Nebulous

Nebulous is a post-apocalyptic science fiction comedy radio show set in the year 2099. It was written by Graham Duff and directed by Nicholas Briggs, and ran for three series originally broadcast on BBC Radio 4 between 2005 and 2008.

Repeated Quotes
There are various running jokes in Nebulous. These quotes appear, exactly or approximately, in every, or almost every, episode.


 * Sir Ronald: I'd like to do what I can, but I'm afraid I can't.




 * Rory: Bollocks. Sir.




 * Rory: What in the hell?




 * Harry: Unlike you, I no longer have the luxury of [body part].




 * Professor Nebulous: This cannot happen.




 * Professor Nebulous: As I anticipated [something unanticipated has happened].




 * Professor Nebulous: What? I'm not a clown... not a clown... [...] I shall not clown... I shall not clown....




 * Professor Nebulous: [lengthy and increasingly tenuous metaphor or analogy]... I'm drifting.




 * Gemini: I am obeying.

Episode 1: Holofile 117: The Night of the Vegetarians

 * Professor Nebulous: Nothing is beyond my understanding, I don't know what you mean.




 * Professor Nebulous: I used to enjoy Soylent Beige myself, until I realised, to my horror, that it was made from soya beans.




 * Harry: Rory!
 * Rory: What is it, Harry? Can't you see I'm involved in some very important work?
 * Harry: You're ironing shoes.
 * Rory: Exactly. They won't iron themselves, you know. They're broken.




 * Professor Nebulous: These people have had their brains washed, rinsed, conditioned, and put through some kind of mangle, then ironed, folded, and put in an airing cupboard: a mind airing cupboard... I'm drifting.




 * Professor Nebulous: There'll be no more government funding where you're going: prison.

Episode 2: Holofile 154: The Lovely Invasion

 * Professor Nebulous: Who knows what extraterrestrial horrors await us.
 * Jez: Hi there!
 * Sir Ronald: Men!? Beautiful, naked men!
 * Jez: We are the Lovely! My name's Jez, and I'm not afraid to show me emotions!
 * Leo: My name's Leo! I love all sport, especially your favourite sport!
 * P.Q.: Ermm... and I'm P.Q., the quiet one.




 * Sir Ronald: Before the Withering, this area was known as "The Midlands".
 * Professor Nebulous: The towns had beautiful, exotic names: Little Bloxwich, Willoughby and Warwick, which we believe was named after Dionne Warwick, the kingmaker.




 * Professor Nebulous: A glowing golden chamber suspended between two worlds which appears to go on forever? What's so impressive about that?




 * Professor Nebulous: In some countries, snoring is a sign of intelligence. America, for instance.

Episode 3: Holofile 722: The Dust Has Landed

 * Rory: These stains aren't just stubborn, they're intransigent, bordering on belligerent.




 * Professor Nebulous: Will you please listen to me, Sir Ronald. This dust isn't just something you can sweep under the carpet. Well, technically it is, but that's the problem. We need to confront it.
 * Sir Ronald: It's only dust, Nebulous! Surely a quick tidy up will do the job.
 * Professor Nebulous: I fear even a really good tidy up can't save us now. These are desperate times. Or have you spent so long behind your desk, you can't recognise it!
 * Sir Ronald: What, my desk?

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: They're neither lasers nor stasers, they are basers!
 * Paula: Amazingly broad knowledge you have.
 * Professor Nebulous: Oh, you're looking at the man who invented the baser - as a recycling aid for cutting up scrap metal. The baser: a hyper-caustic acid beam housed in a handy gun shaped dispenser. How could I have possibly known the military would turn it into a weapon?

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: Your plan simply doesn't hold water. In fact, it repels water... like a... duck... with a machine gun.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: I suppose now you've become sentient you'll want to move out of Edgware.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: Dust nearly caused a major ecological disaster.
 * Erica Flazenby: Yes. Thank goodness we're having it dumped in the Irish Sea.

Episode 4: Holofile 333: Madness Is a Strange Colour

 * Sir Ronald: One minute I'm in my office ordering the decriminalisation of Lego, the next minute I've gone insane!

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: It's just we heard you were on a meditative retreat away from life's strains and pressures, so we thought you'd appreciate a visit from a couple of work colleagues.
 * Paula: Look, I've brought you a framed photo of your office!

<hr width=50%>


 * Dr. Valerie Brunerberg: Take a seat, Professor.
 * Professor Nebulous: No thank you, I prefer to loom.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: Sir Ronald Rolands, a man who is currently suffering from schizopathic psychophrenia... of the mind.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: I'll see this factory closed down if it's the last thing I do... before the weekend.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: [After shooting Sir Ronald with a paint-ball gun] You'll feel tired and emulsional for a while....

Episode 5: Holofile 969: The Coincidence Machine

 * Professor Nebulous: I am inventing and patenting all the time, I invent in my sleep. I don't patent in my sleep, obviously: that's not legally binding.
 * Paula: Why, just last week, the professor perfected his new cloaking device!
 * Professor Nebulous: My new device can help a man on with his cloak at the speed of light.
 * Sir Ronald: Really, Nebulous! Who wears a cloak these days?
 * Professor Nebulous: Matadors! Port barons! And that colony of Scottish widows...

<hr width=50%>


 * Twin Prime Minister Korechi Yeshamato: We are sympathetic Professor. After all, we are not the ministers of evil!
 * Professor Nebulous: No, their visit's not till next week. I'm dreading that, I can tell you!

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous:...judging by those patches on your trousers you're urinating uncontrollably.
 * McQuasar: Aye, I've been using the patches for months, they're useless.

<hr width=50%>


 * McQuasar: But then, how random is random?
 * Professor Nebulous: A bit, but not very. Squared.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: I'm not saying they're deadly, but they are lethal and they can kill.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: Aha! As I anticipated, things have gone wildly beyond my control.

Episode 6: Holofile 237: The Man Who Polished The Sun

 * Professor Nebulous: Just discovered a disease which can only be caught anecdotally.
 * Sir Ronald: Tell me more!
 * Professor Nebulous: Do you want to be contaminated, man?!

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: I worked out Winslow's so rich he could afford to buy his own body weight in diamonds. Every hour, on the hour. For a whole week! Once a year. For the rest of his life. As a treat.

<hr width=50%>


 * Rory: Alright everybody, keep back, nothing to see here. Ooh, apart from the dead body, you should definitely have a look at that!

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: We've searched KENT H.Q. from top to bottom; no cranny unexamined, no nook unlooked-in.
 * Harry: If there was a secret listening device, we'd have found it by now!
 * Professor Nebulous: I felt sure we'd been penetrated by a bugger... I had this... tingling feeling.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: Doctor Klench is chap who came to a crossroads in life and took a turning marked evil. He put his foot to the accelerator and he’s not stopping. Not for pedestrians, not for a picnic, not for a toilet break, not… I’m drifting.

Episode 1: Holofile 023: The Deptford Wives

 * Professor Nebulous: We haven't seen slaughter like this since the Notting Hill Carnivore.

<hr width=50%>


 * Rory: 50ccs of truthpromptizol straight into his cerebral artery. He'll be singing like a mutant yoghurt.

<hr width=50%>
 * Professor Nebulous: Interesting... Almost too interesting...

<hr width=50%>


 * Dr Diplodocus: Over the years I've learned to plough my own furrow and not to listen to the naysayers.
 * Paula: What, you mean horses?

<hr width=50%>
 * Paula: [sound of a distant roar] What was that?
 * Professor Nebulous: I can't be certain, of course, but I think it was an unearthly roar.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: They're just clones. When you've seen them all you've seen one.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: I want you to listen to me very... very... s-l-o-w-l-y.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: As I anticipated, it's working better than I thought.

Episode 2: Holofile 993: The Buzzing

 * Rory:There's an old-fashioned country pub up the road with a thatched dome. Shall we go and knock back a few bevvies?
 * Professor Nebulous: Rory, it's 10 o'clock in the morning!
 * Rory: Got a watch, thanks.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: It might be murder. Or it could be something more sinister.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: As I anticipated this is far beyond anything I expected.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: Can't you see? Honey, wax, pollen, it all points to one thing.
 * Rory: Yeah. Rag week.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: I'd say they were roughly the size of a cricket ball swollen to twice it's normal size.

<hr width=50%>


 * Paula: Look, they're heading into that strange installation.
 * Rory: You know, I've never trusted strange installations.

<hr width=50%>


 * Gemini: Incoming report [...] Fatality in the Westminster Invert-o-dome.
 * Paula: Just the basic facts please Gemini.
 * Gemini: Man. Dead.

<hr width=50%>


 * Taron: Insects are the most industrious creatures on Earth... with the exception of the Bricklayer Owl.

<hr width=50%>


 * Taron: I do hope I'm not boring you.
 * Rory: [under his breath] Hope away.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: The Pollen Project? What's that? Some kind of... special... thing?

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: Mother Nature is a finely-balanced chess game which walks a narrow tightrope on a knife-edge!

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: I'd say they were the size of a slightly deflated beachball as seen through a large magnifying glass.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: The Withering has already occasioned many disturbing mutations. The hammer-head pony, the dogerpillar... [with evident distaste] bananas in pyjamas.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: Roughly the size of a three-storey dome shrunk down to the size of a double-decker heli-coach a foot taller than it should be.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: Rory and I shall break into HIVE under cover of afternoon, and... Wait. Better make it under cover of early evening. It'll be getting dark. No. Hang on. How about under cover of night. Then it'll be even darker.

<hr width=50%>


 * Taron: The land and zzky shall turn black with insectzzzz. Apart from the... red bitzz where... the ladybirdzzz... are.

<hr width=50%>


 * Rory: You know prof, there's a flaw in this plan.
 * Professor Nebulous: There's several. It's a floorplan.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: Failurisation is not in my vocabulary.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: Weapons are the last resort of the unarmed man.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: Don't be so childish, Rory.
 * Rory: I'm not being childish. You big poo head.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: Sounds like... equipment being smashed. Could it be retro-luddites living for futuristic nostalgia kicks?
 * Rory: What do you mean?
 * Professor Nebulous: I'm... not entirely sure.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: She's no more responsible for her actions than the drunkard who desires a kebab.

<hr width=50%>


 * Rory: Hurry, prof! She's got the strength of one and a half women!

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: Please, you must see reason, at least on a casual basis.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: You can no more live without your skin than a park-keeper can survive without tutting.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: Oh well. When the final end came, at least the men of Kent went down waving Sunday supplements in the air.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: Thou shalt not suffer a mutant to live. Unless they've got something useful, say, shovel hands, a beer bottle opening belly button, or free-standing genitalia.

Episode 3: Holofile 316: I, Nebulous

 * Rory: There were some [protesters] here earlier but they were dispersed with a shoving gas, then genetically mollified.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: But what are you doing here? It's invite only. Intrudulators get their heads kicked in. This is a peace conference after all.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: As I anticipated, I might have guessed.

<hr width=50%>


 * Klench: You're going to help me. Help... to death!

<hr width=50%>


 * Rory: Still no sign of the prof?
 * Paula: No, he's still not answering his mobile.
 * Harry: Or his pager. Or his digital ear trumpet.

<hr width=50%>


 * Paula: I am not simplistic, and anyone who says I am is... a bad person.

<hr width=50%>


 * Rory: It's the Sentient Candle of Luxembourg. He's... snuffed it.

<hr width=50%>
 * Professor Nebulous (in Klench's body): Believe me, he'll double-cross you soon. And if not soon, then soon-ish, or later. And if not later then a while later or not long after that, and if not then, then... I'm drifting...

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous (in Klench's body): Stop! This cannot happen. I've heard enough to know I've heard too much.

<hr width=50%>


 * Rory: Infernons, right, so what do they do? Do they infer things, or not infer things? ... Aaah, they burn things, like inferno...

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous (in Klench's body): Quick Rory! Don't let Klench get away!
 * Rory: Don't worry, he's going nowhere. And I'm going with him.

<hr width=50%>


 * Rory: Remember the Sequel Devils? They came back again. And again.
 * Paula: Each time less effective than the last.
 * Harry: What about the Prequeloids? We always knew how they'd end up.

Episode 4: Holofile 767: Destiny Of The Destinoyd

 * Professor Nebulous: Right, Paula. Fire Retro rockets.
 * Paula: Aye aye, Professor.
 * Professor Nebulous: Good. Now fire those more modern-looking rockets.

<hr width=50%>


 * Paula: I'm not an imbecile, despite what that report said. And that poster campaign.
 * Rory: Yeah, sorry about that.

<hr width=50%>


 * Paula: Rory, what do we do?
 * Rory: Mmm, it's probably one of those things that'll sort itself out, isn't it? [sound off: scream of agonising death] Ah.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: I've carried out a complete autopsy, yet I still can't determine what killed the man in the red top.
 * Harry: Surely it's obvious? His stomach has been slit wide open, and all his organs have been removed!
 * Professor Nebulous: No, that's the autopsy, I did that.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: [to Harry] Believe me, I'd love to hand this man's vital organs to you in a bucket, but it leans toward unethical.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: Franibelle's an amazing woman. She's absolutely... er, clever. Clever.
 * Paula: I think clever women are stupid!

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: Got some zero-gravity confetti here. Mixture of feathers and hammers.

<hr width=50%>


 * Harry: We can't interfere with the ignition sequence!
 * Rory: I know, it's had a child-lock fitted.

Episode 5: Holofile 840: Tempus Fugitive

 * Professor Nebulous: I'm afraid as director of KENT I'm unlikely to be allowed a holiday. Even a working holiday. And certainly not right now. [fx: telephone rings, and is picked up]. KENT.
 * Sir Ronald: Sir Ronald Rolands here. I want you to take a holiday -- a working holiday -- right now, in the far distant future.
 * Professor Nebulous: I'm sorry?
 * Sir Ronald: Or perhaps in the far distant past, right now.
 * Professor Nebulous: Sir Ronald, have you gone stark raving paradoxical?

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: Time travel perfected! As I anticipated it's happened sooner than I thought. Time isn't a straight line, you know. It's more like... like a sandwich, with a slice of past, a slice of future, and a rich, creamy filling of now. And a side order of infinity from the salad bar. Then drizzled with virgin pressed olive oil from... I... I'm drifting.
 * Paula: I've met someone in the past! Yesterday in fact!
 * Rory: But surely it's an impossibility. If people could come back from the future, we'd have noticed them. And chased them with guns.
 * Professor Nebulous: Some believe history is littered with evidence of time travellers. Men who came from the future and tried to enlighten us: Da Vinci, Galileo, Barney The Dinosaur.

<hr width=50%>


 * Rory: Who is this Doctor Linda Adnil anyway. Some kind of recluse?
 * Professor Nebulous: Exactly. Her anonymity has made her famous.

<hr width=50%>


 * Paula: Professor, where are we?
 * Professor Nebulous: Apart from 2066, I'm not sure. Let me just check the readings on my understander... Aha. I'm picking up sawdust, greasepaint and over-priced fizzy drinks.
 * Paula: Could it be an undertaker's?

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: What I'm about to do is illogical, unethical and immoral. But it feels right.

<hr width=50%>


 * Harry: Look at the Lindas!
 * Professor Nebulous: They're... recombining.
 * Rory: I hope this is gonna be ok. She's been saying some weird things since we got back.
 * Professor Nebulous: Such as?
 * Harry: "All shall fear me!"
 * Professor Nebulous: Probably just high spirits.
 * Rory: Bollocks. Sir. She could quite easily turn out to be some kind of alien monster from Quadrant 10.
 * Paula: She's growing bigger. And bigger.
 * Linda: [sinister voice] Can you hear me, Nebulous?
 * Professor Nebulous: Er. Yes. Hello!
 * Linda: I am no mere human!
 * Rory: Oop. Told you.
 * Linda: My battleship exploded whilst in orbit around your world, and my being was splintered through time. I am a Lindalusian ultra-warrior from Quadrant 9!
 * Rory: Look, see? See? Told you.
 * Professor Nebulous: No, you said Quadrant 10.

Episode 6: Holofile 644: Last Of The Present Sirius

 * Harry: Has anybody seen the post?
 * Paula: I've just been through it. There wasn't anything for you, Harry.
 * Harry: DAAAAAMMMNNN!
 * Professor Nebulous: Don't worry, Harry! This is Britain -- there'll be another postal delivery next month!

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: As I anticipated, this is worse than I thought.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: You know, it really isn't necessary for me to be strapped into this chair. Honestly, it's years since I've fallen off a chair.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: I haven't felt this confused since I was awarded the Edward Woodward Woodwork Award.

Episode 1: Holofile 001: Genesis Of The Aftermath

 * Professor Nebulous: We face excessive peril, bloody violence, and one instance of strong language, so the public doesn't have to. Why, the sheer amount of paranormal activity in the Cardiff area alone is starting to threaten the Earth's plausibility shield!

<hr width=50%>


 * Klench: Come for tea and home-made cakes. I'm at Honey Tree Cottage, 3 Bunny Blossom Lane"
 * Professor Nebulous: This couldn't sound any more sinister.

<hr width=50%>


 * Paula: I'm not irritating. Not not not not not not not not irritating. Not not...

<hr width=50%>


 * Harry: He'd already swapped the Isle of Man with the Isle of Dogs, and nobody seemed to mind. Or notice.

<hr width=50%>
 * Klench: You mean the time-travelling gay and lesbian alliance?
 * Professor Nebulous: The Time-Benders, yes.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: Wait. Have I the right to alter history? Surely that's the sole province of used car salesmen?

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: As I anticipated this has come right out of the blue.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: My knowledge is so vast, even I don't understand it all.

<hr width=50%>


 * Klench: Are you quite sure of that?
 * Professor Nebulous: I've never been more quite sure.

Episode 2: Holofile 551: The Past Must Be Destroyed

 * Sir Ronald: Several of Bridgeoxton's most learned lecturers have disappeared.
 * Professor Nebulous: I see.
 * Rory: Did they disappear under straightforward circumstances?
 * Sir Ronald: No, mysterious ones.
 * Rory: Ah. But they did disappear with trace, right?
 * Sir Ronald: No, without trace.
 * Rory: Damn!

<hr width=50%>


 * Paula: I think learning makes people stupid.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: Petersen, eh? I read his paper "The importance of absolute accuracy" only last year. Or was it the year before? Actually I'm thinking of a different Petersen.

<hr width=50%>


 * person: Excuse me, would you like to sign up for the University Dramatic Society?
 * Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! THHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNKKKKKKK!!! YYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: I imagine those strange-looking objects are the Tutorianators, eh?
 * Dean Geraldine: Those are radiators. The two scarlet metal monoliths are the Tutorianators.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: You're a man after my own heart.
 * Harry: That's right. When will you be finished with it?

<hr width=50%>


 * Paula: Wow! What are those amazing-looking objects?
 * Professor Nebulous: Never mind the radiators, look at the scarlet monoliths!

<hr width=50%>


 * Rory: They just vanished into thin air!
 * Professor Nebulous: [childishly] I know, I was watching!

<hr width=50%>


 * Paula: Where is this place?
 * Harry: Well Paula, if I didn't know better, and I don't, I'd say we'd been transported back to pre-historic times, which is bound to be bad for my Agony.
 * Paula: Wait. I'm not so sure this is the past. Look around you! This could quite easily be a modern-day quarry, I don't believe we're in pre-historic times at all.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: There's still eight and a half things I don't understand. Firstly, why would a Dean transport members of staff back to the time of the dinosaurs? Wait! Is it an exchange trip? Are giant lizards going to start lecturing at the university?

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: As I suspected, this is news to me.

<hr width=50%>
 * Rory: What's happening?
 * Professor Nebulous: The Tutorianators are feeding back on themselves, and it's creating a wormhole in the spacetime contwidlium. I'm guessing obviously, it could be something entirely different.

<hr width=50%>


 * Harry: What happened to all those teachers who were trapped in pre-historic times?
 * Professor Nebulous: I'm afraid they must suffer the worst fate of all. They're working at a Steiner school.

Episode 3: Holofile 013: The Girl With The Liquid Face

 * Sir Ronald: What kept you?
 * Professor Nebulous: Travel by Transmat is highly complex, sir. Our bodies were reduced to billions of molecules, transported here via zeta wave then instantly reassembled. Unfortunately, due to engineering works, a portion of our journey was by special bus.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: No, Rory, I don't want to resort to the hypno-ray.
 * Rory: [fx] [hypnotic voice] You can't wait to resort to the hypno-ray...
 * Professor Nebulous: Switch that off!

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: Wait! They're completely motionless! Almost too completely motionless!

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: We know humans can drown in as little as two inches of water. Is it so far-fetched to imagine we can drown in no water at all?

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: The real question isn't how did they drown. It's why did they drown? And more importantly, how?

<hr width=50%>


 * Klench: A bubble-bath that attacks the central nervous system. They call it Deci-Matey.

<hr width=50%>


 * Paula: Do you like my one-piece bikini?
 * Professor Nebulous: Er, it's er, super, Paula, but I'll have to insist you wear a second piece on your bottom half.
 * Paula: Only if you promise to help me build a sandcastle!
 * Professor Nebulous: Paula, this is a top secret mission, not some family outing!
 * Harry: Are we nearly there yet?
 * Professor Nebulous: [long-suffering] No.

<hr width=50%>


 * Paula: Didn't you hear my name being chanted by a spectral voice, with a weird effect on it?

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: A fabulous coral city under a huge glass dome! It can only be: Atlantis!
 * Harry: What's that sign say?
 * Professor Nebulous: "The Lost City of S... Sheffield welcomes careful floaters - Atlantis six miles further on."

<hr width=50%>


 * Rory: Right Sir Ronald, a fresh batch of delegates should be transmatting in any time now.
 * Sir Ronald: Remember Mr Lawson, we must make them feel relaxed, and very very important.
 * Rory: I know. I placed a complimentary mint on their chairs. Ooh, and I removed the corpses of the previous delegates. These little things make all the difference.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: As I anticipated I am completely taken aback.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: Not a day goes by when I don't regret my error. Except for Saint Amnesia's Day, obviously.

<hr width=50%>


 * Sir Ronald: Nebulous was hurled into a limitless chasm of inexorable doom.
 * Paula: So when do you think he'll be back?

Episode 4: Holofile 959: We, Nebulous

 * Roboscrew: Printing out conviction sheet.
 * Paula: Let me see that [fx: rips]. Four counts of handling counterfeit realities. Three counts of brain rustling. Two counts of time felch.
 * Rory: That all? Not exactly ultra-violence is it?
 * Paula: Six counts of ultra-violence.
 * Rory: Right.
 * Paula: And ultra-drunk, and mega-disorderly conduct.
 * Rory: Ah. And countless counts of counting with illegal numbers. Including efleven, twoteen and sifty-sive.

<hr width=50%>


 * Paula: Isn't setting free all the galaxy's most evil masterminds a teeny bit terrifying?
 * Rory: Mmhm, don't forget I'll still have the hammer.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: As I anticipated my plan worked better than I expected.

<hr width=50%>


 * Paula: I'm so relieved I could tense up!

<hr width=50%>


 * Rory: I'm not wasting any more time. I'm going to start digging a tunnel with this plastic spoon.

Episode 5: Holofile 011: Rebel Without A Cortex

 * Professor Nebulous: My apologies, Sir Ronald, I'm afraid we took a wrong turning and ended up in Quantumshire.
 * Sir Ronald: Quantumshire?
 * Professor Nebulous: It's just West of East, on the South North border.
 * Paula: We got stuck on the one-way system, going both ways.
 * Rory: Still, the future's lovely there, this time of last year.
 * Harry: I was carsick. In a hat.

<hr width=50%>


 * Paula: What are those canisters for, Professor?
 * Professor Nebulous: They contain something I invented to break the ice at parties: Rumourzol 55 - a gossip gas. But the military want to use it for interrogation work. I say that's highly irresponsible.
 * Rory: Right. So you're dumping it in space.
 * Professor Nebulous: Precisely.

<hr width=50%>


 * Rory: I hate boredom. Much prefer tedium.

<hr width=50%>


 * Professor Nebulous: Rory, under no circumstances are you to visit the prisoners again.
 * Rory: Huh?
 * Professor Nebulous: You're far too suggestible, and I am impeaching your motives. [The Professor leaves the room]
 * Rory: Huh. I am not suggestible. D'you know, I really fancy some peaches.

<hr width=50%>


 * Rory: I like this one bit. In fact, no, I don't like this one bit.

Episode 6: Holofile 703: Us And Phlegm

 * Harry: Afternoon, Rory.
 * Rory: I'd invite you in, but I've got Serious Illness Syndrome.
 * Harry: I know. I've brought you this pill. It contains the pleasure you'd get from a bunch of petrol station flowers. And this is a ticket to a lecture by a man who's actually seen some grapes.
 * Rory: Oh. Someone with a good manners implant will send you a thanks text.

<hr width=50%>


 * Gemini: A giant chalk man has burst from the Shropshire earth, and is dancing to loud blip-hop, public school, and chasm & bass.
 * Professor Nebulous: Seasonal thing. Every third spring the giant chalk man of Shrewsbury rises up for its triannual breakdance. How else can it attract a mate? The giant granite floozy of Stourbridge doesn't go off with just anyone.

<hr width=50%>


 * Rory: Oh, thank Bod that leprosy's over. I'll be as good as new once I've superglued my forearms back on.

<hr width=50%>


 * Harry: Rory! Rory! Can you hear me! Oh my Bod, Rory. Rory! Can you hear me! RORY! Maybe I should take his headphones off. [does so] Rory! Can you hear me!
 * Rory: Yes, don't shout! Just checking out the new Jessica Fahfrahnfrah single "I've got a hideous bunch of coconuts"
 * Harry: I thought you were dying!
 * Rory: I was. I had incurable toxergic plague, but, er, cleared up nicely. So Harry, what are you suffering from at the mo?
 * Harry: I am now experiencing an agony which extends into all infinity... and environs.
 * Rory: Mmm. That sounds like a bit of a faff.

<hr width=50%>


 * Rory: Looks like I've completely run out of Prozac and Crunchy Nut Prozac.
 * Harry: What about this? Thozac - the strongest non-prescription placebo available. You've got hundreds of them!
 * Rory: They were on special offer at the Placebo Gazebo. Oh! Damn! They've gone past their Deceive By date.

<hr width=50%>
 * Nebulous: My brain is like Fire and Ice.
 * Phlegmbian: Your brain is like tepid water?
 * Nebulous: Tepid like the fox! On this world I am known as the oncoming drizzle.

<hr width=50%>
 * Doctor Beep: Death always triumphs in the end. So, I decided to throw my lot in with disease and death. The pay's only so-so but at the end of the day, you know you've made a difference.
 * Professor Nebulous: I see. So you joined the Harmy Army. Then somehow you discovered the Phlegmbians.
 * Doctor Beep: We share the same accountant.
 * Professor Nebulous: And together you're intent on taking over the whole human race. Commencing, for whatever reason, with Great Britain.
 * Doctor Beep: Funnily enough, that's a tax thing.

<hr width=50%>
 * Harry: So how do you feel now?
 * Rory: I feel... pretty good actually. Yeah. Yeah, I feel perfectly normal... I think I've got some tablets for that in the medicine cupboard.