NCIS: Los Angeles (season 1)

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 * NCIS: Seasons (1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17) | Los Angeles: Seasons (1 2 3 4 5 6 7) | New Orleans: Seasons 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

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Identity [1.1]

 * Callen: What are we, if anyone asks?
 * Sam: Uhh, city inspectors?
 * Callen: No, nobody talks to city inspectors.
 * Sam: Okay, you're a realtor, I'm your client. You're showing me an apartment.
 * Callen: Do I look like a realtor?
 * Sam: Okay, I'm a realtor, you're the guy looking for the apartment. Okay? Can we go?
 * Callen: Would I live in a place like this? I don't even know if I can afford a place like this.
 * Sam: Well, that's why I'm showing you, to see if, you know, you would wanna live in a place like this.
 * Callen: Does it have a Jacuzzi?
 * Sam: If it has, I'm going to drown you in it.


 * Sam: I'm definitely getting you a birthday card this year.
 * Callen: Great. You make sure you put some money in it.
 * Sam: How 'bout I put a personality in it?


 * Callen: Where are we with friends or lovers?
 * Sam: There is one stand-out, a guy.
 * Callen: Friend or lover?
 * Dominic: Not really the question that had jumped out at me.
 * Callen: Informed guess?
 * Dominic: He's a six-foot-three, two-hundred-pound, Special Forces-paratrooper guy. So, I'm leaning towards a friend.
 * Sam: Good call, Dom.


 * Hetty: Wardrobe for your undercover work. I know you grew up in the well-meaning, but cold embrace of the welfare state, Mr. Callen, but, just because you're an orphan, doesn't mean that you have to dress like Oliver Twist. Now, we need something, modern, individual, that speaks to the man within. [hands him clothes] That's not for you to admire, it's for you to try on. Here, and here, and here. [holds up clothes] This or this?
 * Callen: Those.
 * Hetty: Uh, fitted boot jean, medium weight, distressed denim. I think we need something more relaxed, Mr. Callen. [Callen chuckles] Something amuses you?
 * Callen: Oh, it's just in three years, you've never called me "G".
 * Hetty: It's not a name, it's a letter. Now, if you were to tell me what the "G" stands for.
 * Callen: No one ever told me.


 * Hetty: Expense accounts--you're 6 months behind. I would have thought that, seeing you had time off for recuperation, you would have caught up on your paperwork.
 * Callen: Please tell me you're kidding me, Hetty.
 * Hetty: Well, I could, but it would be a lie. No rush! Tomorrow will be fine...

The Only Easy Day [1.2]

 * [Eric whistles and everyone leaves, Dominic--standing with his back turned--doesn't notice]
 * Hetty: Personally, I do not respond to being whistled at like a sheep dog, but Eric seems to have trained the others. So, I suggest you learn the appropriate Pavlovian response. [Dominic has a questioning look on his face] Which is Go! Go, doggie, go!


 * Nate: What is the world coming to, when drug dealers aren't even safe in the comfort of their own fortified homes?
 * Hetty: Oh, your professional psychological analysis is an invaluable asset to our team, Nate.
 * Nate: Thanks, Hetty.
 * Hetty: But your stand up needs some work. Save it for open mike night.


 * Sam: SEALs work together as a team. Holgate had the tendency to act like a lone wolf, if you know what I'm talking about.
 * Callen: Actually, half the time I don't know what you're talking about. And the rest of the time, I just disagree.


 * Dom: It's just... it's hard being the new guy.
 * Kensi: Try being the new girl! They used to make me crawl into air vents, under houses, just because I was the smallest one. Yeah, when was the last time any of you had to put on a bikini for an assignment? Yeah, that's right, try hiding a gun in your thong.
 * Dom: Alright, I just never thought of it that way.
 * Kensi: Yeah, well, it's obviously not like that anymore. I mean, if you can prove that you can protect yourself, and protect your team, they'll let up. If Sam is hard on you in the office, it's really just because he wants to protect you in the field. Well, of course, either that, or he genuinely doesn't like you.


 * [Hetty finds Sam punching a punching bag]
 * Hetty: What's wrong, Sam?
 * Sam: Why does something have to be wrong? Can't a guy get some exercise?
 * Hetty: Pilates is exercise. Beating the hell out of something is an aggressive expression of male frustration.

Predator [1.3]

 * Kensi: Look you guys, I am the best first-date-girl in town. I mean, I bring my A game: funny, flirty, charming, spontaneous, tasteful.
 * Sam: Like me.
 * Callen: And the second?
 * Kensi: The second date: antsy, bored, distant, impatient, irritable.
 * Sam: Like G.


 * Hetty: Few men know how to deal with a smart, strong independent woman. They say they want a soul mate to share their dreams and their hopes with, but all they really want is a substitute mommy.
 * Nate: Okay, as a professional psychologist, I have to completely--
 * Hetty: [interrupts him] Nate, sit down!
 * Nate: Cool, I'm going to sit.


 * Sam: How fast can we get that footage off the web?
 * Eric: With or without the cooperation of Sphereguide.com's legal department? [Sam looks at him] Okay, cutting through the legal tape... [types in some code and grins] I just crashed their entire server.
 * Hetty: [yelling from her office] Idiot hackers!!!
 * Eric: Uh-oh
 * Callen: Sam, I think we're due in the boathouse.
 * Sam: Walking!
 * [Callen and Sam walk away, passing Hetty as she walks in]
 * Callen: Eric did it.
 * Sam: Hey, Hetty.
 * Hetty: I was watching that viral video with the cats, and the trampoline, and the site just froze up and crashed on me! Did you have anything to do with that?


 * Sam: So, what are we this time, a couple of salesmen who got lost, maybe some guys looking for an old college friend?
 * Callen: How about we're two armed federal agents trying to apprehend a terrorist?
 * Sam: Oh, yeah!


 * Jenson: I don't get close to people on the job. Trust me, you open that door up, you're asking for a needy, whiny slacker of a colleague.
 * Callen: I know exactly what you mean.
 * (After Jenson leaves)
 * Sam: I don't whine, I'm not needy, and I don't slack.
 * Callen: Two out of three ain't bad.

Search and Destroy [1.4]

 * [Hetty walks up to the group with a shirt]
 * Hetty: What is this Mr. Callen?
 * Callen: Uh, that is a knit combed cotton.
 * Hetty: With a bloodstain.
 * Callen: I would never bleed on your wardrobe, it had to be a bad guy.
 * Hetty: Good, bad or ugly, I don't care. The point is you neglected to tell me about it and now it's set long enough so that it might be permanent.
 * Sam: Hetty, it's just a shirt.
 * Hetty: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this is not just a shirt. This is a Saville Row one hundred percent polished Egyptian cotton hand stitched with pearl buttons. That thing you're wearing is just a shirt.
 * Sam: Yeah, but it's a comfy shirt.
 * Hetty: (to Callen) Your new color scheme is black.
 * Callen: I can live with black.


 * Vance: Eric.
 * Eric: Director.
 * Vance: Congratulations on the milestone.
 * Eric: Aw, thank you. [chuckles and Callen and Sam stare at Eric] It's Facebook, he's friend number five hundred. He's kinda honored.


 * Callen: [to Nate] So, basically you don't have squat.
 * Nate: I'd say it's more of a broad spectrum of possibilities.
 * Sam: Yeah, that's what they call squat.


 * Callen: (About an origami figure Sam made.) Is that a frog?
 * Sam: It's a swan.
 * Callen: From where, Chernobyl?


 * Kensi: So, Caldwell takes Amini out and sets up Flynn to take the fall. Then tortures his foster brother, Chad Ellis, to death.
 * Sam: [to Nate] Shrinks have a term for someone like that, Doc?
 * Nate: Yeah, really screwed up.

Killshot [1.5]

 * Sam: I guess they're still working on your office.
 * Nate: Yup.
 * Sam: Know when it's going to be ready?
 * Nate: I don't know.
 * Sam: Who knows?
 * Nate: Hetty.
 * Sam: You wanna ask her?
 * Nate: You're armed, you ask her.
 * Sam: You're the psychologist.
 * Nate: Look, I've been trained to profile suspects and brief you guys operationally. And with three years of college, and two more years to get my masters and my doctorate when it comes to Hetty, clueless.

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 * [Callen and Sam are discussing Callen's living arrangements]
 * Callen: I don't know, I... I think I like the boat idea better. I can just kinda sail off.
 * Sam: Do you know how to sail?
 * Callen: No.
 * Sam: Well that could be a problem.

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 * Callen: He's a bureaucrat, Sam thinks I have a deep-seated suspicion of them.
 * Vance: I'm a bureaucrat, Agent Callen.
 * Callen: I don't have a deep-seated suspicion of you, uh, Director.

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 * [Callen, Sam and Jimmy dive for cover behind a car as an assassin fires at them.]
 * Sam: You want to peak your head over and take a look?
 * Callen: I'm good.

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 * Hetty: And the duress word is?
 * Dom: Uh, uh.
 * Hetty: He who hesitates... is lost, Dominic. In your line of work... dead.
 * Dom: Uh, "shadows."
 * Hetty: And with the utterance of that single word the cavalry will race to the rescue. Let's hope they don't get caught in traffic.

Keepin' It Real [1.6]

 * Sam: Operators are made, they're not born, G. Skills can be taught.
 * [...]
 * Sam: Teachers learn to be teachers, cops learn to be cops.
 * Callen: Mm-hmm. And somebody taught LeBron how to dunk from the free-throw line.
 * Sam: SEALs learn to be SEALs, G.
 * Callen: Oh, that's right. You couldn't swim when you enlisted, could you? How long did they let you wear the floaties? Look, I will take a lazy natural operator over an all-night studier any day of the week.
 * Sam: [sarcastic] It's too late, I already did it.
 * Callen: Mm-hm.
 * Hetty:, quite the conundrum.
 * Callen: You cannot use the word "conundrum" before 9:30, Hetty.
 * Hetty: 9:31, which means, Mr. Callen, you're late.

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 * Sam: So, do you think Hetty was born or made?
 * Callen: Hatched.

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 * [Dom and Eric looking at busty woman on surveillance video]
 * Dom: Whoa!
 * Eric: Hel-lo!
 * Hetty: If only your vocabularies could be augmented as much. [walks away]
 * Dom: Busted.

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 * [Discussing Agent Giordano]
 * Callen: I don't date law enforcement.
 * Sam: I think you might want to make an exception this time.
 * Callen: Sam, you know the rule, if they've got their own handcuffs, I'm out.

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 * Hetty: Take her out to dinner, after the case is over.
 * Callen: Agent Giordano?
 * Hetty: Hmm... and take Sam the next night, you know how he gets.

Pushback [1.7]

 * Hetty: That phone call is for you, Mr. Callen. Director Vance. [Phone rings]
 * Callen: Callen. Yes, director. Standby. [hangs up] How does she do that?
 * Sam: I don't know, but that's the worst tea I've ever had in my entire life.

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 * Vance: Someone's been watching you Agent Callen. I need to know who. I need to know why. Anything you might have forgotten to tell me about?
 * Callen: Not that would explain this.

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 * [Nate and Kensi are whispering in Hetty's office.]
 * Kensi: Where does she get all this stuff?
 * Nate: None of it's redacted, not a single word.
 * Kensi: What if she's the redactor?
 * Nate: There's a scary thought. Hetty's the cleaning house for every censored government documents released to the public.

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 * Kensi: So how does a former KGB agent end up so wealthy, so fast?
 * Hetty: Because he knows where the bodies are buried. [pauses] Most likely because he's the one who buried them.

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 * Sam: We got a plan?
 * Callen: Yeah, how about we kick in his door and ask him why he's the only one of us that didn't get shot?
 * Sam: I've used that one before, it's a very effective plan.

Ambush [1.8]

 * Vance: [greeting Hetty] Welcome to DC, Henrietta.
 * Hetty: Director Vance, door-to-door service, how out of character.
 * Vance: Well people can change and I owe you one, big time.
 * Hetty: You do, especially for forcing me to leave the children in charge.
 * Vance: How much trouble can they get into in eight hours?

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 * [Phone rings, Eric answers.]
 * Eric: This is Eric.
 * Hetty: It's good to hear you still know who you are.
 * Eric: Ah, Hetty, you having a good time in Washington?
 * Hetty: The last person to have a good time in Washington was General Jubal Early in 1864, he was attacking it at the time.

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 * Callen: [looking at a teenage militia member] You've got to be kidding me. I'm being shot at by a Jonas Brother... And I think I'm about to meet the rest of the family.

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 * [To reach Callen inside the militia camp, Sam lets himself and Callen be captured.]
 * Callen: You wanna explain yourself?
 * Sam: Explain myself? I saved your skinny ass.
 * Callen: Let's see, I had a gun and a hostage before you got here. Now I'm... I'm chained up to a stove with a concussion, that's a nice save.
 * Sam: Ten more seconds, you'd have a dozen new bullet holes in you.
 * Callen: Now what?
 * Sam: I was hoping you had some ideas.
 * Callen: I'm thinking I want my gun and my hostage back.

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 * Callen: You know that was really stupid coming in to get me.
 * Sam: Calling me stupid? You wanted to "Butch Cassidy" me. You wanted to run for it.
 * Callen: Yeah, it wasn't my best idea.
 * Sam: You wanted to "Custer's last stand" me. You want to "Alamo" me.
 * Callen: You going to put that in your little report, with color-coded tabs?
 * Sam: Yeah, tabs marked "Dumb ass idea".
 * Callen: Nice job, Special Agent Hanna.
 * Sam: Aah, you said it. You feel good?
 * Callen: Nah, it cheapens the work.

Random on Purpose [1.9]

 * [Discussing the office remodeling.]
 * Nate: Organization and productivity are directly correlated. Cleanliness is next to... um... efficiency.
 * Kensi: So, you moved our stuff?
 * Nate: I tried to stop her.
 * Callen: Hetty. She's the only one... [Callen pauses as Hetty walks up.]
 * Hetty: Continue, Mr. Callen, continue.
 * Callen: ...With the authority.
 * Hetty: Ah, um, Nate, if your comment that "They might be miffed" constitutes trying to stop me, I suggest you learn more forceful techniques of self-assertion, not that I would have listened.

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 * Vance: I'm sending our top forensics specialist to assist you.
 * Sam: But there are no forensics.
 * Vance: Our forensic expert has a theory about this crime that's, shall we say, original. Thinks McEllon is the victim of a serial killer. No other law enforcement organization in this country thinks this killer even exists. Can't say I do either.
 * Callen: And you're sending this person why?
 * Vance: I was ganged up on. [Vance signals for an end to the video conference.]
 * Callen: Who gangs up on the director of a federal agency?
 * Hetty: Oh, you'd be surprised Mr. Callen.
 * Callen: And who's the expert?
 * Abby: [Off screen] Oops. I think I took a wrong turn. Hello?
 * Eric: Abby? We're in here.
 * Abby: [enters Ops] There you are. Hi. Wow! This place is seriously cool.

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 * Abby: So, I'm sure Leon has told you that I know who killed McEllon.
 * Eric: Wait, you call him Leon?
 * Abby: You don't?
 * Eric: Not successfully.
 * Abby: Give it time.

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 * [Callen and Sam are following a suspect.]
 * Callen: Now is that a casual walking away or is that an 'I see two guys who may be law enforcement' walking away?

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 * [Callen and Sam are discussing options of how to get into a building through the sky light.]
 * Callen: Miami?
 * Sam: No, Miami was half the height and we still got all busted up.
 * Callen: One of us may land soft enough and get the shot.
 * Sam: Yeah, if one of us is Peter Pan.

Brimstone [1.10]

 * [Nate approaches Sam who is working on a bomb at his desk.]
 * Nate: Wow, um... Shouldn't you be working on that somewhere a little more secure?
 * Sam: Like where?
 * Nate: Uh, I don't know a room with armor-plated walls comes to mind.
 * Sam: Light's good in here.
 * Nate: I will buy you a lamp.
 * Sam: King said it was defused. He seemed to know what he was doing. Relax.
 * Nate: The million dollar question is do you know what you're doing?

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 * Hetty: What did you do to your tie?
 * Nate: Oh, I, uh, I spilled something on it.
 * Hetty: Ah.
 * Nate: Yeah. Should I get it dry cleaned?
 * Hetty: Well, that's an option.
 * Nate: Soda water?
 * Hetty: I'd recommend either donation or incineration, not in that order.
 * Nate: You don't like this tie, it... it was a gift.
 * Hetty: Obviously not from a loved one.

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 * Hetty: [to Nate] You know in my experience if you're patient, sooner or later, the people who need to talk will seek you out; often under the guise of some other intention. You just have to listen.

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 * [Hetty gives Nate a new tie after he spilled something on his.]
 * Nate: You think I could pull off a bow tie?
 * Hetty: Not without a red rubber nose and those big floppy shoes.

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 * [Callen, Sam and Kensi return after completing their mission.]
 * Kensi: Looks like Hetty is still here.
 * Sam: She worries.
 * Callen: Not that she'd ever let us know.
 * Hetty: I had some paperwork that needed to be completed before tomorrow, Mr. Callen; some of us take our paperwork seriously.

Breach [1.11]

 * [Callen walks into Hetty's office.]
 * Hetty: I already sent the others upstairs.
 * Callen: Good morning, Hetty.
 * Hetty: Well that's a matter of perspective, Mr. Callen. Uh, I've been doing some accounting and I came across an anomaly in your expenses. This is a fourteen hundred dollar restaurant bill from Matsukisa.
 * Callen: Um-hmm, that's from the Miygomi case.
 * Hetty: You mean it's not a mistake? You actually spent fourteen hundred dollars on raw fish!
 * Callen: Not me, my alias Tony Z did.
 * Hetty: Ah, ah, ah and is Tony Z going to reimburse me?
 * Callen: Well, you'll have to talk to him about that.
 * Hetty: Uh-huh.
 * Callen: Hetty, when I go undercover as a beach bum, I eat at the Kogi truck. When I'm going after high rollers, I've got to hit it a little harder.
 * Hetty: Try ordering soup, player.

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 * [The team opens a refrigerator and a body falls out.]
 * Sam: Well, he's clearly past his expiration date.

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 * [Hetty has just told the team that they have to back off the case-immediately.]
 * Callen: We're putting together a good case here, okay? A big one.
 * Sam: Hetty, Zafari's up to something, we can't stop now.
 * Hetty: This is coming from "on high". When I say "on high", I mean those with the political venom to end the careers of each and every one of us, including Director Vance.
 * Kensi: I can't believe this, all we need is a little more time.
 * Hetty: I know, I know. If I may slip into the vernacular, "It sucks". But when you hear from me again in an hour or so, you will shut this down.

Past Lives [1.12]

 * [The team is discussing possible activities for their group outing.]
 * Kensi: I got it! Cowboy bar on Sunset?
 * Callen: With the mechanical bull?
 * Kensi: Yeah!
 * Callen: No! Hetty plus mechanical bull plus tequila equals bar fight. Trust me I've been there. Dom? Is that a doll?
 * Dom: Uh-huh no, this is one of only five hundred Alpha Centauri Imperial Class Guardians Bobble-heads in the entire world. This is not a doll.
 * Callen: You're playing with an alien doll? At work?

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 * [The team is discussing possible activities for their group outing]
 * Dom: How about Disneyland?
 * Kensi: I hate Disneyland.
 * [Sam walks in.]
 * Callen: Kensi hates Disneyland.
 * Sam: The happiest place on earth.
 * Kensi: I have issues with grown men in furry costumes.
 * [Nate walks in.]
 * Sam: Unless it's Thursday night?
 * Nate: What are we talking about?
 * Dom: Quality time with the team.
 * Callen: Apparently it's been too long since we hung out unless there's a corpse involved.

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 * [Discussing possible activities for the team outing]
 * Nate: Bowling, it's great competition, builds camaraderie and you get to wear those funny shoes.
 * Sam & Callen: [Unison] No bowling!
 * Nate: Okay, what about the cowboy bar on Sunset?
 * [Hetty walks in]
 * Hetty: Oh, that sounds like fun.
 * Sam: They have a mechanical bull, Hetty.
 * Hetty: Oh, no, never mind.

Missing [1.13]

 * [Kensi hands Ty the camera from Dom's car.]
 * Kensi: Ty, could you look at this?
 * Ty: Aw, poor little fellow. Who'd want to shoot you?
 * Kensi: You talk to your computer parts?
 * Ty: Do you talk to your plants when you water 'em?
 * Kensi: Just my orchids, but they can be tricky.

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 * Callen: He hasn't been around long enough to make enemies, Sam.
 * Sam: So what are you saying? It was random?
 * Callen: Maybe. I mean, bad things happen in this town.
 * Sam: Wrong place, wrong time? Come on, G!
 * Callen: He's a kid. Driving down an alley in a bad part of town. It's as good as anything else we got.
 * Sam: Which is a lot of nothing! You know as well as I do, no one gets snatched for nothing.

LD 50 [1.14]

 * Callen: Sam doesn't play well with others and he doesn't like to share his toys.

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 * Callen [To Hetty]: Sam sees the glass as half full. I see it as half empty; that's why we make a good team. Kensi on the other hand just drinks right out of the bottle, Nate wonders why it has to be glass, and Eric usually breaks the glass by putting his feet up on the table.

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 * Callen: Besides, what's the worst thing that could happen?
 * Nate: Oh, I don't know. Let's see. Sam gets made. They kill him. Then you, Kensi and the others storm the place and the Dutchman releases the toxin killing all of you and half of Los Angeles.
 * Callen and Sam: Which half?
 * Nate: I'm going to go brief the Director.

The Bank Job [1.15]

 * [Sam and Callen enter the office and see a box with a snake on the desk.]
 * Sam: Whoa, not cool.
 * Callen: Definitely not cool.
 * Sam: You want me to handle this?
 * Callen: Knock yourself out.
 * Sam: [Examines the box, and pulls out a king cobra]It's stuffed, it's a king cobra, its venom could kill a grown man inside fifteen minutes.
 * Callen: I thought these things were bigger.
 * Sam: Yeah, not so big until he stretched out and locked on to your butt.

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 * Callen: You really have a GSA class six safe in your den?
 * Sam: Told you, I have to keep my valuables safe.
 * Callen: What valuables?
 * Sam: [laughs] I have a mint condition Patrick Ewing rookie card, a football signed by the 1986 New York Giants and the entire run of the Silver Surfer comic book series. Plus, a couple of tickets for the Lakers-Knicks tomorrow night. And they're both spoken for.
 * Callen: What else?
 * Sam: What do you mean, what else? Why does there have to be a what else?
 * Callen: Because that was way too easy. [Sam laughs] And because that is your 'I'm hiding something' laugh.
 * Sam: There is nothing else.
 * Callen: There is definitely something else.
 * Sam: [pulling up in front of a suspect's house] We're here.
 * Callen: That can't be it.
 * Sam: Conversation's over.
 * Callen: Is this a Navy Seal thing?
 * Sam: I'll show you a Navy Seal thing. [They get out of the car]
 * Callen: I'm waiting.
 * Sam: I have a Michael Jackson glove, from the Bad tour in '87. He threw it out in the front row of the Madison Square Garden show.
 * Callen: One of those white gloves?
 * Sam: He was the King of Pop, G.
 * Callen: Yeah. With the sequins?
 * Sam: The King of Pop.
 * Callen: Why was it just the one glove and not two?
 * Sam: If you have to ask, you just don't get it.

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 * [Eric is discussing the planned bank heist]
 * Sam: Then why pay a heist crew? Why not hire a hacker?
 * Eric: Because banks have unique security protocols for funds frozen by the FBI. You have to have physical access to the actual terminal to move the money.
 * Callen: But that's never stopped you before.
 * Eric: Well, most hackers don't have access to the toys that I do. I can make us all very wealthy in about two minutes. [Sam & Callen stare at him] I mean if you wanted me to. [They keep staring] Not that you would want me to, not that I would want to. I'm just saying... you know.

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 * [The team discusses using Kensi to flirt with the bank's inside man]
 * Kensi: Am I the only one who wonders why there's a suspect in every case who happens to be a bachelor?
 * Nate: Well, seeing as how criminals tend to be males with anti-social proclivities...
 * Kensi: And also wonders why that always seems to be the vector that we go after first?
 * Hetty: The lowest hanging fruit is the easiest to pick, Agent Blye.

Chinatown [1.16]

 * Sam: You don't have a TV, you don't read the newspaper, you clearly don't spend any time getting ready.
 * Callen: Well, maybe I was working out.
 * Sam: Heh, you don't work out.
 * Callen: I run.
 * Sam: Yeah, when people are shooting at us!
 * Callen: Mm-hmm. Alright, you know what? I slept in.
 * Sam: With who? You barely sleep.
 * Callen: There's nobody.
 * Sam: Come on, I think it would be great for you to be in a relationship.
 * Callen: Sam, how many times are we going to have this conversation- you are my partner not my mother.
 * Sam: (makes a womans voice) I just want you to be happy and find a good girl.

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 * Sam: What are the chances this isn't a suicide?
 * Eric: I'd say zero percent.
 * Callen: What do you know that we don't?
 * Eric: Mmmmm... The words to every TV theme song?

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 * [Hetty walks in on an injured Callen and Sam]
 * Hetty: I see that the ice and aspirin club is at it again. Every time I come here, I feel like I've stepped into a damn Hardy Boys novel. I gather that you couldn't talk your way out of this one?
 * Callen: Yeah, we had a little bit of a language barrier.
 * Sam: And a 'I want you dead' barrier.

Full Throttle [1.17]

 * Eric: [on a segway] I'm a firm believer that what you drive reflects who you are.
 * Sam: [chuckles] Exactly.
 * Eric: Whatever.
 * Sam: [looking at Callen] The way you drive.

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 * Nate: What Admin Division is encrypted?
 * Sam: The ones used to cover something confidential.

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 * Sam: Take Kensi. [Everyone looks at Sam] Yeah, you heard me. I know you're taking PCH. I'm not sitting in traffic. So, I'll find out everything I can about Yeoman Rush. You two suck exhaust for the next two hours.
 * Callen: You suit yourself. Come on Kens. Hey, what do you say we, uh, stop for some donuts?
 * Kensi: I love donuts.
 * Sam: You didn't say anything about donuts!

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 * Sam: You gotta admire their spirit. One tragedy after another, and they just keep moving on.
 * Kensi: You have to otherwise, it eats you alive.

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 * Omar Alvarez: Hey, what about me, huh? I-I got radiation poisoning. Come - come on. I-I need medical attention.
 * Sam: Hey, hey, hey. I'm gonna give you two of these, okay? This will help you. [Drops two pills in Omar's mouth.] Alright, better?
 * Omar Alvarez: Hey man! These are breath mints!
 * Sam: Never underestimate the importance of good oral hygiene.

Blood Brothers [1.18]

 * [Sam and Callen enter the office, Sam finds a Chinese spear and begins playing with it.]
 * Callen: Do I have to remind you of the nunchuk incident? You get hurt; you're driving yourself to the ER. That's all I'm saying.

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 * Hetty: Wushu is the Chinese martial art with 18 arms or weapons. I prefer the steel whip or the meteor hammer, but you have to stay in practise with all of them.
 * Callen: No doubt. I mean, you never know when a horde of murderous Mongols are gonna come galloping over Laurel Canyon.
 * Eric: [blows a whistle from the balcony to the rest of the team] All hands on deck.
 * Callen: [to Hetty] You gave him a whistle?
 * Hetty: Oh, do I look as if I've gone daft? I'd sooner give a chain saw to a spider monkey. At least I took his Segway away. I'll speak to Mr. Beale.
 * Sam: Sooner than later, okay. Because the next time he toots that thing, he won't be using his lips.

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 * Callen: You want to be briefed on this?
 * Hetty: I don't know. Do I?
 * Callen: I can run it by Director Vance, if you prefer.
 * Hetty: Oh Lord, no. One of the reasons I'm here is to protect him as a designated fall guy. 'I had no previous knowledge of the operation, Mister Secretary. That mad woman went off her rocker and acted autonomously.'
 * Callen: You're the first line of defense?
 * Hetty: Yeah, you gotta get by me first.

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 * Hetty: Go with God, Mister Callen or whoever it is who watches over you.
 * Callen: I have a guardian angel. She's tiny, but very tough.

Hand to Hand [1.19]

 * [Deeks is undercover for the LAPD and Kensi for the NCIS but they don't know the real identity of the other.]
 * Kensi: I emailed him some photos, private photos.
 * Deeks: You mean like the two of you watching the sunset at Santa Monica Pier or the kind where you're not wearing anything but a smile?
 * Kensi: Certain kind of person finds photos like that, they end up on the Internet.
 * Deeks: Wow. So definitely, uh, x-rated then, huh? Nobody under 17 admitted? Well played.

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 * [Hetty asks Deeks to be the liaison between NCIS and LAPD and hands him a file.]
 * Deeks: Hmm... Who are you guys?... I mean... I mean... H-how did you get all this information?... I mean the only thing missing here is... (She hands him a pen)
 * Hetty: No need to date it.

Fame [1.20]

 * Hetty: $50,000 limit. However, if more than $5000 is charged to this card, I will come for you with my letter opener. Is that clear, Mr. Deeks?
 * Deeks: Got it. Wait, what? You want me to sign this? Cause it's Cal - it's Callen's card.
 * Hetty: And you're the guarantor.

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 * [Kensi and Deeks talking through their earpieces]
 * Deeks: I'm gonna call you Fern, okay?
 * Kensi: Don't you dare call me Fern!
 * [Deeks walking toward Kensi]
 * Deeks: [Loudly] Fern! Baby girl. Hoo. It's been a long time.

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 * Callen: I'm supposed to look like I can spend 50 and you're on the hook after five?
 * Deeks: She threatened me with a letter opener!
 * Callen: I guess some people gotta learn the hard way.
 * Deeks: Why? What are you-?
 * Callen: [Loudly to a waitress] We'll take two more bottles.

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 * Deeks: Oh, come on. What? You got some sort of Superman double back flip where you can dodge bullets? I mean you can't tell me I shouldn't have taken that shot.
 * Callen: No. I'm glad you did.

Found [1.21]

 * [Eric is frustrated trying to get information from a wet computer]
 * Hetty: You know I despise your wardrobe, particularly those flip-flops, not to mention your surfboard leaning preciously close to my car. The sand you track into the OPS center or the millions of dollars of top-secret technology you use to play your frivolous video games.
 * Eric: I only left my surfboard near you car once... twice. I don't do it anymore.
 * Hetty: But I tolerate it all, for the most part. And, do you know why, Mr. Beale?
 * Eric: My playful kitten-like personality? I don't know why I just said that. I make jokes when I'm nervous... use humor as a defense mechanism. It's a bad habit. I don't even know why I'm still talking.
 * Hetty: I tolerate it because you are unequalled at what you do. I am the way I am because I demand the best. This is an elite unit whose unparalleled success rests on the superior skills of those who work here. And that's why I know that if anyone can fix this, it is you.

Hunted [1.22]

 * Callen: You okay?
 * Eric: I'm not comfortable with authority figures. It's why I do what I do, computers don't talk back. Well, I mean technically they can, but even then I can manipulate the voice to make it soothing, if I want. Sexy, even.
 * Callen: Too much information!

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 * Callen: Agents Callen and Hanna, NCIS.
 * Major Medina: Major Rick Medina, Army CID out of Washington. I just got an earful from my boss, who got an earful from your boss. Meaning I'm already prone not to like you guys.
 * Sam: I'm not feeling a lot of love for you right now either.

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 * Callen: Eric, let me talk to Vance.
 * Vance: Vance.
 * Callen: Has Army CID been briefed on this op?
 * Vance: In the interests of joint operational intelligence, yes, they have. I told Major Medina that Keshwar was being held on a Turkish ship.
 * Callen: Well, he beat us to it. Medina just took Keshwar into custody.
 * Vance: Callen, I didn't say which ship. Medina never gave me the chance. He hung up before I could tell him.

Burned [1.23]

 * Eric: This is traffic cam footage pulled from that intersection approximately 15 minutes ago.
 * Kensi: I'll call Deeks. Make sure LAPD knows we'll be handling this discreetly.
 * Sam: Eric, pull up everything you've got about this guy.
 * Eric: According to initial reports, the dead man's name was Michael St. Paris. No criminal record. Employed by North Gate Elite Security. They're a private investigation firm specialising in surveillance work.
 * Sam: He was running a tail. G caught him, so St. Paris bolted. I'll call North Gate and see who hired him.
 * Eric: Callen left the crash scene almost immediately. He must have stuck to blind spots and moved fast because no cameras got him. Also, his phone went dead right after he sent that alert to Hetty. Off the grid.
 * Kensi: Could this have anything to do with Agent Macy's murder in Annapolis?
 * Hetty: No. It's unrelated.
 * Nate: What's Callen going to do now?
 * Hetty: What he does best. Become a ghost.
 * Sam: Um, so we can't find him?
 * Hetty: Not until he's ready to be found.

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 * Hetty: Mr. Callen, is this your third cell phone of the day?
 * Callen: I'm keeping receipts.

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 * Callen: What happened to protocol?
 * Hetty: It went out the proverbial damn window. I've been thinking a great deal about your situation. Nate has misgivings about your state of mind.
 * Callen: Well, he's going to have to get in line.
 * Hetty: During this crisis, he thought he should have a gun.
 * Callen: You didn't?
 * Hetty: Perish the thought.

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 * Callen: Eric, I need you to bring our servers back online. I want you to re-activate the computer virus that Keelson introduced to our system.
 * Eric: Are you serious?
 * Callen: Very.
 * Eric: You're asking me to commit technological malpractice.

Callen, G [1.24]

 * Callen: [Seeing a box with his name on it] See if they've got one on you, or Hetty.
 * Sam: [Long pause as Sam searches] Nothing on me. Two boxes on Hetty.

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 * Hetty: [after sharpening her pencil] I much prefer a good HB to a Bic. Press firmly enough and people don't have to read between the lines to get the message. The answer is no, Mr. Callen.
 * Callen: Hetty, you don't even know what the question is.
 * Hetty: It's no to all of them. Is there any mention of this in your classified file? No. Was I aware you had a relative? No. Am I surprised? No. Should you stay on this case? Definitely, no.

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 * Hetty: The agent's name is Trent Kort... Sam and Kensi, boathouse in half an hour. [Hetty leaves]
 * Sam: [to Callen] She knows. You can't go. [Callen sighs, then starts to leave] Where you goin'?
 * Callen: Shoot someone.

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 * Kort: I'm rather fond of Los Angeles. [Looks at Kensi] Maybe I'll put in for a transfer.
 * Sam: I hope not.