Meet the Parents

Meet the Parents is a 2000 comedy film starring Robert De Niro and Ben Stiller about male nurse Greg Focker who meets his girlfriend's parents before proposing, but her suspicious father is every date's worst nightmare.
 * Directed by Jay Roach. Written by Jim Herzfeld and John Hamburg.

First comes love. Then comes the interrogation. taglines

Jack Byrnes

 * All right. Now look, Focker, I'm a patient man. That's what 19 months in a Vietnamese prison camp will do to you. But I will be watching you, studying your every move. And if I find that you are trying to corrupt my firstborn child, I will bring you down, baby. I will bring you down to Chinatown.

Dialogue

 * Jack: Let me ask you a question, Greg. Let's just say you have kids... and you wanna get out of the house, spend a night on the town. So, you hire a baby-sitter, someone you think you can trust. References, work experience — it all checks out fine. But then how do you really know for certain... that your loved ones are safe with this stranger? I mean, can you ever really trust another human being, Greg?
 * Greg: Sure, I think so.
 * Jack: No. The answer is, you cannot.


 * Jack: Greg, would you like to say grace?
 * Pam: Oh, uh, well, Greg's Jewish, Dad. You know that.
 * Jack: You're telling me Jews don't pray, honey? [to Greg] Unless you have some objection.
 * Greg: No, no, no, no, I'd love to. Pam, come on, it's not like I'm a rabbi or something. I've said grace at many a dinner table.
 * Pam: Okay.
 * Greg: O dear God, thank You. You are such a good God to us, a kind and gentle... and accommodating God. And we thank You, O sweet, sweet Lord of hosts... for the... smorgasbord... You have so aptly lain at our table this day... and each day... by day. Day by day by day. O dear Lord, three things we pray. To love Thee more dearly. To see Thee more clearly.  To follow Thee more nearly... day by day... by day. Amen. Amen.
 * Dina: [moved] Oh, Greg, that was lovely.
 * Jack: [a bit stumped, but still impressed] Thank you, Greg. That was interesting, too.


 * Dina: Oh, honey, why don't you read Greg your poem?
 * Jack: Oh, no, he doesn't want to hear that.
 * Greg: What? No! What... what... what poem?
 * Dina: You see, when Jack had to retire... for health reasons...
 * Jack: That's a bunch of malarkey. Honey, I'm fine.
 * Dina: The doctor thought it would be therapeutic if he... sort of expressed his emotions in an artistic way. Honey, you wrote the most beautiful poem about your mother.
 * Pam: Please, we really wanna hear it.
 * Greg: Poem, poem. Please!
 * Jack: Oh, all right. It's a work in progress. I'm still not happy with it. As soon as it's ready, then I am going to glaze it onto a plate... and put it next to the urn.
 * Greg: Nice.
 * Dina: It's very special.
 * Jack: "My Mother," by Jack Byrnes. You gave me life, you gave me milk, you gave me courage. Your name was Angela, the angel from heaven. But you were also an angel of God, and He needed you, too. Selfishly, I tried to keep you here... while the cancer ate away your organs... like an unstoppable rebel force. But I couldn't save you, and I shall see your face... nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, until we meet... in heaven.
 * Pam: Daddy, that's beautiful.
 * Dina: It always gets me.
 * Greg: Amazing. So... so.. so much love, yet also so much information.


 * [Jack's putting Greg through a lie detector test]
 * Jack: [slowly] Have you ever watched pornographic videos?
 * Greg: [long pause; sees readout beginning to skew, then tries to keep calm before answering] No. [looks at graph and Jack sees needles skewing wildly] I mean, well, I don't.
 * Jack: Yes or no?


 * [Pam shows Greg's nursing exam scores to Jack, who's unmoved]
 * Pam: I love you, Dad, but you could be a real jerk sometimes. [storms out of room]
 * Jack: [to Dina] So what if he passed some test? He's still not good for Pam!
 * Dina: Well, who is, Jack? No one has ever been good enough for your Pam. You only warmed up to Kevin after she broke up with him. I think it's time for you to find what Pam wants.


 * Flight Attendant: I'm sorry, sir. You're gonna have to check that.
 * Greg: I got it.
 * Flight Attendant: No, I'm sorry. That bag won't fit.
 * Greg: No, I'm not — hey. I'm not checking my bag, okay?
 * Flight Attendant: There's no need to raise your voice, sir.
 * Greg: I'm not raising my voice. This would be raising my voice to you, okay? I don't want to check my bag. By the way, your airline — you suck at checking bags. Because I already did that once, and you lost it, and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me. Okay?
 * Flight Attendant: I can assure you that your bag... will be placed safely below deck with the other luggage.
 * Greg: Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage? Are you physically gonna take my bag beneath the plane? Are you gonna go with the guys with the earmuffs and put it in there?
 * Flight Attendant: No.
 * Greg: No? Okay. Then shut your pie hole... and listen to me when I say that I am finished... with the checking-of-the-bags conversation!
 * Flight Attendant: Sir, we have a policy on this airline that if a bag is this large, we—
 * Greg: Get your grubby little paws off of my bag, okay? It's not like I have a bomb in here. It's not like I want to blow up the plane.
 * Flight Attendant: Sir!
 * Greg: I wanna stow my bag according to your safety regulations.
 * Flight Attendant: Sir, sir—
 * Greg: If you would take a second... and take the little sticks out of your head and clean out your ears, maybe you would see that I'm a person who has feelings, and all I have to do is do what I wanna do! All I wanna do is hold onto my bag and not listen to you! The only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here now... and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers. Okay? If you can get it from my kung fu grip, then you can have it. Okay? Otherwise, step off, bitch.
 * [Greg is forcibly removed by Airport Security while everyone watches in shock by his behavior.]


 * [Greg is being detained by the Airport Security for threatening a flight attendant.]
 * Norm the Security Guard: I have a plane full of people telling me you threatened that stewardess.
 * Greg: I was not threatening her, I was just trying to get my bag in the overhead storage thing.
 * Norm the Security Guard: You were acting like a maniac and then you threaten her with a bomb.
 * Greg: No, I said I didn't have a bomb.
 * Norm the Security Guard: You said Bomb.
 * Greg: I said it's not like I had a bomb on an airplane.
 * Norm the Security Guard: You said bomb on an airplane.
 * Greg: What's wrong with saying bomb on an airplane?
 * Norm the Security Guard: You can't say bomb on an airplane.
 * [Greg taunts Norm with the word bomb, who threatens him with arrest. A co-worker of Norm's comes in.]
 * Airport Security: Hey, Norm, take. We've got a specialist.
 * Greg: Bye, Norm.
 * [Norm leaves and the guard motions Jack to come in, which Greg isn't happy about.]




 * Greg: Oh, shit. How'd you get here?
 * Jack: I'm everywhere, Focker.
 * Greg: I didn't do anything, Jack.
 * Jack: Yeah, I know.
 * Greg: Well, then tell these guys that I'm not a terrorist.
 * Jack: Listen, Focker. I'm not gonna tell anybody anything until you answer some questions. Unless you want to spend the next couple of years of your life in prison, you better goddamn well tell me the truth. No more lies. You understand? No more lies.
 * Greg: Did you do this?
 * Jack: Just answer the questions.
 * Greg: Did you have me taken off of that airplane?
 * Jack: Just answer the question. Put your hands over there. That's it.
 * [Jack hold Greg's hands by the pulse to administer a lie-detector test]
 * Greg: You're sick, you know that?
 * Jack: Is your name Gaylord Focker? Yes or no?
 * Greg: Yes.
 * Jack: Are you a male nurse?
 * Greg: Yes.
 * Jack: Are you a pothead?
 * Greg: No.
 * Jack: Have you ever smoked pot?
 * Greg: Yes.
 * Jack: [beat] Did you spray-paint the tail of a cat to pass him off as Mr. Jinx?
 * Greg: Yes.
 * Jack: And you did that because you were desperately seeking my approval?
 * Greg: Yes.
 * Jack: Because you love my daughter Pam?
 * Greg: Yes.
 * Jack: Do you wanna marry her?
 * [Greg doesn't answer and looks away.]
 * Jack: Do you want to marry her?
 * Greg: I did... until I met you.
 * Jack: What does that mean?
 * Greg: I love your daughter, Jack. I love her more than anything. But frankly, sir, I'm a little terrified of being your son-in-law. This whole weekend has given me a lot of doubts about whether or not I could even survive in your family.
 * [Jack looks at Greg's pulse, unmoved.]
 * Greg: I think you've got some serious issues.
 * Jack: If I lighten up, would you consider marrying my daughter?
 * [Greg pulls his hands away from Jack]
 * Greg: Would you lighten up a lot?
 * Jack: Yeah.
 * Greg: Yes or no?
 * Jack: Yes.
 * Greg: Would you promise to let me and Pam live our lives and not interfere all the time?
 * Jack: I promise not to interfere in your lives all the time.
 * Greg: Will you stop making fun of me for being a nurse?
 * Jack: Could you at least try, maybe, to consider another profession?
 * Greg: Jack, yes or no?
 * Jack: Ever?
 * Greg: No!
 * Jack: [beat] Okay, yes.
 * Greg: Would you let me and Pam sleep in the same room?
 * Jack: [glares at Greg] Don't push it, Focker. You're in a real mess. [Takes Greg's hands again and continues] If you married my daughter, would you support her in the way that she deserves to be supported?
 * Greg: Yes.
 * Jack: Would you be honest and faithful to her?
 * Greg: Yes.
 * Jack: Will you devote yourself entirely to her for the rest of your life?
 * Greg: Of course.
 * Jack: Gaylord Focker... [takes out a small jewelry box and shows it to Greg to find an engagement ring] Will you be my son-in-law?

Taglines

 * First comes love. Then comes the interrogation.
 * No pressure.
 * He finally met the girl of his dreams. Too bad her dad's a nightmare.
 * Jack's an ex-CIA man. Greg's a nurse.

Cast

 * Robert De Niro - Jack Tiberius Byrnes
 * Ben Stiller - Gaylord "Greg" Focker
 * Blythe Danner - Dina Byrnes
 * Teri Polo - Pamela "Pam" Byrnes
 * James Rebhorn - Dr. Larry Banks
 * Jon Abrahams - Denny Byrnes
 * Owen Wilson - Kevin Rawley
 * Nicole DeHuff - Deborah Byrnes
 * Thomas McCarthy - Dr. Bob Banks
 * Phyllis George - Linda Banks