Mr. Show with Bob and David

Mr. Show with Bob and David (1995-1998) was a sketch comedy series, airing on HBO, hosted by former Saturday Night Live writer/comedy actor Bob Odenkirk and stand up comedian/actor David Cross.

The Cry of a Hungry Baby [1.1]

 * Ronnie Dobbs (David): Y'all wear condoms on both your ears, I think it's funny. [Cough and groan]


 * Bob: David attended public schools, so he confuses Hitler with Anne Frank.


 * David: Bob missed his first day of school, and he never really caught up, so he thinks there are only 5 states...and that one of them is named Chim-Cham.


 * Gary, the asshole party-crasher (David): You fuckers are gonna believe it now.


 * Woman leaving convenience store (Jill Talley): Take a picture, it'll last longer, jag-off!


 * Father Mike (Bob): I was born... out of Satan's ass.


 * Father Mike (Bob): When I ask for a glass of water and someone hands me a glass full of sand, I turn it over, make a sand castle, and pretend I'm king. When someone throws a stone at my head, I pretend the bruise is a faded tattoo, and that I was once a sailor who ran a sweat shop in Singapore.  I'm not too proud of that time in my imaginary life, but I'm comforted by the fact that my friends, who made me stick a banana in my crack, feel even worse.

What to Think [1.2]

 * Senator Howell Tankerbell (Bob): Gentlemen, I propose that this arts funding is like a milking machine and unless we shut it down, it's gonna rip our dicks right off!


 * Senator Howell Tankerbell (Bob): I've got a naked puppet doin' a lewd, lascivious Fandango on the lap of a full-grown man! I got a fella over here, he's churnin' butter.  A lady over here dippin' candles...it's like a pioneer porn shop in here!  Close 'em down, boys!


 * Senator Howell Tankerbell (Bob): I wish I could be everywhere that people are doin' art, so that I could keep the public from gettin' aroused...or titillated...or otherwise confused by the counterculture.


 * Marshall, the 13th apostle (David): God, lemme ask you something: are you happy settling for omnipotence?


 * Guy in Tech Corp commercial during Pit-Pat sketch (Jay Johnston): Fuckity fuck-fuck!!!


 * Voiceover king (Bob): Mr. Pickle's funtime abortion clinics: we'll bring out the kid in ya!


 * Globo-Chem executive (John Ennis): My great great great grandfather started this company with one single rickety leaky hand-crafted slave ship, and a simple motto: "People Selling People to People".


 * Pit-Pat (Bob): Take it from me, I love you.


 * Guy in Ding Dong Burgers commercial during Pit-Pat sketch (David): This cocksucker dragged me down here, I dunno.


 * Guy in Ding Dong Burgers commercial during Pit-Pat sketch (David): Fuck, this little motherfucker's tasty!!


 * Pit-Pat ad agency representative (Bob): Look lady, I don't come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth.

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 * Kindly farmer in "The Joke: The Musical" (Jack Black): Don't stick your dick in these holes.

We Regret to Inform You [1.3]

 * David: Dear Globochem, someone is trying to kill me!!! Please send me as many free products as possible. Love, David Cross.

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 * Jerry, the honeymoon crasher (David): Ooh. I gotta take a shit. Hey Todd, hand me that Hustler.

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 * Jerry, the honeymoon crasher (David): Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend. Always in the way.

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 * Honeymooner (Bob): Tri-cycles would be bi-cycles. Who's ever heard of a bi-cycle?

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 * Larry Black, the forgetful soul singer (Bob): I need a reminder to look at my reminder!

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 * Supermodel Calling Service commercial voice (Bob): Thousands of hot models are waiting to talk to you around the clock!


 * Commercial "viewer" (David): Thousands? Clock?

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 * Deranged indie film director (David): Look, its right here in the program: stage protest right before fancy pants.

Who Let You In? [1.4]

 * Doctor speaking about imminent death syndrome (Bob): Many famous people have had imminent death syndrome… well, Juliette Lewis, the actress has it. The artist Leroy Neiman, and uh Christo.  Jerry Lewis struggles with it every day.  These people are all very good at what they do… the best ever.  Novelist Anne Rice, Clarence Thomas, uh...Stephen Hawking—"brilliant man."  Quentin Tarantino (the actor, not the director), Hootie and two of the Blowfish, the man who draws Ziggy, the man who draws the Family Circus, many famous cartoonists.
 * Doctor speaking about imminent death syndrome, while answering phone (Bob): Free horsey rides...I mean doctor's office!

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 * Abraham Lincoln (Tom Kenny): Lunacy! How will we ever get it down?

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 * Thomas Jefferson (Bob): What a collection of assholes.

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 * Benjamin Franklin (David): Gentlemen, who would shit on a flag made out of shit? It would be an empty gesture.

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 * Droopy (Bob): No, you can't bring a class of school children here. This is a museum, not a babysitting place.

Now Who Wants Ice Cream? [2.1]

 * Harmon Peterson (Bob): I don't know! Maybe this tree knows! Tree, excuse me, can you predict the future for me?  No?  Can I check back with you every two minutes for sixteen days?  Great! Thanks!! Look - when I say there's no new information, that means there's NO NEW INFORMATION!  I'm not trying to hide anything on ya, OK?!

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 * Brinks Peterson (David): Trying to get you the news without making a big production out of it.

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 * Ernie (Bob): The super pan is not magical. It will burn you.

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 * Ernie (Bob): She didn't believe me when I said the pan was super.

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 * Ernie (Bob): Oh, Nancy. You cannot fly.  Only British people can fly!  You shouldn't try to fly, and you shouldn't listen to British people!

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 * Keith, U.S. Customs Agent (Bob): OK, sir, let's get this straight. Where are you coming from?
 * Mountain Dougie (David): New Freeland.
 * Keith, U.S. Customs Agent (Bob): Where is that?
 * Mountain Dougie (David): Montana.
 * Keith, U.S. Customs Agent (Bob): So you're already a U.S. Citizen.
 * Mountain Dougie (David): No, I told you, I'm from New Freeland.

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 * Marijuana smuggler #1 (David): You can't shampoo a shampooer!

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 * Marijuana smuggler #2 (John Ennis): Then I took a balloon up my ass to Spain.

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 * F.F. Woodycooks (Bob): The guard knew he needed to conserve energy...and had had a large dinner.

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 * F.F. Woodycooks (Bob): You said it crime-stick! Those two were a couple of ding-a-lings! ... Now, who wants ice cream? If you want to learn more about how to take back the streets, and how sweet ice cream is, visit any one of my three ice cream-precinct locations.

A Talking Junkie [2.2]

 * David: Perhaps I might have picked something up when I was in London a few whiffens past.

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 * Jill Talley: There's no such thing as a talking junkie!

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 * David: Bob's in there fuckin' shit up old-school, and I got kicked OUTTA school!

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 * Mr. Applesway (Bob): Next time you'll get more than a dildo in the head!

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 * Great great great grandfather Applesway (Paul F. Tompkins): Look! LOOK!!!  An entire wall of nothing but hardcore gay anal sex.  If that doesn't bring a tear to your eye, then you're the one who's inhuman!

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 * Ty McGinty/Mr. Tink/Great great great grandfather Applesway (David/Tom Kenny/Paul F. Tompkins): Could I get some quarters?

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 * Mr. Applesway (Bob): Keep it down! There's people trying to masturbate down here!

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 * Pootie T (David): I ain't got no flyin' shoes.

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 * Gold tooth in "Rap The Musical" (Bob): Well, I'm an old gold tooth, and I'll tell you the truth. I live in the mouth of my homie.

The Biggest Failure in Broadway History [2.3]

 * Bob: Third motherfuckin' time...


 * Bob: I liked Bananarama...you liked that Bangles shit.


 * Dr. Ken Schwartz of "No Adults Allowed" (Bob): I tell ya, this generation is worse than the hippies, the flappers, and the Nazis combined...at least the hippies gave us those fat watchbands, and the flappers could dance, and the Nazis had that song "Eight Days a Week".


 * Cafe Sidewalk Sign: Dirty Slackers Stay Out!


 * Nathan, the exotic animal lover (David): Just like I killed Bilbo...and the cockatiel...with a book!


 * Craig/Jeepers Creepers (David/Jack Black): I was on the eighteenth hole!!!

If You're Going to Write a Comedy Scene, You're Going to Have Some Rat Feces in There [2.4]

 * "Grass Valley" Greg Sniper (David): Where ideas can hang out - and do whatever!

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 * Van Hammersly (Bob): And that's when Lincoln said, "Don't diss my homies".

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 * Dad of "gay" son (John Ennis): You gay bastard!!! No gay son of mine isn't not-gay, you better get gay or I'll make you gay!!!

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 * "Grass Valley" Greg Sniper (David): Work Is Play! Tofutti Break Today!

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 * "Grass Valley" Greg Sniper (David): Nuh uh, I'm not talking rain clouds on a sunny day.

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 * "Grass Valley" Greg Sniper (David): Tofutti break!!

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 * "Grass Valley" Greg Sniper (David): Tofutti...awaits...the greats...that make...mistaaaakes...To-FUTTI time!

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 * Posted Sign: Arbeit ist Spiel! (German for "work is play")

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 * "Grass Valley" Greg Sniper (David): All these goats are retarded.

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 * "Grass Valley" Greg Sniper (David): Goats are the only animals with an innate sense of democracy. That’s why they're called "Nature's President".

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 * Greg Sniper's accountant (Bob): He spent a hundred million dollars on a campaign to legalize tomatoes, which I assume worked, because I had a tomato yesterday, and I'm not in jail, am I?

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 * Greg Sniper's accountant (Bob): Goats are stupid, mean, and hardheaded animals. That’s why they're called "Nature's President".

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 * Globo-Chem Theme Parks Division chairman (Bob): When you see the new San Francisco, you'll say "San Fran-tastic!"

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 * Globo-Chem Theme Parks Division chairman (Bob): We are sensitive to the needs of those suffering from homophobia. So in our new San Francisco, we got rid of the dirt, but kept the pansies by creating "Bachelorland".

Operation Hell on Earth [2.5]

 * Older Superstar (Jill Talley): Dick lickers!

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 * Sir Isaac Newton (Paul F. Tompkins): My father touched my butthole. This made me thirst for knowledge.

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 * Ty Keenan, basketball recruiter (Bob): I'm thinking about of running away from my grandma's house.

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 * Boss in "A Second Wind" (Dave Foley): So Todd - you know we're considering you for this big promotion, right?
 * Husband in "A Second Wind" (David): Yes sir.
 * Boss in "A Second Wind" (Dave Foley): Well, what'd you think of my wife's casserole?
 * Husband in "A Second Wind" (David): Uhh...it was good!
 * Boss in "A Second Wind" (Dave Foley): Really? I don't hear you farting.

The Velveteen Touch of a Dandy Fop [2.6]

 * Bob: Charity is when you do something for people while other people are watching.

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 * Gary, the blind guy Bob "helps" (David): Bob? BOB?!  I don't spend my day fucking around on a television show.  I have a company to run.

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 * Droopy (Bob): Keep the shaaaaaahnge.

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 * Movie exec with cat eyes (David): Where's your golden public now? I'll tell you where. They're all laughing. Laughing at you. They're laughing at the big fat asshole.

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 * Movie exec boss (John Ennis): We'll sue the pants off of 'em!!!
 * Movie exec (Bob): And then we'll sell them pants!

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 * Judge in "Coupon: The Movie" trial (Bob): May I remind you that I am not on trial here ... until next week.

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 * "Coupon: The Movie" trial witness (Paul F. Tompkins): It was a baaaaabyyyyyyy!!!

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 * "Coupon: The Movie" viewer (David): I saw the shit out of it!

Heaven's Chimney [3.1]

 * David: Terra-da-loo, The Bob. Mr. Show is the true way.

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 * The Bob: It's time to eat the poison s'mores...get them while they're poison-ey; that's when they're best.

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 * Chuck (Bob): Can't I just make you some sperm? It's really good.

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 * Chuck (Bob): Look, I like to masturbate in a closed room while people are waiting for pie to cool.

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 * John Oakfellow of the Red Cross (John Ennis): It's been a real soul-shattering experience.

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 * Elderly resident of community affected by Devastator (Jay Johnston): I ain't afraid of no rolley coaster!

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 * "The Limits of Science" educational film narrator (Bob): All facts start as dreams dreamt by a wizard.

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 * Commercial voice (unknown): Sponsored by Smithy's Barrows. Makers of barrows for over 200 harvests.  Now with wheels.

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 * Kevin, the slothful child (David): I ... also ... want people to perform ... beastialities for me.

Peanut Butter, Eggs and Dice [3.2]

 * David: I, David Cross ... me, not the character ... am bald.
 * Jill: I accept you David, but I don't accept the choice you've made.
 * David: It's not a choice, Jill, God made me this way.
 * Jill: Then I reject God.

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 * The cock ring mascot (Bob)/Engaged guy's buddy (John Ennis): Any cock'll do!

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 * Terry Twillstein/Ronnie Dobbs (Bob/David): I am a camera, a camera am I!

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 * Ronnie Dobbs (David): Well let's go have us a champagne jam!

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 * Ronnie Dobbs (David): It needs some reverb or pedal or sumthin.

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 * Bob Lamonta's father (Bob): My shoes hurt!

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 * Bob Lamonta (David): I did grow a moustache, but I thought it made me look gay, so whoosh! [indicating its swift removal]

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 * Bob Lamonta's father (Bob): I'm strong like the Hulk.

Oh, You Men [3.3]

 * Bob: Hey, who wants a banana?

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 * Dingle, the ventriloquism dummy (David): Why don't you suck my eight inches of redwood?

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 * Killer B. Killed (Jonathan Fowler Jr.): I don't know, man. These guys got their fuckin' talkin' dolls in here 'n' shit.

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 * Professor Murder (Sam Sarpong): What?! I ain't no Professor Pickles!
 * Pickles, the ventriloquism dummy (Bob): Yeah, don't mess with the East Coast!
 * Professor Murder (Sam Sarpong): Look, I don't need you defending me, you Howdy-Doody-lookin' motherfucker. I'm outta here!
 * Pickles, the ventriloquism dummy (Bob): Yeah, I'm with him!
 * Professor Murder (Sam Sarpong): Man, step off!

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 * Jerry, the hanged guy (David): Say, by any chance, are you a murderer?
 * Wife of Mark, the lyncher (Jill Talley): NO!
 * Jerry, the hanged guy (David): Oh, good. Then your children will only be half murderer.

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 * Delongpre Dannon's talkshow guest (David): Fake girl, you oughta be able to have your imaginary baby, because the most wonderful thing in the world is to be an imaginary mother.

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 * Prospective Shoe Court Shoe Store employee (Bob): It was great. It's crack.  It gets ya real high.

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 * Shoe Court Shoe Store interviewer (Paul F. Tompkins): I am a control-freak because I was molested by my parents... Oh, God! What a breakthrough!

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 * Shoe Court Shoe Store employee (Jay Johnston): Have you ever taken a train and eaten it piece by piece... after you just derailed it with your penis?
 * Prospective Shoe Court Shoe Store employee (Bob): Yes...It was for charity!

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 * Criminy Craffft (David): Eatin' an orange? That was like takin' a trip through a citrus mountain.

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 * Hallucino-Jenny (Laura Milligan): I can taste colors!

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 * Helpful guy in Druggachussetts (John Ennis): And remember, only take what you can handle, and always know your dealer!

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 * Mayor O.D. McCrack (Paul F. Tompkins): As mayor of the altered state of Druggachusettes, I declare this pizza to be...awesome!

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 * David: Hey, fancy pants, you weren't in this one.

Flat-Top Tony and the Purple Canoes [3.4]

 * Bob: Later, we'll be having a beauty contest, and the winner will be crowned "Queen Pretty"!!!

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 * Mother of missing companion (Brett Paesel): We're praying for our boy. He's a wonderful son. And I'm sure a great companion. We also pray for the two young people.
 * Father of missing companion (Jay Johnston): And, of course, the other companion.

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 * Alexis Jung, designer, and constant chum of Nostradamus (David): Buckle the fuck up!

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 * Nostradamus (Bob): No fatties.

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 * Fran, member of "Indomitable Spirit" (Sarah Silverman): I'm Fran, and I'm a woman.

Please Don't Kill Me [3.5]

 * Reverend Winton Dupree (Bob): I have a question, and I know you all have it, too: What is up Satan’s ass?! All he wants to do is fuck us up, the dick-licker! Now the Lord said, "I am the light of the world." Now, He could as easily have said, "I am King Shit of Fuck Mountain. Why would you fuck with Me?!" Now, I’ll tell you what. I am the only preacher with the fuckin' balls, and you know this, you all know this, to say, "Satan I damn thee! You goddamm motherfuckin', shit-eatin', cock-suckin', son of a B!" Can I get a fuckin' A?

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 * Text on Poster: Being poor sucks!

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 * Victor, the dumped landlord (Bob): Is Victor now to fix the sun? I cannot get up there.

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 * Shamul/Anwar (David/Paul F. Tompkins): I spit on your spit. I piss on your spit. I shit on your piss. I fart on your shit. I laugh at your fart. We are friends again! Hey!

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 * Dylan, the pretentious hipster (David): Jupiter's Thunder!!! Rock & Roll is the most criminal of garbages...it is a crutch...it is a crutch!  It will never sully my ears!!!

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 * Panzic Poojaran (David): Everyday people go into restaurants, and they...they take the condiments, and they take them and put them on the plate and mix it up and put it in their glass and they dare their friends to drink it. They...they think it is funny. RIGHT NOW I WOULD DRINK IT! AND I WOULD THANK THEM FOR IT!

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 * Panzic Poojaran (David): If I die ... if I die ... tell my people ... to bury me ... in mashed potatoes!

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 * Paul Peters, spokesperson for Dr. X's telethon (unknown): Please don't kill me!

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 * Dr. X (Bob): I have blown up Chicago.

Goin' on a Holiday [3.6]

 * David: False teeth speak false truths, Bob!

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 * Bob/David: [chanting] Youth ... is truth! I wish "old" rhymed with "lies"!

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 * Grandpa Timmy (unknown): And testicular electrocution would be administered to all those who get into monkeyshines!

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 * NASA spokesman (David): We have the technology. The time is now. Science can wait no longer. Children are our future. America can, should, must, and will blow up the moon.

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 * San Francisco protester (Sarah Silverman): We're spending all this money, millions of dollars, to blow up the moon, when there are so many things here on Earth to blow up ... Mount Everest, the North Pole, et cetera. We're earthlings, let's blow up Earth things!

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 * C.S. Lewis, Jr. (Bob): Don't mess around ... with God's America.

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 * Fired employee (David): This is BULLSHIT!!!

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 * Father of streaker Jimmy Montello (John Ennis): I slave 12 hours a day making pepper, to put clothes on your back, so you can go taking them off?!

Bush Is a Pussy [3.7]

 * Video Image Text: Worthington's Law: More Money = Better Than

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 * Carl Espick, editor of Value magazine (David): Did you know that according to Worthington's Law, the opera singer who called himself the "Great" Caruso was nowhere near as great as Sammy Hagar, the Red Rocker? So, shut up, Caruso!

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 * Carl Espick: In 1995, Steve Peters had no money. He was a public school teacher, so his opinion wasn't worth very much. But then, in 1996, he won the lottery, and he was a great man. Greater than Einstein, who made very little. But then, guess what this genius-for-a-day does. He goes and gives his money to charity! Now he's about as dumb as Einstein! Way to go, Einstein!

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 * Successful siamese twin (Bob): No! I worked.  You sat on my ass and did nothing!

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 * Science program host (Bob): Scientists have ascertained that there may be as many as... 24 stars in the cosmos.

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 * Nazi official (David): To say we killed 24 Jews would be an exaggeration.

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 * Salini (David): What's wrong, Philouza? A few too many of Mr. Graham's crackers?

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 * Kedzie Matthews (Tom Kenny): Watch as Mrs. Vila gets half of This Old House in "This Old Divorce"!

It's a No-Brainer [3.8]

 * Jack Weber (Bob): Here's a simple test to see if your child is really a costumed dwarf: hit him in the head with a hammer.

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 * Jack Weber (Bob): Just because a child is defiant doesn't mean they want to overthrow the government. Maybe they just want a cookie, a game, some attention...attention that a drunken father cannot provide...I'm sorry, Tim.

A White Man Set Them Free [3.9]

 * Marriage Con & Boat Show seminar host (Jill Talley): Men 'R' Stupid...ta da! Women 'R' Stupider.  We need to get married!  I did it!  Get in line!  Get in line, you dumb bitch!

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 * Benjamin Gerard, ice cream purveyor (David): "Rock & Roll Double Chunk". It has chocolate in it, and we figure if people like Rock & Roll music, they'll like this, cause it says "Rock & Roll" on it.

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 * "Last Indian" piece narrator (Tom Kenny): I fuckin' saw God, Jack. And I laughed in his fuckin' face!

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 * "Hell in a Handbasket" soldier (David): You are a dying asshole.

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 * Jon Stewart (as himself): I felt it was time for another Vietnam message.

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 * "All American Salute to the Last Indian" co-host (Paul F. Tompkins): The rap group, The Fuck-ups.

The Return of the Curse of the Creature's Ghost [3.10]

 * Moe Phelps (Bob): All acting is is jumping up and down and yelling and screaming a lot.

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 * Local World News network anchor (Bob): Later tonight, we'll have an update from the war-torn Gaza Strip, where Betty McPhee will tell us all about Tripper, the counting dog.

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 * Kennard Chamberlain, senior member of law firm (Bob): Do you really think court cases are decided by judges and juries making decisions based on evidence and lawyers' arguments?
 * John Hamlinson, managing associate of law firm (Tom Kenny): Oh, Danny! How could you be so naïve?
 * Kennard Chamberlain, senior member of law firm (Bob): Danny, court cases are decided by a series of blowjobs!

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 * Ken Doral, host of the "Pre-taped Call-in Show" (David): If you wanted to talk about pet care, you should have called last week, when our show on racism was airing, but we were taping the pet care show, which is airing now.

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 * Moe Phelps (Bob): Pack your bags, gang. We're going up my mom's ass!

Life Is Precious and God and the Bible [4.1]
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 * Gerald Hennessey Imposter (Bob Odenkirk): This is not a playground so leave your lunchboxes at home, as well as your games, and um, jokes, and balls, and riddles.

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 * Gerald Hennessey Imposter (Bob Odenkirk): You come in here with heads filled with soup, when you are done with law school, your brain will be like a steel trap with the bloody foot of law inside it, crying out for its mommy!

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 * Gerald Hennessey Imposter (Bob Odenkirk): By the time this class is over, two of you will be murdered. One of you will commit suicide. One of you will get injured…in the leg. Two of you will quit law school because it’s so hard…and you’ll go off to run an apple butter farm.

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 * Pharmacy "customer" (Brian Posehn): I know what you mean...my doctor says I need marijuana to get high.

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 * Hitler (David): Get used to it, Hitler.

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 * Talk show audience member (Jerry Minor): You need to respect the baby, 'cause life is precious... and God... and the Bible.

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 * Talk show host, Todd Linder Flohman (Bob): You stupid, petty, Prince-looking, no-island-remembering motherfucker!

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 * Derlin Whittier, talk show guest (David): Before I die, I'm gonna fuck me a fish.

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 * Yale Hadderity, investigative reporter (David): Oh, my scammy flammy mammy!

Show Me Your Weenis! [4.2]

 * Bob: ... the Itty Bitty Tittie Committee.
 * David: Let's hear it for the IBTC. They work hard!

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 * Incompetent kidnapper (Bob): One...thousand dollars if you ever want to see my toe again.

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 * College friend watching underground video (Brian Posehn): No shit!

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 * Wyckyd Sceptre band member #1 (Bob): Dude, show me your weenis!
 * Wyckyd Sceptre band member #2 (David): Look at my hard dick, Isn't it rad?
 * Wyckyd Sceptre band member #3 (John Ennis): I'm so fuckin' horny, dude!
 * Wyckyd Sceptre band member #2 (David): Well then dude, suck that shit!

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 * Byron T. Lebockwith, Racist in the Year 3000 (David): You can't trust a man what's made of gas! Not you, Zaxon, you're one of the good ones. There's white people made of gas, you know what I mean.

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 * Byron T. Lebockwith, Racist in the Year 3000 (David): My relatives didn't move here to be put out of work by some shifty-eyed, lazy, yellow-metal, China-bots!

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 * Byron T. Lebockwith, Racist in the Year 3000 (David): Keep 'em comin', Gleep Glop...

Rudy Will Await Your Foundation [4.3]

 * Bob at 4 years old (unknown): Mommy, What's a Gagortion?

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 * David: Hey, Bob? Um, I was wondering...um, so...do you still like to party?

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 * Glenn Petersen, phone sex guru (Bob): Horny Slut Hot-line. This is Peppermint.

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 * Glenn Petersen, phone sex guru (Bob): You're just jealous because I'm more of a woman than you'll ever be!

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 * Denny Whitkin, performing "The Audition" (David): Can I use this chair?

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 * Del Crow (Bob): Already our little one's got a scholarship to Miss Lily's Finishing School.
 * Interviewer: What's that?
 * Del Crow (Bob): It's a - a school where they teach ya - how to finish.

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 * Burgundy Loafe customer (David): You want me to shit in a box while I'm eating dinner?

The Story of Everest [4.4]

 * Larry Kleist, rapist (Bob): Hello, Larry is my name. Insurance is my game.  Raping was another game of mine...

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 * Member of press (David): Tom Boudinir, Cabington News, pedophile. I..sodomized my nephew.  Juuuust what is going on over there at that zoning board??

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 * Anthony "One Time" Branca (David): The both of youze can grab onto my books, mother-father, Chinese dentist.

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 * Father of Thomas, the adventurer (Bob): Nooooo! Let Thomas do it himself.  Climbed Mt. Everest!?!?

It's Perfectly Understandishable [4.5]

 * Lane Wellesby, actor trainer and handler (John Ennis): There's a reason for the phrase, "as dumb as an actor".

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 * Jonathan, blind girl's friend (Bob): Well, then if you're blind, how do you know I'm a ... homosexual?

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 * Dougie Bendel, Dalai Lama (Bob): William van Landingham?!
 * William van Landingham III (Jerry Messing): The Third, my dear boy!

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 * Dougie Bendel, Dalai Lama (Bob): A rap, rap, a rap rap rap. A rap, rap, a rap tap tap.  Get rappin' with it.  Heyyyyy.  Get rappin' with it.  Hohhhh!
 * Professor Murder (Sam Sarpong): Damn, his science is too tight!

It's Insane, This Guy's Taint [4.6]

 * "Go-to" guy (Jay Johnston): Hey mom, could you pass the gravy?
 * "Go-to" guy's mom (unknown): That wasn't part of the deal!

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 * David (as "himself"): You know, Jill's ingested so much soil, her stomach oughta be listed in the "Worm Apartment Guide"!

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 * Reverend Ralee Kolunda/Kolunda's sidekick (Jerry Minor/David): Be kind, Rewind.

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 * Garry Flank documentary voiceover (Bob): That's when tragedy struck. Captain Tragedy.

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 * Max Packer: I've got a five inch taint

Eat Rotten Fruit from a Shitty Tree [4.7]

 * Larry Branson (Bob): 'Til death do us part, asshole!

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 * Larry Branson (Bob): Maybe he wasn't such a chicken-shit after all ... Bartender? ...  My life!

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 * Hypnotherapist (Becky Thyre): What are you doing in the cemetery, Charles?
 * James Whitcroft (David): I just wanna dig up a corpse and have sexual relations with it!

Like Chickens, Delicious Chickens [4.8]

 * Civil War Reenactment piece narrator (Jeff Goldblum): He dreamed of one day finding a box of money.

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 * Edmond Premington (Bob): You feel it first in your scrotum.

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 * Member of Edmond Premington's audience (David): You don't know what words mean, do you?

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 * Edmond Premington (Bob): When the African lion attacks....

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 * Member of Edmond Premington's audience (Jay Johnston): Nipples on your ass...?

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 * Reporter (David): And I understand you met Napoleon?
 * 2000 lb. Old Man (Bob): Met him?...I et him!

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 * Telethon caller (Bob): Hey I got a fake asshole...y'all got fake poo?

Sad Songs Are Nature's Onions [4.9]

 * Lucian, He Who Watches All of Television (unknown): The irony's as bittersweet as...tears on Turkish Delight!

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 * Lucian, He Who Watches All of Television (unknown): Oh, happenstance!

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 * Dr. ______ (Bob): So if you want to talk to gamblers...and masturbators...

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 * Cyrus ______ (David): Frame it, bury it, walk 20 paces away, dig it up in 15 years and teach the world to sing!

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 * Cyrus ______ (David): Who dares question Ryan Dorn?!

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 * Jill Talley: Sad songs are nature's onions.

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 * Becky Thyre: Sorrow is the key that gets our tears out of eye jail.

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 * Willips Brighton (Bob): And my heart feels like a mouth full of sores. A mouth full of sores ain't no fun.

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 * Willips Brighton (Bob): Take it from me, a guy who has mouth sores, I know the value of a mouth without sores.

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 * Horace Loeb (David): I'll miss you... me.

Patriotism, Pepper, Professionalism [4.10]

 * Bob: With our help, you'll laugh your sales right through the... roof!

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 * Young Josh Fenderman (unknown): IT'S PUMPKININNNNNNY!!!

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 * Josh's Mom (Jill Talley): For the first five or six years of his life, he made no money at all. Zero. We paid for everything.

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 * Girlfriend (Jill): ...you GAVE people blowjobs?
 * Boyfriend (Bob): The most people!

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 * Member of "2001: A New Wave Godyssey" (Scott Aukerman): Heavens to Betsy, I've invented a praying machine!

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 * Larry Turnauer, a.k.a. Marilyn Monster (David): And don't forget to break some rules. But... Don't break any rules.

Miscellaneous Quotes

 * Mary Lynn Rajskub/Guests: Hey everybody, it's Bob and David!

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 * Unknown speaker: The ghost of Gene Wilder began to prematurely haunt an elderly couple in Maine. When reached for comment, the ghost said "Jesus Christ, how long do I have to wait for this guy to drop? He hasn't done anything for-fucking-ever." Mr. Wilder attempted to reach us to comment, but we wouldn't accept the charges.

Cast

 * David Cross
 * Bob Odenkirk
 * John Ennis
 * Tom Kenny
 * Jill Talley
 * Jay Johnston