Mystery, Alaska

Mystery, Alaska is a 1999 comedy-drama film directed by Jay Roach and starring Russell Crowe, Hank Azaria, Mary McCormick, Lolita Davidovich, Ron Eldard, Colm Meany, Maury Chaykin and Burt Reynolds about a fictional small-town ice hockey team that plays a game against the New York Rangers of the National Hockey League. A Small Town on the Outskirts of Greatness.taglines

Judge Walter Burns

 * Mr. Pruitt, I don't want to hear about Price World, and I don't want to hear another word about a hockey game. We talked about that.

Bailey

 * Forgive me, your honor. I'm fat.
 * Big doings we got here in Mystery. Price World wants to come here, and now the New York Rangers want to come.

Dialogue

 * Matt: I play hockey and I fornicate, because those are the two most fun things to do in cold weather.


 * Donnie: This is hockey, okay? It's not rocket surgery.


 * Sarah: Mother walrus going "Thwap, thwap, thwap"?
 * Matt: What?
 * Sarah: You want to hear a "Thwap"?
 * [Heinz hits Skank with a shovel]


 * [Mr. Walsh is shot]
 * John: You okay?
 * Mr. Walsh: No, I'm not okay! Do I look okay? The fucker shot me! What the fuck-ass fuck of a bum-fuck shithole town is this? I make a business call. I give him my card. And the hick-ass fucker shoots my foot off! Cock-fucking shit!


 * Janice: It's a Rockwellian Christmas up here. Skating. Barbecues. Snow. We're here with defenseman Matt Marden, and... cut!
 * Charles: What?
 * Janice: I can't feel my fingers.
 * Matt: You need to rub them on a nice, warm Yuletide log.
 * Janice: I beg your pardon?
 * Matt: Look, Christmas is a lonely day for a guy to be choking his own chicken. And as women reporters go, I find you supple.
 * Janice: Oh, that was lovely. It's a shame we weren't rolling for that.
 * Charles: I'm sure he'd be happy to repeat it.
 * Matt: [laughing] You need to relax!
 * Janice: Charles!
 * Matt: Do you like massages?
 * [Skank leans over, bursting into laughter again]


 * Donnie: Hey, you know where a guy can get a rub and a tug around here?


 * John Bebe: Women don't like being referred to as fat mammals, Skank.
 * Matt Marden: I never would've said that to her face!


 * Reporter: Did you see your daddy out there?
 * Joey: I have a toy pony, he takes big shits.


 * Bailey: [questioning a witness in court] You don't like our little town very much. Do you, Mr. Walsh?
 * Mr. Walsh: I have nothing against your town, Mr. Pruitt.
 * Bailey: Did you say, "What the fuck-ass fuck of a bum-fuck shithole town is this?"


 * [John is jealous after seeing his wife and Charles Danner laughing together in the stands, while John was busy trying to coach the team. Donna doesn't understand why he's upset]
 * Donna: John?
 * John: You've been smiling a lot lately.
 * Donna: [smiling, still puzzled] Excuse me?
 * John: Ever since he came back, Charlie. You been smiling a little more.
 * Donna: [finally understanding] John, that was high school.
 * [he walks a few steps, kicking the snow to reveal the frozen pond below. Then he kicks at the ice again and speaks metaphorically]
 * John: This is not a pond!


 * Scott: And we're getting a Zamboni, Donna.
 * Donna: A Zamboni? Wow, I'm getting wet just thinking about it.
 * Scott: Jesus Christ!
 * [walks away]


 * Donna: Every ex-player turned coach says that they prefer coaching over playing. Why would they all say that?
 * John: Because they can't play.


 * Walter: Hi, what's wrong.
 * Joanne: Uh, Walter, get out. This is private.
 * Walter: I'm entitled to know what's going on under this roof. After all, I am the father of this child...
 * Joanne: Walter, if you don't leave, I *swear* I'll tell you.
 * Walter: [pause] Right.
 * [leaves]

Taglines

 * A Small Town on the Outskirts of Greatness.

Cast

 * Russell Crowe - Sheriff John Biebe
 * Hank Azaria - Charles Danner
 * Mary McCormack - Donna Biebe
 * Burt Reynolds - Judge Walter Burns
 * Colm Meaney - Mayor Scott R. Pitcher
 * Lolita Davidovich - Mary Jane Pitcher
 * Maury Chaykin - Bailey Pruitt
 * Ron Eldard - Matt "Skank" Marden
 * Michael Buie - Connor Banks
 * Ryan Northcott - Stevie Weeks
 * Beth Littleford - Janice Pettiboe
 * Kevin Durand - "Tree" Lane
 * Scott Grimes - Brian "Birdie" Burns
 * Jason Gray-Stanford - Bobby Michan
 * Adam Beach - Galin Winetka
 * Leroy Peltier - Ben Winetka
 * Cameron Bancroft – "Tinker" Connolly
 * Michael McKean - Mr. Walsh
 * Rachel Wilson - Marla Burns
 * Megyn Price - Sarah Heinz
 * Judith Ivey - Mrs. Joanne Burns
 * Terry David Mulligan – Dr. Henry Savage
 * Mike Myers - Donnie Shulzhoffer
 * Jim Fox - himself
 * Phil Esposito - himself
 * Little Richard - himself
 * L. Scott Caldwell – Judge McGibbons
 * Steve Levy - himself
 * Barry Melrose - himself