Little Nicky

Little Nicky is a 2000 comedy film written by, produced by, and starring Adam Sandler. Nicky, the only good-hearted son of Satan, goes on a quest to save his father from his evil brothers, Adrian and Cassius. On the way, he learns the basic differences between Earth and Hell (after dying several times), discovers what love is, and acquires a certain fondness for Popeyes Chicken.

Nicky

 * I'm sleeping, or am I?
 * Release the evil!
 * But those are my roommate's sodas!
 * Release the good. Release the awesome!
 * I never been to Earth, Dad! I never even slept over some other dude's house!
 * Popeyes Chicken is fucking awesome!
 * [after being killed by a bus] From now on, I'm just going to try to avoid all moving metal objects.
 * Get in the flask!
 * The Prince of Darkness should have a sort of distinguished look to him, and let's face facts, I'm no George Clooney.
 * [to a crowd of people, in a high voice] I will eat your heart.
 * [deleted scene; about the flask] It was handcrafted in Hell by Satan himself, and its sole purpose is to get the Fireball of Hades burning once again.
 * [deleted scene; he grabs the microphone at the stadium] I get one more shot. The ref can cover me. If I miss it, the Globetrotters have to forfeit. But if I make it, this guy doesn't ref the second half and we all start conducting ourselves as decent human beings again. [the crowd is silent] And we get free pizza! [the crowd roars in joy]

Beefy

 * (Mocking) "But those are my roommates sodas!" Does that sound like a statement the Son of the Devil would make?
 * Kid's got a lot of evil in him just begging to come out!
 * [while peeing on Todd's "I Love Acting" door mat] You love acting, I love pissing.
 * [after firing an arrow at Adrian through his genitals] Now, that hurt the both of us.
 * Look, it's okay for me to shit in the street, but you've got to use a toilet.
 * The shit has hit the fan, kid! Take a look.
 * Easy, don't choke.

Grandpa Lucifer

 * Even in Hell, I get no respect.
 * You know, I was the one who created Hell.
 * What's with all those "hoo-hoo" noises?
 * "Everything's fine"? Who're you bullshitting?  The last time you said everything was fine, the Renaissance happened!

Blind deacon

 * Though I cannot see with these blind eyes, I know the good Lord still loves me! He loves all of his children—why he loves you, and he loves you…[smells Nicky's presence] You make the Lord…very nervous!  You…I'm burning now!  Hellfire is burning me alive!  The beast is alive!  He's among us!  Clear the streets!  The devil is here…!
 * [after sensing Nicky's presence again] Why do you taunt me with your darkness!?  You're evil!  It's stinking up our streets!  The end is near!  We are all going to die—[slams into a lightpost and falls]…We will meet again, Lucifer…
 * [after sensing Nicky's flying above the city] The hell beast is above us!  And I can smell the evil slut!
 * Holy shit, we really are going to die!["Then he accidentally walks into flames and catches fire"]

Whitey Duvall/The Referee

 * He's walking! Get him a bus!
 * Guess what, cornrows? Technical foul! You're out of here!
 * Who gives a shit?
 * Ten points off from the Globetrotters on account of the bigmouth!
 * Hit the half-time buzzer. I'm tired.
 * Get that crap out of here!

Townie

 * You can do it, Nicky! Kick him in his hairy balls!
 * You can do it, Ozzy! Bite his freaking head off!
 * Hey, Nicky. Cover Winkler in bees. You can do it!

Other

 * Peeper: I think Victoria just told me her Secret.
 * Priest/Adrian: In today's gospel, the Lord tells us how we should live if we wish to attain the splendor of Heaven…or something like that.  Jesus this, Moses that, Abraham hit me with a wiffle ball bat!  [hums a silly tune]
 * Basketball audience member: Now that was some straight-up David Copperfield shit!
 * Stanley: You can't go through there!  The fire flows in, not out!  [Cassius and Adrian go through fire gate]  You really suck!
 * Stanley: Now, you're going to see what a big, horny bird actually looks like. In Hell!
 * Demon: Popeyes Chicken is the shiznit!
 * Pete: My underwear is so far up my ass, I could taste it!
 * Satan: Now, that was an experience. 'You are only coming through in waves.' That line blows my mind every time. I don't care what mood you're in the start of that song. When it's finished, that mood had been altered.

Dialogue

 * Satan: But, after much thought and careful consideration, I've decided that the ruler for the next 10,000 years is going to have to be…me.
 * Cassius and Adrian: What?!
 * Nicky: Hallelujah!!  [they stare at Nicky]  I mean…that sucks!


 * [Peeper takes out a cell phone and dials; the son, Scottie, answers]
 * Scottie: Hello?
 * Peeper: Hello, Scottie.  Say, why don't you be a good little boy and go downstairs and let your mother get comfy, all right?
 * Scottie: Who is this?
 * Peeper: This is a big bird who wants to see the rest of Mommy.  Nah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
 * Mrs. Dunleavy: [gasps]  Oh my God, Scottie, is that a man up our tree?
 * Peeper: No, no!  Tell her it's just a bird!  It's just a big bird!  [flaps arms]  Bawk!  Bawk, bawk, bawk!  Bawwwwwk! Bawwwwwwwwwk!  [With an evil grin, Scottie fires a slingshot at him, striking said Peeper in the head]
 * [Deleted scene only; the weary Peeper lands on the ground]
 * Peeper: Mrs. Dunleavy. Help me! Please... wear a bikini!
 * Mrs. Dunleavy: Pervert. [to Scottie] Come on.
 * Peeper: Oh, how are you doing? [Mrs. Dunleavy and Scottie hold a television out the window and throw it to the Peeper] NOOOOOOOOO! [The TV lands, killing him]


 * Stanley: Aren't you that horny guy pretending to be a big bird, checking out that beautiful mom?
 * Peeper: Yes I am.
 * Stanley: Now, you're going to see what a big, horny bird actually looks like. [Eyes narrow, cruel smile] In Hell!
 * Peeper: [repeatedly as he is chased by a giant bird-man trying to violate him]  I deserve this!
 * [later on when said peeper meets Satan]
 * Peeper: [sarcastically]  Hello…Mr. Devil…I like your cape.  [Satan smiles, waves, then summons said giant bird-man who goes to rape said peeper]  I deserve this!


 * Satan: I'm sorry.  After careful consideration, I must respectfully decline.
 * Dan Marino: I can't stand retirement.  Come on, just let me win one Super Bowl.
 * Satan: In exchange for eternal damnation of your soul?  You're too nice of a guy for me to want to do that to you, Mr. Marino.
 * Dan Marino: You did it for Namath.
 * Satan: Yeah, but Joe was coming here anyways.
 * Dan Marino: This sucks!  I'll just go to the Super Bowl as an announcer, and I'll win myself an Emmy!
 * Satan: That's the spirit!
 * Nicky: You're a good devil, Dad!
 * Satan: And I also happen to be a Jets fan!
 * Nicky: Heh-heh.


 * [Extended version]
 * Grandpa Lucifer: What's with all those "hoo-hoo" noises?
 * Satan: Everything's fine, Pop!
 * Grandpa Lucifer: "Everything's fine"?  Who're you bullshitting?  The last time you said everything was fine, the Renaissance happened!
 * Satan: Please, Pop! Go back to your room.
 * Grandpa Lucifer: Hey, can I take him with me?  [points to Stanley] Heh, I want to have sex with his head.
 * Satan: Sure, Pop, whatever you want.  Tit-head, go with my father.
 * Stanley: This is gonna be a whole different lifestyle for me, isn't it?
 * Grandpa Lucifer: Oh, yeah? Maybe I'll just nibble here and there. Who knows, huh?
 * Stanley: Do what you got to do, Your Horniness.
 * Grandpa Lucifer: Okay. You know, Stanley-
 * Satan: Use a condom, Pop.


 * Jimmy: You were gone ten seconds.  What happened?
 * Nicky: I got hit by this big light that was attached to a lot of metal!
 * Satan: That's a train, son.  Don't stand in front of them.
 * Nicky: Well, I'll have to take a mulligan on this one!
 * Satan: Please, Nicky, get back up there.  [his ear falls off]
 * Nicky: All right.
 * Satan: Whoa!
 * Jimmy: I'll get that for you, sir.


 * Beefy: Welcome to Grand Central Station in New York City. My name is Beefy. I'm an old friend of your father's.  He asked me to help you out!
 * Nicky: I just want to find my brothers and be on my way.
 * Beefy: It's not going to be easy.  Your brothers can possess people, so they probably won't look like themselves.  You have to be suspicious of everyone.
 * Nicky: All right, "bro".  Well, the jig is up, then!  [pulls out flask]  Get in the flask.  Come on, slide right in.
 * Beefy: It ain't me, moron.
 * Nicky: Sorry, I…
 * Beefy: Now, there's this blind guy outside you might think is possessed, but he's just crazy.
 * Nicky: Okay.


 * [Beefy is teaching Nicky how to eat; Nicky takes one piece of Popeyes Chicken, looks at it]
 * Beefy: Put it in your mouth.  [Nicky puts it in his mouth]  Now, move your teeth up and down.  [Nicky chews it with his mouth open]  Up and down.  Good, numbnuts.  Now you've got to swallow it.  Tilt your head back, and let the meat slide down your throat hole.  [Nicky gags]  Easy, don't choke!
 * Nicky: [swallows]  Popeyes Chicken is fucking awesome!
 * Beefy: Mm-hmm!  Now, eat up, you're gonna need your energy.
 * Nicky: I got energy up the yin-yang!  Let's go save Dad!  [runs out into street with flask]  Adrian!  Cassius!  [gets hit by bus]
 * Beefy: Oh, boy.


 * [Deleted scene; Nicky just saw Mr. Beefy defecate in the street]
 * Nicky: Man, that was intense! And it happens every day?
 * Beefy: Look, it's okay for me to shit in the street, but you got to use a toilet.
 * Nicky: Yeah? Well, just point me in the right direction next time.
 * Beefy: Come on. There's like ten million people in this city and the clock is ticking.
 * Nicky: Well, let's rock and roll, then!


 * Popeyes employee: May I help you?
 * Nicky: Get in the flask!
 * Popeyes employee: What are you talking about, man?
 * Nicky: I'm talking about an eight piece.  Let's go.


 * Todd: Aren't you boiling hot in that outfit?
 * Nicky: No.
 * Todd: It's like eighty degrees in this hallway.  Where you from, the South?
 * Nicky: Yes.  The deep South.  Ha ha ha ha!
 * Todd: Why is that funny?
 * Nicky: I don't know.


 * [Deleted scene; Nicky attempts to get an NYPD officer into his flask]
 * Nicky: Adrian, is that you? Get in the flask!
 * Beating Cop: Beat it.
 * Nicky: Uh-huh. [Nicky leaves then returns] Cassius, come on. What's going on?
 * Beating Cop: I said, beat it!
 * Nicky: Alright. [Nicky leaves then returns again] That's it. Just so you... [Nicky gets repeatedly beaten by the cop] What the hell's your problem? [Nicky gets beaten up even more]
 * Beefy: This may take a while.


 * Todd: Oh, gross!  He just opened his mouth and swallowed that spit!
 * Beefy: Oh, that turn you on there, RuPaul?  Heh heh heh!


 * Bishop/Adrian: Yep, the Lord sure did say a lot of hibbity jibbity bibbity swibbity…but, has he ever really done anything for any of us?  Has he ever put a Jaguar XJR in my driveway?  No.
 * Man #1: I love that car.
 * Bishop/Adrian: Has the Lord given any of my enemies the herpes?
 * Man #2: [laughing]  The herpes?
 * Bishop/Adrian: No!
 * Woman: The Lord gave my son the strength to get off drugs!  [congregation cheers]
 * Bishop/Adrian: Ma'am, I know your son.  And believe me, he was better off on the drugs.  At least when he was smoking hashish, he used to make me laugh occasionally.  [congregation laughs]
 * Man #3: After we tried for many years, the Lord finally helped my wife conceive a baby.  [congregation cheers]
 * Bishop/Adrian: No, no, no.  Your best friend, Fitzy, helped your wife conceive a baby.  He helped her conceive it all night long!
 * Fitzy: Hey, hey, hey!  [congregation boos]
 * Bishop/Adrian: How about you, Mayor?  Has the Lord ever done anything for you?
 * Mayor/Cassius: Well, you know, I…I wished I could think of something, but to be honest with you, I can't!  I can't think of a damn thing he's ever done for me!  Kind of makes you wonder if there even is a Lord.  If there even is an ultimate punishment for our so-called "sins!"  Why don't we all just have fun and do whatever the hell we want?!  Hey, hey!
 * Bishop/Adrian: Let the sin begin!
 * Cassius: [thinking]  "Let the sin begin." That was a good one!
 * Adrian: [thinking]  This is so much fun!  I never want it to end!
 * Cassius: [thinking]  Why should it end?  Who's going to stop us?!  Ha ha ha ha!
 * Bishop/Adrian: Ah ha ha ha ha!


 * Nicky: Your glasses are pretty; they make your eyes look big and sparkly.  It's fun looking at them.
 * Valerie: Oh.  My dad's an optometrist.
 * Nicky: My dad's in Hell and he's falling apart.


 * Townie: You can do it, Nicky!  Kick him in his hairy balls!
 * Nicky: Good idea!


 * Todd: I know this is your living room time, but could I maybe finish watching the Globetrotters out here?  It's the craziest game I've ever seen!
 * [one basketball player goes to shoot the ball, but the ref/Cassius blows the whistle]
 * Ref/Cassius: He's walking! Get him a bus!
 * Todd: This is the part I don't get.
 * Announcer: Another terrible call. There's no way that was traveling!
 * Basketball Player: What's up with all the calls?  We haven't lost a game in fifty-three years!
 * Ref/Cassius: Guess what, Cornrows?  Technical foul!  You're out of here!  Ha ha ha ha ha!
 * Little Boy: Why is the referee being so mean to the Globetrotters, Daddy?
 * Boy's Father: Hey, I've been watching these guys play since I was your age.
 * Boy's Mother: It's all part of the show, baby!

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 * Nicky: [to basketball]  I command you not to blow up and go into that metal circle.  [throws basketball underhand; at the last second, the ref/Cassius jumps up, catches ball]
 * Ref/Cassius: Nyah!
 * Nicky: Hey!
 * Ref/Cassius: Get that crap out of here!
 * Nicky: I know you're having fun, Cassius, but you've really got to come back to Hell!
 * Cassius: Look around you, Nicky!  We're in Hell.  The new Hell!  Ha ha ha!
 * [Nicky looks over at audience, sees two pregnant women with Fitzy 'raising the roof', also sees three shirtless men with the "SIN" painted on their torsos]
 * Old Lady: [swinging a shirt over her head]  Do it!  Do it!  Do it!  Whee-eeee-eeeeeeeeee!
 * Cassius: Ha ha ha!
 * Nicky: I was sent here to take you back, and that's what I'm going to do!
 * Cassius: Don't make me take out the shovel again, Trick!
 * Pete: I think we're about to see a devil showdown!
 * Nicky: You know, Dad got sick when you guys left!
 * Cassius : I'm glad he's dying, because it's my turn now.
 * Nicky: [while spinning the basketball on his finger]  You're going to wish you never said that.  [Cassius and Nicky start playing basketball]
 * Beefy: Take him to the hole, Nicky!  [Todd looks at Beefy]  I mean, "Woof, woof!"
 * Cassius: Come on, brother, come on!  Oh, come on!  Ha ha ha ha!  [singsongy]  Daddy can't help you!  Daddy can't help you!
 * [Nicky jumps in the air, yelling, causing random objects to explode, then makes the basket, shattering the glass]
 * Boy's Father: This show gets better every year!
 * Boy's Mother: Ah ha ha ha ha!
 * Cassius: That was sick!  Who taught you that shit?
 * Nicky: Sorry, Cassius…it must be the Super Devil Juice Dad gave me!
 * Cassius: Super Devil Juice?!  Give me that, little girl!
 * Nicky: Don't drink out of it, please!  [Cassius drinks out of flask, gets sucked inside]
 * Boy's Mother: Now that was some straight-up David Copperfield shit!
 * Cassius: [from inside flask]  Damn you, Nicky!  There ain't no Super Devil Juice in here!
 * John: Hail, Nicky!
 * Pete: We are forever your slaves!

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 * [Beefy is having sex with another dog]
 * Beefy: Say "Mr. Beefy!"  Say it!  Say it!
 * Female dog: "Mr. Beefy."
 * Beefy: Aaaaand…I love you!

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 * Chief of Police: This videotape will show what he did after he left the game.
 * Nicky: [on the news videotape which is actually Scarface  ]  Say hello to my little friend!  My name is Nicky, and I'm gonna kill all you people for no reason!
 * Nicky: That's not me; that's the cockroach Tony Montana!
 * Chief of Police: It's difficult to watch, I know.
 * Nicky: This is Adrian's work!
 * Beefy: He superimposed your head onto Scarface!
 * Todd: Which is probably De Palma's third best film.

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 * Nicky: Good luck with the nipple rubbing.
 * Nipple Guy: I don't need luck.  I'm good!
 * Nicky: I-I can see that.
 * Nipple Guy: Ooh!

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 * Regis Philbin: So, I was driving to work today.  Some bozo in a Cadillac cuts me off.  So I followed him.  When he got out of his car, I run up behind this guy and I start bashing his brains in with this bat.  Did you ever see The Untouchables?  I was De Niro!
 * Audience member: What's happened to you, Regis?!

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 * Beefy: Your brothers are upsetting the balance between good and evil!
 * Nicky: Well, what can I do about it?
 * Beefy: You can't do jack shit unless you learn your evil powers.  Go get a soda out of the fridge.
 * Nicky: But those are my roommate's sodas!
 * Beefy: [mockingly] "But those are my roommate's sodas!"  Does that sound like a statement the son of the devil would make!?
 * Nicky: All right, take it easy!
 * Beefy: Nicky, you have the power to change the cola in that can into any other liquid: engine oil, bat's blood, moose piss.  You just have to release the evil within!
 * Nicky: Release the evil?
 * Beefy: I'm just saying, there's wickedness in you.  I can tell from your snores!
 * Nicky: Really?
 * Beefy: Release your evil!
 * Nicky: Release the evil.
 * Beefy: Come on, you can do it.  [Nicky lifts Coke can with his mind]  There it is.  You got it in you.
 * Todd: What are you doing?!
 * Nicky: Hey!
 * Beefy: Oh!  I—[leaps off couch, hops onto fire escape]
 * Todd: All right, I'm going to pretend I didn't see a dog on the couch, because my brain just can't process that right now. But were you about to drink one of my Cokes?!
 * Nicky: No. I was just looking at it.  It's beautiful.
 * Todd: [opens can, takes sip]  This Coke tastes like Pepsi.
 * Beefy: You changed a Coke into a Pepsi? That was your big transformation?!
 * Nicky: Come on man, give it up a little, I mean, it was pretty good for my first try.
 * Beefy: Do you even care that your brothers are killing your father?!
 * Nicky: Yes, I care!  And he is  not going to die!  [flames appear in Nicky's eyes, then a loud explosion is heard]
 * Beefy: Atta boy.
 * Todd: [walks out of a hallway filled with smoke]  I'm freaked out.  My television just blew up.
 * Nicky: You're damn right it did!  I mean, "Really?"

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 * Street vendor: [appears while Nicky is sleeping in Central Park]  My man's into deep nocturnal shit.  [steals Nicky's flask]  Whoo!  Mm-hmm, yeah!
 * John: Yo, man, I think that guy just stole his stuff!
 * Pete: Should we wake him up?
 * John: Yeah.  You do it.
 * Pete: Rise and shine, Devil Guy!  Some dude just stole your shit!
 * Nicky: What?!  Where?!  [exhales fire; John and Pete stare in amazement]  Which way did he go?
 * John: Uh, that way!
 * Nicky: Thanks!  Give me back my flask!
 * Pete: Did you check out the dragon mouth?!
 * John: The Dark Prince is here!  [they head-butt one another]
 * Street vendor: Check out my stuff, I got a low price!  Uh, I got a pepper shaker!  I got a silver doodad from Africa!
 * Nicky: [approaches the stand]  Hey.
 * Street vendor: See something you like, my man?
 * Nicky: Yes, I would like my flask back!
 * Street vendor: You're calling me a thief, my man?
 * Nicky: I'm calling you the guy who has my flask.
 * Street vendor: How would I have it unless I was, in fact, a thief?
 * Nicky: I don't know.
 * [Deleted scene; a customer arrives]
 * Customer: Ooh. How much for the silver flask there?
 * Street vendor: Ah, my man. Business, business, business. That's a special item selling. The cap alone is one hundred percent pure... plappium.
 * Nicky: "Plappium"?
 * Street vendor: It's valued at over three hundred dollars.
 * Customer: Really? What's it from?
 * Nicky: It was handcrafted in Hell by Satan himself, and its sole purpose is to get the Fireball of Hades burning once again.
 * Customer: I'm gonna keep looking.
 * [Theatrical version resumes]
 * Street vendor: Now, you've done it. You've messed with my business, bitch!
 * Nicky: I would appreciate it if you would keep your voice down!  [flames appear in Nicky's eyes]
 * Street vendor: Oh, you're going all crazy eyed on me? I'll show you some crazy eye!  [clicks tongue really fast with fists up]  Look at this, come on, let's get busy!
 * Valerie: Excuse me, sir?
 * Street vendor: Who?
 * Valerie: Does, um, that flask belong to this man?
 * Street vendor: Now you're going to call me a thief, too?! Damn!
 * Valerie: Okay, look.  Today, the guy you ripped off just happened to walk by and bust you, so why don't you just…give him the flask back?
 * Street vendor: What're you going to do if I don't, bite me with your snaggletooth?
 * Valerie: No. But maybe that policeman over there might have something to say.
 * Street vendor: Awwwww, take your dumb-ass canteen, goofy!  [turns to Valerie]  And you, get your raggedy-ass clothes and find yourself another corner, before I show you what crazy really is!
 * Valerie: Fine, I will!
 * Street vendor: I'm a business man!  Blah-blah-blah-blah!
 * Nicky: I'll be seeing you in a few years.  [street vendor clicks tongue really fast at Nicky as he leaves]

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 * John: Hey, by the way, Nicky, check this out!  [spins Ozzy record backwards, but just makes noise]  What's Ozzy trying to say there?
 * Nicky: John, absolutely nothing.  The Blizzard always came straight with his messages.  But wrap your minds around this, gentlemen.
 * Beefy: Oh no!  Heh heh heh!
 * Nicky: Chicago.  [plays "Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?"]
 * Todd: I love this song.
 * Chicago album spun backwards: I command you in the name of Lucifer, to spread the blood of the innocent!
 * Pete: Oh, my God! Chicago kicks ass!
 * John: That was awesome!
 * Todd: You know, guys, this cake…tastes a little funny.
 * Pete: Oh, I dumped a fat sack of reefer in the mix.  Thought I'd spice up the bash!
 * Beefy: Really?!
 * Nicky: What's reefer?
 * Beefy: About 500 bucks an ounce!  Heh heh heh heh!

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 * Blind deacon: The hell beast is above us!!  And I can smell an evil slut!  [Nicky shoots him with water from fire hydrant]  Whoa, devil!!
 * Valerie: [to Nicky]  Did you do that?
 * Nicky: Nobody calls my girl an evil slut.

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 * Todd: [after being ratted out by Pete and John]  Judas!
 * Pete: Yeah, Judas Priest, maybe.

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 * Blind deacon: Why're you taunting me with your darkness?!  Your evil, it's stinking up our streets!  The end is near!!  We are all going to die!!  [runs into a lamppost]
 * Valerie: This town is really going to Hell lately!

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 * Beefy: I used to get messed up like this with my first girlfriend, Heather.  We'd get so loopy, she would forget I was a dog!
 * John: She was a human?
 * Beefy: No, she was a sewer rat!  [everyone laughs hysterically]  Man, that pissed my parents off!
 * Todd: You know, I was in love once, but she said I wasn't financially reliable and she needed that.
 * John: Now, by "she", do you mean "he"?
 * Todd: No.
 * Beefy: Busted!

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 * Pete: Hey, how're you feeling over there, Satan Abdul-Jabbar?
 * Nicky: A little strange.  I can't stop thinking about this girl, Valerie.
 * Todd: Why?  Did she hurt you?  Do you need to cry on my shoulder?
 * John: Easy, Liberace.
 * Todd: Oh, would you grow up?!
 * Pete: Ha ha ha! Liberace.
 * Nicky: I was having the best day with her, until Adrian made me tell her she had a heart-shaped heinie.
 * Beefy: Maybe you love her, but what do I know, I can't even see straight!

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 * Todd: Hey, you guys can crash here.  I have an extra futon in the bedroom.
 * John: Eh, that's a big pass, Elton John.

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 * Satan: That's right!  You heard me, Holly!
 * Holly: What?
 * Satan: I'm still in love with you!

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 * Satan: Okay, kids, meet your new home!
 * Adrian and Cassius: No, no, no, no, no…!
 * Hitler: [flask is shoved up Hitler's ass]  Holy schit!  Oh ho ho!

Cast

 * Adam Sandler as Nicky Schear
 * Patricia Arquette as Valerie Veran, Nicky's love interest
 * Harvey Keitel as Satan Schear, Nicky's father
 * Rhys Ifans as Adrian Schear, Nicky's older half-brother
 * Allen Covert as Todd, Nicky's best friend
 * Tommy "Tiny" Lister, Jr. as Cassius Schear, Nicky's older half-brother
 * Kevin Nealon as Stanley the Gatekeeper
 * Jon Lovitz as Peeper (singing the same tune as was sung by his character in The Wedding Singer)
 * Michael McKean as Chief of Police
 * Quentin Tarantino as the Blind Deacon
 * Rodney Dangerfield as Lucifer Schear, Nicky's paternal grandfather
 * Peter Dante as Peter, Nicky's best friend
 * Jonathan Loughran as John, Nicky's best friend
 * Blake Clark as Jimmy the Demon
 * John Witherspoon as the Street Vendor
 * Robert Smigel as the voice of Mr. Beefy
 * Lewis Arquette as Cardinal
 * Dana Carvey as the referee (Whitey Duvall)
 * Ellen Cleghorne as the Mom at the Globetrotters Game
 * John Farley as Human Dartboard
 * Clint Howard as Andrew "Nipples"
 * Leah Lail as Christa, Holly's best friend
 * Dan Marino as Himself
 * Ozzy Osbourne as Himself
 * Regis Philbin as Himself
 * Rob Schneider as the Townie (playing his character from The Waterboy)
 * Frank Sivero as Alumni Hall Announcer
 * Jackie Titone as Jenna, Holly's best friend
 * George Wallace as Mayor
 * Bill Walton as Himself
 * Carl Weathers as Chubbs Petersen (playing his character from Happy Gilmore)
 * Henry Winkler as Himself
 * Reese Witherspoon as Holly Schear (Nicky's Mother)
 * Fred Wolf and the Harlem Globetrotters
 * Radio Man as himself (Deleted scene only)
 * Laura Harring as Mrs. Dunleavy

Taglines

 * If Your Father Was The Devil, And Your Mother Was An Angel, You'd Be Messed Up, Too.
 * Be Unafraid. Be Very Unafraid.
 * He's Never Been To Earth, He's Never Even Slept Over Another Dude's House!
 * Being Evil Ain't Easy.