Kung Pow! Enter the Fist

Kung Pow: Enter the Fist is an American comedy film written and directed by Steve Oedekerk, who also stars in it.

Dialogue from film

 * Master Tang: I remember, a long time ago, when a good friend of mine told me that there would be a chosen one.
 * Master Doe [in flashback] There will be a chosen one.
 * Master Tang: Then he told me, of the significance.
 * Master Doe [in flashback] It will be significant.
 * Master Tang: And then he killed the dog.
 * [Doe groans and closes his eyes; he then farts and a dog is heard whimpering and falling to the ground]
 * Chosen One: I now officially know too much. And why are you in bed?
 * Master Tang: Oh, you won't even believe what happened next.
 * Chosen One: [interrupts beginning flashback] no, please.
 * Master Tang: If you insist.


 * [Four peasants are beating the Chosen One until they receive his signal]
 * Peasant 1: Should we keep going?
 * Peasant 2: He said we should keep going until he gives the signal to stop.
 * Peasant 3: Did anyone see the signal?
 * Peasant 2: He was whining for a while.
 * Peasant 1: Do you think whining was the signal?
 * [peasant 3 starts hitting Chosen One again]
 * Peasant 1: Hey, easy.
 * [peasants 2, 3, and 4 begin beating the Chosen One's limp body]
 * Peasant 1: Hey guys, come on! ... Oh, well.
 * [Peasant 1 joins in the beating]
 * Peasant 1: Wait. Didn't he say something about dramatically throwing us off his body?
 * Peasants 2-4: Ohh-hh.
 * [they pile onto the Chosen One's fallen body]
 * Peasant 1: Okay. Go ahead. Throw us off.
 * [Chosen One does nothing and they get off]
 * Peasant 3: He isn't moving.
 * Peasant 2: Uh...
 * Peasant 4: Maybe we should leave.
 * [they all leave]
 * Peasant 1: Don't say anything to Mom.


 * Chosen One: But I don't understand. Who are the evil council?
 * Mushufasa: The answer you seek resides in the stars above.
 * Chosen One: I don't understand.
 * Mushufasa: Of course you don't. I'm speaking in riddles. That's kind of the point, like a clue, so when you figure it out you'll say "Oh, that's what he meant! Stars above!"


 * Ling: But Chosen One, I'd like to help you, but I-I-I-I-I-I, I just can't. I won't. Wee-ooh, wee-ooh.
 * Chosen One He wasn't at the restaurant, do you know where he is?
 * Ling: No, I won't tell. Stay, stay and live, live a life with me. Wee-ooh.
 * Chosen One: Look, Ling, those curlicues in your hair make me so hot, I can't think straight.
 * Ling: You'll never make it. Never make it. Never make it. Never make it, never. Don't you see you can't make it?
 * [Chosen One grabs her shoulders and is clearly shouting, but...]
 * Chosen One: [calmly] I implore you to reconsider.
 * Ling: Hmm. Okay. He spends his time on top of a waterfall swinging a chain around. There. You got what you wanted. Now go. [walks off while sobbing uncontrollably]
 * Woah: [in a flashback] Remember, avoid the meadow


 * [Master Tang walking and singing]
 * Master Tang: Chicken go cluck-cluck, cow go moo. Piggy go oink-oink, how 'bout you? Gonna be an animal just like you.
 * [breaks off and looks around]
 * Henchman: [in bushes] Cuckoo, cuckoo.
 * Betty: Mmm, I'm just a birdie, too.
 * Master Tang: [is confused for a while, but then resumes singing] Lemurs go pff-pff, ostrich go baah. Koalas go... (smacks lips, then spins suddenly to face Betty)


 * Betty: I am a great magician. Your clothes are red!
 * [the Mayor is wearing red robes]
 * Mayor: Wow! Please, do it again! Wait, who's that?
 * [a henchman runs in]
 * Henchman: Betty- he-he's alive, Betty. He's still alive, Betty.
 * Betty: Still alive? How can that be? Oh this is bad, this is very bad. Your clothes are black. The Council will not be pleased.
 * [the Mayor's robes are now black]
 * Mayor: But Betty, do they have to know?
 * Betty: He's supposed to be dead! I am responsible. He alone can disrupt the Evil Council's plan. Him and that infernal Toungey! Red clothes!
 * [The Mayor's robes change back to being red]
 * Mayor: Master Betty, might I inquire- what is the Evil Council's plan?
 * Betty: It is evil. Meheh, it is so evil. It is a bad, bad plan that will hurt many people that are good. I think it's great, because it's so bad.
 * Mayor: I see. I think.


 * [Chosen One kicks Wimp Lo in the face; Wimp Lo does a pose]
 * Wimp Lo: Ha! Face-to-foot style. How do you like it?
 * Chosen One: I'm sure on some planet your style is impressive, but your weak link is: This is Earth.
 * Wimp Lo: Oh, yeah? Then try my-nuts-to-your-fist style!


 * [the intermission begins]
 * Betty: Go get some snacks. Perhaps a carbonated soda.
 * Ling: I hope they have Icees.
 * Chosen One: I have chosen the large tub.
 * Wimp Lo: My nipples look like Milk Duds.
 * Master Tang: I've got some yellow liquid for your popcorn, and it's non-dairy.


 * [two students are walking; both of them have their mouths closed, but voice is dubbed in]
 * Students: [singing] We are both ventriloquists, ventriloquists, ventriloquists/We are both ventriloquists and we practice every day.
 * Student 1: He carries the baskets.
 * Student 2: He carries the paper roll.
 * Students: And we don't have cysts/But one thing is for sure my friends/We are ventriloquists.


 * [the Council appears out of the air]
 * Betty: That's right. The Evil Council are aliens.
 * [speaker comes out of Council ship and plays French music]
 * Chosen One: They're French.
 * Betty: Ha-ha. Stinky pits and all, baby!


 * Chosen One: His powers are greater than mine.
 * Mu Shu Fasa: Yes. Plus, when you got hit with his iron claw, you did scream like a wussy.


 * Master Tang: [dying] Chosen One, do I look all right?
 * Chosen One: Yeah. Sure.
 * Master Tang: On a scale of one to ten?
 * Chosen One: One.


 * [the Chosen One is preparing to fight Master Betty. A man comes up to him]
 * Master Doe: Wait! You mustn't. You are not ready.
 * Chosen One: Who are you?
 * Master Doe: Ling's father. Wee-ooh, wee-ooh.
 * Chosen One: Oh, dear.
 * Master Doe: No one man can defeat Betty.
 * Betty: When you girls are done kissing, I've got some ass kicking for you!
 * Chosen One: I have to avenge my family!


 * Chosen One: I have traveled many years and miles to find you.
 * Master Tang: How many miles? Would you say...ten million?
 * Chosen One: ...No, I don't think ten million.


 * [Chosen One is attacked by Betty and his iron claws]
 * Master Tang: [Narrating] At that moment, the Chosen one learned a valuable lesson about iron claws. They hurt like crap man!
 * Master Tang:[Narrating] Chosen One was clearly not ready. he should've listened to that one-boobed chick.


 * Master Tang fights Betty the second time in the outskirts of the city; but before Master Tang is killed, the scene freezes up with Master Tang narrating his options
 * Master Tang: Okay. So here were my options: A, quickly duck sideways, dodge the claw, then take him out with a spinning back-kick or B, take the claw in the face, then roll on the ground and die. [Hit in the face a few seconds later] Hmm! Shoulda gone with A!