List of The Simpsons crank calls

Homer's Odyssey

 * Moe: Moe's Tavern.
 * Bart: Is Mr. Freely there?
 * Moe: Who?
 * Bart: Freely, first initials IP.
 * Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Is IP Freely here? Hey everybody, IP Freely! [the customers laugh] Wait a minute. Listen to me, you lousy bum, when I get a hold of you, you're dead; I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half! [Bart laughs along with Lisa; he hangs up]
 * Homer: You'll get that punk someday, Moe.
 * Moe: I don't know, he's tough to catch, he keeps changing his name.

Moaning Lisa

 * Moe: Yeah, Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking.
 * Bart: Is Jacques there?
 * Moe: Who?
 * Bart: Jacques. Last name: Strap.
 * Moe: Uh, hold on. [to bar patrons] Uh, Jacques Strap? Hey, guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap. [bar patrons laugh] What? [to phone] Oh, wait a minute, Jacques Stra… It's you, isn't it, you cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood. [hangs up as Bart laughs in front of Lisa trying to cheer her up]
 * Bart: [to Lisa] Where's your sense of humor, man?

Some Enchanted Evening

 * Lisa: Aw, come on, Bart, not again.
 * Bart: Oh, where's your sense of humor?
 * Moe: [answering the phone] Moe's Tavern.
 * Bart: Hello, is Al there?
 * Moe: Al?
 * Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name: Coholic.
 * Moe: Let me check. [calls] Phone call for Al, Al Coholic. Is there an Al Coholic here?! [bar patrons laugh] Wait a minute. [to phone] Listen, you little yellow-belly rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'll kill you! [hangs up]
 * [Both Bart and Lisa laugh]
 * Homer: [depressed] I hope you do find that punk someday, Moe.


 * Bart: A little pre-dinner entertainment.
 * Moe: [answering the phone] Moe's Tavern.
 * Bart: Is Oliver there?
 * Moe: Who?
 * Bart: Oliver Klozoff.
 * Moe: Hold on, I'll check. [calls] Oliver Clothesoff, call for Oliver Clothesoff!
 * Bart and Lisa: [laugh]


 * [Marge picks up the phone]
 * Moe: [on the phone] Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your belly open!
 * Marge: [hangs up] Goodness, must be a crossed wire.

One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish

 * Moe: Hello, Moe's Tavern, birthplace of the Rob Roy.
 * Bart: Is Seymour there? Last name Butz.
 * Moe: Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz! [the entire bar laughs; realizes] Wait a minute. Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket, when I get my hands on you, I'm gonna pull out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!
 * [Bart and Lisa laugh as Moe hangs up on the other line]

"Principal Charming"

 * Bart: Hello, is Homer there?
 * Moe: Homer who?
 * Bart: Homer Sexual.
 * Moe: Wait one second, let me check. [calls] Uh, Homer Sexual? Oh, come on, come on, one of you guys has got to be Homer Sexual!
 * [The bar denizens laugh]
 * Homer: Don't look at me! [continues laughing with the other denizens]
 * Moe: Oh no. You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, [cut to Skinner who's holding the same phone] I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
 * Skinner: [insulted] You'll do what, young man?
 * Moe: [taken aback] What, what, wait, who is this?
 * Skinner: I think the real question is who is this, AND WHERE IS HOMER SIMPSON?!?!
 * Moe: [realizes his mistake] Whoa whoa, sorry, Principal Skinner, sorry, it's a bad connection, I think. [to Homer] It's for you. I think Bart's in trouble again.
 * Homer: Doh! What's he done now?

"Blood Feud"

 * Moe: Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink.
 * Bart: Uh, yeah, hello. Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch.
 * Moe: Hold on, I'll check. [calls] Mike Rotch? Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?! [snickers from the patrons; to phone] Listen to me, you little puke, one of these days I'm gonna catch you, and I'm gonna carve my name on your back with an ice pick! [hangs up]
 * [Bart and Lisa laugh]

"Treehouse of Horror II"

 * Moe: [answers the phone] Moe's Tavern. Hold on, I'll check. Uh, hey, everybody, I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt, and my butt smells, and I like to kiss my own butt.
 * [The bar patrons roars with laughter]
 * Barney: That’s a new one!
 * Moe: [realizes] Wait a minute.
 * [Bart laughs and Mrs. Krabappel nervously laughs along with him]

"Flaming Moe's"

 * Moe: [answers the phone] Flaming Moe's.
 * Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass. First name Hugh.
 * Moe: Uh, hold on, I'll check. [calls out] Uh, Hugh Jass? Yo, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!
 * Man: I'm Hugh Jass.
 * Moe: Telephone. [hands Hugh the receiver]
 * Hugh: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
 * Bart: [shocked] Uh, hi.
 * Hugh: Who's this?
 * Bart: Bart Simpson.
 * Hugh: What can I do for you, Bart?
 * Bart: Uh, Look, I'll level with you, Mister. This is a crank call that sort of backfired, and I'd like to bail out right now.
 * Hugh: All right. Better luck next time. [hangs up and breathes a sigh] What a nice young man.

"Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"

 * Moe: Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking.
 * Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a Mrs. O'Problem. First name, Bea.
 * Moe: Uh, yeah, just a minute, I'll check. [calls] Uh, Bea O'Problem? Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?!
 * Barney: You sure do! [laughs with the bar denizens]
 * Moe: [to phone] Oh, it's you, isn't it?! [Bart laughs] Listen you, when I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!
 * [Bart continues laughing, and hangs up the phone]
 * Marge: Bart, I want you to go down to Moe's Tavern. I need you to bring your father home.
 * [Bart gulps hard anticipating what could happen when he gets there]

"New Kid on the Block"

 * Moe: [answers the phone] Yeah, just a sec; I'll check. [calls] Uh, Amanda Hugginkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Hugginkiss! Why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss?!
 * [The bar denizens laugh]
 * Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!
 * Moe: [to phone] You little SOB! If I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!
 * Bart: My name is Jimbo Jones and I live at 1094 Evergreen Terrace.
 * Moe: AHA! Big mistake, pal! [hangs up] I knew he'd slip up sooner or later. [pulls out a kitchen knife from the drawers] Ah yes, rusty and dull.


 * Laura: [on the phone] Hello, I'd like to speak to Ms. Tinkle? First name... [Bart whispers something in her ear] Ivana?
 * Moe: [on the phone] Ivana Tinkle, just a sec. [calls] Ivana Tinkle! Ivana Tinkle! Hey, everybody, put down your glasses. Ivana Tinkle!
 * [Everyone laughs, including Homer and the Captain who clinked their mugs of beer. Bart and Laura laugh along as the episode ends]

"Cape Feare"

 * Lisa: [dials the phone number to Moe's Tavern] Hello, Moe? I know you're the one behind this, so knock it off or we're going to the cops!
 * Moe: [terrified] No, no, I'll take care of it. [hangs up, ran up to the muggers] Okay, it's over! Get 'em outta there! [shoos the muggers away, chops the crates open with an axe and set the pandas free in the street] Andele! Andele!

"The PTA Disbands"

 * [Moe is teaching Bart's class during the teachers' strike]
 * Moe: Okay, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say "present". Ahem, Anita Bath? [the kids laugh at him] All right, settle down. Anita Bath here? [the laughing continues] All right, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks. [even more laughter] Hey, what are you laughing at?! What?! Oh, oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that! [runs out crying]
 * [Bart then crosses Moe's name off a list of substitute teachers]

"Homer the Smithers"

 * [After Homer punched Mr. Burns in rage]
 * Mr. Burns: Must...call...Smithers. He'll protect me from this beast. I've seen people activate this machine a thousand times. [picks up his phone from a drawer] Doesn't seem to be any trick to it. Let's see. Smithers. [dials the numbers] S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. Success! It's ringing!
 * [At Moe's Tavern, the phone rings]
 * Moe: [picks up the phone] Moe's Tavern.
 * Mr. Burns: I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers. First name Waylon.
 * Moe: [believes this to be another prank call] Oh...So you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Waylon, is it?! Listen to me, you! When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes, and shove 'em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap outta you, okay?! Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat! [slams the phone]
 * [Burns nervously puts his phone in a drawer]

"Bart on the Road"

 * Homer: Hello. I'd like to speak to a Mr. Snotball. First name, Ura.
 * Moe: Ura Snotball?
 * Homer: [thinking he's insulted] What?! How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran! [slams the phone]

"Homer the Moe"

 * Homer: [answering the phone] Yello?
 * [Split screen, with the other half showing Bart on the couch at home]
 * Bart: Uh, yeah, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Tabooger. First name, Ollie.
 * Homer: Ooh, Bart! My first prank call! What do I do?
 * Bart: Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger.
 * Homer: I don't get it.
 * Bart: Yell out, "Ollie Tabooger."
 * Homer: What's the gag?
 * Bart: Oh, forget it. [hangs up]

"Helter Shelter"

 * [This prank is over a telegraph because the Simpsons are forced to live like it is 1895. Moe has a telegraph in his tavern]
 * Moe: Telegram for Heywood U. Kuddulmee! Heywood U. Kuddulmee? Big guy in the back, "Heywood U. Kuddulmee?" [the big guy stares at him angrily. Lenny and Carl laugh] Oh, do, that little, ooh... [to telegraph] I'm gonna drive a golden spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific, stop!
 * [Bart laughs]

"The Way We Weren't"

 * Young Marge: Hello, I'd like to speak to Elvis Jagger Abdul-Jabbar.
 * Young Moe: Hey, don't you try and prank me with a fake name. I will rip out your intestines and use them to make a lanyard! [Young Marge hangs up] Hello? Hello? [groans and hangs up phone] And that's the origin of that.

"24 Minutes"

 * [Jack Bauer is in the middle of a fight and is talking to Bart, thinking that he is Chloe O'Brian]
 * Jack: Chloe, I need those schematics now.
 * Bart: What? Who is this?
 * Jack: I'm Jack Bauer. Who the hell are you?
 * Bart: Me? I'm...Ahmed Adoudi.
 * Jack: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed Adoudi. Does anyone there know Ahmed Adoudi?
 * Chloe: Ahmed Adoudi, wealthy Saudi financier, disappeared to Afghanistan in the late '90s.
 * Jack: Really?
 * Chloe: No, Jack, it's a joke name. You're being set up.
 * Jack: Damn it! [shoots another bad guy offscreen]
 * [Bart laughs over phone]

"Lost Verizon"

 * Bart: Milhouse, I hold in this hand Denis Leary's cell phone and in this hand, the phone numbers of bars around the world. Let's start with Hawaii. [dials the number]
 * [The scene switches from Springfield to Hawaii where the bartender picks up the phone as it rings]
 * Hawaiian Bartender: Aloha.
 * [Cut to Bart's room]
 * Bart: Aloha to you, I'm looking for Maya, last name Normusbutt.
 * [Cut to Hawaii]
 * Hawaiian Bartender: Hang on, I'll check. Uh, has anyone here seen Maya Normusbutt?
 * [The bar denizens laugh and the bartender is shaking the telephone in anger. The scene switches from Hawaii as Bart calls a bar in Australia. The bar's name is Crocodile Drunkees]
 * Australian Bartender: I got a Drew P. Wiener here. Anyone expecting a Drew P. Wiener? I hold in my hand a Drew P. Wiener!
 * Bar denizen: Better put it down then, mate! [laughs with the other patrons]
 * [The scene switches from Australia as Bart calls a bar in Sweden. The bar's name, Inga Bar Beermans]
 * Swedish Bartender: [in monotone] Ja? I shall enquire. Is there a Mr. Maifrend-Sergei, first name Olaf? Attention, everyone, Olaf Maifrend-Sergei! [the bar denizens laugh softly and lowly] Wait a minute. If I ever get a hold of you, I will thank you for showing me the futality of human endeavor.
 * [Bart and Milhouse laugh]
 * Bart: [sighs] The sun never sets on the Bartish Empire.

"Donnie Fatso"

 * Tony: [voiceover] When I call for my Russian business partner, Yuri Nator, I don't expect to be screamed at like I was some 10-year-old punk making a prank call!
 * Moe: Yuri Nator? Yuri Nator? Hey, my mouth is begging for a Yuri Nator!
 * [The bar denizens laugh]
 * Barney: Be careful what you wish for!
 * Moe: [to phone] Why you...I'm gonna chop you into little pieces and make you into a Rubik's Cube, which I will never solve! [slams the phone]

"Love Is a Many Strangled Thing"

 * [Homer is seen hanging himself in an attempt for Bart to save him. He pulls the noose and jumps off a tree, but ends up choking himself]
 * Dr. Zander: [to Bart] Well? Anything?!
 * Bart: [looking at his phone] Can't look. Texting.
 * [Cut to Moe's Tavern. Moe's cell phone chimes, so he picks it up]
 * Moe: Ooh, a text! [looks at phone] Let's see. Text message for I. M. A. Weiner. [to Barney, Lenny, and Carl] As you can all see, I. M. A. Weiner.
 * [Barney, Lenny, and Carl laugh]
 * Barney: I see it, Moe!
 * Moe: Why, you! When I... [texts what he says] When...I...get a hold...of...you, I... [stops texting] Oh, damn it, I typed an F and not a D. Uh...delete, delete, delete, delete. Oh, crap, I just donated $20.00 to Haiti!
 * [Cut to Bart who laughs as he texts eight smiley face emojis and an ellipsis]

"The Dark Knight Court"

 * [Moe is on the witness stand of Bart's school trial over one of his prank calls]
 * Skinner: Mr. Szyslak, what name did the defendant ask for when he called you at your bar?
 * Moe: He asked for, um...Mike Rotch.
 * Skinner: And then what did you say?
 * Moe: Well, I said, um...I said "Mike Rotch, Mike Rotch." And then I... [starts crying] I'm sorry.
 * Skinner: Take all the time you need.
 * Moe: I uh...I uh...I yelled out, "Has anybody seen Mike Rotch?" [everyone gasps]  You see, they...they thought I was asking if anybody wanted to see Mi...oh man, this is so painful...MY CROTCH! [continues crying]
 * [Everyone gasps and look at Bart angrily]
 * Skinner: Thank you for your bravery today.
 * Moe: I just had to make sure that he never did this to another bartender.


 * [Inside the tavern at night, the phone rings, and Moe nervously picks it up]
 * Moe: [gasps] Acquitted?! Then my nightmare isn't over! [hangs up, but the phone continues ringing. He grunts, then cries in despair]

"Whiskey Business"

 * [Moe tries to hang himself until his cell phone rings and he answers it]
 * Moe: [smiles] Hello?
 * Bart: Hi, I'm looking for a Mr. Ron. First name: Moe.
 * Moe: Moe Ron? Ugh, moron. It's you, you little puke, I'm gonna tie a rope around your neck, and hang... [starts hanging] I'll show you who's a...moron! [continues hanging]
 * [Cut to the bar]
 * Lenny: [to Homer, Barney, and Carl] And that's why libraries have newspaper rods.
 * [They heard a thud and gasped. They went to the storage room, and were shocked to see the passed-out Moe, who failed to hang himself]

"The Serfsons"

 * [Springfield is now living in a magical medieval world. At Moe's Tavern, a crow flies by with a message on its leg from Bart. When the crow lands on a table, Moe picks the message up]
 * Moe: Now let's see here. [reading message] "An urgent message for Milady Gwendolyn Potts." [to Homer, Lenny, Carl, and Barney] Uh, Milady Potts? Hey, has anyone seen Milady Potts? [cut to the rest of the bar patrons] Ah, come on, somebody grab Milady Potts.
 * Barney: That depends - how big is your dowry?
 * [The bar patrons laugh]
 * Moe: [writing a note while talking as the crow watches him] You little craven, if I ever get my hands on you, I'm gonna slice you open and drain all of your humors: blood, black bile, yellow bile...
 * [Cut to Bart and Milhouse. The same crow who had given Bart's message to Moe has given Moe's message to Bart. Bart has almost finished reading Moe's message]
 * Bart: "...and phlegm." [laughs with Milhouse]

"Gone Boy"

 * [When Bart is stranded underground, he finds a telephone, with which he uses to call Moe]
 * Bart: I'm looking for a Ms. Culls. First name Tess, middle initial T.
 * ''[Cut to Moe at his bar]
 * Moe: Uh, just a sec. I'll check. Uh, Tess T. Culls. Tess T. Culls! Aw, come on, I know you're hanging around here somewhere. [Barney, Carl, and Sam laugh] Why you little...When I catch you, I'm gonna stick a beer tap in ya and pull till the foam comes out your ears!
 * [Cut to Bart, who is still underground]
 * Bart: [laughs, but then the phone wire catches on fire, he stamps on the wire] Oh! [stamps again] Oh! [the phone wire is put out but is now gone. He groans in despair]

"My Way or the Highway to Hell"

 * [Cut to France in the World War II time period with Marge's atheist grandmother Genevieve. Genevieve's husband Meaux (Moe) hears the phone and answers it]
 * Meaux: Cafe Meaux. Meaux speaking.
 * Bart: [in French accent] I'd like to speak to Monsieur Pants, first name Pierre.
 * Meaux: Un moment. Pierre Pants?! Pierre Pants?! Oh, come on, anyone in this joint Pierre Pants?
 * [French and Germans laugh]
 * Wolfcastle: [German] Heil humor! [Barney laughs] Laughing is for Germans only! [shoots a gun at Barney's leg]
 * Barney: Ow!

"From Russia Without Love"

 * ''[At Moe's Tavern]
 * Moe: No women, no buddies... [telephone rings] Ah, thank God, a friend! [answers phone] Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking.
 * [Cut to Bart, who is in his bedroom with Nelson and Milhouse]
 * Bart: Uh, hello. I'm looking for a Mr. Buttface, [Milhouse laughs] first name Ima.
 * Moe: "Ima"? Nobody's been named that in, like, a hundred years, and as for the rest, why don't you double-check that name, huh? Try saying it out loud.
 * Bart: Ima Buttface?
 * [Milhouse laughs]
 * Nelson: Haw-haw!
 * Moe: Yeah, well, mistakes are how we learn there, young fella. Good luck in your, uh, your journey into adulthood. [puts phone down]

"Top Goon"

 * [Bart texts Moe]
 * Moe: Estee Dionne Malip? Does anyone know what this Estee Dionne Malip is about? Hey! I'm dealing with a Estee Dionne Malip! Anybody? I don't know who the hell I got this from! Oh, I'm just going to send it to my junk.

"The Simpson Guy" (Family Guy crossover)

 * Moe: Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking.
 * Bart: Uh, yeah, I'm looking for a friend, last name ky Bum, first name Lea.
 * Moe: Eh, hang on, I'll check. Uh, hey, guys, do I get a Leaky Bum? C'mon, look at the stools. Uh, is there a Leaky Bum? Er, somebody check the rear, I know I got a Leaky Bum.
 * Barney: Then you probably shouldn't be handling food!
 * [The bar denizens laugh. Bart hangs up, also laughing]
 * Stewie: Oh, my God, that's amazing! That's the coolest thing ever! Hey, I want a try.
 * Bart: Okay. [dials the tavern again and gives the phone to Stewie]
 * Moe: Moe's Tavern.
 * Stewie: Hello, Moe? Your sister's being raped! [hangs up, to a confused Bart] Is that...Is that one?

The Simpsons Movie

 * Russ Cargill: [holding a shotgun at Homer] Hello, Homer.
 * Homer: So, we meet at last, whoever you are.
 * Russ Cargill: There's a couple things they don’t teach you at the U.S. Government. One is how to cope with defeat, the other is how to handle a shotgun. I'm going to do both right now.
 * Bart: Wait! If you kill my dad, you'll never know where the treasure is buried.
 * Russ Cargill: What treasure?
 * Bart: Um, the treasure of Ima Wiener.
 * Russ Cargill: I'm a wiener?
 * [Homer and Bart laugh]
 * Homer: Classic.
 * Russ Cargill: [shrugs] Well, always leave them laughing. Goodbye, sir. [about to shoot them, but was knocked out by a rock, and it was Maggie on top of the cliff]
 * Homer: [relieved] Maggie! What a greatest accident you turned out to be!
 * [Maggie points her finger with a wink, and walks off]