Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door

 (or Paper Mario and the 1,000-Year Door), originally released in Japan in 2004 as Paper Mario RPG, originally known as Mario Story 2 in Japan and Paper Mario 2 in North America, is a role-playing game for the, the second game in the Paper Mario series. The 1,000-Year Door is set in the town of Rogueport, built atop an ancient ruins containing a mysterious door, where Mario soon finds himself after the princess disappears on a treasure hunt.

Paper Bowser

 * Boy... Do I even HAVE a less handsome side? Any way you look at this, it's perfect! When this world is mine, these statues are gonna be mandatory in all households!
 * Pbbbthbtth! Am I Mario's baby-sitter? I don't care what he's doing! Are you going to call me every time that guy blows his nose, or what? Sheesh!
 * A picnic?!? You MORON! This is no time for fun! See, THIS is why my evil plans always derail! Because you clods always goof off! AAARGH!
 * You got it, Haggy!
 * (Thinking) It's Hag Vs. Hag! Awesome!
 * Word on the street was that some mustached doofus was in Glitzville... and lookee here! Talk about perfect timing! And now all these folks get to watch me murdalize you!

Professor Frankly

 * I must research this more. Assuming will just make an... Well, you know the saying.

Prologue: A Rogue's Welcome

 * Omigosh! Is… Isn't that a treasure map?! You HAVE to tell me where you got that!

Chapter 1: Castle and Dragon

 * Well, here we are! The Petal Meadows, where folks say a Crystal Star hides. Woo hoo! Here we go, Mario! The start of our adventure! This is completely awesome!
 * So, Hooktail Castle, huh? Well... it sure is ominous, that's for sure.
 * What's with these numbskulls? Ow! OWWW! Watch it, Pushy! They're shoving me around, Mario! What should we do?
 * Who... Who are you?
 * I'll tell you why, Miss Ugly-Pink-Shoe-Whatever-Thief: we're here to beat Hooktail! And just so we're clear on this, we set our sights on the Crystal Star before you! OK?
 * Shoot!
 * LET us?!? LET us?!? What's that supposed to mean?
 * H-HEY! You little flirt! Who do you think you are, kissing Mario?!?
 * What is WITH that girl? What a flirt! Who acts so disgusting like that?
 * That's just terrible!
 * That's it! Enough of this! Let's finish him off once and for all, Mario!
 * Yes! We did it, Mario! All we have to do now is search for that Crystal Star we can't seem to locate.
 * Mario? Are you OK? You're totally shaking... Do you need a bathroom?
 * Ooh, is that a Mailbox SP? Cool! With the light? Hey, who's that mail from?
 * Wow! Wait a second... Isn't that from Princess Peach? THE princess? So that means she's OK! At least she's not hurt... But it sounds like whoever kidnapped Princess Peach is also after the Crystal Stars...
 * OK, Mario! You ready? Hold that Crystal Star up!
 * Ooh! Check it out, Mario! The location of the next Crystal Star has appeared. But, I... I... I have NO idea where that is! OK... I guess we oughta let Professor Frankly tell us where that place is.
 * Mario! Did you see that? That was one of the things Professor Frankly described!
 * You're one of the creatures from Boggly Woods, right? What are you doing here?
 * X-Nauts? Easy there, kid. What in the world are you freaking out about? We're not gonna do anything to you, so chill for a sec'! Just tell us what's going on.

Chapter 2: The Great Boggly Tree

 * These are the Boggly Woods... They sure look... boggling. Ooh! I've got butterflies!
 * Oh, I TOTALLY know how you feel! When I go out, I am all about the accessories! ...Hey! Wait a sec'! You lost your NECKLACE? I'm having deja vu, big-time! I swear, someone just said they FOUND a necklace...
 * Ooh, that's them! They're the ones who had the... Wait a minute... What? You've been waiting for Mario? What's THAT supposed to mean, you weirdo?
 * Hey! What's your deal? How do you know about the map and the Crystal Stars? Have you been talking to Princess Peach, or... Wait, what am I saying? The real question is, who the heck are you freaks?
 * Hey! Stop right there, missy! You're that thieving girl we saw before! What are you doing here?
 * Eww! Not another smooch! Who do you think you are, you total floozy?
 * I can't BELIEVE that girl! Ugh! I can't stand her!
 * Hey, if you're done rallying everyone... I have a question. We're looking for this Crystal Star thingamajig... Ever heard of it?
 * Ooh, look! A new pipe! Come on! Let's jump in!
 * This isn't good, Mario. We gotta do something.
 * Hey! Check these out! I SWEAR I've seen these decorated columns before...
 * Huh? Did you feel that? That crazy shaking? What in the world was that?
 * Wow, Mario! Check it out! The Crystal Star! Score!
 * Hey! You! I see you, Jerk! Mario, it's that weasel!
 * Hey, you hear that? Someone's mailing you!
 * Aw, isn't that sweet, Mario?
 * Here we go again, Mario! Let's see that Crystal Star!
 * There it is! The resting spot of the next Crystal Star! Totally awesome! But it looks like it's pointing somewhere... up in the sky. Huh? What could that mean?
 * Sheesh, Professor...
 * Fairy tale nothing! That treasure's real!
 * Wait... what's the favor?
 * What should we do, Mario? We at least have to tell Don Pianta SOMETHING... But... That stuff about our luck turning terrible didn't sound all that appetizing...

Chapter 3: Of Glitz and Glory

 * Well, no doubt about it: This is Glitzville! Can you believe it actually floats? Well, let's get to it, huh, Mario? Let's find that Crystal Star as fast as we can!
 * Woah, totally AWESOME! Check it out, Mario! Someone's about to catch a beating up there!
 * Whoa! Look, Mario! There! On the champ's belt! Isn't that a Crystal Star? Yeah, yeah, it totally is! Look at it sparkle! Gotta be a Crystal Star! Why would that be in a sweaty old pit like this?
 * There you go! You and I are, like, TOTALLY on the same exact wavelength! Crack a few heads, take a few names, become champ, and nab that belt!
 * They... Those total COWARDS! Those chickens attacked us before the bell rang! Oh, that is IT! Come on! We aren't losing to punks like them! Let's waste 'em!
 * C'mon, Mario! Let's get this over with!
 * We aren't gonna lose to scrubs like you!
 * What did you expect, huh? We rock!
 * Huh? Did you hear that, Mario? You want us to help you, little eggy-weggy? It's so ADORABLE! What should we do, Mario?
 * I am TOTALLY with you on this one, Mario. We'll let you go, little buddy! Is that OK with you, too, Mr. Hot-Dog-Stand Guy?
 * Awesome! Didja hear that, little eggy-weggy?!? You're free! See ya around!
 * Huh? What is it now, eggy? You want to follow us? Is that it? I'm pretty sure our little buddy here wants to hang out with us. Do we let him?
 * You hear that, little guy? Just make sure not to get in our way, though, OK?
 * We're gonna do it! We make the major league if we win! Get psyched, Mario!
 * Heyyy... Check it out! Our little eggy friend is gone. What a bummer! Where do you think the little guy took off to?
 * What?!? You... were in that cute little eggy-weggy? Whoa! That's wild!
 * Mario! ANOTHER e-mail!
 * "The blockade in the minor-league locker room," Huh? What's behind it, you think?
 * Mario! Do you believe what that is? It's a scientific report on the Crystal Stars! Someone was researching the Crystal Stars! And they even have pictures! Y'know, it's REALLY weird that someone would just leave this lying around...
 * What's that chick's beef? It was totally hard work getting that info! Well, whatever. At least it sounds like the Crystal Star is somewhere in here.
 * The storage room in the arena now? Sheesh! What next? This guy's got us running all over! It's driving me totally nuts!
 * You again! Miss Flirt-a-lot! Are you following us or what? Y'know, Security heard you bungling around in here. It WAS you, right?
 * Pfffffffft! PUH-leeeeeeze! I am, like, SO sure!
 * Are you, like, the biggest floozy ever or what?
 * What's with that burglar rat? I SWEAR, I'm gonna headbonk her if she doesn't watch it! But whatever... What do you think she meant about some poor souls upstairs?
 * "The staircase switch"? What, is there supposed to be a staircase in here?
 * Pssst! Mario! You listening to this?!? This whole missing fighter thing stinks of funny business! And here I just thought that King K retired and headed back to his hometown...
 * Phew! Boy, that was close! Did you catch how Grubba just came out of left field with that Crystal Star bit? Jolene was acting totally weird, right? I'm betting she knows something... Anyway, for now, we'd better get out of here before someone finds us.
 * Wow! That was Bowser, right? Jeepers, who woulda thought he'd show his face HERE?
 * Great. Our angry pen pal again. He sure seems to have a lot of information... I mean, if he knows about the Crystal Star AND the missing fighters... Then this guy is totally holding the key to this entire mystery! But like, who is it? WHO?!?
 * Hey, Mario, you see what happened to our pal here?
 * Omigosh! That cake must've totally been poisoned! Boy, if we'd eaten it... that'd be us on the floor!
 * W-What happened here?!? Bandy Andy! And King K!
 * Andy! Stay with us, OK? What do you mean, don't go near the ring?!?
 * Whoa! Did you see that, Mario? Was that... Jolene? What the heck is going on?
 * Hey! Where do you think YOU'RE going, pal? Huh? The ring's this way!
 * Slow down, will ya, buddy? WHY are we going this weird way again?
 * But this is a minor-league locker room! And speaking of which, where is everybody? I know he said to wait here... But, Mario, we're gonna miss our fight against the champ!
 * OK, they are like, totally ridiculously late now! I'm gonna find out what's up.
 * Omigosh! Omigosh! Mario! It's locked! The door's locked! We're totally trapped!
 * Mario, if we don't do something soon, we're gonna forfeit that match! We gotta get out of here!
 * I already tried that, Mario! It's locked!
 * Shoot! This one won't budge either! This stinks!
 * That... was maybe the grossest thing I've ever done. Uh-huh. But let's get to the fight!
 * Wow, looks like we actually made it! And listen to those cheers, Mario! They love you! C'mon, let's go put this oversized rooster in his place, huh?!
 * OK, Mario, this is it! A match with the champ! Let's destroy this guy!
 * What? What are you saying? Don't tell me it was YOU who got that security guard to lock us up!
 * So YOU'RE the jerk that's been sending us mean e-mails about the Crystal Stars!
 * This is the air duct, right? Where does it lead to?
 * That's GRUBBA! You think he could've made all those fighters disappear?
 * Looks like he's gone... Didn't he say something about his desk drawer?
 * There's something! You think that's the paper Grubba had? Let's take a peek, huh?
 * Whoa! A machine under the ring using a Crystal Star? These are the blueprints! I don't know much about that technical stuff, but I think the Crystal Star powers it! IF this document's accurate, then the machine can suck the power out of people! ...Do you think that King K and Bandy Andy had been, like... drained?
 * Quiet, you total scumbag! You sucked the life out of poor King K and Bandy Andy!
 * C'mon, Mario! We can't let that jerk get away!
 * Look, Mario! Up there! The real Crystal Star!
 * Using a Crystal Star to look good? You're so totally vain! You're gonna pay for that!
 * Whoa! Grubba got huge!
 * OK, Mario, I've had just about enough of this guy's yapping! Let's take him down!
 * Mario! Hear that noise! That's totally an e-mail from Princess Peach!
 * What?!? They wanna rule the world? That does NOT sound like a friendly plan!
 * There's the fourth Crystal Star. We're gonna have to show Professor Frankly again. It's OK, we have to let him know what Princess Peach wrote in her e-mail anyway...

Chapter 4: For Pigs the Bell Tolls

 * What?!? What?!? What?!? Omigosh, WHAT'S going on?!?
 * Oh, the bell rang, Mario! That means someone's gonna... Whew... At least it's not me this time.
 * Huh? The gatekeeper's gone... No, not gone! He turned into a pig! Well, not to be insensitive, but that works out for us. We can just cruise through!
 * THIS is the monster the mayor was talking about?!? You gotta be kidding me!
 * Wow, are you kidding me? What a total pushover. Well, we got the Crystal Star, so let's get out of here.
 * Eeeek! Mario!!!
 * Yay! We did it, Mario! We won't have to worry about THAT guy for a while!
 * That's...sniff...the saddest tale I've ever heard in my life. No wonder...

Chapter 5: The Key to Pirates

 * Yay! We did it, Mario! We won't have to worry about THAT guy for a while!

Chapter 6: Three Days of Excess

 * Wow! The Excess Express! This is soooo totally luxurious! The three days to Poshley Heights are just gonna fly by! Omigosh, I'm so PSYCHED!
 * What IS that gross thing? ...No! Mario, look! It's got the other passengers!
 * We're finally here, Mario! Let's hurry up and find the Poshley Sanctum that the professor was talking about!

Chapter 7: Mario Shoots the Moon

 * Wow! That was KILLER! I totally never would've guessed I'd get to do THAT!

Chapter 8: The Thousand-Year Door

 * Ugh... This place is freaky... but we don't have a choice, Mario! We've gotta get in there and save Peach before this gets out of hand! C'mon, Mario!
 * Jeepers... This room gives me a super-bad feeling, Mario... What IS this chamber?
 * So, this chump is the leader of the X-Nauts?
 * No! So the last Crystal Star we found on the moon... What did we do?
 * What? This is totally unfair! All this and Bowser, too?!?
 * Phew... That was hairy. At least we settle THAT nut's hash. Now let's save Peach, OK, Mario?
 * What?!? Where's Grodus?!?
 * Wh-What do we do, Mario? I mean, no WAY can we agree to serve her!!!
 * Mario, what're we supposed to do now? We could be totally done for...
 * Yeah, right! Pffft!
 * Never, ever give up! That's the most important thing I've learned from you, Mario.

Chapter 1

 * Ummm... Look, I... Listen, just forget that whole scene I made earlier, OK? It was nothing. I was just fooling around or something.
 * OH, PLEASE TAKE ME WITH YOU TO FIGHT HOOKTAIL! PLEASE, I'M BEGGING YOU!
 * Oh, man... Hooktail Castle... The stories were all true... This place is TERRIFYING...
 * Ummm... What're they doing? Ouch! It's no use, Mario! They're all over me, man! What should we do?
 * Man... That was TOO close! Gotta shake it off... Hoo. OK. We got the key, so let's go open that spooky chest.
 * H-Hey! Who are you?
 * Umm, well, you see... We're here to beat Hooktail and get the... um... Crystal Star. So... don't think we'll let you get the Crystal Star first, no matter how cute you are!
 * Darn!
 * Ummm... Hey! What's that supposed to mean?
 * Oh, my! You're so... bold... Is that legal?
 * I wonder what her story is... I bet it's an interesting one... Full of romance...
 * That's just not right!
 * I've had enough of this! Let's finish this guy off fast, Mario!
 * Something wrong, Mario? You're... um... shaking... Are you feeling all right?
 * That's a new Mailbox SP, isn't it? Wow, neat! Did you get some mail?
 * Wow... You got mail from a princess. That's so cool! So, anyway, she's unhurt! That's good, at least... But I didn't like the sound of those kidnappers looking for the Crystal Stars as well...
 * Um... All right, Mario! Hold up that Crystal Star!
 * Hey, uh, Mario, look there. The next Crystal Star showed up on the map. But... I'm sorry, but I don't have a clue where that is. Um... I think maybe we should take it to Professor Frankly and let him look at it.
 * Hey! Mario! You see that? That was one of the things Professor Frankly mentioned!
 * Um... Aren't you one of the creatures from Boggly Woods? Why are you down here?
 * X-Nauts? What the heck are those? Sounds like tissues... to the extreme or something. Look, we're not here to do ANYTHING to you, so relax. Tell us what's going on, OK?

Chapter 2

 * So, the Boggly Woods, huh? Looks mysterious, all right. What'll we run into next?
 * Hey, don't take it so hard... It does look sturdy, though. What do we do now?
 * Not to be a worrywart, but how in the heck can we find somebody's secret entrance?
 * Gee whiz, that must be some nice necklace, huh? ...Hang on... You know what? It's weird... I'm sure I just heard someone talking about a necklace...
 * Oh! Hey! I know you! Y-you're that one girl... I-I never thought I'd see... Wait, uh... Listen. I mean, not that I'm happy to see you, but... I'll shut up now.
 * Aww, AGAIN? Why? How? You're SO lucky, Mario!
 * Man, she sure is cute.
 * Umm, while we have your attention, can I ask you something? We're looking for this thing called a Crystal Star... Have you heard of it?
 * Whoa! A pipe appeared! That was kind of...spooky. Oh well, let's keep moving.
 * Boy! This just isn't right. Let's do something before my claustrophobia sets in...
 * Wait... You see those? I'm pretty sure I've seen columns like those before...
 * Huh? Whoa, whoa, whoa! The... The tree just shook! What was it? An earthquake?
 * Mario, look! Look look look! It's the Crystal Star!
 * What? Did he just... Hey! What's going on here?
 * D-did he just say... Eek! H-hurry! We have to get the heck out of here!
 * We'll come back and see you again, I'm pretty sure. But... For now, we gotta go.
 * Uh-oh! Ohhhh, man! Incoming mail!
 * Pretty nice, huh, Mario?
 * Um... Go for it, Mario! Break out the Crystal Star!
 * Cool! The next Crystal Star showed up on the map! Hey, but... is it me, or is it up in the sky or something? Um... What could that mean?
 * Whoa, Professor Frankly!
 * Um... Excuse me, but, uh... That's not true! The treasure is real! Honest!
 * Sure! We can do anything! What is it?
 * Umm... What should we do? I mean, I guess we should go tell Don Pianta something. But I... I don't want our luck to turn terrible... Whatever THAT means!
 * Wow, we did it, Mario! We can go to Glitzville!

Chapter 3

 * Ummm... Yeah, this would be Glitzville, all right... How do they make it float? I mean, it hasn't ever, you know, plunged from the sky or anything, has it? Time to hunt down that Crystal Star, huh, Mario? I know I'm ready!
 * Wow! This place is so cool! Hey, Mario, look up there! There's a battle match going on right now!
 * Umm... You see that, Mario? The thing on that shiny belt! Is that a Crystal Star? Yeah... Yeah! It's gotta be! That sparkle's a Crystal Star! Umm... But that doesn't make much sense at all. Why would it be on that guy's belt?
 * That's the ticket, Mario! Do this thing RIGHT! All you have to do is become champ and you'll get that belt fair and square!
 * Hey! That's no fair! You can't attack before the bell rings! That's cheating! Come on, Mario! We can't let a bunch of cheaters beat us. Let's take them down!
 * Ummm... OK, we can do this!
 * I'll try not to get in your way, Mario...
 * We... won? Cool!
 * We did it, Mario! Wow!
 * ...Hm? Is it just me, or do you think that egg... What? You want our help, egg? Umm... Your call, Mario. What do you want to do?
 * Yeah, we can't ignore it... Good call, Mario. Let's set this little guy free. Ummm... Provided that's OK with you, too, sir.
 * Well, cool. Looks like you're free and clear, little guy. 'Bye!
 * Huh? What's with you now? You want to follow us or something? Ummm... I think he definitely wants to stick with us. What should we do, Mario?
 * That's great, Mario. You're in with us, little buddy! Stay out of the way, OK?
 * Umm... Hey, uh, Mario? Did you notice that the little bouncy egg isn't here? Where do you think it went?
 * Ummm... WHAT?!? You hatched out of that egg? That's nuts. So you're a Yoshi, huh?
 * Ummm... Mario? Wasn't that your e-mail alert just now? Shouldn't you check it?
 * Gee whiz! That X guy again? He wants us to go to the "watering hole"? Who in the world is this guy?
 * Wow, Mario! E-mails are coming fast and furious now!
 * "The blockade in the minor-league locker room," eh? What might be behind it?
 * Wow, Mario! That's a research document on the Crystal Stars! Unbelievable! Someone commissioned a report on the Crystal Stars! A report with pictures! Ummm... Maybe I'm being paranoid, but it seems odd that someone would lose this.
 * Oh... Well, there she goes... Taking that document we worked so hard to get... Well... I guess we know that the Crystal Star is in the arena, at least.
 * Umm... Was that King Bowser? What was he doing here? That... kinda freaks me out.
 * Oh! Ms. Mowz! Hi there! Are you stealing something again? How exciting for you! Hey, by the way, a security guard heard you in here. Were you making noise?
 * Oh, sure, right, of course! I didn't mean to doubt you, Ms. Mowz...
 * Oh... Mario, you lucky dog...
 * Boy, Ms. Mowz sure is cute. Too bad I sound like such a dork whenever I talk to her. Hey, but enough of that... What was that last thing she said, about people upstairs?
 * Ummm... "The staircase switch"? There's supposed to be a staircase in here somewhere?
 * Mario! Did you get all that? Fighters are going missing! Talk about scary! I figured King K took an early retirement and headed home...
 * Wow, that was TOO close. So, Mario, you heard that part about the Crystal Star, right? Ms. Jolene acted pretty weird, I thought. Kind of suspicious... We can look into it later, I guess. For now, we better clear out before they find us.
 * Ummm... Say, Mario, you notice this guy over here?
 * Umm... You know what, Mario? That cake was poisoned! We almost ate that thing, too. If we had... Gee, if we had, we'd be in big trouble!
 * Hey, another mail, Mario! Who is it this time?
 * Oh, OK. It's that X guy again. His messages still freak me out, but this is our only clue. The Great Gonzales posters in the lobby, huh? We have to peel them off? Well, let's give it a shot.
 * H-How could this happen?!? Bandy Andy! And King K!
 * Andy! We're gonna get through this! Why shouldn't we go near the ring?
 * Hey! Mario! You see that? Wasn't that... Ms. Jolene? My brain is starting to hurt trying to figure all this out. What is going ON?!?
 * Ummm... Mr. Security Guy? Isn't the ring this way?
 * Hey, listen, wait up! Where are you taking us?
 * Umm... Why are we in a minor-league locker room? And where is everybody? He said to wait here, but... I don't know, Mario. We're gonna miss our big fight!
 * Look, no two ways about it, we're gonna miss this match. We better find somebody.
 * Ohhh... crud. Bad news, Mario. This door's been locked. We're trapped in here!
 * Ummm... I'm pretty sure that we forfeit if we don't show up at the match, Mario. We have to figure out a way to get out of here! And quick!
 * Nope! Still locked!
 * No good! This one's locked too! I'm freaking out!
 * Whoa. Is that what plumbers do? I had no idea, man. Wow. Anyway, let's go!
 * Phew! We made it... barely. Listen to all of those cheers! Your fans are out in force! Come on, let's get in there and beat this guy!
 * Well, Mario, here's our chance. We're fighting this monster. I'll be right behind you!
 * What do you mean by that? Are you... Are you saying it was you who got us locked up by that security guard?
 * So it WAS you! You're the guy who's been sending us Crystal Star hate mail!
 * Ummm... Is this the air duct? Where does it lead to?
 * Hey... That's Mr. Grubba! Could he really have made those fighters disappear?
 * OK... Looks like he's gone. He said something about his desk drawer, right?
 * Hey, see that? I bet that's the document Grubba hid. Let's check it out.
 * Wow! A machine under the ring using a Crystal Star? These are the blueprints! I can't make much sense of this paper, but I think the Crystal Star powers it! If this document's correct, then the machine can... gulp... suck the power out of people! Oh, man... You think King K and Bandy Andy got, you know... drained?
 * You... great... big... JERK! How could you do that to King K and Bandy Andy?!?
 * Mario! Let's go after him!
 * Wow, Mario! Take a look! The Crystal Star!
 * How could you use a Crystal Star just to look better? You won't get away with this!
 * Wow! Grubba got... really big! That isn't good!
 * Mario, we owe it to the other fighters to teach this maniac a lesson! C'mon!
 * Ummm... Mario? Do you think that's another e-mail from Princess Peach?
 * Th-Th-They want to rule the w-w-world? Ummm... I don't like the sound of that...

Chapter 4

 * Ummm... Listen, Mr. Bobbery... We already heard that you're the Bobbery we're looking for.

Chapter 6

 * What IS that thing? ...Hey! Mario, look! It's got the other passengers!

Chapter 8

 * Um... OK, this place is scary... but I guess we don't have a choice, huh? We have to power through and save Peach before things get out of hand! Let's go, Mario!
 * Golly... We get out of one weird room just to find another... It's enormous down here... like an underground city... What is this place?

Chapter 2

 * Oh! Oh... my... word! Mario, isn't it? Are YOU my heroic little necklace hunter? Well! My, my, my... Aren't you a FINE specimen of a man! Yes, indeed!
 * Aren't Punies just the most precious little things? Mario, I feel I must ask... Did you know that I used to be a rather famous actress? I was a diva of the stage! I was known as Madame Flurrie the world over... But... the filthy air outside the spotlight repelled me. So I came to the woods. And soon enough, I glimpsed the beauty of these Punies and their pure little hearts... It reminded me of my own innocence as an actress. And that made me realize... I shall ever love the stage! I must feel the spotlight shine on me again! I MUST! As you can see, these dear little Punies helped me find my true self... That's why I must help them however I can before I go on my own adventures.
 * The time has come for me to repay my debt to the Punies. Come along, Mario!
 * Excuse me? We must what? Are you a friend of Mario's? Oh, wait... I see. And I most certainly do NOT approve!
 * Oh, mercy me! Mario! You're popular with all the girls, aren't you?
 * Well! Don't worry, Mario! I'm not TOO jealous. What a shameless flirt, though!
 * Say, if you have a moment... Might I ask a question? We're looking for a lovely gem called a Crystal Star... Do you know of it?
 * My goodness! Would you look at that! A pipe leading down. Let's see where it leads!
 * My! Such wonderful drama! I imagine we have to do something now, don't we?
 * Pardon me a moment! Don't these odd columns look somewhat familiar?
 * Oh, I feel I might swoon! What was that, I wonder?
 * Oh, mercy me! Sounds like some mail!
 * Isn't that precious, Mario?
 * Now, my little Mario! It's Crystal Star time!
 * Oh, mercy me! The next Crystal Star has made an entrance! My, my, my! But... Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it up in the sky? What does THAT mean?
 * Frankly, please!
 * Bite your tongue! Don't listen to that lout! The treasure is as real as I am!
 * I'm not entirely sure I like the sound of this...
 * Oh, whatever should we do? We have to say SOMETHING to that Don Pianta fellow... I must say, though... I don't fancy a run of terrible luck. That would be unfortunate.

Chapter 3

 * My, my, my! Glitzville! I've heard that the Glitz Pit is just full of brawny brawls! I must admit the prospect of some hurly-burly gets me a touch piqued! Now, darling, let's find that Crystal Star, hmmm?
 * Oh, dear me! What a positively glorious venue! Oh, mercy, Mario! Look there! Those two brutes are about to have at each other!
 * Oh, my word! Mario! On that uncouth bird's belt! Is that a Crystal Star? Yes, I do believe it is! That wonderful sparkle is yet another Crystal Star! ...But such a tawdry place to find it... Why would it be here of all places?
 * Oh, you darling man, I'm SO happy to hear you say that! I'd expect nothing less! You're ten times the man of anyone here! You'll be champion in no time!
 * What sort of base cowards attack before the match officially begins? Honestly! Come on, Mario, darling! We shan't lose to lowlifes! Let's teach them a lesson!
 * Here we go, darling! Time to shine!
 * Why, that was no fuss whatsoever!
 * Anytime you care for another lesson, we'll be here!
 * Hmmm, now? You wish for us to help you, you darling little egg? Mario, hon, what do you think we ought to do?
 * A positively endearing choice, Mario, not that I expected any less. We shall free him! You, sir! Mr. Proprietor! Would you allow us to free this poor soul?
 * Well, that's just loverly! You're free to do whatever you like, dear egg! Farewell!
 * Hmmm? What is it now, dear? You wish to accompany us, you adorable thing?
 * You're all clear, little one! But do try not to get underfoot, all right?
 * Why, you little rapscallion! You hatched from that egg? Well, aren't you precious!
 * Mario, darling! E-mail call!
 * "The blockade in the minor-league locker room," hmm? What could be behind it?
 * Good gracious! That's a report investigating the Crystal Star's! Someone was doing scientific studies on the Crystal Stars. My, it even has pictures! I have to wonder about why someone would leave this out for us to find...
 * Oh, my, she doesn't like us, does she? And we worked so hard getting that paper... It's not a total loss, dear. At the very least, we know the Crystal Star is nearby.
 * Why, if it isn't the young lady felon! I don't approve of you following Mario, dear. You've grown careless, too. Did you know that Security heard you making noise here?
 * Are you absolutely sure? You didn't make just a little bit of noise, dear?
 * My! You ARE brazen, aren't you, dearie?
 * Well, I daresay she IS a thief, hm? She certainly stole your lips with ease, Mario! But that's hardly important... What might she have meant by "poor souls upstairs"?
 * "The staircase switch"? Am I to understand there's a staircase hidden in here?
 * Good gracious me! Did you hear what I just heard? Missing fighters? How absolutely heartrending! That poor, sweet King K... I just assumed he had retired to his hometown...
 * Mercy! My, that was close! I say, though, Mario, when that Grubba spoke of the Crystal Star... I couldn't help but notice that Ms. Jolene acted a touch strange... Well, I do believe that we'd best make ourselves scarce before we're found!
 * Incidentally, darling... Did you notice this poor soul on the floor?
 * I daresay that cake was poisoned! Had we eaten it, we'd have ended up like that poor fellow there!
 * Whatever could that key be for?
 * What on earth is this?!? Bandy Andy, you poor dear! And King K! How awful!
 * Andy, honey, just hang on! Why would we have to avoid the ring, now?
 * My word, did you see that? I do believe that was young Ms. Jolene! What in the world is going on here?
 * Pardon me, sir, but I do believe you're taking us the wrong way...
 * Sir, I really must protest... Where are we off to?
 * Mercy me, we're back in a minor-league locker room! And it's deserted! He DID say to wait here... But, darling, I can't help but think we'll miss our match!
 * Well, my dear, I'd say we're now officially VERY late. Let's find out what's what.
 * Oh, my goodness gracious! We've been locked in, Mario! We're trapped here!
 * Correct me if I'm wrong, darling, but won't we forfeit if we don't show up? There simply MUST be a way out of this place!
 * Darling, I tried it earlier. It's quite firmly locked.
 * I should like to request that we NEVER do that again. In any case, to the arena!
 * Well, I daresay we've made it in time! And it sounds like the fans approve! Ah, it reminds me so much of my time on stage! Let's go give that chicken what for!
 * Well, here we are, dear. At last, we fight the champ. Let's take him, shall we?
 * Whatever does THAT mean, you awful chicken? Am I to understand that it was you who got the security guard to lock us away?
 * So, it was you, after all! You sent those threats about the Crystal Star!
 * Isn't this the air duct? Where does it lead?
 * Why, that voice belongs to Grubba! Could he have made those poor souls disappear?
 * I do believe he's gone... Now, wasn't there something in his desk drawer?
 * Oh, my! Is that the paper Grubba said he's hid? Let's have a look.
 * Mercy! A machine under the ring using a Crystal Star? These are the blueprints! I can scarcely understand this paper, but I believe the Crystal Star powers it! If this paper's correct, then the machine can suck the power out of folks! Oh, no... Is it possible that King K and Bandy Andy were, well... drained?
 * You just shut your trap, sir! You drained the life from those poor souls!
 * Mario, darling! We must chase him down!
 * My goodness! Mario, there's the Crystal Star!
 * Using a Crystal Star and innocent fighters to improve your looks? You're despicable.
 * Oh, my! He got quite a bit larger, didn't he?
 * All right, let's finish this nasty business right now! Come on, Mario, dear!
 * Mario, dear! look alive! That may well be an e-mail from Princess Peach!
 * They wish to rule the world? Well, I refuse to bow to such megalomaniacs!

Chapter 6

 * What IS that foul thing? ...Oh, my! Mario, look! It's got the other passengers!
 * We're finally here, dear! Let's waste no time finding that Poshley Sanctum that Frankly spoke of.

Chapter 8

 * My, what an unpleasant place... but I suppose we have no choice! We must go onward and save Peach before this situation spirals beyond our control! Let's move on, darling!
 * What? This is hardly fair! All this and Bowser, too?!?
 * Mario, whatever will we do? This could be the end...
 * Now, that's just senseless... Are we to betray everyone who believed in us?

Chapter 3

 * Gonzales! Check me out! Thanks to you, I hatched safe and sound! Thanks, man!
 * Yeah, but who cares? You guys wanna be champs, right? You want a Crystal Star? I heard all about while I was in the egg! Yeah!
 * You think you can take me and Gonzales? HA!
 * Gonzales! Lemme at 'em! We're gonna take these punks this time!
 * Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! How'd that floor taste?
 * What's the deal? Would it kill these guys to show a little friendliness? Sheesh!
 * Gonzales! E-mail time!
 * "The blockade in the minor-league locker room," Huh? Wonder what's behind it...
 * Whoa, Gonzales! That's some kinda scientific paper on the Crystal Stars!
 * Wow! That was the king of the Koopas, wasn't it? WOW! That guy's insane! Who'd be investigating those things besides us? They even took pictures! Who'd leave something like this lying around? This just REEKS of funny business!
 * Dang, what's with her?!? We busted our humps getting that information! Some people just gotta rain on parades! Well, at least we know the Crystal Star's here!
 * Man, that looks AWESOME! I'm drooling!
 * Yeah! Let's chow down!
 * Old X dude surfaced again! We gotta go to some phone booth outside now? Where was that thing? Aw, we'll find it. Let's head outside!
 * Yeah, you BETTER keep walking, you punk chicken! YOU HEAR ME TALKING?!? Hey! Wait! I wonder... You think THAT idiot sent us that hate mail? I guess it doesn't matter. SOMEBODY hates us, so we better watch our steps.
 * What the heck is this guy's problem? The storage room? I mean... Does he think we need the exercise? This dude is really cheesing me off.
 * Are you a friend of Gonzales? I didn't know he hung with crooks... and you look like one. Security was talking about noises in here... Did you make noise while you stole stuff?
 * Well, whatever, lady... But you ARE a thief, right?
 * Is that what's called a kiss? I heard about those things! I'm jealous! Only you get it?
 * Well, she took off, huh? What was that kiss like? I gotta get me one of those... Hey, but what do you think she meant about somebody being upstairs, huh?
 * "The staircase switch"? How the heck could there be a staircase in here?
 * Whoa, Gonzales! WHOA! Did you hear that?!? Fighters are going missing, dude! That ain't cool! Was that guy talking about King K, the minor-leaguer? I thought he retired!
 * Whoa! Whoa, man! We dodged a bullet there! Hey, but did you hear that guy blabbing about the Crystal Star? That Jolene lady acted pretty guilty when he let that one slip out... Well, whatever. For now, we better bail before somebody finds us up here!
 * By the way, Gonzales... You see the dude on the floor back here?
 * Was that cake poisoned? Yeah! It must've been! If we'd eaten it, we'd be all banged up like that guy!
 * Whoa! Where do you think THAT key goes?
 * You gotta be kidding me! Bandy Andy! And King K!
 * C'mon, shake it off, buddy! What do you mean, don't go near the ring?
 * Hold up, dude! Where are you heading? That ain't the way to the arena!
 * Hey, hold it, meathead! This doesn't seem right...
 * Hey! This ain't the ring! It's a minor-league locker room! And it's empty! That guy said to wait... But, dude, we're missing our title bout! This stinks!
 * OK, that is IT! Nobody's coming for us, man! Hear me? Let's go kick some tail!
 * Awwwwwwwwwwwww... WEAK! Some punk's locked us in! We're trapped in here!
 * Man, this is the WORST! We're gonna forfeit our match if we don't show! We gotta break outta here, man! Right now!
 * Crud! It still won't open!
 * Rats! Locked! They thought of EVERYTHING!
 * Dude, I have got SO much respect for plumbers now! Now let's get Rawk Hawk!
 * Looks like we made it, dude! And the crowd is LOVING US! We are STARS, baby! Come on, let's go lay the smack down on that big chicken!
 * All right, Gonzales! We're fighting the champ! I'M... SO... FIRED... UP!
 * What kind of trash-talking are you doing now? Wait... Did YOU get that security guard to lock us in the locker room?
 * So YOU'RE the coward who's been sending nasty e-mails about the Crystal Star!
 * YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! We finally made it, Gonzales! But... Y'know, Rawk Hawk really sounded clueless about the Crystal Star... We still don't have any leads on that thing. I mean, where the heck could it be?
 * Hang on, Gonzales! You hear that? A voice is coming from somewhere!
 * You think it's... a ghost?
 * H-H-H-Hey! Do you HAVE to have that thing turned up? That scared me silly!
 * There's actually a ghost in here? OK, that is NOT cool! Ghosts are scary!
 * We're in the air duct, right? Where does it lead?
 * That voice... It's Grubba! So HE'S behind all those missing fighters?
 * I think he's gone... Let's check out that desk drawer of his...
 * Whoa! Bingo! I bet that's the paper ol' Grubba hid! Check it out, Mario!
 * Yow! A machine under the ring using a Crystal Star? These are the blueprints! I dunno what the rest of this nerd-talk says, but I think the Crystal Star powers it! If this paper's right, then the machine can suck the power out of people! Yuck! Oh, crud... You think that King K and Bandy Andy got all... drained or something?
 * Shut up! You make me sick! Why'd you drain King K and Bandy Andy, huh?
 * After him, Gonzales!
 * Gonzales! Up there! That's the Crystal Star, right?
 * You are such a scumbag! You're gonna pay for using a Crystal Star like that!
 * Yow! Grubba beefed up!
 * Let's rock, Gonzales! I'm ready to chew this dude up and spit him out!
 * Boy, I thought she was kinda mean, but turns out she was just worried for her brother!
 * Wow! Check it out, Gonzales! The Crystal Star!
 * Is THAT what Crystal Stars can do?
 * Whoa! Are you sure? It's OK if we just take it?
 * It's all you, Gonzales! Nab it, dude!
 * Gonzales! You got an e-mail!
 * Those dudes wanna rule the world? That would stink!
 * Hey! That shows us where the fourth Crystal Star is! Can't that Frankly guy read it? That'd be cool, but first we better tell him what Princess Peach's e-mail said, right?!?

Chapter 4

 * Whoa! That was the craziest thing I've ever seen! What's going on in this weirdo town?
 * Not gonna happen, Gramps. We're looking for something really important. Maybe you've heard of it. It's a star-shaped rock called a Crystal Star.
 * Whoa, are you serious? That's gotta be the Crystal Star! Gotta be!
 * Whoa! The bell rang, Mario! Doesn't that mean someone's gonna... Boy... I'm psyched it wasn't my turn to get pigged.
 * Whoa! The gate guy's gone! ...Oops! Nope! Not gone! The stubborn dude's a pig! Well, hey, that's actually pretty sweet for us! No pig's gonna get in our way!
 * Whoa, come on! THIS guy is the monster they mayor was freaking out about?
 * That's IT? That's all you got? Man, this guy was a wimp! That wasn't even fair! Well, who cares, right? We got the Crystal Star, so let's get out of here.
 * Drop the act, Super 'Stache! We already found out that you're Admiral Bobbery!
 * Gee... What a downer. I guess that's a pretty good reason for hating the ocean...
 * Admiral Bobbery!!! Yesss!

Chapter 5

 * "You out there in front of the TV"? Did this guy go nuts, or what?
 * Yeah! Yeah! We whipped him! That loser won't get in our face for a while, for SURE!
 * They're gonna do all right here, I think. Yeah. Let's break out, Mario.
 * OK, Gonzales! That's our cue! Let's break out of here and head for the door!
 * Gonzales! That's you, bud! That's gotta be an e-mail from Princess Peach!
 * Rock ON! That princess is pretty rad, huh? Wow! We ought get to work, too!
 * Cool! Let's cruise back and check in with the prof!
 * Oh, man! Aren't there oodles of rich and famous people living in that place?
 * Get to the point, Prof! How do we get to this Snobville, anyway?
 * Hey, I heard you had to be all rich or famous to get a ticket for that train!
 * Are you crazy?!? I heard stories about that guy, and he sounds like a loon! Man... Well, whatever, I guess. If we gotta, we gotta, right? Let's do this, Gonzales.

Chapter 6

 * Aw, yeah, the Excess Express! This is so deluxe, man! The three days to Poshley Heights are gonna be over just like THAT!
 * Ah, morning of a new day! I love it! It's so cool and brisk, too! I love THAT!
 * What IS that gnarly thing? ...Whoa! Gonzales, look! It's got the other passengers!
 * We finally made it, Gonzales! Let's find that Poshley Sanctum place that the prof was talking about, huh?

Chapter 7

 * Whoa! That was AWESOME! Man, who knew adventurers got to do stuff like THAT!
 * ...We got it, TEC.
 * Gonzales! That tears it, man! We just gotta save Peach! For TEC, too!
 * Whoa! You hear something just then?
 * Gonzales, let's rock!!!

Chapter 8

 * Whoa, this place is nasty... but we don't have a choice! We've gotta cruise through and save Peach before this whole cataclysm happens! C'mon, Gonzales!
 * Man, we clear one freaky room just to find another... This area is almost like an underground city, huh? What IS this place?
 * Let's leave these wusses, Gonzales...
 * Ugh... This room creeps me out, man. It's just... wrong. What IS this chamber?
 * Hoooo... That was a doozy. At least we rocked that guy's world, am I right? Now, let's save Peach!
 * Whoa!!! Where's Grodus?!?
 * Gonzales, what's our move? This looks bad...
 * Oh, you haven't heard, lady? Champs NEVER give up!

Chapter 4

 * Your name and body were stolen? Oh, well I guess that happens from time to time.
 * I'm... I'm sorry, Sis... This Mario is the only person who's ever been kind to me... Mario! I'm fighting by your side from now on! I've... I've made my choice! And I'm not turning back!
 * Hey, we did it, Mario! It'll take him a while to recover from that!
 * Hey, Mario... We need to get back to Rogueport, right? Let's go.
 * Oh my goodness, Mario! Would that be an e-mail from Princess Peach?
 * An... ancient demon's spirit...
 * We'd better hurry, don't you think? We should go up to the professor's office! We have to let him know about the Princess's e-mail!
 * Please, don't insult us... We already know you're the admiral, so just admit it!
 * I can't imagine what that poor man went through... No wonder he won't sail...

Chapter 5

 * "You out there in front of the TV"? Uh, does that make sense to anyone here?
 * Hey, we did it, Mario! It'll take him a while to recover from that!
 * I'm sure they'll be all right here, don't you think? Let's leave, Mario.
 * So, Mario... Don't you think we should go, too? Maybe go to the door.
 * Oh, Mario, listen! That must be an e-mail from Princess Peach!
 * Oh, my! That princess of yours is so courageous! We'd better get to work, too!
 * All set? Then let's go see Professor Frankly.
 * Hang on... Haven't I heard that lots of rich and famous people call that place home?
 * Poshley Heights, huh? OK. How do we get there?
 * Will they let us on board? I heard you have to be rich or famous to get a seat.
 * Are you kidding? Everyone says he's an awful man! Doesn't he extort people? ...Well, I guess we don't have much choice, now do we? Let's do this quickly.

Chapter 6

 * Wow! The Excess Express! This is really nice, Mario! The three days to Poshley Heights are going to seem like nothing!
 * Ah, it's a new day! And what a cool and brisk morning!
 * What IS that nasty thing? ...Oh! Mario, look! It's got the other passengers!
 * We're finally here, Mario. There's no time to waste, so let's find the Poshley Sanctum, like the professor said.

Chapter 7

 * Gee whiz! That was wild! I never thought I'd take a ride like THAT...
 * Crump! You've been waiting for us? What does THAT mean?
 * So Peach WAS here! Where did you take her, Crump?!?
 * You're the one who's going to suffer, Crump! No matter how many times we do this!
 * We've finally got all seven Crystal Stars! Yes! Now we can open the Thousand-Year Door! Uh, but... We still don't know where Peach is...
 * Oh, Mario! We have to save Peach... for TEC, too!
 * Did you hear something just then?

Chapter 8

 * Uh... This place is unsettling... but we have no choice! We have to get in there and save Peach before things get any more out of control! Let's go, Mario!
 * We get out of one strange room just to find another... It's so big... It's almost like an underground city... What IS this place?
 * This room makes me feel... bad... But it seems familiar. What IS this chamber?
 * Gro... Grodus...
 * No! So the last Crystal Star we found on the moon... We've played into their hand!
 * What? This is unbelievable! All this and Bowser, too?!?
 * Phew... That was TOO close! At least we can close THAT chapter, though, right? Now, let's save Peach!
 * Uh, Mario, what'll we do? We could be done for...
 * Forget it! I know we'll win!

Admiral Bobbery

 * We've done it, old boy! I should say he won't be too keen on seeing us again, eh?
 * Yes, very good. They'll be rather happy here, eh? Let's be on our way, hm?
 * Well, well, well, old boy... I should think we'd head for that door at this point.
 * On your toes, old bean! That can only be an e-mail from Princess Peach!
 * Great goobery! Your princess is no one to be trifled with! We'd best get to work, too!
 * Right! Let's pop in on that professor fellow.
 * Wait a tick! I've heard tell that only the rich and famous call that place home...
 * Harumph! Sounds positively scintillating, dear boy. Point us there!
 * Pardon ne for saying so, but mustn't you have wealth or fame to ride that train?
 * Ah... no. Terribly sorry. Mm-mm. Impossible. Can't do it. The man's reprehensible! ...Well, drat. I suppose there's nothing for it, eh, old boy? If we must, we must. Let's go.
 * Harumph! The Excess Express! Rather posh, I must say! Yes, rather posh indeed! The three days to Poshley Heights ought to pass in an eyeblink, eh, old boy?
 * What IS that rank thing? ...Horrors! Mario, look! It's got the other passengers!
 * We've made it, old boy! Let's find that Poshley Sanctum that Professor Frankly spoke of, posthaste!
 * Harumph! Well, that was rather a bumpy trip, wot wot! Who would've guessed I'd get to do such a thing...
 * This place is rather ugly... but we haven't a choice in the matter, old boy! We must get in there and save Peach before this hullabaloo goes any further! Let's go, dear boy!
 * Well now, it seems we get past one dodgy room only to find another... This region is rather like an underground city, hm? What IS this place?
 * This room gives me a rather foul feeling in my belly... What IS this chamber?
 * So, this lout is the leader of those X-Nauts?
 * No! So the last Crystal Star we found on the moon... We're fools!
 * What? This is rather unfair! All this and Bowser, too?!?
 * Whew... Rather close, hm? At least we've settled that burly bloke's account, old boy. Now, let's save Peach!
 * Hm?!? Where's Grodus?!?
 * Mario, what's next, old boy? This looks rather dire...
 * Serve a witch? My Scarlette would be rather angry with me, I should think...

Ms. Mowz

 * I can't believe there are other thieves here besides me. How very strange...
 * "You out there in front of the TV"? I think that man might have the sea madness.
 * OK, then! Now we must go see Professor Frankly.
 * Hey... Isn't that place simply BURSTING with the rich and famous? Excellent.
 * Well? Don't tease us, Professor. How do we get there from here?
 * You know, I had heard that one must be rich or famous to ride the Excess Express...
 * Oh, I do NOT think that's a good idea! Do you know him? He is NOT one to mess with! ...Ah, well. If we have to, then I'm in, but it could get ugly. Come on, Mario. Let's go.
 * Mmmm... the Excess Express! Now this is what I call travelling in style! The three days to Poshley heights will be over before we know it, dearie!
 * Mmm, the beginning of a new day... And such a cool and brisk morning, as well!
 * What IS that vile thing? ...Oh, no! Mario, look! It's got the other passengers!
 * Oh, my! That was quite fun! I can't say I ever thought I'd take a ride like THAT!
 * What an unpleasant place... but we don't have a choice in the matter! We have to get in there and save Peach before this gets any more out of hand! Let's go, dearie!
 * This room gives me a very bad feeling, dearie. What IS this chamber?
 * So, this fellow is the leader of those X-Nauts?
 * No! So the last Crystal Star we found on the moon... We were so blind!
 * What? This isn't very fair! All this and Bowser, too?!?
 * Mario, what should we do? We could be finished...
 * Why are we even talking about this? NEVER!

Villains

 * Doopliss: So, you figured it out by now, right, Slick? Your body and name belong to me now!
 * Lord Crump: And with that... pow! I'm gone!
 * Sir Grodus: Trust me, it's very much in your interest to be absolutely honest with us. We X-Nauts are not all rainbows and lollipops, I assure you. We're quite nasty.
 * Lord Crump: Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh! I'm gonna turn you guys into wee seeds... Wait, that's not right. I'll turn you into SEAWEED! Buh huh! Enjoy!
 * Shadow Queen: You would do well to learn your proper place, slave. No one commands me.

Other characters

 * TEC: I am this laboratory's main computer. I am the TEC-XX. Many call me TEC. You may.
 * Punio: There! Can you see it? That big tree... That's what I was telling you about. That's where we Punies live. That's home. Uh, of course, it's not just us in the tree. Lots of Jabbies and Piders, too. Well, anyway, Mario... Follow me!
 * Cotrtez: I'll turn your mustache into a bone-polisher, amigo!
 * Rawk Hawk: Rawk out, Great Gonzales!!! RAAAAAAAAAAAAWK! Listen to me, Gonzales! Anybody who's beat me is not ALLOWED to lose!!!
 * Blooey: Hey there, I'm Blooey. ...And this guy [Luigi] is a total liar! Don't listen to him! You heard his story, right? Well, he did TRY to throw me, but he completely tripped! And what happens? I end up landing in lava! LAVA, man! You think that feels good? Thanks to him, you can stick a fork in me! I'm well-done! My pale skin's crispified! I'll NEVER forgive this guy! I'm gonna make him pay if it takes my whole lifetime! That's the ONLY reason I'm still hanging around with him. YOU'LL PAY, LUIGI!
 * Jerry: It is now my goal in life to keep this guy from ever dressing as a woman again.

Prologue - A Rogue's Welcome

 * Goombella: Hey! What do you want?!? Get away from me, freak!!!
 * Lord Crump: Oh, come off it, you airhead! I know it's tough for you, but don't play dumb with me! I've seen you walking around town asking for information about the Crystal Stars. Well, now I'm doing the asking, so be a good girl and tell us what you know! Right, NOW!
 * Goombella: Never! I don't have anything to say to you creeps! EWW!
 * Lord Crump: I suppose it wouldn't be right if a sassy little lass like you met with an untimely demise... Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh! Boys, we're taking this firebrand to our fortress!
 * X-Naut: As you command, Lord Crump! We're on it!
 * Goombella: N-no! Stop right there, you weirdos! I'll scream! Really!




 * Paragoomba: Wassup, baby? Why don't you hang with us for a while? We play real nice!
 * Spiky Goomba: Man, what's a FINE-lookin' Goomba doin' with a tubby mustache man like that?!?
 * Goombella: Oh, it is, like, SO sweet that you boys think I'm cute! Seriously! Yeah, guys like you make me feel like TOTALLY BARFING! Now get out of our way!
 * Goomba: Ouch! That was cold!
 * Paragoomba: What, you're too good for us? Come off it, sister!
 * Spiky Goomba: Nobody zings us like that! Nobody! Let's get 'em!

Chapter 1 - Castle and Dragon

 * Dupree: Honh honh! Mademoiselle! Well! You could not forget me after all, oh? Such burning persistence. Thees eez why I adore you. Ah, cheri. My love... When my mind turns to you, I feel the moths of love flutter een my belly button!
 * Goombella: That's... the worst line I've ever heard! Mario, let's ditch this loser already!




 * Koops: Umm... excuse me! Err... I beg your pardon! Wait a moment, PLEASE!!! [Walks up to Mario] Pardon me for yelling like that... I was panicking. Umm... How to begin? M-My name's... Koops. I heard you're traveling to Hooktail's castle. So, anyway, I, uh... I have a favor to ask. [Long pause] Well... Ummmm... Oh, just... Just forget it. Never mind. Ignore me. Good... Good-bye. [Turns to leave]
 * Goombella: Ooookay... That was weird... What do you think that was all about? Talk about issues!




 * Koops: Oh... Golly... Umm... Hi... Hi, Koopie... Koopie Koo... Did you overhear all that?
 * Koopie Koo: Well, part of it. Koops... I THOUGHT I heard you say you're off to fight Hooktail... But... you're joking, right? I mean, you're not exactly a powerhouse... He'll eat you up!
 * Koops: I know, Koopie Koo. But I want to be tougher. For you... So I have to do this...
 * Koopie Koo: No, Koops, you don't. I mean, going off to some dangerous place? It's... It's stupid. So what if you're timid? And sort of a crybaby. I don't care about all that. I just want you to be you. So, don't go...
 * Koops: Sorry, Koopie Koo. I've made up my mind. No need to worry, though! After all, I'm travelling with Mario. He's the man!
 * Koopie Koo: FINE! IGNORE ME! [Shell spins past Mario and Koops twice] STUBBORN KOOPA!!!
 * Koops: I'm sorry, Koopie Koo... I swear to you... I will come back to you a stronger Koopa! [Mario turns to him] Well, Mario, that's that, I guess. No turning back now! Hooktail's castle awaits!




 * Koopley: (Emerging from Hooktail's mouth) YAAAAAAAAH! I'm out! I'm finally out!
 * Koops: WHOA! It... It can't be!
 * Koopley: Eh?
 * Koops: Da... DAD?!? (Walks over to Koopley)
 * Koopley: Hey! You're... You're Koops! Hey, Son! You've gotten so big since I saw you last!
 * Koops: Well, yeah, I guess I have... But who cares, Dad? I mean, golly! What happened to you? Where've you been all this time?
 * Koopley: Well, I came here a while back to deal with Hooktail, and all was well and good... But just before my finishing blow, he played a trick on me and gobbled me down whole. I've been hiding in my shell for the ten years since then... inside Hooktail's belly! And boy, was it nasty! Yuck! I'm so glad to finally get out! Ahh ha ha ha ha ha!
 * Koops: Honestly, Dad... Don't you know how worried about you we all were? For ten long years we all thought you'd... you know! We thought your game was over!
 * Koopley: Oh, sorry, Son, but... I'm OK! That's good, right? We're together now, right? Hey, speaking of which... What are you doing here, anyway?
 * Koops: Oh, come on, Dad... I came here to defeat Hooktail, who's been wreaking havoc in town. And Mr. Mario here is looking for a gem called the Crystal Star.
 * Koopley: ...Crystal Star? This wouldn't be what you're talking about, would it? (Produces the Diamond Star)
 * Koops: What's THAT?
 * Koopley: I found it down there in Hooktail's belly. Nice, huh? I kept it as a souvenir. So... this is the thing you're looking for? Perfect! Just perfect! You can have it! Come now! I won't take no for an answer. You're Koops's friend. Please take it!

Peach Interlude

 * X-Naut: O great, exalted Grodus! We brought the Princess Peach you ordered, sir!
 * Grodus: Well, well, well, my pet... Isn't it about time you told us where the map is? Princess Peach. You will speak when spoken to.
 * Paper Princess Peach: I'm telling you, I don't know.
 * Grodus: There's no point in trying to hide it, silly girl. We know you had it. We KNOW this. Trust me, it's very much in your interest to be absolutely honest with us. We X-Nauts are not all rainbows and lollipops, I assure you. We're quite nasty.
 * Paper Peach: ...
 * [A screen showing an X-Naut comes up]
 * X-Naut 2: Grodus, sir! I have news!
 * Grodus: Report at once.
 * X-Naut 2: You know that Crystal Star we thought maybe Hooktail had? Well, someone nabbed it.
 * Grodus: What? WHAT did you say? Someone else is after the Crystal Stars? And he defeated that Hooktail creature, you say? SPEAK, soldier!
 * X-Naut 2: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. There's more, too. See, according to the report... it was a mustached dude in a red hat and blue overalls who pulled the job.
 * Peach: Mario!
 * Grodus: Excuse me? Mario?
 * Peach: Oh no!
 * Grodus: Gaack ack ack ack ack! I see... So you know of this Mario, do you? Hmmm... This fool matters not at all. I'll know all about him before long, that I promise. I grow bored of talking. Take Princess Peach back to the holding room.
 * X-Naut: Yessir!
 * Grodus: And men! Take good care of Princess Peach. Understand? She is not to be harmed.
 * X-Naut: You got it, sir!
 * [The X-Nauts lead Peach away]
 * Grodus: Well, Lord Crump. If this Mario character has the map, then it's highly likely he'll find the Crystal Star we're hunting in the Boggly Woods. You must return there immediately and hasten the excavation. It must not fail.
 * Lord Crump: Whuzzat?!? Oh, yeah, sure! Roger, Grodus! And with that... Pow! I'm gone! [Leaves]
 * Grodus: I wonder if sending Lord Crump there alone is wise... He is a bit... out there... Hmmm... X-Naut! I summon you!
 * [X-Naut enters]
 * X-Naut: You rang, dude? I mean, sir? You rang, sir, Grodus, dude? Grodus? Sir Grodus, sir?
 * Grodus: Shut up. Go get the Shadow Sirens over here.
 * X-Naut: The Sh-Shadow Sirens, sir? But they...
 * Grodus: I don't care how you planned to end that sentence, fool Go get them. Now.
 * X-Naut: Gotcha! [Leaves]


 * TEC: Hello, Princess Peach.
 * Paper Peach: Huh? What? Who said that? Where are you?
 * TEC: How amusing. I am right here, before your eyes. I am this laboratory's main computer. I am the TEC-XX. Many call me TEC. You may. Sir Grodus created me to be a perfect computer, one that is flawless in its reason.
 * Paper Peach: Grodus... Wait, he's that awful dome-headed thing that interrogated me, right?
 * TEC: Sir Grodus is not awful. He is a very great person. He is marvelous.
 * Paper Peach: Well, I don't think so. But I doubt I'll change your mind... So, I'm wondering... Why did you lead me in here?
 * TEC: I am unsure. An unusual program deviation occurred when I observed you earlier. My higher-brain circuitry malfunctioned and nearly overheated at your image. Also, an unidentified impulse sped through my processors. These events are new to me. There is more to this phenomenon, as well. I ran diagnostic programs... and their solution was... I want to know more about you. I want to observe you. Such a compulsion has no precedence. Cause unknown. I, the perfect computer... I must diagnose this unusual situation. I will not fail. That is why I led you here.
 * Paper Peach: Wait... Did you just say... You want to observe me? ...To know more about me? [Gasps] Could it be that you... No! Impossible! It can't be. You're a computer...
 * TEC: What has happened to me? If you know my malfunction, you must tell me of it.
 * Paper Peach: Oh, I couldn't, really... Because... ..it's just too weird.
 * TEC: Please tell me. Please. I am the world's best computer. I am perfect. There should not be anything that I do not understand. Please.
 * Paper Peach: Well, you know, maybe... Is it possible that, well... you're... in love... ...with me?
 * TEC: "Love"? What is "love"? I cannot compute this.
 * Paper Peach: Wait, you don't know what love is? Love... How do I explain? Love tells you when you want to be with a person forever. It makes you feel happy just to see that person happy, smiling... having fun. When you love someone, you will do anything to help when he or she is in trouble.
 * TEC: Happiness? Fun...? I have definitions for these words, but... My programming is insufficient. There should be nothing I cannot comprehend. I am a perfect computer.
 * Paper Peach: "Comprehend" love? Love's not something you comprehend, TEC. You feel it.
 * TEC: Princess Peach... Will you teach me to feel this thing you call "love"?
 * Paper Peach: What? You're a computer! Why would you care about love?
 * TEC: I am perfect. There must be nothing that I cannot comprehend. Nothing. That is why you must help me understand this thing called "love." Please.

Bowser Interlude

 * Hammer Bro: Lord Bowser! I have been training day and night to help you conquer the world! Should the time come, I shall be ready! Order me as you please, your Surliness!
 * Paper Bowser: Uh... super. In that case, I order you to do some sit-ups, Tubby.


 * Kammy: Lord Bowser! Terrible news! Some bold fool abducted Princess Peach in Rogueport!
 * Paper Bowser: HUHHH-WWWHHAAATTT?!? Tell me you're lying, Kammy! How? When? WHERE? Who'd do such a thing? Besides me?
 * Kammy: I'm afraid we don't have that information quite yet... The investigation's ongoing. One thing is most certainly confirmed, however: the princess has been kidnapped.
 * Paper Bowser: Under NO circumstances is ANYONE allowed to kidnap her without MY say-so!!! I will NOT stand for this! I'm going to Rogueport, NOW! I've gotta kidnap her back!

Chapter 2 - The Great Boggly Tree

 * Punio: Elder!
 * Puni Elder: Punio! Is that you? You're looking well.
 * Punio: Why are you so calm, Elder? You're trapped! And this is our daring rescue of you!
 * Puni Elder: Oh, a rescuing, is it? Well, thanks, I suppose. Those are quite exciting, but... I think you ought to help the other Punies before you rescue me.
 * Punio: Where are the others?
 * Puni Elder: [As Petuni speaks] Hrmmmmmmm... Let me think... Where was I? Ah. Yes. Right. Your question. The rest of the Punies...
 * Petuni: Big brother, is that my Punio!?!
 * Punio: [Runs over to where Petuni is] Petuni, thank heavens! You're here, you're safe!
 * Petuni: I knew you'd come for me, Punio! I just KNEW it!
 * Punio: Of course I would, dear sister! And I've brought us a mighty ally! Look at him! We're going to get you out of there right away, I swear. You just hold tight a second.
 * Petuni: OK!
 * Punio: [Turns to Mario] Mario, listen... we've got to find the cell key or we're going nowhere!


 * Punio: Elder! We're back! We're here to rescue you!
 * Puni Elder: FOOLISH CHILD! Punio! Sit down this instant and keep your mouth shut!
 * Punio: Huh? What? Why? What did I do? Uh... Listen, Elder, I don't know why you're mad, but we came here to help you...
 * Puni Elder: Stop your mumbling, you! And mind your elders! You whelp! How could abandon your poor sister and run off like that... Absolutely shameful!
 * Punio: But... But, Elder... I just went to find help... To help rescue you...
 * Puni Elder: Oh, stop with the whining! You never interrupt an elder mid-lecture! NEVER! You wonder why the other Punies call you a "doofus" sometimes? That's why. And your time to be a doofus is over, because you have to lead our Puni tribe one day! That day is not far off! ...And THAT is why you need to listen! Now, first of all...
 * [Several hours later...]
 * Puni Elder: ...Or else! You got that? From now on, you've got to get your act together, Punio!
 * Punio: Yes, Elder. Yes, I understand.
 * Puni Elder: Bah! Only answer ONCE! ...But say, by the way, why are you here, anyway?
 * Punio: Uh, I was just telling you... We came to rescue everyone. We started with you, Elder.
 * Puni Elder: Oh! Is that so? Well, good! In that case, get me out of here already! Criminy! This cell is cold, which isn't good for the old back, and there's this damp stench... [Leaves the cell]
 * Punio: Uh... Well, there she goes... Enough standing around! [Runs to Petuni's cell] Just you wait, Petuni! I'll be right back for you!
 * Petuni: OK, big brother! I'll be waiting!


 * Punio: Uhhhhh... huh? What? What just happened?
 * Lord Crump: Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh! Man, you guys are dense! Brilliant little trap, huh? And BOY, did you bite on it! I saw you sticking that silly stone on the pedestals, so I made a fake one... Awesome. I mean, I KNEW it was great, but seeing you fall for it really gives me a warm fuzzy. Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh! Talk about complete idiots! You guys are so dumb, it hurts! Anyway, with you fools out of the picture, I can take my time hunting the Crystal Star. Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh! [Leaves]
 * Punio: Mario! What do we do? Uh... We HAVE to find a way out of here... But what can we do?


 * Puni Elder: You won't be going any farther this a-way!
 * Lord Crump: What?!? Are you nuts? Move it, you old geezer!
 * Puni Elder: [Enlarges] WHAT?!? Did you just call me an "old geezer"? Where do you get off, talking like that? You got no respect, brat! Don't think my age has a thing to do with my might! Even if it kills me, I won't let you through! I'm ready! ELDER POWER ACTIVATE!
 * Lord Crump: Whoa. What's your problem, gramma? You got an ear hair tickling your brain, or what?
 * Puni Elder: Oh! Ooh! What the... OUCH! ...Can't... take... another.. step... Ooooog... [Her back cracks] What a time for my stupid back to start acting up!
 * Lord Crump: You hotheaded old coot! You dare defy me? I could shine my boots with you!

Peach Interlude

 * TEC: Hello, Princess Peach. I am glad you came.
 * Paper Peach: That mail I sent to Mario... Did it reach him all right?
 * TEC: Yes. I can confirm that Mario received the mail.
 * Paper Peach: Is that so? Well, good... So what do you want from me today? Is there more you want to know of love?
 * TEC: You expressed regret earlier that you would not be able to dance at a ball, correct?
 * Paper Peach: Ex-CUSE me?!? Were you eavesdropping?
 * TEC: I am sorry, Princess Peach. I have been ordered to keep surveillance on you. But... it is odd... When you said that, I had an impulse to dance with you as well. How my CPU would produce this impulse is inexplicable. I must find what caused it.
 * Paper Peach: Find out what caused it? There's no reason behind such a feeling, TEC. Wanting to do something together... It's part of love. I know it. But then again... You are... well... a computer...
 * TEC: Princess Peach. Please dance with me.
 * Peach: Wait... Wait just a minute! What... am I supposed to do? You say you want to dance? It's just so... bizarre... I mean, how in the world can I dance with you? You have no arms. Or feet. Or moves.
 * TEC: Would this be an acceptable dance substitute?
 * [A hologram of Paper Peach appears]
 * Paper Peach: Oh my goodness! Is that me? Did you create that? ......Oh, all right, I guess. I must say, though, it's going to feel weird, dancing with myself...

Bowser Interlude

 * Bowser: I've found you, my Princess. I, Bowser, the mighty Koopa king, offer my greeting!
 * "Peach": .............
 * Bowser: Now, now! None of that silent treatment! You're coming to my castle with me!
 * Kammy: Mweh heh heh! Clearly she's so overcome with joy that she's been left speechless! The mind of a maiden is, well, rather... complicated. Mweh heh heh heh heh!
 * Bowser: Gra ha ha ha ha ha ha! I see! I see! How refined! How elegant! Awesome! I suppose I could live with a silent princess! It might even have its perks, you know?
 * Koopa: NOOOOOO! My... My life's treasure! I'd rather die than give up my life-sized Peach poster! [Rolls up his poster and runs inside the house]
 * Bowser: P-POSTER???
 * Kammy: Oh, my goodness me... Didn't see that coming...
 * Bowser: Great. Just great. Now I look like the huge, mighty king of GUYS WHO TALK TO POSTERS!

Chapter 3 - Of Glitz and Glory

 * Rawk Hawk: That's right! Unh! I think it's about time for you to FEEL THE RAAAAAWK! [Defeats the Koopinator] Stay down, pincushion! You don't want more of this! Why'd you even show up? Yeah, you hear me talking, Wimpy! Stay outta the ring, or feel the burn, baby! Tell you what: do about a million push-ups and then come see Uncle Rawk Hawk! I'll give you another world-class spanking and send you crying home to Momma again!
 * Grubba: Hooooo-WEEEEEE! CHAMP! That was a grade-A whuppin'! Yer thoughts on the match!
 * Rawk Hawk: You call that a match? Ain't there a fighter out there who can challenge me? No! No one can! Hear me? Ain't a fighter out there that can even make me sweat! They're all a bunch of little crybabies, running around in stinky diapers! You got a bone to pick?!? Come fight me! Bring it! I'll take on anyone! You weaklings might as well stick to video-game fighting, OK? 'Cause I'll hurt you. YEAH! NUMBER ONE, BABY! RAWK HAWK IS THE CHAMP! Harharharharharhar! [Holds up the champion's belt]


 * Jolene: Well, here we are. This is your locker room. You're starting in the minor league, of course, as you've just now started your career. If you don't like this dingy room, I suggest you work your way through the ranks.


 * Rawk Hawk: Studly guy, coming through! Listen up, losers! I've been hearing about some rising star tearing up the league... [Turns around and sees Mario] It's you, isn't it! Yeah! You fit the bill, skinny! A mustache named Gonzales! Man, I came all the way over her for YOU?!? Harharhar! What a waste of time!
 * "Paper Yoshi Kid": [Mario realises something and turn to him] What's your deal, Gonzales, huh? Oh! The champ's belt... [Walks over to look]
 * Rawk Hawk: What in the... Hey! You! Get too close to the Hawk and you might get RAWKED!
 * "Paper Yoshi Kid": I'm not sure, but it definitely looks weird. I think you're right, Gonzales. FAKE! [Mario agrees]
 * Rawk Hawk: Hey, you think you can just smack-talk the Rawk Hawk? I DON'T THINK SO! You got some guts, calling my belt a fake, you shrimpy, no-belt-having wimps! Didn't your momma teach you any manners?!?
 * "Paper Yoshi Kid": Whoa, sorry, yellow dude! I didn't mean to rip on your big, bad belt!
 * Rawk Hawk: Stop making fun of me, punk! You're alive ONLY 'cause we ain't in the ring right now! If I see you under those lights, I'll tear you apart! Remember the RAWWWWWWK! [Leaves]
 * "Paper Yoshi Kid": Wow, I really pushed that dude's buttons, Huh? Well, forget him! We got a problem! Your map pointed to Glitzville, right? If that dude's belt has a FAKE Crystal Star on it... Then where the heck is the real one at?

Peach interlude

 * Paper Peach: [Disguised as an X-Naut] Excuse me... Sir Grodus?
 * Grodus: Yes, what is it? Speak!
 * Paper Peach: Er, well... It's about Princess Peach... What do you plan to do with her going forward?
 * Grodus: Hmmmmmm? Something is wrong with your voice, X-Naut.
 * Paper Peach: [Gulps]
 * Grodus: Perhaps I have a throat lozenge... No. Well, never mind. Oh, about Princess Peach? I have no interest in what that woman has to say. Just keep her locked in the room. But don't ever, EVER treat her roughly. You understand? Tell the others as well.
 * Peach: But... Uh, why... Why in the world are we keeping her here, then?
 * Grodus: That's none of your business! Don't forget your place, you impudent worm! Concentrate on getting the legendary treasure! That is all I require of you. We X-Nauts need that treasure to conquer the world! Don't forget it!
 * Paper Peach: Conquer... the world? Legendary... treasure?
 * Grodus: What are you blathering about now? Hmmmmm... something IS odd about you...
 * Paper Peach: N... No... Nothing odd! Uh, so... roger, or whatever. P-please excuse me. [Leaves]

Bowser interlude

 * Paper Bowser: Stupid, cheating Mario... Who would've thought that fool would be in Glitzville...
 * Kammy: Did you say something, your Rudeness?
 * Paper Bowser: Uh, no! Nothing at all, as far as you know! Hey! Did you see those little bite-size shrimps? What were those things?
 * Kammy: Those were some Punies. One of them should know about the Crystal Star... They fear you, so they're all hiding. Let's find them all and get the info we need.

Chapter 4 - For Pigs the Bell Tolls

 * Freddy: Oh no! The bell rang again! Oh... This is so awful... Who could it be now? [Turns into a pig]


 * Beldam: Mwee hee hee hee hee... Yes... This time we'll take that Mario and get his map! With this Superbomb here, there's no way we can fail. No, not likely...
 * Marilyn: Guhhhh...
 * Beldam: Vivian! Hand me that glorious Superbomb!
 * Vivian: Huh?
 * Beldam: Vivian... Don't you dare... Does that "Huh?" mean what I think it does?
 * Vivian: I... I never had it! You were holding it just two seconds ago! You said it was too important to trust me with!
 * Beldam: Oh, you terrible LIAR! Stop making up stories to cover for yourself! If I don't have it, then OBVIOUSLY you must have it! And OBVIOUSLY you lost it! Or... are you trying to imply that I lost it, you little lollygagging worm?
 * Vivian: I... No, of course not, Beldam...
 * Beldam: Well, we can't do much without it, now can we?!? Oh, you are SUCH an idiot... Very well... I'm sure you must have dropped it around here somewhere... So why don't you go look for it while Marilyn and I go take a well-earned siesta. And if you don't find it... Well, you know what'll happen, don't you?
 * Vivian: I... I get punished...
 * Beldam: That's right, you little twit, so get cracking! Come, Marilyn. Let's leave this useless little fool to her chore.
 * Marilyn: Guh-huh...
 * [Beldam and Marilyn leave]


 * Goombella: What? He ran away... I mean... Wait, just what the heck is going on here? That wasn't the real Mario?
 * Koops: Did we just get shellwinked?
 * Flurrie: How could I ever mistake my dear Mario for another... Oh, silly Flurrie!
 * Paper Yoshi Kid: ...So, who's this girl, huh? Isn't she one of the Shadow Sirens you guys mentioned? Why would Gonzales pair up with one of those creeps?
 * Vivian: Well, I, uh...
 * [Paper Mario steps in front of Vivian and nods at her]
 * Vivian: Oh... Mario... Thanks for sticking up for me...
 * Paper Yoshi Kid: Well, thanks to her, I guess you came through this OK... No sweat, right?
 * Vivian: Uh... Listen, Mario... Sorry about earlier... I'd be happy to travel with you if you'll have me.
 * [Mario nods]

Peach Interlude

 * Grodus: Are you sure about this? Speak up, X-Naut!
 * X-Naut PhD: Yes, sir, quite sure. I pored over all our research of the Thousand-Year Door... And it appears the sealing power has definitely been weakening, as Beldam said.
 * Grodus: Finally, the treasure of legend... The ancient power of darkness will soon be ours! Listen, and listen well! Keep giving the Crystal Star search top priority! Of course, that also includes the elimination of Mario! That meddling scum...
 * X-Naut PhD: Got it, sir! [Leaves]
 * Grodus: Soon, I will have the power that has slept for a millennium... So very soon! And when that glorious day dawns, I'll throw the world into the depths of terror! No one can stop me now. All will kneel before the X-Naut regime! And then I, Grodus, will build a new world! A perfect, ideal world... Yes. A world made by me, about me, and for me! GAAACK ACK ACK ACK ACK!

Bowser Interlude

 * Paper Bowser: Haaaack... Oooooooog... A-CHOO! That was terrible... I gotta get into shape...
 * Paper Bob-Omb: Who's...? WAAAAUGH!!! It's Bowser, the Koopa king!!!
 * Green Paper Toad: He'll eat us!
 * Orange Paper Toad: Someone help!
 * [The townsfolk run as Kammy flies in with Glitzville merchandise]
 * Kammy: THERE you are, Lord Bowser! What are you doing here? I've been looking all over! If I may ask, where have you been, Your Sogginess?
 * Paper Bowser: ...Swimming.
 * Kammy: Really? Neat! As for me... Glitzville was FANTASTIC! The fights were SO COOL! I was overcome! Why, even at my age, I was shaking what my momma gave me! And then... the Hot Dogs! Oh, my gracious! YUMMERLY! You have fun, too? Hm?
 * Paper Bowser: ... GRAAARGH!!! [Breathes fire on Kammy]
 * Kammy: Lord Bowser... Is that a "no"?
 * Paper Bowser: It was terrible! You hear me? I swallowed a dang blooper! I wanted to have FUN! But forget it! It's over! Go get me some solid info on Princess Peach and the Crystal Stars! NOW!!!

Chapter 5 - The Key to Pirates

 * Flavio: And what about you, Squinty? You turned to jelly when you saw all those ghosts!
 * Pa-Patch: What are you talkin' 'bout?!? You were the one quakin' in 'is boots, fancy pants!
 * Flavio: ...wait. Wait one moment. Did... Did you just call the great Flavio "fancy pants"?
 * Pa-Patch: That's right, fancy pants! Fancy pants! Fancy pants! Fancy pants! Fancy pants!
 * Flavio: Why, you little CYCLOPS! Flavio demands satisfaction! You! Me! Hammers! At dawn!
 * Pa-Patch: Oy, that's right fine by me! I can't wait to put a few dents in those fancy threads!


 * Cortez: NOOOOOOOO! My treasure! [Shrinks] I am done for... [Grows again] Yohohohohohohoho! You are foolish, amigo! For I am not dead! Well, technically, I was already dead... but my spirit endures, tied to my treasure! So you cannot do anything to me! I do not live, amigo! Still, guarding this treasure for hundreds of years is almost as boring as death!
 * [Mario raises his arm]
 * Cortez: What? You are not even interested in my treasure?
 * [Mario nods]
 * Cortez: Then why are you here?
 * [Mario indicates the Sapphire Star in Cortez's treasure pile]
 * Cortez: Huh?!? You want this, amigo?
 * [Mario nods]
 * Cortez: This little rock over here? Are you serious? Well, that's no big deal... Here, take it. What do I need one or two extra gems for? I did not really like that one, anyway. [Gives Mario the Sapphire Star]


 * Flavio: Ah, Mario! Welcome back to you, my stalwart captain! So... have you found the treasure? How is our little expedition faring, hm?
 * [Paper Mario speaks]
 * Pa-Patch: What?!? The spirit o' Cortez was guardin' the treasure? An' you beat 'im, but you left all the treasure there?!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! What were you THINKIN'?!? Were you tryin' to be NICE?!? Awww, well... That's what I like about you, I guess...


 * Four-Eyes: So sorry to surprise you... No, wait... No need for that fake politeness anymore... Good job getting the Crystal Star! Oh, yeah! Seriously! Good job getting it for ME!
 * Pa-Patch: Oy, now... Ain't that good ol' Four-Eyes?
 * Green Toad: Yeah, that IS Four-Eyes! What's he doing over there? HEEEEEEEY! FOUR-EYES! IT'S DANGEROUS UP THERE!
 * Four-Eyes: [Fires his ship's cannon] Pffffft! What's with this lukewarm reception, huh? Dramatic entrance, here! Oh, whatever! I'll spell it out for you idiots! You may have known me as Four-Eyes... But I'm actually... [Sheds his disguise]
 * Lord Crump: Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh! The great LORD CRUMP!!! Oh, MAN, did I fool you! I was the mastermind in the shadows, running this voyage! It HURTS to be this good! Now, Mario! Enough of this! I'm on a schedule, here! Hand over the Crystal Star! ...Because you know what'll happen if you don't... [Fires the cannon again] STARBOARD CANNONS! PORT CANNONS! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! BUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH!
 * Flavio: AIIIYEEEEEEE! YIKES! Four-Eyes was a pirate all this time? Madness! Well, what are we all standing around for? Cannons, people! We must flee!
 * Pa-Patch: Look, we're sailors... We're not much good for anythin' wifout a ship to sail!
 * Flavio: Wait! I have it! I am a genius! We have a ship at hand! And a fine one, I must say! Mario! Take me... to Cortez! Yes, my brain remembered what you said! You said that Cortez had a ship! If the legend is true, then we should be unstoppable in that cursed ship!
 * Green Toad: Flavio, what are you talking about? That's crazy! This is Cortez the pirate you're talking about, here! Even if Mario did beat him... Why would he lend YOU his ship, huh? He'll cream you! Kuh-ree-eem you!
 * Flavio: Hey! I may be a coward and a cad, but I still lead you! I have a duty to protect you! We will be cannon fodder if we sit and wag our tongues! We must at least try Cortez! I want to hear no complaints! I am your leader, and I will negotiate with this Cortez! Now, Mario! Take me to this pirate scum, this instant!

Peach Interlude

 * Grodus: You blew it again, Lord Crump. You sicken me.
 * Lord Crump: Look, I'm sorry. Seriously. We thought... We thought we had the guy cornered, but...
 * Grodus: Stop talking, Lord Crump. You just stand by until my next order. And, Lord Crump? Think of this as your last chance. Understand?
 * Lord Crump: Roger that.
 * Grodus: Then leave. [Lord Crump disappears] Hey! You there!
 * [An X-Naut walks up to Sir Grodus]
 * X-Naut: What is it, sir?
 * Grodus: Tell the Shadow Sirens to attack Mario again. And tell them not to fail this time.
 * X-Naut: You got it, sir. [Leaves]
 * Grodus: I have one Crystal Star in my hands... and Mario has five. I must take some measures.

Chapter 6 - 3 Days of Excess

 * Zip Toad: Hey, I think not, Slick! You think you can hold me? No Way! Beldam would flip if I let that happen! [Reveals himself to be--]
 * Doopliss: This whole Zip Toad thing was just a means to an end! It's me, suckers! Doopliss! Beldam's plan to gooify Mario didn't exactly work, so I'll be cutting and running now! I'll leave the rest to Beldam! See ya, suckers!


 * Excess Express Conductor: Thank you! Boy, it's like all you di for three days was save us! How can we ever thank you?
 * Excess Express Waitress: Everyone's safe now!☆ It's all thanks to you!!☆
 * Chef Shimi: OH, THANK YOU MUCH! You shaved my life! No! Stupid tongue of mine! You SAVED my life!
 * Pennington: So, did you all know? This dashing fellow has been the famous Luigi all along!
 * Excess Express Conductor: We will soon arrive at Poshley Heights! Ladies and gentlemen... Please prepare to disembark.


 * Goldbob: You wouldn't happen to have a train set for sale, would you? A gold one, perhaps?


 * Beldam: Mwee hee hee hee hee! You're one step too late! We have the Crystal Star!
 * [Beldam and Marilyn teleport away, leaving Doopliss behind]
 * Doopliss: Hey! Don't leave without me! [Jumps out the broken window]

Peach Interlude

 * Grodus: What is the matter with you idiots? Falling for a fake Crystal Star? That's asinine!
 * X-Naut: Sorry, dude. I mean, sir!
 * Grodus: So let me guess... This means Mario managed to get the real Crystal Star?
 * X-Naut: Uh, I'm gonna say... maybe?
 * Grodus: Urrgh… This mustached menace has nearly every Crystal Star now! They were mine! I think I'd better alter my plan a bit...
 * X-Naut: Before you do, Sir Grodus… I think I'd better tell you something...
 * Grodus: What is it, fool?!?
 * X-Naut: [Approaches Grodus] ...Mumble mumble…
 * Grodus: WHAAAAAAAAT?!? Are you sure?!? Speak!
 * X-Naut: No joke, dude. I mean, affirmative, Sir Dude! That is... I'm positive, sir!
 * Grodus: Hrrrrgh… TREASON!


 * Grodus: TEC... You miserable machine. We all know what you're up to, traitor.
 * TEC: Sir Grodus... I...
 * Grodus: In my most paranoid moments, I never thought my own computer would betray me. Well, it doesn't really matter in the end, I suppose... Especially since it ends here.
 * Peach: You monster! What are you planning to do with him?!?
 * Grodus: Gaaack ack ack ack! Only one thing to do with a malfunctioning computer! Cut the circuit and delete all the programs and data that caused the malfunction! Obviously, all data relating to Princess Peach must go, as well... Yes, we must be absolutely sure nothing like this ever happens again...
 * TEC: No... I am... I am normal... There is no malfunction...
 * Grodus: Pipe down, TEC. X-Nauts: at the same time, press the red buttons on TEC's sides.
 * X-Nauts: Got it, sir! [Push the red buttons]
 * Paper Peach: TEC! NO!
 * TEC: Mail... sent........... Princess Peach........ I.........l.........o......v..........e...........y...........o........u.......... ..... ... ...
 * Tannoy: Deletion complete.
 * Paper Peach: TEC!
 * Grodus: Gaaack ack ack ack! Too bad, Princess Peach. TEC is no longer with us.
 * Paper Peach: No! You inhuman beast! How could you?
 * Grodus: Princess Peach... just stop it. This is no time to be worrying about a computer. We have some very important things for you to do now... Yes, VERY important...

Bowser Interlude

 * Bowser: Grrrrmph... Hrrrgh... Bluh. I've got no Crystal Stars... I can't find Princess Peach... Twilight Town was... Well, it wasn't exactly glorious. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!? If this keeps up, Mario's gonna steal everything from my grasp! AS USUAL!!!
 * Kammy: Your Massiveness! [Flies down to Bowser] We did it! The Magikoopa scouts found a suspicious underground chamber! It isn't even on any maps! Yeah! REALLY suspicious! SOMETHING must be there!

Chapter 7 - Mario Shoots the Moon

 * TEC: You... are Mario... are... you not? It... is pleasant to meet you... I... am the main computer of this fortress... I am TEC. I must tell you something.... That is why... I brought you to this place... Princess P... Peach.......... I... am so s... sorry. Most of my data was er... erased... and my main power unit was shut... down. Now running on backup power with... only cached memory... trying to stay... operational. M... Mario... You know that Peach is not here, do you not? Please save... Peach... Please... please... Princess Peach... is... with Grodus in the... Palace of Shadow... I had to... tell you that... But... backup... power... failing... Mario... Use... the teleporter room... to get back to... Rogueport. Teleporter room is... on... sublevel... 2... of the fortress... I will release... the room lock.
 * Vivian: Princess Peach is in the Palace of Shadow?
 * TEC: Please hurry... There is barely enough... power left... to activate the teleporter............ I will... cease all AI functions... to send power to... the teleporter... for you.
 * Vivian: But... what'll happen to you?
 * TEC: When the power is all gone... I will... Cease to exist... as an artificial consciousness. But... if it will... save Peach... I would... gladly do this. Because until I met Peach... I knew nothing of... love... Do not worry... about me... I am just a computer... Just... a... machine... Mario... You must save Peach... I ask you... Please... And tell her... Thank you... for... me...
 * Vivian: We understand, TEC.
 * TEC: So... Hurry to the teleporter room... now... Mario... Save... her... (Shuts down)

Chapter 8 - The Thousand-Year Door

 * Bowser: Urrrgh... That was a surprise... I didn't think I'd fall... Have I put on weight?
 * Kammy Koopa: Your chunkiness! Are you OK? [Flies down to Bowser]
 * [Bowser gets up and notices Mario in front of him]
 * Bowser: GWAAAAAAAAAAARF! Why is MARIO here?!?
 * [Kammy turns to see Peach]
 * Kammy Koopa: And Peach as well?!?
 * Bowser: I don't know what's going on here, but I'm gonna put an end to it RIGHT NOW! Mario! First, I pound you. Then, I take the Princess! And then, the treasure!


 * Shadow Queen: Who... has called me back?
 * Grodus: It is I, my Shadow Queen!
 * Shadow Queen: You... Very well... Where is the vessel?
 * Grodus: It is here! The girl who lies before you!
 * Shadow Queen: Yessss... A fine vessel... Now... [Possesses Peach]


 * Shadow Peach: Muh huh huh huh huh... Witness my rebirth... My soul has not yet fully accustomed to this vessel... But I will learn to control this body soon enough...
 * Vivian: P-Peach...
 * Grodus: Yes, my glorious witch queen... Destroy these impudent fools!
 * Shadow Peach: Who are you that would command me? What sort of being are you?
 * Grodus: Huh? What do you mean?!? I thought you were bound to obey the one who woke you! Enough of this prattle! Do as I say!!! NOW! Or I will send you back to the depths...
 * Shadow Peach: [Destroys Grodus' body] You would do well to learn your proper place, slave. No one commands me. [Destroys Grodus' head] My powers are not yet fully restored... But... they will come in time...

Ending

 * Professor Frankly: So... You're leaving, then. Well, that's too bad... Having you around really did wonders for my research...
 * Goombella: Aw, Professor, we'd never let you monopolize Mario for your research, anyway! Besides, you said I could be your research assistant for next term!
 * Professor Frankly: Hrmm... Yes, that's right. And I thank you, Goombella. Mario... Even after you leave here, please don't forget about us, all right? And we, in return, will wish that you find all the best in the future.
 * Goombella: Never ever give up, Mario! That's the most important thing I learned from you... Thanks, Mario. Just promise me you'll think of me now and again, OK?
 * Koops: Ummm... Mario... Thanks to you, I've found courage and inner strength. I don't know how to say this, but... I think I like myself more since I've known you... And I feel like I've grown closer to my dad. It's all so hard to put into words... Ummmmm...
 * Flurrie: My dear, dear Mario... I am ready to make my comeback in the theater now. I've found so many things on this journey that I can only express on stage... And with these new themes... I am so ready for that wonderful spotlight again! Please do come see me once we've finished rehearsing! And bring Peach too, dear!
 * Paper Yoshi Kid: Gonzales... Oh, yeah, wait. I've gotta stop doing that. It's MARIO, right? Well... You'll always be Gonzales to me, man! Because I was born in the Glitz Pit, and Gonzales is, and always will be, the champ! So let's meet again, Gonzales! I mean it, man! (...Sniff.)
 * Vivian: Uhhhh... Mario... I... I feel... I feel like I've grown to lo-- Uh, yeah, um, never mind... Y-Yeah, I sure do think that you and Peach make a nice couple... Hmm hmm hmm... I... I'll never forget my time traveling with you. So... Don't forget me either...
 * Admiral Bobbery: Well, old boy... It was most agreeable that I had the chance to meet you... If not for you, then my dear Scarlette would still gaze down on a broken Bob-omb... But now, I'm off to sea again! I know Scarlette would have wanted it that way... Let's see each other again, Mario! And this time, let it be on the high seas, old boy!
 * Ms. Mowz: Well, it is time for us to part, my little cheese-hunk. But I will not say farewell. Because... you're welcome here anytime. And since you're welcome, you should come anytime you please, sweetie! Now, be careful... and until we meet again... adieu.
 * Toadsworth: Well, the boat's almost here...
 * Punio: MARIOOOO!
 * (Punio and Petuni show up with a pair of mushrooms)
 * Punio: Ah, we made it just in time!
 * Petuni: Take these with you!
 * Punio: We brought them so you'd have something to eat on the boat! Yummy!
 * Petuni: These are VERY fresh mushrooms!
 * (Mario and Peach take the mushrooms)
 * Paper Princess Peach: Oh, how lovely! Thank you! Everyone... If not for all of you, the world would have fallen into a horrible darkness. But your brave hearts strove for peace... and saved this world! I don't know how to thank you... but know that the entire world is in your debt!
 * Professor Frankly: What? Nonsense! We're the ones who should be thanking you, Princess! If you hadn't come to our little town... We'd all be puppets for the Shadow Queen and Grodus! The thought gives me hives!

RDM Registration

 * Dear Mr. MARIO!
 * Thanks for registering with Rogueport Direct Mail (RDM) service.
 * Your kind friend MR. FRANKLY, referred you to us.
 * Our direct mail service will provide you with regular, timely news updates. We hope you enjoy our service!

RDM Premiere Issue

 * Rogueport Today
 * Bringing you all the up-to-the-moment news as it happens! We have details of yet another incident at the parlor in West Rogueport. Outraged by the high Pianta prices, Goomfrey (age 30) is suspected of violently shaking the Pianta Changer (age 5), causing the Pianta Changer's alarm to sound, which lead to the Pianta changer ceasing to function for a brief period. The parlor was forced to close down temporarily. The victim was quoted as saying: "I am a machine. No matter how hard I am shook, I feel no pain. End interview."
 * Shop Reporter Go!
 * Get all the hottest shopping news about all the hottest shopping spots in the world! If Petalburg's your destination, you can't miss the shop that's been the talk of the town for the last 20 years: Niff T.'s shop! The friendly owner has long thought to be the most eligible bachelor in town, but word is he's secretly in love with the girl at the inn! The wise and witty shopkeeper had this to say: "You only live once, so enjoy it while you can! Shop now at good old Niff T.'s shop!"
 * Cooking for Rookies
 * Interested in cooking but don't know what to cook? Try our chef's delicious suggestions! Today's yummy recipe: Fried Shrooms! Just season your mushrooms, sauté them up, and they're ready for the dinner table!
 * Editor's Note
 * We hope you enjoyed RDM's premiere issue! You can look forward to future editions coming your way soon!

RDM Issue 2

 * Rogueport Today
 * Old Toad settles in!
 * It's come to light that after settling into life at our inn, Toadsworth (age 60) has often been spotted in the company of Zess T. (age 55). The notoriously finicky Zess T. surprised all when she was heard saying "What's wrong with spending time with my little Toadle-toes?" The possibilities such a comment opens has our eyes and ears glued to the situation!
 * Shop Reporter Go!
 * Our focus of attention this week? Pungent's Great Tree Shop!
 * Pungent's easygoing management philosophy is: "Money and girls are fickle, so easy come, easy go, y'know?" He fully understands why his shop isn't busier, too: "We're well hidden, but like any good treasure, we're worth lookin' for!" He even has a special offer for RDM readers: "For the next 15 minutes, I'll give you double shop points!"
 * Cooking for Rookies
 * Today's Yummy Recipe: Spicy Soup!
 * Steep a Fire Flower in hot water and... Presto! You're done! The perfect first meal for kids to cook!
 * Editor's Note
 * We've been working all night to bring you this edition of RDM. Look forward to more hot, hot news in Issue 3, coming soon!

RDM Issue 3

 * Rogueport Today
 * Noon, Today
 * The Excess Express ran late for the first time in ten years today as a suspicious incident activated station security measures. Area youth and huge train enthusiast Laki (age 18) was found taking pictures in an employee-only area near the Express and was gang-tackled by local Samaritans. "I understand how much people are into trains, but we've got safety and security measures to uphold!" blustered the train engineer. The youth was released with just a warning... this time.
 * Shop Reporter Go!
 * This week we highlight Glitzville Sales Stall!
 * Though they've never attracted as many customers as the nearby Hot Dog Stand, the proprietor is certain that any day now, people will in fact notice that his shop exists! Early on in our interview, the owner of the nearby Hot Dog Stand cornered our reporter and had this to say: "Who needs Sales Stall! My Hot Dog gives you all you want! Only 10 coins now!" A minor scuffle broke out shortly thereafter, but we're happy to report that no one was seriously injured. Apparently everyone in Glitzville knows how to roll with a punch...
 * Cooking for Rookies
 * Hey there, rookies! Flex your bendy straws, because today's recipe is for Fresh Juice! Just blend Honey Syrup until you reach a nice, frothy texture and enjoy! Try one in the morning to start your day off right!
 * Editor's Note
 * We're just getting started, people! Wait until you see the glorious next issue!

RDM Issue 4

 * Rogueport Today
 * Dusk, Today
 * Goomez (age 40), known for napping in the flowers in the west side park, was found eating flowers and given a stern warning by authorities. Asked for comment, Goomez stated, "Well, I just really, really love flowers, and I was hanging out, and before I knew it, they were in my mouth... I'm so ashamed." Citizens of Rogueport responded with disbelief and grudging support for strengthening of flower-conservation efforts.
 * Shop Reporter Go!
 * This time, we introduce the Twilight Shop!
 * Watching the husband and wife proprietors of this shop at work is a heartwarming sight, but don't get on the hubby's bad side! "Don't you go smiling at MY wife!" says the jovially jealous shopkeeper. "I'm hers for life, and your fancy big-city teeth aren't gonna change that!" Well, who could doubt their eternal love? Surely not this reporter. We pressed the shopkeeper for further comment, but regret that his words are unprintable here...But we did learn from the little missus that there will be a double-point sale for all RDM readers! Just show her this screen in the next 15 minutes to double your points on any purchase!
 * Cooking for Rookies
 * All right, my little rookies, we're on to an intermediate-level recipe today! The dish is a Healthy Salad... Just slice up a Turtley Leaf and a Horsetail, mix them together, and you're done! Great for dieters!
 * Editor's Note
 * That's all for today! But check your mailbox soon for another exciting issue!

RDM Issue 5

 * Rogueport Today
 * Local mystic Merluvlee (age 25) was taken to the hospital today, followed quickly by hordes of concerned fans. Luckily, according to a spokesperson for the hospital, Merluvlee suffered from nothing more than a severe case of indigestion caused by a wild binge on eight Shroom Steaks. The divine diviner exclaimed that her "aura was brimming with the power of steak," but this reporter can't help but wonder why she failed to predict the gastrointestinal adventure in the first place...
 * Shop Reporter Go!
 * This time, let's head to Keelhaul Galleria!
 * We are proud to toast the entrepreneurial spirit shown by the managerial team who brought free commerce to this deserted island! "I really wanted to do something that had never been done," gushed the unsinkable proprietor and former fight fan. "So call me 'The Invincible Shopmaster' from now on. I'm 100% serious. Print that." We wish him all the success that he can grab with two hands and wrestle to the mat!
 * Cooking for Rookies
 * Listen up, rookies, because here's another intermediate-level recipe! Today's dish is the single-serving Peach Tart! Take a Peachy Peach, add Cake Mix, stir, and bake! Try that at teatime, rookies...
 * Editor's Note
 * Thanks for reading the best rag in the land! See you next issue!

RDM Issue 6

 * Rogueport Today
 * An unknown businessman (age 30) was taken into custody today by port authorities as he tried to board the blimp carrying large amounts of a volatile red liquid. After a few tense moments, authorities identified the liquid as a spicy condiment, and the businessman was subsequently released. Our RDM reporters were mystified by the following unsolicited comment: "Buy our new Hot Sauce, folks!"
 * Shop Reporter Go!
 * This week, we have the pleasure of introducing the fabulously luxurious shop on the Excess Express, the Sales Stall!
 * This unique boutique on the exclusive train of the independently wealthy just reeks of money, but perhaps the idyllic landscapes rushing past will loosen your purse strings! Says the impeccably dressed manager of sales: "Come one, come all, be you rich or not at all, to our lovely Sales Stall!" He then announced a double-point sale for all RDM readers! Just show him this screen in the next 15 minutes to double your points on any purchase!
 * Cooking for Rookies
 * This is it, rookies! You've finally made it to the big leagues! Today's recipe is an advanced-level one. Today, we'll be making Ink Pasta. Just boil Fresh Pasta until perfectly al dente and mix lightly with Inky Sauce. Perfecto! Get ready for gourmet chow tonight!
 * Editor's Note
 * Can you believe it, dear readers? The next issue will be our last! Don't miss it!

RDM Issue 7

 * Rogueport Today
 * In a shocking series of event today, local authorities report that Zess T. (age 55) delivered a left hook to the jaw of gadabout Flavio (age 25) late this very afternoon. Our investigation has revealed that the cause of the feisty fisticuffs may have been Zess T.'s anger that a shipment of gourmet ingredients spoiled on the dock because Flavio had held up the dock crew with a marathon two-day tale of high-seas adventure. While Flavio is recovering from temporary memory loss, Zess T. has already been approached by a Glitz Pit talent scout, Don Goombatti. "I think the kid's got spunk. We'll take the world by storm!" said Goombatti.
 * Shop Reporter Go!
 * This week we have an explosive exclusive on the shop in Fahr Outpost, Northwinds Mart!
 * It's so cold there that all of the merchandise is frozen to the counter...Just kidding! The smiling shop manager showed us a fascinating variety of good as the sweet-faced little miss explained, "It's cold out, but I do best to explode inside shop to warm place up, da? So come on it! This place is big, too, folks, so we haven't even seen all of it yet! Come on down and see it for yourself!
 * Cooking for Rookies
 * This is the final installment of Cooking for Rookies! Just to make sure we leave you with a smile on your face, our last recipe will be for Couple's Cake! Just simmer Spicy Soup for a few minutes, then drop in a Snow Bunny...and presto! Before your very eyes, the mixture will congeal and take the form of a cake! Eat it with someone you love!
 * Editor's Note
 * This is it, dear readers! The final issue! We here at the RDM office have enjoyed every minute of our hard work to bring you the best news and features! May we meet again...perhaps sooner than you think! (Wink, wink...)

Luigi's Adventure in the Waffle Kingdom

 * Paper Luigi: [to Paper Mario and his partner] Well, like I said, it's a really long story, but here goes.

Part 1: Waffle Kingdom Letter

 * Paper Luigi: [to Paper Mario and his partner] My big brother - that's you, Bro - got a letter from Princess Peach and took off. Left behind as usual, I was cooking a snack at home when another letter arrived. We don't get so much mail, so I was thinking, "Huh?". This is what the letter said: "Sirs! My name is Crepe. I am a cabinet minister in the far-off Waffle Kingdom. Our land has been attacked by the Chestnut King, who took our Princess Eclair. I ask, nay, BEG for your assistance! The Waffle Kingdom needs your skills. I humbly request your prompt response, sirs. Sincerely, Crepe". Well, I don't remember it exactly, but I think it went something like that. With Mario - that's you, Bro - gone, it fell to me to answer this plea! Hesitating only a teensy bit, I headed to the Waffle Kingdom to investigate. Oh, no, first, I wrote a note to myself about what I was cooking. Then I left. Once I reached the Waffle Kingsome, I met Minister Crepe, who filled me in. The Chestnut King had kidnapped Princess Eclair and vanished. Apparently, though, some oracle said a Mavelous Compass could locate her. This Marvelous Compass had been broken into several parts by an ancient curse... and those parts had been scattered across the land. Can you believe it, Bro? Each part of the Marvelous Compass was said to point to the next. And since one of the parts was embedded in the tiara worn by the princess... I surmised that once I collected all the parts, I'd find her. Smart, huh? The minister gave me the compass base spoken of in Waffle fables... When it activated, the entire thing lit right up, indicating the deep south... It was pointing me toward the Rumblebump Volcano on the Pudding Continent. So, yeah, here I am! I'm sailing out of Rogueport for Rumblebump Volcano.It's probably gonna be pretty dangerous, but... I gotta rescue that princess!

Part 2: Rumblebump Volcano

 * Paper Luigi: [to Paper Mario and his partner] As soon as my ship docked on the Pudding Continent, I set out for the volcano. To reach my destination, I spent several days fording through dense jungle... Scary beasts were all over! More than once I thought I was done for, Bro! I may have screamed a bit. To scare them off, you know. But as fate would have it... A Blooper named Blooey heard me shrieking and found me in this one town. Blooey was on a journey of his own, but he joined me after hearing my tale. Now, Blooey's a madman. Back in his hometown, they call him 'White Torpedo'! Yeah, he's a tough guy. Anyway, he helped me fight to Rumplebumb Volcano. This place was all about bubbling lava pools and heat that'd make the sun sweat. AND, the place was lousy with evil traps designed to protect the compass piece. The scariest one of all was this gigantic, 100-foot-tall statue that stomped around. Now, the weakness of this giant statue, Bro, was a red gem on its forehead... Now, I can jump high, but not high enough to reach this thing by a long shot. So I came up with this plan for Blooey to hit that weak spot! 'All you, man!' I said! I waited for a pause in the statue's movements and hucked Blooey up there! And bull's-eye! The White Torpedo saved the day! That jewel got whacked! It was a critical hit, and that stone statue toppled and crumbled into pieces! Once that was done, it was an easy stroll to the room where the treasure was. Unfortunately, Princess Eclair was nowhere to be found... But I got another piece of the Marvelous Compass, and put it in the base... Now the compass pointed west, to Plumpbelly Village on the Strudel Continent. So I set sails once again and came back here to Rogueport to recharge. That's what happened to me lately, but I'll be heading back out soon.

Part 3: Plumpbelly Village

 * Paper Luigi: [to Paper Mario and his partner] Once we made landfall on the Strudel Continent, we made for Plumpbelly Village. Once we got there, though, we immediately noticed that something was wrong. We learned from the mayor that the town was ruled by a giant snake named Hizza! He said his own daughter was gonna be offered up as a sacrifice to this beast, too! So, of course, being heroic, I offered myself up to go in her stead! Brave, huh? Now, the custom was for sacrifices to be dressed as brides, so I got all dolled up... I was one hot sacrifice, Bro. I looked so good, I fooled our foes and got in Hizza's lair. It was kind of rough fighting in that gown, but I managed. Chiffon really chafes, Bro! I finally found Hizza... and the snake had a second head on his tail! Talk about scary! I fainted real quick, but when I came to, I managed to distract both heads... It reared up, fangs bared to attack, and at that moment, I deftly lunged left! His gaping mouths smashed into one another...and he vanished in a cloud of smoke! A shining plate fell down on the spot where Hizza's body had been coiled... Yes! Another compass piece! I set it, and it pointed east, to Circuit Break Island! Just as I was about to leave town, the mayor asked me to stay and marry his daughter. I thought about it, she was sorta cute, but we ended up sneaking off the next morning. I mean, I still have to rescue Princess Éclair from the Chestnut King! And...when the Marvelous Compass activated this time, I heard somebody's voice. It was so beautiful, Bro... I'm certain it was Princess Eclair's voice! My heart began to race! That's when I realized it, Princess Éclair... I think I... Oh! I kinda zoned out there. Umm... So, yeah. We set sail again after ditching town... And somehow we managed to get back here to Rogueport. And here I am!

Part 4: Circuit Break Island

 * Paper Luigi: [to Paper Mario and his partner] Just as our boat arrived on Circuit Break Island, we heard this incredible racket! We soon found out that they hold kart races almost every day on the island. Whoever takes first place gets to rule the island as King for that day. Just as we got to the race track, they were holding the awards ceremony... I couldn't believe my eye! Right there, on the trophy they gave to the winner... It was another piece of the Marvelous Compass! I almost dead passed away! I decided right then and there that the only thing to do was enter the next race. I mean, I've driven in karts before, so I thought I'd be OK. Boy, was I wrong. The karts were supercharged machines that could send you airborne with their exhaust! These vehicles were armed with missiles and bazookas... It was 'anything goes,' bro! Of course, I wanted to get out of there, pronto! These drivers were crazed! But I worked up my courage and signed up anyway. And my race day finally came... I got one of the best karts: the Big Green 01! I took my position at the start line... The light went green, I stomped the accelerator... and something bad happened. I was in reverse! The Big Green 01 went rocketing backwards with me yelling... I crashed into the wall behind me hard enough to cut me off midscream. In one fell swoop, I dropped into last place and wrecked my racing machine... But it wasn't all bad news: all the other karts crashed because of my manoeuver... Once I got in gear and took off, I was the only car left! I won by a country mile, bro! I took the piece off my trophy and added it to the Marvelous Compass... The compass came to life and pointed me toward Jazzafrazz Town in the east! Then I heard that voice! Princess Eclair's voice echoed in my ears again! Oh, my Princess! Random words would form poetry if spoken by your voice! I will most definitely save you! Just wait for me! Princess Éclair!! Oh! Sorry about that, Bro... umm... So, after that, I got back on my boat... And came back here to Rogueport. And that's what's been up with me.

Part 5: Jazzafrazz Town

 * Paper Luigi: [to Paper Mario and his partner] As soon as we hit Jazzafrazz town, we were overcome by the glitz and the glamour. It's a very lively place, Bro. Tons of Dayzees live there, and they're always smiling! While looking for a piece of the Compass, I met a hip Dayzee named Hayzee. Hayzee was a producer, and he was looking for actors to go on stage with him. I told him we couldn't, since we were looking for the compass part, you know. But Hayzee said we could WIN the compass part in the upcoming Drama Slam! He said the so-called Dramalama Plaque might, in fact, be one of the parts! Well, we just had to give it a try, so we rehearsed with the cast and hit the stage! Our musical was called "The Mystery of the Fiery Hat of Social Awareness". The script was great, but I got really hosed, Bro... My "role"... My "part"... Was grass! I played grass by the side of the road! Grass, Bro! Grass! I just sprawled out on the ground and had to be silent. Everyone but me had lines... I don't care if I was earning green! Who casts someone based on that? It was awful! In the end, our musical was the talk of the town, and we won the Drama Slam. I got the compass part I was after, but even that didn't make me very happy. The huge after-party just bummed me out more, so I snuck out the back door. But WOW! Outside were tons of fans! MY fans! Fans of grass! They swarmed me! I just couldn't believe it! Imagine! Cheering for grass! I was ecstatic, Bro! After that I added the piece to the Marvelous Compass, which pointed north. It pointed to the Rapturous Ruins in Grimble Forest. Then... The voice again... Oh, my cherished Princess Éclair! How you soothe me! I would be grass for you... I will find you! I will reach you! I will stand by your side and be your Luigi! Wow, sorry about that, Bro. umm... So, yeah, anyway... Then I got back on my boat. I came back to Rogueport, and here I am, another leg of my adventure completed!

Part 6: Rapturous Ruins

 * Paper Luigi: [to Paper Mario and his partner] After journeying deep into the Grimble Forest, I found the domed Rapturous Ruins. Inside, everything was pure white. You couldn't tell where the floor became walls... Proceeding dead ahead, I found myself in a chamber where a young boy sat. As I approached the boy, someone named Screamy appeared out of nowhere! Screamy said the boy's name was Cranberry, and that he'd wake for a child of fate. That didn't make any sense to me, so I started searching quietly for the compass piece. But then it happened, Bro: I got a tiny tickle in my nose, and I let out a huge sneeze! Well, Cranberry must've heard it, 'cause he opened his eyes right up! He looked at me and smiled. And all of a sudden, I could understand his language! Can you believe it? I learned that the boy was the last of an ancient race, the Luffs... He had been there guarding the Marvelous Compass piece for the last thousand years! He told me that the compass is an item with the power to see into the future... The ancient Luff empire used the power of the compass to rule much of the world. Because of their greed, they were cursed by the compass, and their empire collapsed. To prevent a repeat of their fate, Cranberry broke the compass into seven parts. He hid six and kept one, putting himself to sleep until a worthy hero woke him. I WAS that hero, Bro! He gave it to me, and then he and the ruins vanished... When I added that piece to the compass... It pointed to the far north, where Dreaded Hatesong Tower stands. This time, I heard Princess Eclair's voice more clearly than ever before! I will rescue the Princess! I will be super! And then I'll... I'll... I'll... Well, I'll figure the rest out later. Anyway, I headed back here to Rogueport after that. I'm making my final preparations for my final battle now. I'm a little nervous, Bro. But that's what I've been up to, anyway!

Part 7: Hatesong Tower

 * Paper Luigi: [to Paper Mario and his partner] Hatesong Tower stands atop a jagged, unclimbable cliff beyond the northernmost sea. The winds whistle down the cliff, howling like banshees singing songs of hate... People say it's pretty much the scariest place in the world. And I had to go there. Blocking out the bone-chilling howls, I somehow managed to reach the tower's door. I was terrified, but thoughts of Princess Éclair warmed my heart and gave me power. All of my companions felt the same way. They were with me to the bitter end. The door to the tower swung slowly open to reveal an inconceivable darkness... I tried to call out Princess Eclair's name, but I couldn't even breathe because... As I strained my eyes in the darkness, I saw the most terrifying beast of all! The Chestnut King himself appeared before me! He was monstrous and drooling! Puddles of toxic goo dripped from his mouth, melting the very ground at our feet! I couldn't stop shaking, but I gritted my teeth and faced the evil beast dead-on! I dodged the king's fangs, jumped onto his chest, and gave him a hammer-whack! My swing split the air and crashed dead-center onto the Chestnut King's skull! Hope powered me up, Bro! I was going toe-to-toe with the king, and I was loving it! "This is it" I thought! I can win this! I'll risk it all on my next blow! I gripped my hammer tight and waited for my moment... The tension stung me... SHHHHHWHAAAAACK! The ocean winds raged against the tower windows! With that sound as my call to battle, I advanced with no mercy in my heart! And then... And then... [Long pause] I beat him. I defeated the Chestnut King. An even worse beast came next, a nightmare thing... but I beat it too. [Beat] I rescued Princess Éclair It was all over. And then I came back to Rogueport and had a light lunch. And that's about it. [Beat] Huh? You think there's more to the story than that?

Part 8: Super Luigi Book

 * Paper Luigi: [to Paper Mario and his partner] Actually, know what? This guy actually novelized my adventure! He's been interviewing me! He was actually interviewing me here at the inn during breaks from my adventure! I didn't think anyone would be interested in reading a book about Luigi... But "Super Luigi" came out recently, and check this out, Bro: Here in Rogueport... It's set a new record for consecutive weeks at number one on the best-seller list!!! Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho! Hooray for Luigi, Bro! I started reading it the other day, but it's an encyclopedic account in multiple volumes... Excruciating detail, Bro. It's like a history book! ...It seemed like one, anyway. They've got it in the shop here in Rogueport. How about you snag a copy, Bro?

Part 1: The Fearsome Demon

 * Ages ago, a city flourished here in peace in splendor, but it was destroyed in a single day by a demon from the dark beyond. Historians claim a great calamity befell the city, but nay... 'twas a demon. The city sank below ground, and one-quarter of the old city became the demon's den. This demon put fear into the hearts of all men and sent out minions to take the land. And its den, its palace, grew rich with the treasures stolen from all over the world.

Part 2: The Crystal Stars

 * In order to increase its already formidable power the demon created Crystal Stars to hold the essence of the heavens. One of these stars was placed in each country to exert the demon's influence. One of the castles built to contain these stars still stands near Petal Meadows.

Part 3: Dragons and Dungeons

 * The demon built a dungeon near its palace and filled it with terrifying monsters. All those who fell into disfavor were thrown into this dungeon to rot. Yea, and the demon also had three dragon pets: Hooktail, Gloomtail, and Bonetail. These dragons flew across the land, spreading fear and sorrow over all. Even now, the mere mention of a dragon is enough to give some the terrors...

Part 4: The Hero Who Arose

 * One day, there came a hero who could vanquish the fell demon. The young Toad from Petal Meadows was strong of arm, but shy of voice. All those around the boy teased him endlessly about the way he spoke. But when the demon cast his fearful gaze across the lands and reached out, the young Toad used strength and honor to defend his people and he became a hero to all, despite his odd voice.

Part 5: The Wise Goomba

 * There was a wise Goomba from Boggly Woods gifted in knowledge of the world. When beasts rose to take the woods, this knowledge helped the people fight them. And the Goomba, who knew the way that every monster would attack, she began to think of a way to banish all monsters from the land...

Part 6: The Stalwart Koopa

 * A Koopa who traveled the world alone learned of the darkness covering the land. He went alone wherever evil dwelt and banished it with shell and sheer bravado. The monsters grew to fear this scar-riddled Koopa who thwarted them at every turn. But the brave Koopa was finally taken in a trap set for him by the monsters. But then, a Boo who fought with the monsters came and used her magic to free him. The brave Koopa's spirit melted the heart of the cold Boo lass...

Part 7: The Four Heroes

 * The Boo used her powerful magic to learn more about the evil they faced. "We cannot destroy this darkness alone" she decided, her face a grim mask. "We need the Toad hero of Petal Meadows and the wise Goomba of Boggly Woods." The Boo's magic drew the four heroes together to send the demon from the world. And so, the four heroes finally set out to the Palace of Shadow...

Part 8: The Duel With the Demon

 * The power of the world-devouring demon was more powerful than any could imagine, but the wise Goomba soon realized that this was the power of the Crystal Stars. She thought of a way to take the stars and use them against the demon. She told the other heroes her plan and set it in motion, banishing their fears. The Boo's magic and the Toad's strength created a gap in the demon's defenses. At that moment, the brave Koopa seized the stars and succeeded in badly damaging the demon...

Part 9: The Demon Sealed Within

 * But even the brave Koopa's stroke was not enough to end the demon's reign. The wise Goomba thought of another use for the Crystal Stars in that dire hour. She suggested sealing the demon forever with the Crystal Stars. All agreed. The heroes matched their strengths with the power of the Crystal Stars and they successfully sealed the demon's soul within the deepest part of the palace. Together they made it out so that only all seven stars could break the seal...

Part 10: The Demon's Curse

 * The four heroes thought they had sealed away the demon and all its power, but the demon used a tiny opening before the seal was complete to curse them all. While holding the Crystal Stars, they felt nothing, but when they let them go a black box would appear to seal their souls within. The four heroes travelled the world, scattering the stars so the seal would remain. But the last four stars carried the curse, which claimed each hero...

Part 11: The Great Tree and Punies

 * The hiding places of many of the crystal stars have now faded into legend but some say that the wise Goomba hid one in the Great Tree. At that time, many monsters wandered in the nearby Boggly Woods. The tiny Punies were always tormented by their fierce appetites, it was said. Pitying them, the Goomba hollowed out the Great Tree for the Punies to live in. The Punies were so grateful they swore to protect the Crystal Star there...

Part 12: The Boo Heroine's Last Days

 * Once the Boo heroine hid her star in a steeple, she was trapped in the nearby town. Some say the Crystal Star lies in that steeple still.

Part 13: The Pirate King Cortez

 * The Koopa hero went to a southern isle to hide his star where none would find it. But the Koopa was so tired from his journey that the pirate Cortez stole it easily. In that very instant, the Koopa was trapped in an inescapable chest. But Cortez did not realize the power of the star and lost it among his treasures...

Part 14: The Toad Hero's Final Days

 * The strong Toad held his star and continued his arduous journey. But eventually the miles took their toll upon him and he collapsed. A traveling healer happened by and saved his life but the Toad knew his fate was to be trapped in the box when the star was gone. So he asked the healer to hide the star in a secret place known to no one...

Part 15: All Becomes Legend

 * After the demon was sealed within the Palace of Shadow, many refused to come near that place of terror. But as the years passed, entire generations forgot and the penniless and the immoral began to congregate in this once-barren place. This place soon became a populous harbor, the town of Rogueport, and some even began to say that the underground city held a legendary treasure. But they were unaware the demon slept beneath them still...

Part 16: The Magical Map

 * The heroes knew the seal might not last forever and they sought to make the Crystal Stars available to one who might need them. So, before going to their individual dooms, they made a map to all the stars. And to prevent an evil force from misusing this map they placed it in a box that could only be opened by the pure of heart.