Mom (TV series)

Mom (2013–2021) is an American sitcom, airing on CBS about a newly sober and a single mom raising two children, whose mom, also a recovering drug and alcohol addict, returns to work on her relationship with her daughter.

Pilot [1.01]

 * Christy: While other mothers were cooking dinner, you were cooking meth.
 * Bonnie: Otherwise known as working.


 * Christy: Some mothers teach their daughters how to bake. Mine taught me how to beat a cavity search and still feel like a lady.


 * Christy: Mom, I've watched you lick cocaine crumbs out of a shag carpet.
 * Bonnie: It's not a sin to be thrifty, dear.


 * Christy: Violet, I can't tell you not to have sex at your age, because I had sex at your age.
 * Violet: Mom, I'm not having sex.
 * Christy: Uh, don't lie to the woman who washes your sheets.

A Pee Stick and an Asian Raccoon [1.02]

 * Christy: That's how you get into heaven, letting a little guy go up on you.
 * Bonnie: I wish. All he wanted to do was spank me.
 * Christy: Well, no good deed goes unpunished.


 * Violet: I'll have the test results in two minutes.
 * Christy: That's great. I mean the time to worry is so much less. When I was pregnant with you, those things took 20 minutes.
 * Violet: Really?
 * Christy: Yeah, that's how far science has come. So, that's great! [to Bonnie] We'll know the test results in 2 minutes.
 * Bonnie: Wow. When I was pregnant with you, those things took 2 hours.
 * Christy: Really?
 * Bonnie: Yeah, that's a long time to wait in a gas station bathroom.

A Small Nervous Meltdown and a Misplaced Fork [1.03]

 * Bonnie: You know, I had sex with a missionary once and oddly -- he wasn't a fan of the position.


 * Bonnie: [holding up one of Christy's dresses] Were you sober when you bought this?
 * Christy: I don't even remember. I hate all my clothes, they're all from when I was drinking.
 * Bonnie: [holds up red plastic dress] What were you when you bought this?
 * Christy: Popular.


 * Roscoe: [playing blackjack] I don't have anymore money.
 * Bonnie: No money? Or no money ON you?
 * Roscoe: Well, I have some upstairs in my piggy bank.
 * Bonnie: Well it's not doing you any good up there, is it?


 * Bonnie: So how'd it go with your boss?
 * Christy: I broke his leg *and* his nose.
 * Bonnie: It felt good, didn't it?
 * Christy: No, it didn't.
 * Bonnie: A little bit?
 * Christy: ...A little.

Six Thousand Bootleg T-Shirts and a Prada Handbag [1.05]

 * Christy: Regina, I know this is difficult for you, but I just want you to know, I think you're doing great.
 * Regina: Really? 'Cause I think I might snap and kill you and your mother in your sleep.


 * Bonnie: Recovering from the fatal disease of alcoholism doesn't mean I can't get some strange every once in a while.
 * Christy: You should sew that on a pillow.

Abstinence and Pudding [1.06]

 * Marjorie: Christy, if a man won't wait until you're ready to share your secret garden, he's not worth a second of your time.
 * Bonnie: Secret garden? Holy Moses, how many cats do you own?
 * Marjorie: Four.


 * Luke: I'm telling you, I walked in on my parents having sex once and it traumatized me.
 * Violet: This isn't the same thing.
 * Luke: Yeah, it's worse, the kid can't run out of the room screaming.
 * Violet: [Christy enters] Mom, tell Luke he's not going to hurt the baby.
 * Christy: ...If I do that, he'll have sex with you. [to Luke] Stick to your guns.


 * Bonnie: [Christy doesn't want to talk about her relationship] So how about you, Luke still worried he'll poke the baby's eye out?
 * Violet: Luke is a very caring and sensitive person, and I don't want to talk about it.
 * Bonnie: [pause] Well since nobody's going to ask me, I'll tell you, I took home a vice cop last night and I do want to talk about it.

Estrogen and a Hearty Breakfast [1.07]

 * Christy: [speaking to Luke's parents] All right, I just want to say that we've all come to really love your son, and I know my daughter is crazy about him, so... I'm sure there's a happy ending in here somewhere.
 * Bonnie: If Violet just gave him a happy ending we woul...
 * Christy: Mom!


 * Christy: [as Luke's parents are leaving] By the way, Pastor. We're going to raise the baby Jewish.
 * Bonnie: And we're not Jews.
 * Christy: Shalom, bitch!


 * Bonnie: [as Christy tucks her in] Am I pretty?
 * Christy: What? Of course you are, you're beautiful.
 * Bonnie: I don't feel beautiful. I feel like a man trapped in a man's body.
 * Christy: That's all in your head.
 * Bonnie: Are you saying I'm crazy?
 * Christy: Not in this context. Go to sleep, things will look a lot better in the morning.


 * Nathan: We're not sure that Luke is the only boy who has slept with this temptress.
 * Bonnie: Now hold it right there, I can assure you that with every generation of our family, the women get better. Now, I may have been a drunken slut.
 * Christy: She was.
 * Bonnie: And my daughter may also have been a drunken slut.
 * Christy: Hey!
 * Bonnie: What?
 * Christy: Sorry, go on.
 * Bonnie: But this angel was pure as snow until she smoked your son's blunt, drank his tequila and made mad passionate love to him for about 2 minutes. [to Violet] Am I right so far?
 * Violet: [uncomfortably] Pretty much.

Belgian Waffles and Bathroom Privileges [1.10]

 * Christy: Dammit, I forgot I have to take Violet to her doctor's appointment!
 * Bonnie: I know, I had Luke take her in early. She's gained 3 pounds, the baby's the size of an heirloom tomato.


 * Violet: Do we have a Bible?
 * Christy: We have one that's hollowed out.
 * Violet: Why would it be hollow?
 * Christy: ...I misspoke. We don't have a Bible.
 * Violet: Never mind, I'll just get one at the library.


 * Christy: Why do you want to read the Bible?
 * Violet: Because I'm curious.
 * Christy: What? I didn't raise you to be curious.
 * Violet: Luke's father thinks I should come to his church and work on my soul.
 * Christy: Well you tell Luke's father that I said your soul can kick his soul's ass.

Cotton Candy and Blended Fish [1.11]

 * Christy: Marjorie, how many cats do you own?
 * Marjorie: Oh, you don't own cats. You love them.
 * Christy: Okay... How many cats do you love?
 * Marjorie: [pointing and gesturing] Well, let's see. That's Carlos Santana, and that's Grace Slick, and that's Boz Skaggs, and Steve Miller, and these three are the Tower of Power horn section. And this fat little trouble-maker is Jerry Garcia. So... eight.


 * Christy: [walks in on Luke and Violet on her bed with her jeans half on] God, lock the door!
 * Luke: No, it's not what you think, I'm trying to get them *on* her.
 * Christy: What?
 * Violet: None of my stupid pants fit!
 * Christy: Of course not, Violet, you're pregnant. You had to know this was going to happen.
 * Violet: I did but I still wanted to be hot.
 * Christy: You were hot, that's why you're pregnant.

Corned Beef and Handcuffs [1.12]

 * Rudy: But the real magic happens when we start to combine flavors. For example, take a simple cherry tomato, squirt a little aged balsamic vinegar into its fleshy center...
 * Bonnie: Cherry. Squirt. Fleshy. You can't help yourself, can you?
 * Rudy: It's very hard.

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 * Christy: Rudy said he doesn't want to see you anymore.
 * Bonnie: What? Wait, why are you telling me this and not him?
 * Christy: Because he has an emotionally crippling mother.

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 * Rudy: So why don't you drink?
 * Bonnie: I'm allergic to alcohol, any time I drink it I break out in handcuffs.
 * Rudy: What a shame, I happen to have a large collection of both wine and handcuffs.

Leather Cribs and Medieval Rack [1.14]

 * Christy: [Christy and Bonnie are confessing long-held secret to each other] Okay, I got one. Remember that kilo of hash that was stolen from your car?
 * Bonnie: Yeah?
 * Christy: Best. Junior Prom. Ever.
 * Bonnie: Are you crazy? I was almost KILLED for that.
 * Christy: Oh, I'm sorry.
 * Bonnie: I had a GUN to my head in the desert, they made me dig my own grave!
 * Christy: That's too bad. I was voted queen of the prom!

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 * Luke: This ass was spanked a lot as a kid and it's a better ass for it.
 * Violet: Well I want to raise our baby with patience and understanding.
 * Luke: Why? You weren't raised that way.
 * Violet: I know. I want to do better by our child. I want to be able to break the cycle.
 * Luke: Wow, that's ambitious.

Fireballs and Bullet Holes [1.15]

 * Alvin: [Knocks on door. Violet answers] Hi. Is Christy Plunkett here?
 * Violet: You a bill collector?
 * Alvin: No.
 * Violet: Subpoena?
 * Alvin: No.
 * Violet: Are we being evicted again?
 * Alvin: No. What do you mean "again"?
 * Violet: Never mind. She's not here.
 * Alvin: Oh, okay. You, uh... you must be her daughter.
 * Violet: Listen pal, we're not joining your church.
 * Alvin: I'm not... Forget it. I'll come back another time.
 * Violet: Whatever. [Slams door]
 * Alvin: Wow. My granddaughter's a joy.

Nietzsche and a Beer Run [1.16]

 * Christy: [ driving a firetruck stops at a red light]
 * Bonnie: [following Christy) What are you doing?
 * Christy: What it's a red light.
 * Bonnie: You're in a firetruck.
 * Christy: Oh right. [turns on sirens]

Jail, Jail and Japanese Porn [1.17]

 * Christy: I can't believe they found you guilty.
 * Regina: I can. I stole three million dollars.
 * Christy: Maybe they'll send you to one of those swanky country club jails.
 * Regina: Get real. I'm a black woman who embezzled money from white people. I'm going to jail jail. Someone's gonna buy my ass for a KitKat bar.
 * Bonnie: Well, it's only fair. KitKat bars helped build that thing.

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 * Regina: Where do you think Christy is?
 * Bonnie: I think she's unrolling a fire hose.
 * Regina: What?
 * Bonnie: She's dating a fireman.

Sonograms and Tube Tops [1.18]

 * Christy: I thought this baby was going to be my second chance.
 * Violet: How would that happen?
 * Christy: Well, this time I wouldn't be drunk. I wouldn't pass out at a PTA meeting, at the wrong school.
 * Violet: [dryly] Yeah, that wasn't too embarrassing.

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 * Christy: The baby shower's going to be great, fun and games and free stuff for the baby.
 * Violet: I don't need it.
 * Christy: Violet, I'm stealing food from work, trust me, we need it.
 * Violet: No we don't.
 * Christy: Why not?
 * Violet: ...I've made a decision. I'm giving this baby up for adoption. [leaves]
 * Christy: I feel like I just got punched in the heart.

Toilet Wine and the Earl of Sandwich [1.19]

 * Regina: Do you know what the worst part of being in prison will be?
 * Bonnie: Being in prison?
 * Regina: No, that I won't get to see my son grow up.
 * Bonnie: Oh... I'm gonna stop talking now.
 * Marjorie: Don't say it if you don't mean it.
 * Christy: When did you last see your son?
 * Regina: Before my trial.
 * Marjorie: But that was months ago!
 * Regina: My ex-husband won't let me see him, not that I blame him. He just turned 10. He's going to be a teenager by the time I get out.
 * Christy: Where's your ex live?
 * Regina: In Stockton, about a hundred miles back.
 * Christy: [pause] Hell with it. [turns the car around] We're going to Stockton!
 * Regina: But I'll be late to turn myself in.
 * Christy: What the hell are they gonna do, Regina? Throw you in jail?

Broken Dreams and Blocked Arteries [1.21]

 * Violet: Hey.
 * Alvin: Hey. Your mom tells me you've got a prom coming up.
 * Violet: Um-hmm.
 * Alvin: That sounds like fun.
 * Violet: Yep.
 * Alvin: What's the theme?
 * Violet: Broken condoms, broken dreams.
 * Alvin: [Nodding] Oh, okay. You've got a shot at being the Queen.

Smokey Taylor and a Deathbed Confession [1.22]

 * Christy: Shouldn't Luke be here by now?
 * Violet: He didn't drive, he's high, so he took the bus.
 * Christy: He smoked pot on the day you're having the baby?
 * Violet: He smokes pot every day, it's not a big deal.
 * Luke: [in the hall] Violet?
 * Violet: I'm in here!
 * Luke: [walks right by] Violet?
 * Violet: I'm in here!
 * Luke: Violet?
 * Violet: You literally just walked past me!
 * Luke: Violet?
 * Christy: Everyday, huh?

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 * Violet: I changed my mind!
 * Christy: I told you, you can't go home, you have to have this baby.
 * Violet: No, I changed my mind, I'm keeping this baby!
 * Christy: [she and Bonnie look at each other] Are you sure?
 * Violet: I'm never going through this much pain again, so I need to keep this baby!

Fish Town and Too Many Thank You's [5.02]

 * [The end credits scroll up. The logo reads: Chuck Lorre Productions, #570]
 * Emoji: Believe me.
 * [Last lines]

My Kinda People and the Big To-Do [8.18]

 * [The last lines of the series]
 * Bonnie: This has been quite a day. I think I've had every feeling a person can have. Some of them great, some of them just awful. And never once thought about drinking or using. But that's not the miracle. The miracle is I never thought about myself. I was thinking about the people I love and how I can help them. And also some fish, which is ironic, 'cause I had sushi for lunch. I didn't care. It was... When I walked in that door eight years ago, I was so filled with fear and self-loathing, shame. But now, I kind of like me. I kind of love me. [Tears up] I love my husband, I love my daughter, my friends, my grandkids. I even love those two crazy bitches in the back row.
 * Jolene: I think that's us.
 * Shannon: It is.
 * Bonnie: I've always heard people in meetings say how they're grateful alcoholics, and I never understood it. It actually kind of pissed me off. But now I get it. My name is Bonnie and I'm a grateful alcoholic. And if that pisses you off, just keep coming back. Thank you. [The groups applauds and Bonnie walks to the back] Would you guys join us for coffee?
 * Shannon: Just say yes.
 * Jolene: Yes.
 * Wendy: Who else would like to share?

Cast

 * Anna Faris - Christy Plunkett (seasons 1-7)
 * Allison Janney - Bonnie Plunkett
 * Sadie Calvano - Violet Plunkett (regular season 1-3, recurring season 4)
 * Nate Corddry - Gabriel (regular seasons 1-2)
 * Matt L. Jones - Baxter (regular season 1-3, recurring season 4)
 * French Stewart - Chef Rudy (regular season 1-2, recurring season 6-7)
 * Spencer Daniels - Luke (regular seasons 1-2)
 * Blake Garrett Rosenthal - Roscoe (regular season 1-3, recurring season 4)
 * Mini Kennedy - s Marjorie Armstrong (recurring season 1, regular season 2-8)
 * Jaime Pressly - Jill Kendall (recurring season 2, regular season 3-8)
 * Beth Hall - Wendy Harris (recurring season 2, regular season 3-8)