Never Give a Sucker an Even Break

Never Give a Sucker an Even Break is a 1941 film about a man who wants to sell a film story to Esoteric Studios. On the way he gets insulted by little boys, beat up for ogling a woman, and abused by a waitress.
 * Directed by Edward F. Cline. Written by Prescott Chaplin, W.C. Fields (as Otis Criblecoblis), and John T. Neville.

The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill

 * [to a pretty girl] Hi ya tootie-pie. Everything under control? [the girl's boyfriend punches him] All five of 'em hit me at once.


 * [after a waitress pours water in his lap] No extra charge for the cold shower I hope.


 * I don't know why I ever come in here - The flies get the best of everything.


 * [about a large Turkish passenger] Do you travel as one person or do you get a party rate of ten?


 * [offering a cure for insomnia] Get plenty of sleep. That's what the doctor told me.


 * [after falling from a plane, and landing on a mattress] Why didn't I think of that parachute? What a bump!


 * [to Gloria Jean] Don't you want to live in this beautiful nest, have a personal maid, wear a diaphanous gown, and eat regularly?


 * I feel as though somebody stepped on my tongue with muddy feet.


 * There's no sense arguing with a woman.


 * Lucky we didn't have an accident...We'd never have made it.

Mr. Pangborn

 * This script is an insult to a man's intelligence - even mine...It's impossible, inconceivable, incomprehensible, and besides that, it's no good. And as for the continuity, it's terrible.


 * Marvelous. Wonderful. Amazing. The girl has been living on a mountaintop since she was three months old and for no reason at all, suddenly blossoms out with Jump and Jive. Do you actually think I'm a dope? Now don't you answer that.

Others

 * Peter Carson: If that girl is as beautiful as you say, I'll scale the wall tomorrow.


 * Ouliotta Delight Hemoglobin: [after kissing Peter Carson] You must be a professional.


 * Gloria Jean: My Uncle Bill...But I still love him.

Dialogue

 * Fields (to a heckling youngster): You're about to fall heir to a kitten stocking.
 * Kid: What's a kitten stocking?
 * Fields: A sock on the puss!


 * Fields: Is there any goulash on this menu?
 * Waitress: [wiping a spot off the menu] It's roast beef gravy.


 * Waitress: And another thing. You're always squawking about something. If it isn't the steak, it's something else.
 * Fields: I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
 * Waitress: You're as funny as a cry for help.
 * Fields: You used to be an old Follies girl?
 * Waitress: You know, there's something awfully big about you. [pause] Your nose.
 * Fields: [Looking at her rear end] There's something awfully big about you too.


 * Waitress: And another thing, don't be so free with your hands.
 * Fields: Listen honey. I was only trying to guess your weight. You take things too seriously.


 * Receptionist: [talking on the phone] You big hotty-dottie. You smoke vile cigars all day and drink whiskey half the night. Someday, you'll drown in a vat of whiskey.
 * Fields: Drown in a vat of whiskey. Death where is thy sting?


 * Flight Attendant: Are you air sick?
 * Fields: Somebody put too many olives in my martinis last night.


 * Gloria Jean: Why didn't you ever marry?
 * Fields: I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.


 * Ouliotta: Are you really a man?
 * Fields: Well, I've been called other things.


 * Mrs. Hemoglobin: Men. Men. They're all alike. They'll deceive you as your father did me. He kissed a chorus girl and when I found out he said, 'Oh, I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing.'
 * Ouliotta: Do you think he drinks?
 * Mrs. Hemoglobin: He didn't get that nose from playing ping-pong.


 * Peter Carson: [about Mrs. Hemoglobin] She has a bank roll so big a greyhound couldn't leap over it.
 * Fields: She seemed like an awfully nice woman to me.


 * Gloria Jean: We're falling two thousand feet!
 * Fields: All right, dear. Don't start worrying until we get down to one-thousand, nine-hundred, and ninety-nine. It's the last foot that's dangerous.


 * Gloria Jean: But how can you look out for me when I'm here and you're way down there?
 * Fields: You want to go to school, don't you?...You want to grow up and be dumb like ZaSu Pitts?


 * Radio report: ...two crooks who have just held up the bank for one hundred and fifty thousand...that is all.
 * Fields: That is all? A hundred and fifty thousand. That's all. It ain't hay, is it?
 * Radio report: ...One crook - slight build, evidently a jockey, has a horse scar behind his left ear...other crook has corn teeth, cauliflower ear, apple-red cheeks, mutton-chop whiskers.
 * Fields: Sounds like a full-course dinner to me! What? No apple pie?

Cast

 * W.C. Fields - The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill
 * Gloria Jean - His Niece, Gloria Jean
 * Leon Errol - His Rival, Leon Errol
 * Margaret Dumont - Mrs. Hemoglobin
 * Susan Miller - Ouliotta Delight Hemoglobin
 * Franklin Pangborn - The Producer, Mr. Pangborn
 * Mona Barrie - The Producer's Wife, Mrs. Pangborn
 * Charles Lang - Peter Carson, the Young Engineer