Parks and Recreation (season 3)


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Parks and Recreation (2009-2015) was an American political comedy television sitcom, airing on NBC, starring Amy Poehler as Leslie Knope, a perky, mid-level bureaucrat in the Parks Department of Pawnee, a fictional town in Indiana.

Go Big or Go Home [3.1]

 * Ron: I've been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years. It's a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement.  Categories include Capitalism: God's way of determining who is smart and who is poor. Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.  Rage.  Poise.  Property rights.  Fish: for sport only, not for meat.  Fish meat is practically a vegetable.


 * Ann: So are you happy to be back at work?
 * Leslie: Well, our budget has been slashed to zero. I tried to buy fertilizer the other day for the soccer field.  Request denied.  We literally can't buy [bleep].

Flu Season [3.2]

 * April: I want another nurse.
 * Ann: Well there are none. We're stretched pretty thin right now.
 * April: Then I want a janitor. They can do what you do right?
 * Ann: Yep. Nurses and janitors are totally interchangeable.
 * April: Except no-one dresses up like a janitor when they wanna be slutty.


 * Tom: Leslie! Go home. You're sick.
 * Leslie: I'm not sick. It's just allergies. Come on guys just let me in there!
 * Jerry: No you can't come in here. Leslie you look tired and you're all sweaty.
 * Leslie: You look tired and you're all sweaty all the time! What's your excuse?! You wanna go there Jerry!?
 * Jerry: ...No.


 * Leslie: I'm not sick I just have allergies okay! I took a claritin and I threw that up. So I took another one and I threw that up. And then I took a third and it stayed down! I'm getting better.


 * Ben: Who's your doctor?
 * Leslie: Anne's my doctor. And she's the most beautiful nurse in the world.


 * Chris: Stop...POOPING.


 * Andy: Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have…network connectivity problems.


 * Ann: 104.1, Leslie you're dehydrated, I'm admitting you.
 * Leslie: [flu-ridden] If I was sick could I do this.
 * [she just sits there and does nothing]
 * Ann: ...What are you doing?
 * Leslie: [flu-ridden] Cartwheels...Am I not doing them?
 * Ann: No.


 * Leslie: [flu-ridden] It's not that I don't trust Ben, it's that I don't have faith in Ben. And also I'm starting to forget who Ben is.


 * Chris: My body is like a microchip. A grain of sand could destroy it! [exasperated] My body is a microchip...


 * Andy: They have one called the "Meat Tornado." Literally killed a guy last year.
 * Ron: You had me at "Meat Tornado."


 * Ann: What are you doing?
 * Leslie: Hey! That flu medicine really helped. I feel a thousand percent better. Good as new.
 * [Leslie puts her pants around her neck like a scarf]
 * Leslie: Does this scarf look okay? I don't wanna look stuffy but I also don't wanna look too schlubby.
 * Ann: Get back in that bed.
 * Leslie: So no to the scarf?
 * Ann: Get back in the bed
 * Leslie: No, I'm going to that meeting!
 * Ann: Either you get back in the bed or I will strap you down, I've done it before, don't test me!
 * [Leslie reluctantly climbs back into bed]


 * Ron: I like Andy. I'm surrounded by a lot of women in this department...and that includes the men.


 * Ann: Hey have you seen Leslie?
 * Chris: [deliriously] I had a dream that she came into this room, stole my flu medicine, told me not to tell you and then disappeared through that hole in the wall.
 * Ann: ...The door?


 * [After Leslie escapes the hospital to go to the Chamber of Commerce meeting]
 * Leslie: Ben Wyatt! Hello!
 * Ben: Uhh hi Leslie...
 * Leslie: Good to see you!
 * Ben: You too...
 * [They shake hands]
 * Ben: Wow you're really burning up.
 * Leslie: Can I get some money for the cab that I took over here please?
 * Ben: Sure, how much?
 * Leslie: I'm not sure. I looked at the meter and it had Egyptian hieroglyphics on it. Do you know the exchange rate?
 * Ben: ...
 * Leslie: So should we do this? Oh boy hold on...be careful.
 * Ben: What?
 * Leslie: The floor and the wall just switched.
 * Ben: ...Okay.
 * Leslie: Walk very carefully.


 * Leslie: Okay. It's showtime. [delirious, to wall poster] Good evening everyone, I'm Leslie Monster and this is Nightline.
 * Ben: Okay I wouldn't open with that.


 * Ben: That was amazing. That was a flu-ridden Michael Jordan at the '97 NBA Finals. That was Kirk Gibson hobbling up to the plate and hitting a homer off of Dennis Eckersley. That was…that was Leslie Knope.

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 * Business Owner: Are we going to get the same sales tax incentives we used to?
 * Leslie: That's a very good question sir and I would counter with my own question which is: why is half of your face all swirly?
 * Ben: Okay! Umm unfortunately Leslie has another very important meeting right now so if you have any other questions you can just direct them towards me.
 * Leslie: Give it up everybody for Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap!
 * Ben: Alright! Okay. [ushers Leslie off the stage]

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 * Tom: I think I should drive you to the hospital.
 * Leslie: [In a British accent] Was I wearing a Tiara when I came in here? Because if you happen upon it will you have Lady Pennyface retrieve it and send it post hence?
 * Tom: ...

Time Capsule [3.3]

 * Leslie: [reciting every town slogan Pawnee has ever had] "Pawnee: The Paris of America." "Pawnee: The Akron of Southwest Indiana." "Pawnee: Welcome German soldiers." After the Nazis took France, our mayor kind of panicked. "Pawnee: The Factory Fire Capital of America." "Pawnee: Welcome Vietnamese Soldiers." "Pawnee: Engage with Zorp." For a brief time in the 70's, our town was taken over by a cult. "Pawnee: Zorp is Dead. Long Live Zorp." "Pawnee: It's Safe To Be Here Now." "Pawnee: Birthplace of Julia Roberts." That was a lie, she sued, and so we had to change it. "Pawnee: Home of the World Famous Julia Roberts Lawsuit." "Pawnee: Welcome Taliban Soldiers." And finally, our current slogan, "Pawnee: First in Friendship, Fourth in Obesity."

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 * Donna: Oh, I love any book about vampires, werewolves, monsters, zombies, sorcerers, beasties, or time-traveling romances. And if I had an hour alone with Robert Pattinson, he would forget all about Skinny Legs Magee, I’ll tell you that much.

Ron and Tammy: Part Two [3.4]

 * Ron: My ex-wife, Tammy, likes to check in every so often and make sure I'm doing okay, and if I am, she tries to fuck everything up.

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 * [Ron and Leslie walk into Tammy Two's office to find her bending over showing off her thong.]
 * Leslie: [gasps] Whale tail! Whale tail! She's flashing a whale tail! Abort! Abort!
 * Ron: Hello Tammy.
 * Tammy Two: Oh hello Ron. I didn't see you come in. I was just checking myself for scoliosis.
 * Ron: And?
 * Tammy Two: Straight as an arrow. Just like somebody else I know. Jerky?
 * [Tammy Two takes out a large piece of jerky and starts eating it seductively]
 * Ron: Call off the dogs. You and I both know that in my entire adult life I have never checked a book out of the library.
 * [Tammy Two starts sexually smacking herself in the face with the jerky]
 * Leslie: Oh my God she's amazing...
 * Ron: [chuckles] I admit there was a time when that sort of behavior would've driven me wild. But I'm in a healthy relationship now Tammy.
 * Tammy Two: A relationship!? With whom!?
 * Ron: A lovely, intelligent, self-possessed pediatric surgeon named Wendy.
 * Tammy Two: Sounds like a real whore.

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 * Leslie: Okay so we're ordering them a total of 30 pizzas so let's talk toppings.
 * Andy: Sausage, onion and peppers. Scientifically proven to be the best toppings.
 * Leslie: Nice.
 * Ben: Should we throw in some salads for a healthy option?
 * Tom: Wow don't be such a Jerry, Ben.
 * Leslie: Yeah Ben these guys are cops not ballerinas.

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 * Ben: Okay. How about some calzones?
 * Leslie: Calzones are like pizzas but they're harder to eat. They're dumb and so was that idea.
 * Ben: Seriously?
 * Tom: This is embarrassing for you.

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 * Leslie: I know Tammy seems scary, but really she's just a manipulative, psychotic, library book pedaling, sex crazed she-demon.

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 * Ron: Can we turn the radio off? This is our song.
 * Ben: Your song is 'Dancing On The Ceiling' by Lionel Richie? Oh! Wow look at that. You shaved off part of your mustache. That's lovely.
 * Ron: I didn't shave it off. It rubbed off...from friction.
 * Ben: Ugh!

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 * Donna: I would like to address the goofy-looking, dirty kimono wearing, corn-rowed clown in the room. If you see Ron Swanson, can you give him this message: You used to be a man! You need to get your house in order! Look, I love you like a brother, but right now I hate you! Like my actual brother, Levandrious, who I hate!

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 * [Ron has left himself a video tape to watch in case he ever falls for Tammy Two again.]
 * Ron: [on the tape] Hello, Ron. It's Ron. If you're watching this, it means that, once again, you have danced with the devil. Right now, you're probably thinking, "Tammy's changed. We'll be happy together." But you're only thinking that because she's a monstrous parasite who entered through your privates and lodged herself in your brain. So you have two choices. One, get rid of Tammy. Or two, lobotomy and castration. Choose wisely, you stupid fuck.

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 * Ron: Tammy and I are in love and we're gonna start a family together. In fact, she's ovulating so if you'll excuse us, we're heading off on our honeymoon.
 * Jerry: Wow! Where ya going?
 * Leslie: Jerry!
 * Ron: We're gonna spend 11 days in my cabin in the woods.
 * Tammy Two: We bought 10 cases of Gatorade and a 40 pound bag of peanuts for energy.
 * Leslie: Oh God!

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 * [After Ron watches Tammy beat the crap out of Tom for telling the truth]
 * Ron: Tammy! That's enough!
 * Tammy Two: Hey Baby!
 * Ron: You almost had me...again. But seeing you pick on this pathetic, defenseless little man...
 * Tom: Hey!
 * Ron: ..reminded me what kind of monster you are.
 * Tammy Two: You're a joke. You're not even a man anymore. Oh, and by the way, last night I faked four out of the seven.
 * Ron: [Chuckles] So did I. Let's go son.
 * [Ron picks up Tom like a child and carries him out]

Media Blitz [3.5]

 * The Douche: Alright, switching gears here now, we got Leslie Knope and Tom Harverfart and Ben Wyatt, and they're in the hizzy to talk about an upcoming event called the Harvest Festival.
 * Leslie: Well, The Douche, it's a Pawnee tradition, and it's where fun meets awesome...meets agriculture. And it is gonna be next month right here in Pawnee and - spoiler alert - it's gonna have the best corn maze ever.
 * Crazy Ira: You lost your virginity in a corn maze, didn't you Douche?
 * The Douche: Oh, that's right - to your mom!
 * [China Joe plays a sound effect of a woman moaning and going "Crazy Ira, clean your room!"]
 * Leslie: There's also going to be hay rides.
 * The Douche: "Hey, ride me!" is what Crazy Ira's mom said.
 * [China Joe plays more moaning sounds]
 * Tom: China Joe, you are a poet!

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 * April: [reading Andy's "Thank You" note for her grandfather] "Dear April's grandmother." I said grandfather.
 * Andy: Oh, oops. OK.
 * April: "You are a beautiful and amazing woman." Man.  "I hope someday I can become half the woman you are."  He's a man.  "Thank you for the $500."  It was five dollars.  "Enjoy the Mouse Rat CD."  He is deaf.
 * Andy: OK, do you want me to make those changes or is it good?

Indianapolis [3.6]

 * Ron: I couldn't care less about the commendation but Indianapolis is home to Charles Mulligan's Steakhouse, The best damn steakhouse in the damn state. I have taken a picture of every steak I've ever eaten there.
 * [starts going through the album]
 * June 2004. Porterhouse, medium-rare, Bearnaise sauce.
 * January 2000. They call this one "The Enforcer."
 * February '96. The steak: Rib-Eye. The whiskey: Lagavulin 16. The lady next to me: a bitch. Specifically my ex-wife Tammy.
 * Okay. This is, the first time I ever went there. Oh look at me! I'm just a kid!

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 * Ann: Leslie, I think Chris is cheating on me.
 * Leslie: What!? That lying bastard! Wait, how do you know?
 * Ann: I don't actually have any actual proof.
 * Leslie: Oh, then I'm sure he's not cheating on you. And if he is, he's a monster. And if he's not, you guys are great together. But if he is, I will kill him.

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 * Leslie: Well he's not gonna be able to keep anything from me. In high school they used to call me Angela Lansbury...but that was because of my haircut.

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 * Tom: Hey champ.
 * Ben: Hey champ...ion.
 * Tom: Listen, you should come out tonight. Club's gonna be dope. Plus, I'm pretty sure you have nothing else going on.
 * Ben: Well, that's not totally true. The owner of the motel I'm staying at said she was gonna screen Hope Floats in the lobby. Asked me if I wanted to watch.
 * Tom: Yeah...You should probably get out of that. I think she's gonna murder you.

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 * [After the group finds Mulligan's shut down by the Health Department]
 * Ron: They just boarded her up like she was some common warehouse...I should've been here. What happened to the steaks that were in there when they closed? [tearing up] ...Do you think they got eaten?

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 * April: I can get free drinks anytime I want.
 * Andy: How?
 * April: Umm I'm a girl in a sleazy club. [turns to the guy sitting next to her] Hey.
 * Guy: Hey.
 * April: I hate drinking alone.
 * Guy: Can I get you a drink?
 * April: Sure! [to bartender] Triple whiskey.
 * Guy: What's your name?
 * April: Oprah!
 * Guy: I'm Kevin.
 * April: Cool. [gets her whiskey] I kinda want to drink alone.
 * Guy: But-
 * April: I said I want to drink alone. Thanks. Bye!
 * [turns back to Andy]
 * April: Here you take this one. I will get myself a martini from that idiot.

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 * Leslie: So Chris do you have any sisters?
 * Chris: No, I don't Leslie. Do you have sisters?
 * Leslie: Maybe. So how's your mom? Is she visiting?
 * Chris: No she's home up in Wisconsin. Is your mom visiting?
 * Leslie: Any aunts?
 * Chris: Nope. You have aunts?
 * Leslie: Girl cousins? A youthful grandmother perhaps?
 * Chris: Nope.
 * Ron: Did you forget how to have a conversation?

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 * Leslie: So Chris, what do you do up here in your spare time?
 * Chris: Well uh, I exercise and I exercise my mind. And I try to keep up on current events.
 * Leslie: Oh that's what you call it?
 * Chris: Sorry?
 * Leslie: How are things going with Ann? You know what's funny about Ann? She's my best friend. And anyone who'd hurt her is someone I would murder probably.

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 * Tom: Watch the master work it. I'm the Yoda of networking.
 * Ben: Well Yoda wouldn't actually need networking. I mean his powers were more spiritual-
 * Tom: SHUT UP YOU NERD!
 * Ben: I get it. Okay.

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 * Ron: [lifting the grill cover] AHHHH!
 * Leslie: Ron!?
 * Ron: What in the Devil's name is this!?
 * Chris: Portobello Mushrooms!
 * Ron: Where's the steak!?
 * Chris: Oh there's no steak. That's a healthier option. It's organically grown.
 * Ron: ...[starts to faint]

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 * [April puts on a Snakehole shirt and pretends to be a waitress]
 * April: Hey. Uh six beers for uh table twelve.
 * Bartender: Do you work here?
 * April: Yeah. My dad owns this pace. I'm Janet. Janet Snakehole.

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 * Andy: This is so awesome. We are like Robin Hood. We steal from the club and give to ourselves.

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 * Leslie: Yeah so here's what happened. Sweet and beautiful Ann has never been dumped before and Chris is such a positive person, when he broke up with her she just didn't realize it. It's kind of understandable...although it does kind of make you wonder how good of a nurse she is.

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 * Leslie: One time when I was in high school, a guy's mom called me and broke up with me for him. There was another time where I was on a date, and I tripped and broke my kneecap, and the guy said he wasn't "feeling it," so he left and I waited for an ambulance. One time I was dating this guy for a while, and then he got down on one knee and he begged me never to call him again. One guy broke up with me while we were in the shower together.  Skywriting isn't always positive. Another time a guy invited me to a beautiful picnic with wine and flowers, and then when I tried to sit down, he said, "Don't eat anything.  Rebecca's coming."  And then he broke up with me.
 * Ann Who's Rebecca?
 * Leslie: Exactly.

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 * Ron: Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait.  I'm worried what you just heard was, "Give me a lot of bacon and eggs."  What I said was, "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have".  Do you understand?

Harvest Festival [3.7]

 * Leslie: I am so proud of all of you! You've worked so hard, you're amazing! So I have a surprise. And it is possibly the best thing to potentially ever happen to anyone anywhere in the history of the universe. Ladies and gentlemen, the world famous Li'l Sebastian!
 * [Everyone freaks out with excitement]
 * Ron: Well done Leslie! Well done!
 * [Cut to leslie being interviewed]
 * Leslie: Li'l Sebastian made his debut at the last Harvest Festival in 1987 and he was an instant phenomenon. For the next few years, Sebastian was the number one boys name in Pawnee...and the number three girl's name!
 * [Cut back to the office]
 * Ben: So what am I missing? What's the deal with this pony?
 * Tom: He's not a pony Ben! He's a mini horse, there's a big difference.
 * Ben: Well then why is he so famous? Does he do something? What does he do?
 * Ron: Son, this horse has an honorary degree from Notre Dame.
 * Leslie: We all need to be very careful. Okay remember, this little guy is 25 now. And he has cataracts in both eyes. He has severe arthritis. Jerry's going to look after him.
 * Jerry: Yes I am. We are on the same diabetes medication. Are you my Glucotrol buddy!? Are you!?
 * Leslie: Isn't it amazing!
 * Ben: Yeah I just gotta be honest. I don't know what the big deal is.
 * Everyone: ...
 * Leslie: Get out!

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 * Ken Hotate: There are two things I know about white people. They love Rachael Ray. And they are terrified of curses.

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 * Donna: Hey what ever happened to you and the bionic man?
 * Ann: Chris? He broke up with me but he did it so nicely that I didn't even realize he did it.
 * Donna: I've done that to multiple men. How are you doing? Are you doing okay?
 * Ann: Thank you so much for asking! It's been tough. Yeah. Two days ago I was sobbing at a pizza buffet and they asked me to leave. Been looking at some dog adoption websites. Bought $700 worth of candles from Anthropologie. Did this [shows her dyed red streak] to my hair. You know, your basic bottoming out kind of stuff.
 * Donna: Yeah...Normally people tell you to talk about your problems. I'm going to recommend you bottle that noise up.
 * Ann: ...That's what my mailman said.

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 * April: Hey, I love you.
 * Andy: Dude, shut up! That is awesomesauce!

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 * Beefy Dude: I don't know what's sicker, me or your body.
 * Ann: You're not sick.
 * Beefy Dude: Maybe you should check out my abs.
 * Ann: Are you experiencing abdominal pain?
 * Beefy Dude: Every day at the gym [shows off abs] Feel.
 * Ann: Eww. [feels his abs and is impressed] Oh.
 * Beefy Dude: What are you doing tonight?
 * Ann: I think I'm gonna have to pass.
 * Beefy Dude: Your loss.
 * [Ann walks over by Donna]
 * Donna: Are you gonna hit that?
 * Ann: Him? He isn't exactly boyfriend material.
 * Donna: Who said anything about a boyfriend? Use him. Abuse him. Lose him.

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 * Jerry: [referring to Li'l Sebastian] If they've been missing this long, they're probably dead.
 * Tom: Well, if he is, you'll be answering to the whole town. And God.
 * Jerry: For the last time--
 * April: Jerry, shut up. I can't hear myself not talking to Andy.
 * Andy: Ron, can you tell me why April is mad at me?
 * April: Ron, can you tell Andy--
 * Ron: Andy, she's mad at you because you said 'awesomesauce' instead of 'I love you too.' April, he loves you, stop being a child. Tom, everyone knows you're at fault; blaming Jerry won't save you. Jerry, I know for a fact that you were sucking down funnel cakes when you were supposed to be watching Li'l Sebastian. Now will everyone please apologize to everyone?
 * Andy: [to April] I do love you, you know.
 * April: You do?
 * Andy: Yeah. That's what makes the sauce so awesome.

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 * Beefy Dude: It's been really awesome talking to you. Most carnival nurses are total grenades.
 * Ann: Okay, you're all set. You are free to go...or you could stay here and make out with me until the lights come back on.
 * Beefy Dude: Hell yeah!
 * Ann: Beat it Donna.
 * [Donna smiles and walks out]

Camping [3.8]

 * Ron: I just want to get the work over as soon as possible so I can do some fishing. Fishing relaxes me.  It's like yoga except I still get to kill something.

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 * Leslie: I'm so desperate I even brought in my dream journal hoping it would inspire me.
 * Ann: [reading an entry] "I married ALF and we're pretty happy." That sounds nice.
 * Leslie: It was.

Andy and April's Fancy Party [3.9]

 * Chris: Hey gang!
 * Leslie: Hey, what did you bring?
 * Chris: I was in charge of the cake. To be fair, it's not a cake so much as it is a vegetable loaf.  You got your mushrooms, your alfalfa sprouts, your spinach and I had it sweetened with fruit reduction.
 * Ron: But did they ask you to bring a vegtable loaf or a cake?
 * Chris: No, a cake, but this is so much healthier.
 * Ron: So not only does this thing exist, but now you have deprived everyone of cake!
 * Leslie: Take a walk, Ron.

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 * Andy: Attention, everybody! Madams and...mis...wahs? If you would do me the obligation of having your honor, heretofore, in the room doth right over there, uh, hence.
 * Ron: What?
 * Andy: Big event, in that room, fifteen minutes.

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 * [Ann sees Donna at the same dating event she's at]
 * Ann: Donna! Oh my God, I am so excited to see you here! These things are horrible when you're by yourself. [Donna tries to ignore her] ...What?
 * Donna: Do you know where you are right now? We're in the jungle. There are no friends here! It's every woman for herself.
 * Ann: ...You're joking right?
 * Donna: Do I look like I'm joking? Dating is a zero sum game. If you get a man, I don't get that man.
 * Ann: I'm here because of advice that you gave me to be more adventurous in my life.
 * Donna: Here's some more advice. Beat it!

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 * Ron: Who's to say what works. You know, you find somebody you like and you roll the dice. It's all anybody can do.

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 * Ann: Hi, I'm Ann.
 * Ryan: Ryan.
 * Ann: What's your occupation?
 * Ryan: I'm a manager at a sporting goods store.
 * Ann: No way me too!
 * Ryan: Seriously!? Which one?
 * Ann: No, I'm not. I was just ribbing you.
 * Ryan: ...What are you drinking?
 * Ann: Hahahaha yeah...
 * Ryan: What?
 * Ann: Oh I don't know. I couldn't hear you.
 * Ryan: So you just laughed and said "yeah?"
 * Ann: Yeah...
 * [Donna cuts in]
 * Donna: Excuse us... [To Ann] That was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. Did you grow up in the woods? Are you Nell? From the movie Nell?
 * Ann: I told you, I'm Rusty!

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 * Tom: I gotta nail the speech, so I brought in an expert: Jean-Ralphio.
 * Jean-Ralphio: Can I throw something on you, see if it feels good?
 * Tom: Sure.
 * Jean-Ralphio: OK, this is what I would do: I would start with a joke. Joke.  Vince Vaughn quote, obviously.
 * Tom: Swingers or Crashers?
 * Jean-Ralphio: Fred Claus. Talk about Andy's ex-girlfriends, quote from Love Actually, hold back your tears, pause...drop the microphone, get out of that bitch.

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 * Natalie: [Wedding toast for April and Andy] My sister's really lame. But Andy's pretty cool. I guess I kinda see why he would marry her. Also, if anyone has seen my grey hoodie I lost it, thanks.
 * [Walks off stage]

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 * Ann: [Finishing talking to a guy] Cool, I'll see you around, maybe.
 * Donna: That went better, right!?
 * Ann: Yes! He did however, proudly tell me that he beat herpes...
 * [Donna grimaces]
 * Ann: I'm sorry Donna I'm gonna go home, I just found out Andy's getting married.
 * Donna: So?
 * Ann: So that's my ex-boyfriend...and we were together for a really long time.
 * Donna: [Sarcastically] Alright...
 * Ann: What!?
 * Donna: "What?" Listen, you are a hot young doctor.
 * Ann: I'm a nurse actually...
 * Donna: Okay I don't know you. But I do know that you can fix your attitude. Do you wanna go home and feel sorry for yourself about a man you didn't wanna marry? Or do you wanna go talk to that cute boy who's been looking at you and give him your number before I throw him in my Benz for myself?
 * Ann: ...Alright.

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 * Ron: The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you burn an ex-wife effigy.

Soulmates [3.10]

 * Tom: Don't freak out, but Sewage Joe just unhooked your bra with his eyes.
 * Leslie: What? Oh boy.
 * [Leslie walks up to Sewage Joe]
 * Leslie: Hi Joe.
 * Sewage Joe: What's up Knope? Looking good these days. What do you say? Van's out back, let's roll.
 * Leslie: Where is this coming from!?
 * Sewage Joe: I don't know. You're putting out some vibe today. It's driving me crazy. Listen, if you're looking for a good time, why don't you come on down to the toilet party? That's what we call the Sewage Department.
 * Leslie: Great. Okay.
 * [Leslie turns around to leave]
 * Sewage Joe: Liking the view.
 * [Leslie looks creeped out then walks away]
 * Sewage Joe: Still got it Joe.
 * Leslie: No you don't!

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 * Chris: You ever tried a turkey burger?
 * Ron: Is that a fried turkey leg inside a grilled hamburger? If so, then yes. Delicious.

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 * [Ann is helping Leslie with her online dating profile]
 * Leslie: Yellow haired female likes waffles and news.
 * Ann: [typing] Sexy well-read blonde loves the sweeter things in life.
 * Leslie: Much better.
 * Ann: Hobbies?
 * Leslie: Organizing my agenda...Wait that doesn't sound fun. Umm...Jamming on my planner!
 * Ann: Favorite place?
 * Leslie: Upstairs there's this mural of wildflowers and I like to sit on a bench in front of it.
 * Ann: ...Really? It could be anywhere in the world. Paris, Hawaii, the Grand Canyon...
 * Leslie: Nope. Just the bench in front of the mural.
 * Ann: What about like an actual meadow where wildflowers are?
 * Leslie: Eww Ann! I'm scared of bees! Mural!
 * Ann: Okay what do you think of dogs?
 * Leslie: Love!
 * Ann: Cats?
 * Leslie: Love!
 * Ann: Fish?
 * Leslie: Love!
 * Ann: Turtles?
 * Leslie: ...No opinion.
 * Ann: ...
 * Leslie: They're condescending.
 * Ann: Describe your ideal man.
 * Leslie: He's dark and mysterious. And he can sing. And he plays the organ.
 * Ann: I think you just described the Phantom of the Opera.
 * Leslie: Mmmmm.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Craig: [on the phone] Hello this is Craig at hoosiermate.com, how can I help you?
 * Leslie: Craig your service is crap!
 * Craig: Can you be more specific?
 * Leslie: Yes. Your soulmate match was totally wrong for me. I mean, I like him as a friend and everything, but I'd never go out with him. He's like a little sister to me.
 * Craig: We have a very sophisticated algorithm that's paired up thousands of couples. I actually met my wife on the site.
 * Leslie: Really? Well that's not gonna last.
 * Craig: Excuse me?
 * Leslie: You heard me! Your marriage is a sham! Goodbye Craig! [hangs up]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Leslie: Hi Joe. I know you're going to take this the wrong way but can I talk to you for a second?
 * Sewage Joe: You can do anything to me for any number of seconds.
 * Leslie: Hmmm.
 * Sewage Joe: Would you like to talk outside in my van?
 * Leslie: No here's fine. I was...flattered by what you said earlier. And I was just wondering, what do you look for in a woman?
 * Sewage Joe: She can't be in a wheelchair. No canes. No gray hair.
 * Leslie: So basically you're just attracted to me because I'm not an old person.
 * Sewage Joe: Yeah. And as I aforementioned, you have a killer dumpster.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Chris: Fresh lettuce is my all-time favorite food. What's your favorite food?
 * Andy: Oh, I take Skittles and I put it between two Starbursts. Know what I call it?
 * Chris: Skittle Sandwich?
 * Andy: ...That's pretty good. No, I call it Andy's Mouth Surprise.  It's nice because the flavor of the Starbursts really bring out a similar flavor in the Skittles.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Tom: 'Zerts are what I call desserts. Tray-trays are entrees.  I call sandwiches sammies, sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers.  Air conditioners are cool blasterz, with a z.  I don't know where that came from.  I call cakes big ol' cookies.  I call noodles long-ass rice.  Fried chicken is fri-fri chicky-chick.  Chicken parm is chicky chicky parm parm.  Chicken cacciatore?  Chicky catch.  I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds.  Root beer is super water.  Tortillas are bean blankies.  And I call forks...food rakes.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Grain n' Simple Employee: Would you like to sample our vegan bacon? 100% meatless.
 * Ron: Yes please.
 * [Employee hands him a piece and Ron throws it in the trash]
 * Grain n' Simple Employee: ...
 * Ron: Another please.
 * [Employee hands him another piece and Ron throws it in the trash]
 * Grain n' Simple Employee: Sir is there a problem?
 * Ron: I'm just making sure no-one ever has to eat this.
 * Grain n' Simple Employee: I...I don't think I can give you anymore.
 * April: I want one.
 * [Employee hands her a piece and April throws it in the trash]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Ron: I love Food and Stuff. It's where I buy all of my food...and most of my stuff.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * April: I swear on this dead crow that I will never cook for you.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Leslie: Let’s play a different game. I’m gonna say stuff about me and you say, on a scale from one to ten, how interested in that thing you are. Ready?
 * Tom: Okay.
 * Leslie: I love sunshine and fresh air and early morning walks.
 * Tom: One.
 * Leslie: I’ve read five biographies of Eleanor Roosevelt.
 * Tom: One.
 * Leslie: I work at the Parks and Rec...
 * Tom: [Interrupting] One.
 * Leslie: That’s what you do.
 * Tom: One.
 * Leslie: I once kissed a girl in college.
 * Tom: [Smiling] Eight.
 * Leslie: Where I graduated summa cum laude in History.
 * Tom: One. Zero. Negative a billion. Don’t talk about it anymore, please.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Chris: I humbly place before you my East meets West, patented Traeger Turkey Burger. An Asian fusion burger made with Willow Farms organic turkey, toasted taleggio cheese crisp, papaya chutney, black truffle aoli and microgreens on a gluten free brioche bun. Enjoy!
 * Tom: This tastes as delicious as Beyonce smells...I'm guessing.
 * Donna: What is this in here? Saffron?
 * Chris: Wow! Somebody's got a sharp palette!
 * Kyle: I love the umami flavor.
 * Jerry: Stop being so pretentious Kyle!
 * Kyle: Sorry.
 * Ron: Here's mine. It's a hamburger, made out of meat, on a bun, with nothing. Add ketchup if you want, I couldn't care less.
 * Chris: Ron, I am so disappointed. I thought that you and I were gonna have a real challenge.
 * Tom: Never mind this is better!
 * Donna: Way better!
 * Jerry: Mmmmm Mmmhmm!
 * Andy: ...Kyle?
 * Kyle: ...Sorry Andy, Ron's is better.
 * Andy: Damn it Kyle! [takes a bite of Ron's burger] Oh my God this is so much better it's crazy!
 * Ron: Turkey can never beat cow Chris. Sorry.
 * Chris: I don't understand. I've tinkered with this recipe for years. Granted it's been along time since I've had a hamburger. [takes a bite of one of Ron's burgers] ...This is better. The commisary will continue to serve horrifying, artery clogging hamburgers.
 * Everyone: Yay!

Jerry's Painting [3.11]

 * Ron: OK everyone, SHUT UP AND LOOK AT ME! Welcome to Visions of Nature.  This room has several paintings in it.  Some are big, some are small. People did them and they are here now.  I believe that after this is over they'll be hung in government buildings.  Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me.  I also think it's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can just go outside and stand in it.  Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further.  End of speech.

<hr width="50%/>
 * Tom: That's what you see when you close your eyes at night, Jerry: topless Leslie glued to a horse!

<hr width="50%/>
 * Leslie: That painting is not gonna be destroyed. Every great work of art contains a message. The message of this painting is: Get out of my way, unless you want an arrow in your ass Marcia.

<hr width="50%/>
 * Andy: Morning Roomie! How'd ya sleep?
 * Ben: Well there were no bedbugs...also no bed...I'm gonna go buy a bed. I'm sorry, are you eating turkey chili off of a Frisbee?
 * Andy: Hahahaha yeah it's really cute right?
 * Ben: No. Do you know what cute means?

<hr width="50%/>
 * Brandi Maxxxx: I think this whole debate is ridiculous. What Leslie and I do is obviously art.
 * Leslie: Oh...hang on. There's a big difference between an oil painting of a Greek myth and a pornographic movie.
 * Brandi Maxxxx: It's okay Leslie, I got this one.
 * Leslie: What!?
 * Brandi Maxxxx: What Leslie and I want people to know is you should be able to have sex anywhere you want and show it anywhere you want. Whether it's girl on girl action, bondage or what have you!
 * Leslie: Okay hang on...

<hr width="50%/>
 * Leslie: Pornography is very difficult to define. In fact, it was Justice Stewart who once said, "I can't define pornography, but I know it when I see it."
 * Perd Hapley: Brandi, how would you define pornography?
 * Brandi Maxxxx: For me, it's when the penis goes in.

<hr width="50%/>
 * Marcia: So how do you wanna do this? Burn it publicly or burn it privately and I put the footage on my blog...
 * Leslie: You've made your point okay? Look this painting is very important to me. It doesn't need to hang in a government building, just let me take it home and we'll keep it there. What do you say?
 * Marcia: I say this painting is going to burn. First here, then in Hell. [Pulls out parking stub] Do I need to get this validated?
 * Leslie: I don't...I don't know...
 * Marcia: No? Okay then great I'm just gonna pull my car around and you can load it in the back.
 * Leslie: No!
 * [Leslie grabs the painting and takes off running with it]
 * Marcia: Hey! Come back here!
 * Leslie: Make me stag! I am Diaphena!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Andy: Yes, we're gonna get a dish rack, and shower curtains, and a cutting board, but if you think for one second that I'm not also gonna get that marshmallow shooter so I can shoot you in the face with marshmallows when you're asleep, then you're the dumbest woman I know.
 * April: [deeply touched] You're going to make me cry.

Eagleton [3.12]

 * Leslie: Ron refuses to tell anyone when his birthday is; he's even had it redacted on all government documents. Three years of investigations, phone calls, Freedom of Information Act requests, and I still had nothing. Until, a well placed bribe to a gentleman at Baskin Robins revealed... Ron's birthday is on Friday!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Ron: I don't like loud noises and people making a fuss. And I especially don't like people celebrating because they know a piece of private information about me. Plus the whole thing is a scam: birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * April: Hey Ron, how's the street parking at your house?
 * Ron: What?
 * April: Can you handle like 20 cars or a double-decker party bus?
 * Ron: There is no street parking at my house. My house is not even on a street.
 * April: Do you have space for like a huge circus tent?
 * [Ann walks in with a big bunch of balloons]
 * Ann: Hey Ron, have you seen... [Ron starts violently popping the balloons with a pen] What!? What the hell!? No!
 * Ron: Well looks like there won't be any balloons for the birthday boy.
 * Ann: These were for a sick child at the hospital!
 * [The final balloon spins around to reveal "Get Well Soon Tyrone!" is written on it]
 * Ron: ...Ah. My office now.
 * Ann: I don't work for you!
 * Ron: Don't care.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Ron: I'm only gonna ask you this once. What is going on with my birthday?
 * Ann: Oh my God Ron! It's your birthday!? Happy Birthday!
 * Ron: Shut your damn mouth.
 * Ann: This is a fun conversation.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Chris: You want me to do what now?
 * Ron: Send Leslie somewhere on an assignment, a conference or something...and make her take April...and freeze their bank accounts.
 * Chris: I don't understand. Is Leslie's work unsatisfactory?
 * Ron: No it has nothing to do with her work. I don't wanna get into it.
 * Chris: Wow. This is me okay? You know you can talk to me about anything.
 * Ron: [Quietly] Well it's my birthday on Friday.
 * Chris: Hey! Happy Birthday! [Kisses Ron full on the mouth]
 * [Ron is frozen with a horrified look on his face]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Leslie: You might have a fancy car and a...mahogany purse or whatever rich people have but I remember something that you're trying to forget. You're a Pawnee girl.
 * Lindsay: No Leslie, I'm not.
 * Leslie: Then why do you come here at dinner time to get take out from the legendary JJ's Diner?
 * Lindsay: It's not for me! These waffles make great dog laxatives!
 * Leslie: Don't you dare feed that waffle to that dog to get it to poop.
 * Lindsay: [feeding the waffle to the dog] Sambuca need to make? There you go!
 * Leslie: HOW DARE YOU!?
 * [Leslie throws Lindsay in the trash and starts wrestling with her]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Leslie: I will never apologize to her.
 * Lindsay: Nor I her.
 * Leslie: [In a mocking British accent] Nor I her! I doth proclaim to be a stupid fart face.
 * Lindsay: Nice retort. Did G.B. Shaw write that for you?
 * Leslie: Did G.B. Shaw write your stupid fart face!?

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Leslie: The only thing I'm guilty of is loving Pawnee. And punching Lindsay in the face. And shoving a coffee filter down her pants.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Ann: First of all, this color looks amazing on you.
 * Leslie: Thank you.
 * Ann:Second of all, the whole fence thing? She's obviously trying to get a rise out of you. Third of all, she knows she only got the job because you turned it down which must drive her nuts! But most importantly, say the word and I will beat her senseless with a baseball bat.
 * Leslie: [deeply touched] Thank You.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Lindsay: What's going on here?
 * Leslie: Hi Lindsay. Introducing the Pawnee Wiffleball League. It's an idea that I came up with after my best friend Ann over there said she wanted to bash your head in with a baseball bat.
 * [View of Ann smiling and waving]

The Fight [3.13]

 * [Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker]
 * Ron: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.
 * Leslie: ...I did. I broke it.
 * Ron: No. No you didn't. Tom?
 * Tom: Don't look at me. Look at Ben.
 * Ben: What?! I didn't break it.
 * Tom: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
 * Ben: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
 * Tom: Suspicious.
 * Ben: No it's not!
 * Jerry: If it matters, probably not, but April was the last one to use it.
 * April: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
 * Jerry: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
 * April: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that Jerry!
 * Leslie: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it Ron.
 * Ron: No! Who broke it!?
 * Ben: Ron...Donna's been awfully quiet.
 * Donna: REALLY?!
 * [Everyone starts arguing]
 * Ron: [being interviewed] I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it. I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Chris: We need to find a new PR Director for the health department. Dennis Cooper was fired today.
 * Ben: Why?
 * Chris: Short answer, he went bananas. Long answer, his wife Jan had an affair, gave him a venereal disease, so he put signs about her all through city hall. I'm sure you've seen them.
 * Ben & Leslie: Oh yeah.
 * [Cut to Chris being interviewed and reading off the different signs]
 * Chris: "Jan Cooper will give you Chlamydia. Brought to you by the Pawnee Health Department."
 * "Chlamydia affects nearly 100% of Jan Coopers."
 * "The Department of Health congratulates Jan Cooper, Miss Chlamydia."
 * "Jan I love you. Please come back. I realize I'm not blameless here. Please. Brought to you by the Health Department."
 * "Re-elect Jan Cooper, Mayor of Whoreville."

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Andy: Hello strange person who I have never met before. Who are you?
 * April: I'm Janet Snakehole. I'm a very rich widow with a terrible secret. Who are you?
 * Andy: Burt Macklin, FBI. I was the best damn agent they ever had until I was framed for a crime i didn't commit. Stealing the President's...rubies. Now I work alone.
 * April: Lovely to meet you.
 * Andy: I gotta admit, I thought your costume would be alittle more slutty.
 * April: [slaps Andy] HOW DARE YOU!? [walks away]
 * Andy: ...Nice.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Ron: Hello, my name is Ron Swanson. Normally I try never to speak with people, but I've been drinking this Snake Juice thing, and it's damn good. You should buy it.
 * Bar Patron: Yeah okay, thanks man.
 * Ron: Son, you should know that my suggestion is essentially a guarantee. [hands man glass of Snake Juice] Drink this. Now.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Tom: Traegermeister! You made it!
 * Chris: Yeah I got your email. We need to talk.
 * Tom: First, grab a Snakejuice. It's 140 proof which means it's 70% alcohol. But don't worry, there's plenty of caffeine in it to keep you awake.
 * Chris: I believe an ounce of that would literally kill me.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Ann: No offense, but maybe you think I'm going too fast 'cause you're going too slow with Ben!
 * Leslie: No offense, but I'm going slow 'cause I might lose my job!
 * Ann: No offense, but maybe that's a little bit of an excuse for not acting on your feelings!
 * Leslie: No offense, but I don't remember you having a nursing degree in feelings!
 * Ann: Offense! That's rude! I'm gonna go dance. Douche, you're up!
 * The Douche: Mmm-hmm!
 * Ben: Hey, are you OK? I heard yowling.
 * Leslie: Yeah, I'm very angry and I'm really drunk. Do you wanna dance with me? Go get me another snork juice.
 * Ben: Oh, that's maybe not the best idea for you.
 * Leslie: Forget it! Jean-Ralphio!
 * Jean-Ralphio: [immediately appears] Yes, I'm here!
 * Leslie: Dance up on me!
 * Jean-Ralphio: Yes, yes, yes!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Andy: You've gotta try role play. That's what me and April do.
 * Ben: ...that explains the outift.
 * Andy: Yeah you gotta dream up some weird scenario like you're her boss and sex is forbidden because she works for you.
 * Ben: ...That is our actual situation.
 * Andy: And she's addicted to spanking.
 * Ben: Okay. Thanks, we got it. We're good.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Leslie and Ann are drunk and fighting outside the restroom]
 * Leslie: If you're worried about working with Chris it doesn't matter! He's fine with it. He said it wouldn't be weird.
 * Ann: You talked to Chris before you talked to me?!
 * [A girl walks between them]
 * Leslie: EXCUSE ME!
 * [Cut to Leslie being interviewed]
 * Leslie: This is my first fight with Ann and it's a doozy. But, I believe that honest discussions between friends can lead to deeper intimacy. This is a watershed moment in our relationship and it's important that we fight clean. All I need to do is focus, and stay calm.
 * [Cut back to Leslie and Ann]
 * Leslie: You're stupid and you're a jerk and you're stupid! [Runs into the restroom]
 * Ann: UGH!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Donna: This "Snake Juice" is basically rat poison. Everybody's wasted.
 * [cuts to a drunk and crying Leslie]
 * Leslie: You don't even know one thing, I didn't even say one thing and then she asked me the whole thing and I didn't even do it once!
 * [cuts to a drunk Tom]
 * Tom: I'm like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it's like OK, he's in there.
 * [cuts to a drunk Ann]
 * Ann: I'm gonna tell you...That...That bitch over there...I'm...I'm gonna tell..I don't have to...I don't have to brag.
 * [cuts to a drunk and giggling Ben]
 * Ben: Baba booey.
 * [cuts to a drunk Andy]
 * Andy: Turn this music down. [singing] Farts and boobs and love and stuff... macaroni salad...
 * [cuts to a drunk April]
 * April: [rapidly speaks Spanish]
 * [cuts to a drunk and laughing Jerry who starts coughing then drinks more Snake Juice]
 * [cuts to a drunk Ron, who is wearing April's hat and dancing frantically]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Donna has all the drunk people packed in her Benz]
 * Ron: Is this everybody?
 * Donna: Ann took a cab, Tom's in the trunk, Jerry's on the roof. Alright, where to first?
 * Leslie: Your mother's butt!
 * [Everyone laughs]
 * Jean-Ralphio: I'm so alone...
 * Donna: If even one of you thinks about dry-heaving in my car your all walking home.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Chris: There's got to be something we can do. [shouts into the next room] Ben, is there something we can do?!
 * [silence]
 * Chris: Damn it, Ben's not here...

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Ben: Leslie, we have to go hire a new PR director for the health department.
 * Leslie: Oh my god I'm so hungover. I've never been this hungover. Are we dead?
 * Ben: I feel great. I ran a 5K this morning.
 * Leslie: Really?
 * Ben: No, I threw up in the shower.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Ben and Leslie are interviewing people]
 * Ben: Thank you, we'll let you know.
 * [Interviewee walks out]
 * Ben: And then our heads will explode, and we will die... [sigh]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Ben: You're wearing snow pants...
 * Ann: I got home last night and I thought I might go sledding...
 * [View of Ann's lawn where there's not a drop of snow in sight]

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Ann comes in to interview for the Public Health position]
 * Leslie: You came!
 * Ann: Yeah I had some encouragement.
 * Ben: Your sweater's on inside-out.
 * Ann: And backwards! It's been a tough morning. Lots of regret and shame. Should be the official slogan for Snake Juice.
 * Leslie: Uh well this committee would like to ask if you are the kind of candidate who could forgive someone after they behaved like a complete jackass.
 * Ann: This candidate could, especially since this candidate also behaved like a total jackass.
 * Leslie: Please don't worry about it. The committee totally understands.
 * Ann: Also, I can talk about my qualifications for this position but first, I am gonna go throw up in a wastebasket.
 * Leslie: Would you mind if I joined you?
 * Ann: Not at all! Shall we?

Road Trip [3.14]

 * Ron: It's never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on the taxpayers' teat until they have sore, chapped nipples. ...I'm gonna need a different metaphor to give this nine year old.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Leslie: I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine.  I'm going to the bathroom.  The whiz palace, as I like to call it. And I'm not calling Ann, so...

<hr width="50%/>
 * [after her and Ben's first kiss]
 * Leslie: Uh-oh.

The Bubble [3.15]

 * [Ann walks into her office to find it literally bursting with balloons]
 * Leslie: Hey! Ladies and gentlemen for the first time ever at her new part-time job in the health department at City Hall it's Ann Meredith Perkins!
 * Ann: Leslie this is so nice!
 * April: [popping out of the balloons] I put poisonous gas in one of these balloons so if any of them pops you may die.
 * Andy: [popping out of the balloons] No April, we would all die. Gasses fill the volume of whatever container they're in. [looking at the camera] School.
 * Leslie: We have activities every hour on your first day. 10am: Ann's First Day Waffle Explosion. 11am: the Start Paperwork Jamboree. And then twelve noon sharp is the Inaugural Da-ANNce Party.
 * Tom: [popping out of the balloons] Welcome to City Hall cupcake!
 * Ann: How many of you are in here!?
 * Leslie: There's seven! And you have an office mate. His name is Stuart and he's kind of a grouch.
 * Ann: I have an office mate?
 * Stuart: [popping out of the balloons] Get these fucking balloons out of here!
 * Ann: ...Hi I'm Ann.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * [Stuart walks in on Leslie talking with Ann]
 * Leslie: Stuart, please could you give us like 45 minutes!
 * Stuart: It's my office too-
 * Leslie: Stuart!
 * [Stuart awkwardly walks out]
 * Leslie: Wow that guy was rude.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Chris: I feel that some structural changes could really unlock this department's potential. Jerry.
 * Jerry: Mmm?
 * Chris: I believe that you are capable of so much more.
 * Jerry: I'm Not.
 * Chris: Nonsense. Look in the mirror!
 * Jerry: Huh?
 * Chris: You are an intelligent, charismatic, beautiful superhero. I'm making you head of Public Relations, which means you'll be leading the Monday briefing sessions.
 * Ron: Excellent idea.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Chris: April, you are too valuable to just be Ron's assistant. So from now on, you are a multi-tasking executive aide, assisting the entire office.
 * April: Is this a nightmare? [hits herself with her pen] April wake up!

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Leslie: Okay you need to be strong, powerful, decisive. This is not a meeting, it's a battle. Normal meeting rules do not apply. I'll be my mom and I'm gonna be very harsh with you and it's only because I like you a lot.
 * Ben: Okay.
 * Leslie: Go!
 * Ben: Hello-
 * Leslie: Wrong.
 * Ben: What?
 * Leslie: No preambles. No introductions. Just walk in and start talking.
 * Ben: ...Id like to discuss the school bus-
 * Leslie: I'd like to discuss your rhyming, Dr. Seuss. And you should be sitting by now.
 * Ben: What?
 * Leslie: Just walk in and take a seat.
 * Ben: Um...
 * Leslie: "Um" is the sound in "dumb." That's what she says to people. And now you've crossed your legs like a woman.
 * Ben: God! Okay should we just start over?
 * Leslie: No, we need to put a pin in this. Here is a list of my mother's top 10 conversation topics starting with Persian rugs, ending with Daniel Craig. You have 10 minutes to memorize it.
 * Ben: "Deliverance," the movie?
 * Leslie: Mmmhmmm.
 * Ben: Oh God.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Donna: This ain't gonna work.
 * [Ron swivels away from Donna]
 * Donna: Okay you did not just swivel away while I was talking to you.
 * [Ron swivels back]
 * Donna: This spaceship keyboard is driving me crazy! I'm down to one word a minute. And the word is "perflipisklep" because I can't fly spaceships.
 * Ron: Donna you know as well as I do that these City Manager shake-ups always peter out. We just have to wait.
 * Donna: Usually I'm with you. But this is Chris Traeger. The six million dollar man. He won't quit. So you need to swivel your ass down to his office and have a word with him.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Sobbing Woman: There's nothing left. It's over!
 * Chris: Hey, hey, hey, don't say that. Now, come on. Get yourself together and go out there and be the woman you always knew you could be.
 * Sobbing Woman: [deeply touched] Thank you!
 * [she walks away]
 * Tom: Who was that?
 * Chris: I don't know. I saw her crying and so I helped.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Chris: Ron Swanson!
 * Ron: Chris, you have come up with a plan so spectacularly horrible that it might ruin the entire department.
 * Chris: Now wait a minute...
 * Ron: I mean that as a compliment. So it pains me to say this: my department has to go back to the way it was.
 * Chris: Give them time. They'll adjust.
 * Ron: No they won't. They're miserable. Tom only performs when there's someone to impress, so marooning him on freak island isn't helping anyone. And you made April assistant to everyone? You know who April hates? Everyone. And Jerry can only function if no one is looking. You shine a light on him and he shrinks up faster than an eskimo's scrotum.
 * Chris: That's very perceptive, Ron. And very graphic.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Andy: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I read that one on a can of lemonade. I like to think it applies to life.

Li'l Sebastian [3.16]

 * Leslie: How did you find out?
 * Ron: We've worked together for a while now. I'd like to think I know you pretty well.  Plus, Ben butt-dialed me last night.
 * [Ron holds up his phone]
 * Leslie: [over phone] OK, OK, and this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss.
 * Ben: [over phone] Whoa, Eleanor likes the tongue. Show me Pelosi again.
 * Leslie: [over phone] OK, lay down...
 * [Ron puts his phone away]
 * Leslie: Please tell me you hung up before Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
 * Ron: Unfortunately not.
 * Ben: Ugh.
 * Ron: This is a scandal waiting to happen. If you get caught which you CLEARLY will, Chris will fire you and I won't be able to stop him.
 * Leslie: Ron, we're being very careful.
 * [Ron holds up his phone]
 * Leslie: [over phone] Oh President Reagan, my blazer popped open.
 * Ben: [over phone impersonating Ronald Reagan] Well, Maggie Thatcher, let me help you with that. Our countries have had a very special relationship.
 * Leslie: OK, yes...
 * Leslie: [over phone] Oh no!
 * Leslie: ...You've proven your point.

<hr width="50%"/>
 * Tammy Two: Guess I'll be heading home.
 * Ron: Catching the number 12 bus to Satan's butthole?
 * Tammy Two: Actually I prefer the number 69 train to Humpsville station.
 * Donna: Red alert, Swanson! Your ex-wife's back!
 * Ron: No kidding, Donna.
 * Donna: Not her. The other ex-wife.
 * Ron: ...Tammy One?
 * Donna: She's in your office.
 * [They all look at Ron's window and see a woman partially obscured by the blinds]
 * Tammy Two: Oh Shit! [runs away in fear]

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 * Chris: What's the point of doing 10,000 push-ups a week if you have no one to do them with. I'd much rather do 5,000 push-ups with a lovely woman... sitting on my back to increase my resistance.

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 * Ron: I have cried twice in my life. Once, when I was 7 and was hit by a bus, and again when I learned that L'il Sebastian had passed.

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 * Ron: When I walked in this morning and saw the flag at half mast, I thought, 'Great. Another bureaucrat ate it.' But when I found out it was Li'l Sebastian, [sobs] Half-mast is too high. Show some damn respect!

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 * Leslie: We'd like to encourage everyone to buy our merchandise. All the proceeds will go towards L'il Sebastian's favorite charity...The Afghan Institute of Learning...

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 * Andy: [Being Interviewed] What's 5,000 times better than a candle in the wind?
 * [Cut to Andy about to perform at the memorial]
 * Andy: This song is called "5,000 Candles In The Wind"