NCIS (season 3)

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Part 1 (3.1)

 * [Gibbs is at his desk and has a vision of Kate]
 * Kate: Why me, Gibbs? Wasn't stopping one bullet enough for you? Why did I have to take two?
 * Gibbs: I-I don't know.
 * Kate: You don't know? Come on, Gibbs, what's that famous gut tell you? Why did I die instead of you?


 * Tony: That's a first.
 * McGee: He called me "Tim."
 * Tony: Patted my back.
 * McGee: It was kind of nice.
 * Tony: Nice? I don't want nice! It's not Gibbs if he's nice!


 * (Abby is sitting in her lab looking at a picture Kate drew of her. Kate appears in gothic clothing)
 * Kate: You're a mess, girl. Red eyes, no makeup. If ever there was a time for black lipstick, it's now.
 * (Abby begins applying lipstick)
 * Kate: Remember when we first met? I couldn't believe you were a Forensic Scientist! I always thought goths had bats for pets, or vice-versa.
 * Abby: I really liked you, Kate. A lot.
 * Kate: Don't start that again. Wear your pigtails, I love you in pigtails!
 * (Abby pulls her hair back into pigtails)
 * Kate: That's better. You were persistent, Abs. First the black lipstick, then the black nail-polish. Next thing you know, I have a tat on my bum.
 * (Abby giggles)
 * Kate: Oh God... Ducky's gonna see it! I'm dead, and I'm embarrassed!
 * (Both laugh, Kate's voice fades away, Abby continues laughing.)


 * Abby: What can I do for you?... What?
 * Tony: You're weirder than Gibbs.
 * Abby: How so?
 * Tony: He's being nice.
 * Abby: Gibbs is always nice.
 * Tony: To you and Ducky, maybe; me, he growls at and smacks on the head.
 * Abby: Which makes you feel wanted.
 * Tony: Yeah!


 * [Tony is protecting Abby from gunfire]
 * Tony: (lying on top of Abby) Are you hit?
 * Abby: (gasping) No... You're heavy!
 * Tony: Sorry.
 * Abby: (feeling his leg) My god, no wonder you're so heavy, Tony, you're all muscle!
 * Tony: Abby, shhh!!
 * Abby: You're packing a nice booty too!
 * Tony: Hey! Is this how you deal with getting shot at?
 * Abby: I don't know, it's my first time.


 * Kate: I appreciate your keeping me covered in front of the others, especially Tony.
 * Ducky: Yes, I know how modest you are.
 * Kate: Were. I'm dead now, Ducky. Shouldn't be. Could have killed Ari right here in autopsy.
 * Ducky: Why did you hesitate?
 * Kate: His eyes. There was something in his eyes that made me not want to kill him.
 * Ducky: His eyes were ice to me.


 * (Gibbs and Ducky are in autopsy talking about Ari)
 * Ducky: One has to wonder what made him such a sadist.
 * Gibbs: I don't give a damn! I just want to kill the bastard!


 * Abby: Hey McGee, take a look at this. I think it's a 308. Stop staring at my butt and get me an evidence jar!


 * Jen: Hello Jethro! (Gibbs pictures the two of them having sex in Paris) Shall we skip the "You-havn't-changed-a-bit" bull?
 * Gibbs: Why start lying to each other now Jen?
 * Jen: Any problem taking orders from me?
 * Gibbs: As Director or as a woman?
 * Jen: Either.


 * Jen: (firmly) Special Agent Gibbs! (he turns around and walks to her) On the job...it is Director Shepeard or Ma'am!
 * Gibbs: Okay. What about off the job?
 * Jen: There won't be any "off the job", Agent Gibbs!
 * Gibbs: That's too bad.(meaning he still loves her) I missed you, Jen!
 * Jen: (her cheeks flushed) Don't make this difficult, Jethro!
 * Gibbs: Fair enough. It won't happen again, Director.
 * Jen: (walks in front of him) We can continue this conversation in private.
 * Gibbs: (flirting) I've gotta change my clothes. We can talk in my car on the way to the house.
 * Jen: (warning him) Gibbs!
 * Gibbs: Hey! I've got a dead agent and a sniper on the loose, I do not have ten minutes to spare!


 * Kate: Your mother should have washed your mind out with soap! Gibbs leaves with a woman. And your only thought is: Nooner!
 * Tony: Was not!
 * Kate: (chuckles) Was too! I've always known what you were thinking, Tony! (pauses when she sees his face) What? What are you up too? (gasps as she sees her outfit) Tony, I just died, and you're having a sexual fantasy?
 * Tony: (exhales erotically) I can't help it!
 * Kate: (pushes her skirt down as Tony blows it up to see her knickers) DiNozzo!
 * Tony: (admits his feelings) Sometimes I used to picture you naked!
 * Kate: (screams)


 * Jen: This the same boat you were building six years ago?
 * Gibbs: Nope!
 * Jen: What happened to it?
 * Gibbs: I burned her!
 * Jen: Why would you...you named it after an ex-wife?
 * Gibbs: Lets go!
 * Jen: Which one?
 * Gibbs: You know damn well "which one"!
 * Jen: Why didn't you just change the name?
 * Gibbs: Because it wouldn't matter! Every time I went out on her I'd think of Diane!
 * Jen: You could have sold it!
 * Gibbs: And watch some other guy sail off on her?
 * Jen: (meaning sex) You didn't care who sailed off on Diane! Leroy Jethro Gibbs. You are a strange man!
 * Gibbs: Me? (scoffs) You were a good agent Jen!
 * Jen: Were?
 * Gibbs: Yeah! Director's job is pure politics!
 * Jen: I'm good at politics! NCIS needs someone who can shake the money tree on the hill AND work with sister agencies!
 * Gibbs: Wait! You won't call a boat a 'She'...but it's 'Sister Agencies'?
 * Jen: I'm a schitzoid libber! Comes from working with chauvanists like you!
 * Gibbs: I can't believe you'd give up field work for rubber chicken dinners!
 * Jen: I don't think they serve that dish at Palena!
 * Gibbs: Never heard of it!
 * Jen: Why would you? IT isn't take out!
 * Gibbs: So which of the tight sphincters is taking you out? Please tell me "it's not Fornell"!
 * Jen: CBS Early Show. They want coverage before I go on T.V!
 * Gibbs: No! Jen you can't do that!
 * Jen: Excuse me?
 * Gibbs: Ari is a chauvanist! He's taking the lives of the women I work with before me! So please...don't take that interview!
 * Jen: I'll see if I can postpone it a few days!
 * Gibbs: Thank you!


 * McGee: You were my sweet superhero Kate.
 * (Kate flies over him in a leather costume)
 * Kate: (chuckles) You're a naughty boy Timmy.
 * McGee: Oh my God, I'm becoming Tony.
 * (Kate chuckles and changes costume to scantily clad)
 * McGee: Oh wow.


 * Gibbs: I want you on Ziva's ass.
 * Tony: She's not really my type boss.
 * (Gibbs slaps the back of head)
 * Gibbs: To tail her.
 * Tony: I knew that.


 * Tony: Can you tell me what gun he used?
 * Abby: A 308!
 * Tony: What model 308?
 * Abby: You don't know?
 * Tony: Would I be asking?
 * Abby: Well how am I supposed to know?
 * Tony: Because you're the firearms expert!
 * Abby: That I am! And when I am done I will tell you the propellant, the primer, the percentage of nickle and copper in the brass, whether all three rounds were fired from the same weapon: which you assume but I can prove or disprove, I will tell you who manufactured the ammo, the batch number and perhaps where it was sold! And with some degree of accuracy I can tell you if it was fired from a lever action, a bolt action, a semi automatic or an automatic weapon! However: I cannot tell you which of the 87 different 308 models fired those rounds!
 * Tony: Lapua!
 * Abby: What?
 * Tony: Lapua made the ammo! Logo's on the rim!
 * Abby: Tony I'm gonna miss her!

Part 2 (3.2)

 * Abby: For no-one leaving the building, there are a lot of people leaving the building.


 * Kate: Why don't you visualize her naked? Does she intimidate you?
 * Tony: A woman hasn't been born yet who can intimidate Anthony DiNozzo.
 * Kate: You're forgetting your mother.
 * Tony: Mothers don't count.
 * Kate: And that lawyer. Marla?
 * Tony: Divorce attorney. Worse than mothers.
 * Kate: Well, Ziva's not your mother. She's not a divorce lawyer. She definitely intimidates you.
 * Tony: Does not.
 * Kate: Does too.
 * Tony: Does not.
 * Kate: Does too.


 * Gerald: I've never driven a stick.
 * Abby: Are you serious?
 * McGee: What, you can drive a stick?
 * Abby: Yeah, since I was like ten.
 * Gerald: What were you driving when you were ten?
 * Abby: A red '47 Ford half-ton pickup with four on the floor and Bubba riding shotgun.
 * McGee: Bubba?
 * Abby: Best damn coon dog in Jefferson Parish.

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 * Gibbs: From now on, we're going to use phonetics like we did in the Corps.
 * Abby: Golf India Bravo Bravo Sierra?
 * Gibbs: What is it, Abs?
 * Abby: Can I please go back to my lab? I'm flipping out up here with nothing to do.
 * Gibbs: Okay, but don't leave the --
 * Abby: Don't leave the building. I know. Bravo Yankee Echo.

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 * Tony: How long have you known I was --
 * Ziva: Following me? Since I left the Navy Yard.
 * Tony: I don't think so.
 * Ziva: Blue sedan. You laid behind a white station wagon for a while, then a telephone van. You lost me at the traffic circle on --
 * Tony: Okay, okay. You knew.
 * Ziva: [handing him a cup of coffee] Take it. It's chilly out here. You shouldn't feel bad. I was trained by the best.
 * Tony: You know, that's what I like about Mossad.
 * Ziva: Our training?
 * Tony: Modesty.

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 * Tony: [after Ziva tells him about her sister's death] Is that why you joined Mossad?
 * Ziva: I was Mossad long before Tali's death. Old...
 * Tony: Family tradition?
 * Ziva: Israeli sense of duty.
 * Tony: So come on. Who recruited you? Father? Uncle? Brother? Boyfriend?
 * Ziva: Aunt. Sister. Lesbian lover.

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 * Jen: I can't believe it.
 * Gibbs: What?
 * Jen: I'm Director of NCIS less than 24hrs and I'm back on the street!
 * Gibbs: (smiles) Great isn't it!?
 * Jen: No Jethro! It isn't!
 * Gibbs: (flirting) Come on. Come on. You love it!
 * Jen: Truthfully? I'd rather be in bed! (Gibbs looks at her surprised then she notices the look and adds quickly) Sleeping.
 * Gibbs: Do you remember that stakeout in Marseilles? August, stuck in that attic with no-one. Photographing everyone that boarded that Lebanese trawler. (she looks away from him knowing what comes next in his recollection)That second night was the first time we...
 * Jen: (cutting him off, blushing) Okay! (She covers his mouth the whispers embarrased) Shut up!

Mind Games [3.3]

 * Paula: A whole week of TDA with Gibbs. I can smell the fun already.
 * McGee: It's been a tough month.
 * Tony: Right now he pretty much hates everyone, Paula. Including himself.

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 * Tony: Well, that's nice. You know what's even nicer? My current view [looks down Paula's blouse] Victoria's Secret? Agent Cassidy.
 * Paula: Well you enjoy it as long as you can Agent DiNozzo [Gibbs walks up behind her and Tony sees him and shys away] Cuz that's as close as you're gonna get.
 * Gibbs: Cassidy, check Boone's security detail.
 * Paula: You got it.
 * [Paula leaves]
 * Tony: I'll give her a hand with that. [gets up]
 * Gibbs: Wait.
 * [Paula enters the elevator, the door closes and Gibbs headslaps Tony]
 * Tony: What was that for?!
 * Gibbs: Letting her get to you!
 * Tony: Boss, I was not letting her get to- Won't let it happen again.

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 * Abby: I'm pregnant, McGee. Twins. Haven't told the father yet. It's Gibbs. I know it's wrong, but there's something about his silver hair that gets me all tingly inside.
 * Tony: Excuse me for a sec, I think I'm going to vomit.
 * Abby: I'm joking, Tony. Except for the part about Gibbs's hair. That is really hot. McGee's ignoring me again!
 * Tony: Easily fixable. [slaps McGee on the back of the head]
 * McGee: Ow! What'd I do?
 * Tony: Don't ignore Abby; she's sensitive.

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 * Boone: He's carving your name on her back right now.
 * Gibbs: Game's over. Back to the death row.
 * Boone: Gibbs! Gibbs! The governor call yet? 'Cause they're not gonna kill me now. I'm the only one who can identify the killer. Hey, you think she screamed when he cut out her tongue, Jethro?
 * Gibbs: I don't know. Why don't you ask her yourself?
 * [A battered but clearly alive Paula Cassidy enters the corridor and Boone's eyes widen.]
 * Paula: I'm afraid your lawyer's gonna miss your execution tomorrow.
 * Tony: He's kinda dead.
 * [Boone is speechless.]
 * Gibbs: Enjoy hell.
 * Boone: [as he is being dragged away] NO! NO! NOOOO!

Silver War [3.4]

 * Ziva: You might want to do something about your hair... it's sticking up like a porcuswine... no, thats not the word... a porcu... pig? (Tony gives her a funny look as McGee comes in) The little animal with the little spikies!?
 * McGee: Porcupine?
 * Ziva: 'Porcupine'! Thank you, Special Agent McGee.

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 * Ziva: I stand corrected. It appears he didn't know. [muttered] I feel like a donkey's butt.
 * McGee: A donkey's butt?
 * Tony: I think she meant horse's ass, McGee.
 * Ziva: Yes, that too.

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 * Tony: You want something to read?
 * Ziva: What do you have?
 * Tony: [pulls out a magazine] GSM. It's a men's magazine. Most women find it objectifies them.
 * Ziva: [pulls out same magazine in Hebrew] I read it on the plane. I especially liked the article on page 57. In my experience, it works every time.
 * Tony: [checks his copy] I-I always thought that was an urban legend.

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 * Gibbs: I trust you, you know that, but when we leave this elevator..
 * Ziva: You start kicking my butt.
 * Gibbs: I don't kick butt. (turns elevator back on and head slaps Ziva, they both laugh)

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 * Gibbs: You're coming along, strictly as an observer. Hand over all your weapons.
 * Ziva: Is that really necessary? Alright.
 * [Gibbs just looks at her. Ziva removes her sidearm and gives it to him.]
 * Gibbs: And your back-up.
 * Ziva: What back-up?
 * Gibbs: Left leg.
 * Ziva: Oh. That one. [removes ankle holster]
 * Gibbs: And the knife concealed at your waist. [Ziva removes the knife and hands it to him as well; Gibbs gives it back] You keep this. [quietly, in Ziva's ear] I just wanted you to know that I know.

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 * Ducky: Oh, she's more than nice, but how do you tell a woman that you have absolutely no mental recollection of her whatsoever?
 * Palmer: I suppose one could always lie.
 * Ducky: Have you been spending time with Agent DiNozzo again?

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 * Ziva: (facing the monitor) A marine dressed in civil war uniform is shot by a musket and is then buried alive in a 230 year old casket (turns to face to Tony and McGee who are stuffing their faces) and you're telling me this isn't your strangest case?
 * Tony: (with his mouth full) Yep!
 * McGee: (with his mouth full) Pretty much!
 * Ziva: I don't know which is more disturbing! Your eating habits or the fact that I believe you!
 * Tony: I'm sorry! Do our strange American foods frighten you?
 * McGee: (laughs)
 * Ziva: Not at all, I was referring to your manners! You should have bought me one! (leans over and takes a bit of Tony's wrap) Mm!
 * McGee: (hurriedly) I'm gonna go help Abby!
 * Tony: (passes his wrap to her and spits out his unswallowed mouthful)
 * [Gibbs and Jenny are watching Tony and Ziva from the above squad room]
 * Jenny: She seems to be fitting in well.
 * Gibbs: She almost killed my entire team yesterday.
 * Jenny: How?
 * Gibbs: Driving home from a crime scene.
 * Jenny: I should have warned you. I think she was an Eastern European cab driver in a past life.

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 * Abby: McGee, never forget. I am one of few people, in the world, who can murder you and leave no forensic evidence.

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 * [Gibbs and Tony arrive to find Ziva standing over two restrained suspects and a woman with a knife in her chest]
 * Tony: Remind me not to piss her off.
 * Gibbs: Oh, DiNozzo, you have no idea.

Switch [3.5]

 * [The team arrives at the scene, a police officer greets Tony]
 * Officer: Special Agent Gibbs?
 * Tony: Uh, no... he's the older gentleman with the smile on his face.
 * [Chuckles and points to a stern-faced Gibbs who is briskly walking past them to the crime scene]

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 * Tony: [to McGee, as they work the crime scene] If it's any consolation, probie, I had my identity stolen once.
 * McGee: Really?
 * Tony: I had a charge on my Visa for a vintage Barbie doll. 'Career-girl' outfit?
 * McGee: Ooh, with the matching briefcase and pumps?
 * [Tony slowly gives him a stare]
 * McGee: [falters] Oh, well, um... I-- I had a-- a girlfriend who collected once. We used to... line them up on...
 * Tony: I lost respect for you at the word... "pumps". Get back to work...

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 * [crime scene is a car crash below a very steep slope, and Ducky calls to the agents to come down and help find a bullet]
 * McGee: [exchanges uneasy looks with Tony] Well... as, you've pointed out many times, I'm-- I'm just a junior field agent.
 * Tony: All the more reason you need the experience, probie.
 * McGee: How about if I follow in your footsteps... you lead the way?
 * Tony: How about if you kiss my experienced buttocks?

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 * Ziva: Just to be clear, are there any more of these rules I should be aware of?
 * Gibbs: About fifty of them.
 * Ziva: And I don't suppose they're written down anywhere that I could--
 * Gibbs: No.
 * Ziva: Then how am I supposed to--
 * Gibbs: My job is to teach them to you!

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 * McGee: She's right Tony, look at Lee Harvey Oswold, Sirhan Sirhan.
 * Tony: That's original McGee, is there any part of your brain that's your own?
 * McGee: At least I have one Tony.
 * Tony: What's that supposed to mean?

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 * [searching a Naval officer's house]
 * Tony: [gasps] It can't be! Do you realize what we have here?
 * Ziva: Another ugly shirt?
 * Tony: This is an authentic "Magnum, P.I." Jungle Bird design! 100% cotton, bamboo buttons, "Made in Hawaii" label! Come on, this is the Holy Grail of Aloha garments!
 * McGee: That's great.
 * Tony: Eight seasons Magnum wore this shirt, putting up with Higgins and those stupid dogs. [imitating Higgins] "Zeus! Apollo!"
 * [N.B. Series creator Donald Bellasario also created and executive-produced "Magnum, P.I."]

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 * [searching a Naval officer's house]
 * Ziva: Once he saw us at Norfolk, he must have taken a kite.
 * Tony: Hike. The expression is taking a hike.
 * McGee: She may have had it confused with “go fly a kite.”
 * Ziva: I speak five languages, forgive me if I get confused, sometimes. I found his bank book.
 * Tony: Check book.
 * Ziva: Whatever you call it. His deposits seem high.
 * Tony: Where you come from, they may seem high but here in the good ol’ U.S. of A... [sees the checkbook] These are really, really high.
 * [A sound is heard elsewhere in the house. All three of them draw their guns.]
 * Ziva: I think it’s the-
 * Tony: Shh!
 * [They walk to the kitchen and open the cupboard, a marmoset shrieks, Tony jumps]
 * Tony: It’s a...
 * Ziva: It’s a marmoset.
 * McGee: Actually, that’s a capuchin.

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 * Abby: I have some good news and some bad news. Good news: I'm still cute. Bad news: The bomb squad got a little trigger-happy. [holds up bag of bomb fragments]
 * Gibbs: They blew up the box.
 * Abby: Do you have any idea what's beyond "smithereens"?
 * Gibbs: Not a clue.
 * Abby: Neither do I.
 * [A moment later, Ziva catches up to annoyed Abby in elevator]
 * Abby: Are you going home?
 * Ziva: Not yet. I thought I might be able to help you with... [gestures to evidence] ...that.
 * Abby: [scathingly] Do you have a degree in forensic science?
 * Ziva: No, but I'm very good at jigsaw puzzles.
 * Abby: [softening a bit] We'll see.

The Voyeur's Web [3.6]

 * Ziva: Don't be embarrassed Tony, I find the taste of honeydust to be extremely erotic.
 * Tony: What a coincidence, so do I.
 * Gibbs: (head slaps Tony) I don't.

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 * Ziva: Where did all these people come from?
 * Tony: Didn't you see the signs? It's yard sale day.
 * Ziva: I see. And do Marines sell their yards often?
 * McGee: No. It's actually when people gather stuff they don't want anymore and sell them in their yards.
 * Ziva: Why would anybody want to buy somebody else's junk?
 * Tony: One man's junk is another man's treasure.
 * Ziva: In Israel we have a saying: "zevel, zeh zevel". [Tony and McGee look at Ziva, confused] "Crap is crap."

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 * Ziva: Which proves what I've long suspected - despite the conservative image, Americans really love their porn.

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 * Ziva: You really believe this is an obsessed voyeur? The women identity's were protected by masks.
 * Gibbs: Half a mask.
 * Ziva: Still, the odds of finding him off a list that size...
 * Gibbs: Are better than the odds of you winning this argument.

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 * Gibbs: What do you have Abs?
 * Abby: A PhD in porn. I spent the last six hours searching through webcam files trying to find some kind of lead and I have consumed more porn than Tony has in his lifetime. OK maybe not, but I have watched a lot of smut.
 * Gibbs: You learn anything?
 * Abby: I'm not nearly as flexible as I should be.
 * Gibbs: Anything about the case?

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 * Ziva: Are you sure these are corpse-smelling dogs?
 * Tony: Of course. That's why they're alerting to McGee. He's been a dead man since yesterday.

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 * Ziva: How did you end up here, McGee?
 * McGee: Well, I rode in the back of the van you may have noticed my screaming as Tony ran that light.
 * Ziva: Not here here, at NCIS. I know Tony's story, what's yours?
 * McGee: You want the long version or the short version?
 * Tony: Oh, there's only one version. McGee showed up on our doorstep like a little lost.
 * McGee: That is not true Ziva!
 * Tony: No, you're right. It was more like a St Bernard.

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 * Tony: Hey, quit feeling sorry for yourself. Do what you do best.
 * McGee: What, you mean screwing up?
 * Tony: No, finding answers when no one else can.
 * Ziva: That was nice of you.
 * Tony: Never kick a probie when he's down, Ziva.
 * Ziva: I thought the expression was "dog."
 * Tony: Same difference.

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 * Abby: Guess it was worth it then.
 * McGee: Worth what?
 * Abby: Watching over twenty hours of porn with Chip.

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 * Tony: Okay, this guy isn't smart enough to cover his tracks.
 * McGee: He's doing pretty well so far.
 * Tony: He does online auctions from his laptop. Super collectibles.
 * Ziva: Ultra collectibles and auctions dot com. Can we trace him?
 * McGee: If we can pinpoint some of his items. Do you know what he sells?
 * Tony: stuff.
 * McGee: That narrows it down to like 50 million people.
 * Tony: Uh, some kind of figurine. There's only three of them?
 * McGee: Yoda? C-3PO? Stormtrooper?
 * Ziva: Wookiee. It is a special edition prototype from 1978. It comes equipped with an ammo belt. There are only 3 in existence.
 * McGee: You're a Star Wars junkie, huh?
 * Ziva: Not especially.
 * Tony: She has a photographic memory, Probie, not a social disorder.

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 * Tony: If things get hairy, just follow my lead. (sees some cheerleaders) What's happening ladies?
 * Ziva: I don't need a babysitter, Tony, I have been in hundreds of these situations.
 * Tony: Never with me. As far as I'm concerned, you're a probie.
 * Ziva: I've never had sex with you either, does that mean I'm a virgin?

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 * Abby: What's the matter, Chip? Don't like watchin' porn with me?
 * Chip: I don't really watch explicit material with my peers, ma'am, uh, I don't really watch it at all.
 * Abby: Not buying it, Chip.
 * Chip: And why is that?
 * Abby: Two reasons. One, you're male, and two, you're breathing!

Honor Code [3.7]

 * Ziva: The boy has remarkable memory. There’s also someone here from Social Security to pick him up.
 * Gibbs: Services, Ziva. Social Security is for older people.
 * Ziva: Noted.

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 * Tony: New hires just keep getting younger, eh Madam Director?
 * Jen: (smiling) Obviously you didn't get the memo, Agent Dinozzo!
 * Tony: (confused as he keeps up with all memos and emails) What memo?
 * Ziva: The one where it explains the next person to call her "Madam" gets keelhauled, what ever that is.
 * Tony: (grimacing) It's... uh (struggles to think of how to describe it)
 * Jen: Unpleasant!

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 * Jen: Always admired your way with children. Ever think to having any of your own?
 * Gibbs: That an offer, Jen?
 * Jen: No it wasn't an offer Jethro, it was merely an observation!

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 * Gibbs: Abs, give me good news.
 * Abby: Oh my god, I got this e-mail that says I may have already won $50 million and I'm really really psyched. (Gibbs looks at her) Oh, you mean about the case?

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 * Abby: [wearing headphones and yelling] What? No Zachster?
 * Gibbs: Abby, you're yelling.
 * Abby: Oh sorry. [takes headphones off] Where is he?
 * Gibbs: He's upstairs.
 * Abby: He's a cool kid. Reminds me of you. He's like a mini Gibbs. [Gibbs looks at her] Austin Powers.
 * Gibbs: You calling Zach a mini me?
 * Abby: [smiles] Gibbs! I am so impressed by your pop culture reference.

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 * Ziva: Frank Connell is a deacon at his church, never had a moving violation, let alone a parking ticket, and he calls his mother every Sunday. The man is spic and spam.
 * Tony: The saying is "spic and span." Spam is lunch meat.
 * Ziva: Oh. What exactly is span then?
 * Tony: Span is, uh... I'll get back to you on that.
 * Ziva: In my opinion Frank Connell is not involved in this.
 * Tony: [sarcastically] Good. I'll let Gibbs know right away 'cause he loves to hear our opinions.
 * Ziva: He's distracted by his affections for Zach.
 * Tony: Gibbs doesn't get distracted.
 * Ziva: What do you call it then?
 * Tony: The Boss moves in mysterious ways.

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 * Jen: (walks down the steps to Gibbs's basement wearing a long, low cut revealing dress)
 * Gibbs: (under his breath staring) Hubba-Hubba! Dinner at the White House?
 * Jen: A date actually!
 * Gibbs: (flirting) Must be an important guy for you to get all decked out!
 * Jen: (flirting back) I'd prefer if you told me you liked my dress!
 * Gibbs: (visibly jealous) I haven't decided yet!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Ziva: They owed me a favor.
 * McGee: How many people owe you favors?
 * Ziva: How many dates has Tony go on a month?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Gibbs: Commander Tanner's been gone for forty-seven hours.
 * Ziva: If he's not dead, he soon will be.
 * McGee: Maybe we can convince her to change her mind about the lawyer?
 * Ziva: Oh, I can convince her of far more than that.
 * Gibbs: How long?
 * Ziva: Not long.
 * Gibbs: McGee, you thirsty? Come on, I'll get you a cup of coffee.

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 * McGee: Boss, what exactly is Ziva doing in there? [Gibbs just looks at him] I don't want to know. [Gibbs shakes his head] Okay.

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 * Abby: Just go, Chip!
 * McGee: I don't know how you work with him around!
 * Abby: (exasperated) I know! (sees the results) No, No, No! (whines) No!
 * McGee: What?
 * Abby: I'm too good at what I do!
 * McGee: No...you're not?
 * Abby: I am! And Gibbs will hate me for it!
 * McGee: What is it?
 * Abby: When fingerprinting the gun people always check the trigger! They never think twice about the bullets! So now I've got a partial thumb print, a perfect index finger!
 * McGee: Great!
 * Abby: (defeated) Yeah!
 * McGee: So who do they belong to?
 * Abby: Commander Tanner!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Abby: We've got an evidence showcase showdown, Chip! What do you want? Possible prints? Sticky stuff? Or name that blood?
 * Chip: Well, I aced serology! I was a dilettante at Fingerprint Identification!
 * Abby: (passes him the evidence) Name the sticky stuff for a hundred, Chip!

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 * McGee: It's a matter of opinion, Tony so how could it be wrong?
 * Tony: It's just a matter of you having the wrong opinion!
 * Ziva: (groans) Why don't you just agree to disagree?
 * McGee: I don't agree to that!
 * Tony: Boss? The way the director cut her hair? Do you like it?
 * Gibbs: She cut her hair?

Under Covers [3.8]

 * [Ziva is snoring incessantly.]
 * Tony: (mutters) Crazy chick...
 * Ziva: (sleepily) I heard that, my little Hairy Butt.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [F.B.I. Agents Maya and Yussif were doing surveillance on Tony and Ziva, and are convinced the two actually had sex.]
 * Maya: We were talking about your agents pretending to be married assassins.
 * Yussif: Very convincing.
 * Maya: I don't think anyone in the FBI would actually go all the way just to sell a cover story.
 * Yussif: [eyeing Maya] I would.
 * McGee: Guys, they were acting.
 * Yussif: Trust me. I know when someone's acting when they're having sex.
 * Maya: It's true. I've met his wife.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [In the privacy of the elevator, Gibbs and Fornell quickly hammer out a cooperation agreement.]
 * Fornell: And people say we're bastards?
 * Gibbs: Only because they know us.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Midway through Tony and Ziva's undercover act as married assassins, Abby calls with autopsy results that show the wife was pregnant.]
 * Ziva: Something wrong?
 * Tony: Just trying to picture you pregnant.
 * Ziva: Don't!
 * Tony: I have to, I'm gonna be a father! It's a great responsibility.
 * Ziva: Maybe it's not yours.
 * Tony: Maybe she didn't know.
 * Ziva: Oh, she knew.
 * Tony: So why take this contract? Put our unborn child in danger?
 * Ziva: Perhaps we needed the money.
 * Tony: Kids are expensive...
 * Ziva: And bullets are cheap. There is a big chance that this meeting is a set-up, Tony.
 * Tony: Are you scared?
 * Ziva: Nope... excited.

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 * [After being rescued.]
 * Tony: I want a divorce!

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 * Ducky: There doesn't seem to be any permanent damage. How many times did he hit you?
 * Tony: I wasn't counting.
 * Ziva: Seven times.
 * Tony: She was, of course.
 * Ziva: It was hard not to.

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 * Ziva: I'm driving you home. [jangles Tony's keys and smiles]
 * Tony: Probie. [looks hopefully to McGee]
 * McGee: Ah, Ziva, actually I should probably drive him home tonight.
 * Ziva: Why is that?
 * Abby: Maybe he wants to live.

Frame-Up [3.9]

 * Tony: [to Ziva, teasing] You set this up, didn't you?
 * Ziva: I would never...! Okay, maybe I would, but I didn't.

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 * Tony: Someone's setting me up.
 * Gibbs: Two surgically removed legs dumped into a training area? Do ya think?
 * Tony: Yeah. I was... trying to think of arrestees with grudges.
 * Ziva: Wouldn't they all have grudges?
 * Tony: You see my dilemma.
 * McGee: [reading over Tony's shoulder] Mike Macaluso?
 * Gibbs: He's a Mafia boss DiNozzo busted in Baltimore.
 * Tony: They get a little touchy when they think of you as family and you turn out to be a cop.
 * Abby: What about that forensics dweeb that you got fired?
 * Tony: I didn't arrest him, Abby.
 * Abby: Yeah, but you really, really, really pissed him off.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Sacks: Do you realize the kind of trouble you're in here, DiNozzo?
 * Tony: Oh, believe me. I do. Do you realize that you have an enormous clump of something green between your teeth? It's right there.
 * [After the interrogation]
 * Sacks: This guy is implicated in a homicide and he's making jokes!
 * Fornell: You've never worked with NCIS before, have you, Agent Sacks?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Tony is in a jail cell, going crazy rambling about his case]
 * Tony: You know, I've been thinking. I'm a federal prosecutor's dream.
 * [...]
 * Tony: Because I'm angry, and I'm immature, and I like control!
 * [...]
 * Tony: Yes, I ripped a glove at the scene. It seems a little sloppy for a federal agent who investigates crime scenes, but, you know, those are the breaks when you're a homicidal maniac dumping butchered women's remains out in the woods in the middle of the night! Right? I'm not getting out of this one, am I, boss?
 * [Gibbs gestures him over, then slaps him upside the head]
 * Tony: Thank you, boss.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Ziva: Mike Macaluso...still in jail! My sources say: His family is very happy about it!
 * McGee: (on the phone) How is it you've been in this country a month and already you've got sources?
 * Ziva: Who says my sources are from this country, McGee?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * McGee: Boss, do you really not know what coitus interruptus means?
 * Gibbs: Better question, do you know what it means if you haven't located Stewart? (McGee runs off in fear)
 * Ziva: (leaning against the wall) My father used to say (speaks in Hebrew) אש קטנה שורפת הרבה תירס
 * Gibbs: Translate.
 * Jen: (walks up to an unsuspecting Gibbs) "A little fire burns a great deal of corn"!
 * Gibbs: (not understanding the phrase she said) What?
 * Jen: It never really made sense to me either!
 * Ziva: It loses something in translation...director.

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 * Ziva: [slams Petri against the wall] We have a warrant now.
 * Petri: For what? I didn't do anything wrong.
 * Ziva: No? I can think of at least two things. Framing an NCIS agent for murder, and really, really, really pissing him off. [nods toward Gibbs]

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 * Abby: [indicating Chip bound and gagged on the floor] Now can I work alone?

Probie [3.10]

 * Jen: What are you thinking about?
 * Gibbs: Paris.
 * Jen: Get your mind out of the bedroom, Jethro.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Gibbs: Can somebody tell me what the hell is going on here?! First, Abby's lab nerd frames DiNozzo for murder, and then McGee kills a cop... did someone break a mirror?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Gibbs: You're still here?
 * Jen: No. I'm the Director's doppelganger!
 * Gibbs: I never did know what that meant! (to a girl who has rode in the elevator with them) Goodnight!
 * Girl 1: (scared) Goodnight!
 * Gibbs: So a doppelganger is someone who's pissed?
 * Jen: Yes Agent Gibbs this one definitely is!
 * Gibbs: Why?
 * Jen: Why? Because you countermanded me in front of Metro Police!
 * Gibbs: I didn't countermand you! You overruled me!
 * Jen:Oh...Semantics!
 * Gibbs: (as she walks out) Is that like "doppelganger"?
 * Jen: (from down the hall) Get a dictionary!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Tony: [trying to cheer McGee up] When the going gets tough, the tough go clubbing.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * McGee: Tony, I'm not like you guys. You were trained as a cop, Gibbs was a Marine sniper, Kate protected the President of the United States... God only knows what Ziva did with Mossad. My background is biomedical engineering and computer forensics. I don't think I'm cut out to be a field agent.
 * Tony: First time I shot at someone... I wet my pants.
 * McGee: Really?
 * Tony: Really.
 * [McGee lets out a little laugh.]
 * Tony: If you tell anyone that, I will slap you silly.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Ziva: Background check on the cop McGee killed, didn't come up with anything. He drank a little too much, had three ex-wives.
 * Gibbs: Yeah well, that does not make him a bad person.

<hr width="50%"/>
 *  Ziva: Halligan's on the goat. Oh, no! Not goat. Sheep?
 *  McGee: Lam?
 *  Ziva: That’s it.
 *  Tony: He’s on the lam. There’s no “B” in that, by the way.
 *  Ziva: Thank you.

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 *  McGee: I killed a cop arresting a drug lord.
 *  Ziva: His goose is cooked.
 *  Tony: You would get that one right.

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 * Abby: Rule number 8 is going to save you McGee!
 * Tony: Never date a coworker?
 * Ziva: Never go anywhere without your knife.
 * Tony: Thought that was 9.
 * Gibbs: Never take anything for granted.

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 * Tony: [Referring to Ziva teasing him] You're enjoying this a lot, aren't you?
 * Ziva: Oh... Yes.

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 * Ziva: Oh, Le-Aza-Zel!
 * Tony: There's that word again!
 * Ziva: Interpool just picked up Halligan entering Morocco!

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 * Karzin: With all due respect, Director Shepard, I think we all know what happened here. Nobody else saw another vehicle in the alley. A nervous rookie panicked. Fired prematurely. Killed a veteran cop.
 * Gibbs: McGee's young, but he's a damn good agent. Are you sure your partner wasn't carrying a weapon last night?
 * Archer: It would have blown his cover on the case that we were working.
 * Gibbs: You said he was off duty just like you are right now.
 * Archer: Yeah.
 * Gibbs: You're carrying.... in the small of your back. Your partner's liver said he drank a lot.
 * Karzin: Oh, go to hell.
 * Jen: Gentlemen...
 * Karzin: I'm not going to stand for a cover-up.
 * Jen: And neither am I, Captain! I shared our preliminary report and you'll have full access to our findings.
 * Karzin: I'm going to conduct my own investigation.
 * Jen: That is your prerogative.
 * Karzin: And I want to interrogate McGee.
 * Gibbs: That's not going to happen!
 * Jen: I'll handle this, Special Agent Gibbs.
 * Gibbs: McGee has made his statement. That's not going to change.
 * Jen: Thank you for coming. You'll have NCIS's full cooperation.
 * Karzin: Do I get to question Agent McGee?
 * Jen: Yes. But not today.

Model Behavior [3.11]

 * Jen: [on the phone to Gibbs] Gibbs, where are you?
 * Gibbs: [opening Director's office door behind Jen] I'm right behind you.
 * Jen: I really hate it when you do that. [she hangs up]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Gibbs: Okay, you want me to help fix this? Then get me that reporter's number.
 * Jen: You're going to apologize?
 * Gibbs: No, ask her to dinner.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Ziva: How did she get the drugs?
 * Tom Crawley: She didn't! The whole point of the show was to show she wasn't that girl anymore.
 * Ziva: Well I'd say it backfired, large-time.
 * Tony: It's "big-time".


 * Palmer: Well my friend who went to NYU said that this guy was the club king of New York. He was almost legendary.
 * Ducky: Well if he wasn't before he most certainly is now.
 * Palmer: And apparently he only eye up models and A-list celebrities. This guy got the VIP treatment everywhere he went.
 * Gibbs: You writing a gossip column Palmer?

<hr width="50%/>
 * Tony: [catches Ziva laughing at a reality TV show] I thought this show was just mindless entertainment?
 * Ziva: It's called research, Tony, and I am merely looking for a lead.
 * Tony: Well, this is only the beginning. Before you know it, you'll be sitting at home, eating a large box of chocolates, watching the Food Network on your 50 inch plasma.
 * Ziva: We're not all so easily corrupted. Take McGee for example. He's been raised in America his entire life and he barely turns the television on. Tell him, McGee!
 * Tony: Yeah, tell him, McGee.
 * McGee: Well, depends on what you consider rarely. I might watch 20 minutes here or there.
 * Tony: Tell her what you do the rest of the time, probie.
 * McGee: That's not TV.
 * Tony: He pretends to be a fairy in an online computer game.
 * Ziva: [shocked]
 * McGee: It's an elf lord.
 * Tony: [laughing] Whatever.
 * Gibbs: Keller didn't commit suicide, he was murdered. [looks at Ziva and Tony] What the hell are you two doing?! Find out why!
 * Tony: Hey I got to call you back.
 * McGee: Boss, I think I might have something.
 * Gibbs: ...Are you waiting for me to guess, elf lord?

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 * Ziva: [referring to a model] You really find her attractive?
 * Tony: Yeah?
 * Ziva: Well, I want to shoot her!

Boxed In [3.12]

 * Tony: I'm not getting any reception. How about you?
 * Ziva: I'm bra-less.
 * Tony: I noticed that earlier, but on your phone they're bars.
 * Ziva: Don’t you have anything better to do than correct my English?

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 * Tony: Why are you on top of me?
 * Ziva: I'm protecting you, Tony.
 * Tony: Don't.
 * Ziva: Well, you didn't seem to mind when we were undercover.
 * Tony: That might have something to do with the fact that you were naked.
 * Ziva: Perhaps if it were warmer in here, hmm?
 * Tony: Let me rephrase the question: why are you still on top of me? [Ziva smiles]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Tony: Hey listen, if this thing goes off I just want you to know-
 * Ziva: This is not your fault Tony.
 * Tony: Uh no, I was going to say...your life would have more meaning if you'd slept with me.
 * Ziva: If you'd had anything else on your mind, perhaps I would have.
 * Tony: Really?
 * Ziva: No.

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 * Ziva: Yeah well, I can't tell where we are going.
 * Tony: No. There are only three ways we are going to get there: Train --
 * Ziva: That's quaint. We could be like the homos in those old movies.
 * Tony: Hobos! Not homos.

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 * Ziva: Now, if you gentlemen will excuse me...
 * McGee: Where are you going?
 * Ziva: I've been locked in a box with Tony all day! The ladies' room!

Deception [3.13]

 * Abby: [to Gibbs] If I finish quickly maybe I can get back to Habitat for Humanity. I'm doing a bunch of wiring for them this weekend.
 * Gibbs: We'll see Abby.
 * Abby: Thank you, sir.
 * Gibbs: Don't call me sir.
 * Abby: Thank you, ma'am.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Tony and Ziva in plain clothes get caught by a gun-holding security officer while searching a suspect's house]
 * Tony: Relax, quickdraw, we're Feds.
 * Security Officer: Yeah? What agency?
 * Tony/Ziva: NCIS.
 * Security Officer: Never heard of it.
 * Ziva: Naval Criminal Investigative Service...
 * Security Officer: Never-heard-of-it.
 * Tony: [sighs] You never actually get used to it, you think you will, but you never do.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Security Officer: [speaking into his radio] Central? Got two suspects claiming to be Feds.
 * Tony: [glances at the radio] No little red light on the radio means the radio not working.

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 * [Ziva escapes her cuffs and subdues the obnoxious Security Officer, aiming her gun at him.]
 * Tony: Nobody's going to shoot anyone. Right, Officer David?
 * Ziva: He called me a dirtbag.
 * Security Officer: [whimpering] I'm sorry, ma'am.
 * Ziva: [angrier] "Ma'am"?
 * [Tony facepalms]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Abby: You're not the only one that came into work dressed differently today.
 * McGee: I saw Tony and Ziva.
 * Abby: I was talking about me! Here's a hint...I'm not one of Village People!
 * McGee: Oh no, the habitat for humanity was this weekend? Abby, Abby I'm so sorry, okay I'm sorry I completely forgot. You must hate me!
 * Abby: (meaning she is still in love with him) I could never hate you McGee. (Places her hardhat on his head) Don't let it happen again.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Ross Logan: I'm Ross Logan, I run this chapter of PBJ.
 * Ziva: Peanut butter and jelly yes?
 * Ross Logan: Actually no, it stands for Perverts Bought to Justice.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Tony: You haven’t met our hacker.
 * Ross Logan: He’s good?
 * Ziva: Does a bear sit in the woods?
 * Ross Logan: Are you the crackerjack team on this job?
 * Tony: She’s Israeli.
 * Ziva: Look, I know I got the bear thing right.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Tony: [Trying to identify a sound] A train track?
 * Abby: Yes, railroad tracks would be the obvious choice, but there isn't a second thunk or a thack, not even a thock on that track.
 * Tony: Have you been reading a lot of Dr. Seuss books?
 * Abby: You know I love me some Theodore Geisel.

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 * [The team tracks their kidnap victim's cell phone to two teens sneaking beer in the woods.]
 * Ziva: Who's on the phone?
 * Danny: Uh, my girlfriend.
 * [Ziva takes the phone.]
 * Ziva: [sexy voice] Hi... [giggles] Oh, my God, don't touch me there!
 * Danny's Girlfriend: What?
 * Ziva: He's gonna have to call you back, bye!
 * Danny's Girlfriend: Wait a second...!
 * Ziva: [hangs up, to Danny] You're busted.

Light Sleeper [3.14]

 * Gibbs: Sensitivity training is gonna have to wait. Double homicide at Quantico. Marine wives. [to Tony, McGee and Ziva] Grab your gear!
 * [Tony is discreetly showing his joy]
 * Ziva: Yes!
 * [McGee and Tony turn and look at her]
 * Ziva: Inappropriate?
 * McGee: A bit.
 * Tony: That and you're probably the reasons why we have to take these stupid classes.
 * Gibbs: Today!
 * Tony: On your six Boss!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Jimmy Palmer: I always say, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Gibbs: [about a fist-sized crack in a wall] Sign of an unhappy marriage.
 * Ziva: Funny, I thought it looked like a hole in the wall.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Abby reports finding no gunshot residue on the suspect's clothes.]
 * Gibbs: Could have worn gloves-
 * Abby: Or changed his clothes, I'm way ahead of you, Gibbs. That is why I am running a full residual analysis on all of Porter's wardrobe. [as Gibbs] How long, Abby? [as herself] Well it's gonna take some time, and the stuff doesn't smell very good; I don't think that laundry was a big priority... [Gibbs] Abs! [herself] Um, two hours? Whenever I know something, you'll know something. [Gibbs] You got one! Anything else? [herself] Yes, as a matter of fact. This... [hands him a cup of coffee] is for you.
 * Gibbs: Why?
 * Abby: For getting me out of sensitivity training. We were about to do trust falls and those guys in Administration have... wandering hands. [as Gibbs] Just give me their names, Abs, and I'll break 'em for you! [as herself] I know you would, Gibbs. And that is why I love you. [Gibbs smiles, kisses Abby on the cheek, and leaves]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [McGee is walking down the hall wiping his tie and bumps into Gibbs, accidentally spilling his coffee]
 * McGee: Uh, Boss...I'm sorry, I didn't see you....
 * Gibbs: What did I say about apologizing McGee?
 * McGee: Sign of weakness.
 * Gibbs: So is barfing on your tie.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Gibbs: A good investigator doesn't sit back and wait. You run down every angle, every lead. Assume everything you've been told is a lie until it checks out.
 * McGee: You got it.
 * Gibbs: There's only one time I want you to stop, McGee.
 * McGee: When you tell me.
 * Gibbs: When you're satisfied. [points to McGee] When you're satisfied.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Ziva: I’ve learned from Gibbs that in certain cases you can attract far more bees with honey…
 * Tony: Flies.
 * Ziva: What do flies have to do with honey?
 * Tony: Flies... don’t like... vinegar.
 * Ziva: Vinegar?
 * Tony: It’s complicated. Here he comes.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Ziva: This is not one of your stupid action movies, Tony.
 * Tony: No it isn't, if it was you'd be dressed differently.
 * Ziva: And you'd be far better-looking.
 * (McGee laughs)
 * Tony: You'd be dead by the opening credits.
 * (Ziva laughs)
 * McGee: Ever stop to think that maybe I am the plucky comic relief?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * McGee: Boss, did you find her?
 * Gibbs: Yeah McGee, she's hiding in my coffee cup.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Tony: Like my father always said: "Be careful who you marry, Anthony, she may end up being a homicidal maniac."
 * McGee: Your father actually said that to you?
 * Tony: No, but I'm pretty sure he thought it.
 * Ziva: Probably he knew your taste in women.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Tony: So tell us Jane Bond, how do we track you down?
 * Ziva: You don't Tony, by now I've changed my appearance, replaced my identity with back-up documents, and I've relocated.
 * Tony: Promise? (Ziva smirks at him) Okay, so that about wraps it. Who's up for lunch? (Gibbs stands up) You might want to think about this boss, 'cause I-I'll pay... (Gibbs headslaps him and Tony grimaces)
 * Gibbs: No one is eating until we find Yoon Dawson!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Ziva: (About a bomb) Can you disarm it?
 * Gibbs: I had a couple days maybe, you?
 * Ziva: I could try, but I suggest not standing within five miles of here whilst I attempt it.

<hr width="50%/>
 * Gibbs: Yeah, Ziva, Tony. What happened back there with the bomb... I want you both to know...
 * Tony: You don't have to say it, boss. We know how you feel about us.
 * Ziva: Gibbs, we're a team. That's what we do.
 * Gibbs: I was going to say, if either one of you two wingnuts ever disobey a direct order again, I'll kill you myself.
 * Tony: That's our boss.

Head Case [3.15]

 * Ducky: You did me a favor tonight Jethro. Tonight is Smackdown night at the Mallard residence. Can you believe it? Mother's favorite television program, wrestling?
 * Palmer: Mine too! I love the WWE.
 * Ducky: I haven't the heart to tell her it's not real.
 * [Palmer's smile disappears]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Ziva: [to Tony] I didn't know your nickname was honeybuns.
 * Gibbs: Only Naomi and I call him that!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Tony: Open that up, Probie.
 * McGee: No, you open it.
 * Tony: Who's the senior field agent?
 * McGee: Gibbs?
 * Tony: In this room, who's the senior field agent? [McGee is still hesitant] Open it! Chucklehead.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Mrs Wayne: I've been a Navy wife for close to twenty years, Agent Gibbs. NCIS agents don't investigate mix-ups. At least not agents as old as you.
 * Gibbs: [chuckles] We have a new director, ma'am. A female director. Let's just say I'm not as politically correct as some of the younger agents.
 * Mrs Wayne: What did you do to piss her off?
 * Gibbs: Well, if she was more like you then I wouldn't be sent out here to do a probie's job.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Tony: This guy's apartment makes McGee's look like the Four Seasons.
 * McGee: Woah, what is wrong with my home?
 * Tony: Uh, there's nothing that a bulldozer and few coats of paint wouldn't fix.
 * [Tony and McGee argue, Gibbs smacks both of them in the head]
 * Tony: I'm shutting up, Boss.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Ziva: I agree, anyone so obviously fascinated with death has to be deeply disturbed on some level. (Abby walks behind her) I mean take these masks for instance, what kind of a person would collect such horrid looking things?
 * Abby: Me.
 * Ziva: Of course by horrid I mean finely crafted and artistic.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Mrs Wayne has come to the NCIS headquarters, Director Jenny Shepard is with her at the elevator]
 * Mrs Wayne: He said the paper mix-up could be resolved with my husband's teeth.
 * Jenny: If Special Agent Gibbs told you that, I'm sure it's the truth. He's one of the most knowledgeable agents I've ever worked with.
 * Mrs Wayne: I had that impression. I'm glad he was assigned this, even it is punishment.
 * Jenny: [surprised] Punishment?
 * Mrs Wayne: The new director has it in for him.
 * [Mrs Wayne and Jenny walk into the squad room]
 * Jenny: He told you that?
 * Mrs Wayne: Well, I've seen it before. When Parker was XO for one of the first female ship captains. Phew! The woman was a nightmare trying to prove herself.
 * [Jenny brings Mrs Wayne to team's office space where they meet Gibbs and the team in front of his desk]
 * Jenny: Special Agent Gibbs. [glares at him] I didn't know the new director was punishing you. [Gibbs smiles discreetly] She always seemed very fair to me.
 * [Tony, Ziva and McGee look on in amusement]
 * Mrs Wayne: Well, you're a woman. She doesn't have anything to prove to you.
 * Jenny: [spots the team looking on from the side and walks over to Ziva] How about you? What do you think? Do you think the new director is reasonable?
 * Ziva: [smiles] Very.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Jenny: [To Tony, after she gave Ziva information on the case] Something wrong?
 * Tony: Oh, just wondering if Gibbs knows who Ziva's secret contact is.
 * Jenny: We had a saying in Europe: "Whatever Gibbs doesn't know..."
 * Tony: "...can't hurt him".
 * Jenny: No. "Can't hurt us".

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Jenny: [Looking through two-way mirror at Sean Oliver sitting in the interrogation room] Do you think it would be inappropriate if, as director, I went in there and smacked that smile off her face?
 * Gibbs: Yeah, it would, but that's what you have me for.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Abby: There really is no foreplay with you, is there, Gibbs?
 * Gibbs: What, you been talking to my ex-wives again?

Family Secret [3.16]

 * Ziva: What are you doing?
 * Tony: I'm in the middle of a very serious negotiation.
 * Ziva: On McGee's computer?
 * Tony: I know where you're going with this, and the answer is yes.
 * Ziva: And what's the question?
 * Tony: Have I no shame?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Tony: She asked you out? You?!
 * McGee: Trust me, I'm just as surprised as you are.
 * Tony: Trust me, you're not.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Gibbs interviewing the two paramedics who were driving the ambulance that exploded]
 * Patto: We left the van unattended for four, maybe five minutes tops.
 * J.B.: As soon at Patto hit the breaks...
 * Patto: The whole thing exploded into flames.
 * J.B.: I think someone's trying to kill us.
 * Patto: Would you please stop that, J.B.? It was, it was an accident.
 * Gibbs: Who's trying to kill you?
 * J.B.: Who knows? There's a lot of weirdos out there.
 * Gibbs: Tell me about it.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Gibbs, Palmer, and Ducky are examining the charred remains of a Marine]
 * Ducky: Survived IEDs in Iraq, RPGs in Afghanistan. Unfortunately the local Odocoileus virginianus was too much to bear.
 * Palmer: That's a white-tailed...
 * Gibbs: Deer, yeah I know. Are you saying Bambi killed this Marine, Ducky?
 * Ducky: No. But swerving at 60 miles an hour into a tree to avoid Bambi did.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Gibbs hits the back of Ziva's head]
 * Ziva: Ow! What was that for?!
 * Gibbs: Alerting DiNozzo.
 * [Ziva throws a notepad at a smiling Tony]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Gibbs: You know how I feel about coincidences, Abs.
 * Abby: Equatorial pygmies know how you feel about coincidences, Gibbs.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Gibbs: [After listening to Abby describe a very complicated sequence of events that led to the ambulance explosion] Not an accident.
 * Abby: Not unless the angel of death is going through a Rube Goldberg stage.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Palmer: I'm sorry doctor, I'm having a problem with the smell today.
 * Ducky: Really? I think he smells like my mother's fried chicken.
 * Palmer: Yeah, that'd be the problem.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Tony: That wasn't the way it looked, boss.
 * Gibbs: I know.
 * Tony: The director kinda suckered me into that deal.
 * Gibbs: Ziva caved first.
 * Ziva: I didn't cave in! I was trying --
 * Gibbs: McGee next.
 * McGee: It wasn't --
 * Gibbs: And my loyal St. Bernard held out until last.
 * Tony: Well I --
 * Gibbs: Probably all of 30 seconds.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Tony: We can't find him. But we're not going to give up until we do!
 * McGee: Or die trying!
 * [Gibbs smiles and walks away]
 * Tony: [with a horrified look at McGee] Or die trying?! You had to put that in his head?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Abby: Can I get a drumroll?
 * Gibbs: [Pauses for a few seconds] Ta-dah.

Ravenous [3.17]

 * [Ziva and Tony are watching probie agents attending an autopsy.]
 * Ziva: We had this same test at Mossad. If you fail, they terminate you.
 * Tony: How do you fail an autopsy?
 * [One of the probies vomits.]
 * Ziva: By doing that. What happens if you fail here?
 * Gibbs: [Walking in] Well, it depends, Officer David. Some of them go on to become our Director.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Tony: [Upon seeing the name of the park's general store] Jackrabbit Slim's?
 * Ziva: Just like the diner in Pulp Fiction?
 * Tony: [pauses, giving her an odd look] You don't know how to say 'porcupine', but you know the diner from Pulp Fiction?
 * Ziva: Believe it or not, we actually have movie theaters in my country.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * McGee: According to Petty Officer Riley's C.O. he's been on leave the last six days.
 * Tony: Nice vacation, little camping, knife to the heart, little trip inside a bear's digestive tract.
 * McGee: Yeah I'd fire my travel agent.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Abby: Little square, Little square, Where have you been, stuck on the behind of Riley's missing girlfriend.
 * (Ziva alerts Abby to her being behind her)
 * Abby: Oh hey, I was just about to call Tony and McGee -- I think they were having sex.
 * Ziva: [Incredulously] Tony and McGee?

<hr width="50%"/>
 *  Tony: Slam dunk. We're going out next weekend. Yeah!
 *  Ziva: That's not bad, Tony. Landis asked me out tonight. I said 'no'. I don’t want him to think I’m sleazy.
 *  Tony: That term is "easy."
 *  Ziva: What's the difference?
 *  Tony: Mostly the makeup.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Gibbs: [Leaving for search for the killer in the forest] Ziva, you stay here with Ranger Hendricks.
 * Ziva: Gibbs, I think I'd be better suited --
 * Gibbs: We're taking him alive. Let's roll. [He's leaving with others, Ziva and Ranger Hendricks stay]
 * Ranger Hendricks: I hate it when men try to protect you 'cause you're female.
 * Ziva: He's not trying to protect me. He's afraid I'd kill Rowan before he tells us where the girl is.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Ziva: Do you mind if I grab a bat nap?
 * Ranger Hendricks: No, just, um, hang from the rafters.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Abby and McGee are hugging]
 * Gibbs: Are you two done playing grab-assy? Or do I need to transfer McGee to a weather station in the Antarctic?

Bait [3.18]

 * [Gibbs has entered the room with the hostage-taker.]
 * Tony: [from outside] I want to speak with Special Agent Gibbs.
 * Gibbs: Everybody's okay... Boss.
 * Tony: That's good to hear... Special Agent Gibbs.
 * Kody: Your agent says he's a negotiator.
 * Tony: Well, that's right. He's my best man.
 * Kody: Your best man's a moron for getting caught in here.
 * Tony: He always had an attitude problem.
 * [Inside the room, Gibbs smiles. Outside the room, Tony winces.]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Tony: Want to let you know that Special Agent Caitlin Todd is out looking for your mom.
 * Kody: Don't come back until you find her. I... I won't tell you again.
 * Tony: All right. I'm going.
 * Marine: How are you going to tell Gibbs the kid's mom is dead?
 * Tony: [grimly] I already did. Special Agent Todd is dead.

<hr width="50%"/>
 *  Ziva: She asked if you had the calzones for this, yes?
 *  Tony: Cojones.
 *  Ziva: Do you?

Iced [3.19]

 * Tony: You're deep moisturizing to bring out your "feminine glow".
 * McGee: I had dry skin, ok? My doctor recommended it.
 * Tony: [laughs mockingly] Haha! Well, you're walking a slippery slope there, Probelicious. Before you know it, you'll be taking bubble baths with your clogs on. [Ziva laughs quietly]
 * McGee: What is wrong with bubble baths?
 * Gibbs: [walks in and barks at the team before Tony has a chance to reply McGee] Load up!
 * [...]
 * Gibbs: Two kids found the First Sergeant floating under 6 inches of ice.
 * Tony: Ice? That means...
 * Ziva: You're now going to make a really juvenile cold case joke?
 * Tony: It was a really good one too.
 * [They walk into the elevator. McGee notices Gibbs looking at him.]
 * McGee: Something wrong, boss?
 * Gibbs: Just admiring your feminine glow. [Ziva snickers]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Tony: I'm just saying, Probie, the whole metrosexual thing isn't working for you.
 * McGee: I got it, Tony. Joke is over.
 * Tony: Not joking man. We all know that the ladies love a macho man who's in touch with his feminine side, but I gotta tell ya, I think you're coming off a little gay.
 * Ziva: Because he uses body lotion and likes to take bubble baths?!
 * Tony: You forget the manicure?
 * McGee: Manicure was only once and that was because I tore a cuticle.
 * Tony: You just set off gaydar across the entire Atlantic seaboard.
 * McGee: Tony I am not gay!
 * Tony: This isn't about orientation. This is about image.
 * Ziva: So now your image is homo-pubic?
 * Tony: Term is homo-phobic.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Ducky sneezes in autopsy]
 * Ducky: [to corpse] I suppose a "Bless you" is too much to ask for.
 * Palmer: Bless you, Doctor.
 * Ducky: I wasn't talking to you, Mr Palmer.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * McGee: What Tony was saying about me before, you know. Do I come off as unmanly?
 * Ziva: [looks at him in surprise] I think Tony was jerking your brain.
 * McGee: Chain? Jerking my chain?
 * Ziva: Whatever. I think you're appropriately masculine.
 * [McGee walks away, satisfied.]
 * Ziva: [pauses] However, perhaps not macho. [McGee stops and looks at her] Tony and Gibbs are, uh, "tough guys". Yes, they're...
 * McGee: So I'm not tough.
 * Gibbs: [walks in] You have to ask.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Ziva: Downing was on a revenge mission.
 * Gibbs: First Sergeants don't go on revenge missions, Officer David.
 * Ziva: I would. Why not a Marine First Sergeant?
 * Gibbs: They have more control than you do.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Gibbs: [Tony has recovered three guns at the lake] You expecting an "attaboy?"
 * Tony: I... thought it'd be nice. [cringes as he expects a head-slap from Gibbs]
 * Gibbs: [lightly stroking the back of his head] Attaboy.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Tony: Is that man lotion working for you Probie?
 * McGee: Didn't shave today. Trying a new look.
 * Tony: When you say "today", you mean the last couple of minutes or... [examines McGee's face]
 * McGee: Abby seems to like it.
 * Tony: Like what?
 * Ziva: Looks nice, McGee. It's very manly.
 * Tony: May I? [touches McGee's chin]
 * [Tony doesn't notice Gibbs has walked into the squad room]
 * Gibbs: DiNozzo.
 * Tony: [realizes Gibbs is behind him] Hey Boss.
 * Gibbs: Why are you touching his face?
 * Tony: [continues feeling McGee's chin] I don't know, it feels good though. It's like a bunny rabbit.
 * [Gibbs gives Tony a head-slap]
 * Gibbs: Don't!
 * [...]
 * Gibbs: McGee, you're trying too hard. [hands him a bottle of shaving cream]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Lance Corporal Silva: How much trouble am I in?
 * Gibbs: Trouble? Why would you say that?
 * Lance Corporal Silva: Four NCIS agents escorting one lance corporal?
 * Tony: You got it all wrong, Marine. She's Mossad.
 * [...]
 * Gibbs: Your company, your fellow Marines are stuck in Iraq until we solve this case.
 * Silva: You don't think I know that, sir?
 * Tony: He knows. He just doesn't care.
 * Gibbs: Hey Silva, you know what. We have names for guys like you when I was on active duty. Bravo foxtrot.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Abby: [pretending to be a commander] Men, we are here today for three reasons. 1) We can't find Miguel Sosa. 2) I'm not even sure if he exists. And three-- [Unknown to her, McGee has been standing behind watching]
 * McGee: Who were you talking to?
 * Abby: [marches to McGee] You will address me as sir, soldier!
 * McGee: [looks at Abby in bemusement] Sorry. Who were you talking to, sir?
 * Abby: My army. Major Mass Spec. Captain Comparison Microscope. Ensign--
 * McGee: ...isn't an army rank. It's actually Navy.
 * Abby: [annoyed that McGee has interrupted her fantasy] What do you want, McGee?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Cesar Bernal: [To McGee] You've been watching too many cop shows. Know that?
 * McGee: Yeah, well you've been watching too many... gang... person shows.
 * (from observation)
 * Tony: I don't think Probie's watches enough cop shows.
 * Ziva: McGee is a capable interrogator. He can be quite intimidating when he wants to be.
 * Cesar Bernal: You can't keep me in here like this!
 * McGee: [glares at Bernal] No, actually, I can. You see, La Vida Mala has suspected ties to al-Qaeda. So all I have to do is say the word "terrorist" and I can keep you in this room until you grow old and die.
 * (from observation)
 * Tony: That... actually was intimidating.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Tony: My name's Anthony. My friends call me Tony which, spelled backwards, is "Y-not."

Untouchable [3.20]

 * Tony: Wish I had a neighbor like that. Old bat that lives next to me complains every time I bring a date home. Want to know why?
 * Ziva: Shouting out "no means no!"?
 * Tony: Ha, that's a good one, but that's a good one, but not even close.
 * Ziva: I was actually kidding.
 * Tony: Oh.
 * Ziva: I have the same problem at my place Tony.
 * Tony: Really? You have a surround-sound system too?
 * Ziva: No, I'm what you Americans like to call a "screamer", yes?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Ducky: To assume is to make an enemy of exactitude.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Tony and Ziva are watching Gibbs interrogating a suspect]
 * Ziva: This woman is a total turd! [Tony looks at her strangely] A geek, yes?
 * Tony: The term is nerd.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Gibbs: Looks like they’re putting decoder rings in cereal boxes again. [the team just stares at him] ...What?
 * Tony: Uh... little before our time, boss.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Tony: (looking at McGee who is sleeping) Got any superglue, Abs?
 * (Gibbs walks in and headslaps Tony)
 * Gibbs: What did I tell you about that DiNozzo?
 * Tony: The skin might not grow back.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Tony: [doing Sean Connery impression] He has a license to kill, McGee.
 * Ziva: He has full diplomatic immunity.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [While Tony and Ziva are on stakeout, Ziva thinks Tony is asleep behind his sunglasses. Mischievously, she begins to tip her water bottle over his crotch...]
 * Tony: Do it and die, Amadeus.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Abby is talking with Mrs. Mallard in her lab]
 * Mrs. Mallard: [smiles] Did you know, that without those longshoreman tattoos, and that dog collar, you are the exact spitting image of my sister Gloria?
 * Abby: Thank you!
 * Mrs. Mallard: [frowns] I hated her.

Bloodbath [3.21]

 * Hotel clerk: However, if you folks are unhappy with the room in any way.
 * Albert: (whispers) Stay single.
 * Hotel Clerk: Just let me know and I can see about you getting you an upgrade.
 * (They walk into the room and it is covered in blood and human tissue.)
 * Albert: I think we'll take that upgrade.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * McGee: Apparently there was some kind of bloodbath.
 * Tony: Mondays. What's the body count?
 * Gibbs: Who said anything about a body, DiNozzo?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Palmer: [as he's leaving the scene, and the team is coming in] I'd take an umbrella if you go in there.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Tony: How bad does a drug deal have to go for you to leave the drugs behind?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Gibbs: Someone was dissected here, Duck?
 * Ducky: More likely three someones.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Abby: McGee, no lurking without a permit.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Abby: This is so embarrassing. Okay, in my defense what self-respecting drug dealer cuts his cocaine with potassium cyanide?
 * McGee: Obviously one that doesn't care about repeat business.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Gibbs: Why didn't you come to me Abby?
 * Abby: Because Gibbs, I wanted him restrained. I didn't want him beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Gibbs is visiting Abby's stalker ex-boyfriend, Michael, at his business, Krime Kleaners]
 * Gibbs: The only reason you're still able to walk is because I never heard about you until today.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Abby: I’m a scientist, and he plays with voodoo dolls.
 * McGee: But, you play with voodoo dolls Abby.
 * Abby: I meant it metaphorically, McGee. I don’t think they actually do anything. I just play with ‘em, y’know, to relax.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * McGee: Bed time. I'm going to take the sleeping bag.
 * Abby: We're adults, McGee. We can share the same bed.
 * McGee: [Seeing Abby playing with his typewriter] If you promise to keep your hands to yourself.
 * Abby: Clearly, you haven't been. Your shirt [Abby is wearing McGee's shirt] smells like J.Lo Glow. Oh, I can't find my toothbrush; I think it fell out in your car.
 * McGee: That's all right. Your old toothbrush is still in my bathroom.
 * Abby: You kept my old toothbrush? That's a little creepy, McGee. Maybe you should take the sleeping bag.
 * McGee: What is creepy about it? I just never bothered to throw it out. (Abby brings a toothbrush out of the bathroom) What?
 * Abby: This is not my toothbrush.
 * McGee: Well, then I must have bought a second one and forgot about it.
 * Abby: It's a ladybug toothbrush McGee. It's for cute girls named Gina Marie that bake cookies and wear J.Lo Glow. Not for quasi-manly federal agent who carry a gun.
 * McGee: Are you going to use it or not?
 * Abby: An anonymous toothbrush? I would rather remove my own tonsils with Typhoid Mary's straight razor.
 * McGee: Where are you going?
 * Abby: To get my toothbrush.
 * McGee: No, no, you're not leaving the apartment.
 * Abby: Why not McGee? We both know Gibbs is just being over-protective.
 * McGee: I'm not worried about you. I'm worried about me and if Gibbs finds out I let you leave.
 * Abby: That's a really good point. You go.
 * McGee: I'm not leaving you alone either.
 * Abby: Fine then I'll just use your toothbrush.
 * McGee: (grabs his coat) Don't open the door for anyone. (leaves)
 * (someone knocks on the door, Abby answers it)
 * Abby: What?
 * McGee: I told you not to answer the door for anyone!
 * Abby: What'd you forget?
 * McGee: My keys.
 * Abby: Why do you need your keys if I'm here?
 * McGee: My car keys. Now, listen to me, you do not answer the door, okay, not for anyone... (Abby gives him a mock salute) ...Or I will tie you up.
 * Abby: (excited) Really?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Gibbs: Coordinate with Abby.
 * McGee: Boss, you’re gonna have to try and get her out of the elevator first.
 * [Gibbs goes to the elevator, where Abby is sitting in the corner holding a stun gun]
 * Abby: Hey Gibbs. [elevator closes] Did you know that only 5 of the 2½ million deaths every year occur in elevators?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Gibbs: No-one is going to hurt you, Abby.
 * Abby: You’re just saying that to make me feel better.
 * Gibbs: Did it?
 * Abby: Yeah, can you say it again?
 * Gibbs: Nobody’s gonna hurt you, Abs.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Michael: Look, I know we got off on the wrong foot.
 * Abby: The wrong foot?!? The only right foot is my foot up your a--
 * Michael: Abby!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Abby: (drunk in Gibbs' basement) You know; I never understand why people drink alcohol when they're depressed - because alcohol is a depressant. And now; I'm still depressed; and I'm nauseous...and I'm really drunk. Which means that tomorrow, I have to have to go fight a hangover while I'm in court, while some ambulance-chasing attorney tries to attack my credibility.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Abby: ...Because I think that this - might all be my fault...
 * Gibbs: Maybe it is.
 * Abby: How can you say that to me, Gibbs? I didn't do anything wrong. Just because some - defective lunatic can't get it through his thick skull that I think he is a defective...lunatic... That is not my fault, Gibbs. That's not my fault at all... It's not my fault. [realizing it really isn't her fault] It's not my fault. Huh. [picks up a hammer and chisel] I see why you like to work on your boat, Gibbs. Very, very cathartic. [puts the tools on the boat and breaks off a chunk] Oops. [gives Gibbs back his tools]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Tony and Gibbs have just found Abby, (who is in a very "Wonder Woman" pose) repeatedly shocking the hitman with her stun gun]
 * Abby: I'll be with you in a minute, Gibbs. [continues shocking the man] And don't look up my skirt!
 * Gibbs: [laughing, nods in approval] Okay.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Michael: I love her you know. I-I love her. You don't get it, do you? Huh? She wants everyone to believe that she doesn't love me. Hell, I think even she believes it sometimes. [turns to the mirrored window between the interrogation room and the viewing room] Tell me what, how come, if you don't care about me, you can't take your eyes off of me right now. Huh? You can lie to the rest of the world, but you can't lie to your heart. Can you, Abby?
 * [Gibbs leaves and turns out the lights in the interrogation room, revealing that there is no one on the other side of the window.]
 * Michael: No, no, no, no...Abby? Abby! Look, I know you're in there! Abby!
 * [Walking down the hall away from the room, Gibbs smiles.]

Jeopardy [3.22]

 * [A dead body is lying in the squad room elevator.]
 * Ducky: I've been traveling to crime scenes for a good many years now, but I can say with total confidence that this is the shortest commute I've ever had.
 * Palmer: And one of the few times I didn't get us lost.
 * Ducky: True.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Abby has come up to the squad room to take pictures of the dead man.]
 * Abby: Why do I feel like everyone's staring at me?
 * McGee: Because they are.
 * Abby: Did I do something wrong?
 * Tony: Have you ever been to Disneyland, Abby?
 * Abby: Every summer.
 * Tony: Yeah. You know those camera toting tourists with the tall white socks up to their knees wearing fannypacks?
 * Abby: Well, yeah. We spend half the time laughing about [Abby looks down- she is wearing white knee length socks and a plaid skirt and has a camera around her neck]-- oh, my God. I've turned into my Uncle Larry.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Ducky: My father used to say "You must live for today; because yesterday is gone, and tomorrow may never come."

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Palmer: Yeah, most people don't know this, but financial disputes, second-leading cause of divorce.
 * Ducky: Really? What's number one?
 * Gibbs: Marriage.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Cynthia: Here's everything, 9 a.m with the GAO, 10:30 with the ATCC.
 * Gibbs: And after lunch a meeting with the BOB.
 * Cynthia: Uh, that's congressman Bob Summers, he's a friend.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Ziva has come down to Autopsy to see if there is any new discoveries pertaining to the death of a suspect she accidentally killed in the elevator.]
 * Ducky: And you probably shouldn't be down here.
 * Ziva: I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be in the field, can you please 'please' tell me where I should be?
 * Ducky: Well, I can understand your feelings of alienation.
 * Ziva: Everyone's avoiding me! Do they think I am just going to lose control, just enter the building and massacre everyone?! I mean, I am being treated like a leopard.
 * Ducky: I believe the phrase is 'like a leper'.

Part 1 (3.23)

 * [The team is sitting in a car parked at the docks, watching a freighter]
 * Tony: This is so "Usual Suspects"...
 * Ziva: Tony, your dying words would be, "I've seen this film."

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Ziva: I'm confused.
 * McGee: So am I, and I saw the DVD twice.
 * Tony: The Sound of Music confuses you, Probie.
 * Ziva: I love that movie!
 * [She opens her mouth to sing, Tony claps a hand over her mouth.]
 * Tony: One note, and I will lock you in a room and make you listen to "It's A Small World" for twenty-four hours straight. Do we understand each other?
 * Ziva: [muffled] Mmm-hmm.

<hr width="50%"/>
 *  Ziva: Ducky, drip it!
 *  Ducky: Do you mean: drop it or zip it?
 *  Ziva: Ah, American idioms drive me up the hall.
 *  Ducky: Well, actually... never mind.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [McGee doesn't want to go into the room where the explosion happened, and Tony gives him a job to do outside]
 * McGee: [as he's leaving] On it, boss!
 * Tony: [smiles] I do love it when he calls me boss.
 *  Ziva: Is that why you're being nice to him?
 * Tony: Nice? I'm not being nice. Lugging foot lockers is probie work. [Ziva gives him a knowing look] ...All right, I cut the probie some slack.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Tony: Shouldn't he be awake by now?
 * Jenny: You know Gibbs. He keeps his own schedule. Do you know what REM is?
 * Tony: Sure. Rapid Eye Movement. It happens when you're asleep and dreaming.
 * Jenny: That's what it looks like he's doing now.
 * Tony: Oh well, that's gotta be a good sign right?
 * Jenny: If it isn't a nightmare.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Interrogating a ship's captain, Ziva plucks away his cigar.]
 * Captain: [in Turkish, under his breath] Bitch...
 * McGee: [confused] What did he say?
 * Ziva: [in Turkish] Want to see this bitch take that cigar to your testicles?
 * McGee: Wait, what'd you say?
 * Ziva: That I understood him.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Abby: What aren't you telling me?
 * McGee: What do you mean?
 * Abby: You have that three-little-pigs-look.
 * McGee: What?
 * Abby: The three little pigs. They were afraid to open the door because the big bad wolf was outside.
 * McGee: I don't know what are you talking about. (Something rings...)
 * Abby: Wow... this is definitely going on my wall. (Ziva walks in)
 * Ziva: I should be a professional photographer!
 * Abby: The Director hasn't called.
 * Ziva: About?
 * Abby: About?! Gibbs!
 * Ziva: Oh...
 * Abby: She didn't call you, did she?
 * Ziva: No.
 * Abby: Because, you know, the way you're acting, you might have just, I don't know, forgotten to tell us.
 * McGee: Ziva, do you notice anything different in here?
 * Ziva: No music.
 * McGee: That's it! No music. (He looks at Abby) You know, you usually play music in here...
 * Abby: What if those were Gibbs' guts smooshed all over that room?
 * Ziva: Oh, for God's sake, Abby, they're not.
 * Abby: I said, what if they were?!
 * Ziva: The color would be more coffee-brown than red.
 * (Abby slaps her on the face, Ziva slaps her back, Abby slaps her again and so does Ziva. McGee looks shocked).

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Ducky: (to Tony) You sound like Gibbs.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Tony: Abby! Front and center. You too, Ziva. Let's go! I know what happened.
 * [Abby and Ziva start talking at the same time.]
 * Tony: Hey! If there's going to be any bitch slapping on this team, I'll do it. Clear? Good. Now shake hands. Shake.
 * [Abby and Ziva reluctantly shake hands]
 * Tony: There we go. That wasn't so tough, was it? Now how about a little hug? Big buddy hug. Come on.
 * [They hug.]
 * Tony: Now a deep tongue kiss.
 * [Both women punch Tony in the chest.]
 * Tony: Ooh! Now we feel better.

Part 2 (3.24)

 * Ziva: You know what that means?
 * Tony: Director's taking over the investigation.
 * Ziva: Probably, but I was thinking if Gibbs doesn't remember the last 15 years, he'll be a probie.
 * Tony: Gibbs would never let her take over.
 * Ziva: Not the old Gibbs... "Probie Gibbs"?? (Tony jumps up, running after Director Shepard)

<hr width="50%"/>
 * (Ziva remembers the idiom from 3.08)
 * Ziva: Oh! Listen to the pot call the kettle black. Got that right, didn’t I?
 * Tony: No.
 * (McGee gives her a thumbs-up)
 * Ziva: Yes!

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 * Ziva: He won't talk unless I...
 * Tony: No torture.
 * Ziva: He won't talk.
 * Tony: Try.
 * Ziva: Okay, but you're tying my feet.
 * Tony: Hands.
 * Ziva: Those, too.

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 * Tony: My gut tells me we're missing something.
 * Ziva: Gibbs?
 * Tony: Yeah. Gibbs.

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 * (Ziva and Gibbs are talking in hospital room.)
 * Gibbs: We work together?
 * Ziva: Yes. I'm a Mossad officer attached to your team.
 * Gibbs: Mossad? When did they start doing that...
 * Ziva: It's been a year.
 * Gibbs: Don't feel bad, I worked for that M.E...
 * Ziva: Ducky, 10 years and you don't remember him!
 * Gibbs: Do you always finish people sentenc...
 * Ziva: Only when I'm in a hurry.

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 * [Gibbs glares at Ziva, frustrated]
 * Ziva: Good, that's a start.
 * Gibbs: What is?
 * Ziva: The old Gibbs stare!

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 * [Ziva has gone to see Gibbs in the hospital. She walks in and he is asleep. When she walks over he grabs her arm and gets out of the bed. She starts telling him about some of the things he doesn't remember. She ends up telling him about Ari and Kate.]
 * Ziva: Ari... Ari killed Kate! And I... I killed Ari! [starts crying]
 * Gibbs: Your brother? You killed your brother to save me?
 * Ziva: [crying] Yes.
 * [Gibbs hugs her as his memory returns and she cries]

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 * Gibbs: Pinpin Pula is an arrogant son of a bitch! He thought the bomb he planted would kill me!
 * Deputy Director Welsh: So, he's not a suicide bomber?
 * Gibbs: For God's sakes, order that frigate to break off!
 * Deputy Director Welsh: I can't do that.
 * Gibbs: Is everyone up there as stupid as you?! Pinpin Pula is on the Cape Fear! He's the radioman! He intercepts every BOLO we send him, and he replies, "No Pinpin here"!
 * Deputy Director Welsh: We got that, Special Agent Gibbs! It's why we didn't communicate with Cape Fear until... [turns around] NOW!
 * Gibbs: Jeff! Thank God you're there. Can you get your SEALs on board without being seen?
 * Commander Jeff Fletcher: We can execute a HALO insertion within ten hours.
 * Deputy Director Welsh: The Cape Fear will have entered the Med, that's unacceptable. If anything happens, it'll be on some tourist video camera!
 * Gibbs: The sailors on that frigate have video cameras!
 * Deputy Director Welsh: We can confiscate those videos.
 * Gibbs: [dumbfounded] What?! YOU DON'T WANT THIS BEING SEEN?!!
 * Deputy Director Welsh: An accident at sea is better than an act of terrorism.
 * [Gibbs looks over at cameras, and he notices people boarding the Cape Fear]
 * Gibbs: IT'S TOO LATE!!!
 * [on the Cape Fear]
 * Sailor: Cape Fear, heave to. Stand by to be boarded for inspection, heave to. Stand by to be boarded for inspection.
 * [back in DC]
 * Gibbs: [to Deputy Director Welsh] You BASTARD!!

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 * Gibbs: [gets his gun and badge back from Tony, gives him a long look] You'll do.
 * [Gibbs puts his gun and badge in Tony's hands, and squeezes his shoulder]
 * Gibbs: It's your team now. [turns to McGee] Tim, you're a good agent. Don't let him tell you otherwise.
 * McGee: I won't, boss.
 * Abby: Gibbs... [Gibbs puts his finger over Abby's lips and kisses her on the cheek]
 * Gibbs: [walks back to Ziva] I owe you, Ziva.
 * Ziva: I'll collect, Jethro.
 * Gibbs: Give me a ride room Duck.
 * Ducky: Of course.
 * (Gibbs starts to leave, then turns back for one last look at his team.)
 * Gibbs: Semper Fi.