My Name Is Earl

My Name Is Earl (2005–2009) is an NBC sitcom about a man named Earl, who after winning $100,000 in the lottery (and nearly losing it after being struck by a car), sets out to right all of the wrongs he committed in his past in the quest for good karma, having been introduced to the concept by hearing Carson Daly discuss it on television.

Pilot

 * Earl: [narrating] You know that guy you see, when you stop off at the convenience store in that little town on the way to Grandma's house? Sort of shifty looking fella who buys a packet of smokes, a couple-a lotto tickets and a "Tall Boy" at 10 AM in the morning? The kind of guy you wait to come out before you and your family go in? Well... that's me. My name is Earl. And if you took the time to really get to know me, find out what kind of person I really am instead of just stereotyping me, because of the way I look... well, you'd be wasting your time. 'Cause I'm exactly who you think I am. Hell, I'll pretty much steal anything that's not nailed down.


 * Earl: Ain't no use running, fool! I know where your momma parks your house!

Quit Smoking

 * Donny: I got a tattoo of Moses partin' the Red Sea on my bottom. Wanna see?


 * Catalina: This is the sweetest, most justified kidnapping I've ever seen.
 * Randy: How many have you seen?
 * Catalina: About five or so.

Randy's Touchdown

 * Randy: You sure you want to get Grandpa's cuckoo clock back? That thing nearly put my eye out.
 * Earl: Well, you shouldn't have stood so close. You knew what time it was.


 * Earl: Karma. You gotta love it!

Faked His Own Death

 * Randy: Yeah, I'm glad she's not dead any more. Being dead is definitely worse than being alive. When you're dead you can't do all the cool stuff you can do when you're alive. You and I, we can do all kinds of cool stuff cuz we're living, we're not dead, we're alive. If we were dead we wouldn't be able to do all the cool stuff we can do, because we're alive. Dead people can't do cool stuff. Only people that are alive can do cool stuff, cuz they're living, and you have to be living to be able to do cool stuff. You have to be alive. Yeah, 'cept when you're alive sometimes bad stuff happens too. Like sometimes you can get into a car wreck, or you can have a headache or twist your ankle or even stub your big toe... So being alive is kinda hard too, but I think it's definitely better than being dead...


 * Randy: Maybe you should listen to Catalina. She's a woman, just like Natalie. They're both women; her and Natalie. You and I are men. We're not women.
 * Earl: [narrating] Sometimes Randy takes a long road to a simple thought.
 * Randy: You see, men think different than women. You and I think different than Natalie and Catalina 'cause we're men and they're women. I'm right, right, I'm not wrong. Am I wrong?

Teacher Earl

 * Joy: Look Earl, you can't teach her how to talk. I got kids to feed.
 * Earl: These are good people, Joy. I mean they have the right to learn whatever they want.
 * Joy: No they don't ! There's nothing in the Bible that says people have the right to learn stuff. I have read it !

Broke Joy's Fancy Figurine

 * RippanShelly Stoker: I just can't believe you were married to Joy Darville. I haven't thought about how much better I am than her in years!




 * Candy Stoker: But Mom, I want to be a doctor!
 * Shelly Stoker: Honey, if I wanted a doctor in the family, I would have made a boy!




 * Candy Stoker: Thanks Earl. But won't it hurt if I throw a knife in your leg ?
 * Earl: Ah, don't worry about it. I've been stabbed by plenty of girls. It only really hurts when you twist it, pull it out, and stick it back in.




 * Tim Stack: Ladies and gentlemen, this year's Balboa & Sons Lawn Mowers Prettiest Pretty Princesses are... Joy Darville and cremated Mother Darville !

Stole Beer from a Golfer

 * Catalina: What exactly is a county fair ?
 * Randy: It's like Disneyland for poor people. They got a Ferris wheel, bumper boats, bands you thought were dead... Last year, they had the world tallest midget. He was as tall as you Earl, remember ?
 * Earl: I think that might have been a scam, Randy.
 * Randy: I don't know. That was one tall midget.




 * Scott: I'm proving my love to you.
 * Tess: By burning a swastika in my yard?
 * Earl: Dammit. [tries to stomp out the fire, then his shoe gets kicked into black guy's window; black guy throws it back out]
 * Black Guy: WE'RE NOT MOVING!


 * Earl: Now, before I forget, is there anything else I need to fix?
 * Tess: Uhh... I used my hand on a guy a little.
 * Earl: [a little high-pitched] Yeah, I don't know how to un-ring that bell!

Joy's Wedding

 * Randy: If I check McNuggeted do you think they'll let me have two different dipping sauces? I like hot mustard for the first bite but I like to chase it with a little honey on the second bite. You know, it's like having a small meal followed by a tiny dessert every ten to fifteen seconds.


 * [Earl believes Joy told Darnell that they had sex but she has told him Earl slept with his mother]
 * Earl: Come on, Crabman, you know how she is! You can't be that surprised! [is punched by Darnell] It's not like this is the first time it's ever happened. We used to do it all the time! [is punched again] Come on, Crabman, I didn't get mad when you slept with her! [is punched and knocked to the floor]
 * Darnell: You take that back! I've never had sexual relations with my moms!
 * Earl: Your moms? I didn't sleep with your moms, I slept with Joy!
 * Joy: You son of a bitch! I had this covered!

Cost Dad the Election

 * [Earl is representing his father in a debate for an election to be mayor.]
 * Rhonda Gibbs: Mr. Hickey, your views on transport infastructure?
 * [Earl looks blankly at her, but eventually starts talking.]
 * Earl: One time, my dad made a driveway sealer out of maple syrup and ground-up glass. Randy tried it on pancakes. But that's another story.


 * Carl Hickey: I'm Carl Hickey, and I need your vote.
 * [Airplane flies overhead]
 * Carl: But I shouldn't have to shout over airplanes to get it!
 * [Applause]

White Lie Christmas

 * Randy: You know, feliz nobby blah.
 * Catalina: That means nothing.
 * Randy: To you, maybe, but in American, that means "Christmas" in Mexican.


 * Randy: If I can steer that toy car around the room, then we'll be ok to drive.
 * Earl: Randy, that's the cat.

Yes

Barn Burner

 * Joy: You don't want to injure your toilet-scrubbing hand.
 * Catalina: Quiero agradecer a todo el publico Latino que nos acompaña cada semana. Y para los que no son Latinos, les felicito por aprender otro idioma. [I want to thank all the Latino audience that joins us every week. And for those that are not Latino, congratulations to them for learning another language.]
 * Joy: Sorry sweetheart, I don't speak "maid".


 * Earl: It's gone!
 * Dodge: What's gone?
 * Earl: Mystery Fun Land. They tore it down. Now I can't cross ya off the list.
 * Dodge: You mean your "idiot list"?
 * Earl: Is that what your mom calls it?
 * Dodge: She also puts another word in front of it, but I don't know what it means. The guy from Scarface says it a lot.
 * Earl Jr.: I know what it means.

O Karma, Where Art Thou?

 * Mr. Patrick: Are you and e. coli buddies?
 * Earl: Is that the little Chinese guy in the back who washes the dishes?


 * Xena: You takin' all those rolls to Mr. Patrick's house? Ha. He goes through a lot of toilet paper because he's so full of crap! Yesss!

Stole P's HD Cart

 * Earl: We should have taken back roads, but how often do you get to surf a giant hot dog down main street?


 * [Kenny hands in Ralph's typing]
 * Secretary: This appears to be all the swear words you know.
 * Kenny: I have a lot of anger.

Monkeys In Space

 * Earl: [drunk] I got a story about Hank. It was Steve Coco's bachelor party. And like all bachelor parties, there was some entertainment.
 * Hank: Uh, Earl, maybe this isn't the best time...
 * Earl: No, no, don't worry Hank, I won't tell the bad part. So anyway, Hank goes into the bathroom with this stripper, and, uh, you know, some stuff happens. So Hank comes out ten minutes later with his tongue down the stripper's throat, sayin' how she's gonna be his wife, and all of a sudden, somebody says to Hank, "I think she'd make a better husband, 'cause she's a duuUUUuuuUUuuUUUUUDE!" [laughs hysterically] WHOO! WHOOoooOOO!

Something to Live For

 * Philo: [After Earl tries to persuade Catalina to make out with him to cheer him up] No, it's OK, there's already a girl I'm in love with. She's hot.
 * Catalina: I'm hot.
 * Philo: You're OK, but compared to her you're like those things in Lord of the Rings that grow out of the ground covered in slime and attack the castle.
 * Randy: Ewoks, those are called Ewoks.

The Professor

 * Randy: [on discovering a laptop] Hey look, a porn machine!

Didn't Pay Taxes

 * [Randy throws a chocolate bar at Earl, it lands on the floor. Earl fights Randy for the other bar and it falls out his mouth.]
 * Earl: Mine's the one in the wrapper, Randy.

Dad's Car

 * Randy: So, Catalina, what are you doing for your mother on Mother's Day?
 * Catalina: My mother is dead.
 * Randy: Oh, I'm sorry.
 * Catalina: Eh, it's okay. It was either her or me.


 * Billy Reed: You scared? You should be, 'cause I'm Billy Reed. Do you know how many girls I've had sex with? [Holds up four fingers] Four.

Many years later...
 * Billy Reed: You scared? Is that it growed up Earl? You're scared I'll take another car off you? Huh? You scared? You should be, 'cause I'm Billy Reed. Do you know how many girls I've had sex with? [Holds up five fingers] Five.

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 * Earl: Mom, Dad hates me.
 * Kay Hickey: You know, hate is a strong word.
 * Carl Hickey: Kay, I remembered the combination, 3-14-89, it's the day Earl moved out.

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Y2K

 * Earl: Where is everybody, we've gone 10 blocks and haven't seen a soul.
 * Donny: Maybe they're hiding.
 * Randy: Marco? Polo!
 * Joy: Were not in the damn pool, you idiot! Olly olly oxen free!

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 * Earl: Donny? What can I trade you for a TV?
 * Donny: Give me your wife!
 * Earl: I'm not giving you my wife, Donny; pick a snack food.
 * Donny: Marshmallow fluff, smeared on your wife.
 * Earl: Donny!
 * Donny: Ok, I'll give ya a TV, but I get to ask for one favor, and you don't get to ask me what the favor and I can ask you the favor when I want and you can't say no!
 * Earl: Is the favor giving you my wife?
 * Donny: Yep!

Boogeyman

 * [Albie has tricked his father and the police into thinking Earl and Randy kidnapped him.]
 * Albie: [shouting] They said they'll kill me if you don't give us pizza!
 * Randy: Hey, tell them we'll still kill you if it's not pepperoni.

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 * Randy: Earl, it's almost two. Can we watch Win, Lose, Or Draw?

Bounty Hunter

 * Joy: She can't knock my teeth out! I'm going to be the first person in my family to get to 30 with all her originals.

Stole a Badge

 * Randy: It's like one of them crazy-assed Australian wooden Frisbees.

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 * Randy: Maybe we could get Stuart to be a hero by throwing him into that tank at the aquarium and make him wrestle an octopus.
 * Earl: That wouldn't make him a hero, Randy, unless the Octopus was committing a crime... We're not gonna start thinking of ways to get an octopus to commit a crime 'cuz that just has failure written all over it.

BB

 * Prosecutor: Your Honor, the defendant solicited sex from a uniformed officer in the middle of the day.
 * Patty: That's a lie!
 * Prosecutor: Show the tape.
 * [patrol car dash cam begins to play]
 * Patty: [on the dash cam] Hey, I know you're a uniformed officer and it's the middle of the day, but would you like to have sex with me for money?
 * Defense Attorney: Uh, your Honor, I'd like to resign as this woman's counsel.

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 * Randy: He threw my favorite food at me, Earl. What was I supposed to do?
 * Earl: Randy, baloney isn’t your favorite food, animal crackers are.
 * Randy: No, they’re my favorite food shaped like an animal. Do you even listen to me when we talk at night?

Number One

 * Randy: If he's dead and you give that money to his stoned horny mom, I'm going to kill you!

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 * Joy: Patty, you really got to stop biting your nails.
 * Patty: Don't tell me. Tell the mayor. [whispering] He's a nibbler.

Very Bad Things

 * Randy: [singing] We represent the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild, the lollipop...
 * Darnell: Randy, those aren't helium balloons.

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 * Joy: What the hell are you doing?
 * Darnell: Throwing you a surprise party.
 * Joy: My birthday's not till next week!
 * Darnell: That's the surprise.

Jump For Joy

 * Catalina: I will jump for you, Earl, but I will not jump for Joy.

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 * Judge Dierkes: Joy Turner.
 * Joy: [stands up] Yes, your highness?

Made A Lady Think I Was God

 * Earl: Carrot cake is the devil's food. Uh, but that doesn't mean don't make devil's food cake. I love that stuff.

hey

Robbed a Stoner Blind

 * Woody: People who say "laughter is the best medicine" never had gonorrhea.

Born a Gamblin' Man

 * Earl: No, what was weak was sitting in that room talking about your feelings.

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 * Earl: Remember, real men keep their emotions bottled up until they explode, and then they punch something that has nothing to do with what they're mad at.

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 * Kenny: What if you lose? You won't be able to wire her the money, and Catalina's brother will have his finger chewed off by a weasel, and she will hate you forever, and what's worse, you'll hate yourself.
 * Earl: [narrating] When Kenny said those things, it made me look deep into my heart, and I realized something. Something kind of painful. Kenny's a loser!
 * Earl: I'm betting it all, you gotta stop thinking negative!

South Of The Border, Part Uno

 * [Earl is afraid to get a vaccination needed to enter Catalina's country]
 * Randy: [Throws down Earl's list] Fine, you do what you want.
 * Earl: [Bending down to pick up the list] I'm sorry Randy, I just think there's a better way to&mdash;
 * [Randy sticks the syringe in Earl's butt]
 * Earl: [squeaks] Son of a bitch, how did I not see that coming?

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 * Darnell: You know how they say "take a chill pill?" Joy did.

Our "Cops" is On

 * Joy: Dammit, more cops? Y'all don't quit picking on me, I swear I'm gonna go Ruby Ridge... Earl! What the hell are you doing?
 * Earl: You said you wanted a date night, didn't ya? Well, your chariot awaits.
 * Joy: You stole me a police car?
 * Earl: Yep. There's a hostage in the back too. If you say something scary, he'll show you pictures of his kids. They're cute.
 * Joy: I love you so much, baby. I am gonna *beep* your *beep* *beep* with my sweet sweet sweet love *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*.
 * Earl: Shhhh... you had me at balls.

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 * Joy: Hey, crank up the radio! Find me some Wu-Tang Clan.
 * Earl: Since when do you like rap music?
 * Joy: I'm not cheating on you!

Buried Treasure

 * Randy: I can't touch books. You know how afraid I am of paper cuts! They might as well make books out of knives!

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 * Randy: Nerf sidewalks.
 * Darnell: That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

Foreign Exchange Student

 * Earl: [narrating] Then it hit me like a headbutt.

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 * Pierre: [to Earl, who called his bag a purse] You son of a bitch, it's a satchel.

Blow

 * Joy: I have never been 0 for 2 in one night. 2 for 3, but never 0 for 2... Randy, do you know where babies come from?
 * Randy: Yeah. From the bottom of that fuzzy lightning bolt.

The Birthday Party

 * Donnie: [singing to the tune of Pat Benatar's Heartbreaker] You’re a pot breaker, fern shaker, scar maker, don’t you mess around with me.
 * [Later]
 * Donnie: Ohh yeah you’re a blood taker, face breaker, scab maker. Get that fern away — no, no, no.

Guess Who's Coming Out of Joy

 * [Earl's complaining to Randy about Joy giving birth to Darnell's baby]
 * Earl: We could all walk through the mall together and pass one for a family, now eveyone's gonna stare. I'm a clown, Randy. I'm a damn clown.
 * Randy: But people like clowns. Hey, wait a second, if we all paint our faces up to look like clowns all the time then no one would know that Earl Jr. wasn't yours. Can we, Earl? Can we paint our faces like clowns?
 * Earl: Randy, we're not painting our faces like clowns. People'd still stare, and when it rains we'd be screwed.

Harassed a Reporter

 * Randy: Thank God you woke me. I was having an eight hour dream about a ball of yarn. It was so boring, I tried to go to sleep, but I already was.

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 * Joy: As you can see I have a black son and a white son, but I don't see race so I can't tell which is which.

Two Balls, Two Strikes

 * Little Chubby: Maybe if someone had kicked my dad in the nuts years ago, he wouldn't have been such a mean guy and my mom wouldn't have hit the highway.
 * Earl: Wow, that must've been tough, seeing your mom leave.
 * Little Chubby: Oh, she didn't leave. My dad threw her out of a moving car. Still, it was tough to watch.

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 * Earl: What do the doctors say?
 * Little Chubby: I haven't been to a doctor. As my father used to say, "never trust a man who wants to stick his finger in your butt".
 * Earl: You can't argue with that logic.
 * Little Chubby: Yeah, well, if he was so smart he wouldn't have ended up with a hole in his head where the vodka should've been.

My Name is Inmate 28301-016

 * Glenn: I'm gonna rip out your hair, put it in a jar and, I don't know, mail it to the pope! With a salmon.

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 * Glenn: I'm gonna find you! I will track you down and wear your pelt!

The Gangs of Camden County

 * Earl: Whoa! So. You guys are kissin'. What's that about?

Our Other "Cops" is On!

 * [A cop goes to Club Chubby's per a police complaint]
 * Cop: What is the problem here, ladies?
 * Catalina: The problem is, officer, that this perra stole my regular!
 * Cop: Alright, alright! Now let's hear Perra's side of the story.
 * Dancer: He's my regular now! You weren't around! A man's got needs, and I got everything he needs [smacks butt] right here, okay?!
 * Cop: What's your side of the story, sir?
 * Nescobar: I don't know why they're fighting! They have both sat on my lap, they are both now my wives.
 * Cop: Sir, just because a girl sits on your lap doesn't mean you're married to her!
 * Catalina: You shouldn't even sit on a man's lap; you'll break his legs.
 * Dancer: [Looks confused]
 * Catalina: I'm calling you fat.
 * Dancer: Oh, you should not have explained that!
 * Nescobar: Wives, wives! I have enough seed for both of you. The skinny one, I will lay with you for pleasure. The thick one, you will birth my sons.
 * Catalina: See? He called you thick!
 * [The two girls tackle and fight each other on a pool table; the cop restrains Nescobar from breaking up the fight]
 * Cop: Whoa whoa whoa! Hold on! Let's see where this goes.
 * Club Announcer: [V/O] Gentlemen, there is a catfight at the pool table!

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 * [An inmate walks up to Randy]
 * Inmate: So you actually know Tim Stack? [Randy nods] Wow, he's funny. I'd like to kidnap him, spend some time with him and maybe set him on fire.
 * Randy: Yeah, he would be funny on fire.
 * [Singing to the tune of the "COPS" theme]
 * Randy: Tim Stack, Tim Stack, set him on fire.
 * Inmate: Set him on fire watch him burn to death.
 * Together: Tim Stack, Tim Stack, set him on fire, set him on fire watch him burn to death, Tim Stack, Tim Stack, set him on fire!

I Won't Die With A Little Help From My Friends

 * Doctor: All we can do now is pray. I bet you wish you had more than one god now. Hahaha.

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 * Joy: ...and third, you don't look this good without the Lord on your side!

Killerball

 * Earl: [narrating] Lucky for me, Randy had a degree in joysticks from the University of Pacman.
 * Randy: Wacca wacca wacca wacca.

Girl Earl

 * Earl: It was like some crazy cross between Rocky and Supermarket Sweep.

Sweet Johnny

 * Johnny: Woot! Sweet Johnny!

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 * [Earl has discovered that his friend, Sweet Johnny is attempting suicide.]
 * Earl: Sweet Johnny, what are you doin'?
 * Sweet Johnny: Endin' it. If this is my life and that's Sheila's ass, I don't wanna go on.

Quit Your Snitchin

 * [Earl prepares to surprise Randy with a new car, and Catalina is showing it off]
 * Randy: I already had her... not great.
 * Catalina: Not me, jerk, the car!

Witch Lady

 * Stuart: If we have to kill anyone I say we kill the hooker.
 * Patty: Why me?
 * Stuart: Hookers die everyday. You're living off borrowed time.

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 * Joy: I swear, sometimes it's like I married Jesus's nicer brother.

Bully

 * Wally: I don't care if that prize comes with a talking pet monkey. It's not worth turning myself into a pansy!
 * Earl: [narrating] I knew something was wrong because no self-respecting man would ever turn down a talking monkey.

Dodge's Dad

 * [The series' last lines]
 * Earl: Joy, was that the Halloween party where Fat Steve dressed up like the Kool-Aid guy and broke his nose trying to run through the wall? I wore a skeleton costume to that party.
 * Joy: What? Earl, did you do me?
 * Earl: If anything, you did me. I was drunk. I don't remember anything after Fat Steve going through the wall.
 * Joy: Sweet Jesus!
 * Earl: I know! I'm Dodge's father!
 * Joy: That explains why Dodge's moustache is starting to come in already.
 * Darnell: [reading the DNA results] We've got another problem.
 * Earl: What?
 * Darnell: These three DNAs match. That means it's you and the boys, which makes this one mine and it doesn't match any of those.
 * Joy: What does that mean?
 * Darnell: It means I'm not Earl Junior's father.
 * Joy: Now, everybody just calm down.