Mind Your Language

Mind Your Language (1977-1986) is a British comedy television series set in a school for mature students and focuses on the English as a Second Language class.

The First Lesson [1.1]

 * Mr Brown: There will be no throat-slicing in my class! If you want to do that sort of thing, you should have joined the Sports in Pastimes.


 * Danielle: I come to learn English. Have I come to the right place?

An Inspector Calls [1.2]

 * Mr Brown: I was engaged once. Matter of fact, I proposed marriage, but it didn't really work out. There was quite a lot of opposition.
 * Miss Courtney: Her father?
 * Mr Brown: No, her husband. I didn't realise she was married at the time.

A Fate Worse Than Death [1.3]

 * Ranjeet: Excuse me, missy. This lady, is she resembling an elephant?
 * Miss Courtney: I wouldn't exactly put it like that, but she is rather large.
 * Ranjeet: Blimey, it is Surinder!


 * Gladys: I thought you and Surinder made a lovely couple.
 * Mr Brown: With all due respect, she was a couple on her own.

All Through the Night [1.4]

 * Mr Brown: (holds up lime juice) Giovanni?
 * Giovanni: Lime juice.
 * Mr Brown: (holds up milk) Juan?
 * Juan: Cow juice.
 * Mr Brown: Milk.
 * Miss Courtney: Do you know where we get milk from, Juan?
 * Juan: Si, señora... the milkman!


 * Max: Danielle should wave from window all by herself.
 * Mr Brown: She still may not be sufficient to attract enough attention.
 * Max: It would if she took her clothes off!

The Best Things in Life [1.5]

 * Ali: You are changing your tune! When you are thinking that I am very wealthy, you are being my bloody brother.
 * Ranjeet: That is before I'm finding out you are bloody stupid!
 * Ali: Don't you call me bloody stupid, you bearded baboon!
 * Mr Brown: Quiet the pair of you and sit down. (to Ali) I presume you're staying now, Ali.
 * Ali: I'm staying now, yes.

Come Back All is Forgiven [1.6]

 * Mr Brown: Well, how would you pronounce "F-I-T"?
 * Ranjeet: Fit!
 * Juan: Si señor, one right fit, one left fit!
 * Mr Brown: No, Juan!

The Cheating Game [1.7]

 * Ali: I want to hear you say: "All Muslims are nice, kind and most wonderful persons".
 * Ranjeet: If I am saying that, you'll be lending me 10p?
 * Ali: If you are saying that, I will be giving you 10p.
 * Ranjeet: Very well. All Muslims are nice, kind and wonderful persons.
 * Ali: Jolly good. (hands him the 10p)
 * Ranjeet: There's only one thing: all Sikhs are very big liars!


 * Mr Brown: Where are you going?
 * Giovanni: We go to spend 2p.
 * Mr Brown: The phrase is "spend a penny".
 * Giovanni: Sure. I spend a penny, he spend a penny; we spend 2p.

Better to Have Loved and Lost [1.8]

 * Ranjeet: Please, I am having a very funny thought. He is Pakistani, she is Chinese. If they have a baby, it will be Pakinese!
 * Ali: How dare you! I'm teaching you not to be insulting! You ignorant son of a bearded poof!
 * Ranjeet: Come on! You brainless offspring of a camel!

Hello, Sailor [1.10]

 * Mr Brown: Ali, I?
 * Ali: You are what?
 * Mr Brown: A word beginning with the letter I
 * Ali: Infidel
 * Ranjeet: Are you meaning me?
 * Ali: Yes, please
 * Mr Brown (to Ranjeet): Sit down! Ranjeet, J
 * Ranjeet: Jackass
 * Ali: Are you meaning me?
 * Ranjeet: Most definitely!
 * Ali: I knock your damn turban off you monkey face!


 * Giovanni: Max, what's the opposite to "bitter"?
 * Max: Lotta
 * Giovanni: That's not right
 * Max: Sure it is! Opposite of bitter money is lotta money


 * Mr Brown: Juan, does Boris speak any English?
 * Juan: I teach him a little
 * Mr Brown: Well, good. Why do you wish to leave Russia?
 * Boris: Por favore?
 * Mr Brown: I see you speak English as well as Juan does


 * Mr Brown: Think of a word that describes you.
 * Ali: Stupid
 * Ranjeet: Don't you call me stupid, you half-witted Pakistani popadom!
 * Ali: Don't you call me Pakistani popadom you brown chapati!

How's Your Father? [1.12]

 * Ranjeet: And then came the Muslims!
 * Ali: Don't you call me ape you son of a cross-eyed goat!
 * Mr Brown: Quiet the pair of you! If I have any more trouble, you both stay behind for extra study.

The Examination [1.13]

 * Ranjeet: I'm winning the jackpot!
 * Ali: That is my winnings!
 * Ranjeet: How can they be your winnings? I am putting the money, 10p in.
 * Ali: There is your 10p.
 * Ranjeet: Take your dirty hands off my money!
 * Ali: That is my money, you bearded bandit!

All Present if not Correct [2.1]

 * Jamila: I sit at backside with Tarō.
 * Mr Brown: No, Jamila. You will sit at the back. Backside is what you sit on.
 * Jamila: (chuckles) Oh, no, master-jī. What I sit on is chair!


 * Ingrid: Swedish girl are the beautifullest.
 * Danielle: (rolls eyes) Trouble with Swedish girl: they are too big in ze bosom.
 * Ingrid: French woman too big in the mouth.

Queen for a Day [2.2]

 * Miss Courtney: Sidney, go and sweep the school yard!
 * Sid: I swept it up once.
 * Miss Courtney: Well, sweep it again!
 * Sid: You wouldn't like me to go down on me 'ands and knees and scrub it, would ya?
 * Miss Courtney: Don't be ridiculous! It wouldn't dry before they arrived!


 * Mr Brown: Shall I ask Gladys to make up a couple of ham rolls, in case they feel a bit peckish?
 * Miss Courtney: Ham rolls?! You can't give royalty ham rolls! This is a very special occasion! Tell her to open a tin of salmon.

Don't Forget the Driver [2.5]

 * Mr Brown: (points to the window) What is that?
 * Zoltán: Door.
 * Mr Brown: Window. (then points to the door)
 * Zoltán: Ah, door!
 * Mr Brown: Good.
 * Enter Miss Courtney
 * Zoltán: Crumpet!

A Hard Day's Night [2.6]

 * Miss Courtney: If someone were to stop you in the street and ask you the time, what would you say?
 * Jamila looks at her watch and replies in Punjabi
 * Miss Courtney: That wouldn't help them.
 * Jamila: Oh, yes. In my street, it's all Indian peoples.

I Belong to Glasgow [3.1]

 * Mr Brown: Mr MacGregor is from Scotland, which is part of Great Britain. Great Britain is comprised of England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales.
 * Juan: No.
 * Mr Brown: What do you mean, "no"?
 * Juan: No whales in England. Whales in the sea!

Who Loves Ya Baby? [3.2]

 * Giovanni: (admiring Danielle) Holy ravioli! For what I'm thinking now, I could be excommunicated.
 * Juan: I was excommunicated five minutes ago!

No Flowers By Request [3.3]

 * Mr Brown: Where does the term "Gladstone bag" come from?
 * Max: Mrs Gladstone.

Just the Job [3.4]

 * Mr Wilkins: (to Danielle) Explain the meaning of the phrase "to bury the hatchet".
 * Danielle: To chop someone's 'ead off.
 * Mr Wilkins: You. (points to Giovanni) Complete the following proverb: "People who live in glass houses..."
 * Giovanni: "...should get undressed in the dark."

What a Tangled Web [3.8]

 * Mr Brown: Giovanni, the correct word to describe a relative by marriage is "in-law", as in "brother-in-law", and not, as you put, "outlaw".
 * Giovanni: It's the same thing.
 * Mr Brown: It is not the same thing. An outlaw is a bandit.
 * Giovanni: So's my brother-in-law!


 * Miss Courtney: Oh, you're wearing a black tie, Sidney.
 * Sid: Yeah, I'm in mourning. 28 years to the day it happened.
 * Miss Courtney: Oh dear. The death of a loved one?
 * Sid: Nah, I got married.
 * Miss Courtney: You're a real male chauvinist pig.
 * Sid: Pardon?
 * Miss Courtney: Pig.
 * Sid: Oh, you've met the wife, have you?

Cast

 * Barry Evans – Jeremy Brown (English teacher)
 * Zara Nutley – Dolores Courtney (principal)
 * Dino Shafeek – Ali Nadim (Pakistani pupil)
 * George Camiller – Giovanni Capello (Italian pupil)
 * Kevork Malikyan – Maximillian Papandrious (Greek pupil)
 * Jamila Massey – Jamila Ranjha (Indian pupil)
 * Françoise Pascal – Danielle Favre (French pupil)
 * Albert Moses – Ranjeet Singh (Punjabi pupil)
 * Pik-Sen Lim – Chung Su-Lee (Chinese pupil)
 * Robert Lee – Tarō Nagazumi (Japanese pupil)
 * Ricardo Montez – Juan Cervantes (Spanish pupil)
 * Jacki Harding – Anna Schmidt (German pupil)
 * Gabor Vernon – Zoltan Szabo (Hungarian pupil)
 * Anna Bergman – Ingrid Svenson (Swedish pupil)
 * Iris Sadler – Gladys the tea lady
 * Tommy Godfrey – Sid the caretaker