Last Man Standing (season 8)


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Last Man Standing (2011–2017, 2018–2021) is an American television sitcom starring Tim Allen as a senior employee of a sporting goods store in Denver, Colorado, who is a married father of three daughters and a grandfather to his oldest daughter's son, Boyd.

No Parental Guidance [8.01]

 * Mike: Listen.


 * Mandy: Hey.

Wrench in the Works [8.02]

 * Chuck: Okay. Okay.


 * Kyle: Oh!

Yours, Wine, and Ours [8.03]

 * Vanessa: Oh, h-h-h-hey.


 * Kristin: It's you and Kyle.


 * Ryan and Kyle: Oh, my God!
 * Ryan: Oh, this is so fantastic!


 * Kyle: Wow!

You’ve Got Male (or Female) [8.04]

 * Mike: You should consider yourself lucky.


 * Kristin: Hi.


 * Boyd: Hi, Grandma.

The Office [8.05]

 * Chuck: Hey, Carol.
 * Carol: Hey, Chuck.


 * Chuck: Mm-hmm.

Mysterious Ways [8.06]

 * Paul: Yeah, and Kyle's not even a minister.


 * Kristin: Hi.

Bedtime Story [8.07]

 * Chuck: Here you go, Ed.


 * Kristin: Ryan, stop.

Romancing the Stone [8.08]

 * Mike: (on computer) Mandy, what do you want me to do?


 * Ed: Get the hell in here, Chuck.

Girls Rock [8.09]

 * Mike: We're not done yet.


 * Vanessa: So, Jen, we want to talk to you about your future as a social media influencer.

Break Out the Campaign [8.10]

 * Vanessa: Hi, I'm Vanessa Baxter.


 * Mike: I just don't think we can sell Vanessa as a killer.

Baked Sale [8.11]

 * Jen: Thanks.


 * Mike: Yeah, no. Uh, the school board doesn't know anything about this.

I'm with Cupid [8.12]

 * Joe: You know, life is so unfair.


 * Joe: We finished working on the truck an hour ago.

Student Doubt [8.13]

 * Mike: Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man with the 5 least helpful words in the English language: "You got this, no problem!". Translation: "Please don't ask me to do this for you.". We all like to pretend "You got this" means, "I believe in you", but let's face it, it just really means, "It would be so great if you could just take care of your own side of the street". I mean, sometimes you mean it, like the first time you let go of the back of the two-wheeler and watch our kid wobble away. "Y-You got this. You got this. Oh, oh, oh! Go, whoa, whoa. Good try. Try not to lead with your head next time. I'll get a Band-Aid.". Of course, more and more these days, people don't get it. You don't believe me, ask a young person to grab the jack and change a tire. The kid's gonna look at you and go, "Wh-Who's Jack?" We spend a lot of energy teaching people how to ask for help, but if we teach people to engage, fail, and learn, then we'll have people who don't need help. Not from me, not from the government, and certainly not from some smart device that you bought to bug your own home. Listen, in the Bible, my favorite carpenter says, "If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it", but I wonder that under his breath he actually said, "But I would prefer if you took a shit at figuring it out yourself. Come on, you got this, no problem!". Baxter out.

This Too Shall Bass [8.14]

 * Kyle: Okay, Mandy, we're ready.


 * Kyle: Right.

Chili Chili Bang Bang [8.15]

 * Jen: Uh, studying for my AP History exam.

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 * Kristin: I have an idea.

Along Came a Spider [8.16]

 * Mike: Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man talking about arachnids. Spiders. I've traveled throughout the world and seen hundreds of the estimated 35,000 species. They can be big, little, poisonous, jump high, but one thing all spiders are is authentic. You push 'em, they push back. If you push up against a Brazilian, uh, wandering spider? You might want to wander into an emergency room. Spiders have very poor eyesight, you know? Unlike the Feds, who have a lot of eyes and can see your hard-earned money no matter where you put it. You got to love the female spiders. Yeah. They often begin eating the male during sex. You know, he knew what he was getting into, but he d*ed doing what he loved. Look, big females eat their puny mates (simply because A) They're hungry. Right? (B) They can. Love 'em or hate 'em, you never wonder if spiders are being straight with you. Maybe our leaders should take a lesson from spiders instead of, I don't know, snakes? Politicians like to come up with ways to convince us that they're being honest with us. Here's an idea. Why don't you tell the truth? Maybe we should be like spiders and let the women run things, huh? Yeah. Just be sure to avoid 'em, you know, when they're hungry. Baxter out.

Keep the Change [8.17]

 * Mike: Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man talking about change. Now, nature is full of change. Sometimes that change is good. A caterpillar goes into a slimy cocoon and emerges a gorgeous butterfly. On the other hand, some change is, well, hard. When a bear cub says goodbye to the cave, he leaves behind two very sad bear parents who feel like they have nothing left in life, except selling toilet paper, and mauling campers. But there's two ways of looking at change. You can either focus on what you're losing, or celebrate what you're gaining. To quote the novelist Hermann Hesse, "Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go!". Great advice for life, bad advice if you're rock climbing. My advice for dealing with change? Take baby steps. Like, maybe you used to go camping with your family in a 200-square-foot tent. Then the kids moved out, and now when you go camping, you and your old lady feel like the last two people at a circus. That's why this month at Outdoor Man, we're inviting you empty nesters to trade in your old family tent for a discount on our new, cozy, two-person tent. Insulated, easy setup, water-resistant. Now, the only thing it can't do is protect you from those bears. But don't worry, they probably just want to show you photos of their cubs and grand-cubs. And then they're gonna maul you. Baxter out.

Garage Band [8.18]

 * Mike: Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man, talking about chemistry. No, it's not just about lighting methane and hydrogen sulfide and sh**ting a blue angel from your nether regions. Man, I miss college. It also happens when a bunch of people work well together. Like the cast of Love Boat. That episode with Captain Stubing's dad? If you didn't cry watching that, I don't want to know you. British rock band The Who had great chemistry. Peter Townshend, Roger Daltrey, John Entwistle, and their wild man on drums, Keith Moon. Do you know how much it takes to be a crazy one in a rock band? Moon the Loon, as they called him. Had a way of pushing their buttons. He also pushed them to rock and roll glory. Now, legend has it that it was right after Keith said, "Hey, pull my finger", that Townshend wrote "Won't Get Fooled Again". Once Keith was gone, it just wasn't the same. That's the thing about chemistry, folks. You need all the elements to make a perfect compound. Two hydrogen molecules can't do squat until an oxygen molecule turns them into water. And then they ruin a baseball game. So don't take the little things for granted. Whether it's an atom or one of these hand-tied lures. Right? Which we have on sale all this week at Outdoor Man. Because if you only got a rod and a line, you're just a weird guy with a stick. Baxter out.

The Big LeBaxter [8.19]

 * Mike: Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man, talking about winners and losers, not to be confused with right and wrong. Now, would it be nice if doing the right thing and winning was always, went hand in hand? It would also be nice if ice cream got you ripped. But I know you're winners. You know how I know? Because you're listening to me. Sometimes, we can spot a winner pretty quickly, like in 40 seconds if it's Conor McGregor coming at you across The Octagon. Look out, Cowboy. Or sometimes, we might need overtime to crown a champ. And sometimes, we'll never find out who won. Welcome to Iowa caucus. "Uh, I forgot how to count.". You know, they say history is written by the winners, but it's really written by historians. And before we call them winners, one of them should have to go out and get a girlfriend. Speaking of history, Roman philosopher Seneca once said, "Admire those who attempt great things even though they fail.". Another philosopher, Green Bay Packer Vince Lombardi said, "Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser.". Hmm. Seneca won more debates, but Lombardi won more championships. Now, sometimes, as Americans, our obsession with winning and losing can make us lose sight of what's right and wrong. I'm talking to you, Houston Astros. As Marcus Aurelius said, "If it's not right, don't do it. If it's not true, don't say it.". And that, my friends, is the truth. Just saying. Baxter out.

Extrasensory Deception [8.20]

 * Mike: Hey, Mike Baxter for Outdoor Man. Want to take a second to thank you all for making this vlog so popular. I may record it in the state of Colorado, but the Outdoor Man philosophy is really a state of mind. Hard to believe how big our following has gotten. I guess, like me, most outdoorsmen just love hunting for the truth. Of course, it's an election year, so it's really not in season. But over 2,000 years ago, a guy had only 12 followers, and he said something simple. "The truth shall set you free!". Those 12 guys retweeted so many times, Jesus now has over two billion fans. Now, that is an influencer. The only time the truth doesn't set you free is when you hold on to it. This is especially dangerous if you try to keep a secret from your wife. That leaves you with quite a dilemma. "Dilemma" from "di", meaning "two", and "lemma" as in "lemma explain what I meant". Marriage is just an endless injection of sodium pentothal. Lying to your wife is not only immoral, it's pointless. Try it, and you'll learn lies can actually set you free. Free to pack up your crap and move into a one-bedroom across town. Or maybe a nice one-man tent, on sale all this month at Outdoor Man. That's the truth. Baxter out.

How You Like Them Pancakes? [8.21]

 * Mike: Okay, here's how it goes, all right? You got 5 minutes in the morning to eat something and say your hellos, right? Then you got to go downstairs or upstairs. Common areas, off-limits.

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 * Chuck: Yeah.

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 * Ed: Yeah.