Merry Christmas, Drake & Josh


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Merry Christmas, Drake & Josh (also known as Drake & Josh: Best Christmas Ever) is a television movie based on the Nickelodeon sitcom Drake & Josh.

Josh

 * [seeing Drake as a mall Santa making out with someone] That's not what Santa does.
 * [calling the cops over vandals at a Christmas party] Hello? Cops?!
 * [getting arrested] Oh, no. Oh no, you don't understand, I didn't... I didn't do anything! I didn't do anything! There's been a terrible mistake! I'm not saying it's your fault! I'm not saying it's your fault! I'm just saying there's been a mix-up! There's been a mix-up!
 * [painfully, while climbing a tree] Bark against my groin.

Steve

 * [shouting in court] The cow goes moo! I was trapped in a refrigerator! I take special vitamins!

Dialogue

 * Fat girl: [to Drake, dressed as a mall Santa] I want some of what that last girl was getting!


 * Little Boy: When is Santa going to be here?
 * Steve: Well, I don't know, but I'll bet you old Saint Nick's going to be here real soon.
 * Woman: Excuse me, I distinctly ordered a diet root beer, and this tastes like sh-
 * Steve: I AM TALKING TO CHILDREN!!!!


 * Judge: Now, Drake Parker, Josh Nichols. Since your records show no prime violations of the law, I will not put you in jail this time.
 * Drake and Josh: YES!
 * [The courtroom erupts with cheering.]
 * Judge: But... [nobody listens] But...! I have a "but"!
 * Drake: [chuckles] He said he had a butt.
 * Josh: Shut up.
 * Judge: If you do not give this little girl and her family the best Christmas ever, I will put you in jail and melt the key down myself. Am I clear?
 * Drake: Yes, your honor.
 * Josh: Yes.


 * [Josh is talking with Officer Gilbert's mother.]
 * Josh: All my brother and I are trying to do is give the kids the best Christmas they ever had. It's like Officer Gilbert, your son... he just hates us.
 * Mrs. Gilbert: Oh, I'm sure Perry doesn't hate you. He hates Christmas.
 * Josh: But why?
 * Mrs. Gilbert: It goes back to when he was just 8 years old. As a little boy, he loved Christmas so much. And there was one present he always wanted more than any other.
 * Josh: What was it?
 * Mrs. Gilbert: A monkey.
 * Josh: A monkey.
 * Mrs. Gilbert: It was Christmas Eve. [a flashback is shown] Perry woke up in the wee hours of the morning. And, as children would do, he sneaked out of his bedroom and into the den to see what Santa had left him. There, by our Christmas tree, was a fine monkey in a cage. It was the present Perry had dreamed of. Then, Perry turned the latch, and opened the cage... [the monkey attacks young Perry and wrecks the Christmas decorations] and that's when things went terribly wrong. The monkey went berserk.
 * Young Perry: [in flashback; screaming] What did I do?! Aah! Aah! Aah! Crazy monkey! Bad monkey! Bad monkey! Aaah!
 * Mrs. Gilbert: And then... the tinkling. [the monkey removes its shorts and urinates] Its bladder empty, the monkey jumped out the window, never to be seen again.
 * Drake: That is the freakiest story I've ever heard.
 * Josh: I know, but it's true. Christmas was ruined for him as a kid, so now he wants to ruin it for everyone else.


 * [last lines of the film, and the entire series]
 * Drake: So?
 * Josh: So?
 * Drake: Yes or no? Is this the best Christmas you ever had?
 * Josh: It will be, after THIS! [throws snow at Drake]
 * Drake: I'm gonna get you, Nichols!
 * Josh: Bring it, Parker! [the two chase each other around]