Night Court (2023 TV series)

Night Court (2023–present) is an American television multi-camera sitcom, airing on NBC, about the night shift of a Manhattan court, presided over by Abby Stone. It is a reboot of Night Court, which aired from January 4, 1984 to May 31, 1992.

Pilot [1.01]

 * [First lines of the series]
 * Abby: Wow, that was a tricky clasp.


 * Abby: Okay, so who threw the first punch?
 * Grant, Brant: [At the same time]
 * [each pointing to the other]
 * Grant, Brant: He did!
 * [they face one another, pointing at themselves]
 * Grant, Brant: I did?
 * [then pointing to one another again]
 * Grant, Brant: YOU DID!


 * Dan Fielding: Afraid to open a box. Huh. Well, this place hasn't changed, right down to the guy fishing dead birds out of the ceiling. Hey, you know what? I wanted to ask you something. Say a lifetime ago, you worked with a guy, right? Had your ups and downs, but on the whole, like each other, respected, even. The job ends. You go your separate ways. Life happens. You live and you love. And you lose, big time, so you close off your heart. Then one day, the child of that almost forgotten guy comes to you and asks for your help. Would you take the chance? Would you... open that heart up again, let feelings in, knowing that undoubtedly, it would hurt again at some point?


 * Dan Fielding: And that is why I don't open up to people. But I am not afraid to open a box.
 * [Dan Fielding opens the box with his hands. Snakes jump out of the box.]
 * Dan Fielding: Oh! Harry! Okay. I'll think about it.

The Nighthawks [1.02]

 * Dan Fielding: Twenty bucks.
 * Donna Gurgs: Fifty. Or I'll do it for free if you can tell me my name.
 * Dan Fielding: You are... getting fifty bucks.


 * [Neil pulls the chandelier out of the ceiling with his hands. A swarm of pigeons are flying around the courtroom.]
 * Donna Gurgs: We destroyed their home, and now they're coming for ours!
 * Dan Fielding: If it makes you feel any better, your dad used to make birds appear in this courtroom all the time! I think I recognize one of them!

Just Tuesday [1.03]

 * Abby: Hey, everyone, I'm glad you're all here. There's something I wanted to talk to you about. Is it about where you're hiding the treats?


 * Dan Fielding: Yes, you know, they have this intricate system of locks and bars to make sure none of us leave.

Dan v. Dating [1.04]

 * Dan Fielding: My late wife, Sarah, was in recovery for a few years even before we met, and she was always adamant about being of service to others. I often thought that she went too far. I was selfish. I wanted her to be with me. But I soon realized that it was as much, if not more, for her than it was for those other folks. And when she couldn't help someone find their way, it weighed on her. Maybe like this has been weighing on you.
 * Abby: What was she in recovery for?
 * Dan Fielding: Booze.
 * Abby: Me, too. How did you...
 * Dan Fielding: "Defects of character". Plus, now I remember you once called a surprise party a "birthday intervention".


 * Abby: Thanks, Dan.
 * Dan Fielding: And you know what? Think about it. You were right. Graziano wasn't a criminal.
 * Abby: So if I was right, that means that you...
 * Dan Fielding: Don't! Don't finish that. Now, if you don't mind, my time in the clink has made me rather hungry. Too hungry to ask.

The Apartment [1.05]

 * Dan Fielding: He's not coming down, is he?
 * Abby: Something came up at work, so he had to cancel. You know, it's actually better, because I am gonna start planning how to decorate the apartment. I'm gonna get the floor plans, and I'm gonna start measuring, so...
 * Dan Fielding: You don't have to do that. You don't have to always try and find the positive spin. You're allowed to be mad.
 * Abby: I think it's better to put positive energy out there.


 * Dan Fielding: You know what? Let's try something for the next few minutes. Just allow yourself to be angry.
 * Abby: No, I don't think...
 * Dan Fielding: No, just try it.
 * Abby: No, it's just not how I...
 * Dan Fielding: Just try it.
 * Abby: Would you stop interrupting me?! I have enough going on already! Nothing is going how I planned! My apartment makes me smell disgusting! I have to eat chicken breakfast at 4:00 in the afternoon! I can't unsubscribe from any e-mail list, which has nothing to do with the move, but it's very frustrating!
 * Dan Fielding: Anything else?
 * Abby: And Rand isn't here! I want him to be here to help me with this stuff! And, no, I know it's not totally fair to make him uproot his life just for me to pursue a dream, but, ugh, I want it anyway!

Justice Buddies [1.06]

 * Dan Fielding: Don't you think it's a huge mistake bringing children to the court? And Earth in general.
 * Abby: This is our chance to inspire the next generation of judges and lawyers. Like when my dad came for career day, he did a presentation and mixed in some magic. He brought the house down. Made the book fair look like total trash.


 * Abby and Donna Gurgs: Welcome, Justice Buddies!
 * Dan Fielding: If there's one thing I know about this generation, it's they love a banner.


 * Abby: Mr. Fielding, would you like to meet your Justice Buddy?
 * Dan Fielding: I reject the premise that I have a Justice Buddy.

Train Court [1.07]

 * [first lines]
 * Abby: Alright, everybody, it's court o'clock, and you made it during Abby Hour. All decisions half-price.


 * Dan Fielding: A mini-horse. Nay, a seeing-eye mini-horse. And according to New York vs. Pongo, mini-horses are allowed on public transit.
 * Abby: Obviously, I gotta get a look at this guy.
 * [A horse is in the courtroom.]
 * Abby: Upstate, I used to guess horse sizes at the county fair. And that one is a "big".
 * Dan Fielding: Your Honor, um, I call for a mistrial. I've just learned that the defendant and Ms. Moore have an existing relationship. They share a daily commute, the 5:42 downtown 6 train at Hunter College Station.
 * Abby: Slow down. I think we just blew right past the big news here.


 * Dan Fielding: Well, you're not helping. You know what? We just plead guilty. How do you put up with her?

Blood Moon Binga [1.08]

 * Abby: And it's attempted murder because?
 * Dan Fielding: They're vampires.


 * Abby: I'm going to be honest. I don't care about garlic or virgins. But I am very excited to hear that the Barenaked Ladies are back together. At the end of the day, you 2 found someone who accepts you for who you are. That's special and worth fighting for. And since this is your first offense, the state is willing to drop the charges if you agree to couples counseling. Before you say "no", remember, you're only one "yes" away from the rest of your life.

Two Peas on a Pod [1.09]

 * Abby: Oh, Dan, good. I need your opinion on something. I've been listening to my voice, and is this really what I sound like?
 * Announcer: (high-pitched voice) 4 score and 7 years ago, our forefathers brought forth on this continent...


 * Dan Fielding: No, no. Listen to me. You can't do the interview. As a matter of fact, you have to bar that podcast crew from the courthouse.
 * Abby: Why would I do that?
 * Dan Fielding: When I was listing my many accomplishments, I may have implicated myself in just a smidge of malfeasance. I started talking about cocaine a lot. Now Remecca's out to take me down.

Marathon-Thon-Thon-Thon-Thon [1.10]

 * Dan Fielding: Well, um, look, I didn't want to have to do this, but I've run out of options. I need you to use your judicial powers to declare a piece of furniture my emotional support bench.
 * Abby: Do I look like a local radio DJ to you? 'Cause I don't take requests! Very sorry. I'm just coming down from beast mode.
 * Dan Fielding: This is why the only marathon I've done is 50 back-to-back episodes of Monk on the USA Network.
 * Abby: The marathon isn't to blame for this, I am. I became a version of myself I didn't like very much, and I'm not even talking about the version that gave me a herniated disc. I didn't like the one that felt that she needed Rand's advice to make friends. I think since I moved down here, I've been able to do things my way, and I liked it.
 * Dan Fielding: If you know the kind of person that you want to be, you're miles ahead of most of the people on this planet. Yeah, sure, it might be difficult adjusting to the fact that, since you moved, things are changing. Probably difficult for Rand, too. Gotta figure out how he fits into your new life.
 * Abby: He definitely doesn't fit into the jeans he got in the Meatpacking District.
 * Dan Fielding: Change is part of life. You either accept it, or one day a guy tries to take your bench away, and you briefly consider dressing it up like a very tall, weird-looking man and sneaking it past a near-sighted maintenance worker.
 * Abby: Is that a metaphor?
 * Dan Fielding: I wish it were.


 * Abby: I mean, it's insane. He just lights up when you're around.
 * Rand: Hey, I'm really sorry I made you do beast mode. I just should've stayed out of it.
 * Abby: You were just trying to help. If Olivia doesn't want to be friends with me that does belly balloons, then I can live with that. Looks like I'm gonna be handing out water with you at the marathon.
 * Rand: Hey, Neil signed up, too. He's doing it to impress some girl he has a crush on. She has a boyfriend, but apparently he's, like, super tall and really annoying. But, uh, you know, Olivia will be happy to see us.
 * Abby: Wait. She told you she's still running?
 * Rand: Oh, whoa, whoa.
 * Abby: Then I'm running too.
 * Rand: You're in a lot of pain right now, aren't you?
 * Abby: Tremendous amount.

Ready or Knot [1.11]

 * Dan Fielding: In case you were worried, the Finkboners were married by a stripper/priest. It was beautiful.
 * Abby: I can't get everything I want.
 * Dan Fielding: Because your father isn't here.
 * Abby: I think that the real reason I haven't wanted to jump back into wedding planning. He was just so involved in all of it. He was gonna do magic. This thing where my finger would keep falling off right before Rand put a ring on it. It was gonna be epic.
 * Dan Fielding: Well, you know, big moments make us really miss those who are gone. It's inevitable. But you have to live your life. And it's time you start a life with "Again, Rand? Rand!". I mean, it's almost like a name, but not quite.
 * Abby: Isn't your real name Reinhold?
 * Dan Fielding: Uh-huh. Okay. So you know stuff.


 * Abby: What is this?
 * Dan Fielding: Well, Harry and I, all of us, really, we spent so much time downstairs in that courthouse that we would come up here for breaks, fresh air, and talk down the occasional jumper. I thought it might be a-a way to make you feel like your father was part of your wedding. I mean, plus, you can't beat the beautiful view that way. Don't look that way. Those people need to invest in some curtains.
 * Abby: It's perfect. Rand is gonna love it. I mean, he is terrified of heights, but it's time we work on that anyway. I'm not giving up roller coasters for anyone.

DA Club [1.12]

 * Abby: Okay, my presentation materials are running a little bit late, but I think we should just dive in. My first slide was a word cloud which I will now describe from memory.


 * Abby: Dan, what are you doing? I told you I got this.
 * Dan Fielding: Yes, I know. No, I'm just helping. Look, these guys are trickier than the cow tippers and Jet-Ski hooligans you dealt with upstate.
 * Abby: We have some tough customers back home. Biff Cratchit, Wink Honeycrisp, Colonel Ciderman.
 * Dan Fielding: Okay, fine, fine, fine, I don't need a rundown of the corn crime all-stars. I've known this guy for 30 years and you're not going to get any traction with him until you figure out what it is he wants from you.

Past Apps [1.13]

 * Dan Fielding: Alright, what the hell's going on?! I haven't seen you this worked up since they pulled the Shamrock Shake early.
 * Abby: It should be all of March. You just have to trust me. Investing in Brock's app is a bad idea. I can't say anything else about it.
 * Dan Fielding: Well, luckily you don't have to, because I'm a master at reading people, and you're a master at having absolutely no poker face.
 * Abby: I have a poker face. I just haven't showed it to you yet.
 * Dan Fielding: Alright, then. Have a seat. Now, I am going to ask you a series of questions. All you need to do is respond "no". Do you understand?

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 * Dan Fielding: Hey, you know what? It's worth the risk for me. You don't get a whole lot of billion-dollar ideas coming through here, you know.
 * Abby: But you're not just risking your own money. You're risking everyone else's. You're being selfish.
 * Dan Fielding: Oh, am I? Or maybe I'm being selfless, thinking that Brock may have changed, that he deserves a second chance, and all the other nonsense that you talk about.
 * Abby: You don't believe the nonsense I talk about.
 * Dan Fielding: No. No, I don't. But I do believe that one day, I could be so rich that I will never die.

When Abby Met Gabby [1.14]

 * Abby: Oh, by the way, I'm Abby.
 * Gabby: I'm Gabby.
 * Abby and Gabby: It's so nice to meet you!

The Honorable Dan Fielding, Part 1 [1.15]

 * Abby: A judgeship. It's an incredible opportunity.
 * Dan Fielding: Yeah, being a judge is kind of a dream I had given up on. Think about it. I've been judging people my entire life for free. Now I'm gonna get a paycheck for it.
 * Abby: I can't blame you for following your dream. It would inspire me to follow my dream, but my dream's impossible. I want to be a twin.
 * Dan Fielding: Truth is, I was a bit adrift before you came and dragged me out of retirement, forced me to take this job. So, thank you.

The Honorable Dan Fielding, Part 2 [1.16]

 * Dan Fielding: Okay, uh, you will not agree with everything I am going to say up there, but just know that I'm doing what is best for my client.
 * Abby: I trust you. It's why I brought you back here. You're the best lawyer I know, the best lawyer my dad knew.

A Night Court Before Christmas [2.01]

 * Dan Fielding: Oh, you think Santa and the elves are friends?
 * Abby: Santa, we have a special guest. We wouldn't want to spoil anything for her on the most magical night of the year.

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 * Dan Fielding: Well, it's gonna sound a lot like the song "Tequila" by The Champs.

The Roz Affair [2.02]

 * Dan Fielding: Hello, Roz.

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 * Roz: I worked in the court long enough to know. It's illegal to destroy evidence.
 * Dan Fielding: It's good to see you, Roz.
 * Roz: You too, Fielding.

Form Fetish [2.03]

 * Abby: Where is my gavel?

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 * Abby: It's not so bad. We're making it work.

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 * Dan Fielding: I'm not gonna fight.

Just the Fax, Dan [2.04]

 * Dan Fielding: You don't get to say what's cool.

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 * Abby: Don't listen to him. You're gonna love it here.

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 * Donna Gurgs: Yo! Where did that box of bees come from?! I counted 10, 20, 25, 30!
 * Abby: Do I hear 40? 40 bees!
 * [A swarm of bees are flying around the courtroom.]

Hold the Pickles, Keep the Change [2.05]

 * Dan Fielding: Would you stop that, please?!

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 * Wyatt Shaw: Hey, everyone!

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 * Olivia: You will never guess who is here.

Wrath of Comic-Con [2.06]

 * Abby: $7.00 and time served.

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 * Abby: Heather, so glad you're here! Take 5, everybody.

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 * Dan Fielding: (echoing) C-o-n-n-n-n-n-n-n!
 * [final lines]

A Crime of Fashion [2.07]

 * Wyatt Shaw: I'm standing right here.

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 * Martini: Thank you.

Broadway Danny Gurgs [2.08]

 * Abby: I'm sorry you're sad.

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 * Wyatt Shaw: I'm in the show!

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 * Donna Gurgs: Camouflage!

Taught and Bothered [2.09]

 * Abby: Another early one. All thanks to Wyatt!

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 * Wyatt Shaw: So I've heard.

Chips Ahoy [2.10]

 * Abby: Maybe work in a lag day.

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 * Dan Fielding: Which briefcase should I buy?

Wheelers of Fortune [2.11]

 * Abby: I'm sorry for bursting your bubble.

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 * [A thunder crash sound effect is heard.]
 * Wyatt Shaw: Okay, that was inside thunder.

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 * Donna Gurgs: It's gonna be a fun night.

The Duke's a Hazard [2.12]

 * Abby: We have tickets to the Rangers game.

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 * Abby: I really like him. And he's just a duke.

The Best Dan [2.13]

 * Dan Fielding: Trust me, it's not just the waiters.

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 * Abby: And who are the tenants?

Cast

 * Melissa Rauch - Abby Stone
 * India de Beaufort - Olivia (seasons 1–2)
 * Wendie Malick - Julianne (seasons 3–present)
 * Kapil Talwalkar - Neil (season 1)
 * Lacretta - Donna "Gurgs" Gurganous
 * John Larroquette - Dan Fielding
 * Nyambi Nyambi - Wyatt Shaw (seasons 2–present)

Recurring

 * Pete Holmes - Rand
 * Gary Anthony Williams - Flobert

Guest Stars

 * Kunal Nayyar - Martini Toddwallis
 * Dimiter Marinov - Nikolai
 * Brian Scolaro - Arnold
 * Antonio Raul Corbo - Carlos
 * Pam Murphy - Pam
 * Stephnie Weir - Remecca Monte-Pulciano
 * Betsy Sodaro - Bert
 * Frances Callier - Ernie
 * Lyric Lewis - Cynthia
 * Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir - themselves
 * Faith Ford - Gina
 * Kurt Fuller - Jeff DeWitt
 * Melissa Villaseñor - Gabby
 * Marsha Warfield - Roz
 * Kareem Abdul-Jabbar - himself
 * Maria Bamford - The Ghost of Christmas Present
 * John Gemberling - Bryant
 * Jackie Hoffman - Linda