Little Britain

Little Britain is a BBC radio and television sketch show written by and starring David Walliams and Matt Lucas. The show features parodies and exaggerated stereotypes to comedic effect, with repeated catch-phrases. There were 4 series, as well as a spin off, Little Britain USA and several specials.

Pilot [0.01]

 * Marjorie Dawes: So what advice can we give to Fatty Halliday about losing some of his excess weight? Paul?
 * Paul: Eat sensibly.
 * Marjorie: Oh that's rich coming from you. Anyone else?
 * Pat: Don't eat too much chocolate.
 * Marjorie: What do you mean, don't eat too much chocolate? All the other kids hate him. Chocolate's the only friend he's got. Meera?
 * Meera: Exercise.
 * Marjorie: No I can't... what?
 * Meera: Exercise.
 * Marjorie: What? Do it again...
 * Meera: Exercise.
 * Marjorie: No I can't understand... do it again.
 * Meera: Exercise.
 * Marjorie: One more?
 * Meera: Exercise.
 * Marjorie: No, I'll tell you what you should be doing, Chris, and that's getting some exercise. [to Meera] Oh, that reminds me, a lot of hidden calories in curry. You can exercise anything really, football, jogging... football. I do ten minutes of six step aerobics every month, and that's why I'm so thin.
 * Chris: You're not thin, you're fat.
 * Marjorie: I'm sorry?!
 * Meera, Pat, Paul: Not thin, you're fat.
 * Marjorie: You heard what he said! There'll be no name calling in this class! Do you hear me?! [upsettingly gets up from her seat] Oh, that hurt! That really did hurt! [stands for a bit] I know you're new, Christopher. But that's not how we do things here at Fat Fighters, all right? Right, we'll move on. We'll put it behind us. Our presentation topic today "Legal & Illegal Foods." Chrissy, do you want to give me a hand with the board? [quietly to Chris] You ever do anything like that again. I'm gonna kill your mum.

Episode One [1.01]

 * Marjorie Dawes: Meera?
 * Meera: Fish and chips.
 * Marjorie: Sorry, do it again...
 * Meera: Fish and fugn chips.
 * Marjorie: She doesn't make sense... do it again.
 * Meera: Fish and chips.
 * Marjorie Dawes: Do it again.
 * Meera: Oh my got, forget it.
 * Marjorie Dawes: Well it must be some sort of dish that we don't get over here.
 * [Marjorie writes down 'CURRY' on the whiteboard]

Episode Three [1.03]

 * Marjorie Dawes: Lettuce, Lettuce, High in fat, Low in fat, lettuce, Meera!
 * Meera: Low in fat.
 * Marjorie Dawes: No I can't do it again!
 * Meera: Low in fat.
 * Marjorie Dawes: No I can't do it again!
 * Meera: Low in fat.
 * Marjorie Dawes: No I can't do it again.
 * Paul: She said Low in fat!
 * Marjorie Dawes: Alright! Don't patronize her! *patronizes Meera* Low in fat, well done!




 * Marjorie Dawes: So what advice can we give to Barbara, to turn her tragic life around? Paul.
 * Paul:[sighs] Cut out biscuits.
 * Marjorie Dawes: Cut out biscuits. Good. Anyone else? Mary?
 * Meera: Instead of sugar, use artificial sweetener in tea.
 * Marjorie Dawes: Something about sugar. But really I think the most useful advice we can all give you is to look at the person inside. Because you're obviously an incredibly unhappy person.
 * Barbara: No, I'm not!
 * Marjorie Dawes: Well you deserve to be! I know Mum doesn't speak to you anymore, but that's not for here. But as far as she's concerned if you got knocked down by a bus tomorrow the world would be a better place!
 * Barbara: Mum does speak to me! I spoke to her yesterday!

Episode Four [1.04]

 * Dad: Hi, you - open for afternoon tea?
 * Ray McCooney: Ooh. Maybe I am and maybe I'm not
 * [He plays the flute.]
 * Dad: Oh, OK.
 * [He starts to walk out.]
 * Ray McCooney: N-no, I am. Please. Sit down. Sit down.
 * [He shows them to a table]
 * Mum: Oh, what an adorable little place.
 * Kimberley: It smells funny in here.
 * Mum: [whispers] Kimberley!
 * Ray: I shall be back in a moment with the cake trolley.
 * [He puts his hand out and grabs the cake trolley.]
 * Ray: Here I am with the cake trolley.
 * Mum: Ooh, those look great, don't they, Kimberley?
 * Kimberley: I want the chocolate cake.
 * Mum: No, honey. [to Ray] Kimberly has a nut allergy. Do you know if there are any nuts in it?
 * Ray: Yeeeeees.
 * Mum: What do you mean? Yes, there are nuts or yes you know?
 * Ray: Yeeeeees.
 * Dad: Well which?
 * Ray: If I tell ye the truth, I'll tell ye a lie, but if you call me false then I'll also tell ye a lie.
 * [He plays the flute]
 * Dad: OK, so does the cake contain nuts?
 * Ray: [picks up a piece of cake and puts it to his ear] Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts? [He listens] The carrot cake contains... no nuts. [picks up another piece of cake to his ear] Lemon drizzle cake, lemon drizzle cake, have ye any nuts? [He listens] The lemon drizzle cake contains... no nuts. [He plays the flute] No nuts. [picks up chocolate cake to his ear] Chocolate cake, chocolate cake, have ye any nuts? [He listens] [to Mike] He wants to speak to you.
 * Dad: [takes the cake, baffled, puts it to his ear and listens] Mike Kapalski?

Episode Five [1.05]

 * Robot career counsellor: What do you have in mind?
 * Boy: Well, really ever since I was small I've always wanted to go into catering.
 * Robot: In the future there will no jobs for humans in the catering industry. Only robots.
 * Boy: Oh, does that include catering in hotels?
 * Robot: Er, yes.
 * Boy: Well the other thing I was thinking of was engineering. You see...
 * Robot: There will be no jobs for humans. We will inherit the earth.
 * Boy: Oh dear.
 * [It prints out a brochure.]
 * Robot career counsellor: This booklet will explain everything. Go now.
 * Boy: Thank you, sir.
 * Robot: Tuck your shirt in. I am a robot.
 * Boy: Yeah.

Episode Six [1.06]

 * Vicky: Yeah but no but yeah but no but yeah but no because I've never had sex apart from that one time eight months ago but apart from that I'm a complete virgin.




 * [Andy has chosen a card that says 'With Deepest Sympathy'.]
 * Lou: Are you sure this is the card you want to send your brother Declan for his birthday?
 * Andy: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
 * [After they have bought the card.]
 * Andy: It's his birthday. He's not dead.

Episode Seven [1.07]

 * Social Worker: Vicky, where is the baby?
 * Vicky: Swapped it for a Westlife CD.
 * Social Worker: How could you do such a thing?
 * Vicky Pollard: I know, they're rubbish.

Episode Eight [1.08]

 * Daffyd has just discovered that Myfanwy is a lesbian, and is about to go on a date]
 * Daffyd: Rhiannon, Rhiannon? And how far have you gone with this 'Rhiannon'?
 * Myfanwy: Just a bit of fanny fun.
 * Daffyd: Can I have a large brandy please, Miss Fitzwilliams?
 * Myfanwy: Look, Daffyd, I got to go. Only Rhiannon's minge is going to get cold.




 * [Vicky has walked out of the class and left the pram with her baby in behind.]
 * Mr Collier: Your baby?
 * Vicky: Huh? Oh it's all right, you can keep it. I've got loads more at home anyway.




 * Ray McCooney is being faced by two taxmen, who are having trouble getting him to pay his debts]
 * Taxman: Tell you what, Mr. McCooney. Why don't you pick up your quill?
 * Ray: [picks up a pen] Ye-e-s.
 * Taxman: And your magic money paper.
 * Ray: [picks up cheque book] Oh Ye-e-s.
 * Taxman: [winking at taxwoman] Put your mark upon it. [Ray McCooney signs the cheque] And we'll do the rest.
 * Ray: [handing them the blank cheque] Yes, yes, yes, yes!
 * Taxman: Good day.
 * [The taxmen leave.]
 * Ray: A-fare-thee-well keepers of the purse! [Starts to play his picalillo but suddenly realises what he has just done] Shit!

Episode Six

 * [Marjorie weighs Pat on the scales]
 * Marjorie Dawes: Oh, you've gone up two pounds. [sarcastically] Oh, dear. It's not easy, is it? Do you wanna somehow drag yourself back to your seat?
 * [Pat, miserably, walks back to her seat]
 * Marjorie: You see, your problem is, Pat, you're a classic yo-yo dieter. You go up and down. [goes to her list of "Good foods" and "Bad foods" on the whiteboard] See, you got your good foods over here. You got your lettuce. Your Ryvita. Your dust. And over here, you got your bad foods. Your chocolate. Your crisps. Your cake. [puts on an over the top Jamaican accent] Oh man, she fat because she love the cake! And here's you, stuck in the middle, yo-yoing between the two.
 * [Marjorie draws Pat as a pig on the whiteboard]
 * Pat: Marjorie, you've drawn me as a pig.
 * Marjorie: Oh, sorry. [draws some hair on the pig]
 * Pat: Do you know what? I don't need this anymore. I'm not losing weight. Everytime I come, your horrible to me. [gets up from her seat] I've had enough.
 * Marjorie: What? Don't go.
 * Pat: Well, apologize. Say sorry than.
 * Marjorie: Say what?
 * Meera: Say sorry.
 * Marjorie: [to Meera] What?
 * Meera: Say sorry.
 * Marjorie: No I can't...Do it again!
 * Meera: Say sorry.
 * Marjorie: Do it again!
 * Meera: Say sorry.
 * Marjorie: Do it again!
 * Meera: Say sorry.
 * Marjorie: Do it again!
 * Paul: Just say sorry to her!
 * Marjorie: [to Meera] Oh, you want me to say sorry. Well, why didn't you say that?
 * Meera: I did.
 * Marjorie: Do it again!
 * Meera: I did.
 * Marjorie: Do it again!
 * Meera: I did.
 * Marjorie: Do it again!
 * Meera: I did.
 * Marjorie: Do it again!
 * Pat: I'm waiting for an apology.
 * Marjorie: [to Meera] I'll come back to you, my love.
 * Pat: I don't see why you can't just say sorry.
 * Paul: Yeah, come on.
 * Marjorie: I can. I can say sorry.
 * Pat: Well, go on than.
 * Marjorie: I'm going to say it any minute now.
 * Paul: Well, say it.
 * Marjorie: I'm about to.
 * Pat: Go on.
 * Marjorie: [quietly] Si...
 * Pat: I didn't hear that.
 * Marjorie: Well, I said it so...
 * Paul: [gets up from his seat about to leave along with everyone else] Yeah, well, we didn't hear it either. Come on, let's go.
 * Marjorie: Oh no, I'm gonna say it! I'm gonna say it! I'm gonna say it! I'm gonna say it! [repeats it a few times. Marjorie walks over to Pat, takes her hands.]
 * Marjorie: Pat, I am very...sorry... [shouts] THAT YOU'RE SO FAT!! Oh no, it just came out.
 * [Pat, Paul and the rest of the Fat Fighters group, disgusted by Marjorie's behaviour, leave]
 * Meera: Don't worry, we are not coming back.
 * Marjorie: Do it again!
 * [Meera waves her hand in disgust and leaves. Marjorie stands in silence looking around the now empty room]
 * Marjorie: I need some neeew members.

Cast

 * David Walliams - Various
 * Matt Lucas - Various
 * Tom Baker - Narrator