Las Vegas (TV series)

Las Vegas is an American comedy-drama television series that aired on NBC from September 22, 2003 to February 15, 2008. The show focuses on a team of people working in the fictional Montecito Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada—dealing with issues that arise within the working environment, ranging from valet parking and restaurant management to casino security.

Pilot

 * Danny: [Voiceover] Never sleep with the boss's daughter. Especially if the boss is Ed Deline, former head of CIA Counter Intelligence and the greatest security man Vegas has ever seen.


 * Ed: Danny, welcome to the family.
 * Danny: Excuse me, what?
 * Ed: If I catch you looking at another girl, take a poison pill, because I'll kill ya.


 * Mike: Hey, don't forget: barbecue at my house tomorrow night. I've got some great new gadgets I've been working on.
 * Danny: You're not going to rewire my car and set it on fire again, are you?
 * Mike: That really hurts, Danny. You had a short, okay? That was an accident!


 * Ed: Trudy and I were wondering what your intentions might be.
 * Delinda: My intentions, Daddy?
 * Ed: Well, you know, Danny --
 * Delinda: I thought I'd have as much sex with him and his cute little butt as possible, then when I get bored, dump him.
 * Ed: That's cute. That's really funny.

What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas

 * Sam: If he pinches my ass I'll deck him.
 * Ed: No you won't.

Donny, We Hardly Knew Ye

 * Ed: She dumped you.
 * Danny: Like yesterday's newspaper.


 * Mike: When I start dating a girl, you know what I do?
 * Danny: What do you do?
 * Mike: Whatever she wants. Sunrise hike in the mountains? Sounds good! Antique shopping? Let's go! I establish rapport.
 * Danny: It sounds like guy code for ass kiss to me.


 * Ed: Cominski. Cominski, Marie. Shoplifting, conviction. Check forgery, conviction. Mail fraud. Now you add to this misappropriation.
 * Sam: Stealing from your husband.
 * Ed: Who you adore. Or I can make your life miserable.
 * Sam: He will.
 * Ed: Very miserable.

Jokers and Fools

 * Danny: Rowan Davies.
 * Rowan: How do you know my name?
 * Danny: Shut up. At this point, it's safe to assume I know your mother's maiden name, her birth date and her real weight.
 * Rowan: What do you want?
 * Danny: I wanna break one of your fingers, that's what I want. I wanna crack 'em like two dollar glow sticks.
 * Rowan: Look, I know I used some bad judgment but...
 * Danny: Yeah.
 * Rowan: ...break breakin' me fingers, that ain't right. And it's illegal.
 * Danny: Well, so is cheating. Which we take real serious around here. Finger-breaking serious.

Groundhog Summer

 * Danny: (voice-over) Groundhog summer. For everyone else, summer's over after Labor Day, but in Vegas, we get an extra six weeks. And on that last weekend, before we close the pools for the season, Vegas throws the biggest pool party of the year. This year, Groundhog summer happens to fall during the sci-fi convention. These people really freak me out.


 * Danny: (voice-over) Another Groundhog Summer is in the books. And tomorrow, another 300,000 people come to town to celebrate somethin' else. For us locals, it's a reminder that no matter how bad it gets, in Vegas, we take care of our own. No matter how crazy it gets, the party never stops.

Semper Spy

 * Sam : Do you really think you should have your feet up on Big Ed's desk?
 * Danny: Big Ed's probably at a luau right now patting down Don Ho, but don't you worry, ladies. Big Danny's here.
 * Nessa: Oh, my God. The boss isn't gone five minutes, he's already gone mad!


 * Sam: Either this guy is the nicest multi-millionaire I've ever met, or he's completely screwing with me.

Pros and Cons

 * Danny: The tint is off. The thickness is way off. Look at this thing!
 * Ed: I'm your father. I work in a casino. You took chips that look like they were made by a zoo animal. How do you suppose that makes me look? A: good. B: not so good.
 * Delinda: Well I'm sorry. You never invited me to take your daughter to work day.
 * Ed: You were busy gallivanting all over Europe!
 * Delinda: Well you wanted me to get an education.
 * Ed: Exactly. So that you could be taken by some two bit hustler in the ladies lounge of my casino. Money well spent, I'd say.


 * Mary: Did you get them back?
 * Sam: The front desk is going to let them freak out for a few minutes and then blame it on the computer.
 * Mary: You're bad!
 * Sam: I know!

Year of the Tiger

 * Danny: Since when do you speak Chinese?
 * Sam: Mandarin.
 * Danny: Mandarin.
 * Sam: Since I learned eighty percent of high rollers were Chinese.
 * Danny: Oh. So how did you land Zhao? I thought he only played in Monte Carlo.
 * Sam: I found out his daughters go to school in New York and he doesn't get to see them very often, so I organized...
 * Danny: So you organized a little reunion. Very nice.
 * Sam: Xie-xie.

Sons and Lovers

 * Jillian: I want to start working again.
 * Ed: But you don't need a job, I mean what the heck would you do anyway?
 * Jillian: Something...that would allow me to interact with other human beings. I mean, ever since Delinda left the house I...do you have any idea what I do all day? I go to the club, if I'm not at the club, I go to the spa.
 * Ed: (laughs) I know a lot of people who'll want that job.

Have You Ever Seen the Rain?

 * Ed (to Danny): You need some sleep.
 * Danny: I told you that I don't sleep anymore.
 * Ed: Why?
 * Danny: Because there's nobody left to watch my back. They're all dead. (shudders) Every single one of them.


 * Ed: It is completely abnormal for grown men to paint smiles and frowns on their faces with bright colors.
 * Delinda: You know, Daddy, one would've thought that the CIA might have diagnosed your coulrophobia and done something about it.
 * Sam: (laughs) Okay. So...you have a little problem with clowns, big guy?
 * (Delinda and Sam laugh)
 * Ed: Shut up.
 * (Delinda and Sam stop laughing)

Blood Is Thicker

 * Danny: [to Mary after she flirted with a guy to get him to help them] Brother? Can't you even pretend to be my wife?

Games People Play

 * Sam: What is wrong with these rich college kids? What, is there some kind of jackass gene that kicks in?
 * Danny: Yeah, there is.


 * Nessa: Can I ask you a question?
 * Delinda: [sighs] Yes, I've done it with a girl, but only once. Okay, twice.
 * Nessa: No! That's too much information!

Tainted Love
[Ed is beeing reprimanded while serving on a jury]
 * Judge: Mr. Deline, if you don't put away that cell phone, you will be in contempt of court and will spend Valentine's Day in jail with a cellmate named "Bubba".


 * Samantha: Also, Burt thinks that your breasts are lucky.
 * Mary: Why is everyone so fascinated by my breasts?
 * Samantha: You're kidding, right?


 * Ed: Would either of you want me on the jury?
 * Mike, Danny: Nah!

Hide and Sneak

 * Delinda: Sam. Have you seen Seth? I'm really worried about him.
 * Sam: Delinda, he's an adult.
 * Delinda: He shows up this sweet, unspoiled country boy and now I've turned him into some sort of --
 * Sam: American?
 * Delinda: Oh, God.
 * Sam: Yeah. Listen, there's this thing. I'm not sure if you've heard of it or not. It's called personal responsibility.
 * Delinda: Yeah, but he's overdoing it. And it's all my fault.
 * Sam: Good. Everyone overdoes it. That's why we're here.
 * Delinda: Yeah, but he's picking up slutty girls.
 * Sam: That's excellent, actually. He wears the Boy George hats, but he's not gay.
 * Delinda: And he's drinking like a fish.
 * Sam: Helps kill the slutty girl germs.

Centennial

 * Mary: So you gave up on Bon Jovi, huh?
 * Delinda: He's more interested in John Elway.
 * Mary: You do realize he's a happily married man.
 * Delinda: I know. I was just hoping he'd write a song about me. You know, like Leila, and Angie, and Michelle. Delinda.
 * Mary: Do you really have a genius I.Q.?
 * Delinda: [nods] Mhmm.
 * Mary: That is truly frightening.
 * Delinda: Well, it's not like I work with nuclear weapons or anything. Although I do like to blow things up.

Viva Las Vegas

 * Delinda: Do you know what it's like to have Big Ed Deline breathing down your neck every second of the day?
 * Danny: Well, yeah.
 * Delinda: That's right. I forgot. He did catch us in bed. It was fun. We should do it again sometime.




 * Monica: You know, Danny, I haven't seen Samantha Marquez here.
 * Danny: That's because she's not here.
 * Monica: She seems to have disappeared with all her clients, which I don't have to tell you means millions of dollars to the Montecito's bottom line. I need those clients here on opening night.
 * Danny: Nobody has seen or heard from Sam since she left.
 * Monica: Well, given your impressive background, I don't think you're going to have too much trouble tracking her down.
 * Danny: Well you don't know Sam. If she doesn't want to be found, she won't be.
 * Monica: What is she, all of four foot nothing? Find her!
 * Danny: Even if I did find her, what if she doesn't want to come back?
 * Monica: Then I'll poach her clients.




 * Sam: If that bitch thinks that she is going to get away with this, she has another think coming!
 * Danny: It looks like she already has.

Fake The Money And Run

 * Monica: So, Mike --
 * Mike: Yes?
 * Monica: What sort of impression do I make?
 * Mike: Come again?
 * Monica: If we were at a bar and you hadn't seen me before.
 * Mike: Oh! Can I speak candidly?
 * Monica: I insist you speak candidly.
 * Mike: I think you are a hot piece of ass.
 * Monica: Good answer.


 * Monica: Come on, show some cleavage. It's a casino, not a convent.

Double Down, Triple Threat

 * Sam: Tequila's like amnesia in a bottle for me.

Whatever Happened To Seymour Magoon?

 * Monica: Who is she?
 * Danny: Who is who?
 * Monica: Come on. You wore the same suit yesterday. You have that pathetic, puppy dog grin on your face. My guess, some woman's got you by the 'nads. My advice: cut her loose. Women cannot be trusted.
 * Danny: Okay.
 * Monica: Hello? I know what I'm talking about.


 * Delinda: I hate to say this, Sam, but you smell like a dog.
 * Sam: Yeah! It's Beaumont, of Silver Springs. He's this big, goofy Great Dane. My whale's showing him at the competition.
 * Delinda: How adorable!
 * Sam: Yeah, he is. He reminds me of my first love, John Butler. I can't get over the resemblance.
 * Delinda: Not the dog. The whale, right?
 * Sam: Yeah, I have a date with him tonight. I feel like a girl. Let's sit down and talk about it!

Big Ed De-cline

 * Mike: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Check it out! Punch in camera eight on that cell. You got it? Looks like 555-0178. Find out who's number that is.
 * Delinda: What's going on? She diss you? You've got to learn to take no for an answer.
 * Mitch: That's a pay phone.
 * Mike: Okay. I've been here before, remember? All we've got to do is tap into the pay phone's records. Find out what number called it at 3:48 p.m. today.
 * Mitch: That's illegal, Mike. You can't access a public phone's records. Okay. [points at screen] She stole Ed's Aston Martin.
 * Delinda: Daddy's car?!
 * Mike: Yes.
 * Delinda: You're dead.
 * Mike: I know.
 * Delinda: Good luck!

The Real McCoy

 * Bob: Hey, sis!
 * Sam: Hey sis. Who are you, Greg Brady? Who says things like that?




 * Sam: Dear, God, please make them stop.
 * Mike: Yeah, your brother and your boss. Not the most holy of unions.
 * Sam: Nuh-uh. What am I gonna do?
 * Mike: Ignore it.
 * Sam: I'm trying, but I can't. I mean, this is interfering with my job. The time I've spent showering, alone.
 * Mike: Showering?
 * Sam: Should I talk to him? I should talk to him! Thanks, Mike!




 * Delinda: Two words: Polyester.
 * Ed: Two words: Calm down.
 * Delinda: Don't tell me to calm down! You're not even listening to me!
 * Ed: No, I'm not. I'm trying to study for my driver's test.
 * Delinda: No one studies for their driver's test!
 * Ed: Well not everyone has a genius IQ, sweetheart.
 * Delinda: It does come in handy sometimes. Hey, quit changing the subject! This is a slippery slope, Daddy. I mean, first the wait-staff at Mystique wears polyester uniforms, then who knows what she'll suggest? Stripes with plaids? Denim on denim's? Skorts?!
 * Ed: Skorts? What's a skort?
 * Delinda: Where does it end, Daddy? Where??

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 * Bob: She touches me, Sam, to the soul and beyond.
 * Sam: I'm going to slap you.
 * Bob: We're soulmates, and I'm thinking she's going to be part of our family one day.
 * Sam: I'm going to go throw up.

Bold, Beautiful And Blue

 * Delinda Deline: Did you know I was a magician's assistance once?
 * Sam Marquez: Why does that not surprise me?
 * Delinda Deline: The Amazing Roger. He was super cute. I actually learned a few tricks myself.
 * Mike Cannon: Really? Like what?
 * Delinda Deline: Once we were driving home from a show, and I put my hand on his thigh and he turned into a motel.

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 * Monica Mancuso: [Looking at Mary and Sam's revealing tops] I'm sorry, did we open a Hooters?
 * Sam Marquez: [Motioning to Monica's chest] If we did, you're in trouble.

Mothwoman

 * Delinda: So... you're my new boss.
 * Danny: Yep.
 * Delinda: Mmm...[Delinda opens her blouse and showing her bra] So, uh, if I do this,you could fire me?
 * Danny: Yes!
 * Delinda: [Delinda opens her blouse again] So I won't do that again.
 * Danny: Would you stop that, please.
 * Delinda: Yes, sir, Mr. President.
 * Danny McCoy: .[Delinda walks away and opens her blouse again] Stop that.

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 * Green Phantom: Allow me to introduce myself. I am the Green Phantom!
 * Delinda: Actually, you're costume is wrong.
 * Green: What?
 * Delinda: Your mask should be less Batman and more Zorro. Your cape's too long and your boots are all wrong, and hike up your pants for God's sake! You're supposed to be a super hero!

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 * Delinda: I guess it's just me and you, girl.
 * Sam: Oy.

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 * Sam: Oh, great. Every casino host in town is here.
 * Delinda : Aw, that's so sweet. They all came to pay their respects. What a nice little club you belong to.
 * Sam: They're not here to pay their respects. They're all after J.W.'s black book!
 * Delinda: That's not very nice.
 * Sam: Casino hosts aren't very nice people.
 * Delinda: But Sam, you're a casino host.
 * Sam: Exactly.

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 * Sam: I smell whales.
 * Delinda: I smell embalming fluid.

For Sail By Owner

 * Delinda: Did you hear about Monica?
 * Sam: No, what?
 * Delinda: Flew off the roof last night, landed over at the Wynn. Crashed right into the Manolo Blahnik one day sample sale.
 * Sam: You're kidding! That was yesterday?
 * Delinda: Check them out. [Shows Sam her black sandal pumps] Aren't they delicious?
 * Sam: They're fabulous!

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 * Sam: I hate funerals. Pretending to mourn for someone you despised. Doesn't that bother you guys?
 * Delinda: Not me. I like pretending.
 * Mary: Now that we know Monica left it all to charity, I feel like maybe she was just misunderstood.
 * Sam: Really? I feel like maybe she was just a bitch.

Bait And Switch

 * Danny: Have a seat.
 * Delinda: Shouldn't I be handcuffed?
 * Danny: No. I'm just going to ask you a few questions.
 * Delinda: Yes, you are the best sex ever. Have you ever done it in here?
 * Danny: No. No, I haven't.
 * Delinda: I bet you have, and you probably invited a few people to watch. I'd try that. I bet it would be fun.
 * Danny: You know, you're the second person I've run into today that thought that.
 * Delinda: So, you want to?
 * Danny: No! I'm trying to conduct an interview here, Delinda, so just --
 * Delinda: Okay! I'm sorry!
 * Danny: Be professional. So, did you notice anything unusual at the video shoot?
 * Delinda: I'm not wearing any panties.

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 * Delinda: Just so you know, before when I asked about you being sweet on me, I wasn't suggesting anything.
 * Danny: Yes you were!
 * Delinda: You wish I was!
 * Danny: No, you were. The only thing that I wish is that we didn't have to beat around the bush. We're consenting adults, right?
 * Delinda: Absolutely!
 * Danny: Absolutely. I mean, if we want to have sex with each other we should just say so.
 * Delinda: Absolutely.

The Bitch is Back

 * Mike: That reverse psychology stuff, that's cheating, Sam.
 * Sam: Uh-huh. If you ain't cheatin', you ain't tryin', Mike.
 * Mike: Damn.

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 * Delinda: [trips] Ouch!
 * Ed: Honey, are you okay?
 * Delinda: Ow! My shoe!
 * Mary: Aren't those the shoes you got at the sale where Monica...
 * Delinda: Yes. I'm still breaking them in, I guess.
 * Ed: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait. You bought those shoes where she died?
 * Delinda: They were on sale.

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 * Mary: Is that the infamous Paul Logan I see at BlackJack 22?
 * Sam: Yep.
 * Mary: He seems so --
 * Sam: Stupid?
 * Mary: I was going to say sophisticated.
 * Sam: That's not sophisticated, it's British. Don't get confused.

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 * Sam: You've got to hand it to Monica.
 * Mary: What?
 * Sam: Even death can't keep that bitch from ruining my life.

And Here's Mike With The Weather

 * Sam: Who's the hottest server you have working right now?
 * Delinda: I would have to say Steve. He has a nice, tight little ass.
 * Sam: Not a guy. A female.
 * Delinda: Are you thinking about switching teams again?
 * Sam: I want someone to listen in and these two and report back to me.
 * Delinda: Why, what's going on?
 * Sam: Anything to do with the Montecito's gaming license or potential lack thereof effects my bottom line.
 * Delinda: And you don't think they'll mind if some hot girl is just hovering around them?
 * Sam: Listen to what you just said.

Coyote Ugly

 * Delinda: Was it fun being mean?
 * Sam: Of course it is. Why do you think I do it all the time?

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 * Sam: Hey, you know what, Mary? My client over there, he's lost 250 grand.
 * Delinda: He's really --
 * Sam: Sad. Yeah.
 * Mary: Aw.
 * Sam: Yeah, he's sad. Listen, maybe you could just go over there and kind of be yourself.
 * Delinda: Be super sweet!
 * Sam: Yeah, be nice to him.
 * Mary: Poor guy.
 * Sam: Thanks, sweetie.
 * Delinda: Thanks, Mar. She does come in handy.
 * Sam: She does come in handy sometimes.

Like A Virgin

 * Mary: That's sweet.
 * Sam: Yeah, sweet. He's up on us by over a million dollars. Why are you still such a hopeless romantic? You're weird.
 * Mary: You're weird! And another thing, Lipworth is spending a lot more than a mil on this wedding. So while your commission might be affected by the fact that he stopped playing, the Montecito will still come out way ahead, which is all I care about!
 * Sam: Pretty sassy there sassafrass.
 * Mary: Is it too much?
 * Sam: I like it.
 * Mary: I'm still working on it.

Cash Springs Eternal

 * Mary: [runs up, frantic] Hey, hey. Have you guys seen Danny?
 * Sam: No. It's not my turn to watch him.
 * Delinda: [watches as Mary runs away in search of Danny] She gets weirder every day.

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 * Sam: Dr. Paul's love movement is a scary cult.
 * Delinda: He makes more money than Kabbalah and Scientology combined.
 * Sam: Cult! He's got one of my whales convinced that if I throw a flower in front of each of the doors on his floor that love will come to him.
 * Delinda: [smells flower] They are beautiful.
 * Sam: You're so easy.
 * Delinda: You're so bitter.

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 * Danny: Sam, you heard of Sexiest Bachelors of Vegas calendar?
 * Sam: Yeah, of course.Everyone has. Roberto, my colorist,he has it up on the wall in his salon, and all the boys make bets on who they can get to bite the pillow first.
 * Mike: You're kidding?
 * Sam: No, he does pretty well for himself,actually.Last year, he nailed Mr. July, Mr. December....
 * Danny: So this is a- a gay calendar?
 * Sam: Yeah, it's the gayest.Why?
 * Mike: No reason.
 * Sam: You guys posed for the calendar?
 * Mike: Huh? No. You kidding?
 * Sam: She got you with the puppies?
 * Danny: They were so cute.
 * Mike: Danny...Danny...
 * Sam: What is it with boys and dogs...When does that come out?
 * Mike: We don't know what you're talking about.
 * Sam: Oh. You know what? I have to go.I don't have time for this.I have to go, uh, tell everybody. Heeehaaa!! [Sam laughs and runs away.]
 * Danny and Mike: Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam!
 * Mike: This is very, very, very bad.
 * Danny: This is worse than bad.

All Quiet On The Montecito Front

 * Sam: [sees Delinda smiling as she walks by] You had sex, didn't you?
 * Delinda: Excuse me?
 * Sam: Who did you have sex with, hooker?
 * Delinda: Okay, I had sex, but with no one you know.
 * Sam: Really? I know quite a few people in this town. Try me.
 * Delinda: Well, he doesn't even live here. He travels a lot. He's a professional bowler.
 * Sam: [disbelieving] You had sex with a bowler?
 * Delinda: [nods but realizes she's had] Never. I had sex with Danny.
 * Sam: Danny?
 * Delinda: Yeah.
 * Sam: I don't know if that's cool or not. What about Mary?
 * Delinda: Look, it's nothing. Anyway, Mary and Danny are over. Ask Danny.

Fidelity, Security, Delivery

 * Ed: When was the last time you had a vacation?
 * Sam: I don't know. Clinton was in office.

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 * Sam: Delinda, listen to me: no one listens to advice. They think they do, but they don't. So it doesn't matter what I say. You're going to do what you want in the end and that's okay.
 * Delinda: Fine. I'll go ask Mary then.
 * Sam: Perfect.
 * Delinda: What?
 * Sam: What do you mean, what? You know! When you decided to start sleeping with Danny again, did you tell Mary?
 * Delinda: Of course not!
 * Sam: Why?
 * Delinda: Because they've been over for more than a year!
 * Sam: And?!
 * Delinda: Because it might hurt her feelings!
 * Sam: And did you tell Derek?
 * Delinda: Of course, I tell him everything!
 * Sam: Delinda, listen to me, before you marry this guy, or don't marry him, and especially before you walk around asking everybody a bunch of girly questions, you need to make sure that your ducks are in a row.
 * Delinda: So you think I should tell Mary about Danny?
 * Sam: Everything always comes out eventually and she needs to hear it from you before she hears it from somebody else.
 * Delinda: You don't think she still loves Danny, do you?
 * Sam: What?! The sun always rises in the east, you always get hungry a half hour after you eat Chinese food, and Mary Connell will always love Danny McCoy.

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 * Delinda: I'm going to tell Mary about you and me.
 * Danny: What? Why?
 * Delinda: I'm getting my ducks in a row.
 * Danny: I think you should tell your ducks to keep their bills shut. Have you been talking to Sam? What is this?
 * Delinda: How did you know?

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 * Mike: Delinda, do you see this guy I've been watching at the bar. Mr. McKeen. He and his wife are perfectly compatible.
 * Delinda: And look how happy they are.
 * Mike: That's not his wife!

Father Of The Bride

 * Derek: Danny, you got a minute?
 * Danny: Yeah, what's up?
 * Derek: Well, I just found out some of my colleagues aren't going to be able to make the wedding tomorrow.
 * Danny: I'm sorry to hear that.
 * Derek: Yeah, well one of them was supposed to be my best man, and I would like you to step in.
 * Danny: Excuse me?
 * Derek: Be my best man!
 * Danny: I don't know.
 * Derek: You are the one who convinced me to marry Delinda, and you guys are such great friends. Come on!
 * Danny: Getting married was not my idea, Derek.
 * Derek: You are so modest. I guess that's why Delinda likes you. She's like 'Danny, Danny, Danny.' It's all she ever talks about.

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 * Sam: I can't believe we don't have dates. I mean, look at us. We're hot. I know, I know, I'm hotter than you because I'm the whole package, but still. You should be able to dig up and old ho with that whole pretty boy thing you've got going on.
 * Danny: [sarcastically] Thank you.
 * Sam: Good luck with that.
 * Danny: Thanks for the vote of confidence!

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 * Delinda: [hears Danny knock] Come in.
 * Danny: What's up? [sees Delinda in her wedding dress] Wow.
 * Delinda: Do you like?
 * Danny: Wow.
 * Delinda: Stop saying wow. Say something else.
 * Danny: You look beautiful.
 * Delinda: Really?
 * Danny: Yeah.

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 * Ed: [speaking of Delinda and Danny] Is something going on between you two?
 * Delinda: No! No. No, Danny's just -- he's just been feeling a little left out. You know, you've been spending a lot of time with Derek.
 * Ed: Well, I mean, that's because he's about to become my son in law.
 * Delinda: No, I know. Just spend a little time with Danny, too. You're like a father to him.

Father Of The Bride Redux

 * Sam: [to Mike about Ed] What do you mean a heart attack? Oh, that's great. He probably found out Delinda and Danny were sleeping together again.
 * Mary: Is that true?
 * Mike: No, no!
 * Sam: No, Mary, it's not true.
 * Mary: Am I the only one who didn't know about Danny and Delinda?
 * Sam: Well, you and Ed.
 * Mike: Please don't have a heart attack, Mary.

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 * Jillian: What's going on?
 * Delinda: I've been trying to tell everyone.
 * Jillian: Are you in love with Danny? [watches as her daughter nods] Oh, honey.

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 * Delinda: Hey. [kisses him] Thanks.
 * Danny: For what?
 * Delinda: [smiles] For feeling the same way about me that I feel about you. [stops smiling] You do feel the same way about me, don't you?
 * Danny: [laughs] Yes. [walks away to find Ed]
 * Jillian: Don't screw this up, Delinda.
 * Delinda: I won't.

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 * Delinda: You know, don't you?
 * Mary: Last one to know everything.
 * Delinda: I wanted to tell you, but then Derek showed up and things just got out of hand.
 * Mary: Got out of hand?! Is that how you explain what's been going on?
 * Delinda: Look, I'm sorry --
 * Mary: Delinda, I don't want to talk about this.

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 * Danny: You okay?
 * Delinda: Yeah. It's just been a wild last few days.
 * Danny: Yeah, it has.
 * Delinda: Mary's pissed at me.
 * Danny: Me too.
 * Delinda: Now what?
 * Danny: Let's see what happens.
 * Delinda: What if I screw it up again?
 * Danny: I won't let that happen.

Died In Plain Sight

 * Danny: Everybody knows! You saw the way they were looking at us in there.
 * Delinda: Who cares who knows?
 * Danny: While your dad's away, I'm in charge. I'm supposed to be setting an example here.
 * Delinda: The whole thing's a joke, Danny. People should just behave or we wouldn't need stupid seminars. [grabs his butt]
 * Danny: Are you into the whole group sex thing, now?
 * Delinda: No, not for years. It's just that guy Myles was such a dweeb, I just wanted to see him squirm a little.
 * Danny: What do you think we should do about this whole employee fraternization thing?
 * Delinda: Here's what we should do. [kisses him] You're my boyfriend and I don't care who knows it.
 * Danny: Want to meet upstairs in fifteen minutes?
 * Delinda: Make it ten.
 * Danny: Okay.

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 * Danny: What's this? You and Shannon? You learned nothing from that seminar?
 * Mike: The pot calling kettle. Who's talking?
 * Danny: Mine is a preexisting condition!

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 * Mary: Why didn't you have the decency to tell me?
 * Delinda Deline: Now's not exactly the best time for us to chat.
 * Mary: [to the bartender] Take a walk.
 * Delinda: I thought you weren't talking to me.
 * Mary: Oh, I'm not talking to you. I'm yelling at you.
 * Delinda: You know what? I'm tired of walking on eggshells around you. Danny wanted to marry you. You gave him his ring back. It's over! You don't have dibs on him anymore, so get over it!
 * Mary: Poor Derek. He never even saw it coming.
 * Delinda: Well maybe poor Derek and poor Mary should get together and trade sob stories.
 * Mary: You'd like that, wouldn't you? I swear, you are just pathological.
 * Delinda: Now you're talking out of your ass.

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 * Sam: You think I'm mean?
 * Vic: It doesn't matter. I can totally handle it. In fact, I kind of dig it.
 * Sam: Okay, I'm going to try and say this in the nicest way. I think you should go back to Hawaii, because if you don't, I will have Ed Deline kill you.

The Story Of Owe

 * Danny: [kissing Delinda] Do you realize how great this is?
 * Delinda: What? The sex?
 * Danny: The whole thing: sex, we like to hang out together, we make each other laugh.
 * Delinda: You going to waste time talking about feelings or you want to get busy?

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 * Delinda: Before we start, since this is our first real date, let's pretend like we just met. That we're just getting to know each other.
 * Danny: That's kind of lame.
 * Delinda: No it's not! Just tell me something about you I don't already know. Something embarrassing.
 * Danny: I stole a pack of gum when I was eight.
 * Delinda: That's not embarrassing.
 * Danny: Okay, well top it!
 * Delinda: Okay. I once fell asleep in my own vomit.
 * Danny: Outstanding! [they high-five]

Delinda's Box: Part 1

 * Mr. Chips: I have no intention of killing you.
 * Ed: That's funny, because I have every intention of killing you.
 * Mr. Chips: I do, however, have no problem at all killing your daughter.

Delinda's Box: Part 2

 * Ed: Do you know how many laws you just broke?
 * Danny: I don't care. All I care about is getting Delinda back.
 * Ed: I'm just saying, I like the attitude. You just bought us some time. It'll force them to plan B.
 * Danny: What about our plan?
 * Ed: Our plan? Get my daughter back and kill them all.

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 * Delinda Deline: You're never going to get away.
 * Mr. Chips: If that's the case, why not kill you right now?
 * Delinda: Because you need me. I'm the only chip you've got left, Chips.
 * Chips: I've got 50 million chips, blondie. You're just chump change to me.
 * Delinda: You're going to die, you know. They shut down your airport. It's only a matter of time.
 * Chips: By the time the police figure any of this out I'll be on a beach earning twenty percent. [Delinda laughs] I'm glad you think this is all funny.
 * Delinda: What's funny is you actually think the police will be involved. There will be no police, no FBI. There will only be men whose sole responsibility will be to hunt you down and kill you. All of you. And they will. They always do.

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 * Chips: [on the phone] What did you just say to me?
 * Ed: I said no. Listen to me, you scumbag. The deal was the money for my daughter. Now if you had just given her back all of this crap would be over. Now it's my show and I'm not letting you leave. [hangs up]
 * Delinda: Sucks to be you.

Meatball Montecito

 * Delinda: Hey, I need a few annoying habits of Danny's. I have a list going.
 * Sam: I can't help you.
 * Delinda: You don't think there's anything annoying about Danny?
 * Sam: I think there are about a million things, but I don't have the four hours necessary to get into it.
 * [...]
 * Sam: Okay, how about the fact that he's a little too chummy-chummy with your father. That's creepy.
 * Delinda: You're right.
 * Sam: And have you ever noticed that every time that boy walks past a mirror he's got to look in it? [turns to see Delinda fixing her hair in a reflective sign] You guys will be great.
 * Delinda: Wait, what did you say after mirror?

White Christmas

 * Sam: Men are pigs. Those two are oinkers.

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 * Delinda: I just want our first Christmas together to be special, do you know what I mean?
 * Sam: He is just pissing away his money.
 * Delinda: Isn't that what we want?
 * Sam: Of course it's what we want, but we want people to piss away their money correctly.
 * Delinda: Oh. I didn't know there was a correct way to piss away money.
 * Sam: Well there is! Now what is it you're going on about?
 * Delinda: It's Danny and mine's first Christmas. I'm planning a special, candlelit romantic Christmas Eve dinner. Then a little cuddling by the fire --
 * Sam: Okay, hold it. I don't want to hear about you and Danny playing hide the salami in front of the fireplace or under the Christmas tree.
 * Delinda: Why does everyone think that's all we do?
 * Sam: Because you two couldn't stop banging each other if your lives depended on it. [Delinda smiles] In fact, I'm surprised you two aren't permanently attached at the crotch.

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 * Delinda: I have no idea what to get Sam for Christmas.
 * Mary: How about anti-evil pills? Oh, that's right, the ones she got last year didn't do the trick.

Wines And Misdemeanors

 * Delinda: I think I know what would ease all this tension.
 * Danny: What? Oh! Oh.
 * Delinda: I'll see you at home.
 * Danny: Okay, I'll finish my rounds and I'll meet you there.


 * Danny: Baby, I'm home. Sorry I'm late, I had to 86 a couple of card cheats. But I'm here now.
 * Delinda: I made a reservation, you gotta come.
 * Danny: Wait. Where's the Frisky Ferret? I thought we were...
 * Delinda: Oh, honey, I already did. What? You were late! Let's go. I'm starving.


 * Sam: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Where's Delinda? My whale needs the booth bottle service at Mystique.
 * Danny: I don't know where she is.
 * Sam: I've been calling her, she hasn't answered. You know, she seems like she's really hard to get ahold of ever since she got that Frisky Ferret.
 * Danny: She told you about that?
 * Sam: Of course. The Frisky Ferret used to be my favorite till I traded up.
 * Danny: Traded up?
 * Sam: To the Angry Anaconda. Mmm...
 * Danny: You know what? I'm not even worried about it. 'Cause it's not like a little sex toy's ever gonna replace the real thing.
 * Sam: Oh. Okay, good. All right. Well, you keep telling yourself that. (CHUCKLlNG) It's just It's so hard to find a decent guy. And then you have to pretend like you want to wait so he doesn't think you're a slut.


 * Delinda: I never waited, and no one ever thought I was... Besides, you don't have to wait till you're in a relationship. Have you ever heard of the Frisky Ferret?
 * Mary: Oh, I'm guessing a battery-powered device.
 * Delinda: More like a battery-powered endless source of pleasure.
 * Mary: That good, huh?
 * Delinda: Better.
 * Mary: Ooh!
 * Delinda: I'll get you the catalog.


 * Delinda: Hey.
 * Danny: What's up? We're headed out to North Vegas.
 * Denlida: Mmm.
 * Danny: Sorry I didn't make it home last night.
 * Delinda: That's okay. I kept busy. (BLENDER WHlRRlNG)


 * Delinda: I tried to stay up until you got home last night, but I was completely spent.
 * Danny: Spent?
 * Delinda: Yeah. But I slept really well.
 * Danny: So I thought we could figure out a way to use up all this energy.
 * Delinda: Oh, yeah? Mmm-hmm I'll be right back.
 * Danny: Okay.
 * (ELECTRONlC BUZZlNG)
 * Danny: All right. Delinda! We need to talk about this. You can't just get up in the middle of...
 * Delinda: I had spinach in my teeth. What? Danny, what's going on? You didn't just suddenly develop a phobia to oral hygiene, did you?
 * Danny: I just I thought it was the Frisky Ferret. I thought that you were in there. I thought that you were in there, you know...
 * Delinda: Why would I do that when I have the real thing right here?
 * Danny: Because you would rather have the tractor in your field than the mule in your Mike's an idiot. Look, I think that we have an amazing sex life and I don't need sex toys or erotic accessories to make me happy. I just need you.
 * Delinda: I feel the exact same way, Danny.
 * Danny: Good.
 * Delinda: So if this is about the Frisky Ferret, let's just get rid of it. We good?
 * Danny: Yeah. Good.
 * Delinda: 'Cause I'd rather be here with you like this, than lying alone, half-undressed, in the middle of the day, fantasizing about you and me doing it on a picnic bench in the middle of the woods.
 * Danny: What do you mean?
 * Delinda: You know. Bra, blouse, nothing else. Except my boots. And I'm getting a few splinters, but I kind of like it. And any moment we might be discovered. It's just something that gets me really excited. But don't worry. That's all over.
 * Danny: I'll be right back.
 * (ELECTRONlC BUZZlNG)
 * Delinda: Danny! (DELlNDA LAUGHlNG)

Wagers Of Sin

 * Polly: I have lost the will to work.
 * Sam: You're Korean.
 * Polly: Hard to believe, I know.

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 * Polly: After I find new boyfriend, I work, maybe six month.
 * Samantha: How about if I get Chul Ho back for you.
 * Polly: No way. He go to L.A., already look for better girlfriend with a tight booty bounce quarter off and big hooter, plastic.

The Chicken Is Making My Back Hurt

 * Doctor Sassen: Your handshake -- it's like a little girl's.
 * Ed: Here's an idea for ya. How about I crack you right in the mouth. And that way you...(recognizes trickery, starts to laugh uneasily) That was a test. You had me there good.
 * Doctor Sassen: I just wanted to get a sense of what I'm dealing with here.

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 * Anger Management Doctor: Okay Ed, how would you react if a man stood right in front of you and said he was gonna knock your teeth down your throat?
 * Ed: Well doc, you see the first thing you do is kinda take a half a step to the right so you can't get hit with a straight right-hand,, then I take my thumb and I go right for this eyeball (making a move for the doc's right eyeball to show him)
 * Anger Management Doctor: No!
 * Ed: No?
 * Anger Management Doctor': No.

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 * Mike: I hate this town

Pharaoh Nuff

 * Ed: I'm taking your mom to Paris for Valentines Day.
 * Delinda: I thought you hated France.
 * Ed: The French...not France.

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 * Danny: Well, if he took the thing, he's obviously a thief.
 * Mike: So, what do you want to do?
 * Ed: I guess there's only one thing we can do. We're gonna steal it back, boys.

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 * (Ed, Mike and Danny talking about stealing the already stolen mummy back, Mikes having a few concerns)
 * Ed: Listen, no one is going to jail, okay? All we're doing is simply reclaiming something that belongs to us, now are you in or out?
 * Danny: I'm In.
 * Mike: One condition, if we go to jail I get the top bunk.
 * Ed: If we go to jail you pretty boys wont have to worry about it, you wont be getting much sleep. :(laughs) know what I mean?

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 * Lifting the mummy's coffin into the Moncetio's loading bay.
 * Danny: This is pretty light?
 * Mike: Well the dude hasn't eaten in the last 3000 odd years.

The Burning Bedouin

 * Sam: I need a favor.
 * Delinda: What's up?
 * Sam: I need you to be Asad Sumar's casino host for at least a day.
 * Delinda: What?
 * Sam: I know he bought you that expensive dress, if you say no you'll look like a money grubbing whore.
 * Delinda: You know about the dress?
 * Sam: Everybody knows about the dress.
 * Delinda: Even Danny?
 * Sam: He's actually a little smarter than he looks, isn't he?
 * Delinda: I knew that would come back to bite me in the ass.
 * Sam: I know. Your ass is pretty popular these days, so that's nice isn't it? Will you do this for me? Pretty please?
 * Delinda: He's pissed at me.
 * Sam: Well since he's pissed at you, maybe you should pass the time by, say, making some extra money and filling in for me.
 * Delinda: How much extra?
 * Sam: Well it would be enough to pay Asad back for that dress if you are stupid enough to do it.
 * Delinda: You've got yourself a deal.

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 * Delinda: You like someone.
 * Sam: No I don't. [pause] You just worry about Asad. I'll worry about not liking someone.

Junk In The Trunk

 * Danny: When you woke up she knocked you out ? Hehehe.
 * Mike: Yes and keep this between us.
 * Danny: Of course why will say that it is embarassing.
 * Mike: Great, thanks.

(Danny talks to the people)
 * Danny: Mike Canon aka peanuthead got his ass kicked by a girl.

Cast

 * James Caan - Ed Deline
 * Josh Duhamel - Danny McCoy
 * James Lesure - Mike Cannon
 * Vanessa Marcil - Samantha Jane "Sam" Marquez
 * Molly Sims - Delinda Deline
 * Nikki Cox - Mary Connell
 * Marsha Thomason - Nessa Holt