Lucy, the Daughter of the Devil

Lucy, The Daughter of the Devil (2005 – 2007) is a computer-animated cartoon aired by Cartoon Network.

Theme Song
I wouldn't if I was you. I know what you can do. Shes deadly man and she could really rip your world apart Mind over matter The beauty is there but the beast is in her heart Oh, here she comes Watch out boy she'll chew you up Oooh, here she comes She's a man eater Man eater! (Hall and Oates -- Maneater)

He's Not the Messiah, He's a DJ (Pilot) [1.1]
Student 1: Look at the rack on Lucy

(Student 1 is attacked by a dog)

Student 1: Ah my face!

Student 2: I didn't know we could bring dogs to school.

 Lucy: Did you just call art stupid? Dad?

Devil: No.

Lucy: Yes you did!

Devil: Art is not stupid Lucy. I gotta go.

 Pilot: How you doin' folks? This is your captain speaking. Just wanted to let you know as soon as we get done here. We are going to begin the movie on this flight which is Legally Blonde 2. You can uh find the audio on channel 11 and if you get a chance also take a look out your window because pretty soon I'm going to fly this plane straight down and drive as deep down into the ocean as I can. Your mother sucks (beep)s in hell, praise Satan.

Co-Pilot: Hey folks this is the co-pilot speakin'. Umm if there's an exorcist or a priest on board could you uhh identify yourself to a member of the flight crew. Uhh sure would appreciate it. Kinda need you to do that right away if you could. Once again you can find the audio for Legally Blonde 2 on channel 11.

 Devil: But it's funner to say letters.

Becky: Yes it is fun for you.

Devil: Do one.

Becky: Ok how's it going with the A.C.

Devil: The Air Conditioning?

Becky: See this is what I mean.

Devil: What's the A.C.?

Becky: Anti Christ! 

Devil: I paid for your stupid art school, didn't I? And I got you a dog. A hypo-allergenic dog, mind you, because you're allergic.

 Senator Whitehead: You're playing it pretty cool with me. Very, "get out of my face". Very "I'm not impressed with your power and money".

Lucy: You are an enormous douche bag!

Escapeoke [1.2]
 Sister Mary: The glass eye of St. Augustine! We can find and destroy the Antichrist.

Special Father #1: Eh, how much for this?

Man: $7000

Special Father #1: Hmm, that's a little steep...

(Sister Mary shoots Man repeatedly)

Special Father #1: Sister no...This is why I hate shopping with you two.

 DJ Jesús: I want to push DJing. I want it to be more than DJing, and also less than DJing. That's why I started incorporating nearicles into my set. Nearicles are like almost miracles. You get close, but it's not quite there. It's, it's a nearicle.

 DJ Jesús: Now I don't know you do I? We've never met before?

Woman: No.

DJ Jesús: Is your name Delilah?

Woman: No.

DJ Jesús: Oh. Seriously? I'm usually good at this. Is this your phone number? (Doves crap out number on pavement)

Woman: Oh my God, how'd you do that?

DJ Jesús: I'll call you and tell you later. When we are fucking.

Woman: You're not gonna fuck me.

(Phone rings)

DJ Jesús: Hello? Open your eyes. It's me on top of you, fucking you.

 Special Father #1: At the time, we were also blind to the most horrible secret of all: the Devil's unholy move into the casual after-work style bar and grill business.

 Devil: Oh, I'm ordering your Tequila Sally's uniform. So what are you, a ten?

Lucy: A ten?!

Devil: Twelve?

Lucy: Oh my, oh my God, I'm a six.

Devil: Mmmm, I don't think so. I mean really? Ah, maybe I don't know women's clothing.

Lucy: I think maybe you don't. Or women's body types, because there's no universe in which I am a twelve.

Devil: Okay, Lucy. I don't want to order you a six and then you're gonna tell me, a week after I get it for you, I need a ten. Or I need a twelve.

Lucy: That's not gonna happen.

Devil: Alright, so between now and the time the six comes in, you should lose twenty pounds.

 Opening song: I don't want to go to sleep. Lucy won't you come with me. Let's go paint the town red, Let's go paint the town red. All these people bother me, let's go on a killing spree. Let's go paint the town red.

 Lucy: Hey, you know what would be horribly bad and tacky?

Devil: What's that?

Lucy: Karaoke.

Devil: ...I love karaoke.

 DJ Jesús: A restaurant chain? That's the belly of the beast man. That's awesome. We'll shoot it for the DVD, and we won't just do karaoke, we'll do Escape-Ee-Oke.

 DJ Jesús: Hey you smell something? Yeah you smell it, right Judas? Yeah, it smells like fish. Yeah, like right behind (reaches to side of Lucy's head and pulls back arm with a platter of fish in his hand) your ear. Stay for dinner?

Judas: Whoa! Pulled out the platter of fish. Dude, cameraman, tell me you got that.

 Sister Mary: Glass eye of St. Augustine, find the Antichrist. (eye on chain swivels and looks at Special Father #1) I knew it! It's you! You're the Antichrist!

Special Father #1: What? What are you talking about...no.

Sister Mary: Your weird accent and your fancy shoes with your swagger.

Special Father #2: Pardoné. Sister. Excuse me, sister it's the poster! (poster for Tequila Sally's is next to Special Father #1) The eye isa lookin' at the poster.

Special Father #1: Ha, ha. I knew it.

Sister Mary: Oh my God. I am so sorry. You just carry yourself in a way that I...

 Devil: What's the matter Becky, huh!? You don't like singing and fun? Everyone else here does! Okay, wet blanket!

<hr width=50%/> Animatronic Talking Burrito: Holy chimichanga! I'm goin' outta my man-ga!

<hr width=50%/> Judas: All right now, someone from the audience will sing 'Shadows of the Night' by Pat Benatar, while DJ Jesus attempts to free himself before the song is over. And if he doesn't, he will be lowered into a pit...of vipers!

<hr width=50%/> Special Father #2: You know, I would split nachos.

Special Father #1: I'm not supposed to eat cheese.

Special Father #2: You're not supposed to eat cheese? Why not?

Special Father #1: No, it's like an irritable bowel...

Sister Mary: Fathers!

Dildo Factory [1.3]
<hr width=50%/> Special Father #1: When archaeologists unearthed the Black Sea Shrimp Forks, the Vatican arranged for them to be sent to us in San Francisco. These forks are part of the legendary Last Serving Set, and one of the few utensils in the world that can pierce the heart of the Antichrist.

Special Father #1: (on phone) No, no, no I appre..I appreciate that you overnighted them, Your Holiness. Yes I know it's expensive. They're two thousand years old, I know, I know. What can I say, this is, this is ah, this is my fault. We went to yoga, and we had to sign up and it was a whole, it was our fault...Anyway, tomorrow, we'll make sure that someone will be here to sign for them.

<hr width=50%/> Becky: According to our studies, if the people of the world masturbate just eight percent more, civilization will collapse.

Becky: We feel that men can't possibly masturbate more, but women, women can.

Devil: Yeah, especially her. Translate that.

<hr width=50%/> Devil: Hello?

Lucy: Hey it's me. I need to borrow a hundred and eighty dollars. I wanna take a pottery class.

Devil: Um, I can't really hear you, but I heard dollars, so...No!

Lucy: Where are you?

Devil: Oh, I'm at my dildo factory.

Lucy: You have a dildo factory?

Devil: Yeah, of course. Sinsperations.

Lucy: I know Sinsperations!

Devil: You do?

Lucy: Yeah, I actually wrote a letter to them once. I had this amazing idea for a...

Devil: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Daddy doesn' wanna hear Baby's ideas about dildos.

Lucy: No, it's a vibrator. It's the one...

Devil: No, no, no. I don't want to hear this. Thank you, no.

Lucy: Dad! So prudish! I'm a big, big masturbator. I thought you knew that about me. It's kinda my thing.

Devil: Bye.

Lucy: You know what, I would love to come in and do product testing.

Devil: Bye, I shut my phone.

Lucy: Oh, do you have a Bring your Daughter to Work Day?

<hr width=50%/> Security Guard: Police! Come out of there.

Lucy: Are you talking to me?

Security Guard: Yes... Is that a Dildo in your pocket?

Lucy: No, I'm just happy to see you.

Security Guard: Hey I've heard that one.

Lucy: I just need one...

Security Guard: Every shoplifter makes that same joke.

Lucy: This is my dad's company! I am not a shoplifter!

<hr width=50%/> DJ Jesús: We want your Dad to make a dildo of me breaking the world record for holding my arms out. We're gonna auction it off on holdingmyarmsout.com.

Judas: I'd buy it...For my Mom! (silence) Ah. For your Mom! Woo!

<hr width=50%/> Special Father #2: For two minutes I'm inna the bathroom and the guy comes! It's not my fault!

Sister Mary: Oh, I doubt it was two minutes. He reads US Magazine cover to cover in there!

<hr width=50%/> Delivery Center Guy: (examining ID) I don't even know what this, what is Vatican City Special Father status?

Special Father #1: (sighs) I am a Special Father of the Vatican, Vatican City.

Delivery Center Guy: You gotta passport?

Special Father #1: This is better than a passport.

Delivery Center Guy: I need a passport or a US Driver's License.

Special Father #1: (sighs) This is ridiculous. I can get in to see the Pope with this, but I can't pick up a fucking package? This is bullshit.

Sister Mary: You know who gives these out? God gives these out. Who did your background check, asshole?

<hr width=50%/> Becky: (holding up dildo) Here's to Lucy and her horrible dildo!

Devil: You know what, I don't wanna cheer with dildos.

Becky: What's the problem, that one hasn't been used.

Devil: That one has? Ughh.

Becky and Devil: Awkward.

Temptasia [1.4]
<hr width=50%/> DJ Jesús: Ah, this is a mountain?

Becky: It's a small mountain slash hill.

Devil: It's a mill. How would you say it?

DJ Jesús: I would probably not do it like that, I would probably say a himalountain.

Devil: Heh. Which is longer than...the whole purpose of smooshing would be to shorten the...

DJ Jesús: Is that the whole purpose, or is it to have fun?

Devil: That's the most awkward way to do it.

Becky: Wow one quarter scale diesel cog railway. Who's on board, guys? Chugga, chugga! Come on!

Devil: Chugga Chugga?

DJ Jesús: My problem is that you like to impose your opinion on how I want to do things.

Devil: What? What? No I would not.

DJ Jesús: You would do mill, I would do himalountain. The end.

Devil: I agree with you, I'm saying I agree with you.

DJ Jesús: The end.

Devil: What do you mean the end? It's not the end.

DJ Jesús: The end. You have your opinion, I have mine, so what else is there to talk about?

<hr width=50%/> Special Father #2: What is with your tongue?

Special Father #1: I ah, found some mushrooms in the backpack and I ate them. And now I'm starting to feel a little bit...

Special Father #2: Oh, gimme some.

Special Father #1: They're all gone, I ate them all. Take these.

(Special Father #2 swallows pills)

Sister Mary: Don't eat that! Spit it! (Grabs Special Father #2 and prys open his mouth) Spit it! You! Mr. Bad Influence!

Special Father #1: They were in the backpack.

Sister Mary: What's wrong with you?

Special Father #1: You don't run my life!

Sister Mary: You're becoming a drug addict!

Special Father #1: You're ruining Burning Man for me!

<hr width=50%/> DJ Jesùs: I don't know, it's just not my thing.

Devil: What, it's just what?

DJ Jesús: Well first of all, I mean, you know, these ladies are kind of old.

Devil: Not all of them. Let's go out on the patio, we'll find some baby tigers! Ariel, Brooke, Granny, Ethel, Sadie, Sonia, Navy Seal Nancy-we're goin' out on the patio. Please join us and bring some hard lemonade.

<hr width=50%/> DJ Jesús: Get behind me Satan!

Devil: What? What'd you say?

DJ Jesús: I said get behind me, you and Betsy!

Becky: Becky!

DJ Jesús: I'll shield you from the sand! I've got glasses on, we can try to make it inside!

Devil: Alright, great, but don't say get behind me, I've got a thing about that.

DJ Jesús: Okay. But seriously dude, if you like these chicks, yah gotta check out Burning Man, it's like Sodom and Gomorrah. It's all glitter and body paint, no one wears clothes!

Terry the Teratoma [1.5]
<hr width=50%/> Devil: A teratoma is a tumor that grows teeth and hair. It's the most disgusting thing in the world.

Becky: Yeah.

Devil: And, I'd like to introduce you. Becky, this is Terry.

Terry: Hello Becky.

<hr width=50%/> Devil: It sounds like me because it's part of me. It's my genetic material but concentrated into like a ball of teeth and hair.

Becky: Wow.

Terry: Yeah, and I have more hair.

Devil: Hey, at least I don't have a lisp.

Terry: Do I have a lisp?

Devil: Well, a little.

Terry: Shut up Satan.

Becky: This is like the worst ventriloquist act I have ever seen.

<hr width=50%/> Special Father #1: But the forces of light can spread too. Spread like good news. In this case, the good news was a young DJ's delightful debut novel that combined the Christian allegory of Chronicles of Narnia with the folksy wisdom of Tuesday's With Morrie.

<hr width=50%/> DJ Jesús: Lucy, nothing in the book is meant to be taken literally.

Lucy: But it is literal! It's about me and you, and things we've done together.

DJ Jesús: Right, but it's not meant to be taken literally.

Lucy: You changed one letter in my name.

DJ Jesús: Yes, her name is Lacy, and she's tall and thin which you are not.

Lucy: Are you trying to hurt me?

DJ Jesús: Of course not, why would I do that, I love you.

Lucy: Aww.

DJ Jesús: You are welcome.

<hr width=50%/> Becky: That book is a big problem.

Devil: Don't worry about it. I already posted a bad review on Amazon.com

Becky: That's not enough!

<hr width=50%/> Sister Mary: Umm I don't know how to say this so I'm just gonna say it. I think it's best if you don't come to book group.

Special Father #1: Oh, is that so?

Special Father #2: Wait, there's a book group?

Sister Mary: Yeah, sorry I just...I don't know if you're the right for the group. Like, I think you're a great guy, but I just don't know if it like works.

Special Father #1: Well that's funny because Sister Louisa called me last night.

Sister Mary: Oh she did?

Special Father #2: You guys have a book group?

Special Father #1: Yes, she did. She's forming a new group. And she invited me to join it. And she asked me to ask you, not to come.

Sister Mary: I see.

Special Father #1: She was uncomfortable I think. I think you have kind of a masculine energy. Which rubs people the wrong way.

Sister Mary: Masculine?!

Special Father #1: Well yes, for a group like that. They're nuns but they're still women, you know so...

Sister Mary: What do I have a penis?

Special Father #1: Nooo, not necessarily.

Sister Mary: I don't. Look. (lifts up skirt of habit and flashes the fathers)Looky here!

Special Father #1: Uh, yes, okay, but how do I know that it's not taped behind?

Sister Mary: I have not tucked a penis behind my legs!

<hr width=50%/> Devil: Well, here's the deal. I don't want you to think that he's replacing you.

Lucy: I don't.

Devil: Just because he's been doing most of the stuff you're supposed to do.

Lucy: He has? Like what kinda stuff?

Devil: Like work stuff. For like, for me. Like making me proud. Which you choose not to do.

<hr width=50%/> Lucy: I mean, since Terry, I've never seen more of you. You've been here like every day for like two weeks.

Devil: Well, I'm, that's because I...

Lucy: I personally think he's replacing you. I mean, didn't you used to have a job?

Devil: What? That's ridiculous, Lucy. You're just bitter that your boyfriend wrote a bestseller about you and then dumped you.

Lucy: It's an allegory. And he didn't dump me. He's just been busy with casting, and the film, and scouting locations.

DJ Jesús: See, isn't it perfect? It's so corny and stupid and inauthentic. I mean, you can't fake this!

<hr width=50%/> Devil: Jesús, hey I've done a little bit of acting here and there, and I would love to play myself in your movie, if I could. I mean, you're gonna shoot here, I'm gonna be here.

DJ Jesús: No can do. Your part is gonna be CG.

Devil: CG, that sucks.

DJ Jesús: Well you can be an extra, how bout that?

Devil: Okay.

DJ Jesús: I'll talk to Budget, maybe we can get you a line.

<hr width=50%/> Devil: Becky, where have you been, I've been trying to reach...Oh. Hey Terry.

Terry: Satan.

Devil: Were you guys somewhere together?

Terry and Becky at the same time: Yeah, we had a meeting/ No I was at the gym.

Devil: That's weird, you just said two different things.

<hr width=50%/> Lucy: Hey, what are you doing back here?

Devil: Oh, I was giving Terry a tour.

Lucy: Where's Terry?

Devil: Ah, I put him in the deep fryer.

Lucy: Well, that's good timing because DJ Jesús just ordered up a veggie burger.

Devil: Lucy. Evil.

Human Sacrifice [1.6]
<hr width=50%/> Satanists: Praise Satan!

Man in cage: (as he is dropped into a flaming pit) Aieee!

Satan: (opening door) Sorry I'm late! Holy shit it's hot in here. I brought Pinot Grigio. Where can I chill this?

<hr width=50%/>

Special Father #1: (VO) Worshipers believe that a blood sacrifice secures for them their selfish desires and an audience with their dark prince.

Satanist #1: Hey that's a great sweater.

Satan: Thanks a lot.

Satanist #2: Yeah, it's so Cosby.

<hr width=50%/>

Senator Whitehead: Just wanted to let you know that we're on schedule to announce my candidacy for President. Friday night! The big sacrifice at Bohemian Grove!

Satan: Ugh. Two sacrifices in one week?

Senator Whitehead: Master, you have to come! I mean, this one is just like friends and family, but Friday's the real one.

<hr width=50%/>

Senator Whitehead: Hey, uh any requests for who we should sacrifice?

Satan: I don't know. Don't you usually do that? I just show up.

<hr width=50%/>

Lucy: Why do you want to invite my boyfriend somewhere?

Satan: I want to invite him to like a guy's only barbecue. I want to get to know him.

Lucy: Oh. Like a bonding kinda thing?

Satan: Yes exactly. Build a fire in the woods, get all undressed. Yell at the sky!

Lucy: All right, it's getting less appealing, so why don't I just give you the number.

<hr width=50%/>

DJ Jesús: Look, if you've got it, flaunt it. Sandals are like bikinis for your feet.

<hr width=50%/>

Senator Whitehead: I gotta tell ya, this is not just any event. Imagine the most amazing dance party, slash orgy, slash political summit on the planet.

DJ Jesús: Okay, I'm imagining that.

Senator Whitehead: Did you see Eyes Wide Shut?

DJ Jesús: Yes, I did see that.

Senator Whitehead: It's like that, but Alan Greenspan will be there. And Bono.

<hr width=50%/>

Special Father #2: (holding up puppy dog mask) Hey! I lika thisa one!

Special Father #1: Nooo! It's not Trick-or-Treat. It's a very specific kind of mask

Sales Clerk: For an orgy?

Special Father #1: (frustrated) Yes! For an orgy!

Sister Mary: (putting on purple gorilla mask) I would wear this to an orgy.

Special Father #2: You know what, I'da wear it to an orgy too.

<hr width=50%/>

Becky: That's what you've been working on all day? Poop jokes?

Satan: Yeah. What's wrong with that? Becky, you go poop. I know you do.

<hr width=50%/>

Satan: Reggie, you need a hook, right? I don't just have that one joke I told you, I thought up a whole bunch about poop.

Reggie: (weakly) Oh, yeah?

Satan: Yeah, you're gonna be Reggie the Poop Guy, the Shit Comedian. What's your last name?

Reggie: Goldstein.

Satan: You'll be like Reggie 'I'm taking a shit' Goldstein.

<hr width=50%/>

Lucy: Um, I'm just going to a thing for my Dad. Some political thing. Boring. What are you doing?

DJ Jesús: Oh nothing, uh, just some gig, uh, a bar mitzvah. It's not an orgy.

Lucy: What? Did you just say it's not an orgy? That's so weird why would you say that? Why would you explicitly say it's not an orgy?

DJ Jesús: Uh, I'm losing you Luce.

Lucy: It's not the kind of thing that comes up every day.

DJ Jesús: No, I can't hear you, what you just said. I'm gonna call you later.

<hr width=50%/>

Satan: We celebrate the quest for power. We desecrate with blood and fire!

Minions: Praise Satan!

Satan: But first, please put your hands together for our opening act. You've seen him on Premium Blend. Folks, please welcome the very funny Reggie Goldstein!

<hr width=50%/>

Special Father #1: No, we're going in circles. (pause) Is someone doing comedy?

Sister Mary: These people are monsters!

Reggie: Ah, you ever take a shit so big you take a photo of it?

<hr width=50%/>

The Busboy [1.7]
<hr width=50%/>

Senator Whitehead: I need you to give my fuck-up son a job. It can be anything; I just need him tucked away somewhere during the campaign. He's a registered sex offender. Did you know that?

Satan: Uh, I'm not surprised. I mean look at him.

<hr width=50%/>

Satan: I'm sorry. I'm on the South Beach diet. And it makes me a little edgy. Not to mention I have hygiene issues. When someone goes (blows raspberry) and it's not me, that's not hygienic.

<hr width=50%/>

Tad: Hey, you see that lady over there? She got the Chimmy-changa, but she only ate half.

Lucy: Good to know.

Tad: She left over a lot of guacamole.

Lucy: She sure did.

Tad: Mmmm, she left over a lot. It's still warm.

Lucy: Okay.

Tad: You're nice.

Lucy: Uh, thanks?

Tad: Well, better get this stuff into the kitchen.

Lucy: Okay.

Tad: 'Cause I'm gonna fuck it.

<hr width=50%/>

Becky: Well, I'm on the Sex Offenders' web site, so what do you want to do?

Satan: Wow, look at that. You can see them on the map?

Becky: Yeah, you haven't seen this? And look, you click on one of those dots, and it brings up his mug shot. It's like the worst online dating site in the world.

<hr width=50%/>

Satan: That's funny, too, Becky! You're having fun at work!

Becky: Fun?

Satan: Yes!!

Becky: Yeah, I guess...

Satan: You WERE Becky... don't take it back.

Becky: I guess. No, this is... this is fun.

Satan: Don't do that, don't itch your neck...

<hr width=50%/>

Judas: Lucy's taking a long time with that food, huh?

DJ Jesùs: Well, for Lucy, service is not about speed, it's about power.

Judas: Wow, that's deep man. You should write that down.

DJ Jesús: Already did. In my brain diary.

<hr width=50%/>

Tad: I'm going to...work on my meat.

Lucy: (tied up in the walk-in freezer) Um, what are you doing that for?

Tad: You're a little heavier than I thought.

Lucy: It's the way I'm sitting!

Tad: I tell ya, there's nothing like working from a live model.

Lucy: You know, it's not easy to sit up straight.

Tad: Yeah, but could ya?

<hr width=50%/>

The Special Fathers Vs. The Vampire Altar Boys [1.8]
<hr width=50%/>

Special Father #1: Ohh I see a penis. A captive subject to study in detail and test new methods on.

Nightshade: Uh, well that's a good idea too. I was just thinking of it more like a pet. My friend has a python and he was like 'And I have a python,' and I'm like 'Oh, yeah you should come over to my place some time,' and he came over and I was like 'Vampire!'

Special Father #1: Wow, you are a real nerd.

<hr width=50%/>

Nightshade: The most deadly assassin nun the Catholic Church has ever produced. You need no introduction.

Sister Mary: Thanks kid, but why don't you take your lips off my ass and just tell me who to kill.

Nightshade: Woah, woah, woah, Sister. I like your spirit, let me just give you a quickie primer, okay? First of all, as I'm sure the Special Fathers will tell you, hunting vampires...well, forget everything you've seen in the movies. It's all bunk!

Sister Mary: Sunlight?

Nightshade: Oh, no, actually sunlight is real. Sunlight can kill a vampire, but...

Sister Mary: Stakes in the heart?

Nightshade: Well, uh, yeah. Hold on, uh, let me give you my spiel, okay?

<hr width=50%/>

Nightshade: Garlic? Just a mild food allergy. If you want to give a vampire the runs, cook them ziti with some garlic sauce.

Sister Mary: Good to know. Get ready to shit, vampires!

<hr width=50%/>

Special Father #1: And Father Murphy, how long did he serve here?

New Priest/Survivor of Vampire Attack: Just a week.

Special Father #1: They just kept sending priests.

Sister Mary: Like staying in and ordering take-out.

<hr width=50%/>

Sister Mary: Aaaahh! Do I taste good to you? Well your strange immoral blood doesn't taste good to me! You can't make me drink your androgynous yet powerful juices.

Vampire Altarboy: We're not trying to!

Sister Mary: Well good, 'cause I don't want it!

Vampire Altarboy: Then we agree!

Sister Mary: Yes, finally! We agree to agree.

Vampire Altarboy: We'll just agree to agree then. You bleed and die, we drink your blood.

Sister Mary: No!

Vampire Altarboy: Less talking, more dying.

Sister Mary: No, more talking, less dying.

Vampire Altarboy: Just shut up and die.

Sister Mary: No, let's keep talking. Have you seen any movies lately?

<hr width=50%/>

Nightshade: (holding fluorescent light and killing vampires): High alpha, full spectrum, baby! Forty-two hundred lumens! <hr width=50%/>

Dreamster [1.9]
<hr width=50%/>

Satan (on infomercial): Call now to take advantage of this special offer! (speaking quietly and quickly) Side effects may include drowsiness, nightmares, and psychotic episodes. If you die in your dreams, you die in real life.

<hr width=50%/>

Bimbo #1: I love that track, what is it?

DJ Jesús: That's ah, Himalayan yak herders.

Bimbo #2: That's so cool.

Judas: Yak herders! Those guys sure know how to party! Wooo!

<hr width=50%/>

Lucy: You encourage them!

DJ Jesús: Lucy, I'm a DJ. Having a girl sexy-dance right next to me is part of the job. It's like if I was a construction worker and you said to me: 'I don't like how there's always cement hanging around you.' Or if I was a baker, okay, and you'd be like 'What's with all the yeast?'

Lucy: I get it, I get it. Okay, how 'bout this, if you want to be with me, you can't be a ridiculous manslut, how 'bout that?

DJ Jesús: Yeah, that's fine. But I'm starting to get a little claustrophobic, so...

Lucy: What?! Claustrophobic! I give you your space, all I ask is this one thing!

DJ Jesús: No, no, no, not in the relationship, I mean, literally in this closet. It's a tiny space for two people so if we...

Lucy: How can you be claustrophobic, you're an escape artist.

DJ Jesús: All escape artists are claustrophobic, that's why we want to escape.

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Satan: I'm Dr. Franz Weiner. I want you to tell me about your fears.

DJ Jesús: Are you a therapist?

Satan: Sort of.

DJ Jesús: You know who you remind me of? Freddy Krueger.

Satan: Why?

DJ Jesús: Because of your sweater and your lumpy skin.

Satan: I don't have lumpy skin! Alright, fine. Let's just focus on you, Jesús, and your fears.

DJ Jesús: Hey, you're like Freud-y Krueger!

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DJ Jesús: Oh, hey Lucy. Wow, I just had the wildest dream and you were in it! And you Judas! And you Skanky Girl! And Skanky Girl's Friend, you were there too! And Crazy Shirt, you were all there.

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Satan's School for Girls [1.10]
<hr width=50%/>Blasphemy

Monster [1.11]
<hr width=50%/> Judas: Dude! You're naked!

Senator Whitehead: Yes, I woke up naked on the docks and I decided to come straight to work.

Judas: Nice dick!

Senator Whitehead: Thank you

Judas: What I'd give for half of that. DJ Jay, spit some beats for that politicians dick