L.A. Story

L.A. Story is a 1991 satirical romantic comedy film about a "wacky weatherman" who, with the help of a talking freeway billboard, tries to win the heart of an English newspaper reporter, who is struggling to make sense of the strange world of early-90s Los Angeles.
 * Directed by Mick Jackson. Written by Steve Martin.

Harris K. Telemacher

 * Let us just say I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time.


 * [Admiring a painting] I like the relationships. I mean, each character has his own story. The puppy is a bit too much, but you have to over look things like that in these kinds of paintings. The way he's holding her... it's almost... filthy. I mean, he's about to kiss her and she's pulling away. The way the leg's sort of smashed up against her... Phew... Look how he's painted the blouse sort of translucent. You can just make out her breasts underneath and it's sort of touching him about here. It's really... pretty torrid, don't you think? Then of course you have the onlookers peeking at them from behind the doorway like they're all shocked. They wish. Yeah, I must admit, when I see a painting like this, I get emotionally... erect. [[the painting is revealed to be of a red rectangle]


 * Why is it that we don't always recognize the moment when love begins but we always know when it ends?


 * Sitting there at that moment I thought of something else Shakespeare said. He said, "Hey... life is pretty stupid; with lots of hubbub to keep you busy, but really not amounting to much." Of course I'm paraphrasing: "Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."


 * I could never be a woman, 'cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day.


 * I've been thinking about myself and I think I can become the kind of person that's worth you staying for. First of all, I'm a man who can cry. Now it's true, it's usually when I've hurt myself, but it's a start.


 * [calling the restaurant] Hello, L'Idiot? Yes, I'd like to make reservations for two for Friday. Saturday? Sunday? Ah good. Eight-thirty. Five-thirty or ten-thirty? Um, five-thirty. Visa... I'm a weatherman... yes, I'm on TV! Renting... I just sold a condo... yes, in this "soft market"... well, I don't see how that's any of your... the low fifties.


 * Forget for this moment the smog and the cars and the restaurant and the skating and remember only this. A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.

Other

 * Maitre D: You think with a financial statement like this you can have the duck?

Dialogue

 * Harris: When I really analyze it, Trudi wasn't for me anyway. The only good times we had were having sex and laying in bed watching TV.
 * Ariel: I hate to tell you this, Harris, but if you can find somebody you can have sex with and lie in bed and watch TV, you've really got something.


 * Tom: I'll have a decaf coffee.
 * Trudi: I'll have a decaf espresso.
 * Morris: I'll have a double decaf cappuccino.
 * Ted: Give me decaffeinated coffee ice cream.
 * Harris: I'll have a half double decaffeinated half-caf, with a twist of lemon.
 * Trudi: I'll have a twist of lemon.
 * Tom: I'll have a twist of lemon.
 * Morris: I'll have a twist of lemon.
 * Cynthia: I'll have a twist of lemon.


 * Trudi: Sheila has been studying the art of conversation.
 * Harris: Oh, you're taking a course in conversation?
 * Sheila: Yes.
 * [long pause]


 * Harris: I'm not kissing anyone hello anymore.
 * Trudi: Well just shake hands with them.
 * Harris: Are you kidding? I just wash my hands and I shake hands with some guy that feels like he's been squashing caterpillars.


 * Roland: Sara just got off a plane from London.
 * Trudi: Oh, you must be exhausted.
 * Sara: Yes, I'm shattered, but it's nothing that some sleep and a good fuck wouldn't cure, as my sister used to say. Ha ha ha.
 * [Everyone stares]
 * Roland: You'll have to forgive Sara.
 * Sara: Oh, it was just... it was just a figure of speech. I've been on a plane for twelve hours next to a crying baby.


 * Harris: [answering the telephone] Hello, this is Harris. I'm in right now, so you can talk to me personally. Please start talking at the sound of the beep.
 * [BEEP]
 * Sara: Hello?
 * Harris: Hello.
 * Sara: Hello?
 * Harris: Hello.
 * Sara: Is this a person?
 * Harris: Yes, it is a person.


 * Harris: Ordinarily, I don't like to be around interesting people because it means I have to be interesting too.
 * Sara: Are you saying I'm interesting?
 * Harris: All I'm saying is that, when I'm around you, I find myself showing off, which is the idiot's version of being interesting.


 * Harris: SanDeE, your... your breasts feel weird.
 * SanDeE: Oh, that's 'cause they're real.


 * SanDeE: [after they get enemas together] So, what do you think?
 * Harris: I think it was a total washout.
 * SanDeE: God, it really clears out your head.
 * Harris: Head? Head? You should go back in there and tell them they're doing it wrong. Well, it was a great lunch and enema, thanks.


 * Sara: Why didn't you tell me you had just broke up with someone?
 * Harris: How do you know I just broke up with someone?
 * Sara: Because when men just break up with someone, they always run around with someone much too young for them.
 * Harris: She's not so young. She'll be 27 in four years.


 * Sara: What did you have in mind?
 * Harris: Well, I was thinking of taking you on a cultural tour of L.A.
 * Sara: That's the first fifteen minutes, then what?
 * Harris: All right, a cynic. First stop is six blocks from here.
 * Sara: Why don't we walk?
 * Harris: Walk? A walk in L.A.?


 * Crook: Hi. My name is Bob. I'll be your robber.
 * Harris: [hands him the money] Hi, how are you?
 * Crook: Thank you very much.


 * Sara: And if I were to go?
 * Harris: All I know is, on the day your plane was to leave, if I had the power, I would turn the winds around, I would roll in the fog, I would bring in storms, I would change the polarity of the earth so compasses couldn't work, so your plane couldn't take off.

Cast

 * Steve Martin - Harris K. Telemacher
 * Victoria Tennant - Sara McDowel
 * Richard E. Grant - Roland Mackey
 * Marilu Henner - Trudi
 * Sarah Jessica Parker - SanDeE
 * Susan Forristal - Ariel
 * Kevin Pollak - Frank Swan
 * Sam McMurray - Morris Frost
 * Patrick Stewart - Mr. Perdue
 * Iman - Cynthia