Mystery Diners

Mystery Diners is a scripted American reality television series on the Food Network. The series, hosted by Charles Stiles, debuted on May 25, 2012, and focuses on a group of diners who, at the request of certain owners, go undercover at specific restaurants and set up undercover stings and unseen surveillance cameras to catch misbehaving restaurant employees in the act.

= Party Monster = Basically George is a really, really eccentric, fun, Frenchie guy.

Release those hounds mama!

It's a family fun place, not a whorehouse.

Ladies night means she's gonna have a way better time than you are, bro.

He tries to be like me, but that's the wrong approach. There's only one George.

This is not the vibe I want for my restaurant. This is not a frat house.

Look, Danny just cost you 3 customers. Look, those 3 women are leaving. I don't blame 'em. I mean blowing chunks all over the sidewalk in front of 'em.

Dude, dude. You ******* missed it bro.

What?

She blew chunks everywhere outside.

Would you still kiss her?

She's yours.

But you don't want customers seeing a drunk person stumble through your restaurant.

SHUT YOUR F****** MOUTH! AND GET OUT OF HERE! GET OUT OF HERE! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU OR YOU! I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU! I'M DONE WITH BOTH OF YOU! FOREVER! GET OUTTA HERE MAN! GET OUTTA HERE!

= All in the Family = How's the old winky working?

It's alright.

Is it going alright?

Is that Viagra working for you?

You're acting a little crazy now.

I'm just kidding with you.

Um, so what strip club do you come from?

Seriously, why did uncle UJ hire you?

Probably 'cause I'm a good worker.

Are you good at jobs?

Yeah.

What kind of jobs are you good at?

I'm a waitress just like you.

If you can read, then everything you read is good.

Here I am sprinting. I'm running. I'm running.

Do you want it in a skirt?

What do you call dressed?

She just rubbed that bun on her chest!

Do not eat that sandwich. That thing is literally swimming in sweat.

Taking sandwiches and putting 'em in between your boobs and stuff like that.

= No Laughing Matter = Where's your restrooms at?

My restrooms are like way up town and they're a wreck 'cause I don't clean it as often as I should. Actually if you come around there and go to the one that says men. The other one you'll get screamed at.

You guys doing okay? Very, very pink today. Are you guys in town for a while? We're from Canada. We're moving down here. If you wanna move to America, you gotta come to the deep red South. You're gonna start talking like this, next thing you know. What's your name? Tim. My name's Tim. See it becomes a 2 syllable word. Hi, my name's Tee-im. This is where food comes to die. It comes here to become zombie food. This is our hostess. Which by the way ironically enough is her favorite thing to eat. Hostess. You know how they have that Siri on iPhone? I'm too broke. I can't afford that. I got a knockoff one. It doesn't have Siri, but it has Shaniqua on it. Shaniqua? Yeah. I'm like, "Shaniqua, what's the weather like today?" She's like, "Man, I don't know. Look out the window, you dumbass." You know you could totally do a male version of Whoopi. The food come out in time? Well, I'm gonna tell them to rush it, because I don't know how much longer. Oh, how nice? He doesn't know how much longer you're gonna live. I got this soda and it's totally flat. It's totally flat? Yeah. Well, I can't say that about your chest. Hello. Why do you have one arm? I don't know. Why do you have one arm? My name is Senor Crawdad. Our friends, our friends have died from boiling water. Hey, how many of you guys heard about the BP oil spill? Our lobster comes in 2 flavors: diesel and unleaded. So. Get it? 'Cause gas comes in diesel and unleaded. Yeah. Know what we learned from the BP oil spill? We learned that pelicans are really absorbent. They're like winged sponges. Hey. Did you hear this one? A mushroom walks into a bar.

= Night Shift = There goes the cook. The kitchen is officially closed for the night.

Alright, y'all. The Junkyard is now open.

According to his drink specials, he's got a drink for every night of the week. Oh, so today's Wednesday. It must be half-price hump day.

Alright fellas! Who wants some of the private stash? The good stuff.

I cannot believe the nerve of this guy. He doesn't have to pay rent. He doesn't have to pay any electricity. He doesn't have to pay for the television. He didn't even have to buy his own toilet paper.

What's the deal with JR's Junkyard? Uh, let me say it this way.

You can read. Obviously.

You can see what today is.

Yes, I can read. Hump day. Half price hump day means you call a drink and it's half price, brother.

Sounds like the Hells Angels are rolling in.

Do you guys normally have a bouncer?

No, we don't charge anything to come in here.

Beautiful ladies, beautiful drinks.

If he keeps drinking all night he's just not gonna be coherent enough to be taking care of the bar and managing your customers. Those aren't my customers, those are his customers.

Slide around the back. Come help me out. Hey. What up, man? Hungry, man. Okay. Y'all know where the damn food's at. This ain't your first time here. go. Hey, and it's not your house. Clean up. Uh yeah. Do you normally let your customers go into the kitchen to cook their own food? Absolutely not. Dude, buffet. Got the buffet going on. If the health department was to catch this, they'd shut your kitchen down. Mmmm bacon. As if it weren't bad enough that old grandpa was hanging out behind the bar, he let two of his idiot friends in the kitchen to cook chicken wings. You know, it's one thing to steal a couple of chicken wings. It's another things to have two unsanitary guys in your kitchen using your equipment. These two, not only could they have burned themselves, they could have started a fire and burned the whole restaurant down.

Alright check this out. Some of these guys in here are gonna understand what I'm about to say. This is real important to you gentlemen, alright. This is to the women we've had, the women we've wanted, and the women that told us **** you. Salud! He thinks he Tom Cruise in Cocktail. Smash toast! Well no wonder they call it the Junkyard. He just cost you $50 in glassware. Not to mention the broken glass all over the floor. Somebody can cut themselves. Well I now know why it's a pigsty every time I come in in the morning.

Hate to see you leave, but I love to watch you go.

I wanna throw up, Charles. Well, it looks like he's moonlighting on his moonlighting job. I can't let this guy leave my bar and restaurant unattended. I'm stopping this right now. Hey, Junkyard! Where do you think you're going?

Hey! Alright! I want everybody to get out of my bar, now! Let's go! Drinks down! Asses out the door! Let's go! Do you think I'm an idiot? This isn't my first day on the job. I guess he doesn't wanna work here anymore. Dude! I didn't touch any of her alcohol, bro. I was selling my own ****. I brought people into this bar. So you know what? This is bull****, bro! Man, seriously get the **** out of my face with that camera, dude! Get out of my face, bro!

=Chef's Choice=

My little baby. You get your food now, little baby?

What kind of rum by the way? Doesn't matter. It does matter. You don't want the well. It's disgusting.

He just threw an orange slice back into the sink.

Hey Shelby, I want you to look into the sink and look for fruit wedges.

And you know, my instinct in watching this is to say that this is a disgruntled employee who is bitching about the chef. Hey, they teach you sex ed at that school?

Hi, Brianna. My name is Brian. Oh, Brian? Sorry. Go ahead, Brianna. Get the hell out of here, alright? My name, my name's Brian. I said Brianna, alright? You don't like that, too bad.

Hey, how's your boyfriend doing? Huh? I don't have one. Didn't I see you with some guy the other day? I don't know. Maybe my roommate? I don't have a boyfriend. Oh, you don't have a boyfriend?

Ketel vodka? Is that ok? It's the good stuff. You don't want the well. It's terrible.

Again, throwing more fruit into the sink.

Oh! Hey bro, no, no. Don't worry about that. I got that. Leave that.

Your barback tried to clean that fruit out of the sink and KP stopped him. And would there be any reason that they would want fruit to sit in that sink? Absolutely not, there would be no reason to do that.

He just rang both of those up as well drinks.

I'm willing to bet that there is more money in that register than what would show up on your register receipt.

Now look at that. He's puttin' more fruit in the little sink over there. And I'm willing to bet that the fruit in that sink is a counting device that he's using to know at the end of the night how much money to put in his pocket.

I knew it! He's countin' the fruit. I guarantee you, the fruit's gonna match up the money that he pulls out of the register and sticks in his pocket.

I'm having trouble sitting in this chair. I can feel my head turning bright red.

Everyone has food except for my tables. They're about to leave. Don't have your panties in a bunch, you jerk. Well, you know what, tell them to relax, and that you'll have the food in a minute, alright?

They're getting pissed. Can I what? They're getting pissed. Can I what? They are getting pissed. Can I do what? Stop it! Huh?

Johnny, you need to stop talking! You just need to get in here and shut the hell up! You're countin' fruit so you know exactly how much money to stick in your pocket. I don't know what you're talking about, bro.