Life With Derek

Life With Derek is a family television show that airs on the Family Channel in Canada and the Disney Channel in the United States which made its debut in 2005.

The Room [1.1]
(Edwin walks in the bathroom, not noticing Casey in there in her PJs)
 * Edwin: (looks at Casey) Ahhh! (looks down at his boxers) Ahhh! (runs out as Derek walks in)
 * Derek: Come on, Smarti. (takes Marti out of bathtub)
 * Marti: Smerek...
 * Derek: (towards Casey) Do you mind?
 * Casey: Yeah. I was here first.
 * Derek: Ok, then. (Derek starts to get ready to go to the toilet)
 * Casey: UGH! (leaves bathroom)


 * Casey: Not again. Can you please turn it down! Der-ek! (Derek opens the door after Casey knocks on it)
 * Derek: Who are you?
 * Casey: I'm the step-sister you've always wanted.
 * Derek: Really, 'cause you look like the ugly step-sister from Snow White.
 * Casey: That's Cinderella, you freak. Now could you turn down the music?
 * Derek: Oh, well why didn't you say so? (turns off the music) Now, I never had any noise complaints when Edwin had that room before he was forced upstairs to make room for you guys.
 * Casey: Room? What room? There is no room in our room!


 * Marti: I have an announcement! I'm not wearing socks!


 * (While telling her mother how her siblings give her no privacy)
 * Casey: Marti, please give me back my toothbrush.
 * (Marti's cleaning the tub with the toothbrush)
 * Marti: Say please.
 * Casey: I just did.
 * Marti: No.



The Fall [1.2]

 * Nora: Umm. this looks...
 * Derek': This looks disgusting. Dad, when did you start to cook?


 * Marti: Pigs speak Latin?
 * Casey: Ask Derek.


 * Casey: I'd shake your hand but I'm...
 * Derek': Sweaty and gross.


 * Sam: You have a step-sister?
 * Derek: It was a recent accident by marriage.


 * George: The family that eats together.
 * Edwin: Barfs together.



The Party [1.3]

 * Casey: How did this happen? How does a person who prides herself on being in total control lose it? Why am I sitting on the bathroom floor? Why is there an out of control party in my living room? The answer to all of these questions could only be: Derek.


 * Casey: I don't believe it! Am I really having a conversation with the bane of my existence aka Derek?



Puppy Dog Tails [1.4]

 * Marti: Beans, Beans, the musical food, the more you eat, the more you toot.


 * Casey: I never realized these things were so important to you men! Boys and girls are different, you know!
 * Derek: Yeah, I found that out the fun way on our old couch.



Grade-Point: Average [1.5]

 * George: Derek, you failed your English test? You do speak English, right?
 * Derek: Very goodly.


 * George: What does a dog say?
 * Marti: Nothing, because dogs can't talk!


 * Derek: This sounds like it was written by a 10 year old!
 * Edwin: Yeah! It was.


 * Sam: Maybe we can work on the project together?
 * Derek: Thanks, but I don't think both of us failing is the answer.

<hr width="50%"/>

The Wedding [1.6]

 * Vicky: What are you doing?
 * Casey: (hugging Vicky) Don't ask. Just hug.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Casey: Well, you don't have to worry about me ruining your mother's wedding because I quit! And if I could quit being your cousin, I'd quit that too! (storms out)
 * Vicky: Fine! Quit all you want! I don't want to be part of the stupid wedding or your stupid wedding reception! I'm going to my room!
 * Lizzie: You don't live here.
 * Vicky: I'm going to your room!
 * Lizzie: Upstairs on the right.

The Pox Father [1.7]

 * George: ...but neither of us would be sick if it wasn't for him. (glances up at Derek)
 * Derek: Just call me the Pox Father. (chuckles)

<hr width="50%"/>

House of Games [1.8]
Casey: If you don't have a place to put your toothbrush, what else do you have?! <hr width="50%"/>

Marti the Monster [1.9]

 * Marti: (about eating chicken fingers for dinner) Derek would let me.
 * Casey: Oh, he would, would he?
 * Marti: Yeah.
 * Casey: Well, would Derek let you do this?

(Casey turns on the radio and she and Marti dance to "Boy Meets Girl: Infatuation". Halfway through, Edwin joins them) <hr width="50%"/> (Edwin had just blocked out 'bra talk')
 * Nora: I'm sorry, Edwin. (to Casey) I need to borrow a "sock."
 * Casey: (catching on) Uh, Mom, I don't think my "sock" would fit your "feet".

<hr width="50%"/>

Sweet Misery [1.10]

 * Paul: So this has brought you and Derek closer together?
 * Casey: [smiling] Not at all! The worm is gonna squirm.
 * Paul: You know, if you give love, you get love.

Babe Raider [1.11]

 * Edwin: (to Casey while she's playing Babe Raider) Wow, you kick butt for a girl! Actually, you kick butt for anybody!

<hr width="50%"/>

All Systems No Go [1.12]

 * Marti: I hit Dimi.
 * George: But it was an accident, right, Marti?
 * Marti: No. Dimi bugged me, so I gave him the ol' one-two.
 * Nora: Marti, that's terrible! You never hit someone!
 * Marti: But Dimi's a doofus!
 * George: Marti, upstairs, now!
 * Marti: You're mean!
 * George: I'm sure Marti is very sorry.
 * Marti: No, I'm not! Crybaby!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Nora: Oh, great! We're the next door neighbours from Hell!!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Paul:(to Casey)I would never call you a freak.

<hr width="50%"/>

Male Code Blue [1.13]

 * Lizzie: [scoring the 'How Well Do You Know Your Kids?' quiz] Let's see: you didn't know my GYM teacher's name...
 * Nora: Jim, the gym teacher.
 * Lizzie: You got Edwin's birthday wrong, day and year.
 * George: I was told there'd be no math.
 * Lizzie: And neither of you knew Derek's been stealing my Tooth Fairy money.
 * Nora: Yes, but technically that wasn't part of the quiz.
 * Lizzie: Fine, I won't count it. But that still gives you 2 out of 20. And any score less than 6, I'm supposed to call a social worker.

<hr width="50%"/>

Date With Derek [2.1]

 * George: Good, 'cause this house can't handle another boy-crazed girl.
 * Nora: And what about the girl crazed boys in this house?
 * George: Yeah, but boys don't hog the phone like girls do, 'cause boys don't like to talk so much. Not that talking is a bad thing. I'm drowning here, Ed.
 * Edwin: Don't drag me down with you dad.

<hr width="50%"/>

He Shoots, She Scores [2.2]

 * Casey: I have a DVD of the National Ballet doing "Swan Lake"!
 * Edwin: No.
 * Robot: No.
 * Casey: Come on guys, give it a chance. You may like ballet.
 * Marti: Sorry Casey, the robot has spoken.

<hr width="50%"/>

Middle Manic [2.3]
(While Sam is talking)
 * Derek: (Thinking) This is so boring. When is he going to stop talking? I'm hungry! I wonder what's for lunch. Maybe pizza. Yumm, pizza...

<hr width="50%"/>

The Venturian Candidate[2.4]

 * PA Announcer: Attention students, the election results are in, and for the first time, a write-in candidate has won. Congratulations...Emily Davis?!
 * Casey: Emily Davis?
 * Emily: Emily Davis?! (excitedly) I'm Emily Davis! I win!

<hr width="50%"/>

Battle of the Bands [2.5]
(Derek's band plays)
 * Derek: (Singing badly) She said it was over and it was not over. She said it was over and it was not over. She said it was over and it was not over. Nah nah nah nah nah! Nah nah nah nah nah! Yeah!
 * (Family is stunned over his singing, execpt Edwin)
 * Edwin: (applauds) Encore! Encore! Encore! That was totally awesome!

<hr width="50%"/>

Lies My Brother Told Me [2.6]

 * Casey: Alright, Derek. You got me into this mess, you get me out.
 * Edwin: Casey, speaking from experience, Derek doesn't respond to demands. He prefers the big yes-man, boot-licking approach.
 * Casey: [exasperated] Derek, you are the guru of the sacred art of deceit. You and only you can help me in my hour of need. Please, oh Great Liar, take pity on my poor truthful soul.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Derek: Whenever somebody asks me if I've seen a movie, I always lie and say yes. That way I won't have to hear them drone on about how good it is to the point where it makes me wish I've seen it or how awful it is to the point where it makes me wish I've never heard of it.

Crushing the Coach [2.7]

 * Scott: She's a blonde.

<hr width="50%"/>

Prank Wars [2.8]

 * Edwin: (looks at Derek who's holding a video camera) Derek, what are you doing?
 * Derek: I'm taping Casey's reaction when she finds out-
 * (door opens, Casey storms into the house)
 * Casey: (yelling) It's SATURDAY! (throws down her school books and chases after Derek)
 * Edwin: That’s Genius.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Casey: I do not snore!
 * Derek: Then you...sleep with bagpipes?

Freaked Out Friday [2.9]

 * (Casey is practicing a routine for a dance competition as Edwin and his friend Jason walk in)
 * Edwin: Oh, not again. C'mon, let's go upstairs.
 * Jason: (fixated on Casey) Wait a sec, who is that goddess?
 * Edwin: Stepsister Casey. She's practicing for some dance competition. C'mon.
 * Jason: (to Edwin) But--but it's rude to leave in the middle of a song.
 * (Casey's song ends as Casey finishes her routine)

<hr width="50%"/>
 * (Casey's episode overview)
 * Casey: (she breaks the fourth wall) I love the rush of performing for a live audience. But beforehand? I'm freaked! It's part of being a sensitive, artistic overachiever. As opposed to insensitive, crude underachievers---like Derek.

<hr width="50%"/>


 * '' (Lizzie is crying on her bed as Nora walks in to comfort her.)

Nora: (Sympathetically) Hey Lizard.

Lizzie: (Defensively) Mom look, I'm sorry I wouldn't do the dishes earlier but I had my reasons.

Nora: I know exactly how you're feeling.

Lizzie: You do?

Nora: Yeah. You said it yourself. You're growing up. Adolescence is a time for changes. Emotional, physical, hormonal.

Lizzie: Hormonal?

Nora: Yeah. Hormones are kinda like eh-, well they're kinda like emotional pimples. You know they, they mess with your head. And that's exactly why you wouldn't do the dishes.

Lizzie: Mom my hormones are not the reason why I wouldn't do the dishes!

Nora (Tone changes from sympathetic to smug as she realizes how much fun she is having making Lizzie feel uncomfortable with the word puberty): Really, cause uh getting mad at me's just another symptom of puberty and your hormones are (Waves her hands in the air to represent "crazy").

Lizzie: Mom please stop saying that word!

Nora (Teasingly): What word, hormones or puberty?

Lizzie: (Covering her ears) Mom stop!

Nora: (Looks at Lizzie as if she is finished and is ready to apologize for using the word puberty).

Lizzie: (Carefully takes her hands off her ears and lets her guard down signifying that she trusts Nora not to say the word puberty anymore).

Nora: (Bluntly Tauntingly) PUBERTY!!

Lizzie: (Covers her ears again).

The Bet [2.10]

 * Derek: I love those guys!
 * Trevor: They're girls.
 * Derek: Even better

<hr width="50%"/>

Mice and Men [2.11]

 * Kendra: (to Casey and Emily) So which one of you is the school's super keener?
 * Casey: Uh, I guess that'd be me. But I'm not a super keener.
 * Kendra: Ok, then just a regular keener?
 * Casey: Hey, I like to have fun, too! And homework can be fun!
 * Kendra: (to Casey) Yeah, you're the one.

Dinner Guest [2.12]

 * Lizzie: (Grating cheese) Oww! I think I grated some of my skin into the cheese.
 * Casey: Eww! Get it out and don't bleed in the cheese! PLEASE!
 * Lizzie: (sarcastic) Don't worry I'll be fine!

<hr width="50%"/>

The Dating Game [2.13]

 * Sheldon: Did you know that Emily has had a crush on you for ten years?
 * Derek: Are you sure I'm supposed to know that?
 * Sheldon: Well, she didn't get you but she got the next best thing!
 * Kendra: Where's Casey? Bachelor #1 is already here!
 * (both she and Emily watch Sheldon on the dance floor and wince)
 * Kendra:...And we'll work on one for you later.

<hr width="50%"/>

Two Timing Derek [3.1]

 * Casey: Oh, the moral that requires having one girlfriend at a time.
 * George: Well, they better have that moral. 'Cuz I want my sons to treat the girls they date with the same respect they show their sisters! (receives surprised looks from his family) I mean much better than they treat their sisters.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Derek: I mean what has she been doing flirting with that André? I bet his name was Andrew when he moved from Buffalo.
 * Edwin: Actually no, his brother Serge is in my class. So, unless they're a fake French family.
 * Derek: It's possible!

<hr width="50%"/>

It's Our Party [3.2]

 * Nora: George, you've got to make them come down.
 * George: You mean toss one over each shoulder and carry them downstairs?
 * Nora: Ah, don't be silly. You're not nearly strong enough.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Casey: I know nothing about football.
 * Kendra: So? Just say, "great game" if they win and "terrible game" if they lose.
 * Casey: Please, I can't fake it. He'll find out I don't know my kick-ups from my touch-ons!
 * Kendra: Um, you mean kickoffs and touchdowns.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Casey: Edwin, Lizzie, come on out!
 * Edwin: We're not in here!
 * Lizzie: Edwin, Casey already knows we're in here.
 * Casey: Lizzie, Jamie's waiting for you and Edwin, there are a lot of girls for you to dance with downstairs.
 * Lizzie: Now I'm definitely not coming out!
 * Edwin: Me neither.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Derek: Who died!?
 * Casey: See for yourself.
 * (Derek looks into the living room)
 * Marti: So then the little pig said "Little pig, little pig, let me in!" And what did the wolf say? Anyone? Anyone?
 * Derek: You called me home because the party died!?

Misadventures in Babysitting [3.3]

 * Teddy: (to Derek) I know you don't know me. But I know about you. The lies, the cons, the scams. Edwin has told me everything. You're sort of my (sarcastically) inspiration.
 * Derek: (sarcastically) Really? Then untie me and I'll inspire you some more.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Derek: (shouting) Come out here you cowards and face the music!
 * Casey: Derek, what's going on? Are the kids OK?
 * Derek: The kids are far from OK.
 * Casey: Wha...
 * Lizzie: Casey!
 * Marti: Casey!
 * Edwin: Casey! (they run to Casey and hug her fearfully)
 * Casey: Derek, what have you done to the children?!
 * Derek: Me?! I didn't do anything...yet! Perhaps you'd be interested to know what they did to me.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Marti: Well, at least we had fun with Teddy.
 * Edwin: Where is Teddy?
 * Derek: (hysterically): Teddy is still here?! TEDDY!
 * Casey: Who's Teddy?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * (Derek wakes up tied to his chair)
 * Derek: (slightly freaked) What's going on? (sees Teddy in front of him) Who are you?
 * Teddy: (menacingly) I'm your worst nightmare... and your biggest fan... Teddy.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Derek: Let's celebrate this agreement with cold pizza and milk of the chocolate variety.

<hr width="50%"/>

Slacker Mom [3.4]

 * Casey: (excitedly) Is Derek moving out!?
 * Derek: (picks up his clean sock and sniffs it) They smell like the rainforest.
 * Casey: Yeah, they do.
 * Derek: SWEET!
 * Casey: Sweet? But she touched everything.
 * Derek: Yea, remind me to tip her.
 * Casey: Derek, does my mom look like a maid to you?
 * Derek: You're right, we should get her a uniform!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * George: What are you doing here?
 * Derek: Same reason you're here (smirks at Edwin) To laugh at Ed's pants...
 * Edwin: Hey!
 * Derek: And to help Nora.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * (Casey has finished emptying her giant lunch Nora made.)
 * Klink: Did you rob a health food store?
 * Casey: Oh no, no. Would anyone like a fruit bar? Or yogurt bar? Or trail mix bar?
 * Klink: How 'bout a nut bar?
 * Casey: Oh, don't think I have those.

<hr width="50%"/>

Power Failure [3.5]

 * Casey: You can't do that!
 * Derek: Actually I have to, it's my job.

<hr width="50%"/>

Don't Take a Tip from Me [3.6]

 * Derek (to Casey): Good, because I don't want to hear how I am ruining your new job, yada yada yada, blah blah blah, (high-pitched) DER-EK!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Casey: Can't you see he's just buying you off with this fake generosity?
 * Lizzie: Well, where's my fake generosity?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Derek: Nobody talks that way to my step-sister, but me.

<hr width="50%"/>

The Bully Brothers [3.7]

 * Derek: I'm not scrawny! I'm SCRAPPY.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Casey:(Dragging Derek down the hall) We need to talk!
 * Derek: And you need to cut your nails!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Casey: STOP THE VIOLENCE!
 * Ryan: We haven't started the violence!
 * Casey: Oh... okay. Don't start the violence.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Derek: (having been dragged in then out of the girl's bathroom) Wow, you guys have soap in there?

Home Movies [3.8]

 * Derek: Ms. Martinez, you cannot make me write this essay, I am a director, not a writer.
 * Ms. Martinez: I'm sorry, Derek but your proposal was very...
 * Derek: Entertaining?
 * Ms. Martinez: Silly. Edweirdo, the story of a household superhero.

<hr width="50%"/>

Show-Off-Tune [3.9]

 * Casey: I can't look!
 * Emily: Yes, you can! You made the lead!
 * (Casey shrieks)
 * Emily: (winces) Yeah, I just hope your singing is better then your shrieking.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Max: So, who's my competition?
 * Casey: Max, guess what!
 * Max: You got the lead in the musical?
 * Casey: Who told?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Max: Like I'd ever go to a musical-
 * (Casey raises an eyebrow)
 * Max: That you weren't in!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Emily: Well, I don't know anyone who would be in a musical except . . .Derek?
 * Max: Derek?
 * Casey: DEREK!?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Derek: I'm not only in the male chorus . . .I am the male chorus. And at the after party all the chorus girls are going to be all over me.
 * Lizzie: I knew there was a reason.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Mrs. Z: Alright everyone, I want you to hold your diaphragm for breathing exercises . . . Derek hold your own diaphragm.

Summer School Blues [3.10]

 * Lizzie: I had to get peanut butter for Edwin to get Nosey and now there's no Wink in the sink!
 * Nora: Wink?
 * Lizzie: The skink.
 * George: In our sink?
 * Nora: Why is Wink the skink in our sink?
 * Lizzie: Stink.

<hr width="50%"/>

Grade A Cheater [3.11]

 * Casey: Solve for Max- I mean Solve for x...
 * Derek: Woah, Casey! You okay?
 * Casey: No I'm not! I have to go and take a test that I lied for in order to get because I had a fight with Max and I've never had a fight with Max! Except for now when I just did have a fight with Max, but only because he's a cheater like you!

<hr width="50%"/>

Adios, Derek [3.12]

 * Derek: Señora Sanchez? (raises hand)
 * Señora Sanchez: Si, Derek.
 * Derek: May I please be expelled?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Casey: Oh, so it's my fault you're failing Spanish?
 * Derek: Yes, and thanks to you, my parents might be sending me to private school.
 * Casey: What! That is SO unfair!
 * Derek: I know!
 * Casey: When I wanted to go to private school, there wasn't money.
 * Derek: Huh?

<hr width="50%"/>

Fright Night [3.13]

 * Lizzie: There's a plot afoot to scare Derek and we need you to join the team.
 * Edwin: Impossible.
 * Lizzie: Joining the team or scaring Derek?
 * Edwin: Both. I value my life.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Casey: Ah, Edwin! How long have you been here?
 * Edwin: Since I was born.

<hr width="50%"/>

Two Kisses One Party [4.1]
Max: Casey, when you said you needed a break, it hurt and I kinda moved on.

Casey: Moved on as in stopped thinking about me?

Max: Moved on, as in... I started seeing someone else. I'm sorry.

Casey: No, no, don't be. It's just, I... I feel so bad about what happened and... I still really like you.

Max: I never stopped liking you Casey. I just stopped going out with you. -- Yvette: Hi Prince Edwin.

Edwin: Prince?

Yvette: You know, I'm old for my age.

Edwin: Okay.

Yvette: My dad is ten years older than my mum and they're married.

Edwin: You want to get married?

Yvette: Okay! -- Sally: Still can't believe that he would refuse to help out with his own sister's birthday party. You know, maybe he's not the guy I thought he was.

Casey: Sounds exactly like the guy I know he is -- Sally: Will you organize a game? Please? For me?

Edwin: Ah! You know I can't say no to you.

Derek: Really? 'Cause I can. --

Open Mic Plight [4.2]
Sally: Hey Casey!

Casey: Hey!

Sally: What are you doing here?

Casey: I'm signing up for open mic night. I'm debuting my new solo act.

Sally: Well If you need any songwriting tips, you should talk to Derek.

Casey: Talk to Derek? Why?

Sally: Well, it's supposed to be a secret, but you stepbrother wrote me the most beautiful song.

Casey: Derek did?

Sally: (Singing)Your smile shows your heart, Your eyes share your soul, Whenever we're together...

(Casey cuts her off)

Casey: We're too halves that make a whole?!

Sally: Oh, so you've heard it. Can you believe that Derek wrote that?

Casey: No I really can't (Derek walks in) DER-REK

Derek: Ca-sey. Sal-ly.

Casey: How could you steal my song?!

Sally: Your song?

Derek: I didn't steal your song.

Casey: Oh, of course you didn't. You probably had Edwin do it.

Sally: Yes or NO? Did you write that song?

Derek: I can explain.

(After Derek gets hit in the face with a pie)

Casey: I think they call that, um... "just desserts"? --

Just Friends [4.3]
Derek: Guess who's going out with Kendra Saturday night?

Casey: You asked her out on a date?

Derek: No, she asked me out as a friend.

Casey: So you found out that guys and girls can be friends. Ah, Derek Venturi. I am impressed.

Derek: Please, I'm just doing this to bug Sally. And Kendra knows the score so it's all good.

Marti: Derek someone dropped off a cookie for you!

Derek: (reads the cookie) Can't wait for our date. XO XO Kendra'?

Casey: Hm. Sounds like Kendra thinks Saturday is a real date not a pretend date.

Derek: See, I told you! Guys and girls can't be friends. The cookie proves it! - Edwin: Guys and girls are never just friends.

Marti: They aren't?

Nora: Of course they are and who told you such nonsense?

Derek: Hey, somebody's got to teach the boy right from wrong.

-

How I Met Your Stepbro [4.11]
George: We were late to dinner on purpose so you guys can get to know each other and get use to the idea of living together.

Nora: But it looks like we worried for nothing

Derek: No No you were worried for something cause' we can't stand each other OK we are like cats and dogs, day and night, toothpaste and orange juice a a a i'm running out of opposites help me out

(Everyone looks at Casey)

Casey: Derek I need to talk to you?

Cast

 * Michael Seater - Derek Venturi
 * Ashley Leggat - Casey MacDonald
 * Jordan Todosey - Lizzie MacDonald
 * Daniel Magder - Edwin Venturi
 * Joy Tanner - Nora MacDonald
 * John Ralston - George Venturi
 * Ariel Waller - Marti Venturi