Lopez vs Lopez

Lopez vs Lopez (2022–present) is an American television multi-camera sitcom, airing on NBC, that stars George Lopez and Mayan Lopez as fictionalized versions of themselves along with Matt Shively, Brice Gonzalez, Al Madrigal, and Selenis Leyva in supporting roles.

Pilot [1.01]

 * [First lines of the series]
 * George Lopez: Oh, my God! Why are you shaking your nalgas for the whole world to see?
 * Mayan Lopez: I'm connecting with other women who have daddy issues.
 * George Lopez: Oh, I'm sure you'll connect with some daddies on there too.


 * George Lopez: No domestic beer for you, Oscar. My best friend deserves only the best imported.
 * Oscar: Thanks, man. Hey, you know what would be even better, though?
 * George Lopez: If we were high.
 * Oscar: How'd you know I was gonna say that?
 * George Lopez: 'Cause you said the same thing this morning, then we got high.
 * Oscar: Hey, take it easy. Some of us are high.
 * Mayan Lopez: Sorry, there's an entitled white lady at work.
 * Oscar: Just one?
 * George Lopez: One is all you need to ground a Delta flight.
 * Mayan Lopez: She treats us all like crap.
 * George Lopez: Sounds like you need to show her the Lopez way.
 * Mayan Lopez: Please, don't start.
 * George Lopez: It's a foolproof method. It's even how your mom and I fell in love. On our first date, we made the waiter cry.
 * Mayan Lopez: That's not something to be proud of.


 * [Mayan Lopez destroys the wall with a hammer.]
 * Mayan Lopez: Freaking bitches! (breathing heavily)
 * George Lopez: Wow!
 * Mayan Lopez: Oh, man. I didn't know I had that in me. I guess I got that from you.
 * George Lopez: You didn't get that throwing the hammer down thing from me. You got it from your mom. Ta loca. I'm scared of you. Put that in the truck.

Lopez vs Anxiety [1.02]

 * George Lopez: I'm not about to get kidnapped and sex trafficked. I don't think there's a market in sex trafficking for some viejita with bunions.


 * George Lopez: We have those, and we use them on Wednesdays between Chicago Med and Chicago Fire.

Lopez vs Español [1.03]

 * George Lopez: Moving is pretty self-explanatory, but I got one rule. If you break something, go full Shaggy.


 * Mayan Lopez: How do you have a 5-star Yelp rating?
 * George Lopez: If you give Oscar enough Adderall, he can write a lot of reviews. Ah, ¿qué onda, güey?
 * Mayan Lopez: Are those guys new hires? I don't recognize them.


 * Mayan Lopez: They're both so fluent in Spanish. It reminds me of "me". But they speak English, too, right?
 * George Lopez: No, the only thing they know in English is "It wasn't me!".


 * Chance Lopez-Van Bryan: Fine. I'm going to play with my toys in English!

Lopez vs Birthdays [1.04]

 * George Lopez: It has a motor, fool. Where'd you even blow into?
 * Mayan Lopez: Before you start blowing anything up, we should check with Chance to see if this is what he really wants. I'm sure he wants a bug party. Like, he's so excited that he started his own bug collection, and now I have to burn his sheets.
 * George Lopez: Oh, those ants are my fault. I keep hot dogs under the bed. Why do you think I'm never hung over?
 * Mayan Lopez: Chance!


 * Chance Lopez-Van Bryan: I've got a bounce house! This party's about to be lit!
 * Mayan Lopez: But what about the bugs?!
 * Chance Lopez-Van Bryan: They're dead! They'll still be dead next week!
 * George Lopez: Guess he's okay with it. Wanna see a live chicken? Say hello to Hennifer Lopez!
 * Chance Lopez-Van Bryan: Whoa!
 * George Lopez: Don't get too attached.

Lopez vs Gaslighting [1.05]

 * George Lopez: If a tree falls in the woods and nobody's there to hear it, it's still in the woods. It's just laying there sleeping it off.


 * Chance Lopez-Van Bryan: Mommy, we won! I hit a home run!


 * Mayan Lopez: You don't miss being the coach?

Lopez vs Christmas [1.06]

 * George Lopez: Oh, that must be the rest of our guests.
 * Mayan Lopez: What are you talking about?
 * George Lopez: Well, Rosie doesn't feel like it's a real Latino Christmas unless there's at least 10 family members.

Lopez vs Ghosts [1.07]

 * George Lopez: 'Course I do. I'm Latino. I believe in ghosts, Raider Nation, and that Vick's VapoRub can cure cancer. You don't?
 * Mayan Lopez: Quentin's a nonbeliever.


 * George Lopez: I shouldn't be in here. This is all your fault. What do you want from me, old woman? Oh, I'm sorry. Let me speak to you in your native tongue.
 * Dolores: You are always wrong, baboso. Actually, it's more like this.

Lopez vs Pride [1.08]

 * George Lopez: So, Doctor, if Churro needs one tranquilizer, she weighs 10 pounds. How much would a dog need that weighed, like, 200 pounds? Like, 20?


 * George Lopez: Can you believe Mayan? Complaining that I never tell her I'm proud of her. I must have said it one time behind her back accidentally. That's gotta count for something.

Lopez vs Van Bryan [1.09]

 * [first lines]
 * Mayan Lopez: Wow. This place is so clean.


 * George Lopez: All right. This has got to work. I'm gonna text Sam pretending to be a hot lady. "Hey, big guy. Saw your pics, and I think you're hot AF. Want to meet up?". And then we send a picture of her hot pocket.


 * George Lopez: Well, maybe he's got other priorities, like spending time with his kid.

Lopez vs Los Doyers [1.10]

 * George Lopez: So now we're short a player for our fantasy baseball league. I swear, some people only think of themselves!
 * Mayan Lopez: But what about Quinten? He likes sports and he never thinks about himself.
 * George Lopez: This is fantasy baseball, Mayan, and none of my fantasies include Quinten.

Lopez vs Neighbors [1.11]

 * [first lines]
 * Mayan Lopez: Gonna meet the new neighbors. I made them guacamole using avocados from their tree that hangs over our fence.
 * George Lopez: I'd love to go.
 * Mayan Lopez: Oh, you wanna welcome them to the neighborhood too?
 * George Lopez: Yeah, I'd like to welcome them to leave.

Lopez vs Appropriation [1.12]

 * [Night becomes day in George Lopez's house, and then the rooster crows to wake everyone up.]
 * George Lopez: Okay, Gordo, since you couldn't go to real Farm Camp, I give you La Vaca Flaca!
 * Chance Lopez-Van Bryan: Honestly, I'm fine with the store-bought milk.
 * George Lopez: Well, I'm not. So put your hands on those chichis, and let's get to squeezing.

Lopez vs Second Chances [1.13]

 * [first lines]
 * George Lopez: Can you please turn those pages quieter? I'm trying to watch TV.


 * George Lopez: You just had to come and spy on me so you could tell Mayan every little thing I did wrong!


 * Chance Lopez-Van Bryan: Well, this has been quite a... What do you call it? Gas. But my family's probably starting to worry, so I should go.

Lopez vs Work [1.14]

 * [first lines]
 * Mayan Lopez: Okay, don't tell Quinten we're celebrating his new promotion by taking him out to a fancy steak dinner. At Panda Express. He's only part-time assistant manager.


 * Mayan Lopez: Work is important, but so is self-care.

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 * George Lopez: You barely work, and you have no life. You guys aren't Gen Z. You guys are Gen Lazy. Ha!

Lopez vs Primos [1.15]

 * George Lopez: I'll remember that for the police report. Let's play a new game, all right? This one is called Scavenger Hunt. Let's see if you can find a dinosaur, a minion, and a half-eaten chicken nugget. You're doing good. You're doing good. 3, 2, 1! Oh!

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 * George Lopez: Okay. Listen, that's not fair.
 * Mayan Lopez: Hey, it's payback for all the times that you partied instead of being a responsible parent when I was a kid.
 * George Lopez: Damn, actually that is fair.

Lopez vs Cheating [1.16]

 * [first lines]
 * George Lopez: Quick, it's an emergency!
 * Mayan Lopez: Oh, my God! What's wrong with Churro?
 * George Lopez: She ate my beer money.

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 * George Lopez: You see, Rosie, when a man cheats, he doesn't lead with "Do you come here often? I don't, because I have a wife and kid."
 * Rosie: So what you're saying is, you didn't just hurt me. You hurt Bunny too.

Lopez vs Dog Quinces [1.17]

 * [first lines]
 * Mayan Lopez: How's Churro looking, Dr. Pocha? Does she have a hearing problem, or is she a mean girl playing mind games?
 * Dr. Pocha: Let's test it out with a basic canine auditory assessment. Hey, Churro, can you hear me? Kidding. I did a cochlear exam earlier, and Churro has hearing loss because she's an old woman.

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 * Mayan Lopez: Great, so you 2 are gonna work together on music and decorations. I want a female mariachi band who know Rihanna's entire catalog off book.
 * George Lopez: They have female mariachis? What do their grito sound like? "Ayyy, put that toilet seat down!".

Lopez vs Goosey [1.18]

 * [first lines]
 * Mayan Lopez: Dad, you're getting cheese on my couch. And I can't flip the cushion over because you got chili on the other side.
 * George Lopez: It's not my fault you keep your cushions where I keep my chili. Don't worry. I'll clean it.

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 * George Lopez: I'm not worried. I'm the sniffing glue that holds this family together.
 * Rosie: Don't be so sure. She not only let you back in her life. She opened her home to you. So when you don't respect her boundaries, it's triggering.
 * George Lopez: Wow, you learned a lot in therapy.

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 * Chance Lopez-Van Bryan: It worked!
 * George Lopez: I guess we're both war heroes now.
 * [final lines]

Lopez vs The Godfather [1.19]

 * George Lopez: All Latino kids drink it. My mom's breast milk went straight into my coffee. Didn't stunt my growth.
 * Rosie: It's true. His head is still growing.
 * George Lopez: (on the phone) Hey, what's up? Aw, man, how you doin'? It's been a long time, huh? It's good to hear from you, man. Yeah, we need to get a beer. All right, later. (high-pitched voice) Bye.
 * Mayan Lopez: Who was that?
 * George Lopez: Um, Verizon.
 * Rosie: He always uses phone companies when he's lying. He used to get a ton of calls from a hoochie named Pacific Bell.
 * George Lopez: It's just, uh, Don Patino.

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 * George Lopez: Come on, Mayan, talk to me.
 * Mayan Lopez: Not right now. I'm pretending these moles are your head.
 * George Lopez: I just thought once you saw Don that you'd remember the good times.
 * Mayan Lopez: No. I remember what he does to you. The old Dad I couldn't rely on comes back when Don's around. I mean, he's been here one day and you've already lied to me. Mom and I want nothing to do with him.
 * Rosie: Look what your godfather got me. I feel like a cartel leader's wife.
 * Mayan Lopez: Are you really forgiving Don just because he bought you a coat that makes you look like Mary J. Blige?
 * Rosie: I haven't necessarily forgiven him, but a fur coat is a good start. I'm gonna go see what this looks like in front of the fun mirrors.
 * George Lopez: See? Don's a good guy, Mayan, and he's missed you. Guess what he named Flyin' Mayan?
 * Mayan Lopez: A strain of weed?
 * George Lopez: No, but side hustle. He named his racehorse after you.
 * Mayan Lopez: A horse is supposed to make up for ripping my family apart?
 * George Lopez: Yes. It's a thoroughbred, Mayan. It was thoroughly bred. But listen, I know you blame Don for everything that I did wrong, but I make my own bad decisions. So if you're be mad at somebody, be mad at me.
 * Mayan Lopez: I am mad at you!
 * George Lopez: Why? What did I do?

Lopez vs Corte Caliente [1.20]

 * George Lopez: You don't have to remind me. I don't know what the hell that is.
 * Mayan Lopez: It means following through with something, even when it's hard.

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 * George Lopez: My ex-wife kept the wedding ring, and then hid it in her bra. So today I'm here to seek breast-itution.
 * Rosie: Oh, he took everything from me. The least he could do is let me keep that ring! (sobs) Was that good? 'Cause I could do it again.
 * All: ♪ Corte! ♪
 * Justicia: Stop that, Señor Lopez. You could lean back into last week, and your head still wouldn't look any smaller. You're here to sue your ex-wife. Care to tell us why?
 * George Lopez: Uh, yes. This bruja ruined my life. I am a hard working small business owner of an affordable moving company, Lop E.Z. Movers. Please follow me on Instagram at L-O-P-E...
 * Justicia: Silencio! This is a court of law, not a place for you to shamelessly advertise your business. And we'll be right back after a word from our sponsors.
 * All: ♪ Corte! ♪

Lopez vs Bucket Crabs [1.21]

 * George Lopez: I don't have a calendar. On the day of a move, I get a call from the client saying, "Where the hell are you?". Then I tell 'em, "Around the corner!". And I jump in the shower.
 * Rosie: Landing this commercial move would be big for us. There's the client. Remember the number one rule in business. Shut up. Let me do the talking.
 * George Lopez: Hi, there, I'm George Lopez, founder of Lop E.Z. Movers. As you can see, I only have the strongest members on my crew. Momo here can do 50 push-ups.

<hr width=50%>
 * Mayan Lopez: No one would even touch these after Natalia said, "I don't eat meat wrapped in meat.".
 * George Lopez: That's crazy. The outside meat enhances the flavor of the inside meat.

Lopez vs Last Call [1.22]

 * [Chance Lopez-Van Bryan is shown wearing a George Lopez costume.]
 * Chance Lopez-Van Bryan: Orale! I'm George Lopez! Oh, my God.
 * Mayan Lopez: Chance, what are you doing?
 * Chance Lopez-Van Bryan: Practicing for my hero presentation. Let me tell you about a day in the life of a hero like me. I wake up at 7 and crack open a beer. Then I notice I have a cool, new bruise. Whoa! Where did that come from? And then I shrug and go back to sleep, because thinking is hard.
 * [Chance Lopez-Van Bryan sleeps on the couch, then he wakes up.]
 * Chance Lopez-Van Bryan: Uh-oh! It's noon. Time to cough in the bathroom for 10 minutes, then have another beer for lunch.
 * George Lopez: That really how you see me, Gordo?
 * Chance Lopez-Van Bryan: Yeah, you're a cool 85-year-old who does what he wants. You are my hero.
 * George Lopez: No, I'm not, Gordo. A hero sets a better example for a kid.
 * Chance Lopez-Van Bryan: All right. But don't tell my teacher that, because I'm one gold star away from a personal pan pizza.

Lopez vs Sobriety [2.01]

 * George Lopez: This morning, you blamed me because you missed breakfast.
 * Mayan Lopez: Because you ate mine.

<hr width=50%>
 * Mayan Lopez: I thought sober, he'd be loving, considerate, patient. I was expecting Mexican Tom Hanks.

<hr width=50%>
 * Rosie: On the count of 3. 1, 2, 3!
 * [Rosie throws the game controller to the floor, and the game controller is now broken. Chance Lopez-Van Bryan becomes sad and he bursts into tears.]
 * Chance Lopez-Van Bryan: You broke my controller!

<hr width=50%>
 * George Lopez: What the hell are you doing?
 * Mayan Lopez: What?
 * George Lopez: Nachos are a finger food, like steak or soup.

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 * George Lopez: All aboard. Here comes the blame train. Choo-choo!

<hr width=50%>
 * George Lopez: Who said you can't have fun sober?
 * [final lines]

Lopez vs Moving On [2.02]

 * [first lines]
 * George Lopez: I parked on your flowers again.

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 * George Lopez: We're friends with benefits.

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 * George Lopez: They overpaid!

<hr width=50%>
 * Mayan Lopez: Gracias, señor.

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 * George Lopez: Eyes closed. Open them.
 * [Mayan Lopez opens her eyes.]
 * George Lopez: Ta-da!

Lopez vs Swap Meet [2.03]

 * [first lines]
 * Mayan Lopez: Is the TV still broken?
 * George Lopez: If it wasn't, I'd be watching it.

<hr width=50%>
 * George Lopez: You ruined Churro's favorite show!

<hr width=50%>
 * Rosie: I'm here.
 * George Lopez: My ears.

Lopez vs Pizza [2.04]

 * Rosie: I'm here. Not as often as the Domino's guy. Pizza, again?! This is the fourth time this week.
 * George Lopez: Pizza, again?! This is the fourth time this week.

<hr width=50%>
 * George Lopez: That pizza has hair in it!

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 * George Lopez: I gotta go grocery shopping.

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 * Chance Lopez-Van Bryan: The lady said "It's not a good time.".

Lopez vs Let It Go [2.05]

 * George Lopez: I'm a hustler, daddy!

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 * Rosie: I'm here. But if anyone asks, I was never here.

Lopez vs Raider Nation [2.06]

 * George Lopez: I'm calling it my Eras Tour.

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 * George Lopez: I kept it classy there at the end.

Lopez vs Dreams [2.07]

 * [first lines]
 * Rosie: Thank you for fixing my sink, George.
 * George Lopez: No problem.

<hr width=50%>
 * Rosie: Well, let me give you something to really think about.

<hr width=50%>
 * Rosie: That man is obsessed with me.

Lopez vs Lisa [2.08]

 * Mayan Lopez: So, get it together, man?
 * George Lopez: You get it together, man!

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 * Lisa: I'm a stylist to the stars.

Lopez vs Confessions [2.09]

 * [first lines]
 * George Lopez: Oh, no. Did I miss the old people prom?

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 * Rosie: Why are you being so rude to Josué?

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 * Chance Lopez-Van Bryan: Can't we just make a donation?

Lopez vs George [2.10]

 * [first lines]
 * Rosie: What did we do?!
 * George Lopez: I gotta call someone and tell them what they did.

<hr width=50%>
 * George Lopez: And I'm sorry about Josué.

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 * Rosie: God is great!
 * George Lopez: Carried a ring in his wallet for years.

<hr width=50%>
 * Mayan Lopez: I'm here. And I do!

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 * George Lopez: It's not as hot!
 * [final lines]

Cast

 * George Lopez as George
 * Mayan Lopez as Mayan, George's Daughter
 * Noelle the Rescue Dog as Churro, The Family Dog
 * Matt Shively as Quinten Van Bryan, Mayan's Boyfriend
 * Brice Gonzalez as Chance Lopez-Van Bryan, George's grandson and Mayan's and Quinten's son
 * Selenis Leyva as Rosie, George's ex-wife
 * Al Madrigal as Oscar, an employee of George's who is frequently stoned

Recurring

 * Laci Mosley as Brookie, Mayan's co-worker at the vet's office
 * Aparna Nancherla as Dr. Pocha, a veterinarian and Mayan's Boss
 * Caroline Rhea as Jana, a pushy rich Lady customer
 * Liz Torres as Daisy, Rosie's Grandma and Sister
 * Stephen Tobolowsky as Sam Van Bryan, Quiten's Father
 * Momo Rodriguez as Momo, one of George's employees
 * Cheech Marin as Carlos (Guest Star: Season 1, Recurring: Season 2)
 * Jaime Camil as Josue Consuelos (Season 2)
 * Moises Chavez as Raul (Guest Star: Season 1, Recurring: Season 2)

Guest Stars

 * Jerry Garcia as Mando
 * Adam Kulbersh as Jerry
 * Maria Canals-Barrera as Lily' Rosie's Sister
 * Ana Rey as Flor, Rosie's Sister
 * Nathan Miranda as Robbie
 * Constance Marie as Connie
 * Valente Rodriguez as Val
 * Belita Moreno as Bella
 * Luis Armand Garcia as Louie
 * Rita Moreno as Dolores Lopez, George's Grandma
 * Michelle Ortiz as Mrs. Garcia
 * Neil Flynn as Steve
 * Eden Sher as June
 * Kensie Mills as Paloma
 * Jacob Vargas as Javier
 * Harvey Guillen as Miguel
 * Jessica Marie Garcia as Yesika
 * Chelsea Rendon as Luna
 * Gregg Sulkin as Dr. Bell
 * Justina Machado as Beatrice 'Bunny' Perez
 * Lidia Porto as Gina
 * Erik Griffin as Don, Mayan's Ex-Godfather
 * Marilyn Milan as Judge Justicia
 * Jesus Zapien as Mr. Reyes
 * Danny Trejo as Danny Martinez
 * Julie Wittner as Jenny
 * Melissa Fumero as Natalia
 * Snoop Dogg as Calvin, George's New Sponser
 * Gabriel Iglesias as Iggy
 * Diana-Maria Riva as Olga
 * Marshawn Lynch as Marshawn
 * Tommy Chong as Bryan
 * Lisa Rinna as Lisa, George's Client
 * Scheana Shay as Erica
 * Brock Davies as Justin