Look Around You

Look Around You is a comedic BBC parody of British science television shows, devised and written by Robert Popper and Peter Serafinowicz, and narrated in the first series by Nigel Lambert.

Calcium

 * Narrator: Here is a model of a calcium molecule. Do you recognise the triple helix?  If you do, write it down.
 * Narrator: The protons feed electrical information to the core of the molecule, where we find the central atom, or 'Queen Atom'. Were the Queen Atom to leave the molecule, or nest, the effects would be disastrous, as the entire structure would come tumbling down.  This is known as the Helvetica Scenario. Shows a black and white German horror film of a scientist observing a man with no face trapped behind a window
 * Narrator: The calcium has reacted with the sodium chloride to produce calcium chloride. Because calcium chloride is a conductor, the little lamp lights. (black liquid oozes from lamp) Small quantities of Thomason's oil segnomin are also produced.

Maths

 * Narrator: The largest number is about 45,000,000,000 although mathematicians suspect that there may be even larger numbers.
 * Text on screen reads: 45,000,000,001?


 * Narrator: Maths stands for Mathematical Anti-Telharsic Harfatum Septomin.


 * Narrator: We use maths at almost every point of the day, whether we're working out how to thread our shoelaces, calculating the optimal moment on which to embark upon a conversation, or, if you can fly, planning your trajectory for the journey to work.


 * Narrator: Look at this formula: $$n^2 + 9 + 9$$. It's called cDonald's Theorem. If we plot its graph, we arrive at this unusual shape, a uniformly curved line which somehow joins up with itself that science has yet to find a name for. Can you think of a name for it? If you can, the Royal Mathematics Society would like to hear from you. Because they hold a competition each year to find a name for this figure. The final takes place in Nottingham on April the 4th of September. And you could win your school this computerized toast system. So, good luck!


 * Narrator: Jean is shorter than Brutus but taller than Imhotep. Imhotep is taller than Jean, but shorter than Lord Scotland. Lord Scotland is twice the height of Jean and Brutus combined but only one-tenth of the height of Millsy. Millsy is at a constant height of $$x - y$$. If Jean stands exactly one nautical mile away from Lord Scotland, how tall is Imhotep?


 * Narrator: Eight ladies go to eight shops at eight o'clock in the morning. Each lady wants to buy eight spiders. For each spider, eight spider shoes must also be bought. But they only have eight pounds between them. With each spider costing eight pence and each spider shoe costing an eighth pence each, will the ladies have enough change for the bus home? A journey costing eight pence per stop and made up of eight stops.


 * Narrator: It's the future and Queen Elizabeth III and Queen Elizabeth IV are going to a party held by Queen Elizabeth V. They're keen to make the right impression so it's important that they choose their outfits carefully. Queen Elizabeth III has forty dresses to choose from, where as Queen Elizabeth IV has four thousand. Queen Elizabeth V has just one dress, but it has the ability to transform itself into the shape of any dress. The night before the party Queen Elizabeth IV’s handmaiden steals the patterns to Queen Elizabeth III's dresses and working through till dawn makes forty exact replicas. Can you calculate the probability that all three queens will be wearing the same dress at the party and how many times can Queen Elizabeth V's dress change before it overheats?


 * Narrator: Here are the answers to all your problems: Imhotep is invisible. The ladies were eight pence short. And the party was cancelled.

Water

 * Narrator: But what is water? It's a difficult question, because water is impossible to describe. One might ask the same about birds. What are birds? We just don't know.


 * Narrator: (cutting into a boiled egg) Make sure you look out for the release of the new albumen... (the egg cracks open) It's out now.


 * Narrator: Thanks, ants. Thants.


 * Narrator: The gas mafipulates gently through the Jane Grey and into the water, causing bubbling. The mafipulation is allowed to continue for 5 minutes.


 * Narrator: If you look carefully, you'll notice that the water has changed colour from invisible to brown.


 * Narrator: Bless you, ants. Blants.

Germs

 * Narrator: Germs originated in Germany, before rapidly spreading throughout the rest of the world.


 * Narrator: Germs are basically a malevolent form of bacteria, with one purpose: to spread germs.


 * Narrator: You can pick up germs from a variety of sources, and because they're invisible they're almost impossible to see.


 * Narrator: Moth apples are smaller than crab apples, sweeter too. Don't be tempted to eat them, as they are highly explosive.

Ghosts

 * Narrator: But there's no need to be scared of ghosts, it's a very childish attitude as the majority of them are quite harmless. This spirit is helping a girl with her homework, while this one is mending its master's caravan.


 * Narrator: Ghosts. You may know them as ghouls or demons or spirits or spirims or spictrims.


 * Narrator: One way in which ghosts are different from man is that they can't whistle. Try as they might, the most they can muster is a rather feeble hiss.  Perhaps it's because their lips are transparent and their tongues are see-through?

Sulphur

 * Narrator: We will be using a household object famous for its iron content. Can you guess what it is? Correct. Champagne.


 * Narrator: (Talking about heat vision) You've probably seen this in action at your local dump, where it is used by the waste disposal industry.


 * Peter Jackmond: In an average year we get through roughly forty tonnes of sulphur. This translates into approximately two and a half million individual matches. Since the company was formed we've produced 156,280,000 matches, and if we continue at the current rate of production, by the year 3500 we will have manufactured 900,000 billion billion billion billion billion billion matches. Narrator: That's a lot of matches!

Music

 * Narrator: There are those that actually believe that this is music. They call it 'birdsong', but it's hardly a song.  There's no real tune to speak of, just a cacophony of squawks and chirrups.  What a racket!


 * Narrator: One can only imagine a world without music, though we'd probably get used to it after a while.


 * Narrator: Here's a state of the art, song-writing computer, the 'Harrington 1200.' You've probably never seen one yourself because it costs almost a thousand pounds.  Price tag reads £999.99&frac12;p


 * Narrator: But it's at the heart of the Harrington that we find the real musical motors that power this machine. DNA samples taken from the composers Gilbert and Sullivan.


 * Narrator: An ordinary piano. And if we go to the top of the scale we find this, the Boîte Diabolique, which houses the 19 forbidden notes. It's kept locked, and for good reason.

Iron

 * Narrator: We have a DC current, provided by the battery, and an AC current, provided by the mains. We're working with AC/DC because it is heavy metal.


 * Narrator: An enormous pair of scissors has appeared in the sky directly above the laboratory, and after a few moments, it's gone. It's an old experiment that you've probably seen before, but well worth trying nonetheless.


 * Narrator: Here is a model of an iron molecule. And here is a model of a model, modeled in iron.


 * Narrator: Man has been using iron since the stone age.

The Brain

 * Narrator: What is the brain? If you don't know that, you've forgotten how to think.


 * Narrator: The brain is basically a wrinkled bag of skin, filled with warm water, veins and thought muscles. Think of it as a kind of modified heart, only with a mind or brain.


 * Narrator: The opposite of the brain is probably the bum. It's nowhere near as intelligent as the brain.  It doesn't have to be as it only needs to make very basic calculations.

Man enters toilet, and locks door


 * Narrator: You don't have to be a brain surgeon to operate on the brain.


 * (phone rings)
 * Scientist: Hello?
 * Narrator: It's the BRAIN.

Music

 * Pam: Who could forget when the Post Office Tower spent 7 weeks at number one [due to a clerical error]?
 * Leonard Hatred: (on Psilence spray) Well, my parents were both heavy snorers and I was a light sleeper...We lived at Heathrow at first. Later we moved. But it was to Gatwick (laughs nervously). Then I moved to the countryside but they built an abattoir next to my house. And my wife has this condition where she screams constantly. And her sister moved in and she has the same condition...
 * Peter: Well, you've certainly given the ghost of Tchaikovsky something to think about.
 * Peter: Thanks, Tchaikovsky, Thaikovsky.

Health

 * Morgan: (after an unusual face-lift) Wow! I love it!
 * Packard: Yes, the tusk really sets it off!
 * Dr Franklin Fu: Medibot!
 * Medibot: MEDIBOT!

Sport

 * Pealy: When you think of Pennsylvania, you probably think of pencils.
 * Peter: Thanks, ants. Thants.

Food

 * Continuity Announcer: Look Around You follows in a minute, but first we have the line up for St. Frankenstein's day.
 * Continuity Announcer: At 10:40 we have The Honey Programme, hosted by David Bumblebee.
 * Continuity Announcer: Imagine That is at 11:00, and this week the businessmen are trying to imagine The Two Ronnies having sex with each other.

Peter: When you hear the words "fast food", you automatically think of one thing: casserole.
 * Peter: Well, unfortunately, there never was an opening night. Only hours after that piece was filmed, Clive Pounds sadly died from complications following a wasp sting to his anus. And so, as a mark of respect, we will now observe a one-second silence.
 * Peter: And now for your special birthday surprise. It's you, Pam Bachelor, at age 90!
 * Continuity Announcer: Viewers may be pleased to know that Clive Pounds, who died during production of this program, has since come back to life.

Computers

 * Continuity Announcer: Look Around You follows in a minute, but first we have the line up for Antmas Eve.
 * Peter: Thanks, Eddie. Theddie.

Sleep (From Health Episode)

 * Woman in dream: Stop eating that jam you little shit!
 * Teacher in dream: Idiot! Pidiot! Pridiot! Peroxamidiot! CABBAGE HALL IDIOT INVESTMENT FUND!!!!

Inventor of the Year Live Final

 * Pam: Well, this trophy is made entirely from solid gold, plated with tin.
 * Birds of Britain narrator: (shows a picture of an arm) These are hand birds. That one is eating a worm.
 * Peter: Thanks, Hanks. Thanks.