My Wife and Kids

My Wife and Kids was a sitcom that aired on ABC, 2001–2005. It starred Damon Wayans and Tisha Campbell-Martin.

Dialogue

 * Jay (after Tiara compliments Junior's shoes): Tiara, he [Junior] put those mirrors on his shoes so he could look up at your panties.
 * Tiara: Well, joke's on him, because I'm not wearing any.


 * Junior (who's about to eat raw chicken): Have you ever heard of sushi?
 * Michael: Have you ever heard of salmonella?
 * Junior: No, but if she knows how to cook, invite her over?


 * Kady:I made you some chicken noodle soup.
 * Michael: Did you get this [water in the soup] out of the toilet like the last time?
 * Kady: No, silly!
 * (Michael starts to eat the soup)
 * Kady: ...the fish tank!
 * (Michael then spits out the soup)
 * Michael: Mmm, mmm, guppy!


 * Michael: No asking your grandfather for money.
 * Junior: I can't stop him. He folds it up in his hand and shoves it in my pocket. What can I do?
 * Michael: Be naked. I bet he won't shove it in that pocket.


 * Jay (to Michael): Are these [pants] yours or Junior's?
 * Michael: Junior's. I don't have pants with more than 38 pockets.


 * Jay: What does that look like to you?
 * Michael: I'll say it's chocolate-covered raisins.
 * Jay: No, it looks like mouse droppings.
 * Michael: There's only one way to find out. Junior, come taste one of these.


 * Michael: I thought you were going shopping for towels.
 * Jay: I did.
 * Michael: When did Sony start making towels?


 * Franklin: First, we need to clean it (referring to a raw chicken).
 * Claire:OK, I'll put it in the dishwasher. Life cycle, right?


 * Franklin: Today, we're going to cook minute rice.
 * Claire: Really? How long will that take?


 * Jay: I've got ye olde egg salad.
 * Michael: That's why ye olde lifespan was only 36 years, because ye olde bowels couldn't digest ye olde food.


 * Michael: Put him [a customer] down!
 * Calvin: I'm trying, but I don't know where to put him down! Why did they put in a 'pick-up' sign when they didn't put in a 'put-down' sign?
 * Michael: It's a good thing you didn't see the 'loading in rear' sign.


 * Claire: How would you feel if your parents went on a double date with you and Mom?
 * Michael: Like a virgin.


 * Michael: You seem to be forgetting what we did in a movie theater. Remember the hot dog trick?
 * Jay: Go check on the kids.


 * Junior (after Michael writes the title of Junior's notepad of dumb sayings called "I Ain't Dumb"): Dad, there's no 'B' in dumb, that's 'dum-bee'.


 * Michael: I found a gray hair.
 * Jay: Where? In your goatee?
 * Michael: Lower.
 * Jay: Your chest?
 * Michael: Warmer.
 * Jay: You're nuts!
 * Michael: Exactly. The right one.


 * Jay: You have 10 whole teeth in your mouth.
 * Kady: That's more than Grandma, right?


 * Junior: These hands were made for love.
 * Michael: I know one of them is.


 * Junior: For once, I'm not the dumbest one in the room.
 * Tony: Yes, you are.
 * Junior: You just proved me right. Because it's, "Yes, you is."
 * Michael: Why don't you quit while you're behind, son?


 * Junior: He who runs away, lives to fight another day.
 * Michael: Yeah. And then he runs to join the Village People.


 * Junior (about accidentally knocking Michael out while being taught how to box): I feel like Sugar Ray.
 * Jay: Which one?
 * Junior: The band.


 * Claire (after telling Junior, who got into a fight with Tony and got beat up after he assumed that Claire and Tony were having sex, when really they were playing miniature golf): What did you think we did?
 * Junior: It.
 * Claire: It?
 * Jay: It?
 * Michael: It?
 * Claire: That's disgusting!
 * Jay: That's disgusting!
 * Michael: That's just plain damn nasty.


 * Jay (to Claire, who broke up with Tony after seeing him with another woman, who was actually his cousin): Baby, you've got to communicate with Tony. That is the secret to any good relationship. How do you think your father and I have held in there for so long?
 * Michael: Unplanned pregnancies?
 * (Jay stamps on Michael's foot) Ow!
 * You said you wanted me to give the male point of view, I'm giving you the male point of view!
 * Jay: Go point your view back at the television.


 * Michael (to Claire, who is eating junk food to comfort her after her breakup with Tony): Claire, you gotta watch your sugar intake. You're already genetically predisposed to being a little thick. (looks at Jay)
 * Jay: That wasn't even necessary!
 * Michael: Baby, I was just being honest.
 * Jay (referring to Michael's head): Do I run around the house telling Junior that he's genetically predisposed of looking like a brown egg?


 * Kady: Mom always burns the bottom of her cookies, and I like that.
 * Jay: Thanks...I think.


 * Michael: (to restaurant warker) You're Japanese, too?
 * Man: Until midnight.


 * Hippie: (to Michael) I'm going to call you 'Dark Cloud'. Aah!
 * Michael: And I'm going to call you 'a cab'! Aah!


 * Franklin: [to Kady, after she unknowingly applied skunk odor to herself] Don't worry, my little stinkweed. I still love you.


 * Jay: It's Junior's first big-boy drawers!
 * Michael: I remember the big doo-doos he left in those drawers.


 * Jay: Junior's SAT scores just came in.
 * Michael: Oh boy, let me get the whiskey.


 * Jay: Claire, you're 16 now, what do you see yourself doing in the next few years?
 * Claire: Shopping.


 * Michael: Son, how do you feel about sheep?
 * Junior: Hey, who don't like saving money?


 * Jay: (to Michael) If you keep this up, you're going to get to know your fingers really well.


 * Michael: This beef stroganoff is really saying something.
 * Jay: Yeah, it's saying 'I'm meatloaf!'


 * Claire: Junior, get your butt out of my face!
 * Junior: Get your face out of my butt!
 * Claire: I'm the one in the line of fire!


 * A short time later:


 * Michael: Junior, I'll give you $50 if you fart right now.


 * Kady: Which one of the Powerpuff Girls is my favorite?
 * Franklin: Barney?


 * Vanessa: Which yogurt flavor is my favorite?
 * Junior: Seven!


 * Jay: What is my dress size?
 * Michael: The answer to your question is, your dress size is a six...
 * Jay: *giggling*
 * Michael: ...teen!


 * Michael: Why does everyone think I'm the big green ogre?
 * Junior: Because you are.


 * Jay: What, you have a big-screen TV in your back pocket?
 * Wanda: No, but thanks for suggesting one can fit back there.


 * Junior: I can't concentrate on my homework.
 * Michael: So you have to concentrate to bring home two D's and an F.


 * Jay: I'm cleaning out the closet.
 * Michael: With what, a bomb?


 * Jay: Tell me that's not Brian McKnight.
 * Junior: That's not Brian McKnight.
 * Jay: Yes, it is, Junior.
 * Junior: Then why'd you tell me to tell you--
 * Jay: Shut up, boy, and get me to the altar!


 * Calvin: [after tasting some pudding meant to symbolize feces in a baby's soiled diaper] Mmm, it's chocolate pudding.
 * Instructor: Lucky for you, that's right.'''

Jay

 * (referring to Ken's new girlfriend, Tiara) "I hope this one doesn't think Apartheid is a laundry detergent."
 * (to Michael) "Until you get this mouse out of the house, you ain't getting any panties from this fanny!"
 * (to Michael, after hearing Tony singing) "I can't ignore him. He sounds like a cat in heat."
 * "The boy (Junior) has a lawnchair for a front (car) seat."
 * (to Junior, about his car) "She may have character, but she doesn't have a front seat."

Junior

 * "Why do they call it a 'coffin' when you can't cough?"
 * "Shake, shake, shake! Shake, shake, shake! Shake your milkshake!"
 * "I may have put the '-oron' in 'moron', but I didn't put the '-upid' in 'dumb'!"
 * "And he [Christopher Columbus] thought the world was round. What an idiot!"
 * "You know I can't work a VCR."

Michael

 * "How am I supposed to believe that my pie got up and ate itself?"
 * "This [pie] is all you're going to eat until I find out who did it [ate his pie]."
 * "Did you see the way those women looked at me? I felt like a hamburger in Somalia."
 * "Boy, you've got your butt in my ear!"
 * "Kissing can lead to touching, and touching can lead to grandchildren."
 * (to a man at the gas station) "Hey, Shrek! You think you can move any time this century?!"
 * "'Summer Breeze'? That sounds like a feminine hygiene commercial."

Kady

 * "I don't care about no chocolate, anyway. It gives me the runs."

Franklin

 * "Let's drink some of that colored water, saturated with high-fructose corn syrup, get a huge sugar rush going, and then watch hours of insipid animated marsupials sing and dance their way through a jungle festooned with product placement featuring candy-laced cereals that will no doubt destroy my pancreas before I'm 12 and leave me twitching in a diabetic coma."

Other people

 * Grandma Kyle: "I'm going to outlive you if it kills me!"
 * Nurse: "Did something die in here?"