Monk (season 3)


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Monk (2002–2009) is a television comedy drama created by Andy Breckman about Adrian Monk, a former detective, and now consultant, for the San Francisco Police Department who suffers from a number of psychological disorders, including obsessive-compulsive disorder and several phobias.

Mr. Monk Takes Manhattan

 * [Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher have lost track of Monk after getting out of their cab]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Where is he?
 * Masul the Cabbie: Who?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: The guy in the front seat, where is he?
 * Masul the Cabbie: The nut?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yeah, the nut! Where'd he go?
 * Masul the Cabbie: What is he complaining about? My taxi is very clean! Why is he wiping, wiping, wiping everything?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Sir, your taxi is perfect! But where did he go?
 * Masul the Cabbie: Look, I don't care! I never pick him up again! I see him again, I keep driving! I don't care if I lose my license! You tell him, I'll keep driving!


 * [The federal authorities are refusing access to Warrick Tennyson, the bomb maker who killed Trudy Monk]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: How long does he have?
 * Capt. Walter Cage: Two, three days. He's being deposed in connection with that federal racketeering case, and they're afraid they're gonna lose him before they get what they need. They're not letting anybody else near him.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: You gave me your word.
 * Capt. Walter Cage: Come on, I didn't lie to you! If we close the ambassador case...
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Look, I don't care about the frigging ambassador! He means less than zero to me, okay? My friend's wife got blown up! You understand? And it killed him, too! In a way. [silence]
 * Capt. Walter Cage: If we close this case, we can call the press, we can call City Hall, we're gonna have juice. Come on, you know how this works! They won't dare say no to us. Captain, it's not just your best shot. It's your only shot.


 * [Monk accidentally gets pushed onto a departing subway train]
 * Sharona: Sir, sir! You've got to stop that train, he's all alone-!
 * Subway Cop: All right, ma'am, just calm down. It happens all the time. [lifts his radio] What's his name?
 * Sharona: Adrian Monk.
 * Subway Cop: And how old is he?
 * Sharona: He's forty-five.


 * Monk: You... it was you. You filthy, disgusting animal! YOU MAKE ME SICK!
 * [confused, everyone turns to look]
 * Busboy: Me?
 * Sharona: What are you doing? He's a busboy!
 * Monk: Sharona, don't you recognize him? From the subway! He's the Urinator! Urinator! It was you! Don't try to deny it-
 * Stottlemeyer: Monk...
 * Monk: We saw what you did-!
 * Stottlemeyer: Monk! Could we get back to the quadruple homicide, please?


 * [Monk and Sharona are in a diner where Monk wants to use his one pair of handcuffs to arrest someone who urinated in public earlier.]
 * Sharona: That man took a whiz in the subway. That man [gestures to Steven Leight] killed four people in cold blood.  Now who do you think we should arrest? [Monk thinks it over]
 * Monk: [hesitantly] The murderer.


 * [Monk meets with Tennyson in the hospital]
 * Warrick Tennyson: You were the husband.
 * Monk: I am the husband.
 * Warrick Tennyson: Forgive me.
 * Monk: [coldly] Forgive you? [reaches up to the morphine drip] This is me, turning off your morphine. [as Tennyson looks at him in pain, he becomes emotional] And this... is Trudy, the woman you killed... turning it back on.

Mr. Monk and the Panic Room

 * [Monk is patching up Benjy after he got into a fight at school.]
 * Monk: What's a wedgie?
 * Benjy: It's when you pull a kid's underwear all the way out of his pants.
 * Monk: When I was a kid they called it something else.
 * Benjy: What?
 * Monk: An "Adrian".


 * Sharona: Now Benjy, you're grounded! That means no TV, and no Playstation!
 * Benjy: Mom!
 * Monk: Sharona, he was just sticking up for a friend.
 * Sharona: Adrian, you stay out of this! You're not his father!
 * Monk: That's true, but I care about him as much as any father.
 * [He rips off the Band-Aid again.]
 * Benjy: OW!


 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: They call it a panic room. I know that's a difficult concept because for you every room is a panic room.
 * Monk: Thank you.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: If there's an intruder in the house, you run in there, you lock the door and wait for the cavalry.


 * [Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at Sharona's house]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: I hate this.
 * Lt. Disher: Why don't you stay back, sir? I can handle this.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, you can? Since when? [Sharona opens the door]
 * Sharona: Hey.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Sharona, we need to talk.
 * Sharona: About what?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: I think you know. [They walk into the house, which looks like it has been hit by an earthquake] What happened here? Did you have a party?
 * Sharona: It's Benjy. He never picks anything up.
 * Lt. Disher: Sharona, where's Darwin?
 * Sharona: What are you talking about?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: We're gonna find him. Is he here?
 * [Randy takes out his gun and begins going from room to room]
 * Sharona: Hey, would you put that away?! This is my house!
 * Lt. Disher: He's killed before.
 * Sharona: No he hasn't!
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Sharona, we know that you took him. Now either you tell us where he is or I'm going to have to take you in. That is the law.
 * Lt. Disher: [walks back out of the living room, speaking into his walkie-talkie] Living room secure, heading to the kitchen.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Randy, you don't have to use the walkie-talkie. I'm ten feet away.
 * Lt. Disher: Roger that.
 * [puts down the walkie-talkie and continues searching]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: [notices some vomit on a wall, and a lot of crooked pictures] Hey, what happened here?
 * Sharona: Benjy threw up.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: [incredulously] On the wall?
 * Sharona: It was pretty awful.
 * Lt. Randall Disher: [heads into the kitchen, and opens the closet, which swings open to reveal a stuffed teddy bear] Monkey! Monkey! Monkey! False alarm! False alarm!
 * [Sharona grabs the teddy bear from Randy]


 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Sharona, you were seen. The animal shelter has a surveillance camera. It recorded your car's license plate number as you drove away.
 * Sharona: They were gonna kill him!
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Are you going to tell me where he is?
 * Sharona: I can't.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Then I have to arrest you. [to Randy] Go ahead.
 * Lt. Disher: You have the right to remain silent, anything you say...
 * Sharona: Oh, Randy, gimme a break!
 * Lt. Disher: Damn it, Sharona, you're under arrest. Just turn around.
 * [As he reluctantly handcuffs her, Benjy comes home from school.]
 * Benjy: Mom?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Benjy, hey!
 * Benjy: What are you doing?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Uh... your mom bet Randy that she could get out of his handcuffs, and she couldn't. [to Randy] So, take them off... take 'em off.
 * [Ignoring Stottlemeyer's attempts to cover for her, Sharona walks over to Benjy, still handcuffed.]
 * Sharona: Benjy, you were right.
 * Benjy: About what?
 * Sharona: About standing up for that little boy in school. You did the right thing. So now I'm standing up for somebody who can't protect himself.
 * Benjy: You mean Darwin?
 * Sharona: Yeah. Look, everything's going to be okay, all right? Captain Stottlemeyer's going to take you to Aunt Gail's... [Benjy glances at Stottlemeyer, who nods] ... and you tell her to call Adrian. He'll know what to do... after I tell him.


 * [Dr. Kroger is at Monk's apartment because Sharona left Darwin loose with Monk.]
 * Dr. Charles Kroger: I can see your space has been violated, and I think you're handling it very well. I'm proud of you.  How do you feel?
 * Monk: [high-pitched voice] I'm fine. These things happen, what can you do?
 * Dr. Charles Kroger: Exactly, exactly. These are all just material objects.  You can always replace anything that he breaks, or chews, or... [sees] pees on.
 * Monk: Chews or pees on... Chews or pees on...

Mr. Monk and the Blackout

 * Michelle Rivas: Gene, what are you doing up there?
 * Gene Edelson: What am I doing? I am checking the auxillary generator.
 * Michelle Rivas: Well there's a reporter looking for you.
 * Gene Edelson: Well you're the company mouth. You talk to them. It's not my job. [spots Monk tapping one of the gauges on an instrument panel] Excuse me! Uh, do you see the sign? [Monk notices the "DO NOT TOUCH" sign over the gauge]
 * Monk: Ah, no problem. I got it. [He straightens it a few centimeters. Michelle chuckles]
 * Michelle Rivas: I've been dying to do that for six months. [Stottlemeyer and Disher return]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Hey Monk, we've got the prelim on the explosives. [Monk joins them to examine the remnants of the bomb] We think... four to five pounds of a high density plastique with a magnesium charge. It was detonated with an egg timer.
 * Monk: You mentioned the letters. Is that the letter?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yeah, three pages, taped to the back door outside. [Monk looks over Randy's shoulder to see the note]
 * Lt. Disher: Yeah it's a basic environmental laundry list: solar power, fossil fuels, Saudi Arabia, "it's the only planet we have."
 * Monk: [reading] "We are free men... unshackled by your barbarous laws." I know that phrase. I've heard that before. "Unshackled." "Barbarous laws." [He thinks for a few seconds] Ten years ago, that exact same phrase was in a letter, written by a guy named Winston... No yes, Winston Brenner. Trudy wrote an article about him.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: I remember that guy. He was a serious radicalist in Boston. He blew up a recruiting station; a couple of soldiers got killed.
 * Lt. Disher: Looks like he just came out of retirement.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Let's check him out.


 * Lt. Disher: Captain! [Stottlemeyer walks out to Randy's desk] Monk was right. And you're right too sir, about Monk being right. Check this out. Good work.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: What have you got, Randy?
 * Lt. Disher: [hands a file to Stottlemeyer] Winston Brenner. He was an activist in the 90s. He was indicted in a series of bombings in Boston. Pretty angry individual. [grabs evidence bags with two different notes; he holds up the left one first] Here, look at this. This is the note from the power plant. [holds up the one in his right hand] This one is from 11 years ago. He uses a lot of the same phrases: "The blood I shed today."/"The blood I shed today." "The price of absolute freedom."/"The price of absolute freedom." And check this out. The handwriting is identical. This is definitely the guy. The only thing is, is that back then, Brenner didn't really care about the environment. Anti-military was his thing.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Did you read the rest of the file, Randy? [Randy produces surveillance photos]
 * Lt. Disher: We've got some pictures too. They're blurry, but good.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Read the rest of the file, Randy.
 * Lt. Disher: Which part?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: The part here where it says that he died: "Deceased, 1995." Blew himself up before the trial.
 * Lt. Disher: He's dead.


 * Alby Drake: [protesting in a tree] No I'm not being reasonable, I'm sick and tired of being reasonable. I'm not coming down until you agree to build your stupid condos somewhere else!
 * [Monk and Sharona arrive]
 * Sharona: Did you call Michelle?
 * Monk: No.
 * Sharona: Did you think about it?
 * Monk: No.
 * Sharona: Did you think about thinking about it?
 * Monk: Sharona, I'm a married man.
 * Sharona: Captain, Lieutenant.
 * Lt. Disher: Sharona, Monk.
 * Sharona: What's going on?
 * Lt. Disher: Tree hugger.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: His name is Alby Drake. He was Winston Brenner's oldest friend; they were roommates at MIT.
 * Monk: How long has he been up there?
 * Construction Foreman: Ten days. He'll be down soon. The judge will be ordering an eviction notice by tomorrow morning.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: The FBI, in their infinite wisdom, now agrees that Winston Brenner may have faked his own death back in 1995. If Brenner is still alive, [points a bullhorn up at Drake] that scruffy bird up there might still be in contact with him.
 * Sharona: How does he go to the bathroom? [Almost immediately, everyone except for Randy steps back].


 * [Monk has a date with Michelle Rivas]
 * Sharona: Are you excited?
 * Monk: Yes... if by excited, you mean petrified and full of regret.
 * Sharona: "Petrified and full of regret". Welcome to the world of dating.
 * Monk: Captain!
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Monk. Sharona. I'm sure you've noticed by now that there used to be a big tree standing right over there.
 * Monk: What time?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: 4:35 AM. A security guard heard somebody start up the bulldozer. Moments later, ch-ch-ch, "Timber!" Drake was dead on impact.
 * Lt. Disher: He made a phone call though at around midnight.
 * Monk: To a payphone, right?
 * Lt. Disher: You guessed it: Palo Alto.
 * Sharona: Oh, well it had to be to Brenner. He's the guy.
 * Monk: So not only is Winston Brenner alive and well, he's making sure that his old pals don't rat him out.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: That's right. The FBI's calling at Palo Alto tonight. They want to compare notes; synchronize watches.
 * Monk: Ouch, whoa-whoa, I-I can't make it.
 * Sharona: He has a date.


 * Monk: That used to be my nickname, Mr. Punctuality.
 * Michelle Rivas: In college?
 * Monk: Kindergarten.


 * [Stottlemeyer and Disher burst in and point their guns at Winston Brenner]
 * Monk: Lieutenant, these are night-vision goggles! Turn the lights back off, I'll have the advantage!  Turn them off!
 * Lt. Disher: Yeah, we could do that... or we could just arrest him.

Mr. Monk Gets Fired

 * [Sharona is confused about Monk's near-catatonia after he lands a magazine job on his first interview.]
 * Sharona: What's the problem? It's a great job!
 * Monk: I had a great job. I-I was a cop, that's all I ever wanted to be.  I couldn't fix the whole world, I knew that.  But I could fix... little pieces of it, one little piece at a time.  Put things back together.  Sharona, I-I need it.  I miss it, I-I miss it so much...
 * Sharona: Hey, hey. I miss it too.


 * Monk: I solved the case!
 * Sharona: What are you doing?
 * Monk: I'm dancing a jig!
 * Sharona: That's not a jig.
 * Monk: What is it, then?
 * Sharona: I don't know, I don't want to know.
 * Monk: I'm back, baby!

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 * Sharona: 74 percent is good enough for me! [tackles the Commissioner and wrestles to grab his toupee].

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 * [Randy has given Stottlemeyer an update on an arson fire]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: What did the fire marshal have to say?
 * Lt. Disher: Two points of origin. And the test for artificial accelerant came back negative. Uh, positive. [turns to Karen's camera] Could I--should I go back and do it again?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: No. Now the question is... why would anybody torch a wig factory?
 * Lt. Disher: Probably the owner, for the insurance. [pause]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yeah that's an interesting theory, Randy, but um... the guy's dead, right? He died in the fire.

Mr. Monk Meets the Godfather

 * [Sharona has her car in the shop for repairs.]
 * Monk: Tell him about that noise your radio keeps making.
 * Sharona: That's my music.

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 * [FBI agent Colmes wants Monk to wear a wire into a meeting with mob kingpin Salvatore Lucarelli]
 * Monk: Okay, okay. Here's the thing: I can't have anything taped to my chest.
 * Agent Colmes: Ah, that's fine. Come here, I'll... let me show you this.  Ah, you see, these days... [pulls out a piece of paper] We can put a transmitter just about anywhere on the human body.  You have six options.
 * [Monk and Sharona examine the list, with Disher and Stottlemeyer looking over their shoulders.]
 * Monk: Number One... is out. Number Two... uh, you-you wouldn't actually shave me there, would you? [Colmes nods.] Okay... no thank you.  Number Three...
 * Sharona: What if you had to sit down?
 * Monk: Right. Good point.  Number Four... [slowly looks up at Colmes, then turns to Sharona] Even if I die, don't let them do Number Four.
 * Lt. Disher: Number Five.
 * Monk: I'll do... okay. I'll do it.  I'll try that.
 * Sharona: That's only for women!
 * Lt. Disher: Oh! Right.
 * Monk: Oh, yeah. Ah, Number Six... Number Six.  I'll... I can do that.
 * Agent Colmes: Number Six? Great.
 * Monk: Not Four.

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 * [Monk gets a confession from the real culprit, but discovers the wire wasn't working.]
 * Monk: Maybe we can trick him into... saying it again.
 * Agent Colmes: Oh, really? How're we gonna do that?
 * Monk: Well, I'll just go back there, sit down, and say... "What?"

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 * [Colmes refuses to support Monk's reinstatement since their sting didn't turn up any evidence against Salvatore.]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Let me tell you something. Adrian Monk may be afraid of germs, heights, elevators, and puppies... but you couldn't pack that man's lunch.
 * Agent Colmes: Ah, that's true. I've seen that man pack a lunch.  He's insane.

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 * [Stottlemeyer and Disher find Monk and Sharona at the FBI's post]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Hey! I showed them my ID downstairs. I just got to talk to my friend! What, you reaching for your gun? If you're reaching for your gun, you'd better pull it. Stand aside. [to Monk] Monk. [to Colmes] Colmes! Whaddaya think you're doing?!
 * Agent Colmes: This is a federal operation, Captain. You have no business being here.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, neither does he! What's going on?
 * Sharona: They want Adrian to go undercover in the Lucarelli family. [Randy looks at a surveillance photo of Sharona speaking with Fat Tony outside Salvatore's restaurant]
 * Lt. Disher: What's up with this picture of you and Fat Tony?
 * Sharona: Nothing! And don't call him that!
 * Lt. Disher: What? Are you defending him?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Why don't you start by telling them what happened to the last agent that tried to infiltrate the family? Oh, start by telling them where we found the body buried!
 * Sharona: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Buried?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Actually the parts that they found.
 * Agent Colmes: Okay, that's a different situation. That agent's cover was blown. Monk's been invited in. They already know that he's a cop.

Mr. Monk and the Girl Who Cried Wolf

 * [Sharona thinks she is losing her sanity like her father, and believes it's due to the stress of taking care of Monk.]
 * Sharona: I swear to God, if I have a breakdown, I'll never forgive him.
 * Dr. Kroger: Your father?
 * Sharona: Adrian.

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 * Varla Davis: [Picks up piece of paper] "List of Adrian Monk's fears and phobias." Hmm... "Germs, Needles, Snakes, Heights, Milk, Cr..." MILK?  You're afraid of milk?!  My three-year-old nephew isn't even afraid of milk!
 * Monk: You must be very proud of him.
 * Varla Davis: Why, for not being afraid of milk? That just means he's normal.

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 * [Monk just explained to Varla Davis what the boot tip means.]
 * Monk: Wipe.
 * Varla Davis: Wipe what!?
 * Monk: I say wipe and you give me a wipe. That's how it works.
 * Varla Davis: Well you better get over "it" fast!

Mr. Monk and the Employee of the Month

 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: [about bubble wrap] Are you going to pop all of these?
 * Monk: No choice.
 * ''[Stottlemeyer picks up another side and starts popping it.]
 * Monk: You've gotta depress it with your thumb—
 * Capt Stottlemeyer: Monk, I know how to pop bubble wrap!
 * [He calls two more officers over]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Start popping these.
 * [They keep popping for a few seconds.]
 * Officer: Is there any reason why we're doing this?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Nope. Just keep popping.
 * Monk: Thanks. I really appreciate it.

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 * Sharona: [in a "Mega-Mart" warehouse] Tired?
 * Lt. Disher: I was up all night with my girlfriend.
 * Sharona: Yeah, those imaginary girlfriends can be pretty wild.
 * Lt. Disher: She's not imaginary.
 * Sharona: [sarcastically] Really? What's her name?
 * Lt. Disher: Crystal.
 * Sharona: [sees box labeled "Crystal Glassware"] What's her last name? Glassware?
 * Lt. Disher: No, it's Smith.
 * Sharona: You have a picture?
 * [Disher takes a picture from his wallet and gives it to Sharona]
 * Sharona: Oh, she's pretty. [Turns over picture] Randy, this came with the wallet!
 * Lt. Disher: Yeah, I know. She's a wallet model.
 * Sharona: That's sad.
 * Lt. Disher: Sharona, she's one of the world's top five wallet models! Thank you very much.

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 * [Monk is late for dinner]
 * Sharona: So where is he, anyway?
 * Joe Christie: Last I saw, he was putting away boxes in the shoe department.
 * Sharona: He's putting boxes away?
 * Joe Christie: [laughing] Yeah...
 * Sharona: Oh, God. Maybe we'd better go ahead and start ordering now, you know?

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 * Joe Christie: [indicates the prize mug] What do you think?
 * Monk: I think Edna was killed over this mug.
 * Joe Christie: Really?
 * Monk: No.
 * Joe Christie: Well, maybe it's made out of gold and painted over.
 * Monk: Joe... [He taps the mug with his pen. It's obviously ceramic]
 * Joe Christie: Hey, you said try 300 theories until one fits.
 * Monk: I said that?
 * Joe Christie: Yeah. I remember everything you ever said, God help me.

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 * [Monk and Christie look through Jenny's special privileges]
 * Monk: Tell me about the Lobster Barrel.
 * Joe Christie: It's a family place. It's noisy, there's a million kids. You wouldn't last five minutes. It's got a great all-you-can-eat buffet with seven different kinds of shrimp: jumbo shrimp, batter-dipped shrimp, tempura shrimp...
 * Monk: Okay, stop telling me about the Lobster Barrel.
 * Joe Christie: ...barbecued shrimp...
 * Monk: Stop.

Mr. Monk and the Game Show

 * [Lizzie Talvo is showing an old tape of a Treasure Chest game to her boss]
 * Roddy Lankman: Doesn't prove anything.
 * Lizzie Talvo: It proves everything and you know that! Do you wanna see it again?!
 * Roddy Lankman: No thanks, I hate watching myself on TV.
 * Lizzie Talvo: Roddy, why did you do it?
 * Roddy Lankman: You ever been in debt, Lizzie? And I mean real debt. It changes everything.
 * Lizzie Talvo: That's no excuse. [goes to her dining room with the VHS tape, which she puts into an envelope and addresses it to Dwight Ellison]
 * Roddy Lankman: What are you doing?
 * Lizzie Talvo: The right thing!
 * Roddy Lankman: Look, Lizzie, if this is your way of asking for a raise, it worked! Hey, how much do you want?
 * Lizzie Talvo: I don't want money, Roddy, I'm not you.
 * Roddy Lankman: All right, you don't want money. Whaddaya want?
 * Lizzie Talvo: I want to be able to sleep at night. I want to be able to be proud of the show the way I used to be!

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 * [Before the show, Monk and Dwight talk to Val Birch while a crew member adjusts his outfit]
 * Dwight Ellison: Val Birch? This is my old friend Adrian Monk.
 * Val Birch: Adrian? Ooh, gym glass must have been hell with a name like that.
 * Monk: Yes, yes it was-
 * Val Birch: Are you nearly done or do you just like touching me?
 * Stagehand: Almost done.
 * Dwight Ellison: Adrian's here from San Francisco.
 * Val Birch: Oh, Frisco? God-awful town! I was there last year. It was foggy the whole week! When are they gonna do something about all that fog?
 * Monk: Well, I-I don't know. I'll make some calls.
 * Val Birch: I couldn't see a damn thing! Not even that, um, uh, golden bridge they've got.
 * Monk: The Golden Gate.
 * Val Birch: No, genius, the bridge.
 * Monk: Right, that's what they call it: the Golden Gate-
 * Val Birch: Okay, okay! Testing 1-2-3, we're done! [walks away]
 * Dwight Ellison: [to Monk] That idiot's won seven times in a row!

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 * [Visiting his former in-laws' house, Monk briefly stops near Trudy's room... and opens the door]
 * Marcia Ellison: It's still how she left it. Do you want to go in? There might be something you want to keep.
 * [Monk takes a step forward... then steps back and closes the door]
 * Monk: I can't.
 * Marcia Ellison: I know. Took me two-and-a-half years.
 * Monk: How did you do it, Marcia? How did you survive?
 * Marcia Ellison: I didn't think I would. I was buried alive.
 * Monk: Buried alive...
 * Marcia Ellison: And then one day... the sun came up. Garden was blooming. Kids were riding by the house on their bikes, and... I decided to give the world a second chance. It's still a beautiful world, Adrian.

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 * [Kevin and Monk are looking inside Val Birch's house, and are debating whether they can go in]
 * Kevin Dorfman: I know, I'll lean in.
 * Monk: What?
 * Kevin Dorfman: Yeah, you can lean anywhere you want to. It's in the Constitution.
 * Monk: I can't imagine what Constitution you're referring to.

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 * [Monk and Kevin have been to Birch's house and Monk decides he has to get closer]
 * Monk: I have to get closer.
 * Kevin Dorfman: Closer? Yesterday, we were in the front row. You can't get much closer than that.
 * [cuts to another Treasure Chest show in the process of being taped]
 * Roddy Lankman: Please welcome to the show Adrian Monk! [Monk feverishly steps out, and uprights a gold goblet before taking his place at his podium] Welcome to the show, Adrian. [Kevin and Dwight are watching the show on the backstage monitors]
 * Kevin Dorfman: Mr. E, you are not going to regret this.
 * Roddy Lankman: [onstage] -Before we start, is there anybody you would like to say hello to?
 * Monk: Yes.
 * Roddy Lankman: Who'd that be?
 * Monk: Sharona. She's in New Jersey, visiting her mother.
 * Roddy Lankman: That's very nice. How long have you and Sharona been married?
 * Monk: No, no, no. Sharona is my nurse. I was married but my wife Trudy was killed by a car bomb. [cuts to backstage]
 * Stagehand: Did he just say "car bomb"?
 * Monk: [continuing] Which is why I've devoted my life to putting criminals behind bars.

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 * [Monk's game enters the second round]
 * Roddy Lankman: Welcome back to Treasure Chest. My name is Roddy Lankman, and our reigning champ, Val Birch, is in the lead again with $3,000. In second place, Susan with $0, and Adrian, you're at -$1,000.
 * Monk: Well Roddy, I think my luck is about to change.
 * Roddy Lankman: Well there's only one way to find out: let's do Round 2 and dig for treasure. For $4,000, the bone that connects your knee to your ankle is the A) fibula, B) tibia- [Monk buzzes in]
 * Monk: B, Tibia.
 * Roddy Lankman: Uh, that is correct! [Applause is heard offstage; Birch scorches a glare at Monk] Next question: how many square yards in an acre? [Birch immediately buzzes in]
 * Val Birch: It's C.
 * Roddy Lankman: Uh, C is correct. It's 4,840 square yards.
 * Val Birch: Lucky guess.
 * Roddy Lankman: Lucky guess indeed. For $5,000- [Monk buzzes in]
 * Monk: D.
 * Roddy Lankman: Uh, D is correct. Another lucky guess. For $5,500, President McKinley was assassinated in-[Monk presses his buzzer several times]
 * Monk: D-D-D-D. The answer is D, Roddy.
 * Roddy Lankman: D is correct. The next question, who- [Monk buzzes in insistently]
 * Monk: B-B-B-B-B-B!
 * Roddy Lankman: "B" is correct, it's Jackson Brown. [Susan collapses on her podium] Susan, are you okay?
 * Susan: I-I just-it looked so much easier when I was watching at home!
 * Roddy Lankman: Yes it always looks easier at home. For $6,000- [Susan buzzes in]
 * Susan: C!
 * Roddy Lankman: No, C is not right. [Monk buzzes in]
 * Monk: A.
 * Roddy Lankman: 'A' is correct, "the wombat". And the last question for $6,000, what element- [Monk rings in]
 * Monk: D.
 * Roddy Lankman: D is correct. And that's the end of Round 2, a couple of really intelligent gentlemen here. Uh, that means Adrian Monk is the winner of Round 2! Val Birch, you're gonna have to sit this one out this time. [Tanya hands Roddy the first bonus round question] Adrian, you understand what happens in Round 2: you answer these five questions correctly, you not only win this game, but you win this great big pot of gold. [gestures to the table with the treasure chests] You know how we play our game, you have five questions. Let's see how you do. [reads from the first card] Adrian, who was the first president to win a Nobel Peace Prize? [SPOILER: the answer is Theodore Roosevelt]
 * Monk: Roddy, I understand I can phone a friend.
 * Roddy Lankman: [scoffs] You wanna phone a friend on the first question? Well, you're the boss. Tanya, let's bring him the phone. [Tanya grabs a treasure chest with the phone while Roddy addresses his viewers] For those of you just joining us for the first time, Adrian is going to call a friend to see if he can get some help on this very important bonus round question. [Tanya hands Monk the phone] All right, who would you like to call?
 * Monk: Well, Roddy, I would like to call him. [points to Val Birch]
 * Val Birch: Me? You want to call me? I don't think I'm at home! [laughs]
 * Roddy Lankman: Mr. Monk, what are you doing?
 * [up in the producer's booth, Kevin turns to Dwight]
 * Kevin Dorfman: Do you know what he's doing? Because I don't know what he's doing.
 * Monk: [onstage] I'm trying to prove that you are guilty of murder, Mr. Lankman, or at the very least, manslaughter. Lizzie Talvo, your personal assistant, discovered that you were cheating on the show. [Monk ignores the gasps of the horrified audience]
 * Roddy Lankman: Uh, can we go to a commercial break? [Dwight immediately turns to his associates]
 * Dwight Ellison: You do and you're fired.

Mr. Monk Takes His Medicine

 * [A biker, Dewey Albert, comes out of a store but finds a police officer and undercover cop waiting by his motorcycle]
 * Dewey Albert: Aw, man!
 * Officer Cooper: Hi Dewey. Did you miss me?
 * Dewey Albert: [to the undercover cop sitting on the bike] Come on, get off the bike. Arrest me, do whatever you want with me, just don't touch the bike!
 * Officer Cooper: You skipped out on your hearing yesterday; made our Captain very very angry.
 * Dewey Albert: Well you can tell Stottlemeyer he can kiss my ass.
 * Undercover Cop: You can tell him yourself; he'll be here any second.
 * Officer Cooper: Come on, you know the routine, put your hands on the car. [Dewey obeys and Cooper tries to handcuff him]
 * Dewey Albert: Have you guys got anything better to do?
 * [A car pulls up; the driver pulls a gun out of the glove compartment and aims it out the passenger's side window]
 * Dewey Albert: Get off my bike.
 * Undercover Cop: You know I think I'll take it for a ride.
 * Dewey Albert: Don't do that, hey. [he tries to move but Cooper restrains him. Stottlemeyer and Disher pull up in their own car]
 * Undercover Cop: What is this, a vintage Softtail? 80 incher? I've always wanted to ride one of these.
 * Lt. Disher: Hey Coop. This guy giving you any trouble? [A gunshot is heard and the driver's window on Stottlemeyer's unit shatters. The cops duck behind the patrol cars, shouting to each other as the gunman continues to fire at them and speeds away].

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 * Sharona: I am your nurse! Why didn't you tell me?
 * Monk: Because I knew you'd bring me down! You're bringing the Monk down, man.

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 * Monk: Hey, you know what they say: wherever the Monk is, it's Mardi Gras.

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 * [Monk shows up at Marlene Highsmith's apartment, where Sharona is waiting]
 * Sharona: Is it you?
 * Monk: I think so. [touches a lamp]
 * Sharona: What happened to "the Monk"?
 * Monk: Trudy didn't like him.

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 * [Monk and Sharona are speeding through the streets to stop Lester Highsmith]
 * Monk: A Stop sign is not a suggestion!!
 * Sharona: Yes it is!
 * [cuts to Lester and his accomplice loading money boxes into the back of their van. After finishing loading the money, Lester pulls a gun on the hostage guard]
 * Lester Highsmith: Sorry, Kelly, nothing personal. [Monk and Sharona come speeding into the industrial park. Lester and his partner look up as the car screeches to a stop]
 * Monk: Lester! Drop the gun!
 * Lester Highsmith: You? [starts to lower his gun, but stops] Is that a water pistol? [The barrel is dripping]
 * Monk: No. [pause] Maybe. [Lester starts to raise his gun again. Police cars begin to approach just behind Monk] It's... scalding! It's scalding hot water! Just drop it! [As an unmarked unit screeches to a stop, Stottlemeyer hangs out the door]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Lester, drop it!

Mr. Monk and the Red Herring

 * [Monk is interviewing candidates for his new assistant.]
 * Nurse #2: What would my hours be?
 * Monk: Nine A.M....
 * Nurse #2: Until...?
 * Monk: Until one...
 * Nurse #2: One P.M.?
 * Monk: Until one of us dies.

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 * [Monk is investigating Natalie Teeger's house to figure what the two intruders who have broken into her house might have been after]
 * Monk: Is there money in the house?
 * Natalie: No.
 * Monk: What about the coffee can? Isn't that where you hide your money?
 * Natalie: How did you know that?
 * Monk: There's coffee grounds on the counter, indicating it's been opened recently. But you don't have a coffee maker.
 * Julie Teeger: [whispering] Wow, he's like Velma from Scooby-Doo!

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 * [Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher look at Natalie's fish]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: It's a goldfish.
 * Monk: Technically, it's a crimson marblefish.
 * Lt. Disher: Is it extinct?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: If it was extinct, we wouldn't be looking at it, would we?

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 * [watching a somber parrot]
 * Natalie: What happened to him?
 * Monk: His wife died.
 * Pet Store Owner: That's right. We had a female in there with him, but she died about a year ago. How did you know that?
 * Natalie: Why not put another female in there with him?
 * Monk: Won't work. He'll never feel the same about anyone else.
 * Pet Store Owner: That's right. How did you know that? We put another female in there with him, but I'm afraid ol' Sergeant Pepper is going to grow old and die alone in this little cage. [pause]
 * Natalie: [to Monk] What was her name?
 * Monk: Trudy.

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 * [Pursuing tour guide Lyle Peck through the museum, Natalie drags Monk through a walk-through exhibit of a woman's reproductive system.]
 * Natalie: Pretend you're in a funhouse.
 * Monk: Funhouse?! What's fun about fallopian tubes?!
 * [Later, up the tunnel]
 * Natalie: Okay, fetus ahead!
 * Monk: Ahhhh!
 * [They turn into the fallopian tubes.]
 * Monk: Ah, no! Oh, I c— I can't go up there, I— ah, I-I-I-I don't even know this woman!

Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra

 * [In John Ricca's apartment]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: [to an officer] Get a list of tenants. Start knocking on doors. [Randy comes in, awestruck] Lieutenant, I thought you had the perimeter. [Randy starts pointing at various Sonny Chow movie posters in the living room]
 * Lt. Disher: Fist of the Cobra, 1975. I've got that same poster in my room. [points at another poster behind the TV] Oh look at this! It's from Ten Fingers of Doom. He broke his arm doing that stunt, but he still finished the scene, though. [squats in front of the TV and finds a VHS tape] Oh my God!
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: What?
 * Lt. Disher: He's got a bootleg copy of Enter the Cobra. Can I have it?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: No you can't have it, Detective! This is a crime scene!
 * Lt. Disher: Let's watch it. [starts to put it into the VCR, but stops and reconsiders it] Okay. Sir, I have a theory on this: this guy John Ricca. He's published a book on Sonny Chow, right?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Right.
 * Lt. Disher: Well it was a real hatchet-job, I mean it made the Cobra look terrible.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: The Cobra?
 * Lt. Disher: Sonny Chow. Maybe we should be looking for a Sonny Chow fan. I mean they all hated the book, and most of them? Pretty nuts. I mean, I've seen the conventions all the time and they were real fanatics. [Monk and Natalie come in and step over the body to join Stottlemeyer and Disher]
 * Monk: Captain?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Monk, thank you for coming. Miss Teeger. I assume they filled you in downstairs.
 * Monk: More or less. How did he enter the building?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: He broke in through a door on the roof around 4:00 AM, but get this: when he left after the murder, he took the elevator down and ran out.
 * Monk: He didn't mind being seen?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: No.
 * Natalie: Was he really killed with nunchucks?
 * Lt. Disher: Yeah, check this out. [walks in with an evidence bag containing the death nunchucks] Gold-plated. Look at those insignias. Sonny purchased ones like these in Ninja Fury.
 * Monk: The killer left these behind?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, they either belonged to the killer or to the victim. I mean, he was writing a book on all this crap. [An officer hands a VHS tape to Stottlemeyer]
 * Police Officer: Captain, here's the videotape you wanted.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Ah, thank you. [plugs it into the VCR] Elevator B, at... 4:07. Let's have a look. [He presses play. A grainy image of a ninja getting on the elevator is seen]
 * Natalie: You can't even see his face!
 * Lt. Disher: He looks like the Cobra. Sonny wore a uniform just like that in Kung-Fu Assassin.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Sonny Chow is dead. [walks back into the other room, where the medical examiner is standing over Ricca's body] Doctor, give me a good note.
 * Medical Examiner: He was clutching some hair. He must have grabbed it off the killer's head. That means we have a shot at some DNA.
 * Monk: How could he grab any hair? We just saw the tape. The intruder was wearing a hood.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well it could have fallen off during the fight.
 * Medical Examiner: Because we hit her. The victim wrote you a note. [Under Ricca's right hand is the word "OW," written in blood. Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher all squat to examine it]
 * Lt. Disher: "OW"? Why would anybody write "OW"? Usually, that's something you'd say. [Monk moves Ricca's arm aside, revealing the whole word: "CHOW"] Oh my God. Chow's alive. Sir, the rumors are true: he's been hiding out overseas just waiting for a time to make a comeback.

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 * [Stottlemeyer makes a late night visit to Monk's apartment. Monk, carrying a container of light bulbs, answers]
 * Monk: Captain.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Hey. Got a minute?
 * Monk: Sure. [Stottlemeyer comes in and Monk closes the door]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: What are you doing?
 * Monk: Oh, nothing. I was just... polishing the light bulbs. What's going on?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Uhh, you remember that convention I went to in Atlanta about three years ago?
 * Monk: Uhhhh....
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, something happened there that I didn't tell you about: I landed, I hailed a cab, and, I recognized the cab driver. It was Harold Burnshaw.
 * Monk: Burnshaw?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Burnshaw. He used to be a Fed, he was a real player. He used to head the FBI's field office in Atlanta until the 1996 Olympic Games.
 * Monk: The Plaza bombing?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Exactly. They accused the wrong guy. Burnshaw booted it big-time on network television, instant career-killer. Now he's driving a cab. Monk, you should have seen his face. I'll never forget it.
 * Monk: What does this have to do with-
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Twenty years ago, Sonny Chow froze some of his own blood in the event that he needed surgery. So they've got bulletproof DNA for a comparison, and that's a prelim on the hair we found at the crime scene.
 * Monk: [reads from the file] It's a match.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: It's Sonny Chow's hair. No question about it. He's been dead for six years, and he's my primary suspect.
 * Monk: Yeah...
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Now if I go public with this, and I'm wrong, I'm gonna wind up at the airport, picking up cops who still have jobs! Can you help me with this? I mean, I've gotta know, I've gotta be certain. Is this guy alive or dead?

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 * Natalie: [as Monk puts a small coin in a donation jar at the museum] It says five dollars.
 * Monk: Suggested donation. Considered their suggestion. Appreciate their suggestion. Decided to give less.

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 * [Three police cars intercept Chris Downey's pickup truck as he drives out of the cemetery]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Turn off the motor! Throw your keys out the window! [Downey complies]
 * Lt. Disher: [advancing on Downey, his gun drawn] Show me your hands, Downey! Show me your hands! Get out of the car! Get out of the car! [Downey slowly opens his door just as Natalie runs up.]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Natalie, stay back! Stay back! [He forces Downey onto the hood of his truck] Where's Monk?! What did you do with him?
 * Chris Downey: Relax, Captain. He's still alive, for now.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Where is he? What did you do with him? We can save both of your lives.
 * Chris Downey: If you wanna find your friend, I want something too: I want a car to the airport. [produces a small bag from his uniform pocket] I'm already packed. I want a jet that can fly 2,000 miles without refuelling. When I'm in the air, I'll tell you, A) Where I'm going, and B) where you can dig up... [stammers] Di-Dig. Y-you can dig. [immediately has a heart attack and collapses to the ground]
 * Natalie: Oh my God, I think he's had a heart attack! [They start to perform CPR on him]
 * Lt. Disher: He's got no pulse.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Downey! Downey!
 * Natalie: Don't die on us!

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 * [Monk has been buried alive.]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: I want that backhoe ready and running! Keep it running! [to the search party] All right, listen up!  We figure he's got about forty minutes of air if he's not panicking... figure on fifteen minutes. This is Monk, I want the best you've got! So we're gonna spread out and we're gonna work the grid, all right! We're looking for fresh dirt, tire tracks, footprints, anything! Let's go-go!
 * Lt. Disher: Captain! There's a problem; the cemetery's just expanded. They just tore down a restaurant over there. It's all dug up, like, an acre and a half. Monk could be anywhere.
 * Natalie: Captain, it's already been 20 minutes. Even if you find him, he'll be a basket case!

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 * Trudy: Adrian, listen to me -- I want you to do something for me. I want you to close my office and pay her what she needs.
 * Monk: I c-- I can't close...
 * Trudy: It's just four walls and a door, it means nothing!

Mr. Monk Gets Cabin Fever

 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: [observing Kathy Willowby through binoculars] She's carrying two packages. Looks like ice.
 * Monk: Exactly! She's been buying ice all day. That makes 16 bags she's brought in so far.
 * Natalie: Maybe she's having a party.
 * Monk: No food! No beer, no chips, just ice!
 * Capt.Stottlemeyer: Maybe she's having an Adrian Monk party.
 * Monk: The only other thing that she bought today is a new radio. Plus, I am positive I heard a man screaming at 1:15 last night!
 * Capt.Stottlemeyer: That was me. You tied my foot to the bed.
 * Monk: I mean before that, and it was definitely coming from that cabin. [shushes them; faint country music can be heard from across the lake] You hear that? She said her husband didn't let her play country music in the house.
 * Natalie: Maybe he's not home.
 * Monk: Where did he go? There's his boat! They only have the one car.
 * Natalie: Maybe he went on a walk!
 * Monk: No, I have been watching the house all day. Captain, I have not seen him.
 * [Stottlemeyer goes inside while Monk and Natalie continue to observe Kathy. Stottlemeyer comes back out of the FBI cabin carrying the phone]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: It's ringing.
 * Natalie: But Agent Grooms said "no calls."
 * Capt.Stottlemeyer: Agent Grooms can kiss- [Kathy picks up the phone]
 * Kathy Willowby: Hello?
 * Capt.Stottlemeyer: Oh, hello. Mrs. Willowby.
 * Kathy Willowby: Yes?
 * Capt.Stottlemeyer: Uh, is Martin there? My name's Darrell Hendershot. I'm a friend of Martin's. We went to high school together. Uh, we're having a big high school reunion.
 * Kathy Willowby: Oh, I'm so sorry! He is on the lake fishing.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, well, okay. I'll call back later!
 * Kathy Willowby: You do that.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Thank you very much. [hangs up] She says that he's on the lake fishing.
 * Monk: Captain, she killed him. [Natalie sets down the binoculars in disgust]
 * Natalie: You have got to be kidding. Can I take you anywhere?!

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 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: [about Kathy Willowby electrocuting her husband] Monk... are you sure? I mean, are you really sure?  And don't give me any of that "95 percent" crap.
 * Monk: Captain, I am one hundred percent sure... that she probably killed him.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: What does that mean?
 * [There is a lightning strike outside and a clap of thunder]
 * Monk: 95 percent.

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 * [In the woods]
 * Monk: Are we lost? Tell me the truth, I can take it.
 * Natalie: We're... [Stottlemeyer mouths, "NO!"] ...not lost.
 * Monk: Oh, my God! WE'RE LOST!

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 * [In the woods, Monk stumbles and grabs a tree to keep his balance.]
 * Monk: Ooh, I got nature, I got nature on my hand! [Natalie wipes off the dirt with a leaf] What are you doing? You can't clean nature with nature!

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 * Kathy Willowby: [after the FBI and Capt. Stottlemeyer have killed the assassins] Is it over?
 * Deputy Paul Coby: Not for you. I'm gonna order a full autopsy on Martin's body; they'll know if it was lightning or electrocution. [He leads her house of the house while Monk, Natalie and Randy get up]
 * Lt. Disher: [to Monk and Natalie] So what the hell happened here?
 * Natalie: She electrocuted her husband!
 * Lt. Disher: Well, looks like we've all had a pretty full day: you guys solved a homicide, and I led those two hit men into our trap.

Mr. Monk Gets Stuck in Traffic

 * [Julie has to go to the bathroom.]
 * Monk: No, Julie, wait. Here. I'll give you ten dollars to hold it in.
 * Julie: Really?
 * Natalie: Mr. Monk, what are you doing? You can't pay a person not to pee!
 * Monk: Best money I ever spent.
 * Julie: Sure he can. It's called the free market. I learned about it in school. So, Mr. Monk... how much would you pay me not to throw up?
 * [about five miles later]
 * Julie: Here.
 * Monk: What's this?
 * Julie: I'm returning your money. I'm not gonna make it.

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 * [Monk is getting onto the Korn tour bus so Julie can use the restroom.]
 * Monk: They spelled "Corn" wrong!

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 * Monk: I like your music. It's very... musical. But I wish I could understand more of the words.

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 * Monk: I play the clarinet. Played with Willie Nelson.

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 * Monk: [to a Korn member] I like your socks.
 * Band Member: They're not socks. [He pulls up his pant leg and uncovers a very large tattoo, and Monk covers his eyes and Julie's eyes.].

Mr. Monk Goes to Vegas

 * [Monk and Natalie have arrived in Las Vegas]
 * Monk: They [the gamblers] look miserable.
 * Natalie: They are miserable. You might be the happiest person here.
 * [immediately, a woman at a slot machine behind them screams and jumps up and down in joy].

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 * [Stottlemeyer has been awakened from a hangover by knocking at the door]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Where's my pants? Hey Randy, where's my pants?
 * Lt. Disher: [mumbling] You threw them out the window.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Why'd I do that?
 * Lt. Disher: One of the girls bet you a dollar you wouldn't.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: [takes a dollar out of the waistband of his boxer shorts] Looks like she paid off. [more pounding at the door] Coming. COMING! Quit with the pounding! [looks through the peephole] Which one of you idiots invited Monk?!

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 * [Monk is trying to help Stottlemeyer remember the events of his hangover]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: I talked to someone.
 * Monk: Good! There you go. Who?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: It was a man. [beat] Or a woman.
 * Monk: Ah. Man or a woman. That narrows it down. So--so--so it wasn't a child.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Could have been.

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 * [Monk watches as Stottlemeyer sings karaoke to get information from someone]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: [singing "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers] Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, it's not warm when she's away. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, she's always gone too long..."
 * [Natalie comes in and sees Stottlemeyer at the mic]
 * Monk: Don't ask.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: [singing] ... anytime she goes away. Wonder this time where she's gone, wonder if she's gone to stay...
 * Wanda: Do the dance, you did a little dance.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: [singing] Ain't no sunshine, when she's gone. So, gone too long, anytime she goes away...
 * Wanda: Turn around, I wanna see your tush.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: [singing] I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know...
 * Wanda: Those are different pants. Where're the jeans? [Stottlemeyer stops singing]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Look, lady, a deal is a deal. I sang the song, now tell me what I said last night.
 * Wanda: All you said was, "They don't match."
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: "They don't match"? What doesn't match?
 * Wanda: I don't know, you didn't say.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Wait, wait, wait. Is that it? Is that all you got?
 * Wanda: Leland, sing it again. I just love the way you sing.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: [sighs] Thank you.
 * [He goes over to Monk and Natalie]
 * Monk: You were good.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Shut up.

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 * [Monk refuses to look at the showgirls on stage]
 * Natalie: Mr. Monk, they're not naked.
 * Monk: They're naked-ish!
 * Natalie: Well, I can't argue with you there. They are naked-ish.

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 * [Stottlemeyer has solved the case while drunk]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: So, that means if I'm drunk as a skunk, completely plastered, I'm as smart as you?
 * Monk: Smarter!

Mr. Monk and the Election

 * [Natalie refuses to drop out of the school board race after a sniper attack]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: And I'm assigning you a bodyguard. Lieutenant... [pins a "Vote Teeger" pin to Randy's lapel] ...thank you for volunteering!
 * Natalie: He's my bodyguard?!
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: 24/7!
 * Natalie: I'm still not dropping out!

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 * [Disher tests some lasagna Whitman brought in]
 * Lt. Disher: A little too much oregano, but it's not poisoned.
 * Jack Whitman: That's what every cook likes to hear.

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 * [while Stottlemeyer and Monk question Harold Krenshaw, Stottlemeyer takes a bite of a coconut donut]
 * Harold Krenshaw: Now you have to eat a sugar one.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Don't want a sugar one.
 * Monk: Then you could take three more coconuts and two chocolate.
 * Harold Krenshaw: Or two coconuts and two glazed.
 * Monk: Or he could just eat all of them. That would be easier.
 * Harold Krenshaw: That's a good idea.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Or, I can do this. [He grabs the box, mashes it, then folds it in half, and pokes a hole in the middle] There. Now there's one donut. One big damn donut.

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 * [Monk walks into Stottlemeyer's office]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: [not looking up from his desk] Don't you ever get tired of being right?
 * Monk: I do feel tired. More fatigued, really. I don't know if it's from being right or-
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: It was a rhetorical question, Monk. We might be on to something here. [hands Monk a file] Jack Whitman. He's been sent up twice, first time for mail fraud and receiving stolen property. Lately, he's been importing rugs.
 * [Monk looks up from the file]
 * Monk: Rugs?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yeah, rugs, from places like Chechnya, Uzbekistan. Sound familiar?
 * Monk: [realizing] The shell casing and the grenade.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: The Feds think that he's a major arms dealer. They raided his office six months ago. They came up empty-handed: no guns, no nothing, no paper trail. All they could get him on was tax evasion. He did five months. He just got out last Wednesday.
 * Monk: And two days later, he's on a roof taking shots at Natalie.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Then he joins her campaign, and then he tries to take you out?
 * Monk: What do you think he's after?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: [stands up] I'm not gonna find out. Let's go get him.
 * Monk: I can't go. You're on your own. Natalie's waiting for me downstairs. I have to go vote.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, that's good. You're doing your civic duty.
 * Monk: There's that. Also, if I don't vote, Natalie will - you know.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: I know.

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 * [Monk, Natalie, and Randy have just escaped a grenade blast]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Disher told me that you put the grenade in the refrigerator.
 * Monk: Oh. Yeah.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: And then he said, you went back and opened it again. You just had to straighten something out, didn't you? [Monk shrugs] I'm going ask the mayor to give you a medal for what you did, and then I'm going to ask the mayor to take that medal back, because you just had to open that door.
 * Monk: It's a wash, isn't it?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: It's a wash.
 * Monk: Captain, that grenade... had Russian markings on it.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yeah I know, we found a piece of it. It was made in Chechnya. This guy must be very well connected. Whoever he is, you must be making him nervous.

Mr. Monk and the Kid

 * [Monk is babysitting Tommy.]
 * Teresa Crane: Now... before I go, do you have any questions for me?
 * Monk: Yes, yes, I have a couple of questions. What does he eat?
 * Teresa Crane: He... eats food. He eats whatever you eat, only smaller portions.
 * Monk: Oh. So he's like a person.

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 * [Monk calls 9-1-1 while babysitting Tommy.]
 * 911 Operator: You mean, you've never changed a diaper?
 * Monk: Hurry!
 * 911 Operator: Okay, sir. On the side of the diaper there should be two Velcro straps.
 * Monk: Okay, I've got the straps.
 * 911 Operator: Now rip 'em open!
 * [sound of Velcro ripping]
 * Monk: Oh! Oooohh!  Oh, my God!  Oh, the humanity!

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 * [Monk and Natalie have brought Tommy along as they stake out the Carlyles]
 * Natalie: Oh, my God! What is this?  Why is he wearing a helmet?
 * Monk: To protect his head.
 * Natalie: It must be so uncomfortable.
 * Monk: Oh, he'll get used to it. I used to wear one all the time.
 * Natalie: Your parents made you wear a helmet?
 * Monk: No.

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 * Natalie: We just got your call. You found a body?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Not quite. There is a two year old boy named Tommy Graser-
 * Lt. Disher Uh, not two years. 22 months. Not quite two.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Whatever. Anyway, he was, um, separated from his mother-
 * Lt. Disher: No, uh, his guardian. She's not actually his mother. She, uh, runs a foster home. For the record.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: For the record, stand over there. [Randy walks a short distance away] Anyway, he was in the playground, and he disappeared for about ten minutes-
 * Lt. Disher: Uh 14 minutes. [Under Stottlemeyer's watchful glare, Randy takes a few steps back]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: When we found him, the little boy had a severed human finger.
 * Natalie: A finger?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: A pinkie. It was still bleeding, freshly severed, uh, probably about four hours ago.
 * Lt. Disher: Yeah about four hours ago.
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: I just said that, Randy!

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 * Forensic Technician: It is a left pinkie, belonging to a male Caucasian, about 25 years old. So far, there's no match on the fingerprint. The digit was severed earlier today, we figure around 8:00 AM, with some kind of gardening instrument, like pruning shears.
 * Natalie: [disgusted] He cut up a whole body with pruning shears?
 * Lt. Disher: Nope, maybe they just cut off the fingers, that way when they dump the body later, there'll be no prints.
 * [Monk uses a set of tongs to grab the finger and holds it parallel to his left hand]
 * Monk: There's a callus.
 * Forensic Technician: That's true, we think he might have played guitar. [Monk holds the finger at an angle to approximate where a guitar-player would place it]
 * Monk: No, not guitar. It's at the wrong angle: he played the violin. [finds some sticky stuff on the finger] There's some residue. It's sticky.
 * Lt. Disher: Tree sap. Lumberjack. Missing nine-fingered lumberjack. [starts writing in his notepad]
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Who plays the violin.
 * Lt. Disher: Should I put a list together?
 * Capt. Stottlemeyer: Absolutely! Make sure you don't run out of paper.
 * Forensic Technician: It's not tree sap. We already ran it; the main component is abietic acid.
 * Monk: Abietic acid? It's violin rosin.
 * Natalie: I think that's pretty expensive rosin. It's for professionals.
 * Monk: So, professional - or at least, very serious - violinist, 25 years of age, who is missing.