Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman

Lois and Clark (1993-1997) is a live-action television series about the adventures of Superman with a focus on the lives of Lois Lane and Clark Kent.

Pilot (1)

 * Lucy: I just hate to see you sitting at home.
 * Lois: I get out plenty. I have dates.
 * Lucy: You have interviews. It's not the same thing. Lois, I just want you to meet a super guy.


 * Lois: Kent is a hack from Smallville. I couldn't make that name up.
 * Perry: Kent or nobody.
 * Lois: Fine. Don't ever say that I'm not a team player.


 * Clark: [Trying on his Superman costume for the first time] What do you think?
 * Martha: Well, one thing's for sure, nobody's going to be looking at your face.
 * Clark: [Realizing what she means] MOM!
 * Martha: [Laughing] Well, they don't call them "tights" for nothing!

Pilot (2)

 * Superman: Like any other citizen of the planet, I must obey the law. I am not above it. You, it seems, believe you are.
 * Lex Luthor: I hold a certain position in this city.
 * Superman: Yes. And there is nothing that would please me more than to see you dethroned and behind bars like any common criminal. That day will come.
 * Lex Luthor: Well, I trust not. But, as they say, let the games begin.

Strange Visitor

 * Cop: Either the machine is broken again, or this reporter is so mild-mannered, he hasn't got a pulse!


 * Cat: Chief, it is horrible the way they're treating us. See that agent over there? He frisked me . . . twice!


 * Lois: Clark, you can do the horizontal rhumba with the entire Met-Net cheerleading squad for all I care, just keep your hands off my copy.


 * Clark: Look, somehow everybody thinks that we were hanging from the chandeliers wearing black leather the other night.
 * Cat: Ummm. Well, we were interrupted.


 * Lois: You are so weird. Works for you though.


 * Perry: Lois, Lois, what happened?
 * Lois: Before or after we were thrown out of the plane?
 * Perry: Air - airplane?

Neverending Battle

 * Clark: Nine hundred and fifty?
 * Landlord: You want cheap, go back to Iowa.
 * Clark: Kansas.


 * Landlord: Quietest building in Metropolis. You married?
 * Clark: No.
 * Landlord: Girlfriend?
 * Clark: No.
 * Landlord: Boyfriend?

I'm Looking Through You

 * Alan Morris/The Invisible Man: It's very simple, Ms. Lane. I became invisible... to become visible again.


 * Clark Kent: (to Lois) Superman? On TV? I don't think so.


 * Superman: You don't need to bid for my attention, Lois.
 * Lois: You saw me there? I didn't think you noticed. I thought I was just another face in the crowd.
 * Superman: You will always be special to me, Lois.
 * Lois: I will?
 * Superman: You're the first woman who ever . . . interviewed me.

Requiem for a Superhero

 * Lois: Partners?
 * Perry: You and Kent. The experience of the battle-scarred veteran paired with the hunger of the exciting, fresh talent.
 * Lois: I am not that scarred, and he is not that exciting.

I've Got a Crush on You

 * Lois: You rotten back-stabbing piece of slime! You know some people might be fooled by that innocent boyish exterior but not me, not anymore.
 * Clark: Tea, Lois? It's a calming, herbal blend.


 * Lois: You could've said that we were sharing some fleeting moment of passion, but no you couldn't think of that could you!
 * Clark: Well, I'll remember that the next time we're in a closet together.
 * Lois: He's a man. I'm a woman. Do you want me to draw you a diagram?


 * Perry: (To Clark) If you went up there to those windows and told me you could fly, I'd back you up. I'd miss you, but I'd back you up.

Smart Kids

 * Lois: Seems to me if your real parents don't care enough to raise you why give it a second thought?
 * Clark: Because if they gave you away they must have had a reason, and it's that not knowing that kills you.
 * Lois: Good . . . you stick to the touchy feely stuff and I'll concentrate on Superman.


 * Lois: I've seen that pig before.


 * Amy: Of course it's a pig. Haven't you ever seen a pig before? Not very smart is she?


 * Lois: You took advantage of our priviledged interview session to steal highly incriminating evidence from an unsuspecting subject. Oh! I love that! Mmmm!


 * Lois: Three more people are claiming to be the President's brother.
 * Perry: Boy, his father was a busy man.

The Green, Green Glow of Home

 * Lois: (On Clark's father) Betcha he's a crossdresser!

<hr width=50%/>
 * Clark: I don't know, Mom. Lois thinks he may be a cross-dresser.
 * Martha: Oh, honey! That's Clark's father. He won't buy 'me' a dress, let alone one for himself.

The Man of Steal Bars

 * Clark: I just wanted to say goodbye.
 * Lois: Goodbye?! We're partners.
 * Clark: You don't need a partner Lois, you never did.
 * Lois: Well, maybe not, but I was starting to like having one.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Clark: That's not how you spell 'aquifer'.
 * Lois: Easy Kent, you CAN be replaced . . . I was already starting to look.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Lois: Did you really think I hadn't figured out what it with you and Superman?
 * Clark: What do you mean?
 * Lois: You idolize the man.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Jonathan: Well, then, where are you gonna go?
 * Clark: I don't know yet. Just away from the people that I love the most.

Pheromone, My Lovely

 * Perry: What do you wanna lead off on, the counter-revolution in Russia?
 * Clark: I believe that's a counter-counter-revolution, chief.
 * Perry: Well, who can keep track these days.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Clark: Haven't you ever played hooky before, Lois?

<hr width=50%/>
 * [Lois sits at her desk, staring at Clark. Unconsciously, she starts unbuttoning the first two buttons of her blouse. Clark, hunched over his computer, fails to notice. Lois pulls out a compact, puts some lipstick on, then gets up, and very sexily strolls over to Clark's desk, sits on the edge of it, crosses her legs, hiking up her skirt in the process.]
 * Lois: [singsong] Clark. [Clark continues typing into his work processor.]
 * Clark: Just a sec, Lois. I... [Then, Clark sees the leg, looks slowly up to the unbuttoned blouse, the strange, dreamy-eyed expression on Lois's face.]
 * Lois: What'cha working on?
 * Clark: The dock strike. You know, the two sides really aren't that far apart.
 * Lois: [moving closer, huskily] How far apart are they, really?
 * Clark: Lois... are you feeling okay?
 * Lois: Never better. [moving even closer] I just... couldn't help noticing how very... handsome you look today.
 * Clark: Handsome?
 * Lois: Very.
 * Clark: [laughing] Oh. I get it. What do you want? Research? Your VCR fixed? A ride to the airport? A Blind date for your...
 * Lois: No. I don't want anything. Except... you.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Clark: Lois! Please! Get a grip!
 * Lois: Believe me, I'd love to!

<hr width=50%/>
 * Lois: Did I really do the dance of the seven veils?
 * Clark: All seven of them!

<hr width=50%/>
 * Clark: I guess I'm not attracted to you.
 * Lois: Liar, you are so attracted to me!

<hr width=50%/>
 * Lois: Lex wasn't quite himself last night.
 * Clark: Well that must have been a welcome change.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Jimmy: The name's Olsen, James Olsen.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Jimmy: You like what you see, I like what I see, so shall we say cocktails? Tomorrow? Your place?

Honeymoon in Metropolis

 * Clark: There's no such word as chumpy.
 * Lois: Sure there is. Someone's a chump, therefore he's chumpy!
 * Clark: Try again.
 * Lois: Are you challenging me?
 * Clark: You bet your sweet little chumpy I am!

<hr width=50%/>
 * Perry: Okay you guys . ..
 * Lois: Guys?
 * Perry: You and Clark.
 * Lois: Did you say Clark?
 * Clark: I heard him say Clark.
 * Jimmy: Definitely Clark.
 * Cat: Definitely.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Clark: We flip for the bed.
 * Lois: How about I get the bed, I lend you a pillow?
 * Clark: How about we alternate nights?
 * Lois: How about we don’t.
 * Clark: Well, it’s a big bed, how about we share?
 * Lois: How about we alternate nights?
 * Clark: Deal.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Jonathan: Well, uh . . . Clark, is there anything you'd like to tell us?
 * Clark: Not really, things are going pretty smoothly, assuming Lois keeps her end of the bargin and lets me have my turn in the bedroom tonight.

Madame Ex

 * Lois: A lot of people have tried to get me on a couch and after all this time, I don't think I'm going to start with a psychiatrist.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Lois: You still think I'm crazy?
 * Clark: I think you're brilliant. But there is a fine line between brilliance and lunacy.

Tempus Fugitive

 * Tempus: Um, Lois, did you know that in the future, you're revered at the same level as Superman? Why, there are books about you, statues, an interactive game. You're even a breakfast cereal.
 * Lois: Really?
 * Tempus: Yes. But as much as everbody loves you, there is one question that keeps coming up: HOW? DUMB? WAS SHE? Here. I'll show you what I mean.
 * [Tempus takes Welles' glasses off his face.]
 * Tempus: Look. [puts on the glasses] I'm Clark Kent. [takes glasses off, deeper voice] No. I'm Superman! [glasses on, soft voice] Mild manner reporter. [glasses off, deep voice] Super hero! [regular voice, mocking] Hello. Duh! Clark Kent is Superman! [laughs] Well, that was worth the whole trip. To actually meet the most galactically stupid woman who ever lived.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Clark: Superman is what I can do. Clark is who I am.

<hr width=50%/>
 * Tempus: Superman, before I go, I have to ask... Why tights? Why a cape? You're a grown man, don't you feel ridiculous?
 * Superman: [leaning in] My mother made it for me.

Whine, Whine, Whine

 * Lois Lane: He doesn't love you, Elise. You can tell when a man loves you by the way he treats you, by the way he looks at you, by the way...
 * Elise Carr: Look, Ms. Lane, if you've found the perfect man, then I'm happy for you.
 * Lois Lane: No, he's about as far from perfect as you get, but I'll tell you the difference between him and Calvin. I know that he wants my happiness more than his own.

The Dad Who Came in from the Cold
Lois: You won't believe what I got on the mail today - a flyer from the Winky-Tink pre-school. You see, this store where we're registered for wedding gifts sold our names, and now I'm getting bombarded with junk mail.

Clark: Huh. (casually dries a plate with his heat vision)

Lois: (sarcastically) Don't wear yourself out.

Clark: Pre-school? We don't even get married for three more weeks.

Lois: Well, Winky-Tink says now's the time: they've got a five-year waiting list and they require a two hundred dollar deposit.

Clark: Do they also require a child?

Lois: Just money.

<hr width=50%/>

Bud Collins: (gasping and close to death) Superman...did anybody tell you you look just like Clark Kent, only..without the...glasses? (dies)

<hr width=50%/>

Sweet Tart: (pointing a gun at Lois and Superman) OK, let's hold it right there.

Superman: New in town?

<hr width=50%/>

Trevanian: (sips wine and spits it out)

Sweet Tart: (sips wine and spits it out)

Trevanian: Swill!

Sweet Tart: Swill!

Trevanian: (offers wine to Jack Olsen)

Jack Olsen: No, that's all right. I'm sure it's swill.

<hr width=50%/>

Lois: Whatever's in here is locked in the computer's memory...and it's in code to boot.

Perry White: Well, you know they have a couple of those data-recovery outfits here in town...

Clark: Uh, Chief, this material's way too sensitive.

Lois: We need somebody we can trust...somebody who knows RAM chips from...

Jimmy Olsen: (with a box in hand) ...Strudel?

Perry White: Ask, and ye shall receive.

Tempus Anyone?
Alternate Clark: Are you always like this?

Lois: Sorry, I-I'm a little high-strung.

Alternate Clark: Lady, you're a Stradivarius.

<hr width=50%/>

Alternate Clark: One man can't really make a difference, no matter what kind of powers he has.

Lois: I know things are different here, I know you're different, but trust me, powers or no powers, one man can change any world.

<hr width=50%/>

H. G. Wells: The explosive device...

Tempus: One man is ready to lay down his life to save a world...and that man is me.

H. G. Wells: ...it's ticking. It's going to explode.

Tempus: What?!

H. G. Wells: The bomb is going to explode!!

Tempus: It's ticking?

H. G. Wells: Yes!

Tempus: It's gonna blow!

H. G. Wells: I said that!

<hr width=50%/>

H. G. Wells: I loathe this sort of behaviour, but you leave one little choice! (stamps on Tempus' foot and hits him on the back of the neck - the bomb starts beeping loudly) Oh, my God!!

<hr width=50%/>

H. G. Wells: I must say, my boy, I envy you.

Alternate Superman: Me? Why?

H. G. Wells: With every eye upon you, every breath held in anticipation, you hold in your hands a world waiting to be shaped.

Alternate Superman: I'm just not sure that I can...

H. G. Wells: ...that you can take on such great responsibility? What do you think Shakespeare meant when he wrote, "In apprehension, how like a god?" It's not that gods are anxious about their responsibilities. But with such great weight comes great understanding. Trust that, Clark, and trust that you've found your true destiny and that in you a once hopeless world has found its future. Good luck to you.

<hr width=50%/>

H. G. Wells: He's quite a man, the Clark Kent of this world.

Lois: I just wish he didn't have to be alone.

H. G. Wells: The hardest lesson is that love can be so fair to some, and so cruel to others, even those who would be gods.

I Now Pronounce You.....
Clark: (floating in mid-air, watching a football game) Yes!

(the 'phone rings - Clark drifts across and picks up)

Clark: Hello?

Lois: Oh, Clark, you're there. It's horrible. It's terrible...

Clark: Lois?!

(He flies off to Lois' apartment in a blur)

Clark/Superman: What's the matter?!

Lois: Oh! You scared me.

Clark/Superman: You said something horrible was happening.

Lois: (frantically babbling) Oh. No, uh, no it's just that, oh, well, we're getting marred in four days and I've never been happier in my life and every time that things are gong great between us, something happens, and I just know that something bad is going to happen to mess up our wedding. I just know it!

Clark/Superman: That's it?

Lois: Well...yeah.

Clark/Superman: Lois, nothing's going to happen. You're just nervous, that's all. So am I.

Lois: Really?

Clark/Superman: Well, not as nervous as you, but sure...

Soul Mates

 * Tempus: Don't tell me that's what the Saxons are wearing these days.

Meet John Doe

 * Barrett: Lets go over it one more time...
 * Tempus: Can we move this along, I'm breaking out this morning.
 * Barrett: Yes. You believe that a peace keeper from the future will arrive on this date to...
 * Tempus: Extradite me back to the future to face punishment for the crimes committed in various time zones.
 * Barrett: So I gather that you still believe you're from the future.
 * Tempus: Duh.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Barrett: Mr. Tempus, assuming that this is all true, why would you admit it to me.
 * Tempus: Because you are, in a word, "loony tunes".
 * Barrett: Loony tunes is two words.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Security Guard (Malcolm): Hey, this area is restricted.
 * Tempus: As well it should be. Do you realize that this satellite relay station is up linked to every long distance carrier in the country?

<hr width=50%/>


 * Tempus: Malcolm, you will go to the window. At exactly twelve-noon you will be overcome with the irresistible urge to take a flying leap out of that window.
 * Malcolm: Gotta go. Gonna jump to my death soon. Buh-bye.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Lane: Well, this year alone I have been shot at, strapped to explosives, and electrocuted. If anyone needs a will made out, its me.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Tempus: Attention all registered voters, John Doe is a darn nice guy.

<hr width=50%/>


 * White: I want an exclusive on this. I wanna find out what makes this man tick, what he stands for, and most of all, why is he such a darn nice guy.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Tempus: The Amish are not your friends. They are anti John Doe. Boycott their quilts, they're overpriced and the workmanship is shoddy anyway. Oh, and John Doe is a darn nice guy.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Lane: I know two things right now, Tempus is evil and has to be stopped and John Doe is a darn nice guy.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Lane: Mr. President, we have reason to believe that John Doe is...
 * The President: ... a darn nice guy. I can't disagree. Hell, even I voted for him.

AKA Superman
(Clark stops, realising something.)

Lois: There's a crisis. What is it? Bank robbery? Terrorist strike? Meteor headed for Earth?

Clark: Ribbon cutting.

Lois: Sorry?

__________________

Clark: Sorry I'm late.

Lois: Golf, huh?

Clark: Yeah... it was charity game, Lois. Superman could hardly say 'no'.

Lois: Doesn't seem to be in his vocabulary.

__________________

Paladin: Captain McBride was to take an outmoded weather satellite out of service. With six thousand manmade objects floating around out there, it's pretty crowded.

Clark: (to himself) Tell me about it.

Cast

 * Dean Cain - Clark Kent
 * Teri Hatcher - Lois Lane
 * Lane Smith - Perry White
 * Michael Landes - Jimmy Olson #1
 * Justin Whalin - Jimmy Olson #2
 * Eddie Jones - Jonathan Kent
 * K Callan - Martha Kent
 * John Shea - Lex Luthor
 * Tracy Scoggins - Catharine "Cat" Grant