M*A*S*H (season 7)


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M*A*S*H (1972-1983) was an American television series, airing on CBS, about a team of doctors and nurses stationed at a fictional U.S. Army hospital (unit number 4077) in Korea, during the Korean War in 1950-53. The series spanned 251 episodes and lasted almost four times as long as the war which served as its setting. The series was based on the 20th Century-Fox film M*A*S*H (an acronym for Mobile Army Surgical Hospital), a big hit of 1970 which was based in turn on the book of the same name.

Commander Pierce

 * Margaret: Well, Doctor, as much as I hate to admit it, you ran that siege pretty well.
 * Hawkeye: We were great for half a staff. Damn that Hunnicutt, where is he? Technically, he's AWOL, you know. I could throw the book at him.
 * Margaret: I don't believe what I'm hearing! Since when did you join the army?
 * Hawkeye: Since it was left to me.
 * Margaret: If only Frank Burns could see you now! It's not so easy to play the clown when you have to run the circus, is it?


 * Klinger: Colonel, I missed you!
 * Potter: No.
 * Klinger: About my heart murmur, Sir...
 * Potter: No.
 * Klinger: My double vision is coming back.
 * Potter: No.
 * Klinger: I've fallen in love with a goat!
 * Potter: No.
 * Klinger: Glad to have you back, Sir.

Peace On Us

 * Charles: Must you always spout Scripture, Father?
 * Father Mulcahy: I'm afraid it's an occupational hazard.


 * Military Policeman: I'm looking for a Colonel Sherman Potter.
 * Father Mulcahy: He's over there: the one drinking with two hands.

Lil

 * Lil: Are you married, Margaret?
 * Margaret: I was, but he wasn't.


 * Hawkeye: (trying to guess what "BJ" stands for) Belvedere Jehoshaphat.
 * BJ: Got it! First try.


 * Hawkeye: (still trying to guess what "BJ" stands for) Was your mother Spanish?
 * BJ: No, why?
 * Hawkeye: That eliminates Benito Juarez.

Our Finest Hour

 * BJ: When you see the kind of horror that we do, day in and day out, you don't just feel close. You cling to each other.


 * (after Clete Roberts asks Klinger what he'll remember about serving in Korea)
 * Klinger: All the good times, that's what I'll remember. I think there were three.

The Billfold Syndrome

 * Hawkeye: Sidney, what kept you?
 * Sidney: My jeep had a nervous breakdown.


 * Hawkeye: Don't you ever sleep?
 * Nielsen: Sleep, what's that?
 * Hawkeye: Close your eyes, put your head on your chest, and have nightmares about the war.
 * Nielsen: When you're a medic, you don't have to close your eyes.

None Like It Hot

 * Potter: That's one way out this man's army.
 * Klinger: I always thought of it as That Man's army.


 * Mulcahy: I have a good mind to baptize you both, in dirty water.

They Call the Wind Korea

 * (Nurse Bigelow comes into the Swamp)
 * Hawkeye: Beej, I'm ready to face the storm. Secure me to her!


 * Mulcahy: We've got a villager whose house collapsed around him and a young boy who chased his frightened livestock into a minefield.
 * Margaret: Dear God.
 * Mulcahy: He's been alerted.

Major Ego

 * BJ: Springtime in Korea, when the air is filled with pollen and bullets.


 * (BJ begins humming)
 * Hawkeye: You have just heard the ponderous words of Doctor Charles Emerson Supercillious, the only surgeon who can operate with one foot lodged in his mouth.

Baby, it's Cold Outside

 * Potter: You don't think this is the proverbial 'hell freezing over' do you, Father?
 * Mulcahy: Oh, no, no. I'm sure I'd have been informed if anything that big were on the agenda.


 * Potter: Pierce, before the Major tells me to tell you to shut up, shut up.


 * Potter: We're gonna have to keep these boys plenty warm tonight. You'll have to take heaters from the tents again.
 * Radar: Sir, the last time I did that they hid my glasses in the meatloaf!


 * Potter: Now, Radar, watch this, this'll be a real doozie.
 * Radar: (watching Sonia Henie spin) Oh, boy, how does she do that without throwing up.

Point of View

 * (Private Rich wakes up and sees Hawkeye looking at his chart)
 * Hawkeye: Oh, you caught me. I was just eavesdropping on your condition. These charts come in handy, you know? Everybody ought to have one. Somebody asks how you're doing, you don't have to answer. Just show them your chart. So how are you doing?
 * (Private Rich touches the chart)
 * Hawkeye: Wise guy, huh?


 * Hawkeye: Klinger, you should know better. The Mess Tent is no place to bring a sick person!

Dear Comrade

 * Kwang: Why do you wear the uniform of a nurse?
 * Klinger: It's a disguise. I'm hiding from sanity.
 * Kwang: That's crazy.
 * Klinger: See? It's working!


 * Hawkeye: Look at this! All my fleas are dead! [to Charles] MURDERER!


 * Kwang: Excuse me, but uh, what are you doing to gun?
 * BJ: Preventative maintenance, Kwang.
 * Hawkeye: We fix it now, and no one will have to worry about it again.
 * Kwang: Ah, Kwang understand. No, he don't.

Out of Gas

 * Mulcahy: Just as the Lord said to Noah, "Everything in pairs."
 * Hawkeye: Of course the Lord was holding three aces at the time.


 * Radar: We're really up the river without a creek.

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 * Mulcahy: I might be able to arrange a drop.
 * Potter: It's gonna take a lot more than a drop, Padre.
 * Mulcahy: I mean, with the black market.
 * Potter: Not advisable. Those boys play rough.
 * Margaret: And besides, who'd be low enough to have dealings with those tarantulas?
 * Mulcahy: As a matter of fact...me.

Dear Sis

 * Margaret: How would you like to be married to a skunk, Father?
 * Mulcahy: My religion forbids it.

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 * Hawkeye: (about the man Father Mulcahy punched) He's got good footwork, but he's weak in the clinches. My money's on you for the rematch.

B.J. Papa San

 * Charles: Pierce, why must you always thwart my attempts to bring a little culture into this neolithic pup tent?
 * Hawkeye: Because I'm a music lover.

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 * General Prescott: You look familiar, Colonel. Do I know you?
 * Potter: I don't think so, General.
 * Prescott: Were you in World War II?
 * Potter: Yes, sir.
 * Prescott: I knew you looked familiar!

Inga

 * Hawkeye: I am the essence of overconfidence. I am speculation, adventure, the spirit of pursuit, the stag howling for its winsome, yet anonymous mate. I am the love call of evolution, the perfume and color of the flowers as they offer their pollen to the gentle fuzz of the bees. I am sex itself, gentlemen. I am life, I am appetite!
 * BJ: And I'm not taking my clothes off till he leaves.

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 * BJ: You assassinated his character?
 * Hawkeye: Yeah. I let him talk.

The Price

 * Margaret: Why was he in my shower?
 * Hawkeye: Isn't it obvious?
 * Mulcahy: Not to me.

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 * Hawkeye: Does he understand English?
 * Radar: I'll find out. Ya understand English?
 * Korean Teenager: Yes.
 * Radar: Yes.

The Young and the Restless

 * Simmons: I'm sorry for being so young.
 * BJ: That's all right, you'll grow out of it.

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 * Potter: You'll want to be there for two reasons. One, this is going to teach us all a new heart procedure. And second, it would be a nice gesture to your commanding officer, who could make your life so miserable if he wanted to.

Hot Lips is Back in Town

 * Lieutenant Nugent: Do you dance, Radar?
 * Radar: Uh, no. Football knee.
 * Nugent: Oh, you played football?
 * Radar: Not much, I had a bad knee.

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 * PA Announcement: Attention all personnel. The Mess Tent is closed this afternoon for the medical staff meeting. Unfortunately, it will re-open for dinner at 1700 hours.

C*A*V*E

 * Hawkeye: With Klinger and Mulcahy's blood in him, this kid will wake up singing "Ave Maria" in Lebanese.

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 * Klinger: Before I go in sir, I demand you send out a patrol to rescue my wardrobe.
 * Potter: Into the cave with the rest of the bats.

Rally Around the Flagg, Boys

 * Potter: Oh, Pony Pucks

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 * Hawkeye: That guy would turn in his own mother for passing along a recipe.
 * Charles: You don't like the fellow, do you?
 * Hawkeye: No, I've never been too fond of a guy who would bring you a wounded prisoner and beg you to fix him up just so that he could take him out and shoot him.
 * Charles: That bad, hmmm?
 * Hawkeye: I don't see anything here. I think I'll go sing Carmen in the latrine. The echo'll kill him.

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 * Potter: What is this idiocy about?
 * Flagg: Your spy ring.
 * Potter: Spy ring?
 * Flagg: Very clever, hiding under a house of cards while you plot the overthrow of the free world.
 * Hawkeye: He's got us, guys, we might as well confess. I'm Joe Stalin. Mao Tse-Tung, Marshal Tito, and you already know Lenin. What can I say, we couldn't get a room in the Kremlin.

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 * Potter: Flagg, put that thing down! I don't know how your nimble brain cooked up this goofy plot, but you just bought yourself a peck of trouble!
 * Flagg: Says the ringleader!
 * Hawkeye: Do you have any idea who these two gentlemen are?!
 * Flagg: I'll get to that when I'm ready. All right, who are you?
 * Doo Pak: I am Doo Pak.
 * Potter: The mayor of Ouijongbu!
 * Hawkeye: And this is his baby brother, Hung Pak, Chief of Police!

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 * Flagg: It doesn't add up. The map, the evidence.
 * Charles: You, of all people, should know never to trust a North Korean.
 * Potter: Flagg, you'll pay for this, right through your twitchy nose!
 * Hung Pak: I got a lot of big contacts at I-Corps. They'll fix your wagon!
 * Flagg: I see it now! This is bigger than all of you! This is a major conspiracy, and I will get to the bottom of this, even if I have to go right to the top!

Preventative Medicine

 * Potter: Sometimes when a man's anxious to stick out a glad hand, it's because he's got something up his sleeve.

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 * BJ: (to Hawkeye) You treated a symptom. The disease goes merrily on.

A Night at Rosie's

 * B.J.: What he's trying to say is, correct me if I'm wrong...what's he trying to say?
 * Hawkeye: That Rosie's is an oasis, a bamboo security blanket, a neutral country all its own.
 * Scully: Yeah a country!

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 * Klinger: OK, OK, something right's gotta happen here, hey stay back you're in my light.

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 * Mulcahy: This isn't one of my sermons. I expect you to listen!

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 * Hawkeye: [Dancing with nothing] No Charles, you can't cut in.

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 * Mulcahy: B.J, I hate to interrupt you in mid-debauch, but I'd like a word with you.

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 * [Potter just un-gagged Charles after Hawkeye and BJ tied him up]
 * Charles: Colonel, I... [he gags, then starts again] I was raised in a gracious and civilized atmosphere. I was taught the Golden Rule, and with the exception of some few business dealings, I have learned to live by it. However, in this case, I want these vermin HUNG! I want them buried in anthills, their bodies smeared with honey!
 * Potter: Easy, Major.
 * Charles: I want them drawn and quartered, and I want the pieces arrested!

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 * Hawkeye: [telling a nurse about Rosie Land] We're a simple country, where man's only obligation is to love his fellow woman. So what do you say, you wanna be a patriot and love me back? [the nurse walks away] Turncoat!

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 * Jack Scully: Got anything to smoke?
 * Rosie: [handing him a cigar] Special today. Two bits.
 * Hawkeye: It's on me.
 * Jack Scully: How come it's got teeth marks in it.
 * Rosie: It's a demonstrator model.

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 * Hawkeye: How can I eat that and look my mouth in the face?

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 * Hawkeye: I hate the army. Usually, I just can't stand it. But this is different: this is hate.

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 * Radar: Oh sir, thank goodness you're here, or else I wouldn't have found you here.

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 * Hawkeye: [About beer and cereal] Listen to that, snap crackle and burp.

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 * Hawkeye: [Rosie Land's Motto] Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happy Hour.

Ain't Love Grand

 * Potter: (about Klinger) Is he wearing a class A uniform?
 * Hawkeye: Let's see. Ugly color, forty years out of style, fits like a tent? Yeah that's a Class A all right.
 * Klinger: Excuse the deviation, colonel, but I have a little rendezvous later...and we promised to wear something kinky.

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 * (The surgical threesome as they enter the Swamp)
 * Hawkeye: (grunt) 23 hours of O.R.
 * B.J.: So?...23 hours...It's not like we were in there all day.
 * Charles: I feel like Dorian Grey's picture. Does anyone mind if I relax to some Beethoven?
 * Hawkeye: Yes! (simultaneous with B.J.)
 * B.J.: Aww...not tonight! (simultaneous with Hawkeye)
 * Charles: Alrighty, since you insist (starts the record player)
 * B.J.: (sarcastically) We-hell, at least he had the decency to ask.
 * Hawkeye: My body is so tired it's suing me for running a sweatshop.
 * Hawkeye: Why am I wide awake?!? I know, how 'bout a brisk walk?

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 * Father Mulcahy: Spin n win...Spin n win...Everybody benefits when we play bingo.

The Party

 * B.J.: I can see us all sitting at a reunion ten years from now.
 * Hawkeye: Yeah, the war's been over for a month, we all have gray hair, Charles has his in a box.

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 * Charles: Keep your grimy hands on the wheel.
 * Radar: Look I'm sorry Major, the tires won't stay on the road.

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 * Potter: [upon hearing about Mrs. Potter dancing with Hawkeye's dad at the party]: Hawk, if your father is anything like you, we're going to have a long, long talk about this.

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 * Charles: Bring anything you want. Bring your goat. It doesn't matter to me because I shan't be there. I'm turning myself into the Chinese.