Office Christmas Party

Office Christmas Party is a 2016 film in which, when his uptight CEO sister threatens to shut down his branch, the branch manager throws an epic Christmas party in order to land a big client and save the day, but the party gets way out of hand.
 * Directed by Will Speck and Josh Gordon. Written by Justin Malen, Laura Solon, and Dan Mazer.

 Party like your job depends on it.

Josh Parker

 * [to the Russian thug whom Carol has pinned against the pool table] You do not want to die at the hands of Lululemon here. It'd be real embarrassing. You're a large guy, and she's made of nothing but salad and Smartwater.

Clay Vanstone

 * I gotta tell you, I was always like, "Tracey, this doesn't make any sense," and she was like, "Words, words, words and some numbers." But she did it.


 * Vin Diesel ain't got shit on me!


 * Hey, God. I know I haven't asked for a lot in this life. Granted, I was born rich... and white... and a man... and straight. Well, except for that one time in Vegas, but that was Vegas.

Dialogue

 * Tim: Nate, what's up, man? Did you see? Significant others are welcome at the party.
 * Drew: Look at that. Looks like we're finally gonna meet Becca.
 * Nate: Yeah. Um, oh, shoot. Uh, except she's working late tonight. Modelling.
 * Tim: Is she shooting the cover... of "Full of Shit" magazine?


 * Lonny: So, Carol. You know, that's my grandmother's name.
 * Carol: [distracted momentarily] Mmm. No, I did not know that.
 * Lonny: Yeah.
 * Carol: Oh.
 * Lonny: It's kind of an old-timey name. Don't really hear "Carol" much anymore. It's like... [imitates an old woman] "Hi, I'm Carol. I gotta get home before I miss my stories." "Hi, I'm Carol. I heard about Pearl Harbor on the radio." "Hi, I'm Carol. I died in the beginning of 'Up'."


 * Carol: All right, if by some miracle you can close Walter Davis and his 14 million dollar account, your jobs are safe.
 * Clay: Done! And you're going to look so stupid!
 * Carol: [Begins walking out of the door] Then we'll finally have something in common!
 * Clay: [the door shuts] Goddammit, she's so mean!


 * Carol: Get me on any goddamn plane, all right? I have enough miles to orbit the sun.
 * Airline Concierge: I'm sorry, ma'am. All flights are grounded until the snow clears. There's nothing more I can do.
 * Carol: Well, refer me to someone who can do something!
 * Airline Concierge: That would be God, ma'am.
 * Carol: Oh. Her.


 * Jeremy: Mary just fucking cited me! Okay? I thought this was a party. If I want to dick tap Alan, I'm gonna dick tap Alan. That's a timeless gag! Never not funny!
 * Josh: [tries to shoo him away] Okay, off you go.
 * Jeremy: She is like a poisonous fucking cloud of shit gas, like, just seeping into everybody's good time. Every word she says makes my fucking hemorrhoids throb! I want that on the record!
 * Josh: It is.
 * [Jeremy leaves]
 * Walter Davis: He's in customer service?
 * Josh: Yeah. He's much better on the phone.


 * Fred: Mummy! I mean, Allison. Don't leave.
 * Allison: Save that shit for the fourth date like a normal person!


 * Nate: Allison, are you okay?
 * Allison: No! I'm not okay. My ex-husband is dating a stripper, Drew is cyberstalking me, and Fred from accounting is like a human fucking AMBER Alert. Don't I deserve to date someone who is nice?
 * Nate: Of course you do. Allison, you're an amazing person. You basically take care of this whole office. And you do it every day, even though most people don't seem to notice. So, yeah, you deserve someone nice.


 * Mary: [enters the empty, now-trashed office] Hey, guys, I got doughnuts! I got, uh, jelly and glazed and, uh, some other stuff. But no Cronuts, that's a bastard pastry.
 * [runs into Jeremy]
 * Jeremy: I still hate your rules. But your dancing is wild and free. Like an unmanned fire hose.
 * Mary: [looks at him below his waist] Put your pants on. [turns/walks away] For now.


 * Josh: Mary, why do you even have a minivan? You don't have kids.
 * Mary: I buy in bulk!
 * Josh Parker: Can this thing handle snow?
 * Mary: Oh, please. It's a Kia. It's what God would drive.


 * Mary: [grabs Josh's arm to stop him from leaving the mini-van] Because I don't know what's gonna happen in there. Last year, I filed a sexual harassment complaint against myself.
 * Josh: Against yourself. Mmm-hmm.
 * Mary: Andrew, in the copy room, he was changing the toner. And I pretended to drop something on the ground so that I could bend over and graze his butt with my nose. And I did.
 * Josh: That doesn't seem that bad.
 * Mary: And then I said, "If you don't fuck me, buster, I will ruin you."
 * Josh Parker: Hmm. That's harassment.


 * Nate: Okay, I'm gonna need both of you assclowns to hack into Clay's phone so we can find him.
 * Tim: Come on, why would we help you, dude? Seriously?
 * Drew: Yeah, why would we help you?
 * Nate: [grabs Tim by the collar] Because I'm your fucking boss, and I'm telling you to.
 * Drew: [turns to Mary] He can't touch him!
 * Mary: I'll allow it.

Cast

 * Jason Bateman - Josh Parker
 * Olivia Munn - Tracey Hughes
 * T. J. Miller - Clay Vanstone
 * Jennifer Aniston - Carol Vanstone
 * Kate McKinnon - Mary Winetoss
 * Jillian Bell - Trina
 * Courtney B. Vance - Walter Davis
 * Vanessa Bayer - Allison Parker
 * Rob Corddry - Jeremy Parker
 * Karan Soni - Nate Winetoss
 * Sam Richardson - Joel
 * Randall Park - Fred
 * Abbey Lee - Savannah
 * Jamie Chung - Meghan
 * Da'Vine Joy Randolph - Carla
 * Fortune Feimster - Lonny
 * Matt Walsh - Ezra
 * Ben Falcone - Doctor
 * Chloe Wepper - Kelsey
 * Oliver Cooper - Drew
 * Adrian Martinez - Larry
 * Erick Chavarria - Alan
 * Andrew Leeds - Tim
 * Jimmy Butler - himself
 * Michael Tourek - Alexei