Lazer Team

Lazer Team is a 2015 American sci-fi comedy film. The film follows the Lazer Team, a group of four who find themselves responsible for the fate of the planet upon discovering an alien crash site containing a battle suit.
 * Directed by Matt Hullum. Written by Burnie Burns, Chris Demarais, Josh Flanagan, and Matt Hullum.

Mankind's Darkest Hour Needs Our Brightest Team (taglines)

Opening Text
For decades, scientists have monitored the cosmos in search of extra-terrestrial intelligence. In 1977, the S.E.T.I. program received a one-time transmission that appeared to come from an alien civilization. Known as the "Wow Signal", its meaning has never been deciphered... At least, that's what we were told.

Antarian Hologram

 * Greetings, O Champion. The Antarian Federation bestows upon you this Suit of Power. A great battle awaits you. The fate of your world lies in your hands. Our enemy is powerful, but a true champion will prevail. Prepare yourself. And good luck, Champion of Earth. Conflict is coming.

Other

 * Disheveled Scientist: Man, I freakin' love science!


 * Officer Vendenbloom: You guys are trending, by the way. [Zach: What? Nice.] Can I friend you? If that's a... no. I'll be on the other side of the window... if you need me.

Dialogue

 * [Herman nearly runs over Hagan's foot.]
 * Hagan: Hey! [notices who it is] You're going the wrong way.
 * Woody: [With a thick hillbilly accent] Sorry, Sheriff.
 * Herman: He ain't a Sheriff, Woody. He's a half-ass.
 * [Drives off, kicking water onto Hagan.]
 * Woody: Bye, Sheriff Half-Ass!


 * [Hagan has a drunken Zach in the back of his police cruiser.]
 * Hagan: You're lucky I'm not taking you in, kid. You should be arrested.
 * Zach: Your face should be arrested. 'Cause your face is a whore!
 * [Hagan slams on the brakes, sending Zach's forehead into the glass.]
 * Zach: Ahh!
 * Hagan: You should really buckle up back there. I'd hate to have to give you a ticket for it.
 * Zach: Wait, I know you. You're that guy that blew the championship game like 800 years ago! What does everyone call you? Has-Been Halfback? No, it's Half-Ass Hagan!
 * [Hagan slams on the brakes again, and Zach's face hits the glass again.]
 * Zach: Seriously, dude, that hurts! Wait, Hagan? Mindy's name-.
 * Hagan: That's right. Mindy is my daughter.
 * Zach: Oh, that's why you're trippin' on me. Look, dude I get it. You don't like the idea of someone dating your daughter.
 * Hagan: You know, kid, I raised my daughter to be a strong, independent woman, who's capable of making her own decisions. That being said, as her father, sometimes I disagree with those decisions.
 * Zach: Look, don't worry about it. Mindy and I are just friends. I mean, I haven't even banged her yet.
 * [Hagan slams the brakes again. Same result.]
 * Zach: Ahh! God!
 * Hagan: I should really get the brakes checked in this car.


 * Herman: Well, well, look who it is. Woody, prep another one.
 * [Woody goes to prepare another firework.]
 * Hagan: Stay where you are, Woody.
 * Herman: No, Woody, prep another one. [stands] Look here, Officer. This here is private property.
 * Hagan: Yeah, you only get to say that when it's your private property, Herman. Besides, you're breaking the law!
 * Herman: Since when is blowing shit up against the law?
 * Hagan: Since they invented laws!
 * Herman: Oh, yeah? What do they say about this? [throws beer can at Hagan, who ducks and the can hits his car.] Add littering to my list of offenses.
 * Hagan: Look, you can either give me the fireworks, or you can spend the night in a drunk tank. And that goes for you too, Woody!
 * Woody: I done that before! Someone threw a ball and I fell in a tub of water.
 * Hagan: [confused] No, that's a dunk tank, Woody. The drunk tank is jail.
 * Woody: Oh, I don't wanna do that.
 * Herman: You want the fireworks? Fine. I'll give you a firework.
 * [Herman pulls a large firework from his bag.]
 * Woody: Ooh. The Mama Gigante.


 * Herman: High-pressure moment. Whatcha gonna do, Hagan?
 * Hagan: Herman?
 * Herman: [Prepares to light the firework with a blowtorch.] Oooh, this is gonna be a big one,
 * Hagan: Do not light that firework.
 * Zach: Do it! Light that bastard!
 * Hagan: Alright, one more word out of you, and I'll-.
 * Zach: What, you're gonna double-arrest me? Ha-ha-ha!
 * Hagan: [clearly annoyed] Herman!
 * [Woody notices a strange light in the sky]
 * Woody: Uh... Officer Hagan?
 * Hagan: Not now, Woody! Herman! Do. Not. Light. That.
 * [Herman lights the firework]
 * Herman: Oops. Too slow. Just like always.
 * Hagan: [reaching for his cuffs] That's it! Come- [suddenly notices the same light] What is that?
 * Herman: Yeah, you think I'm gonna fall for-. [also notices] Oh.
 * [The Mama Gigante goes off while they stare. It heads straight for the light.]
 * Hagan: Oh, shit!
 * [The firework hits the ship, sending it crashing downward.]
 * Hagan: [to Herman] That is your fault! You did the one thing I told you not to do!
 * Herman: I shot E.T.! I killed E.T.! I didn't mean to do it!
 * [The ship is heading straight for Hagan's car with Zach still inside.]
 * Zach: Guys, guys, guys! Help! Help! Hagan, I promise I won't try to bang your daughter! Third base, tops!
 * [Hagan gets him out in time, and the ship crashes through the car and into the ground. At the military base, the soldiers hear the commotion.]
 * Colonel Emory: What in God's name was that?
 * Hagan: What the hell was that?!
 * Herman: That was... Woody's fault.
 * Woody: My bad.


 * [Herman runs away from some soldiers using his new boots, but doesn't get very far before vomiting and fainting.]
 * Soldier: Did we take him out?
 * Officer Vandenbloom: No, I think he just fainted.
 * Soldier: [pause] Take him out again.
 * Officer Vandenbloom: [to other soldiers] Take him out again!
 * [Another soldier sprays mace onto an unconscious Herman.]
 * Soldier 2: Stop resisting!

Taglines

 * Mankind's Darkest Hour Needs Our Brightest Team.

Cast

 * Burnie Burns — Anthony Hagan
 * Gavin Free — Woodrow "Woody" Wilson
 * Michael Jones — Zach Spencer
 * Colton Dunn - Herman Mendoza
 * Allie DeBerrie - Mindy Hagan
 * Alan Ritchson - Adam