Mallrats

Mallrats is a 1995 film about two best friends who are both dumped by their girlfriends and seek refuge in the local mall.
 * Written and directed by Kevin Smith.

They're not there to shop. They're not there to work. They're just there. Taglines

Brodie Bruce

 * One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So I run into him a week later at the mall and he was buying another cat! And I said to him, "Jesus, Walt, what are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck in your ass, too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.
 * You're gonna listen to me? To something I said? Jesus, man, haven't I made it abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit? I mean, half the time I'm just talkin’ out of my ass, or stickin’ my hand in it.
 * [about the break-up letter from Rene] Yeah, and she also said I had no dick. Which precedes the financial question, proving once more what women really look for.

Jay

 * [To Willam, still staring at the 3D art] I'll tell you what you need is a fatty-boom-batty blunt, and I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-titted mermaids doing some of that lesbian shit. Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch!
 * [after hitting LaFours over the head with a baseball bat] Come, son of Jor-El! Kneel before Zod! Snootchie-bootchies. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
 * [Explaining the details of Operation Drive By to Silent Bob] Phase One: First, you take a run at La Fours with a sock full of quarters. I'd do it, but I pulled my back out humping your mom last night. Nooch. Okay, you clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. That's when Phase Two kicks in. I attack the structure Wolvie Berserk style, and knock out the fucking pin and - bickety bam! - the motherfucker is rubble. Hence, no game show.
 * [Explaining the details of Operation Dark Knight to Silent Bob] Okay, Lunch Box, let's try this again. We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a Spitfire passing right over the arch nemesis La Fours. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. And when that's gone, the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. You got it? Now get your fat ass up there! And dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogans.
 * [referencing Silent Bob] Human brown-eye here is a walking calamity. We're gonna have to take a pass on the stage-trashing business, otherwise he's liable to kill himself. Sorry, bro.

Dialogue

 * Brodie: You have my Punisher War Journal #6, my copy of "Fletch" and the remote control to my TV. Now, I know it's going to be hard to give this stuff up because of it's sentimental attachment--
 * Rene: Sentimental attachment? Look, if I have any of that crap it's because you brought it over to my house and left it there.
 * Brodie: Okay, then let's talk about coming up with a schedule for visitation rights.
 * Rene: For what?
 * Brodie: For the mall. I figure you can take the odd days, I'll take the even days and weekends. When there's any special feature like a sidewalk sale--
 * Rene: Brodie, Brodie--
 * Brodie: --or a boat show--
 * Rene: Brodie! I've always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you asked me to do a striptease to the theme of "Mighty Mouse", I said "Okay". When we were at that hotel prom night and you asked me to sleep under the bed in case your mother burst in, I did it. And even when we were at my grandmother's funeral when you told most of my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let it slide. [Grabs Brodie by the ear] But if you think I'm gonna suffer any more of your shit with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious fucking disappointment.


 * Brodie: I took you shopping all the time!
 * Rene: You took me where you went shopping, you jerk! You think I care what store in that shit pit dirt mall has the latest Godzilla bootlegs? Do you call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria every night eating out? Do I give a shit what two comic labels are crossing over characters, selling two editions of the book in varied-ink chromium covers?! I'm a girl, damn it! I wanna do girly things!


 * [in elevator]
 * Brodie: What the hell gives at the cover boy?
 * Rene: None of your damn business, [slaps Brodie with shopping bag] but he'd probably kick your ass if he knew what you just pulled.
 * Brodie: Are you insane?! The guy looks like a date rapist! Is that my jacket?
 * Rene: Brodie, start the elevator.
 * Brodie: No! Not until you tell me what the deal is with you and the Sperminator out there! How long has this been going on!?
 * Rene: Since I finally mustered the good sense to send you packing! He's a much more suitable companion any day.
 * Brodie: Are you nuts?! The guy's pure testosterone! He's a walking hard-on just looking for a hole!
 * Rene: I'm in need of testosterone after babysitting you and your comic book collection! I forgot what real men were like!


 * Brodie: Here you are now, a legend in the field, probably had a slew of woman since her. Am I right?
 * Stan Lee: Oh, lots of women. Jagged and me, we had a running contest to see who had the most. As a matter of fact, last time I looked I was way ahead.
 * Brodie: Damn, that's hot!


 * Shannon: What? You wanna say something?
 * Brodie: Yeah. About a million things, but I can't express myself mono-syllabically enough for you to understand them all.


 * Brodie: Hey, look at that ring. What is that?
 * Jared Svenning: That is, um, my Junior College class ring. Cum Laude, '69.
 * Brodie: I also hope to cum loud one day, preferably in a 69.


 * Brodie: Look, if I have any kind of glow it's because I just got laid. I would look the same had I banged anyone in that elevator... present company excluded.
 * T.S.: Deny it all you want. I think that you're too proud to admit that you want her back.
 * Brodie: I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you.
 * T.S.: What is your problem? I don't understand.
 * [Gwen suddenly approaches T.S. from behind and accidentally elbows her in her chest and she falls to the ground in pain]
 * T.S.: Gwen! I'm sorry, I didn't even know it was you.--
 * Gwen: You fucker!
 * [In retaliation, Gwen hits T.S. in the groin with her shopping bag and he goes down]
 * Brodie: See, that's what you get for fucking with me. [Gwen gets up and Brodie kicks T.S. while he's still down] Sorry, Gwen. He didn't mean to hit you.
 * Gwen: He's got a funny way of showin’ it by elbowing me in my freakin’ tit. [she also kicks T.S.] Why the hell are you glowing?
 * Brodie: I'm not glowing. All right!


 * [Silent Bob is trying to levitate a cigarette]
 * T.S.: What's he doing?
 * Jay: Shit Head here watched Empire and Jedi last week and ever since then, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick. The crazy fuck thinks he can levitate shit with his thoughts.
 * [slaps the cigarette out of Silent Bob's hand]
 * Jay: Knock it off.
 * Brodie: The Force is strong with this one.
 * Jay: Dude, don't encourage him.
 * Brodie: So, I was just telling T.S. here that we needed to find Jay and Silent Bob. If there's anybody who can help us, it's the two guys who have even less to do than us.
 * Jay: What is this shit? Everybody's looking for us today. We're ducking Tricia 'cause she wants to talk to Obi-Wan here about her video setup.
 * Brodie: Why him?
 * Jay: Silent Bob's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in the eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and shit. Motherfucker's like McGyver--no, motherfucker's better than McGyver! [he knocks the cigarette from Silent Bob's hand again] Knock it off!


 * T.S.: But they're engaged.
 * Brodie: Doesn't matter, it can't happen.
 * T.S.: Why not? It's bound to come up.
 * Brodie: It's impossible. Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child?
 * T.S.: Sure, why not?
 * Brodie: He's an alien, for Christ's sake. His Kryptonian biological makeup is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. But that would kill him.
 * T.S.: How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to Man of Steel coital debates with you in the food court?
 * Brodie: Cookie stand isn't part of the food court.
 * T.S.: Of course it is.
 * Brodie: The food court is downstairs. The cookie stand is upstairs. It not like we're talking quantum physics here.
 * T.S.: The cookie stands counts as an eatery, the eatery's a part of the food court.
 * Brodie: Bullshit. Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs count as food court. Anything outside of said designated square counts as an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. Now, if you're going to wax intellectual about the subject-- [notices Rene at the clothing store] Holy shit!


 * Brodie: [regarding Svenning] After all he's done to you, you should still kinda stick it to him.
 * T.S.: How do you propose I do that?
 * Brodie: You stinkpalm him.
 * T.S.: What's a stinkpalm?
 * Brodie: You take your hand and stick it in your ass like this. You been walkin' all day and you're nervous, so no doubt you'll be sweaty as hell.
 * T.S.: You should see yourself right now, a grown man with his hand down his pants.
 * Brodie: Yeah I probably look like my old man. So you shake hands with the guy, "Hello Mr. Svenning how have you been?"
 * T.S.: What's the point?
 * Brodie: You know how long it takes for that smell to come off? Scrub all you want, it'll stick around for at least two days. How does he explain it to his colleagues and family? They'll think he doesn't know how to wipe his ass properly.
 * T.S.: Meanwhile you yourself are left with a hand that smells like shit.
 * Brodie: Small price to pay for the smiting of one's enemies.


 * [Shannon and Brodie are in a hallway]
 * Shannon: Smart-ass ex-boyfriend! I've got two things to tell you. One: I don't like you. I see you every week in this mall. I don't like you shiftless layabouts. You're one of those loser fucking mallrat kids. You don't come down here to do work or shop. You hang out all day. You act like you fucking live here. Well, I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda.
 * Brodie: Is this what's known as motivated salesmanship?
 * [Shannon punches Brodie]
 * Shannon: Rene told me to leave you alone, but she's fucking clueless. You see, Bruce, I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship. They're more vulnerable and in much more need of solace and they're fairly open to suggestion. And, I use that to fuck them some place very uncomfortable.
 * Brodie: What, like the back of a Volkswagen?
 * Shannon: No. Like someplace girls dread.
 * [Brodie tries to take a poke at Shannon, but Shannon gives him another beat-down]


 * Jay: You're fucking kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?!
 * Brodie: All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.
 * Jay: He's fucking dead!
 * Brodie: Oh, let it go, he's under a lot of pressure.
 * [T.S. and Gwen approach them]
 * T.S.: What the hell happened?
 * Jay: The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.
 * Brodie: I had it coming.
 * Jay: Fuck all that shit. Come on, Silent Bob.
 * [Jay and Silent Bob leave]
 * T.S.: What really happened?
 * Brodie: The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a rain check into my stomach.
 * Gwen: Shannon Hamilton?
 * T.S.: You know that guy?
 * Gwen: I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable.
 * T.S.: What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?
 * Brodie: Sounds like his M.O.


 * Brodie: You know about this game show they got going on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.
 * Jay: Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway.
 * Brodie: Really? Why?
 * Jay: What else are we gonna do? Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the fucking Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and fuckin’ bickety-bam! The whole stage comes crashing down.
 * Brodie: Well we were thinking of something simple, but, hey, if you wanna destroy the stage, we're all for that.


 * Brandi: Second suitor, would you ever make whoopee in public?
 * Brodie: Already did once today. [points to Rene and smirks] But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control. So he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, the hydraulics kick back in, and the plane rights itself. It lands safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever you know, away and deboard. Nobody mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.
 * [The audience is stunned speechless]
 * Gill: Well, did he cum, or what?
 * Brodie: Jesus Christ, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!


 * Brandi: Suitor Number Three, what would our first date be like?
 * Gill Hicks: Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping to stores you wanna shop in, and then we'd do a little lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing. And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus, and then I'd follow it up with a drive to a secluded beach where I'd pop on the radio and we could slow-dance 'til the sun came up.
 * Brodie: That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard! I mean, look at you. You're the kind of guy who would beg for sex. And I should know, we can smell our own.


 * Brandi: Suitor Number Three, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?
 * Gill: Definitely a jackhammer. I'm in there with some pressure, and when I'm done you're not the same as before. You're changed.
 * Brodie: Where do you come up with this shit?! That is the cheesiest response to an honest question I've ever heard! I saw you kiss and it wasn't even anything like that!
 * Gill: Who the hell did you see me kiss?
 * Brodie: Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was, but he seemed unimpressed.
 * Gill: I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear! I'm not gay.
 * Brodie: Hey, suitor-ette, this guy's a homo-phobe! You heard how repulsed he sounded! Is this the kind of guy you wanna spend a vacation with, this hate-monger?
 * Gill: I don't hate gay people!
 * Brodie: So you love them?
 * Gill: Yes! I mean, no.
 * Brodie: Textbook closet case. Self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.


 * Shannon: That's it. You're dead, mallrat. I'm gonna fuck you up beyond repair!
 * Brodie: Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his to screw my girlfriend in an extremely uncomfortable place.
 * Gill: What, like the back of a Volkswagen?

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 * [the videotape of Shannon having sex with Tricia is playing on the big screen, with cheesy 70s porno music in background]
 * Shannon: Yeah, who's your favorite new kid? Yeah, call me Joey. Oh, come on. Don't make me get loose. Yeah, that's right. Call me Donnie. Oh, girl. Please don't go.
 * Jay: God damn, this is one wacky game show.
 * Brodie: [to the cops] Hey! That girl's only 15!
 * [cops focus their attention on Shannon]
 * Shannon: Ah, 15? I thought she was 36! [as he is being arrested] Come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her.

Taglines

 * They're not there to shop. - They're not there to work. - They're just there.
 * Get Malled
 * It's mall or nothing
 * Superhero Anatomy! Topless Fortune Telling! Bunny Bashing! And More!

Cast

 * Shannen Doherty - Rene Mosier
 * Jeremy London - T.S. Quint
 * Jason Lee - Brodie Bruce
 * Claire Forlani - Brandi Svenning
 * Ben Affleck - Shannon Hamilton
 * Joey Lauren Adams - Gwen Turner
 * Renée Humphrey - Tricia Jones
 * Jason Mewes - Jay
 * Kevin Smith - Silent Bob
 * Ethan Suplee - Willam Black
 * Stan Lee - Himself
 * Priscilla Barnes - Miss Ivannah
 * Michael Rooker - Mr. Jared Svenning