M*A*S*H (season 5)


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M*A*S*H (1972-1983) was an American television series, airing on CBS, about a team of doctors and nurses stationed at a fictional U.S. Army hospital (unit number 4077) in Korea, during the Korean War in 1950-53. The series spanned 251 episodes and lasted almost four times as long as the war which served as its setting. The series was based on the 20th Century-Fox film M*A*S*H (an acronym for Mobile Army Surgical Hospital), a big hit of 1970 which was based in turn on the book of the same name.

Bug Out

 * Colonel Potter: You people...
 * [The phone rings in the distance]
 * Radar: [running off] I'll get...
 * Colonel Potter: Get the phone, Radar. You people have been panicking over a rumor which says that the 4077th is bugging out. That is grade-A 100% bull cookies! You service people should know by now that scuttlebutt is as common as cooties in your skivvies! My apologies to those among us of the feminine gland and to our resident celibate, Father Mulcahy.
 * Mulcahy: Thank you, sir.
 * Colonel Potter: My pleasure, Now you take World War II. My unit got the word that Nazis, dressed as Eskimos, had overrun Seattle. Incredible as it seems, half my unit believed it and began hoarding canned salmon. Now then, I have spoken personally to General Hamilton at Headquarters. I've known Bink Hamilton for going on thirty years. I am the godfather of his grandson, Sherman Potter Hamilton! Fifteen years old and can name 24 of the 48 states. Already has an appointment to West Point. The general has assured me there is nothing to worry about. M*A*S*H 4077 is definitely [Radar returns and hands the message to Potter, who reads...] bugging out in three hours! [Pause] BUG OUT!


 * [A soldier loads the toilet seats into a truck]
 * Frank: If I get splinters, I'll have your stripes.
 * Soldier: I'm a private.
 * Frank: Don't pull rank on ME!


 * Hawkeye: [hearing an explosion] Is today the Fourth of July?
 * Margaret: September.
 * Hawkeye: Just a wild hope.

Margaret's Engagement

 * BJ: Frank, weren't you a Boy Scout?
 * Frank: Yes. I was. Later, I was Scoutmaster.
 * Hawkeye: Until those little ingrates set fire to his pants.
 * Frank: Not true. That was a drill.


 * Frank: I'm fine, Mom. Well actually, I'm not. You see, I had this friend. And this friend only pretended to like me. You know, the way Dad used to?


 * Frank: Yeah. I thought I'd hit the town with that new nurse.
 * Margaret: You mean the little red-headed one with the freckles on her nose?
 * Frank: Yeah, that one.
 * Margaret: Don't you think she's a bit young for you?
 * Frank: (smugly) Well, yeah. I just thought that a little youth would be nice for a change.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

 * Frank: Pierce, you disgust me!
 * Hawkeye: That's right, Frank. I discussed you with everyone I know. They all think you're disgusting.


 * Radar: [reading Hawkeye's letter] Take care, son. We are connecting the dogs.
 * Hawkeye: That's "counting the days".
 * Radar: "We are counting the days. All my love..." Major Burns.
 * Hawkeye: What?
 * Radar: Major Burns, coming this way.

Lt. Radar O'Reilly

 * Radar (talking about his promotion): It just come right outta the blue!
 * Hawkeye: Nah, the way you've been lifting that barge, toting that bale.
 * BJ: Not getting drunk and landing in jail.
 * Hawkeye: Had to happen.
 * BJ: It was in the cards.

The Nurses

 * Margaret: Did you ever once show me any friendship? Ever ask my help in a personal problem? Include me in one of your little bull sessions? Can you imagine how it feels to walk by this tent and... [gasps and breaks down] hear you laughing and know that I'm not welcome? Did you ever offer me a lousy cup of coffee?
 * Nurse: We didn't think you'd accept.
 * Margaret: Well, you were wrong.

The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan

 * Frank: Any mindless baboon can see she's not here, including me!


 * Klinger: (as a Korean girl stares at his dress) This is what happens to you when you don't eat your vegetables.


 * Hawkeye: What happened?
 * BJ: Hop-a-long Ferret Face shot me!
 * (Later on)
 * Frank: Say, Beej, you're not gonna report me or anything, are you?
 * Hawkeye: Frank, stop acting like a sniveling idiot.
 * Frank: I'm not acting!
 * B.J.: Get away from me!
 * Frank: Just promise you won't tell on me and get me in trouble. Huh? Please? Pretty please?
 * Hawkeye: We promise, Frank.
 * Potter: What happened here?
 * Hawkeye: Frank shot B.J.
 * Frank: Tattletale! Stool pigeon! Fink! Indian giver!
 * Potter: How bad is it?
 * Hawkeye: Superficial. Fortunately, Frank's as good a marksman as he is a surgeon.
 * Burns: How's your horse, sir? When I was a kid, my daddy used to take me to the pony rides and---
 * Potter: (angrily) How did it happen, Burns?
 * Burns: You mean the, uh---?
 * Potter: Right!
 * Burns: I was cleaning my weapon and it discharged prematurely. Sir, I think the Chinese have captured Major Houlihan!
 * Potter: I see. So, naturally, you shot Captain Hunnicutt. (Radar giggles quietly)
 * Burns: Well, what's so funny, Corporal?
 * Radar: Sorry, sir.
 * Potter: Don't blame the boy Burns, He knows a good joke when he sees one.
 * Burns: Permission to look for Major Houlihan
 * Potter: Permission denied!
 * Burns: But I....
 * Potter: No!
 * Burns: I'll go wait in my tent!
 * Potter (disgusted) A mental pygmy!

 '[after Radar immediately recognizes Col. Flagg despite his elaborate outfit]
 * Colonel Sam Flagg: All right, pipsqueak, how'd you know it was me?
 * Radar: Well, sir, you don't look anything like yourself. And since you're a master of disguises, I figure only you could look that much not like you.
 * Flagg: I'll buy that. But if you cross me, you could get a "Number Eight."
 * Radar: (nervously) What's that?
 * Flagg: Have you ever heard of the Malaysian chest-implosion torture?
 * Radar: No.
 * Flagg: Good. Because there's no such thing. Yet.

Dear Sigmund

 * Frank: I happen to believe in the sanctity of marriage no matter how ugly or disgusting it gets. I'd kill her before I'd divorce her!

 
 * Sidney: Freud said that there is a link between anger and wit. Anger turned inwards is depression. Anger turned sideways is Hawkeye.
 * (Hawkeye and BJ have found Sidney's "Dear Sigmund" letter)
 * BJ: Sidney, you're a psychiatrist. Don't you think writing a letter to Sigmund Freud is a little crazy?
 * Sidney: Who better than he would understand?

Mulcahy's War

 * BJ: Some guys shoot themselves in the foot to get sent back home.
 * Klinger: Not me. I'd ruin a perfectly good pair of nylons.

The Korean Surgeon

 * Hawkeye: Maybe they'd be interested in an exchange. We could keep Paik and give them Frank.


 * Klinger: If anything happens, bury me in the blue chiffon!

Hawkeye Get Your Gun

 * Potter: If Frank Burns makes any more patronizing cracks about my age, I'll take him behind the motor pool and let the air out of his tires.


 * (both drunk, under fire, in a foxhole)
 * Potter: Fire that weapon!
 * Hawkeye: Fire it? I don't even like looking at it!
 * Potter: I said fire that weapon!
 * Hawkeye: All right. [to the gun] You're fired! [to Potter] I did it as gently as I could.
 * Potter: That was an order, Pierce.
 * Hawkeye: (snapping his fingers) Oh waiter, would you take this man's order, please?
 * Potter: Fire the gun Hawkeye.
 * Hawkeye: Look Colonel, I'll heal their wounds, treat their wounds, bind their wounds, but I will not inflict their wounds.
 * Potter: You can't just sit there.
 * Hawkeye: I may be sitting on the outside but I'm running on the inside.
 * Potter: You love life that little?
 * Hawkeye: I hate GUNS that much.

The Colonel's Horse

 * (talking about Frank)
 * BJ: Can't you do something?
 * Potter: Like sit him down and have a talk with him?
 * Hawkeye: No, like stand him up and have him shot.
 * Potter: Don't be absurd. There'd be an inquiry.


 * BJ: (regarding Sophie's condition) Too much dry grass, not enough water; she's got colic.
 * Radar: Ooh, that's serious!
 * Hawkeye: Colic?
 * BJ: He says it could kill her. Her intestines are blocked; we need to keep her on her feet so they don't twist. And...we gotta clean her out. Lots and lots of warm water.
 * Hawkeye: ...I think I'll stroll on up to the front and see how the shooting's going.


 * (a hose needs to be connected to the water tower)
 * Hawkeye: Hook this to the tap up there.
 * BJ: It looks awful high.
 * Hawkeye: Would you rather have this end?
 * BJ: (climbing) It's not so high.
 * Hawkeye: Upsy-daisy.
 * BJ: I love you Daddy.


 * (Hawkeye and BJ are removing Margaret's appendix.)
 * Frank: (Barging into the OR) Why wasn't I called?!
 * Potter: (Barking at Frank) Mask!
 * Frank: (angered) Well, I should be doing this surgery! I know Major Houlihan's appendix better than any of you guys!
 * Potter: Burns, she asked for Pierce.
 * Frank: I don't believe it!
 * Mulcahy: (quietly to Potter) Great deal of conflict here.
 * Potter: (quietly to Mulcahy) You said it, brother... uh, Father. (aloud, to Frank) Burns, she doesn't want you here!
 * Frank: I'm not leaving until I hear it from her own lips!
 * (BJ, about to put the anesthetic mask over Margaret's face, pauses)
 * Margaret: Listen to these lips, Frank. Get out!
 * Frank: She's delirious.
 * Margaret: (almost screaming) OUT!
 * (Potter pushes Frank out of the OR)
 * Frank: (angrily to Margaret) I hope you have a great big scar!

Exorcism

 * Margaret: You all know what day this is. Friday the 13th.
 * Frank: She's right, and--nah, doesn't mean a thing.
 * Hawkeye: Don't say that, Frank. I once spent Friday the 13th in a haunted house with a friend. I was never more frightened in my life.
 * Potter: You see a ghost?
 * Hawkeye: No, her husband materialized out of nowhere.

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 * BJ: My aunt once talked to the spirit of Sigmund Freud.
 * Frank: That's impossible!
 * BJ: Then how come he sent her a bill?

Hawk's Nightmare

 * Hawkeye: We're a bunch of pediatricians. Oh, except for you, Frank.
 * Frank: Oh? And what am I?
 * Hawkeye: Don't rush me, I'm still thinking about it.
 * Margaret: Clumsy oaf.
 * Hawkeye: No prompting from the studio audience.

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 * [Radar encounters Hawkeye while he is sleepwalking.]
 * Radar: Did you lose something, sir?
 * Hawkeye: Hi, Stinky,
 * Radar: [looks around] Uh, sir, that's the sorta name that kinda sticks with a fella. I'd appreciate it if you just call me by my given nickname.
 * Hawkeye: What's cookin', Dexter?
 * Radar: ... If those are my only choices, I guess I'll take "Stinky". It's got a little more pizazz.

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 * (Klinger and Radar watch Sidney play a game of imaginary basketball with Hawkeye)
 * Klinger: Is it any wonder I can't get a Section Eight? In this unit, if you want to be crazy, you gotta stand in line.

The Most Unforgettable Characters

 * Klinger: Who put gasoline in my gasoline?

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 * Radar: The friendly old sun showed his friendly hot face over the mountains of purple majesty as though he was salutating "Good morning to all." Alas, alack, the peaceful quietness was detonated by a herd of chopper transportizing punctured personnel. But our gallant doctors, the miracle medical mortals are ever ready to treat the sick. The wounded were aided copiously by super-smart surgeons whose knowledge is superseded by nobody I know. Together or apart, they work as a team. Skilled hands with their fingers work dedicatedly to keep death away from its maximum.
 * Potter: Radar what is this cow flubdubbery? All this "miracle medical mortals" hooey. What are you doing to my duty log?
 * Radar: I was just adding a hint of self-expression.

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 * Radar: The sun in its crimson radiance bids a crepuscular adieu to another day. Corporal Klinger was in his last grisly hour of guard duty little knowing the fate that destiny had planned up for him. The Chinese were giving up in hordes. Sergeant Fierman brought in three prisoners that he had captured after they had surrendered voluntarily. The sergeant bragadeered to Corporal Klinger that capturing prisoners meant points toward discharge and early homeward bounding. This information inspired Klinger a whole lot. The vainglorious corporal ran like a bird and sped off in quest of Chinese giver-uppers. But destiny exterminated his luck. The Chinese had not seen women in an overexcited period of time. Klinger barely escaped with his purity still clean and in the process, ruining his finest frockery. The corporal re-arrived with his dignity dented and his nonchalantness not so nifty.
 * Potter: Enough, boy! Enough! This whole unit is gonna get a Section Eight!

38 Across

 * Potter: (after Mulcahy blessed the food) Thank God for ketchup.
 * Radar: He just did.

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 * Potter: How can you see with those filthy glasses?
 * Radar: I know where everything is.
 * Potter: (seeing Klinger eat a piece of a jeep) "A" for effort Klinger but it's not gonna work.
 * Klinger: Watch this. (swallows the lugnut and smiles)
 * Radar: Oh wow right down.
 * Klinger: Dip it in a little 30 weight motor oil, pop it in and let it slide down the gullet like a blue point oyster.
 * Radar: Colonel he's crazy.
 * Klinger: See? I got a witness. You gotta give me a Section 8 and send me home.
 * Potter: No dice.
 * Klinger: If you don't let me out for being a nut you're nuttier than me! Sir.

Ping Pong

 * [Klinger is playing horseshoes with Potter]
 * Potter: I don't know how you do it, Klinger.
 * Klinger: Well, sir, I learned how to throw horseshoes in Toledo.
 * Potter: What's that got to do with it?
 * Klinger: We didn't throw them for fun. We threw them in self-defense!

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 * Potter: We all know when the Good Lord passed out paranoia, Frank Burns got on line twice.
 * Hawkeye: [showing four open fingers] Three times;[BJ closes one finger] and the third time, he denied ever being in line!

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 * [Everyone at the 4077th is attending a Korean Buddhist wedding taking place at the MASH]
 * Frank: They won't get away with this. General Harrelson will hear about this!
 * Margaret: Oh, shut up!

End Run

 * Hawkeye: I think I'm having an identity crisis. I know I'm Dr. Pierce, but I want to be God.
 * BJ: If you ever get the job, don't forget your old friends.

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 * Klinger: (to Zale) If my dog had your face, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards!

Hepatitis

 * BJ: You never exercise.
 * Hawkeye: I wrestle periodically with the nurses.

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 * Potter: Listen, it's too big a world to be in competition with everybody. The only person I'm out to beat is who I am right now. And in your case, that's tough enough.

The General's Practitioner

 * Frank: So like you, Hunnicutt. Not a patriotic bone in your body.
 * Hawkeye: No wonder the man flunked anatomy, he thinks there are patriotic bones!

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 * Hawkeye: War isn't hell. War is war, and hell is hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse.
 * Father Mulcahy: How do you figure, Hawkeye?
 * Hawkeye: Easy, Father. Tell me, who goes to hell?
 * Father Mulcahy: Sinners, I believe.
 * Hawkeye: Exactly. There are no innocent bystanders in hell. War is chock full of them - little kids, cripples, old ladies. In fact, except for some of the brass, almost everybody involved is an innocent bystander.

Movie Tonight

 * Klinger: [singing] Nobody knows the trouble I've seen...
 * Hawkeye: I know!
 * Klinger: Somebody knows the trouble I've seen...

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 * BJ: [singing] Git along, little doggie...
 * Hawkeye: I had a long little doggie once. A Dachshund.
 * BJ: Oh a little hot dog. What happened to it?
 * Hawkeye: It got all mustered out.
 * BJ: I relish these conversations.

Souvenirs

 * Potter: [Giving a speech about returning home in one piece] And remember, someone at home loves you. Don't ask me why.

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 * Burns: I hope you catch that ugly creep who's been using my face!

Post Op

 * Potter: Sergeant, I've told everyone else, I'll tell you. The 4077th is out of blood! We're squeezin' turnips here! All my personnel have donated at least twice, and Dracula couldn't find a quick snack around these parts!

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 * Moody: When I was a kid, I used to fight all the time when people put me down. I believed what they said about me. Not any more. I've been up on the line. I had the guts to go out there and drag 'em back to the aid station. No one's gonna get me again with any verbal abuse because I got something guys like that will never have - self-respect.

Margaret's Marriage

 * Klinger: In the words of my people, may your life be an oasis surrounded by waving palms, warm breezes, and spit-free camels.

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 * (As Margaret goes on her honeymoon)
 * Frank: Bye, Margaret.