Last Man Standing (season 1)


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Last Man Standing (2011–2017, 2018–2021) is an American television sitcom starring Tim Allen as a senior employee of a sporting goods store in Denver, Colorado, who is a married father of three daughters and a grandfather to his oldest daughter's son, Boyd.

Pilot [1.01]

 * Mike: I'm baaaaack. [drops a large fish on the table]
 * Vanessa: What am I supposed to do with this?
 * Mike: You slice it, mouth to anus. You pull everything out. Pretty self-explanatory.


 * Vanessa: Ah, the boss wants to see me. I am worried. Even though I've been there almost a year, I'm still the new chick.
 * Mike: That's good. New chick's always hot.


 * Vanessa: Can you drive Eve to soccer?
 * Mike: Soccer, that's just Europe's covert war for the hearts and minds of America's kids.
 * Eve: We're scrimmaging the boys to make us tougher.
 * Mike: Well, the boys aren't that tough. I've seen them play. Running around, getting hair gel in their eyes, run into the goalpost, and they cry.
 * Vanessa: Why are you watching the young boys play soccer?
 * Mike: I'm pretty sure I just explained why.
 * Kristin: Hey, mom, can you take Boyd to day care? I can't be late to the diner. It's our salute to bacon week, and I am the only person who knows how to work the defibrillator.
 * Vanessa: I'm running late. Ask your dad.
 * Kristin: Oh, not dad. Boyd only knows like six words and half of them are "I blame Obamacare". He's a bad influence.
 * Mike: You know, he's standing right here.
 * Vanessa: He does his best.
 * Mike: Literally, I'm standing right here.
 * Mike: You know who should take Boyd to day care? It's that deadbeat, no-good father of his.
 * Kristin: Yeah, dad. We've been over this, really. I'm doing fine. I know this might be hard for you to believe because you're so old school, but I do not need a man.
 * Mike: Well, you got a baby, so you needed a man once.
 * Kristin: Eww! All right, I will take Boyd to day care, but I just hope my being late does not cause the Great Bacon Riot of 2011.
 * Mike: I like bacon


 * Mike: Manly acts are varnishing, that's a fact. What do we do when the aliens invade or the zombies come out of their graves or the machines rise up. Who's going to lead us. [points to Boyd] You!