Parenthood (film)

Parenthood is a 1989 comedy-drama film about a midwestern family all dealing with their lives: estranged relatives, raising children, pressures of the job, and learning to be a good parent and spouse.
 * Directed by Ron Howard. Written by Lowell Ganz and Babaloo Mandel.

The director of "Splash," "Willow" and "Cocoon" brings you a comedy about life, love and the gentle art of raising children.

Gill

 * [to Nathan] Keep Patty away from Larry. He'll suck the intelligence right out of her.
 * They call me Cowboy Gil, as in guil-ty. I saw Cowboy Dan. I didn't like the look on his face. It was like this...[smiles goofily] ... so I killed him. I blew a hole in him this big. Actually it was about this big. You know, when I think about it, that hole was about THIS BIG! And his guts were spilled out all over the floor. As I was walkin' away, I slip around on his guts. A couple of other people came by and started slippin' on his guts too. After I blow a hole in somebody and slip around on their guts... afterwards, I always like to make balloon animals. That's mighty courteous of you. Here we go! [starts twisting balloons and then when he finishes, he holds up jumbled bunch of twisted balloons] Your lower intestines.
 * My whole life is have to...

Tod

 * That is one messed-up little dude.
 * You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.

Susan

 * Nathan, we're trying so hard to keep these kids off of drugs.

Helen

 * Open this door! Goddamnit to hell! I was just like a little respect! Not alot, just a little! Do you know why I'm having sex with machinery? Because your father went to have a party and I stayed to raise two kids, and I HAVE NO LIFE!!!!!!!!
 * [Helen is trying to talk with Garry about his sex tapes] l assume you're watching these because you're curious about sex... you know. Or filmmaking.
 * No, no, no, no. I'm too young to be a grandmother. Grandmothers are old. They bake, and they sew, and they tell you stories about the Depression. I was at Woodstock, for Christ's sake! I peed in a field! I hung on to The Who's helicopter as it flew away! 
 * I give them six months. Three, if she cooks.

Frank

 * [on parenting] It's like your Aunt Edna's ass. It goes on forever and it's just as frightening.

Dialogue

 * Frank: Gil, you have a good memory. Uh, was it yours or Helen's or Susan's wedding I got drunk at?
 * Gil: It was all three, Dad. Congratulations.
 * Frank: Well, which one did I punch the band leader?
 * Gil: That was mine. We have photos. I'm having them blown up for the commitment hearings.
 * [Susan laughs] 
 * Frank: Well, you think he's funny. Well, when he was a kid, he wasn't as funny. Stayed in his room all day. Boy, you were a moody little son of a bitch.
 * Gil: [sarcastically] Gee, I wonder why.


 * Taylor: Mommy what was that?
 * Karen: That was an electrical ear cleaner.
 * Taylor: It was kinda big.
 * Grandma: It sure was.


 * Julie: He said that he loved me.
 * Helen: Men say that. They all say that. Then they cum.


 * Gil's nightmarish vision. University is on lockdown and covered by squad cars. People are screaming and an elderly Gil tries to reason with Kevin
 * College Student #1: Someone's gone to the roof of the bell tower with a rifle!
 * Dean at College: It's Kevin Buckman! His father totally screwed him up!
 * College Student #2: What is he yelling?
 * Kevin, Age 21: YOU MADE ME PLAY SECOND BASE!
 * Gil: [through bullhorn] Son, I'm sorry. I did all the best I could.
 * [Kevin opens fire and shoots bullhorn out of Gil's hands]
 * Gil: Nice shot son!
 * Police try to get Gil to safety, but Gil rebuffs them
 * Gil: [police] It's important to be supportive. [to Kevin] Come on let's sing one of the old tunes. "When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, Diarrhea - "


 * [Gil's ideal vision. Kevin has graduated from university and is the class valedictorian]
 * Kevin, Age 21: All of this I have one thing to credit; when I was a kid and my father made me play second base. Thank you, Dad!
 * [Audience applauds an elderly Gil]
 * Gil: Thank you, son!


 * [after breaking the lock on Gary's bedroom door and searching it, Helen finds some sex tapes and plays one]
 * Susan: Helen? Oh, the door was unlocked...[sees the sex action on the television] 
 * Grandma: What channel is this?
 * Helen: No Gran, this is a tape.
 * Grandma: [to Susan] She needs a man now!
 * Helen: Gran, this isn't mine. I don't watch this!
 * ''[later]
 * Grandma: [to Susan again as they are leaving the room and speaking of the sex action on the television] One of those men reminded me of your Grandpa. God bless him!


 * Susan: Nathan, I need to speak with you for a couple of minutes.
 * Nathan: Patty, your mother and I will be gone for two minutes. How many seconds is that?
 * Patty: 120.
 * Den
 * Nathan: What is it?
 * [Susan produces flashcards, which Nathan recites]
 * Flashcard #1: This is the only way
 * Flashcard #2: To reach you, so
 * Flashcard #3: I am leaving you


 * Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
 * Gil: Oh?
 * Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
 * Gil: What a great story.
 * Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.


 * [Kevin's birthday. A stripper comes to Buckman residence]
 * Stripper: So what is the name of the birthday boy? I will paint his name on my breasts.
 * Karen: What in the world?
 * Gil: We did not order any stripper! We hired Cowboy Dan.
 * Stripper: Is that so, let me call my boss.
 * Stripper uses phone to call boss, then hangs up
 * Stripper: Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. My boss screwed up our assignments. I was supposed to do that birthday party at the Army base, but my boss sent Cowboy Dan there.
 * Karen: Then have him come here.
 * Stripper: There's a problem, you see, the soldiers got the wrong idea and beat up Cowboy Dan really good. He is in the hospital.
 * Kevin: Cowboy Dan is not here? All the kids will hate me!
 * Gil: Kevin, pull yourself together! A cowboy is coming.


 * Gil: What's the matter, honey? You don't feel so good?
 * Taylor: Yeah.
 * Gil: You feel like you want to throw up?
 * Taylor: Okay.
 * [vomits all over Gil, and starts crying]
 * Karen: Oh Taylor, baby... Gil, why are you :standing there?
 * Gil: Waiting for her head to spin around.

Song

 * When you're sliding into first and you're feeling something burst diarrhea!
 * When you're sliding into third and you lay a juicy turd diarrhea!
 * When you're sliding into home and your shorts are full of foam diarrhea!
 * When you're riding in your chevy and your shorts are feeling heavy diarrhea!

Cast

 * Steve Martin - Gil Buckman
 * Mary Steenburgen - Karen Buckman
 * Dianne Wiest - Helen Buckman-Lampkin
 * Jason Robards - Frank Buckman
 * Rick Moranis - Nathan Huffner
 * Tom Hulce - Larry Buckman
 * Martha Plimpton - Julie Lampkin
 * Keanu Reeves - Tod Higgins
 * Harley Kozak - Susan Buckman-Huffner
 * Dennis Dugan - Dave Brodsky
 * Leaf Phoenix - Garry Lampkin
 * Helen Shaw - Grandma

The Buckman Family

 * Frank Buckman
 * Marilyn Buckman: Frank's wife
 * Helen Buckman-Lampkin: Frank & Marilyn's first daughter (1st child)
 * George Bowman: Helen's 2nd husband
 * Gil Buckman: Frank & Marilyn's first son (2nd child)
 * Karen Buckman: Gil's wife
 * Susan Buckman: Frank & Marilyn's second daughter (3rd child)
 * Nathan Huffner: Susan's husband
 * Larry Buckman: Frank & Marilyn's second son (4th child)
 * Julie Lampkin: Helen's daughter (1st child)
 * Tod Higgins Sr.: Julie's husband
 * Garry Lampkin: Helen's son (2nd child)
 * Kevin Buckman: Gil & Karen's first son (1st child)
 * Taylor Buckman: Gil & Karen's first daughter (2nd child)
 * Cool Buckman: Larry's son
 * Patty Huffner: Susan & Nathan's daughter
 * Justin Buckman: Gil & Karen's second son (3rd child)
 * Laverne Buckman: Gil & Karen's second daughter (4th child)
 * Shirley Lampkin-Bowman: Helen & George's daughter
 * Tod Higgins Jr: Julie & Tod's son – after named his father Tod Higgins