Mad Men (season 5)


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Mad Men (2007 – 2015) is an American television drama created by Matthew Weiner. The show centers around an advertising agency in the 1960s, and its creative director, Don Draper. The show is broadcast in the United States on the AMC network.

A Little Kiss (1) [5.01]

 * Roger: Is it just me, or is the lobby full of Negros?


 * Don: [to Megan] I want you at work, because I want you.


 * Pete: [about his small office] Where am I supposed to conduct business?
 * Roger: In the crapper for all I care.


 * Roger: [about Megan] Why don't you sing like that?
 * Jane Sterling: [about Don] Why don't you look like him?


 * Don: So when you're 40, how old will I be?
 * Bobby: You'll be dead.

A Little Kiss (2) [5.02]

 * Stan: Big weekend plans?
 * Don: It's Tuesday. I don't know.
 * Stan: I was talking about me. My cousin's coming in.
 * Don: Stan, assume that you're working.


 * [Roger "promotes" Harry to a windowless office in the basement]
 * Roger: [holds up a wad of cash] It's more than a thousand, Harry. That... is a month's salary. After taxes.
 * Harry: There's no window in there.
 * Roger: You could buy yourself a very beautiful picture of something to look at.

Tea Leaves [5.03]

 * Michael: That's what they said about Mein Kampf..."Kid really has a voice."


 * Don: Mohawk is going to insist on a regular copywriter.
 * Roger: Someone with a penis.
 * Peggy: I'll work on that.

Mystery Date [5.04]

 * Greg: The army makes me feel like a good man.
 * Joan: You're not a good man. You never were, and you know what I'm talking about.


 * Don: [to Megan] I married you, and I'm gonna be with you until I die...which could be this afternoon.


 * Roger: [to Peggy] You know I could fire you?
 * Peggy: Great. There's some portfolios in Jones's office. Maybe you could find somebody tonight.
 * Roger: Why are you doing this to me?
 * Peggy: Because you're being very demanding for someone who has no other choice. Dazzle me.
 * Roger: Fine. How much you want?
 * Peggy: How much you got?
 * Roger: $400.
 * Peggy: Give me all of it.
 * Roger: Jesus! This better be good.
 * Peggy: Do you want me to take your watch?

Signal 30 [5.05]

 * Roger: [seeing Pete and Lane ready to fight] I know cooler heads should prevail but am I the only one who wants to see this?


 * Peggy: Lane beat the crap out of Pete.
 * Ken: I can't believe he beat me to it.


 * Pete: [about Megan] Brave words from a man on his second time around.
 * Don: Yeah, and if I had met her first I would've known not to throw it away.


 * Megan: You should slow down.
 * Don: I'm timing this for when we arrive. I wanna hit the doorbell with my chin.


 * Lane: England won the World Cup.
 * Roger: Cup of what?

Far Away Places [5.06]

 * Don: It's none of your business.
 * Bert: This is my business.


 * Bert: [to Don] You've been on love leave. It's amazing things are going as well as they are with as little as you are doing.


 * Roger: So what was wrong again?
 * Jane: You don't like me.
 * Roger: I did. I really did.

At the Codfish Ball [5.07]

 * Roger: Who knows why people in history did good things? For all we know Jesus was trying to get the loaves and fishes account.


 * Mona: [to Roger] I thought you married Jane because I had gotten old, and then I realized it was because you had.

Lady Lazarus [5.08]

 * Megan: Don, I love you. You're everything I hoped you'd be.
 * Don: You too.


 * Peggy: [about Megan] I think she's good at everything. I think she's just one of those girls.

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 * Stan: [about Megan] Reality got her. You work your ass off for months, bite your nails, for what? Heinz...baked...beans.

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 * Michael: [about Megan] I'll tell you what takes guts, never having money for lunch. She's owes me like $15 at this point. What am I gonna do, ask Don? Call her? I think it's clear why she left.

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 * Megan: I felt better failing in that audition than I did when I was succeeding at Heinz.

Dark Shadows [5.09]

 * [Michael catches up with Don at the elevator]
 * Michael: I know you saw me.
 * Don: I thought you were hiding from someone.
 * Michael: That was a bold last-minute decision, going with your idea.
 * Don: I thought it was more what they wanted.
 * Michael: We'll never know, will we? Because they never heard mine.
 * Don: Look, I don't like going in with two ideas. It's weak.
 * Michael: And you don't wanna be weak, so you picked yours.
 * Don: And they bought it, which is our goal, isn't it?
 * Michael: What do I care? I got a million of them. A million.
 * Don: Good. I guess I'm lucky you work for me. [Elevator doors open]
 * Michael: I feel bad for you.
 * Don: I don't think about you at all. [Exits the elevator]

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 * Pete: You know what Howard? Why don't you spend Thanksgiving with her? And I'll go to your house and screw your wife.

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 * Jane: [to Roger, about their LSD trip] Stop telling me things I said that night. Like I know I didn't promise to re-marry right away just to save you alimony.

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 * Michael: You know Don; tall guy, short temper.

Christmas Waltz [5.10]

 * Pete: You know, if I had told you last December that we'd be in the running for a car, you would've kissed me on the mouth.
 * Don: Maybe you and I should go as a couple.

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 * Joan: But no flowers from you.
 * Don: You scared the shit out of me.

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 * Joan: [people watching in a bar] Who do you think he is? Advertising? Insurance? Lawyer? And who do you think's waiting at home? I bet she's not ugly. The only sin she's committed is being familiar.
 * Don: So you think it's all him?
 * Joan: Because she can't give him what he wants?
 * Don: Because he doesn't know what he wants. But he's wanting.
 * Joan: He knows. It's just the way he is. And maybe it's just the way she is.

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 * Don: You know what this woman said to me once? I like being bad, and going home and being good.
 * Joan: I bet that stuck to your ribs.
 * Don: It was a disaster.
 * Joan: And you enjoyed every minute.

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 * Don: Last year at this time, whether you knew it or not, survival of this company was on the line. And I look at the faces in this room who have given their all to this tenuous recovery, and I say, prepare to take a great leap forward. Prepare to swim the English channel and then drown in champagne. There are six weekends between now and the pitch. We're going to spend them all here. We will celebrate Christmas here. We will ring in the New Year together. And in the end we will represent Jaguar and it will be worth it. Every agency on Madison Avenue is defined by the moment they got their car. When we land Jaguar, the world will know we've arrived.

The Other Woman [5.11]

 * Pete: [to Joan] It turns out he wanted something we weren't prepared to give. Something very unorthodox.
 * Pete: What would it take to make you a Queen?
 * Joan: I don't think you could afford it.
 * Joan: I don't think you could afford it.

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 * Pete: [to Don] The conversation doesn't end just because you leave the room.

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 * Peggy: [To Don, who is gloomy while the rest celebrate the Jaguar account win] You really have no idea when things are good, do you?

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 * Peggy: I want you to know that the day you saw something in me, my whole life changed. And since then, it's been my privilege to not only be at your side, but to be treated like a protegé. And for you to be my mentor. And my champion.
 * Don: But...
 * Peggy: But, I think I've reached a point where it's time for me to have a new experience.
 * Don: Really?
 * Peggy: I've giving my notice. I've accepted another offer.

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 * Don: Well, let's pretend I'm not responsible for every single good thing that's ever happened to you. And you tell me the number. Or make one up. And I'll beat it.
 * Peggy: There's no number.

Commissions and Fees [5.12]

 * Glen: [to Don] Everything you think's gonna make you happy, just turns to crap.

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 * Roger: [to Don] I'll buy you a drink if you wipe the blood off your mouth.

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 * Tom Schafer: We're at 50% market share in almost everything we make.
 * Don: Because you have a big line of diverse and charismatic products. And you keep making more. Zip-tape. Styrofoam. Rovana. And why do you do that? Because even though success is a reality, its effects are temporary. You get hungry even though you've just eaten. At the old firm, we had London Fog raincoats. We had a year where we sold 81% of the raincoats in the United States.
 * Roger: Name another raincoat.
 * Don: But we didn't stop working for them because 81% isn't enough.
 * Jack Schmidt: Tell me about napalm.
 * Roger: You mean that thing those kids outside your building are screaming at you about?
 * Don: Napalm was invented in 1942. The government put it in flamethrowers against the Nazis, impact bombs against the Japanese. It was all over Korea, I was there. And now it's in Vietnam. But the important thing is when our boys are fighting and they need it, when America needs it, Dow makes it and it works.
 * Ed Baxter: But it doesn't change the fact that we're happy with our agency.
 * Don: Are you? You're happy with 50%? You're on top and you don't have enough. You're happy because you're successful. For now. But what is happiness? It's a moment before you need more happiness. I won't settle for 50% of anything. I want 100%. You're happy with your agency? You're not happy with anything. You don't want most of it, you want all of it. And I won't stop until you get all of it.

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 * Don: Why do we do this?
 * Roger: For the sex, but it's always disappointing.

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 * Don: [to the partners] I already said no, or should I leave so you all can do whatever you want?

The Phantom [5.13]

 * Marie: Not every little girl gets to do what they want. The world cannot support that many ballerinas.

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 * Mrs. Pryce: [to Don, about Lane] You had no right to fill a man like that with ambition.

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 * Don: [to Megan] You wanna be somebody's discovery, not somebody's wife.

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 * Beth: [at a hotel] I knew you'd show.
 * Pete: Because I'm pathetic?