King of the Hill (season 3)


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King of the Hill (1997-2010) was an American animated sitcom that aired on Fox. The show centers around the Hill family, whose head is the ever-responsible, hard-working, loyal, disciplined, and honest Hank Hill.

Death of a Propane Salesman [3.1]
Dale talking to an investigator at the scene.
 * Dale Gribble: Find the body yet, Quincy?
 * Investigator: We have some remains that we're analyzing, you needn't concern yourself.
 * Dale Gribble: Oh, I needn't, shouldn't I? And maybe I should not know that all Mega Lo Mart employees have a five thousand dollar insurance policy.
 * Investigator: That's nonsense. This is a very straightforward investigation.
 * Dale Gribble: Heh, that's what they want you to think.
 * Investigator: Sir, we are they.

[Dale twitches surprised and runs away] 
 * Luanne Platter: (reference a picture of Bobby, in his underwear, grabbing a fry off the kitchen table while standing up to speak at Buckley's funeral) This is what a starving Irish child looks like! Fight the occupation!  Fight the Oc-cu-pa-tion!

And They Call It Bobby Love [3.2]

 * Bobby: (With his pants pulled up, in heavy Yiddish accent) "What are you talkin' about?"

Peggy's Headache [3.3]

 * John Redcorn: I think I know why you're here. Your wife came to me with a headache. (Hank glares at him) A real headache. Her head actually hurt!

Peggy is trying to think of new musings for the local newspaper.
 * Peggy Hill: Mix pineapple juice and club soda, and you've got yourself a big bucket of crap.

From Peggy's newspaper article.
 * Peggy Hill: You hear the expression "Lie like a dog" so much it is almost a cliché.

 Peggy has recently discovered Nancy Gribble's affair with John Redcorn.
 * Peggy Hill: (contemptuously) Well, well, well Jo-hon Redcorn!
 * John Redcorn: Oh, Peggy. Nancy's headache's very severe this morning, um... must be the pollen.
 * Peggy Hill: Well, well, well.
 * John Redcorn: ...Well.
 * Peggy Hill: Jo-hon Redcorn!
 * John Redcorn: (awkwardly) Pe-he-ggy Hill.

Nine Pretty Darn Angry Men [3.7]

 * Cotton Hill: Tilly! Did you make this Stuffin'? 'CAUSE IT TASTES LIKE GARBAGE!
 * Hank Hill: (in a worried tone) Uh, Dad?
 * Cotton Hill: Did I ever tell you about the time she tried to poison me with a baked Chicken?
 * Tilly Hill: (sighs) It was Chicken Almondine.
 * Cotton Hill: IT WAS CYANIDE, WOMAN!
 * Hank Hill: (exasperated) Dad, could you please show Mom some respect while Bobby's in the room?
 * Cotton Hill: You heard him, Bobby. Leave the room! (Bobby gets up to leave the room)
 * Hank Hill: (frustrated) Sit down.
 * Bobby Hill: Grandpa, could you at least respect Grandmom until we get to dessert?
 * Cotton Hill: Didi's your Grandmom too, Bobby..... Your pretty Grandmom! 'Course, bad as Tilly was in the Kitchen, she was even worse in the Bedroom! (Everyone is shocked, Tilly is especially mortified) I Said.... The Woman was lousy in the sack.

(Long silence as everyone looks at Hank, who just looks down in fear. Tilly sighs in frustration)
 * Bill Dauterive: (tapping glass with knife then getting up to propose a toast) To the Stuffing! Might taste like Garbage, but it sure fills you up!


 * Cotton Hill: I'm goin' down to the corn dog shack to watch the girlies make lem-o-nade.

Pretty, Pretty Dresses [3.9]

 * "Lenore" (Bill): (in falsetto voice) Why do you keep calling me "Bill?"


 * Hank Hill: Bill, can't you see that this whole Lenore thing is your problem? The iguana, these presents, this old tree, get rid of the stuff!
 * Bill Dauterive: No! No, I couldn't. I couldn't. See, when, when she comes back--
 * Hank Hill: She's never comin' back, it's so obvious. She doesn't want this stupid stocking!

A Fire Fighting We Will Go [3.10]
[Bill arrives in the alley on a fire truck and runs towards Hank, Dale, and Boomhauer.]
 * Bill: I'm a fireman! I'm a... [trips over cooler] ...hudafu.


 * Hank: "Heck, I thought I'd go ahead and sharpen all the axes."
 * Dale: (singing) Hank's a lumberjack and he's okay...

 [The firemen are sitting at the station.]
 * Cheat Elderson: [to Dale] Hey, shades. Plug in my Alamo sign, will you?
 * Hank: Better not, Dale. It doesn't work right, remember?
 * Dale: [as he sings, he sits back and tries to plug in the sign.] (singing) Be-a-bay, be-e-be, be-i-bickey-bi-be-o-bo-bickey-bi-bo--

[Hank snatches the cord away from him.]
 * Hank: I said, "not to."
 * Dale: Be-u-bu...

 [Hank walks in the room with a food dish.]
 * Dale: Whatd'ya got under the foil, Mr. Party Pooper, some party poop?

 [Boomhauer is telling the Chief what happened in his P.O.V., everyone except him is talking Boomhauer-style]
 * Dale: Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, dang ol' detector, man, government take away freedom of smoke, talkin' 'bout yo, man.
 * Hank: Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, dang ol' boy ain't right, man, talkin' 'bout kick your ass, man.
 * Boomhauer: (speaking at normal speed very clearly) For God's sakes, Hank, act like an adult, man. And keep it down, guys, will you? I am trying to get through an article on vintage Camaros, and I've been on the same dang page for twenty minutes.
 * Bill: Dang ol' pretty, pretty pizza, man, I tell you what.


 * Heck Dorland: I got bad news, men. Chet Elderson died. Natural causes. (Bill farts while his butt is hanging out the top of the fire pole) Oh, for cryin' out loud!

 [Bill has just been hit in the face with a hot Frito pie]
 * Bill: My face hurts.
 * Hank: And it'll match your ass when I'm done kicking it!

 [At Chet Elderson's funeral with Hank, Bill, Dale, and Boomhauer carrying Chet Elderson's casket to the gravesite]
 * Dale: Come on, Hank, pick up the pace.
 * Hank: (Struggling to keep his damaged glasses on) I can't see where I'm going. (Turns to Bill) Damn you, Bill.
 * Boomhauer: Shh... Man, dang ol' disrespectful. (Also turns to Bill) Man... lift, Bill, man.
 * Bill: I am. It's Dale, he's faking it.
 * Dale: (Barely holding the casket with his arm) Am not.
 * Hank: Dale, no wonder my end feels so heavy. Get your hands on the casket.
 * Dale: It's bad luck.

[As they were approaching the grave site, Hank's damaged glasses falls off his face and as Hank bends down to retrieve them, Bill bumps into Hank, causing Bill, Hank, Dale, and Boomhauer to drop Chet's casket, and sending Bill, Hank, and Dale into the grave first, with Boomhauer grabbing onto Chet's legs to stop him from falling into the grave, only to pull off Chet's pants and falls on top of Bill, Dale and Hank and leaving with Chet's bare legs sticking out from the casket.]
 * Dale: Told you it was bad luck.

 [In the interview room with the Fire Chief at the main firehouse]
 * Hank: I've kept a journal of all the violations these three nincompoops have committed, and I'll be happy to turn it...
 * Dale: I've read that journal. It's all lies. (Points to Hank) Hank did it. (Then points to Bill) Bill did it too. I begged them not to!
 * Bill: You chicken-necked ass, I'll kill you! (Bill grabs Dale by the neck, resulting in Dale pushing Bill into Boomhauer and Bill pushing Dale into Hank, sparking a minor brawl between Bill, Dale, Boomhauer, and Hank.)
 * Fire Chief: Oh, for heaven's sake. (Spraying the fire extinguisher on Hank, Bill, Dale, and Boomhauer to put an end to their brawl.)

 [After the minor brawl]
 * Fire Chief: Well, I thought you guys had reached your peak when you pantsed Chet Elderson at his funeral, but then you outdid yourself by burning down YOUR OWN FIREHOUSE!!!

Three Coaches and a Bobby [3.12]

 * Hank Hill: Bobby, I didn't think I'd ever need to tell you this, but I would be a bad parent if I didn't. Soccer was invented by European ladies to keep them busy while their husbands did the cooking.
 * Bobby Hill: Why do you hate what you don't understand?
 * Hank Hill: I don't hate you Bobby!
 * Bobby Hill: I was talking about soccer.
 * Hank Hill: Oh yeah, I hate soccer.


 * Coach Sauers: You little pantywads think you're ready to play the Wolves again? The Wolves eat razorblades for breakfast! Run, you bunch of pudgy-butted softies! Run, with your fancy sneakers, with pumps, valves and lights on the back that can set off a seizure! But what do you care? I ran around the world in a pair of Chuck Taylors for the love of pete! Take a salt tablet.

 [Bobby is doing push-ups on the muddy grass.]
 * Bobby: Coach, I think I swallowed too much mud.
 * Coach Sauers: Take a salt tablet.


 * Coach Sauers: I'm gonna ride you guys so hard your gonna wish you were all dead! I'm gonna chew ya up spit ya out take a big dump on top of that and then i'm gonna get tough! LETS ROLLLLLLL EM OUT!


 * Hank Hill: Boys, the Welton Wolves have already left their mark on this bridge. Now, what does a cougar do when a wolf comes into his neck of the woods?
 * Bobby Hill: Beats him in football?
 * Hank Hill: Yeah, that's where I was gonna end up.

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Hank Hill: God bless America on three...One...two...three

Team & Hank Hill: Gooooooood bless America!

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 * Coach Sauers: Hey, butter ball, drag the body back!


 * Hank Hill: Soccer was invented by european housewives as a way to keep busy while their husbands did the cooking


 * Peggy Hill (To a group of soccer moms): If we were in Canada you ladies would be snooty Quebecoise.

De-Kahnstructing Henry [3.13]

 * Kahn: Prepare your brain for razzle-dazzle!

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 * Minh: Do you remember your last promotion? We had pa son pate all night long. Make love to me!
 * Kahn: No! [laughs]
 * While Kahn is laughing, Minh starts disrobing. Kahn stops laughing and gasps in wonder at his wife's nudity
 * Kahn: Woah, boy howdy!

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 * Minh: Kahn, you got a lotta (indistinct Laotian words) to come back here!

The Wedding of Bobby Hill [3.14]

 * Bobby: Dad, I would like you to meet a new friend of mine and Luanne's.
 * Rad Thibodeaux: Hey-hey, there partner, name's Rad Thibodeaux [thi-buh-day-OX-ss, ]. Pleased to meet you! Here you go, businessman to businessman.
 * [Rad hands Hank a business card. He reads it.]
 * Hank: Isn't that pronounced "Thibodeaux" [TI-buh-doh, ]?
 * Rad Thibodeaux: Well y'know, sometimes, by mistake, but no damage done.

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 * [Kahn sees the fake wedding between Luanne and Bobby and believes it is real].
 * Kahn Souphanousinphone: Minh, come quick! It's finally happening! Bobby Hillbilly marrying hillbilly cousin. You owe me five dollars. In your face!

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 * Luanne Platter Kleinschmidt: Uncle Hank! Bobby's trying to get out of marrying me!
 * Hank Hill: Bobby, you cut that out!

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 * Bobby: Mom! Dad! I've gotten Luanne pregnant!

[Both Hank and Peggy freeze in disbelieving shock] <hr width="50%"/> [Peggy is dressing Bobby in his tuxedo for the fake wedding between him and Luanne]
 * Bobby: Mom! I don't want to do this!
 * Peggy: Well, of course you don't!

Sleight of Hank [3.15]

 * Bobby: [Bobby is presenting Jesus' miracles in the form of a magic show] Now, for my next trick, I'm gonna need a large wooden cross and a couple of volunteers...
 * Hank & Peggy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Escape from Party Island [3.17]
Hank reads a bumper sticker
 * Hank: "How's my driving?" I'll tell you. Mom, get this number down. 1-800-EAT-SH... Uh, never mind.

Love Hurts and So Does Art [3.18]

 * Bobby Hill: I've got gout!

Hank's Cowboy Movie [3.19]

 * Hank: "I know it's a long shot, but what if we make a movie about Arlen, and send it to the Cowboys?"
 * Nancy: "Do you really think we can make a movie, Hank?"
 * Hank: I know we can. We used to make movies all the time. Remember Dale? You practically slept with that little camcorder.
 * Dale: Practically? I was going to be the next Zapruder, except nobody shot a president after that - nobody who knew what he was doing.


 * Dale: "I killed eight gophers last year and a purebred Tennessee walking horse that was looking at me funny."

[repeated line]
 * Nancy: Arlen's a darlin'!
 * Hank: Cut!

[after a rampage in Arlen Snake Farm and Boot Outlet]
 * Dale: You have bully-ragged this production and stifled my creativity from Day One. [checks his watch] It is now Day Two. I quit!


 * Hank: Sweet Jethro Pugh.

Dog Dale Afternoon [3.20]

 * Dale Gribble: Boil up some Mountain Dew; it's gonna be a long night.

<hr width="50%"/> ''Dale's alarm catches John Redcorn climbing on Dale's mower to go through Nancy's window. John Redcorn has been shot in the rear by the rigged B.B. rifle''
 * Dale Gribble: I know what YOU'RE HERE FOR!
 * John Redcorn: Dale! This isn't how I want you to find out!
 * Dale Gribble: Quit screwing with my mower.
 * John Redcorn: You've got to be kidding!
 * Dale Gribble: I don't kid about my mower. Now, you get inside and start massaging my wife.
 * John Redcorn: (to Nancy) He's taking some of the fun out of this.

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 * Dale Gribble: Hank, you were right! The Cubans have my mower!

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 * Dale Gribble: What time is it, 3 AM, 4 AM?
 * Nancy Gribble: It's six.
 * Dale Gribble: A.M.?!
 * Nancy Gribble: No.
 * Dale Gribble: Oh. Is dinner ready?

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 * Dale Gribble: They wanted to see me wet my pants from fear... but they're too late!

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 * Hank Hill: You are officially the coolest.

Hank tells Dale to come down from a clock tower before someone gets hurt.
 * Dale Gribble: Too late, I killed Shackleford! (the police gasp) No...wait, correction, Shackleford wants a pizza.

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 * Nancy Gribble: OK. I don't why you'd want to fool Dale like that. I mean, it's not hard. If you're someone he trusts. Hey, whatever turns you on, that's what I always say.

Revenge of the Lutefisk [3.21]

 * Bobby Hill: I'd like a one-way ticket to Mexico por favor. That means 'today.'

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 * Hank Hill: What's that smell?
 * Bobby Hill: [nervously] Nothing.
 * Hank Hill: Wait a minute. I know that smell. [Bobby gasps.] Fire!

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 * Cotton Hill: Look for the Man with the Terrible Smell!

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 * Cotton Hill: Ah leave it to a woman to turn god's house into a love shack.

<hr width="50%"/> ''Bobby decides to tell the truth about the fire at Arlen First Methodist Church. He rushes into the interrogation room where his parents are talking to a handcuffed Cotton, who has been incorrectly accused of setting fire to the church.''
 * Bobby Hill: (out of breath) Grandpa! Dad! Mom!... It was... it was ME! (remorsefully) It's all my fault! I ate the Lutefisk! I got sick in the bathroom! I lit the matches! I burned down the church! I let everyone blame Grandpa!...
 * Cotton Hill: I told you I didn't do it. Your boy is the Man with the Terrible Smell!
 * Hank Hill: (crestfallen sigh)
 * Peggy Hill: I knew it, I knew this was too good to be true.
 * [Peggy removes a cassette from an audio recorder and begins destroying the tape]:
 * Hank Hill: (sternly) Bobby, you are gonna march down that hall and tell the police everything. See if maybe they will spare your grandfather's life.
 * Bobby Hill: (resigned) Okay...
 * [Cotton slams his cuffed hands on the table]:
 * Cotton Hill: Nobody's goin' no place! Siddown Hank, Hank's Wife - (turns to Bobby) You too, Stinky!
 * Hank Hill: Hey, don't call him that!
 * Cotton Hill: (sarcastically) Oh, I'm sorry! Did I hurt your feelings, Stinky?
 * Bobby Hill: Grandpa?
 * Cotton Hill: It don't feel so good, does it? Well, get used to it, 'cuz that's what everyone's gonna call you if you go blabbing to the po-lice...Stinky!
 * Peggy Hill: He's right. Oh Lord, and there are other names, too!
 * Hank Hill: Yeah, how 'bout "arsonist"? That's what they'll be calling him in State of Texas v. Bobby Hill!
 * Peggy Hill: So many names...what are we gonna do?
 * Cotton Hill: You'll do what I say is what are you gonna do. Now get the cops in here. Tell 'em I'm ready to confess.
 * Hank Hill: No, Dad, you can't!
 * Cotton Hill: I'm an old man, everybody already hates me. But Bobby, he's just a child; he's got his whole life ahead of him!
 * Peggy Hill: (moved) ...Cotton, do you know what you're saying?
 * Cotton Hill: If I can take a bullet for my grandson, I'll do it. But not in the face; that's how I make my livings.
 * Hank Hill: How you make your-?
 * Cotton Hill: (interrupting) Send 'em in!

Wings of the Dope [3.23]

 * Dale: (After a trampoline falls on his foot) Aah! This is a sign that we have been playing God with Buckley's trampoline and now God is playing God with us, and He's a whole lot better at it. I refuse to touch this portal to hell!

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 * [Hank is hanging around Buckley's trampoline. Dale peeks out his window and yells:]
 * Dale: Run, Hank! Portal to Hell!
 * [Dale quickly closes his curtains.]

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 * [Luanne is waiting for Buckley by the trampoline, listening to "Angel Flying Too Close to the Ground," and starts to cry. Peggy comes out and puts her hand on Luanne's shoulder.]
 * Luanne: Where is he? Buckley always did this to me. One time we were supposed to go see Color Me Badd and he never showed up. I was looking forward to that concert all week and when I told him, he just said "chicken beak." [pause] He better not be guardianin' some other girl. Maybe I should drop out of beauty school.
 * Peggy: What? Luanne, you have wanted to go to beauty school since you were six. You have wanted to graduate beauty school since you were twelve. If you give up on school, honey, you are giving up on your dreams. "Education is the sleeping pill that makes dreams happen." - Peggy Hill.

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 * [Buckley has returned one final time and Luanne sits with him on the trampoline.]
 * Buckley: I just wanted to say I'm sorry I bailed out of the car.
 * Luanne: I knew you weren't really a jerk.
 * Buckley: Yeah. Well, I gotta go. Jesus is having a party tonight. It's gonna rock.
 * Luanne: There will probably be a lot of people there. But if you see Jesus, tell him I said thanks. [pause] Goodbye Buckley.
 * Buckley: Um, before I go - could I have one last kiss?
 * ''[Luanne nods. Buckley kisses her hard and begins to feel her sides; his wings flutter before she breaks away.]
 * Luanne: No, that part's over.
 * Buckley: Why?
 * Luanne: Chicken thigh.

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 * [last lines]
 * Kahn: Buckley's Angel? Buckley's Angel! [runs by the trampoline] Oh, I'm so alone! I have to commute to Houston every day -- that city one big stinkhole! Did I make the right decision, Buckley's Angel? Oh, Buckley's Angel! Why you not come to me instead of that redneck little hot potato? Buckley's Angel? NOW!!! COME RIGHT NOW!!!