Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica

Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica is a reality television show on MTV that follows the daily lives of singers Jessica Simpson and former 98 Degrees member Nick Lachey, a celebrity musical artist couple married in October 2002. The show first aired in August 2003 and ran through March 2005, for a total of three seasons and 41 episodes.

Newlyweds Clean House [1.01]
[Nick and Jessica are sitting on the couch and watching sports on TV while eating tuna for lunch]
 * Jessica: Is this chicken I have or is it fish? I know it's tuna, but it says chicken... by the sea... is that stupid?

[Long pause, with Nick giving Jessica a dirty look]
 * Jessica: What?! Don’t make fun of me right now; I’m not in the mood.
 * Nick: You act like you’ve never had tuna before.
 * Jessica: I’ve had tuna fish, like, sandwiches and stuff, like this...
 * Nick: Baby, you and I have eaten tuna like this before.
 * Jessica: Why is it called "Chicken by the Sea" or "in the Sea"?
 * Nick: "Chicken of the Sea" is the brand.
 * Jessica: Oh...
 * Nick: You know, 'cause a lot of people eat tuna, it's like a lot of people eat chicken? So it's like the chicken of the sea.
 * Jessica: Okay. I understand now. I was-I read it wrong... [giggles]

The Dancers [1.02]
[Nick and Jessica are in their hotel room with Jessica's mother]
 * Jessica: I just wanna lay here and like watch a movie or something, 'cause I'm so tired...
 * Nick: There might be a basketball game in a little bit...
 * Jessica: No, I said watch a movie.
 * Nick: There might be a basketball game in a little bit...
 * Jessica: No, I said watch a movie.
 * Nick: That's like a movie...
 * Jessica's mom: It can't be.
 * Jessica: Mm-Mm.
 * Nick: There's all kinds of drama in basketball...
 * Jessica: Well, I mean-I mean, if Teen Wolf was on, I'd watch that.
 * Nick: Well, you can watch a movie, I'll go next door with the dancers, and we'll watch basketball.
 * Jessica's mom: Ohhhhh, ohhhhh, ohhhhh, that's so good!
 * Nick: They love watching basketball with me.

Newlyweds Go Camping [1.03]

 * Jessica: I take my bag everywhere I go; every single place I go. You know, it's my pet; pet Louis. I don't know, is that weird, taking my Louis Vuitton bag camping?


 * Jessica: I have bubbles in my tummy, I think. I need to stretch.
 * Lea: Oh, so you're gonna go in the tent and fart, is that what you're saying?
 * Jessica: No, it's just air, it's not stink.
 * Drew and Lea: Right, right, right.
 * Jessica: Promise.
 * Drew: I tried that one all the time.

Newlyweds Go Golfing [1.04]

 * Jessica:My boobs are in the way, My boobs make a curve.


 * Jessica Simpson: What if I accidentally hit somebody? Because my dad took one of his friends golfing, and it was, like, one of his first times and he knocked out a duck. Like, I'm scared that's going to happen.

The Platypus [1.05]
[Jessica and her friend are in the car; Jessica is behind the wheel and is having a hard time trying to close her garage door before they leave]
 * Jessica: I'm not gonna hit anybody, right? Alright, let's get out of here. [tries to open the garage door with the remote, but it won't move] Again? Why is my thing... [tries again] Oh, please!
 * Lea: It was doing this the other day, wasn't it?
 * Jessica: [continuing to struggle with her garage door remote after the door goes up and then down] What? That was weird...

 [Nick and Jessica are at an amusement park, and playing a carnival game; Nick ends up winning a stuffed platypus doll for Jessica]
 * Jessica: Isn't it plat-a-ma-pus, or is it platypus?
 * Nick: It's not a plat-a-ma-pus, it's a platypus.
 * Jessica: Oh, I always thought it was a platypus; I always thought it was plat-a-ma-pus.
 * Nick: That's something else.
 * Jessica: I got a platypus!

 [Nick, Jessica, and their friends are getting out of their SUV to go to a nightclub party; one of their friends farted, and it had everybody else moaning and gasping for air]
 * Drew: Ugh, aw, oh...
 * Jessica: He had gas issues all over the place...
 * Lea: They all had gas issues...
 * Drew: Oh, Eric, you stink! You're a rotten-aw man, you...

 [Jessica, Lea, and Katie are eating brunch]
 * Jessica: I'm think I need to go... drop some kids into the pool.
 * Katie: Oh, come on, you know some of us are still trying to eat. The pool's closed. It's adult swim.
 * Jessica: I'll give 'em an adult.

[They all laugh as Jessica departs to use the bathroom]

Newlyweds on Vacation [1.06]
[Nick, Jessica, Drew, and Lea are looking at dolphins]
 * Jessica: They have holes in their heads?
 * Lea: Yes, they do!

 [Nick, Jessica, Drew, and Lea are eating dinner at a restaurant]
 * Lea: [referring to the buffalo wings on the table] Try these?
 * Jessica: I don't eat buffalo.
 * Lea: It's not buffalo, you idiot! Oh my god...
 * Jessica: It's not?
 * Lea: No, it's chicken!
 * Jessica: Well, it's-then, why do they call it buffalo wings?
 * Nick: Baby, come on, you know it.
 * Jessica: I don't know this!
 * Drew: 'Cause barbecue wings started in Buffalo, or something like that... You don't find it weird that buffaloes don't have wings?
 * Jessica: Never thought about it.

Newlyweds Decorate [1.07]

 * Jessica: I'm not a good tryer-clothers-er-on-er; my stylists hate me; I mean, they love me, of course, but I always complain.

The Video Shoot [1.08]

 * Jessica: You married me.
 * Nick: Don't remind me!

Newlyweds Birthday [1.09]

 * Jessica: Twenty-three is old. It's almost 25, which is almost mid-20s.

Jessica Cooks Dinner [1.10]

 * Jessica: Lea had dinner on the table, and I had dinner in grocery sacks. I'm sorry.

Unidentified episodes

 * Jessica: Ooh, I love this scent.
 * Lea: What is it?
 * Jessica: Do you remember what scent this is? [reads label] Ah...oh, it says it's unscented...


 * Jessica: What does it mean when you take a really big breath and it hurts? [inhales big] It hurts really bad right here.
 * Nick: It means you shouldn't talk for a day and a half.

 [Jessica tries to tuck in her napkin]
 * Jessica: Not there.
 * Nick: Oh, I'm sorry.
 * Jessica: You'll mess up my cleavage.
 * Nick: Impossible.


 * Nick: Do you remember, right after we got married - I tried to get some in the car and you weren't having it?
 * Jessica: Well, no! I wanted my first time to be in a bed. You think I'd wait that long and then go at it in a car? Ew.

 [Nick and Jessica are getting out of their car]
 * Jessica: Why don't you open the car door for me anymore? At the begining of our marriage, you were so eager to open the door for me.
 * Nick: Because at the beginning of our marriage, I got laid.


 * Jessica: Well, I'm gonna take a shower. And wash off everybody's foot jam.
 * Nick: [snickers] Foot- foot jam?
 * Jessica: Yeah, I mean, I was in a pool of water all day long that everybody's feet was in.
 * Nick: Isn't it toe jam?
 * Jessica: Whatever.

 [Nick, Jessica, and their family and friends are riding in the car]
 * Jessica: You know what I did in 7th grade history? The history teacher was asking people if they knew all the continents, and I was so excited; I was like, "Damn it, it's the first day of 7th grade, I'm in junior high, and I know this answer!", and I raised my hand; I was the first one, and I said, "A-E-I-O-U!"

[A friend laughs]
 * Nick: Mind you, those aren't even consonants! They're vowels!

 [Nick and Drew both notice a bad smell in the foyer and accuse each other of farting, but then Drew sees Jessica coming out of the bathroom, indicating that she stunk up the bathroom so bad that the smell seeped out and spread into the foyer]
 * Nick: [reacting with surprise and shock after Drew tells him that Jessica had just stunk up the bathroom really bad] Jessica-it was Jessica?!
 * Drew: [nods his head with amusement and points to Jessica with his thumb] She's there... [walks away laughing]

[Nick shakes his head in disbelief and walks over to Jessica to confront her just as she enters the foyer]
 * Nick: Baby, what did you do...? I was-I just thought Drew farted out here... oh my gosh... [he and Jessica head for the bathroom while Jessica giggles in amusement and tries to act innocent] Turn this-there's a fan; turn the fan on!
 * Jessica: [not wanting to take responsibility for the smell] But baby, I didn't see any fan in there!
 * Nick: [after inhaling the smell directly at its source] OH MY GOD!!!!! Oh-ho... [Nick and Jessica turn around and quickly head away from the bathroom; Jessica giggles while Nick holds his nose and slams the bathroom door behind them, and then walks back into the foyer while gagging and gasping for air, and then points the finger of shame at Jessica] You should be ashamed of yourself!
 * Jessica: [proud of the nasty smell she produced in the bathroom and amused at Nick's reaction to it] I don't feel good.
 * Nick: Obviously, I don't either anymore... [Jessica playfully slaps Nick on his arm] God... [points in the direction of where Drew just went off to] I just thought I asked Drew if he farted; he was like "you sure you didn't?"! [grossed out, embarrassed, and astonished that his wife could produce such an awful smell, he bends over and puts his head down] Mmmmmm...

[Jessica walks away laughing and Nick heads to the foyer doors and starts swaying one from side-to-side to fan the air and deodorize the area]
 * Nick: Open that door and open this one; good God!