Mrs. Doubtfire

Mrs. Doubtfire is a 1993 comedy-drama about a family separated by an impending divorce. The father takes on the job as the family housekeeper, unbeknownst to his former wife, who believes him to be an elderly Scottish woman.
 * Directed by Chris Columbus. Written by Randi Mayem Singer and Leslie Dixon, based on Madame Doubtfire by Anne Fine.

She Makes Dinner. She Does Windows. She Reads Bedtime Stories. She's a Blessing... In Disguise. taglines

Dialogue

 * [First lines]
 * Daniel: [as Grunge the Cat] Salutations, snack. [as Pudgy the Parrot] Yipe. On second thought, YIIIIIIIIIIIIPE! 9-1-1! 9-1-1! Police! Civic Authorities! A.S.P.C.A, A.S.A.P! Murder! Betrayal! Kidnapped! No! Birdnapped! [as Grunge the Cat] A cup of garlic, a twist of parakeet. Eat your heart out, Julia Child. [as Pudgy the Parrot] Excuse me, but isn't it customary for the jailbird to get one telephone call? [as Grunge the Cat] In your case, I think not. Afternoon snacks have very few civil liberties. But I'm not wholly without heart. How about a nice, soothing cigarette? [as Pudgy the Parrot, pretends to cough and choke and ad libs over the line "Beak Cancer"] I will not do this! I cannot! Oh, what a foul way for a bird to die! I don't want to get beak cancer! No! My lungs are blackened!
 * Lou: [irritated, rolls his eyes] Here we go again. Cut! Roll it back! What are you doing? [Daniel stops, startled] Daniel, that line is not in the script. Why did you add it?
 * Daniel: Well, I thought I should comment on the situation.
 * Lou: What situation?
 * Daniel: The fact that Pudgy the Parrot has a cigarette shoved into his mouth is morally irresponsible!
 * Lou: This is a cartoon, okay? This is not a freakin' Oprah Winfrey special!
 * Daniel: Lou, millions of kids see this cartoon. It's like sending each one of 'em a packet of cigarettes and saying, "Light up!"
 * Lou: You can't put words in Pudgy's mouth if his mouth isn't moving!
 * Daniel: Well, it's a voiceover, it's an interior monologue. Maybe even the voice of God, that's even better. [as God] Don't, Pudgy! Don't smoke!
 * Lou: [sighing] Actors.
 * Daniel: What? Well, let's ask the technicians. [to the technicians] Do you think it's morally right to promote smoking to the youth of America? [the three technicians are observing the recording studio from a control room, each smoking a cigarette. One of them shrugs] [whistles] They're biased. That's a mistrial.
 * Lou: Daniel, listen to me. This session is costing the studio thousands of dollars. Now, if you want a paycheck, you stick to the script! If you wanna play Gandhi, then do it on somebody else's time!
 * Daniel: [lifts recording headphones over his head as if to resume recording Pudgy's lines, but then puts them down; as Ghandi] Then I've got to do what I've got to do. [proceeds to exit recording studio]
 * Lou: That's very funny. Where the hell are you goin'? Hey, listen, buddy. I'll tell you somethin'. If you leave, you're not comin' back in. I'm not takin' any crap from you, pal.
 * Daniel: Well, in the words of Porky Pig... [as Porky Pig] Pi-pi-pi-pi-pi-pi-pi-pi-pi-piss off, Lou! [exits]


 * Daniel: Well, let's take a vacation together with the kids, as a family, get you away from work, you're a different person, you really are. You're great.
 * Miranda: [shakes her head sadly] Oh, Daniel, our problems would be waiting for us right here when we got back.
 * Daniel: Well, we'll move, and hopefully our problems won't follow us.
 * Miranda: Daniel, please don't joke.
 * Daniel: Okay.
 * Miranda: It's just, we've just grown apart. We're different. We have nothing in common.
 * Daniel: Oh, sure we do. We love each other...Come on Miranda, we love each other. Don't we?
 * Miranda: [tearfully] I want a divorce.
 * Daniel: [tearfully] No. We can't. We're a family, you know.
 * Miranda: [tearfully] I'm so sorry.


 * Frank: [on the phone with his mother Evelyn; to Daniel, his brother] She wants to know if you wanna come stay with her.
 * Daniel: [quietly] No way!
 * Frank: [to his mother] He says he'll think about it, Ma.


 * Judge: Mr. and Mrs. Hillard, although these custody proceedings have always tended to favor the mother, we also realize, perhaps, now, more than ever, that it is not in a child's best interest to deprive him or her of an obviously loving father. However, since at the present time, Mr. Hillard has no place to live and no employment, it is the court's ruling to award sole custody to Mrs. Hillard.
 * Miranda's Lawyer: Congratulations.
 * Daniel: No...
 * Judge: Mr. Hillard will have visitation rights every Saturday.
 * Daniel: [whispering to his lawyer] Can't you do something?
 * Daniel's Lawyer: He's already made his decision.
 * Daniel: Isn't it traditional to say, like, "I object" or something? [to the judge] Your Honor, please. I mean, every Saturday, that's one day a week. That's not enough. I have to be with my children. It's not a question, really. I mean, I have to be with them, sir, please. I know it seems like a lot, but for me, it's not enough, really. I haven't been away from them for more than one day since the day they were born.
 * Judge: Mr. Hillard, I would like to add that this ruling is only temporary.
 * Daniel: Oh, good.
 * Judge: I will assign a court liaison to oversee your case, and there will be a continuance of these proceedings in 90 days. I'm giving you three months, Mr. Hillard.
 * Daniel: Thank you.
 * Judge: Three months in which to get a job, keep it, and create a suitable home. If this proves to be a possibility for you, I will consider a joint-custody arrangement when we reconvene. We're adjourned. [bangs gavel]
 * Daniel's Lawyer: Well, it looks like there was a little light at the end of our tunnel, eh?


 * [Daniel is now in the court liaison office]
 * Mrs. Sellner: As your court liaison, I will be looking at two things: your living environment-
 * Daniel: It’s more like a habitat, really.
 * Mrs. Sellner: [glares at Daniel, unamused] ...and I will be coming by on Monday and Friday evenings to inspect it.
 * Daniel: [good old boy accent] Well, I'll put on a chicken.
 * Mrs. Sellner: And of course there's also the job issue. [shows Daniel a paper with information pertaining to a job interview] I've taken the liberty of making an appointment for you.
 * Daniel: Thank you.
 * Mrs. Sellner: Oh, by the way, do you have any special skills?
 * Daniel: Oh, yes, I do. I do voices.
 * Mrs. Sellner: What do you mean, you do voices?
 * Daniel: [German accent] Vell, I do voices. [as Genie] Yes! [as Mork from Ork] We've come to this planet looking for intelligent life. Oops, we made a mistake. [as Vladimir Ivanoff] So happy to be in America, don't ask for green card! [as monster] I want you in the worst way! [as Groucho Marx] Well, this is certainly a rough meeting and it's not going well for me, I'll tell you that. [as Chico Marx] Hey, boss, give her a chance, she's gonna loosen up any moment. [as Sean Connery] Look at me right now, Moneypenny, I want to undo that bow and get to know ya. [as Joey O'Brien] I'll be crazy to make a deal with you! [as Ronald Reagan] Nancy and I are still looking for the other half of my head. [as Walter Brennan] This is it! Yes, I'm doin' it! I'm sittin' on a gold mine! [as Humphrey Bogart] Don't make me smack ya, sweetheart, I'll do it. [as Pudgy the Parrot] Figaro! [normal voice] I do a great impression of a hot dog. [stiffens and pulls a petrified face]
 * Mrs. Sellner: Mr. Hillard, do you consider yourself humorous?
 * Daniel: I used to. There was a time when I found myself funny, but today you have proven me wrong. Thank you.


 * Daniel: [walks inside KTVU studios and up to a desk] Excuse me.
 * Tony: Yeah?
 * Daniel: You Tony?
 * Tony: That's me.
 * Daniel: Hi, I'm Daniel Hillard, the actor.
 * Tony: Follow me. [leads Daniel into a room full of canisters of film reels]
 * Daniel: Oh, films. Will I be introducing these movies on air?
 * Tony: [gruff] Not exactly.
 * Daniel: What do I do?
 * Tony: Well, you take all these cans. You box 'em and you ship 'em. Then you box those cans over there, ship them. Then more of 'em'll come in. You box those, you ship those. Any questions?
 * Daniel: After you box 'em-
 * Tony: [visibly annoyed] You ship 'em. Lotsa luck, smart-ass. [leaves the room]
 * Daniel: [to himself] I think I made a friend.


 * [Daniel calls Miranda as several undesirable applicants for the housekeeper position]
 * Miranda: [answers as she is driving] Hello? Are you calling in response to the ad?
 * Daniel: [while at work; in a monotone feminine voice] Uh-huh.
 * Miranda: Tell me, who was your previous employer?
 * Daniel: I was in a band. Severe Tire Damage.
 * Miranda: In a band?
 * Daniel: I just wanna know one thing: are your kids well-behaved, or do they need like a few light slams every now and then?
 * Miranda: Um...I'll have to get back to you.
 * Daniel: Wow! [Miranda hangs up. Cut to him calling Miranda while taking a bath, in a German accent] Ja, my name is Ilsa Himmelman, and I want to know how many children do you have?
 * Miranda: I have two girls and a boy.
 * Daniel: Oh, a boy. I don't work wit the males 'cause I used to be one.
 * Miranda: [hangs up in shock] Yikes! [cut to Daniel calling her later that night] Hello?
 * Daniel: [screams; in a Southern accent] Layla, get back in yer cell! Don't make me get the hose! [in a soft voice] Hello? [Miranda hangs up in shock again. He calls her again in a Spanish accent] I. Am. Job.
 * Miranda: Do you speak English?
 * Daniel: I. Am. Job.
 * Miranda: I'm sorry, the position has been filled. [hangs up] Oh, what a nightmare!
 * Daniel: [as he dials Miranda's number one last time] Let's go in for the kill.
 * Miranda: [apprehensively answers the phone] Hello?
 * Daniel: [in a feminine English accent] Hello. I'm calling in regards to the ad I read in the paper.
 * Miranda: Yes. Well, would you tell me a little bit about yourself?
 * Daniel: Oh, certainly dear. For the past 15 years, I have worked for the Smythe family of Elbourne, England. That's Smythe, not Smith, dear. And for them, I did house-cleaning, cooking, and took care of their four glorious children. Oh, I grew quite attached to them after 15 years, but they grew up, as children tend to do. Oh, but listen to me, I am going on when you should be telling me about your little ones.
 * Miranda: Well, I have two girls...
 * Daniel: Oh, two precious gems. No doubt, the jewel of your eye.
 * Miranda: ...and one boy.
 * Daniel: Oh, the little prince. How wonderful.
 * Miranda: I must tell you, there would be a little light cooking required.
 * Daniel: Oh, I don't mind that dear. I'd love some heavy cooking, but I do have one rule: They'll only eat good, nutritious food with me. And if there's any dispute about that, it's either good, wholesome food or empty tummies. That's my rule. I hope it's not too harsh for you, dear.
 * Miranda: No. Um, would you mind coming on an interview, say, Monday night at 7:30?
 * Daniel: Oh, I'd love to, dear.
 * Miranda: Wonderful. I'm at 2640 Steiner Street.
 * Daniel: Steiner. Oh, how lovely.
 * Miranda: Could you tell me your name?
 * Daniel: My name? I thought I gave it to you, dear.
 * Miranda: No.
 * Daniel: Oh! [sees a newspaper headline that reads, "Police Doubt Fire Was Accidental"] Doubtfire.
 * Miranda: I beg your pardon?
 * Daniel: Doubtfire, dear. Mrs. Doubtfire.
 * Miranda: Well, I look forward to meeting you.
 * Daniel: Oh, lovely, dear. Me, too.
 * Miranda: Bye-bye.
 * Daniel: Ta-ta. [hangs up; in his normal voice] Showtime. [chuckles]


 * [Daniel shows up to Frank's makeup shop]
 * Frank: Daniel, hi!
 * Daniel: Could you make me a woman?
 * Frank: Honey, I'm so happy! [hugs Daniel] Oh, come in.
 * Daniel: I knew you'd understand.


 * Daniel: [wearing a black wig and speaking with a Spanish accent] I hope you are using Jungle Red, because that is the only color I love.
 * Jack: Mmm. Matches your lips.
 * Daniel: God bless you. You know I'm feeling fabulous, because I met this beautiful Cuban. Every night is like the Bay of Pigs.
 * Jack: Mmm-hmm.
 * Daniel: I can't lie to you. It's beautiful with him.
 * Jack: Mmm.
 * Daniel: I don't know. This will scare the children. Do you think so? I don't know, maybe this is too much for them?
 * Frank: I think we'll have to go to the next level. Latex. [pulls out a latex nose]
 * Daniel: [while wearing a headscarf with a Yiddish accent] Oy, it vas such a shande! I should never buy gribenes from a mohel; it's so chewy. [normal voice] No, oh no, I feel like bubbe. This is not working.
 * Frank: Yes, I know it's not working, but don't worry, it's a work in progress, and you're my brother; I will never let you be embarrassed.
 * Daniel: God bless you.
 * Frank: I think we're gonna have to do the entire face.
 * Daniel: But look at this nice thing, though, we have here!
 * Daniel, Frank, and Jack: [singing] Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match; find me a find, catch me a catch!
 * Daniel: [in a strawberry-blonde wig as Barbra Streisand, singing] Don't tell me not to live just sit and "puttah". Life’s candy and the sun's a ball of "buttah". Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade! [stops singing] It's not working. I need to go older.
 * Frank: Older? Like Shelley Winters older or Shirley MacLaine older?
 * Daniel: What's the difference?
 * Frank: Some Scotch tape and red hair dye.
 * Daniel: What about Joan Collins?
 * Frank: Oh, I don't think I have the strength.
 * Daniel: Alright.
 * Frank: But I have some plaster. [Montage begins of Frank making a plaster cast of Daniel's face and creating a face mask. "Luck Be A Lady" from Guys and Dolls plays over the montage as Daniel assembles his costume. Finally, Daniel - in full costume - faces Frank and Jack.]
 * Daniel: Are we close?
 * Frank: Any closer and you'd be Mom. [Jack smiles with ecstatic delight and the three of them start to dance with glee]


 * [Daniel returns his Mrs. Doubtfire mask after it's been run over by a garbage truck from falling out of his bedroom window]
 * Daniel: [holds up flattened mask] Had a little accident.
 * Frank: [hands him another one] Would you be careful with this one? She's an old woman. [Daniel leaves makeup shop] [to himself] Why wasn't I an only child?


 * [The kids are watching The Dick Van Dyke Show on the television]
 * Alan Brady: Here it is, Mel, $1,000 worth of hair. What am I supposed to do with it?
 * Melvin Cooley: Alan, I was wondering if...
 * Alan Brady: You want one of them? I'd rather make a coat for my wife. [pokes a head mannequin off the table] Pick it up! Pick it up! Pick it up!
 * Mrs. Doubtfire: All right, everyone. It's time to expand your minds. It's homework time. Okay?
 * Lydia: Yeah, but after Dick Van Dyke.
 * Mrs. Doubtfire: No. Now. [turns off the TV]
 * Lydia: [turns the TV back on with the remote control] No. We always watch Dick Van Dyke. [sets it down]
 * Mrs. Doubtfire: [picks it up, calmly] Really? Well? [tosses the remote into the air; it lands behind her in the fish tank] Not anymore. The only thing you'll be watching is Deep CNN. [turns to the kids, who are wide-eyed] Now! I know you're used to loosey-goosey, but I run a much tighter ship. Between the hours of 3 p.m. and 7 p.m., I'm in charge, and when I'm in charge, you will follow a schedule. Those who do not follow the schedule will be punished.
 * Nattie: Punished?
 * Lydia: She's lying. She'd never punish us.
 * Mrs. Doubtfire: [evilly] Don't...fuss with me.
 * [Cut to Chris wiping the door frame, Nattie polishing the silver and Lydia vacuuming; Lydia gives Mrs. Doubtfire an "I hate you" look as Mrs. Doubtfire sits on the couch reading the paper and sipping iced tea]


 * Daniel: [as Mrs. Doubtfire after setting fake bust and blouse on fire and putting it out while trying to cook dinner] Look at this! My first day as a woman and I'm...getting hot flashes.


 * [After Chris saw Mrs. Doubtfire standing up to pee and telling Lydia]
 * Mrs. Doubtfire: Alright, listen to me. I'm not who you think I am.
 * Chris: Yeah, no shit!
 * Daniel: [breaks character] Watch your mouth, young man!
 * Lydia: [shocked] Oh my god.
 * Chris: [realizing] Dad?
 * Daniel: Yeah.
 * Lydia: Dad?
 * Daniel: Yeah, honey.
 * Chris: You don't really like wearin' that stuff, do ya, Dad?
 * Daniel: Well, some of it's comfortable. No! It's a pain in the padded ass. This is not a way of life; it's just a job. I don't go to old-lady bars or anything like that after work, y'know? It's the only way I can see you guys every day.
 * Lydia: Who did this?
 * Daniel: Uncle Frank and Aunt Jack.
 * Lydia [coming around]: It's really you in there.
 * Daniel: It's just a mask. And this is a bodysuit. I didn't have any operations or anything.
 * Lydia: It's good.
 * Daniel: Yeah. [they hug] Sorry I scared you. Come here, Chris.
 * Chris: No. No, it's okay, I get it. I just...y'know, don't wanna hug ya or anything. Not just yet.
 * Daniel: That's cool. It's a guy thing.
 * Chris: Yeah.
 * Daniel: Well, now that ya know, you can't tell Mom, okay? Because if she finds out, I'll only be able to see you through plate glass. Okay? And we can't tell Nattie, because she'll blow my cover. So, you have to promise me, it's just us. All right? You promise?


 * [Daniel and Lundy have been watching a long-running TV show filming another episode. The host speaks slowly, in a near-monotone voice, and the show is so boring that the camera operators are close to falling asleep]
 * Daniel: Which one's the dinosaur?
 * Lundy: The one in the middle, I think.
 * Daniel: Nah, you're wrong. They're all extinct. [Lundy chuckles] I can't believe they're still subjecting kids to this. This is insane. They should have a little disclaimer that says, "Do not operate heavy machinery while watching this show." It's incredible. This guy used to put me to sleep when I was a kid. That's amazing. He has the warmth of a snow pea. He makes Mr. Rogers look like Mick Jagger. It's insane. [scoffs] What kind of idiot kept this guy on the air for 25 years?
 * Lundy: Me.
 * Daniel: You?
 * Lundy: [offering his hand] Jonathan Lundy.
 * Daniel: Jonathan Lundy, general manager, owner? [Lundy nods] I'm Daniel Hillard, former employee.
 * Lundy: Ah, maybe.
 * Daniel: [chuckles] That was funny. Listen, I don't mean to criticize. I just, you know...Sometimes I have...
 * Lundy: Criticize all you want. Show's terrible. I'm gonna cancel it. It's pulling down the whole afternoon schedule. It's gone.
 * Daniel: You know what you gotta do?
 * Lundy: What?
 * Daniel: Just start from scratch. Give it kind of a... Maybe a musical number.


 * [Talking to his friend at the bar while getting ice teas for the family]
 * Stu: Four iced teas, Todd.
 * Ron: So, whose rugrats?
 * Stu: Miranda Hillard's.
 * Ron: Miranda Hillard?
 * Stu: The woman I'm seeing.
 * Ron: No kidding? You? The guy who's never having kids? Won't have anything to do with kids? You won't even date a woman who's got kids.
 * Stu: People change, Ron. I'm pushing 40. I don't wanna spend the rest of my life by myself.
 * Ron: She's got an awful lot of baggage, though. Three kids?
 * Stu: Three terrific kids, and I'm crazy about them, especially that little Natalie. Look at her. She's a sweetie pie. God knows they need some kind of stable father figure in their life right now. [Todd puts the drinks on a tray offscreen] Thanks, Todd.
 * Ron: What about their real father?
 * Stu: What can I say, Ron? The guy's a loser. See ya.
 * Mrs. Doubtfire: [as Daniel] Loser? Oh, yeah. [takes a lime and throws it at Stu's head. Stu looks back, angry] [as Mrs. Doubtfire] Oh, sir! I saw it! Some angry member of the kitchen staff. Did you not tip them? Oh, the terrorists - they ran that way. It was a run-by fruiting. I'll get them, sir. Don't worry. [Stu clears his throat and walks back to the family with the iced teas] Oh, oh. Good waste of juice. [as Daniel] Loser. [Ron looks at Mrs. Doubtfire] [as Daniel] What are you lookin' at? [takes a sip of beer]


 * Daniel: [as Mr. Rogers] Hello, boys and girls, today we're gonna talk about dinosaurs. It's a dino-saurus line! [sings fanfare] And please welcome the King! [hums tune and imitates Elvis with a T-Rex] It's a dinner show. Hey, where you from? Hey, I'm gonna make you lunch, thank you very much. Thank you! All right! Ladies and gentlemen, put your claws together. Please welcome James Bronnnnnntosaurus! James Brown style] Pum pum pum, I eat wood, dada dada dada da, it tastes good, dada dada dada da. No meat, big feet, I eat wood, pum pum pum! Oh I got to help myself, can't go on, can't go on, I'm goin' extinct! Oh, thank you James, but now, yo! it's time for the Raptor Rap. [Lundy happens to walk in on the set as Daniel begins raps with the raptor] Yo, I'm a Raptor doin' what I can, gonna eat everything 'til the appearance of man. Yo yo, see me, I'm livin' below the soil, I'll be back, but I'm comin' as oil!
 * Lundy: [walks over to Daniel and claps] Very impressive, Mr. Hillard!
 * Daniel: Oh, I didn't know anybody was watching. I was just playing. I don't think I...
 * Lundy: I was watching. That's funny stuff.
 * Daniel: Well, thanks.
 * Lundy: I think kids would like it. They'd be entertained, and they'd get some information, too.
 * Daniel: Yeah, well, that's kind of my theory. I think I could, you know...You don't have to play down to 'em, you just play to 'em.
 * Lundy: Listen, I'd like to hear some more of your ideas.
 * Daniel: My ideas?
 * Lundy: How about a dinner meeting?
 * Daniel: Oh, okay.
 * Lundy: Next Friday, Bridges Restaurant, 7:00 sharp.
 * Daniel: I'll be there. [Lundy walks away] Take five. Take five million. You're dead.


 * Maitre'd: Good evening, Mr. Lundy.
 * Lundy: I'm meeting someone. Has he arrived yet?
 * Maitre'd: No, I'm sorry, he hasn't arrived yet. But we can seat you. Smoking or non-smoking?
 * Lundy: Non-smoking, please.
 * Maitre'd: Non-smoking. Tanya will seat you. Table 15.
 * Tanya: This way, please.
 * Stu: Reservation, Dunmeyer.
 * Maitre'd: Yes, sir...Smoking or non-smoking?
 * Stu: Non-smoking.
 * Mrs. Doubtfire: SMOKING!
 * [Stu, Miranda, and the children look at Mrs. Doubtfire incredulous in wanting a table in the smoking section]
 * Miranda: Mrs. Doubtfire, you don't smoke.
 * Mrs. Doubtfire: No, I don't, but I did. Oh, dear, I found the best way to keep from smoking again and lighting up is to be around those who do smoke. I have to randomly ingest just a little bit of nicotine and it steels my wool. [to Stu] Oh, and I know you're Mr. Health. Bless you for putting yourself in harm's way.
 * Stu: Smoking.
 * Maitre'd: All right, table 39. [to Tanya] Table 39.
 * Mrs. Doubtfire: 39! My age! You're a saint. Thank you very much for humoring an old lady.
 * Maitre'd: Thank you.

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 * Mrs. Doubtfire: He was quite fond of the drink. It was the drink that killed him.
 * Miranda: How awful. Was he an alcoholic?
 * Mrs. Doubtfire: No, he was hit by a Guinness truck. So it was quite literally the drink that killed him.

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 * Mrs. Doubtfire: [Drops false teeth in drink, Stu double takes and pulls a strange face] Oh. [pretends to talk with no teeth] Carpe dentum. Seize the teeth. [retrieves dentures from wine glass with fork, shakes them] Just shake them off, like a dog...

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 * [Daniel is accidentally revealed in front of his family and the whole restaurant]
 * Natalie: Daddy?
 * Daniel: [peels off the mask] Yeah, honey. It's me. [Miranda screams softly] Happy birthday.
 * Miranda: [embarrassed] Daniel? Daniel! Oh my God. Oh my God! Oh my God! The whole time? The whole time, you were? [suddenly angry] THE WHOLE TIME?!''
 * Daniel: Oh, I'm sorry, Miranda. Please?
 * Miranda: Don't talk to me! Don't talk to me. Don't touch me! I have to go. We have to leave now. I have to leave! We have to leave now! I have to go! We're going. [grabs Nattie's hand and pulls her away]
 * [Daniel looks at Chris and Lydia]
 * Daniel: [whispering] You guys go.
 * Lydia: I'm sorry, Dad.
 * Chris: Bye.

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 * Judge: Miss Robeson, do you have any closing remarks?
 * Miranda's Lawyer: Nothing further, Your Honor.
 * Judge: Well, Mr. Hillard, since you've determined to act as your own attorney, you are entitled to make a closing statement at this time.
 * Daniel: Your Honor, in the past two months, I have secured a residence, I've refurbished that residence and made it an environment fit for children. Those are your words. I'm also holding down a job as a shipping clerk. So I believe I met your requirements ahead of schedule. In regards to my behavior, I can only plead insanity, because ever since my children were born, the moment I looked at them, I was crazy about them. And once I held them, I was hooked. I'm addicted to my children, sir. I love them with all my heart, and the idea of someone telling me I can't be with them, I can't see them every day...it's like someone saying I can't have air. I can't live without air, and I can't live without them. Listen, I would do anything. I just wanna be with them. You know I need that, sir. We have a history. And I just - they mean everything to me, and they need me as much as I need them. So please, don't take my kids away from me. Thank you. [sits down]
 * Judge: Mr. Hillard, you've been able to fool a lot of people into believing you're a 60-year-old woman. No easy task. And your little speech seemed to be very heartfelt and genuine. But, I believe it to be a terrific performance by a very gifted actor. Nothing more.
 * Daniel: No, it's not that.
 * Judge: The reality, Mr. Hillard, is that your lifestyle over the past months has been very unorthodox. And I refuse to further subject three innocent children to your peculiar and potentially harmful behavior. It is this court's decision to award full custody to Mrs. Hillard.
 * Daniel: Oh, God, no, sir, please...
 * Judge: You will have supervised visitation rights every Saturday.
 * Daniel: Supervised, sir?
 * Judge: Yes. A court liaison will accompany you when you spend time with the children. I am suggesting a period of psychological testing and perhaps treatment for you, Mr. Hillard. We will re-examine this case one year from now. Thank you. Court is adjourned. [bangs gavel]

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 * Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, you wicked, wicked, monkey! Oh! Well, that's all for today. Bye-bye. Well, tomorrow we'll have Frank. Who is a make-up artist? [knock on door] Oh, a big knock at the door. Who could that be? And we have enough time. Mr. Sprinkles, boys and girls. Hello, Mr. Sprinkes.

Taglines

 * She Makes Dinner. She Does Windows. She Reads Bedtime Stories. She's a Blessing in Disguise.
 * She'll Rock Your World.

Cast

 * Robin Williams — Daniel Hillard / Mrs. Euphegenia Doubtfire, Hillard’s housekeeper
 * Sally Field — Miranda Hillard, Daniel’s wife
 * Pierce Brosnan — Stuart Dunmeyer, Miranda’s partner
 * Harvey Fierstein — Frank Hillard, Daniel’s brother
 * Polly Holliday — Gloria Chaney
 * Lisa Jakub — Lydia Hillard, Daniel & Miranda’s daughter
 * Matthew Lawrence — Christopher Hillard, Daniel & Miranda’s son
 * Mara Wilson — Natalie Hillard, Daniel & Miranda’s daughter
 * Robert Prosky — Jonathan Lundy
 * Scott Capurro — Jack Hillard, Frank’s partner
 * Anne Haney — Mrs. Sellner
 * Martin Mull — Justin Gregory
 * Todd Williams — Todd the Bartender