Louie (American TV series)

Louie (2010–15) is an American comedy television series on the FX. It is written, directed, edited and produced by the show's creator, stand-up comedian Louis C.K., who stars as a fictionalized version of himself, a comedian and newly divorced father raising his two daughters in New York City. The show has a loose format atypical for television comedy series, consisting of largely unconnected storylines and segments (described as "extended vignettes") that revolve around Louie's life, punctuated by live stand-up performances.

Dr. Ben / Nick [1.3]

 * Dr. Ben: Oh God, Louie. How can...that is, really bad. That's the worst penis I've ever seen in my life. That is disgusting, it's ... oh my God. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me, seeing that...and my dad hung himself in front of me - whilst masturbating. But if I could take one of those things back it would be seeing that awful cock. It looks like you've been getting a dog to suck it off but it chewed it like it thought it was a horrible blood and cum filled shoe.

So Old / Playdate [1.4]

 * [Pamela and Louie are drinking wine while their kids play in the other room]
 * Pamela: Okay: what's the worst thought you ever had about your kids?
 * Louie: ... I don't know - you go first.
 * Pamela: All right, um... I would never hit Ser. Never. But, um, sometimes... I think about hitting him. Like I picture it. Like a fantasy?
 * Louie: ... Come on, that's not so bad.
 * Pamela: Well, I mean, I don't think about it when he's being bad, or, I'm having a hard time with him, or, anything like that, I just, uh... (clears throat) I think about it... when I'm bored. Or, when I'm bored of being a mom? Or when he's just boring. I just think about hitting him, right in his stupid little face.
 * Louie: (laughing) Oh my god! That's awful!
 * Pamela: I know...
 * Louie: Oh my god!
 * Pamela: I know?
 * Louie: (laughs) Jesus!
 * Pamela: All right, so- what's yours?
 * Louie: Oh, uh... I don't know, I'm drawing a blank.
 * Pamela: C'mon.
 * Louie: I can't think of anything.
 * Pamela: That's not fair! You're a piece of shit. You're gonna make me burn in hell alone?
 * Louie: Nonononono, okay, uh... (deep in thought) bad...
 * Pamela: What? Hurry!
 * Louie: Okay, okay, okay, all right. You know what? ... I was thinking that... on Jane's... eighteenth birthday, right? That's the day I stop being a dad. Of children. Officially.
 * Pamela: Mm-hmm...
 * Louie: Like the day I just, I just, become a guy. Not "daddy". I just become, just some dude. ... I think on that day... I might kill myself.
 * (beat)
 * Pamela: (snorts, laughs) Oh my god! Please, do it now! Oh my god, you're the biggest bummer I ever met! I hate you! (lies back) Oh, I'm having so much fun. (falls asleep)

Joan [2.4]

 * Joan Rivers: Listen. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but... it doesn't get better. You get better.

Subway/Pamela [2.6]

 * Pamela: Kick a jesus in the face, this is delicious.

New Jersey/Airport [2.13]

 * Louie: Give me a shot.
 * Bartender: A shot of what?
 * Louie: A shot of whiskey.
 * Bartender: What kind of whiskey?
 * Louie: I don't know, brown liquid that makes people feel different than if they didn't drink it.

Telling Jokes/Set Up [3.2]

 * Louie: Hey, what are you doing?
 * Laurie: I'm gonna put out. Let me blow you.
 * Louie: Seriously?
 * Laurie: No, it's a hidden-camera show. Come on, get that thing out.
 * Louie: Okay.


 * Laurie: Lick it or I'll break your finger!
 * Louie: Okay, okay.

Late Show Part 1 [3.10]

 * Lars Tardigan: Let me offer you a proposal: you go back to New York. You get in shape, you lose about forty pounds. I get you with Jackie Dahl - he's my main city man. He works with you and then, in about two months, we do a test show.
 * Louie: A test show?
 * Lars Tardigan: Jack will get you a small studio. You know, you'll do a monologue, you'll do a couple of interviews and if the test is good, I'll put you on the air. And then if you're a hit, everyone will think I'm a genius and I'll have saved the network about twelve million dollars. If America hates you, no one's going to blame me. We'll hire Jerry Seinfeld to do the show, no harm, no foul. But you'll take the heat on all that. You're gonna crack your head on the ceiling, and you're gonna go down. Probably for good. (stands) Look Louie, we're talking about the big game here, so forgive me if I use big terms. Here's the reality. In ten years you're going to be teaching comedy in a community college to support your kids and falling asleep to The Late Show with Jerry Seinfeld. You're circling failure in a rapidly decaying orbit.  That's the reality as we talk now.  But you can change that.  It's in your power to change that.  Yes, you'll have to work hard.  You'll have to do things you haven't done before and still your chances are very slim.  But you could change it. I'm going to ask you one more time: David Letterman is retiring. You want his job?

New Years Eve [3.13]

 * Louie: [after dropping parts to fix his daughters doll] Shit on my Fathers Balls!

So Did the Fat Lady [4.4]

 * Vanessa: Louie, you know what the meanest thing is you can say to a fat girl? "You're not fat." I mean, come on, buddy.
 * Louie: I'm sorry.
 * Vanessa: It just sucks. It really really sucks. You have no idea. And the worst part is, I'm not even supposed to do this.
 * Louie: Do what?
 * Vanessa: Tell anyone how bad it sucks, because it's too much for people. I mean, you, you can talk into the microphone and say you can't get a date, you're overweight, and it's adorable. But if I say it, they call the suicide hotline on me. I mean, can I just say it? I'm fat. It sucks to be a fat girl. Can people just let me say it? It sucks. It really sucks. And I'm going to go ahead and say it. It's your fault.
 * Look, I really like you. You're truly a good guy, I think. I'm so sorry. I'm picking you. On behalf of all the fat girls, I'm making you represent all the guys. Why do you hate us so much? What is is about the basics of human happiness, feeling attractive, feeling loved, having guys chase after us, that's just not in the cards for us? Nope. Not for us. How is that fair? And why am I supposed to just accept it?
 * Louie: You know, Vanessa, you're a very, really beautiful—
 * Vanessa: Come on. If I was a very, really beautiful, then you would have said yes when I asked you out. I mean, come on, Louie, be honest here. You know what's funny? I flirt with guys all the time. And I mean the great looking ones, like, the really high-caliber studs? They flirt right back, no problem. Because they know their status will never be questioned. But guys like you never flirt with me, because you get scared that maybe you should be with a girl like me.
 * And why not? You know, if you were standing over there looking at us, you know what you'd see?
 * Louie: What?
 * Vanessa: That we totally match. We're actually a great couple together. And yet, you would never date a girl like me.
 * Louie: That's not true.
 * Vanessa: Yes, it is. Have you ever dated a girl that was heavier than you? Have you?
 * Louie: Yes I have, yes I have.
 * Vanessa: No no no, I didn't say "have you ever fucked a fat girl?" Louie. I'm sure you have. Every guy has. I mean, when I met you, if I had said, "Hey, do you want to go to the bathroom and screw on a big can of peaches?" you would have gone for it. No, I'm saying, have you ever dated a fat girl. Have you ever kissed a fat girl? Have you ever wooed a fat girl? Have you ever held hands with a fat girl? Have you ever walked down the street in the light of day, holding hands, with a big girl like me?
 * Go ahead. Hold my hand. What do you think is going to happen? You think your dick's going to fall off if you hold hands with a fat girl? You know what the sad thing is? It's all I want. I mean, I can get laid. Any woman who is willing can get laid. I don't want that. I don't even need a boyfriend or a husband. All I want is to hold hands with a nice guy, and walk and talk...
 * [Louie grabs her hand]

Pamela Part 3 [4.14]

 * Pamela: How is your ex-wife black?
 * Louie: What, I can't marry a black woman?
 * Pamela: You can marry a green elephant. The question is, how the hell is she the mother of those almost translucent white girls of yours?
 * Louie: Oh, her mom is white.
 * Pamela: Oh, well, then, her mom must have had those kids, because Janet is not their mom.
 * Louie: Yes... yes, she is.
 * Pamela: Did you see them being born? Did you see those little white babies come out of her juicy black pussy? Because I think she stole them.


 * Pamela: I know you want me to say things and act a way. And it's not that I don't feel certain...ugh. Look, I want to do what you want, but I just can't. There are some things that I just can't do. So...is it okay...that we're here? I want to be here. We're in a tub. We like each other. Can this just be okay?

Cast

 * Louis C.K. - Himself