National Lampoon's Van Wilder

National Lampoon's Van Wilder is a 2002 comedy film about a college student in his seventh year without graduating.
 * Directed by Walt Becker. Written by Brent Goldberg and David Wagner.

Don't Graduate. Celebrate. (taglines)

Van Wilder

 * Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere.
 * Are you stalking me? 'Cause that would be super.
 * Hey, look. That old bag is stronger than she looks.
 * And thus, 'Topless Tutors' was born.
 * Sharing a half-calf latte and a penalty box with Gwen Pearson who believes that censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself.
 * Don't be a fool, stay in school.
 * Don't be a fool, wrap your tool.
 * All this time I thought I was more to you than some flaccid story.
 * You must be Pre-Med Dick.
 * Her name is Naomi. That's 'I MOAN' backwards.
 * Richard, you rascal, you never told me you were a DIK! [under breath] Not that you had to.
 * I'd like you to meet Sherri and Terri. Two girls utterly infatuated with men who have larger than normal... medulla oblongata's.
 * Well, it is the NAKED mile run; everyone else will be in their birthday suits. Except for that guy...
 * Write that down.
 * Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive.
 * Those circus midgets can NOT hold their booze!
 * Oh God. If he's here who's running hell?
 * I learned a long time ago you can't treat every situation like it's life and death. Cause you'll die a lot of times.
 * Sometimes you gotta let your heart lead you, even if you know it's someplace you know you're not supposed to be.

Taj Mahal Badalandabad

 * Tit! Oh mummy. Most Indians would say cow because they are sacred, but, I hear milk I think giant jugs. You see, I can not go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. [Van Wilder spits out his water] To-to-to smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby, you know? And get it waxed. You know, I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. You know, air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder.
 * This is the White Barry.
 * You...you...you....you pussy ass mother fucker dick sucker!

Other Characters

 * Richard: You do not call her that, Gonad!
 * Vance Wilder, Sr: Sweet Joseph, my son's a fairy.
 * Jeannie: It was the greatest ten seconds. Ever.
 * Applicant: I see a rabbi. And he's performing a circumcision...on himself though.
 * Prof. McDoogle: Apathy is the glove in which evil slips its hand.

Dialogue

 * Van: Blue. It brings out your eyes. Kid's got killer eyes; not unlike yourself. Anyone ever tell you that?
 * Gwen: Yes, my boyfriend.


 * Van: Now, repeat after me. No cock pump...
 * Taj: No cock pump.


 * Taj: This is the culmination of my being.
 * Naomi: Baby, I'm about to culminate, now get over here.


 * Vance Wilder, Sr.: Van is still in school?
 * Assistant: For the better part of a decade.


 * Vance Wilder, Sr.: And, schedule in a massage.
 * Assistant: With a Happy Ending?
 * Vance Wilder, Sr.: Ah Yes.


 * Jeannie: This party so rocks, Richard!
 * Richard: This party sucks rectum, Jeannie!


 * McDoogle: Ok, Wilder. Let's dance.
 * Van: It's a good day to die, McDoogle.


 * Jeannie: [during sex] P.S. This an awesome room.
 * Richard: P.S. Shut the fuck up!

Taglines

 * The Tradition Continues
 * Don't Graduate. Celebrate.
 * If you're going for an advanced degree in partying...Why graduate?
 * No party gets started until it gets wilder.
 * Born to be wilder!
 * All the girls want him. All the boys want to be him.
 * Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive

Cast

 * Ryan Reynolds — Van Wilder
 * Kal Penn — Taj Mahal Badalandabad
 * Tara Reid — Gwen E. Pearson
 * Tim Matheson — Vance Wilder Sr.