Little Mosque on the Prairie



Little Mosque on the Prairie (2007 - 2012) is a Canadian sitcom centering around the Muslim community of a small Saskatchewan town.

Little Mosque

 * Baber: The enemy is in your kitchen.
 * Rayyan: And maybe while the enemy's in there he could do the dishes.


 * Amaar: [on phone] Mom, stop it with the guilt. No, don't put dad on! I've been planning this for months it's not like I dropped a bomb on 'im. Oh dad thinks it's suicide? So be it; this is Allah's plan for me.
 * Woman: Oh my …
 * Amaar: I'm not throwing my life away, I'm moving to the Prairies!


 * Mayor Popowicz: Sarah, you're supposed to spin the news, not be the news!


 * Mayor Popowicz: I can work with the truth.
 * Sarah and Popowicz: But only as a last resort.


 * Yasser: Yes, this is a good one: "Reverend, I would like to run a mosque out of your parish hall. Would you like to tell Jesus or should I?"


 * Amaar: How am I supposed to prepare for Ramadan when the whole town's in an uproar. What were you people thinking?
 * Fatima: This is that convert Sarah's fault. Tell me: aren't goats more traditional than cucumbers?
 * Amaar: You've lost me.


 * Amaar: Can't a Muslim book a one-way flight these days without someone having to call their supervisor?


 * Rayyan: I thought you'd drag us into the modern world. Or at least the 11th century.
 * Amaar: Yes, so did I. That's why I gave up being a lawyer
 * Rayyan: Oh. And there I thought you just sucked at that too.


 * Amaar: You can't just sue people for no reason. Well, all right, you can but I'm not doing that anymore!


 * Reverend Magee: It may have been God who said "Let there be light!" but it's me who pays the electric bill.

The Barrier

 * Baber: I got a deal from the old rink. From what I hear, nothing separates men and women like Hockey Night in Canada!


 * Rayyan: Three seconds of male enlightenment. That's a new record.


 * Fred Tupper: Would it kill you Muslim girls to show a bit more... uh.. cleavage? Now and then.
 * Fatima: Would it kill you if I hit you with a cleaver?


 * Baber: You look like a Protestant!
 * Layla: Don't you mean "prostitute"?
 * Baber: No. I mean "Protestant".


 * Rayyan: Okay. I have to get to the clinic. But once I'm gone, just imagine that after everything mom says, I am saying "That's right!".


 * Sarah: Fred Tupper standing up for oppressed women?
 * Mayor Popowicz: I think he's standing up for oppressed boobs.


 * Fatima: I don't want a bunch of men leering at me while I pray.
 * Baber: And I don't want you women distracted by my bottom.
 * Sarah: Trust me Baber, no one is looking at your bottom.


 * Baber: Western school system! Filling their head with... thinking!

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 * Reverend Magee: John 8:7: "He among you who has never sinned, cast the first stone" or in this case "he among you who has not got stoned, cast the first sin".
 * Amaar: So you didn't fire him.
 * Reverend Magee: Not until I ate a couple of his hash brownies at the choir picnic.

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 * Rayyan: [sitting on the barrier to keep Baber from setting it back up] You're not supposed to touch me.
 * Baber: Please, forgive me, sister Rayyan. I totally forgot myself.
 * Rayyan: Of course.
 * Baber: It'll never happen again
 * Rayyan: Good
 * Baber: Gimme that piece of wood so I can push her off!

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 * Amaar: The perfect Muslim solution... Nobody's happy.

The Open House

 * Mayor Popowicz: Ah! It's not gonna be one of those multi-culty snoozefests with lying speeches and bad skits, is it? No offense.
 * Amaar: I'll cancel the camel ride.
 * Mayor Popowicz: [perking up] Camel ride?

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 * Yasser: "Only use the best", that's my motto!
 * Client: I thought your motto was "we build cheap"?

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 * Fatima: People are afraid of things they don't understand.
 * Rayyan: That's true. That's why I'm afraid of Baber.

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 * Fatima: [about Islam in Africa] Yes. From an African perspective. You usually only hear the missionary position.

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 * Amaar: Baber, please don't talk about things you don't understand.
 * Rayyan: Then he'd never say anything.

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 * Baber: If I don't get to talk, I'm out! I knew this was a bad idea.
 * Fatima: I'm with Baber! We're... What's the word?
 * Baber: Boycotting!
 * Fatima: I was gonna say "pissed off", but... Yes! We're boycotting!

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 * Baber: It's "minbar", not "mini-bar".

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 * Rayyan: Muslims do date.
 * Sarah: [butts in] You call that dating? It's more like a job interview.
 * Rayyan: Mom, no. It's more like window shopping. See, you don't need to taste the cake to know that it's gonna be delicious.
 * Sarah: [interupts again] Of course you do! The cake could look good and still be crummy. Or it may be a fruitcake and you know how we all feel about fruitcake...
 * Rayyan: Mom! Step away from the metaphor.

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 * Fred Tupper: I hate to say "I told you so, people of Mercy!"... But I told you so, people of Mercy!

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 * Reverend Magee: Be a man...grovel!

Swimming Upstream

 * Fred: [leaving] Radio show is on in 15...
 * Fatima: Oh, thanks for reminding me. [turns off the radio]
 * Fred: Nice try Fatima, but you can't silence the voice of the people that easily.
 * Fatima: I disagree. Shut. Up. See?

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 * Rayyan: Looks like a nasty sprain.
 * Fatima: You don't have to dumb it down for me. I came for your medical opinion.
 * Rayyan: You vitiated your anterior cruciate ligament.
 * Fatima: Oh no... What does that mean?
 * Rayyan: Looks like a nasty sprain.

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 * Fatima: Who's going to cook for my customers? You?
 * Rayyan: Not unless you've got really good insurance

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 * Sarah: A small explosion at the mosque, what's the big deal? [pause] Okay when you say it out loud...

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 * Amaar: You did see the "Do not disturb" sign on the door?
 * Baber: Oh yes. I will make sure nobody disturbs you.

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 * Rayyan: But we're so close...
 * Mayor Popowicz: Close only counts at horseshoes. Do Muslim play horseshoes? I find these little cultural differences so interesting.
 * Rayyan: Can we focus please?

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 * Fatima: It's only Halloween. It's not like they're out drinking and dirty dancing!
 * Fatima's son: We're not?
 * Fatima: Watch your smart mouth or you go nowhere!
 * Baber: What if he leaves Islam to become a witch?
 * Fatima's son: You can do that?

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 * Baber: My daughter does not [want to go]! She's a good Muslim!
 * Layla: No I'm not! I swear!

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 * Kid: [to Baber] Sweet Osama costume. The beard looks totally real, dude.

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 * Sarah: Honey, I didn't sabotage the petition. I mean, I didn't mean to sabotage the petition... I mean... [to Yasser] Okay, did I sabotage the petition?
 * Rayyan: You know you did. You undermined me so that you could go on a trip. That's evil.
 * Sarah: Oh my God... That's exactly what I did... But it was sleazy, not evil!

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 * Sarah: I was selfish and horrible.
 * Rayyan: Yes, you were, but so was I.
 * Sarah: Ah!
 * Rayyan: Although much less so
 * Yasser: You two are exactly alike.
 * Rayyan and Sarah: [simultaneously] No we're not!

The Convert

 * Amaar: What was your favorite part [of the sermon]?
 * Yasser: The end.

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 * Baber: Isn't that wonderful? A convert!
 * Sarah: Hello! I'm right here! I'm a convert too!
 * Baber: Yes but he's serious!

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 * Rayyan: [to Sarah] I'll pick you a copy of Islam for Dummies on my way home.

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 * Baber: The boy is Fatima's; the female is mine.
 * Layla: The female?
 * Marlon: So, you two are... divorced?
 * Fatima: Oh no no. My husband passed on. Baber's wife passed on Baber.

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 * Baber: [Loudly] How Joyful! At this rate we'll convert every white people in town to Islam!
 * Amaar: Indoor voice, Baber.

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 * Sarah: I'm sorry Anne. I was just praying.
 * Mayor Popowicz: Wow. You and Yasser must have been extra naughty this weekend.
 * Sarah: No it's not that. Although there was this one thing were he was a TV repairman and I was dressed as a... I'm sorry. What were we talking about?

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 * Amaar: Any bit of advice on dampening religious enthusiasm?
 * Reverend Magee: Join the clergy.

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 * Fatima: It's from the kosher butcher.
 * Marlon: You should stop patronizing Jewish businesses.
 * Fatima: And you should stop patronizing me.

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 * Yasser: Amaar, do you have a minute? I need your help.
 * Amaar: I'm not holding down another nail for you. My thumb is still throbbing.
 * Yasser: There must be some rule in the Qur'an against praying too much.
 * Amaar: Let me get this straight: you're asking a spiritual leader to help someone stop praying?

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 * Amaar: I'm not the Pope, though I'd love a big hat like that.

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 * Baber: Yasser, I have got it! What if we move the Mosque and simply don't tell him?
 * Yasser: Put it on wheels, move it around town?

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 * Amaar: Religion would be so much easier without the followers.

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 * Reverend Magee: I've seen it before. Spiritual shopping. I blame the Beatles.

Mother in Law

 * Mother Hamoudi: Oh, thank you for asking... [deadpan] Don't ask.

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 * Johnny: We've [A gay couple] even written our vows in rhyming couplets. What do you think? "I promise to honour but not obey, except on leather fetish day."

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 * Joe: Whatever happened to the sanctity of marriage?
 * Reverend Magee: Sanctity? You've been divorced three times!

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 * Fatima: Another muffin?
 * Reverend Magee: I'd never forgive myself... but Jesus will. Bring it on.

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 * Mother Hamoudi: Samira would cook for you. Her couscous is heavenly, tastes like angel droppings.
 * Yasser: Mmmm... my favourite type of droppings.

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 * Rayyan: [ausculting Mother Hamoudi] You're fine! We could fox-trot to the beat of your heart! [pause] I have been watching way too much Dancing with the Stars lately.

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 * Baber: Don't make us give you your notice.
 * Amaar: Baber, you're forgetting: we're the tenants, he's the landlord.

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 * Yasser: I told her [he would not marry Samira]... And then she had a mild heart attack.
 * Sarah: Then tell her again and finish the job!

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 * Mayor Popowicz: How long are you going to sleep in my office?
 * Sarah: Until Yasser stand up to his mother.
 * Mayor Popowicz: Good thing I'm running for a third term.

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 * Joe: I heard you were planning a demonstration on Sunday.
 * Baber: Yes. Against the abomination.
 * Joe: Oh. I thought it was...
 * Baber: Yes, against gay marriage. I just... like to say "abomination"!

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 * Yasser: Are you sorry you doubted me?
 * Sarah: No, sometimes I'm sorry I married you.

Playing with Fire

 * Jeff: [a firefighter] You save lives too.
 * Rayyan: True. But you make house calls.

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 * Baber: As Allah is my witness, I have no imagination! None!

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 * Yasser: What kind of normal person has any interest in Islam?
 * Rayyan: You mean besides us Muslims, dad?

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 * Amaar: So you're saying... They were actually... Holding hands?
 * Baber: I wasn't saying it. I was yelling it!

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 * Baber: Layla must be protected from the influence of this... Pop tart!

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 * Rayyan: That's because there's nothing wrong with you!
 * Jeff: I know. I just wanted to see you again.
 * Rayyan: Okay, there is something wrong with you.

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 * Layla: My father is sending me to an islamic school to become an islamobot!

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 * Fatima: You're an impossible man!
 * Baber: I am entirely possible!

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 * Amaar: A man is not allowed to touch a Muslim woman unless he is her brother, her father or her husband.
 * Jeff: Not even if she needs mouth-to-mouth?
 * Amaar: You keep your mouth away from her.
 * Jeff: She'd be unconscious.
 * Amaar: You'd kiss an unconscious woman?!

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 * Jeff: I don't mean to be culturally insensitive here but... What the hell?

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 * Sarah: Don't ruin this for Rayyan.
 * Yasser: I'm her father. It's my job to ruin it for her.

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 * Jeff: I don't mind being used. I'm user-friendly.

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 * Amaar: I'm sorry I care so much.
 * Rayyan: That's not an apology.
 * Amaar: I'm sorry you lost your way.
 * Rayyan: You shoudn't be making bad excuses!
 * Amaar: I'm sorry, nothing I ever say seems to work!
 * Rayyan: Oh, well, that's obvious.
 * Amaar: I am sorry I'm here!
 * Rayyan: Oh, well, now we're getting somewhere. And I am sorry that you're here too.

The Archdeacon Cometh

 * Reverend Magee: Christianity hasn't lasted two thousand years by being charitable.

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 * Amaar: You can't pretend to be Christian.
 * Reverend Magee: Actually you can. Half my congregation does.

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 * Fred: I wouldn't waste a braincell trying to find out.
 * Fatima: Yes. I'd imagine you are in short supply.

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 * Sarah: I don't remember much about growing up Anglican but I must've been there.

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 * Sarah: Don't we have a New Testament hanging around somewhere around here?
 * Yasser: New Testament?
 * Sarah: Yeah or an Old Testament?
 * Yasser: If we had a new testament surely I would have thrown the old one.

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 * Fatima: It will help your back, and your colon.
 * Fred: What's wrong with my colon?
 * Fatima: You're full of crap.

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 * Yasser: My seat smells. Is that why they call it a "pew"?

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 * Reverend Magee: [Explaining how the Muslims can't pass off as Anglicans] And the way they all stood up, with such vigor! No, no, no, no, no! [He demonstrates] The older... congregants jump right up, as though we just opened up the buffet. And then, some of them lag behind because they're stone-deaf. And then there's always the ones who just draaaaag themselves up like teenagers who've been asked to do the dishes. Now, let's try it again, let's get this perfectly wrong...

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 * [Fred is covered in warts]
 * Fatima: What is wrong with you?
 * Fred: Well, I've managed to narrow it down to a couple of possibilities: African killer bees, or a killer African!

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 * Yasser: When is Easter?
 * Sarah: April.
 * Yasser: That's when Baby Jesus sees his own shadow, right?

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 * [Fatima just pulled Fred's back into place]
 * Fred: Fatima sweetheart? That lotion crap you gave me for my back was only to soften me up so you could fix me, right?
 * Fatima: No. I wanted to see you suffer a little bit longer.

Grave Concern

 * Rayyan: I don't just fix wrists; I can break them too, you know!

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 * Rayyan: Well, it's not about winning.
 * Sarah: So what's it about?
 * Rayyan: It's about the principle of the thing.
 * Sarah: No, really, what's it about? I have no clue what you're talking about.

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 * Fatima: A Muslim likes to be buried with other Muslims. On his right side.
 * Fred: What, is it better for your back?

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 * Baber: I want to be buried with other Muslims, on my side, facing Mecca, and I want it now!
 * Amaar: You sure you don't want to wait till you're dead? It's less claustrophobic.

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 * Sarah: [making community announcements] There's an Interfaith Council meeting... Ah, who cares about that?

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 * Fatima: what is that? Over there?
 * Baber: Mecca.
 * Fatima: No, you ignorant man. Between us and Mecca.
 * Baber: [reading the sign] Belt Buckle z?
 * Fatima: I do not want to spend eternity looking at a saloon.

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 * Baber: You idiot. You.... ruined my death.

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 * Yasser: [Trying to sell a cemetery plot] What do I need to do to put you in a grave today?

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 * Sarah: [making announcements again] And then when I was twelve we got a turtle...

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 * Baber: We do not want to spend eternity watching a bunch of cowboys drinking.
 * Patron: Yeah, well, maybe us cowboys don't want to drink while being watched by a bunch of dead Muslims.

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 * Amaar: You're ignoring the larger issue: this makes me look bad.

Public Access

 * Baber: Best outreach event ever, Amaar.
 * Amaar: We didn't get any visitors.
 * Baber: That's exactly my point!

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 * Layla: No one ever says they hate me like that.

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 * Baber: You can't talk by yourself for an entire hour and expect people to listen!
 * Amaar: That's no different than what I do here at the Mosque.
 * Baber: Ah, you said it, not me!

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 * Baber: How will anyone know that you're finally embracing your modesty unless we show you off, uh?

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 * Amaar: Nobody's spinning any schnauzer.

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 * Fatima: I think it's a lovely hijab, Layla. You look like a big, grown... [Baber leaves the room] What is going on here?

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 * Yasser: that is why I will build you a new one for nothing.
 * Amaar: "Nothing" nothing or "Yasser" nothing?

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 * Yasser: It's a work-in-progress.
 * Amaar: But you said "Consider it done".
 * Yasser: Which you're not doing.

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 * Baber: Today at school, she kept waiting for me to leave.
 * Fatima: I am always waiting for you to leave.
 * Baber: What is she hiding under there? Is it, huh, pierced ears? A hickey? A hickey piercing!

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 * Baber: It is my duty to do something stupid!

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 * Baber: Is there something that you've been keeping from your classmates?
 * Layla: Yes! You!

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 * Layla: A lot of girls in our class have bellybuttons.

Ban the Burka

 * [about a woman with a niqab]
 * Amaar: She's a Muslim who's come here to pray. Outside chance, she's a ninja.

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 * Yasser: What did you and your wife talk about?
 * Baber: uhh... Our divorce?
 * Yasser: Before that?
 * Baber: We... had this fight about my toenails... I-It's not important!

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 * Fred: You always think people are trying to hypnotize you. Remember last year at the talent contest?
 * Joe: Yeah, but that guy was a hypnotist!
 * Fred: Ventriloquist!
 * Joe: Yeah but the dummy... those eyes...

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 * Mayor Popowicz: What is he talking about? Is there a beheading issue? [...] Sara cares very much about her Muslim sisters. I've never seen you interacting with them, but I'm sure you care on some level.

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 * Fred: Well here's my idea: first thing we need is an angry mob...

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 * Sarah: Found it!
 * Fred: I knew there had to be a law against burkas!
 * Sarah: No, a law against marigolds.
 * Fred: Is that some kind of weird Muslim thing?
 * Sarah: No, the flower. I hate marigolds. In 1927 they banned them on Main Street.
 * Fred: [stares]
 * Sarah: I'll keep looking

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 * Yasser: I have to leave my daughter's in jail.
 * Baber: If you don't want to help me just say so!

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 * Joe: Even now she could be in control of my mind.
 * Fatima: Nobody is in control of your mind.

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 * Yasser: Ladies, please! Let's not turn this prison visit into something unpleasant.

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 * Baber: I don't know the first thing to say to her! Or the second, or the fourth!
 * Yasser: You missed out the third.
 * Baber: I know the third. "My name is Baber, sister. What is yours?"

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 * Joe: [in the holding cell] Boy this place looks bigger when you're sober.

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 * Reverend Magee: Earlier I may have ransacked your office but I'm very disappointed in you.

Rival Imam

 * Mayor: Is the mosque building a hydrogen bomb?
 * Sarah: No, of course not!
 * Mayor: I don't understand, what other kind of bomb uses that much water?
 * Sarah: They are not building a bomb. It's probably just the wudu.
 * Mayor: Oh, where you sacrifice a chicken and everybody dances around.
 * Sarah: No, that is voodoo. This is wudu, it's a washing ritual. Befor we pray, Muslims have to wash each body part three times.
 * Mayor: It's like your entire religion is based on obsessive compulsive disorder.
 * Sarah: Well, Christians have holy water.
 * Mayor: Yes, but we don't go spraying it around all over the place, unless there's a vampire camp.

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 * Baber: Finally a real Imam with a beard!
 * Amaar: Everybody reads from the same Qur'an.
 * Baber: Yes, but his is not the pocket book edition.

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 * Rayyan: We have got the whole system on a timer so that we're not wasting power in the middle of the night.
 * Ali: So what powers the timer?

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Spy Something or Get Out

 * Nancy: Some of my best friends are Muslims.
 * Fatima: Who?
 * Nancy: Er... Faruq... Abdul... Halal... I really don't have any Muslim friends.

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 * Nancy: I was hoping to get some pie.
 * Fatima: We all hope for a lot of things.

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 * Amaar: Seeing is believing.
 * Nancy: Yes, but believing is also believing and it's a lot faster.