Mongrels (TV series)

Mongrels, formerly known under the working titles of We Are Mongrels and The Un-Natural World, is a British puppet-based situation comedy series first broadcast on BBC Three between 22 June and 10 August 2010, with a making-of documentary entitled "Mongrels Uncovered" broadcast on 11 August 2010. A second series of Mongrels began airing on 7 November 2011, but was cut short by the series final cancellation on 18 January 2012, by order of Zai Bennett.

"Where My Balls At (He Wants His Balls Back)" [2.1.1]

 * Marion: Hey.. Yeah!


 * Reach down to touch you, can't believe there's nothing there,
 * Wanna run my fingers through your short and curly hair,
 * It's just those little things, those moments I can't face,
 * Bending down to lick you, just to find a bald pink space.
 * Those times we spent together, man they was intense,
 * Remember when I tried to jump over that barbed wire fence?
 * What about my sex life? What will I tell my bitches?
 * That Chico cut my knackers off and left me fifteen stiches...
 * I'm in pain, gone insane since they cut you babies up...
 * Kali: Or maybe it's just the anestetic wearing off...


 * Backing Singers: He want's his balls back...
 * Marion: That's what I'm saying.
 * Backing Singers: He want's his balls back...
 * Marion: Back here and swaying.
 * Backing Singers: He want's his balls back...
 * Marion: I really need them.
 * Backing Singers: Back in his sac...
 * Marion: Has anybody seen them?


 * Used to be, just us three, now I've lost my desire,
 * Now you're gone, I'm alone, but I can sing to octaves... higher...


 * Backing Singers: He want's his balls back...
 * Marion: Do you get me?
 * Backing Singers: He want's his balls back...
 * Marion: Why'd you vet me...?
 * Backing Singers: He want's his balls back...
 * Marion: Just wanna scrath you.
 * Backing Singers: Back in his sac...
 * Marion: I wish they'd re-attach you...


 * Oh... yeah...

"F**k Chickens" [2.2.1]

 * Vince: Hold on, I smell chicken. And you know what I think about chickens don't you?


 * (Sings) They're not from this country, they spread their disease.


 * They look the same and all wiggle their heads when they speak.


 * They lay loads of eggs to get free accommodation..


 * F**k all the chickens, they're the scourge of the nation.


 * F**k chickens. F**k them back where they belong.


 * F**k chickens. F**k them all the way to Hong Kong.


 * Oh, you get loads and loads all living under one roof.


 * They're no good at flying, people know the truth.


 * Channel 4 make documentaries with them all the time.


 * But no one cares about the plight of the vulpine.


 * F**k (Obscured by the sound of a chicken squawking)chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a chicken squawking)them back where they belong.


 * F**k (Obscured by the sound of a chicken squawking)chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a chicken squawking)them all the way to Hong Kong.


 * (Spoken) All together now.


 * Vince, Foxes, and Badger (Sing): F**k (Obscured by the sound of a boat's horn) chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a boat's horn) them back where they belong.


 * F**k (Obscured by the sound of a boat's horn) chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of a boat's horn) them all the way to Hong Kong.


 * F**k (Obscured by the sound of Nelson using an air horn) chickens. F**k (Obscured by the sound of Nelson using an air horn) them back where they belong.


 * F**k (Obscured by the sound of Nelson using an air horn) chickens.


 * Vince (Spoken): To actually f**k a chicken would be wrong.

"What Kind of God?" [2.2.2]

 * Dean (Spoken): God loves us all Kali. Even pigeons.


 * Kali (Spoken): God don't exist. And I happen to that for a fact. Follow me.

(They fly up to the clouds.)


 * Kali (Spoken): Tell me Dean. (Sings) What kind of God?


 * Backing Singers: What kind of God?


 * Kali: What kind of God?


 * Backing Singers: What kind of God?


 * Kali: What God allows a child of thirteen to sleep on the streets.


 * Backing Singers: Out on the street.


 * Kali: So that when I use a cash machine he's right there by my feet.


 * Backing Singers: Right by her feet.


 * Kali: It's so awkward when I have to pretend I'm skint and that.


 * Backing Singers: What kind of God?


 * Kali: What kind of God?


 * Backing Singers: What kind of God?


 * Kali: What kind of God allows that hard see-through plastic packaging on, for instance, printer cartridges and children's toys?


 * Backing Singers: Amen.


 * Kali: That means you have to get out the scissors but when you cut it, you end up cutting yourself on the sharp edges.


 * Backing Singers: Hallelujah.


 * Kali: What kind of God?

(God (played by Christopher Biggins) appears.)


 * God: This kind of God.


 * Kali: Oh God, it's God.


 * Backing Singers: That kind of God.


 * Kali: Okay man, what's with all the call centres?


 * God: They provide a service.


 * Kali: Even those ones based abroad?


 * God: It's true, the Indian ones are abhorred.


 * Kali (Spoken): I'm not being racist but it makes no sense having a rail enquiry line that isn't based locally.


 * Backing Singers: What kind of God?


 * Kali: What kind of God?


 * Backing Singers: What kind of God?


 * Kali: Junk mail in newspapers.


 * God: Come on be fair.


 * Kali: Motorcyclists outweaving traffic.


 * God: Yes you've got a point there.


 * Kali: People who bring toddlers to weddings.


 * God: I shall smite them.


 * Kali: Wasps.


 * God: Oh why did I cre-ate them?


 * Kali: People who read over your shoulder.


 * God: Ex-smokers' advice.


 * Kali: Overly chirpy Australian bar staff.


 * Kali and God: And Katie Price.


 * Backing Singers: What kind of God?


 * Kali: It is not my kind of God...yeah!

"What a Difference a day makes" [2.2.3]

 * Marion: The law says today that I can't be with you.
 * Lollipop: But tomorrow we can do whatever we want to do.
 * Marion: I can love you.
 * Lollipop: Oh yes.
 * Marion: And you can love me...
 * Both: Thanks to 'the Sexual Offences Act' (2003)...
 * Lollipop: One day you're a paedo...
 * Marion: And you're my jailbait...
 * Lollipop: Next day you're my sweetheart...
 * Marion: And its suddenly legal to mate...
 * Both: Oh what a difference a day makes!...
 * Both: Just can't wait 'til the dawn breaks...
 * Marion: Right now you can't handle the love of a man...
 * Lollipop: But from tomorrow you can give it me as hard as you can...
 * Both: What a difference a day makes.
 * Marion: One day I'm a pervert.
 * Lollipop: And I've still got my virginity.
 * Both: But in less than 15 hours, it's a legal technicality...
 * Lollipop (Spoken): Actually, I'm not a virgin...
 * Both: What a difference a day makes...
 * Both: Then we can legally fornicate.
 * Both: I'd never dream of breaking the law today...
 * Both: But tomorrow it's my right to do you every which way!!
 * Both: What a difference a day makes...
 * Lollipop (Spoken): Let's elope together. I could be your fiancé.
 * Marion (Spoken): Ehh, maybe not....
 * Both: What a difference a day makes...

"Everybody loves a Lesbian" [2.2.4]

 * Cassandra (Lesbian crow) If your uncomfortable with coming out, then listen to what I says-bian,
 * Whatever anyone thinks of gays, everyone loves a lesbian!


 * Everybody loves a lesbian, honey,
 * Norton’s passé, Ellen’s funny,
 * Let those Baptists think what they like,
 * There’s nothing, no nothing, quite like a dyke.


 * It’s so wrong when you see boys kissing,
 * But girl on girl, see what you’re missing,
 * Lindsay Lohan never stopped traffic,
 * ‘Til she rode Sam Ronson and came out Sapphic,
 * Everyone loves a lesbian, baby,
 * You’ll shout “yes!” during sex and not “maybe!”
 * Camp is cliché, Lezzies have class,
 * You’ll never find us cottaging for George Michael’s ass.


 * So what if our haircuts make us all look the same?
 * At least we don’t give the Catholic Church a bad name,
 * No gay looks great in a girly frock,
 * All ladies look lovely in a strap-on cock…
 * [“Guitar solo.”]


 * Cassandra (Spoken) One more time!
 * (Everyone- except Kali.) Everybody loves a lesbian, baby,
 * A muff-driving, rough-driving, car-fixing lady,
 * Come on out, join us in heaven,
 * We’ll soon be eating brunch off Pam St. Clement!
 * Woo-hoo!

"My Destiny" [2.2.5]
(Destiny is pulled away by Gary)
 * Nelson: I'll always remember when I first met my 'Destiny'
 * You caught my eye then you stole all the rest of me...
 * Destiny (spoken): You are such a geek!


 * Nelson (spoken): It's this week's song!

(Music stops)

"Breaking up is such a faff" [2.2.6]

 * I can't bring myself to leave her
 * Breaking up would be unpleasant
 * 'Cause it's almost her birthday
 * And some people might say
 * I only did it to avoid buying a present
 * I don't want her friends to hate us
 * And I've only just changed my Facebook status


 * Screw it...let's just stay together!


 * Breaking up is such a faff
 * I can't stand awkward goodbyes
 * Breaking up is such a faff
 * I'll just sweat it out until she dies


 * I can't bring myself to dump her
 * Though she really gets on my tits
 * 'Cause we've booked a trip to Pisa
 * I've put it on my Visa
 * If I cancel, I'll lose all my deposit
 * It's easier to stay the same
 * Than to file a travel insurance claim


 * Screw it...let's just stay together!


 * Breaking up is such a faff
 * I'm too much of an emotional coward
 * Breaking up is such a faff
 * Besides we've just picked out a power shower


 * And answer me this please:
 * What about all our DVD's?
 * 'Cause baby, I can't stand it if we have to fight,
 * Over who owns that copy of The Dark Knight


 * Oh, look: 2 copies of "Dodgeball"...bonus!


 * Breaking up is such a faff
 * I just wish that I was dead
 * Breaking up is such a faff
 * If I act boring maybe she'll leave instead...


 * Muttering:
 * Then again, you hear lots of interesting stuff about tax breaks for married people...which obviously is worth taking advantage of.
 * And supposedly there's health benefits to being in a long-term relationship. Plus there's a lot to be said for regular, dependable sex...even if it is with someone you find physically repellent.

"Middle class is magical" [2.2.7]

 * Nelson: Middle class is magical.


 * A safe world free from strife.


 * Let bad things happen to other folk.


 * While you read Country Life.


 * Buy an aga.


 * Wear a Monsoon dress.


 * Get your food from M&S.


 * Own an iPhone.


 * Watch Bear Grylls.


 * Take anti-depressant pills.


 * Middle class is magical.


 * Drive a 4x4 to school.


 * Keep three sorts of hummus in your fridge.


 * Make over your downstairs loo.


 * Learn to salsa.


 * Ski in Verbier.


 * Drink too much Chilean Chardonnay.


 * Ignore the homeless.


 * Don't mind Burkhas.


 * Condescend to migrant workers.


 * When all the world is middle class


 * There'll be no poverty or starvation.


 * Because we'll all grow our own mangetout


 * And Myleene Klass will the rule the nation.


 * Because...


 * ...Middle class is magical.


 * Join us and you'll see.


 * You're already halfway there


 * Because you're not watching ITV.


 * Yes, middle class is magical.


 * What matters is what we wear.


 * Let's pay someone else to do the difficult jobs


 * While we work on our hair.


 * Middle class is magical yeah!

"Ugly women are beautiful too" [2.2.8]

 * Dog: So Destiny...nervous?
 * Destiny: A bit nervous of the other models in case they're a bit bitchy, because I'm, like, so sensitive, I'll probably cry.
 * Dog: Oh, no, we're very nice.
 * Destiny: ..."We?!"
 * Dog: Yes, I'll be modelling with you today.
 * Destiny: Oh, wow...(!) No, good for you. Seriously. It would be nice to see some plus-size girls out there! And after all...


 * [Music starts]
 * Destiny: If there's one thing I know, thanks to Gok Wan's TV show
 * It's that ugly women are attractive
 * They're just as good as me, though lacking genetically
 * With a thyroid gland that's clearly overactive


 * Backing: Ugly women are beautiful too
 * Destiny: They're always sweet and trusting even though they look disgusting
 * Backing: Ugly women are beautiful too
 * Destiny: Don't mean no disrespect when I say you look like Shrek
 * Backing: Ugly women are...
 * Destiny: ...Beautiful too


 * Destiny: Forget exfoliation that won't hide your deformation, girl
 * The only way to shoot you is with a whaling gun!
 * But who cares who's the fattest, 'cos it's what's inside that matters
 * And whatever the hell that is, girl, you must have bleeding tons!


 * Backing: Ugly women are beautiful too
 * Destiny: I'm sexy, cute, and savvy, you're why cousins shouldn't marry
 * Backing: Ugly women are beautiful too
 * Destiny: I look like Cheryl Cole, you're an ad for birth control


 * Backing: Ugly women are...
 * Destiny: ...Beautiful too
 * Backing: Ugly, big, fat women
 * Destiny: Just like you!
 * [Music ends]


 * Destiny: Don't touch me.
 * [Dog runs off sobbing]

"Just A Little Tap On The Nose"[2.3.1]

 * Destiny: Listen to my pearls of wisdom, girls,


 * If you want to get a man and keep him.


 * When he doesn’t show compliance,


 * Just apply a bit of violence,


 * If he’s bad then he gets a beating.


 * There’s no point complaining,


 * It’s just doggy training.


 * He’s got to learn discipline,


 * Or I’ll put the boot in!


 * If he’s going “Yap, yap, yap!”


 * Just give him a little tap.


 * Can’t bite back like that,


 * And not expect a little tap,


 * Just a little tap on the nose.


 * Backing Dogs: Just a little tap! Just a little tap!


 * Destiny: When I raise my hand,


 * It’s because it’s all they understand,


 * Men like a bit of tough loving.


 * RSPCA don’t care,


 * If he falls down the stairs,


 * Long as nobody witnessed the shoving.


 * It’s not my fault,


 * He’s got to be taught.


 * And it’s not assault,


 * If you don’t get caught!


 * If he’s barking like that,


 * Just give him a little tap.


 * Can’t act like a twat,


 * And not expect a little tap,


 * Just a little tap on the nose.


 * Backing Dogs: Just a little tap! Just a little tap!


 * Destiny: There’s every excuse,


 * For domestic abuse.


 * Just always choose,


 * Where you hide the bruise!


 * If he’s giving it all that,


 * Just give him a little tap.


 * Grab you’re baseball bat,


 * And he’ll expect a little tap,


 * Just a little tap on the nose…


 * Backing Dogs: Just a little tap! Just a little tap!


 * Just a little tap on the nose!

"Immigration Nation"[2.3.2]

 * Nelson: This is the immigration nation,


 * We actively encourage mass migration,


 * Tear up your application form,


 * Let the border crossing swarm,


 * And here’s how to dodge the legislation…


 * Apply online for a student Visa,


 * Or get smuggled in, whichever’s easier,


 * Then you find a small bedsit,


 * And… benefits, benefits, benefits.


 * If you’re fearing prosecution,


 * Just claim homeland persecution,


 * Everybody’s doing it,


 * Take the law and screwing it,


 * Come and join the immigration…


 * Nation…


 * Now it’s time for you to bring,


 * Your bedridden family in,


 * Get them all a fixed address,


 * And...NHS, NHS, NHS


 * Soon as you are legal aliens,


 * You are better than Australians!


 * They do it by the rules,


 * What a bunch of tools,


 * Come and join the immigration…


 * Nation…

[Nelson scats.]


 * Nelson: So let’s keep that culture vibrant,


 * With hoards of economic migrants,


 * Who’ll sweep the streets and cut inflation,


 * ‘Cause we won’t do jobs below our station,


 * Did your social worker mention,


 * You’re entitled to a pension?


 * Please exploit the welfare state,


 * Now it’s our turn to migrate!


 * The BNP makes it political,


 * The Daily Mail are hypocritical,


 * Watch them, when they get the chance,


 * They all retire to the south of France!


 * So let’s all claim an occupation,


 * Let’s all toy with deportation,


 * Ooh, is that a new PlayStation?


 * We’re off to a sunny location!


 * Come and join the immigration…


 * Nation…


 * Yeah!

"Die Evil Zombies!"[2.3.3]

 * Zombie Dog: Oh, why am I here,


 * In this pub garden?


 * One sniff of her,


 * And I've lost control...


 * I'm not the bad guy,


 * I am the victim,


 * Intoxicated,


 * By her pheromones...


 * Why does she make me,


 * Act like a zombie?!


 * I don't even like her,


 * And I never have!


 * Oh, what a cliché,


 * Besieging a building,


 * And all for some sex with,


 * A pedigree chav!


 * Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies!


 * Zombie Dog: But I'm not a zombie, I'm quite clearly alive...


 * Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies!


 * Zombie Dog: I'm just a romantic with a monster sex drive!


 * Who just wants your love but wants to survive...!


 * Zombie Dog: Now they've killed Derek,


 * He was my best friend,


 * They used his own arm,


 * To beat him to death!


 * A father of two,


 * And a charity worker,


 * He said ger loved you,


 * With his dying breath!


 * Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies!


 * Zombie dog: You say that I'm evil, you're the one hitting me!


 * Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies!


 * Zombie dog: Take my hand, feel my pulse, and I'm sure you'll agree!


 * There's a place in your heart for a camp amputee...!


 * Trio of zombie animals: Come on, everybody, let's do the zombie!


 * Adopt a vacant look and lift up your paws!


 * Zombie dog: Now you're reinforcing the stereotype,


 * This dancing idea is fundamentally flawed!


 * Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies!


 * Zombie dog: In hindsight, our relationship was doomed from the start.


 * Tim, Nobby, Vince and Marion: Die evil zombies!


 * Zombie dog: I don't want your brains, I just want your heart! But love has quite literally torn me apart!

"Vince is a massive c***"[2.3.4]

 * Vince (spoken): I, Vincent Fox, ...am a c**t.


 * [Music starts.]


 * Vince: From Millwall to the Albert Dock, there's one thing plain to see,


 * In this entire borough there's no bastard bad as me.


 * I guess it ain't a huge surprise that I have got no friends,


 * Nelson: Well it was you that had your stag do ethnically cleansed.


 * Vince: When I was a little cub my grandma said to me...


 * Vince's grandmother (in a flashback): Please, son, put the gun down, you can have all my money!


 * Vince: Silly cow, she kept her savings underneath the bed,


 * So I nicked her f**king pension book and shot her in the head!


 * Cat: He robbed me!


 * Beagle Dog: Knifed me!


 * Bulldog: Shot me!


 * Chihuahua: He poured acid down my front!


 * Rottweiler: He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt!


 * Chimpanzee: He took me to Oxford and abused me in a punt!


 * All: I think that we all agree he is a massive-


 *  Nelson [interrupting]: Um diddle, um diddle um diddle ai! Um diddle, um diddle um diddle um...


 * Um diddle, um diddle um diddle ai! Um diddle, um diddle um diddle um!


 * Vince: You've got to give me credit, though, for keeping our streets clean,


 * I'm on the Atkins Diet so I'm eating tramps and queens!


 * Nelson: Why don't you join the BNP? I think you'd fit in fine.


 * Vince: You must be f**king joking- I know where to draw the line!


 * Cat: He robbed me!


 * Beagle Dog: Knifed me!


 * Bulldog: Shot me!


 * Chihuahua: He poured acid down my front!


 * Rottweiler: He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt!


 * Chimpanzee: He took me to Oxford and abused me in a punt!


 * All: I think that we all agree he is a massive-


 *  Nelson [interrupting]: Um diddle, um diddle um diddle ai! Um diddle, um diddle um diddle um...


 *  Vince [to Penny]: Remember when we first met on that night out in the park...


 *  Penny: You were so romantic, I just felt an instant spark...


 *  Vince: If I'm being honest, that spark was a taser gun,


 * I knocked you unconscious and then I had my bit of fun!


 * Cat: He robbed me!


 * Beagle Dog: Knifed me!


 * Bulldog: Shot me!


 * Chihuahua: He poured acid down my front!


 * Rottweiler: He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt!


 * Chimpanzee: He took me to Oxford and abused me in a punt!


 * All: I think that we all agree he is a massive -


 * Woooaaaaaaaah...............!


 * All: He robbed me! Knifed me! Shot me! He poured acid down my front!


 * He managed to castrate me even though the knife was blunt!


 * Nelson: He anally invaded me as a publicity stunt!


 * All: I think that we all agree he….is….a….mass....ive


 * C***********....**********T!!


 * Vince: I'm a c**t

"I'm Gonna Murder Justin Bieber"[2.3.5]

 * Robert (speaking) : Okay, I’ve got a little musical number that might just fit the bill.


 * [Music starts.]


 * Robert: What was wrong with the good old days?


 * Why does everything have to change?


 * I much preferred the way things were before…


 * When Britain really had got talent,


 * And Justin frigging Bieber hadn’t,


 * Brought his insipid music to our shore…


 * Could you even name one of his songs?


 * The self-important little diva…


 * Gonna take a pick-axe to his pretty face,


 * I’m gonna murder Justin Bieber…


 * It’s easy to sing in perfect time,


 * When all you ever do is mime,


 * Thanks for destroying music, Simon Cowell…


 * Every pop star looks like each other,


 * Is that Zack Efron or a Jonas Brother?


 * Either way they should be disembowelled…


 * I’m gonna kidnap all the kids from Glee,


 * And shatter all their femurs,


 * But before he releases one more song,


 * I’m gonna murder Justin Bieber…


 * So I’m sticking with my record stylus,


 * ‘Cos you can’t buy vinyl Miley Cyrus,


 * That bitch deserves a flesh eating virus…


 * Yeah…!


 * I’m gonna butcher Joe McElderry,


 * With a blunt meat cleaver…


 * And they’ll auto-tune his final scream,


 * When I murder Justin Bieber…


 * I’m gonna murder Justin Bieber…

"Smoking Makes You Look 'Cool'"[2.3.6]

 * Marion (spoken): Ah, my boy- so much you have to learn.


 * [Music starts.]


 * Marion (singing): Uh-huh, uh-huh, yes...


 * Since I wasn't around when you were a kitten,


 * Here's a father's advice, make sure you listen.


 * You have to go to university,


 * Take media studies, it's a useful degree,


 * Sniff loads of glue, the feeling's incredible,


 * And never wear condoms, they make sex terrible,


 * Backing Singers: Forget what they tell you at school,


 * Marion: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, yes...


 * Backing Singers: Smoking makes you look cool.


 * Marion: Uh-huh, uh-huh, light up...


 * Marion: Keep your pin number simple, like 1-2-3-4,


 * I have mine tattooed on my paw,


 * If a Nigerian Prince ever e-mails,


 * Send him your bank account details,


 * Instead of a job, play internet poker,


 * But never forget, you gots to be smoker.


 * Backing Singers: Forget what they tell you at school,


 * Marion: Uh-huh, uh-huh, light up...


 * Backing Singers: Smoking makes you look cool.


 * Marion: Uh-huh, uh-huh, light up...


 * Always accept lifts from strangers,


 * Hitchhiking’s free with very few dangers!


 *  (Marion): Send stuff to newspapers while you’re hammered,


 * They published my cartoon of Prophet Muhammad.


 *  (Backing Singers): Forget what they tell you at school…


 *  (Marion): Join new religion when you are pissed…


 *  (Backing Singers): Smoking makes you look cool.


 *  (Marion): This is why I am Scientologist.


 *  (Backing Singers): Forget what they tell you at school…


 *  (Marion): Sell a kidney if you are broke…


 *  (Backing Singers): Forget what they tell you at school…


 *  (Marion): But never sell a lung, boy, 'cause you got to smoke.

"Estate Agent's Song"[2.3.7]

 * Nelson: Estate agents say millwall is the jewel of the east end,


 * Canary Wharf’s up-and-coming neighbour.


 * The house price indices have all gone up and bucked the trend,


 * And the amenities are improving every day.


 * Besides, no-one’s been stabbed here since Friday,


 * There’s not been a murder all day!


 * No-one’s been stabbed here since Friday,


 * We’ve not been on Crimewatch since May!


 * Mary (Red squirrel): Yay!


 * Nelson: There’s a charming artist’s quarter just behind those burnt-out cars,


 * A Banksy everywhere you lay your eyes…


 * Mary: Is that a dead tramp lying there?


 * Nelson: Of course not, this is art,


 * Should be nominated for the Turner Prize...


 * No-one’s been stabbed here since Friday,


 * No-one’s been strangled or maimed!


 * No-one’s been stabbed here since Friday,


 * And you’ll just love our needle exchange!


 * Mary: Key change!


 * Nelson: You probably won’t get shot; drive-by shootings are rare…


 * Mary: But isn’t that a drive-by shooting over there?


 * Nelson: Did I mention we’re often on The Secret Millionaire…?


 * Yeah…!


 * No-one’s been stabbed here since Friday,


 * Arson is on the decline!


 * No-one’s been stabbed here since Friday,


 * And gang-related deaths are so rare…


 * It’s a crime.


 * It’s a crime…


 * Mary: Where do I sign?

"Shit house party"[2.3.8]

 * Nelson: Tonight’s the night I’m going to let my hair down.
 * Backing singers: Oh!
 * Marion: - Tonight’s the night I’m going to get my groove on.
 * Backing singers: Yeah!
 * Nelson: Tonight’s the night I’ll spray my French cologne on.
 * Backing singers: Ah!
 * Kali: But know we really need to get a move on…


 * Everybody: We’re going to a shit house party...
 * Kali: We’ll pretend that it’s great when we’re in it,
 * But really we’ll hate every minute
 * Everybody: We’re going to a shit house party...
 * Nelson: We might be glad we came along,
 * After four white lightnings and a Jager bomb.
 * Yeah!


 * Kali: A queue for seven hours for the toilet,
 * ‘Cause someone’s having unprotected… sex in the bath!
 * Marion: The girls will find out if they got their boobs out,
 * When they’re tagged in the Facebook… photograph!


 * Everybody: We’re going to a shit house party...
 * Kali: We’d obviously rather not go,
 * But we said that we’d be there so…
 * Everybody: We’re going to a shit house party...
 * Marion: I’ll grope your baby sister,
 * In a game of naked Twister!


 * Everybody: We’re going to a shit house party-
 * Yeah!

"Episode 1"

 * Destiny: Most people have to fly a plane into a building before they're surrounded by this many virgins.




 * Kali: I want to join your evil scheme.
 * Marion: Sure, just make a cheque out to Tom Cruise, we'll send you a fact pack.
 * Kali: What?
 * Marion: Sorry, which evil scheme do you mean?




 * Nelson: I'm not a square. I break the rules!
 * Kali: Huh. The rules of Boggle.
 * Nelson: Still takes guts!




 * Trainer: Play dead.
 * Dogs: [in unison] Hello. I'm Richard Whiteley. [They all collapse]

"Episode 2"

 * Nelson: Messing around with Catnip. You've let me down, you've let your friends down... but you know who you've let down most of all?
 * Marion: Myself?
 * Nelson: The Variety Club of Great Britain. [Cut to a scene where some excrement is seen on a minibus, with children behind a man shaking his head]
 * Marion: I made a crap in a sunshine coach?
 * Nelson: Oh yes, you very much did. There was no trip to Thorpe Park for those kiddies.




 * Nelson: You ate your own babies?
 * Vince: Well, you know how it is, Nelson - it's late, you can't be arsed to go to the all-night garage, you ain't got nothing in the fridge...
 * Nelson: Vince, you've got Muller Rice!
 * Vince: Well, yeah, but no spoons.
 * Nelson: Wait a minute. You ate six perfectly healthy children - your own children - just because you couldn't find a spoon!
 * Vince: In my defence, they are both rhubarb.

"Episode 3"

 * Marion: We have to break up!
 * Lollipop: You said I was special!
 * Marion: I know.
 * Lollipop: You said you loved me!
 * Marion: I do love you!
 * Lollipop: You touched me!
 * Marion: Yeah, and we can never tell anyone about that. I'm not even joking.
 * Lollipop: Don't you want to lick your Lollipop?




 * Nelson: They're not loveable Christopher Biggins showbiz gays after all - they're evil gays!
 * Marion: Oh no, the very worst kind of gay!

"Episode 4"

 * Animal of courage Dog: Target, an urban fox, reddish hair, about 2ft4, answers to Nelson, also the divine Ms Vulpine. Animals of courage do we know our battle plan? Bernie?
 * Bernie (cat): I'll get us in the gates.
 * Animal of courage Dog: Bobby?
 * Bobby (rabbit): I'll... Take... Out... The... Alarms!
 * Animal of courage Dog: Vince?
 * Vince: I'll get the guard, right, and I'll f**k him up, right like proper beat the f**k out of him. Then right, I'll get my c**k and ram it right down his throat. See how he likes being f**ked like a Spanish choir boy. [Humps demonstratively while all watch]
 * Animal of courage Dog: Okay Slight embellishment there Vince, but I'll- I'll let it slide.

"Episode 7"
Kali: You're an ironic folk hero, like that retarded kid who made that stupid Star Wars video.

Nelson: Ooh ooh, you mean.... Hayden Christensen?

"Episode 8"

 * Destiny: So I got a new job. Glamour model.
 * Kali: Don't tell me. Bloke in the park. Says he can make you famous.
 * Destiny: Maybe.
 * Kali: And as he spoke to you, just how furiously was he masturbating?
 * Destiny: Kali, if I can get this gig, it could lead to all sorts of other stuff.
 * Kali: Hmm, dog porn!!
 * Destiny: Acting...
 * Kali: Dog porn.
 * Destiny: Charity work...
 * Kali: Dog porn.




 * Nelson: Marion, for God's sake you're going to die!
 * Marion: Ah, but then I will wake up in a magical fantasy land, filled with virgins!
 * Nelson: You mean Games Workshop?

"Episode 4"
Nelson: hm? What do you think?

[Vince stares in open mouthed amazement at the interior design job Nelson has carried out on their section of the island]

Nelson: Ooh! And I had some spare materials left over so I made you... A hat!

[Nelson holds up a mirror for Vince to look in, and Vince looks into it]

Vince: F*ck me that is jaunty! That is jaunty! That is very f*ckin' jaunty! Ha-ha, now make me a waistcoat.

[Nelson sighs]