Old School

Old School is a 2003 comedy about three men who become disenchanted with their lives and try to recapture their college days.
 * Directed by Todd Phillips and written by Todd Phillips and Scot Armstrong.

All the fun of college, none of the education. Taglines

Mitch Martin

 * True love is hard to find. Sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show, ready to double-team your girlfriend...
 * At this point, you might be asking yourself, "Why am I holding this 30-pound cinder block in my hands?" You might also ask yourself, "Why does this cinder block have a long piece of string tied to it?" And finally, "Why is the other end of this string tied securely to your penis?"
 * All I want to do is get some fucking sleep.
 * This is my house. I live here, Beanie. I'm 30 years old. None of us are enrolled in the college.
 * Ah Denver, The sunshine state... Denver?! Gorgeous!

Frank 'The Tank' Ricard

 * [Leaving a message] I'll be in the neighborhood later on, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get some frozen yogurt, or perhaps a whole meal of food, if that would be agreeable. Dammit. [Calls back] This is Frank Ricard...
 * You know I was thinking we could go back home...have some dinner and pop in the Sisqo CD...no? Weren't thinking that? Ok.
 * So what do you guys like better? Nurse or cheerleader? Oh, hi Nicole. Have fun at the wedding?
 * Thanks, she's OK
 * That's how you do it. That's how you debate.
 * All we are is dust in the wind...
 * [Voiceover.] Dear Mitch, if you're holding this letter you already know. The house has been boarded up. The doors. The windows. Everything. We're at the Comfort Inn. Room 112. I love you. Frank
 * Blue's over there. But he's wasted.
 * [Trying to talk over party noise.] Actually pretty nice little Saturday. We're going to Home Depot. Yeah buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed Bath and Beyond... I don't know! I don't know if we'll have enough time!
 * [Funnels a beer.] Fill it up again! Fill it up again! Once it hits your lips, it's so good!
 * Don't worry. The pledges will clean it up.
 * No it's cool man, bring your green hat! We're going streaking!
 * [Sitting naked in the car.] Hey honey! Do you think KFC is still open?
 * In this corner, weighing in at 110 pounds and pushing 89 years of age and the recent recipient of a brand new plastic hip, Joseph "Blue" Polaski.
 * [Shot in neck with tranquilizer dart, voice morphs into slow motion.] You're crazy, man. I like you, but you're crazy.
 * I'm back! [Kicks a woman's shopping cart.] You know it!
 * Blue, do you understand I dont want you to die here tonight?
 * YOU'RE MA BOY BLUE!...You're Ma Boy!
 * I'm so cold...I think I see Blue! He looks glorious.
 * SNOOP!! SNOOP-A-LOOP!!! [upon seeing rapper Snoop Dogg perform at the fraternity party]
 * No, it's cool, it's cool, it's cool...bring-bring your green hat, let's go! [at the same party, to one of Snoop's entourage wearing a green hat]
 * Were GOIN STREAKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell

 * Because this is a very big idea my friends. We're talking about a non-exclusive egalitarian brotherhood where community status and more importantly age have no bearing whatsoever.
 * What we need to do is throw a big kick off, kick ass party.
 * Max, can you earmuff for me? We are going to get so much ass here, it's going to be sick. I'm talking like crazy boy band ass.
 * I have a wife and kids. Do I seem like a happy guy to you, Frankie?
 * Alright, let me be the first to say congratulations to you man; you have one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart Frankie. Way to think it through.
 * Well, why don't you give me your number in case anything happens to my wife.
 * [to Frank's father in law] It takes a man to give away an angel. Your sweetheart. [wink]
 * I know a really good sand guy.
 * Yeah, that's it. I got a student alt rock band coming on next. Mitch, I own six speaker cities. I am worth three a half million dollars that the government knows about, and I can barely read. I can't. I got more electronics up there than a damn KISS concert. You think I'm gonna roll out this type of red carpet for a fucking marching band? Just make sure you can see the stage.
 * I'd like to welcome you all to the Mitch Martin Freedom Festival. Now for those of you who don't know who Mitch Martin is, he's the very successful, very disease-free gentleman standing by the mini bar. Now, courtesy of Speaker City, which is slashing prices on everything from beepers to DVD players, give a warm Harrison welcome to my pal and your favorite, Snoop Dogg.
 * Frank here was staring at a white picket fence. Now he's single, he's broke, and has second degree burns all over his body. And I see a spark in his eye that I haven't seen in fifteen years.
 * Six weeks ago Abdul here had a one way ticket to an arranged marriage with a broad he never met in Bangladesh. Now he's crushing ass every Thursday night at our mixers.
 * You think I like avoiding my wife and kids to hang out with nineteen year old girls everyday?
 * He's playing hardball. And I got to admit. I'm impressed.
 * Guys this is a very special occasion. The Godfather himself has decided to grace us with his presence. This is his damn house. He sleeps twenty feet away.
 * Don't say sorry to me. You let down Frank. You let down me. Most importantly you let down Max. And right about now I'm having a hard time trying to figure out why I take time out of my schedule to help you get over... [to Max] Max can you earmuff it for me? [to Mitch] That whore you dated.
 * That party that we had last night has given us a lot of street cred.
 * What about Mitch here? He saw the wheels come off his life, guys. His whole world crumbled. Now he's the Godfather.
 * Don't beat yourself up over this, Mitch. It's not your fault. Dammit, Blue was old. That's what old people do. They die.
 * Good luck to everybody. Nice to know you all and I'll see you around campus.
 * Mitch is a lawyer, buddy. He'll find a way out for us.
 * You're the lady, Marissa! High five.
 * No. That's a piece of crap. What? We stopped selling that six months ago. Lotta Complaints, nice gesture though, I think.
 * [While performing the iron cross and smoking a cigarette] Still holding! STILL HOLDING!
 * Columbus wasn’t exactly looking for America, but that seemed to work out for everyone.

Garry, the Oral Sex Instructor

 * He left me with a little something called herpes. Which I then gave to the dog. But that's neither here nor there.
 * When I get back I'm going to show you something I like to call crouching tiger, hidden penis. [takes a drink of the water] You know I really liked that movie, 'cause of all the flying and the magic.
 * Oh, that's funny to you? You won't be laughing when someone prematurely pops in your face. It stings. And that is now why I have a lazy eye.
 * You can use a little teeth but we don't want to be a biter. Now ladies these carrots are not gonna ejaculate themselves. Get into it!
 * Ok ladies, the secret to a good BJ is focus. I don't care if we're talking about your husband of ten years or some hot sailor you met at TGI Fridays, who didn't call me back..
 * What are you doing? You're like Romulus sucking on the tit of the Motherwolf. If you know your Greek mythology.
 * Who's hungry? Who's hungry?

Others

 * Waiter: Love, it's a motherfucker, huh?
 * Waiter: And don't worry. For the Godfather, it's always on the house.
 * Waiter: You are beautiful. But no offense, he, he is the king. You are having coffee and pie with a living legend.
 * Wedding Singer: [singing] Fuckin' every now and then I fall apart and I need you now tonight. I fuckin' need you more than ever.
 * Mark: [to little girl] This is yesterday's paper. When are you going to use your goddamn brains for once in your life? Hello. What are you retarded?
 * Mark: [after being caught with another woman] What are you gonna do? Tell on me? You know you can't buddy. It's guy code. That's something chicks do. You're not a chick are you? Ok. Good talk. I'll see you out there.
 * Gordon Pritchard: Half these guys don't even go here and that one guy is like ninety.
 * Booker: We've been waiting all semester for you to ask us.
 * Dean Pritchard: I'm sorry is that funny? Are you a standup comic, is that what you do now? This is me leaving. This is me leaving.

Dialogue

 * Jerry: What will you have to do with the university?
 * Beanie: Legally speaking there will be a loose affiliation. But, we will give nothing back to the academic community. As well as provide no public service of any kind. This much I promise you.


 * Mitch: Who's this guy?
 * Beanie: Oh, that's Blue. He's an old navy vet who hangs around my store a lot. Don't worry about him, he's legit.
 * Mitch: He looks like he's one hundred years old and he wants to pledge?
 * Beanie: You kidding me? Old man river can't shut up about it.


 * Mitch: Sorry, your seatbelt seems to be broken. What do you recommend I do?
 * Cab Driver: I recommend you stop being such a faggot. You're in the backseat.


 * Woman: [holding a grocery bag] What are you doing?
 * Frank: You tell anyone about this and I'll fucking kill you. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, we'll have him home by midnight. [reaches into the grocery bag and takes out cheese balls]


 * Spanish: Damn, I gonna end up workin' at Red Lobster.
 * Frat Brother: You already work at Red Lobster.
 * Spanish: Yea, part time... dick.


 * Therapist: Frank, this is a safe place. A place where we can feel free sharing our feelings. Think of my office as a nest in a tree of trust and understanding. We can say anything here.
 * Frank: Anything? Well, uh I guess I, deep down, am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you're supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don't feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I started thinking maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling... what? what I thought we were in the trust tree, in the nest, are we not?


 * Frank: I told my wife I wouldn't drink tonight. Besides, I got a big day tomorrow. You guys have a great time.
 * College Student: A big day? Doing what?
 * Frank: Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, get some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond,[then very excited] I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time!


 * Mitch: I've had a hell of a day and even worse week. And all I want to do is get some fucking sleep.
 * Beanie: I...I don't know why you gotta do it...in front of the kid, with the f'in. All you gotta do is say earmuffs to him, [to kid] "earmuffs", and you can say "fuck, shit, bitch"...whatever you want.
 * Frank: Cock. Balls.
 * Beanie: OK. I'm just proving a point. You don't have to celebrate it, Frank.


 * Frank: Blue, how come there's no ice in my lemonade?
 * [throws the lemonade into the pool]
 * Blue: Sorry, sir.
 * Frank: Drop down and give me ten. Now!
 * Blue: [bends down into a push-up position] Yes, sir.


 * [Two girls are topless in the pool of KY jelly, waiting to wrestle Blue]
 * Frank: Are you sure you're ok with this, Blue?
 * Blue: Just ring the fucking bell, you pansy.


 * Frank: BLUE! Do you trust that we have provided you with enough rope so that your cinder block will fall safely to the ground?
 * Blue: Y-Yes sir.
 * Frank: Blue do you trust that I do not want to see you die here tonight?
 * Blue: Yes sir.
 * Frank: Blue, you're my boy!
 * Blue: Thank you sir.


 * Weensie: [after learning he's going to be expelled] Listen, this is a serious situation. I mean, I'm kicked out of school. I don't know what I'm gonna do, man. My mom's gonna kill me.
 * Mitch: C'mon, she's not gonna kill you.
 * Weensie: Yes she is. See, I'm the first one to go to college in my family and when I left she said, "Weensie, if you screw this up, I'll kill you." She showed me the knife.


 * Mitch: [after catching Heidi with another man] Please be honest with me. Tell me this is the first time this has ever happened.
 * Heidi: Well, do you want me to be honest or do you want me to tell you this is the first time?


 * Man at door: Hello.
 * Mitch: Yeah?
 * Man at door: I'm here for the gangbang...


 * Frank: A little housewarming gift. To new beginnings.
 * Mitch: I actually gave this to you for your wedding.
 * Frank: This model?
 * Mitch: This exact one.
 * Frank: I'm sorry, I'm, I'm embarassed.
 * Mitch: I hope you like it.
 * Frank: I Love it... thank you.


 * Peppers: She's a beauty, ain't she?
 * Frank: Yeah, what kind of gun is this?
 * Peppers: That's a tranquilizer gun. If any of these little fuckers decide to freak out on the kids, I get to take them down. Ain't that right? [yanks on the mule's reigns] Oh, what? That's what I thought. Shut up.
 * [Frank cocks the gun]
 * Peppers: Hey, hey. Be careful with that. That's the most powerful tranq gun on the market. Got her in Mexico.
 * Frank: Cool.
 * Peppers: Yeah, it is cool. They say it can puncture the skin of a rhino from...
 * [Frank shoots himself in the neck with the dart]
 * Peppers: YES! That's awesome!
 * Frank: What?
 * Peppers: You just took one in the jugular, man.
 * Frank: What? I did? [feeling his neck]
 * Peppers: YES!
 * Frank: Oh my god. Is this bad? Is this bad?
 * Peppers: You better pull that shit out man. That shit is not cool.
 * Frank: Wait. Wait? Pull what out?
 * Peppers: You got a fucking dart in your neck man.
 * Frank: [laughing] You're... you're crazy man. I like you, but you're crazy.


 * Marissa: Listen, I'm sorry I didn't call you on your birthday.
 * Frank: My birthday? What do you mean?
 * Marissa: Yeah, last Thursday. Oh, you forgot your birthday, didn't you, Frank?
 * Frank: Damn it. I'm such an idiot.

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 * Marissa: That's really, loud.
 * Frank: Yeah, thanks. Took the restrictor plate off, thought I'd give the Red Dragon a little more juice, but lets keep that on the downlow, she's not exactly street-legal  [waving to a neighbor] Hey Mike!

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 * Beanie: Spanish what the hell are you doing?
 * Spanish: I'm just going to get some water. This suit is crazy hot, yo.
 * Beanie: Put your head back on. That can be very traumatic for the kids.
 * Spanish: You're right, I'm sorry, sir.
 * Beanie: Don't sorry me, babe. And shake the tail when you walk. You're better than that.

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 * Jerry: That was great.
 * Frank: What happened? I blacked out.

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 * Beanie: Girls love a guy who's in your situation.
 * Mitch: What situation?
 * Beanie: Mitch. You're on the rebound. You're like an injured young fawn who's been nursed back to health and is finally going to be released back into the wilderness.

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 * Frank: Yea, I'm cool either way. I just have to run it by Marissa.
 * [Mitch and Beanie give him a weird look]
 * Frank: I'm messing with you guys.
 * Beanie: Not funny. Not funny. And now the baby is upset.

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 * Marissa: Just as long as you promise to take it easy.
 * Frank: What do you mean?
 * Marissa: You know exactly what I mean. You've come along way since Frank the Tank and we don't want him coming back do we?
 * Frank: Honey, Frank the Tank is not coming back, ok? That part of me is over. Water under the bridge. I promise.

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 * Mitch: I wasn't looking for a girl like that.
 * Beanie: Well Columbus wasn't looking for America my man, but that seems to have worked out for everybody didn't it?

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 * Frank: I just wanna tell you guys thanks for being here. Best day ever.
 * Beanie: Frank, you need to walk away from this right now.

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 * Mitch: A professor lived here for like thirty years and died.
 * Beanie: That's awesome.

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 * Beanie: Don't say sorry to me, Frank. Say it to the baby.
 * Frank: Sorry, baby.

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 * Mitch: So what are you? Campus security?
 * Dean Pritchard: Try again.
 * Beanie: Jehovah's Witness?
 * Dean Pritchard: I'm the Dean. Dean Pritchard.
 * Mitch: Wow. Cheese. Is that you?
 * Dean Pritchard: Hello, Mitch. Bernard. I see you guys haven't changed much.
 * Beanie: Who's this guy?
 * Mitch: Beanie, you remember Cheese, Rodney's kid brother?
 * Dean Pritchard: Actually, my name's not Cheese anymore. It's Gordon Pritchard.
 * Beanie: Oh yeah. Cheeeeeese. Yeah, didn't we lock you in a dumpster one time?
 * Dean Pritchard: Yea, I got out.
 * Beanie: Cool man. Good. Glad you did.
 * Beanie: Cool man. Good. Glad you did.

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 * Beanie: Weensie, you're on lifeguard duty.
 * Weensie: Sir, I can't swim, sir.
 * Frank: Speak when spoken to.

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 * Beanie: Whose life is ruined?
 * Mitch: Let's see. Blue's dead. Frank's divorced. I've lost my house. Nicole thinks I'm a total jackass. And we got nine kids who are gonna get expelled from school and you're not even gonna help them out.

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 * Frank: I had an awesome time!
 * Beanie: Frank, I know that you had an awesome time. I think the entire town knows you had an awesome time. I'm trying to ask our friend Mitch if he had a good time.

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 * Nicole: I heard one of your pledges died. Is that true?
 * Mitch: Well, yes but Blue was really old. And I feel pretty confident when we get the autopsy back it'll say natural causes.

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 * Frank: Actually, I'd like to jump in and take that one, Jimmy, if you don't mind.
 * James Carville: Have at it, hoss.

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 * Mitch: I see Frank's dad made it out, I haven't seen him in like eight years.
 * Frank: I love you dad.

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 * Frank: Jerry, are you a statistics major or something?
 * Jerry: Actually I am. Minoring in Hebrew science.
 * Frank: Well, I didn't know that. Because you didn't tell me. Now I look like a jackass.

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 * Beanie: Can you do me a favor and tell Mitch it's perfectly okay to have sex with a 17-year-old?
 * Lara Campbell: Oh, yeah. It's fine, if you're 18 or you live in Louisiana.

Taglines

 * All the fun of college, none of the education.
 * Why do men act like boys? Because they can.

Cast

 * Luke Wilson - Mitch Martin
 * Will Ferrell - Frank 'The Tank' Ricard
 * Vince Vaughn - Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell
 * Jeremy Piven - Dean Gordon 'Cheese' Pritchard
 * Ellen Pompeo - Nicole
 * Juliette Lewis - Heidi
 * Leah Remini - Lara Campbell
 * Perrey Reeves - Marissa Jones
 * Craig Kilborn - Mark
 * Elisha Cuthbert - Darcie
 * Seann William Scott - Peppers
 * Matt Walsh - Walsh
 * Artie Lange - Booker
 * Patrick Cranshaw - Joseph 'Blue' Palasky
 * Jerod Mixon - Weensie
 * Rick Gonzalez - Spanish
 * Bryan Callen - Avi, the Waiter
 * Andy Dick - Garry, the Oral Sex Instructor