Last of the Summer Wine

Last of the Summer Wine is a British sitcom written by Roy Clarke which follows the adventures of three quirky pensioners and their equally unusual neighbours.

Of Funerals and Fish

 * Nora Batty is placing her laundry out to dry with another lady as two men enter Compo's house below.
 * Nora Batty: They're taking his telly again.
 * Lady: Oh, is it Tuesday already?


 * Compo: Your old lady's dog is crapping all over the pavement.
 * Blamire: That's funny. He usually sews it up in little bags and sends it by post.


 * Compo: Hey Cyril, give me a fag, I'll give you a sniff of me socks!


 * Clegg: This fellow, he picks up this tiny bird in his hands, and carries its quivering little body across this busy junction, and feeds it to his cat. Life's like that: a complex texture of conflicting moralities.


 * Vicar: (after getting a cigarette from Clegg) I'm supposed to be stopping, but then, on the other hand, it's hardly fitting for me to be seen trying to live forever, is it?


 * Blamire: (referring to Compo) He's still calling for me in broad daylight!
 * Clegg: Tell the neighbours he doesn't belong to you, you're just looking after him for somebody.


 * Clegg: If God's omnipotent, what could he possibly want with my old woman?


 * Compo: Do you reckon I'm in love with Mrs. Batty, or is it just sex?



Hail Smiling Morn or Thereabouts

 * Blamire has found his old camera, and has visited a photographic exhibition with Compo. They then find Clegg.
 * Blamire: (Fiddling with his camera) You know, I must get a light meter.
 * Clegg: I should get a heavy one. You'll pay more, but it'll last longer.

The Man from Oswestry

 * Compo: I thought you'd be open.
 * Sid: Well that's a natural assumption if you ignore the drawn blinds and the forty foot sign that says closed.


 * Clegg: Why is it, if there's such a shortage of oil, it keeps appearing on my trouser bottom?


 * Compo: (referring to Foggy) What's he doing now?
 * Clegg: He's doing alright. You get depressed sometimes and begin to believe there aren't any real, old fashioned idiots left, and then, out of the blue, comes a genuine, fourteen carat, gilded barmpot like this!


 * Foggy: (referring to Compo) That man has a hole in his trousers!
 * Clegg: Yes, it's just his way of showing his individuality.

Walking Stiff Can Make You Famous

 * Clegg: (referring to Foggy) You seem to have changed it from bicycle polo to bicycle water polo!

What's Happened to Barry's Nose?

 * Auntie Wainwright: You're never alone with a megaphone.


 * Pearl: Of course I like him.
 * Marina: (unseen, through megaphone) Oh, Howard!
 * Howard: (unseen, through megaphone) Oh, Marina!
 * Pearl: I'll kill him!

Last Post and Pigeon
Why has Compo's trip to France been cancelled?
 * Compo: It's because they're ashamed of me, because I'm scruffy!
 * Clegg: I wouldn't say scruffy. (to Truly) Would you say scruffy?
 * Truly: ...Yes, I'd say scruffy.
 * Clegg: Well, if you're just going to be honest all the time.


 * Auntie Wainwright: You look like a lady who appreciates a bargain.
 * Ros: I'm no lady, and you haven't got any bargains.


 * Auntie Wainwright: Do I know you?
 * Ros: At these prices, I think I know you!

Under the Rug

 * Compo: "Could this be the missing piece?" he asks himself. "Could this be the thing that works the magic with Nora Batty?"
 * Truly: "Could this be a total idiot?" he asks himself.
 * Clegg: Close.

Elegy for Fallen Wellies

 * Glenda: Something's tormenting you, Barry. You're thinking about life and death, and all the big questions.
 * Barry: Who's gonna look after his ferrets?


 * Truly: D'you think the dead ever see a sunrise?
 * Clegg: Yes, I do, actually.
 * Truly: Even those who don't get up very early?
 * Clegg: Even them. Maybe that's what Paradise is: a place where the sun doesn't come up until you're ready.
 * Truly: You think he was heavenly material, do you?
 * Clegg: Certainly. "To be as little children" – that was him.


 * Howard: You hear of people dying, it makes you realise you have to fill every moment. Now, I don't get out enough.
 * Pearl: Inside! You can fill the coal bucket.
 * Howard: But Pearl, love, we have to live like there's no tomorrow.
 * Pearl: If you don't get inside, there'll be no tomorrow!
 * Howard: One minute we're here, the next minute we're gone.
 * Pearl: That's been true of you for years!

Just a Small Funeral
Howard is confined to the house, and looking for a way to escape
 * Howard: I wonder if I've got time to change my library book.
 * Pearl: Inside, before I change your whole personality!

The Trio/Quartet
Michael Bates - Cyril Blamire (Series 1-2) Bill Owen - William "Compo" Simmonite (Series 1-21) Peter Sallis - Norman Clegg (Series 1-31) Brian Wilde - Walter "Foggy" Dewhurst (Series 3-8, 12-18) Michael Aldridge - Seymour Utterthwaite (Series 9-12) Frank Thornton - Herbert "Truly" Truelove (Series 19-31) Keith Clifford - Billy Hardcastle (Series 22-27) Brian Murphy - Alvin Smedley (Series 24-31) Burt Kwouk - Entwistle (Series 24-31) Russ Abbot - Luther "Hobbo" Hobdyke (Series 30-31)

Supporting Cast
Kathy Staff - Nora Batty (Series 1-22, 24-30) Jane Freeman - Ivy (Series 1-31) John Comer - Sid (Series 1-7) Blake Butler - Mr. Wainwright (Series 1,3) Rosemary Martin - Mrs. Partridge (Series 1) Joe Gladwin - Wally Batty (Series 2-9) Gordon Wharmby - Wesley Pegden (Series 6,8-23) Jonathan Linsley - "Crusher" Milburn (Series 8-9) Juliette Kaplan - Pearl Sibshaw (Series 8-31) Robert Fyfe - Howard Sibshaw (Series 8-31) Jean Ferguson - Marina (Series 8-31) Dame Thora Hird - Edie Pegden (Series 9-24) Mike Grady - Barry Wikinson (Series 9-12, 17-31) Sarah Thomas - Glenda Wilkinson (Series 9-31) Danny O'Dea - Eli Duckett (Series 9-23) Stephen Lewis - Clem "Smiler" Hemmingway (Series 12-28) Jean Alexander - Auntie Wainright (Series 14-31) Tom Owen - Tom Simmonite (Series 21-31) Julie T. Wallace - Mrs. Avery (Series 21-22) Dora Bryan - Auntie Ros (Series 21-26) Josephine Tewson - Miss Lucinda Davenport (Series 24-31) June Whitfield - Nellie (Series 27-31)