Parks and Recreation (season 5)


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Parks and Recreation (2009-2015) was an American political comedy television sitcom, airing on NBC, starring Amy Poehler as Leslie Knope, a perky, mid-level bureaucrat in the Parks Department of Pawnee, a fictional town in Indiana.

Ms. Knope Goes to Washington [5.1]

 * Andy: You OK, boss?
 * Leslie: No, not really. I know I should be focusing on this cleanup, but all I think about is Ben laughing in a helicopter with Hot Rebecca.
 * Andy: Who's Hot Rebecca?
 * Leslie: She's just this jealousy amalgam I created. [Andy stares confused] I combined all of the giant dark-haired smartphone power goddesses into one woman called Hot Rebecca.
 * Andy: Oooh.
 * Leslie: I mean Ben's life is filled with senators and briefings and Super PACs. I can't even get a meeting with some bureaucrat.
 * Andy: [laughing] I don't even know what a bureaucrat is. Everything is gonna be fine with you and Ben because if I know Ben, he too is an amalgam.
 * Leslie: No.
 * Andy: Yeah. Point is you're better than Hot Rebecca.  You're Kickass Leslie.  Long distance relationships are never easy but you never ever give up on stuff.
 * Leslie: Thanks.
 * Andy: That's what makes you...
 * Leslie: Nope.
 * Andy: ...an amalgam. Nailed it.


 * Ron: Your work is appreciated. Eat some corn.

Soda Tax [5.2]

 * Leslie: I believe with my help all the restaurants can get healthier. Paunch Burger, Big & Wide, The Fat Sack, Colonel Plump's Slop Trough...which was formally Sue's Salads...until we ran that out of town...


 * Leslie: Well, Paunch Burger just recently came out with a new 128 ounce option. Most people call it a gallon, but they call it the Regular. Then there is a horrifying 512 ounce version that they call Child Size. How is this a child size soda?
 * Kathryn: Well, it's roughly the size of a two-year old child, if the child were liquefied. It's a real bargain at $1.59.


 * Andy: I'm never gonna be a cop. I'm gonna have to be a robber.


 * Ben: Every one of these little twerps is seriously connected. So new plan. Instead of firing them, I'm going to kiss their asses like crazy!


 * Kathryn: If they don't wanna drink our delicious sodas, we do provide healthier options like Water Zero.
 * Leslie: Oh yes let's talk about Water Zero. The name implies that there are zero calories, like most water, but in fact it has 300 calories per serving. Isn't that misleading?
 * Kathryn: The zero on the label refers to the amount of water in it, which is zero. If you want zero calorie water try Diet Water Zero Lite. It has only 60 calories.


 * [At a public forum]
 * Leslie: I may vote against the tax because frankly I don't take job losses lightly.
 * Woman: No I want the tax! My husband started drinking those giant sodas and he's gained 100 pounds in three months! Consequently we haven't had sex in ten years...
 * Ann: ...I thought you said he gained weight in the last three months?
 * Woman: Well we have lots of other problems.


 * Ben: Guess what's in these boxes everybody. What!? Pizza! That's right everybody chill out, take a pizza break! On me! Ellis! What's up my male? Grab a slice of Za bro!
 * Ellis: Okay.
 * Ben: Hey. Dude you play Ultimate!?
 * Ellis: Yeah I played intramural at Georgetown.
 * Ben: Dude! So did I! In college!
 * April: Whoa! You guys should get married!


 * Ben: Let's do it to it ma dudes!


 * Man: I think we should tax all bad things...like racism...and women's vaginas.
 * Ann: We're not taxing anyone's genitals.
 * Man: Well what the hell are we doing here!?


 * Leslie: Hey.
 * Ann: Hey you look weird.
 * Leslie: So do you...that's a lie you always look beautiful.


 * Ben: Hey Ellis! Elbow! El Chupacabra! Drinking coffee!
 * Ellis: ...What?
 * Ben: Oh it's a...It's from 40 years ago. Never mind.


 * Ellis: [on the phone] Yeah I love cupcakes.
 * April: [grabs the phone] Ellis hates you. And he has herpes. [hangs up]
 * Ellis: What is your problem?!
 * April: My problem is you Smellis. Ben told you to finish the website and if you don't do it I swear to God I'm gonna murder you in your sleep. I know where you live. 14th Street right? I'm gonna get a melon baller and scoop your eyes out and eat them. And your congressman uncle is gonna have to buy you a dog to drag your eyeless face around! Do you understand that?
 * Ellis: Yes.
 * April: Do it!

How a Bill Becomes a Law [5.3]

 * April: Are you busy? And writing Star Trek fan fiction doesn't count.
 * Ben: Ha. ...And I finished that last week.


 * Leslie: The perm must wait, Autumn. THE...PERM...MUST...WAIT.

Sex Education [5.4]

 * Leslie: Okay everyone! Great news! Lots of old people have chlamydia.
 * Andy: Woo!


 * Leslie: Seniors in Pawnee have a lot of time on their hands and what they're doing with that time is going at it hard, old people style. A lot of them haven't had proper sex education and as a result STDs are having a field day. It's amazing what a few old guys can do with a little bit of charm and a lot of crabs.


 * Leslie: Okay sex avengers. These old fogies are very set in their ways, they're hopped up on E.D. medication and they got nothing to lose...cause they're close to death.
 * Ann: Also seniors can be pretty ornery.
 * Andy: Actually I think it's pronounced "Horny."


 * Leslie: I have an idea. Let's pretend that we're old people and we can ask Ann our grossest, most perverted sex questions. I'll start. [in an old lady accent] I'm an old lady. Why do I need birth control? I haven't had my monthly since LBJ was president!
 * Ann: With the elderly we're not so concerned with pregnancy, we're more concerned with disease.
 * Andy: [in an old man accent] Do pubic hairs get longer the older you get?
 * Ann: I don't think so no.
 * Andy: Cause that's happening to me...what should I do?
 * Donna: Where can I get lube that is healthy to eat?
 * Andy: [in an old man accent] I ran over my testicles with my jazzy scooter.
 * Leslie: [in an old man accent] I think you're good to go nursey. I wanna jump on that caboose! Choo-Choo!
 * Ann: [to Donna] You should never eat lube... [to Andy] You need to see a doctor immediately... [to Leslie] and I'm sorry sir but you have to be under 40 to ride this train!
 * Leslie: Ohh! That's how you do it kids! [High fives Ann]

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 * Marcia: If we allow this filth to be taught to our seniors then the next thing you know it'll be in our high schools and our kindergartens and before you know it, we have babies in thong underwear. Is that what you want?
 * Leslie: [sarcastically] Yes that's what I want.

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 * Ann: So we're just gonna do the thing we know doesn't work? Great plan!
 * Leslie: There's no other option Ann! Put away your sex toys and play with them on your own time!
 * Andy: I did eat all the bananas so...you can't play with those.

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 * Marcia: I'm so glad you finally came to your senses.
 * Marshall: Here's our educational pamphlet. I recommend you start reading at chapter three.
 * Leslie: [flips to chapter three] Chapter Three: There's A Party In Your Pants & No-one Is Invited...
 * Ann: This is crazy, I mean obviously the best way to prevent disease is to magically stop all sex but that's not gonna happen!
 * Marcia: Well maybe not where you come from in TRAMPsylvania.
 * Marshall: Hahaha good one honey! [They high five and then walk away]
 * Ann: I'm from Michigan! ...That wasn't worth saying.

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 * Marshall Langman: Guurrl, you look like Annie Oakley and Pippi Longstocking had a baby and I LOVE it.

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 * Ben: [on phone with Leslie] I love you.
 * Leslie: I love you too. What are you wearing?
 * Ben: I can't do that right now.
 * [Leslie laughs]

Halloween Surprise [5.5]

 * Morris: I'm just saying, you should have put "spoiler alert" on all those death canoe tweets. Also, not safe for work. You know, a lot of what you wrote was really profane.
 * Donna: [on her phone] That movie's 25 years old, Morris. And if you don't like how I tweet, don't follow me.
 * Morris: What are you doing now? I'm talking to you.
 * Donna: I'm live tweeting this dumbass conversation.

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 * Leslie: Okay so I have arranged for the parks department to throw a huge garage sale fundraiser for Jerry to help pay for his hospital bills. The Pawnee Municipal Employee Healthcare Plan is kinda crappy. One time I sprained my wrist and our insurance claimed that having a wrist was a pre-existing condition.

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 * Andy: Babe how much should I sell this hat for?
 * April: I dunno, eight cents?
 * Andy: Honey! This is the hat I was wearing the first time I heard "Vitalogy" by Pearl Jam.
 * April: Ooh...$900.
 * Andy: Yeah, that sounds about right.

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 * [Leslie has to give up the house she wanted for her and Ben]
 * Leslie: Well my boyfriend might not be moving back for a while so I have to back out. Just wanted to look at it one more time.
 * Martha The Realtor: You know I can't give you your deposit back.
 * Leslie: I know.
 * Martha The Realtor: And there's a $300...
 * Leslie: Alright Martha I get it!

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 * [In their future home, Ben goes to one knee in front of Leslie.]
 * Leslie: …oh my God, what are you doing?
 * Ben: I'm thinking about my future. [he pulls out a box and opens it, revealing a ring] I am deeply, ridiculously, in love with you. And above everything else, I just…I-I want to be with you forever. So Leslie Knope, will you—
 * Leslie: Wait, wait, okay? Just—I need to remember this.
 * Ben: Sure.
 * Leslie: Give me a second.
 * Ben: Okay.
 * [she pauses to catch her breath, barely holding back tears]
 * Ben: Leslie—
 * Leslie: No, no, no, no, hold on. Just—I need another second, please. I need to remember every little thing about how perfect my life is, right now, at this exact moment.
 * Ben: [smiling] Okay.
 * [they pause, looking around the room nervously]
 * Ben: You good?
 * Leslie: Yeah! I'm good.
 * Ben: Leslie Knope, will you—
 * Leslie: YES!
 * [he leaps to his feet and they kiss passionately]
 * Ben: —marry me?
 * Leslie: Oh, yeah!
 * Ben: Okay! [they resume kissing]

Ben's Parents [5.6]

 * Ben: If there's anyone who can bring my parents together, its NO ONE. No one can bring my parents together.

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 * Leslie: I'm so happy I want to shout it from the rooftops!
 * Ben: And she has. We've gotten several noise complaints.
 * Leslie: We're getting married!
 * Ben: All right.

Leslie vs. April [5.7]

 * Andy: I can never tell if people are lying to me. I hope that doesn't come up in my police work

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 * Ben: Just call me Bond, Municipal Bond.

Pawnee Commons [5.8]

 * Derry: Welcome to 'Thought For Your Thoughts,' I'm your host Derry Murbles, sitting in for Nina Joplin who is touring the country performing a spoken word opera about pear-shaped women. My guest today is City Councilwoman Leslie Knope.
 * Leslie: It is a pleasure to be back Derry. Your show last week on dolphin lactation...was just riveting radio. Derry my team and I are trying to build a park and we need input on the design from you, the citizens of Pawnee. So I guess I'm here to send out the bat-signal.
 * Derry: A bat-signal, for listeners who might not know, refers to the children's character the Bat-Man, a strong gentleman who fights crime nocturnally.
 * Leslie: ...That's correct. Well put. This park is gonna be a celebration of Pawnee, by Pawnee, and for Pawnee. So you know send in your plan, or your resume and quick...Please hurry...This is all gonna fall apart if you don't hurry.

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 * Leslie: Wow! Beautiful fountain!? Perfectly manicured shrubbery!? This is like Parks Department porn! This guy is great! I don't care if he's some junkie, war criminal pimp. I am not gonna change my mind!
 * Ben: His name is Wrestin Saint James. He's from Eagleton.
 * Leslie: Oh I've changed my mind.

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 * Leslie: Sometimes when I rant about Eagleton I forget to breathe and I pass out.

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 * Leslie: No we cannot have someone from Eagleton design a park for Pawnee. We have had a blood feud that has lasted for 200 years!
 * Ben: We don't have a lot of time and he is the first decent candidate. So let's at least go meet the guy.
 * Leslie: Yeah. That's a good idea. Then we can reject him face to face. I like your plan.
 * Ben: ...

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 * Andy: Chris gave me this great job as a weekend security guard at Pawnee City Hall. Only one problem. It's a terrible job.

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 * Leslie: No one from Eagleton has ever wanted to help anyone from Pawnee for any reason. In 1988 we were hit by a tornado. We asked Eagleton for help and they claimed they weren't home. An entire town claimed they weren't home.

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 * Ron: Here I have designed something very important. Why don't you start work on that right away?
 * Chris: Yes sir!
 * Ron: [to the camera] It's a flight of stairs that leads to nowhere.

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 * Ben: I don't know if you knew this, but Leslie was born in Eagleton.
 * Leslie: Do not blame me for the sins of my mother!

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 * Ben: Were you listening to him when he was talking about serving the public and making our communities better? You know who he sounds like right?
 * Leslie: Yes! Idi Amin. Or Lord Voldemort.
 * Ben: No. You!

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 * Ben: Mr. Saint James. This has been a strange day but we wouldn't wanna leave you with the wrong impression of Pawnee.
 * Andy: [runs in] HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN HITLER!? [runs out]
 * Ben, Leslie & Wrestin: ...

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 * Tom: Well done Team! What do ya think of the place?
 * Ann: Do you really like this yellow paint? I mean I know it was on sale but it looks a lot like dried phlegm.
 * Donna: For real Tom. This place is sad. I think one of the mannequins tried to commit suicide.
 * Chris: I think what's important is that we all had a goal, and we achieved it.
 * Ann: So you like the place?
 * Chris: Oh no it's quite terrible.
 * Tom: This is the best I can do for now. And I'm $46 under budget! Now I have a small treat for you guys for all your hard work. Pizza Party!
 * Jerry: One small pizza for all of us!? With no toppings!?
 * Tom: Cheese is a topping Jerry! And why are all these lights blaring by the way? Does somebody own stock in the electric company? [shuts the lights off]
 * Ron: Hmm. If there were more food and fewer people this would be the perfect party.

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 * [Two Eagletonians are presenting their offensive park design]
 * Woman: We present the crown jewel of Pawnee containing the sights, sounds and most importantly, smells that define your city.
 * Man: There are several drool buckets for your more slack-jawed citizens. We also have food troughs full of cheeseburgers and public showers with instructions for those who've never showered before.
 * [Pause]
 * Leslie: [quietly with rage] You have five seconds to get out of here or I will rip your throats out.
 * Ben: Out! Now!
 * Woman: Oh hey, my backyard is bigger than your park so...
 * [Ben holds Leslie back from charging her]
 * Ben: Leslie stay back! Stay back!

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 * April: Alright so does this look familiar?
 * Andy: No not at all.
 * April: I was talking to Joey.
 * Joey's Mom: Joey!
 * Joey: Mommy!
 * Joey's Mom: Oh there you are! Oh God I was so worried! Thank you so much! You'll never know how much I appreciate it!
 * Andy: Well just doin my job ma'am.
 * Joey: Thank you for saving me Andy. Thank you too Ms. Hitler.
 * Joey's Mom: ...What?
 * April: Don't worry about it.
 * [Joey's Mom hurriedly carries him away]
 * April: Wow you made those losers very happy.

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 * Ben: What the Hell happened man!?
 * Wrestin: I had nothing to do with that stupid prank. In fact that's why I'm late, I was firing the two people who were responsible and I was escorting them out of the building.
 * Ben: Well...good!
 * Wrestin: Full disclosure. Certain people in the firm wanted to promote them but I insisted they be fired.
 * Ben: If you swear to me that your serious, maybe we can salvage this.
 * Wrestin: I would really love to. But what about Leslie? I doubt that she could ever get over the bad blood between our towns.
 * Ben: I think you're wrong. Leslie is a very forgiving person.
 * [Leslie runs up and start spraying shaving cream all over Wrestin]
 * Leslie: REVENGE! Hahaha this is for Pawnee you buttfaced pompous jerk! WOOOOO! I love you Ben! PAWNEE FOREVER! You want a stupid tie!? [spraying his tie] I'll give you a stupid tie! Haha Wrestin! Suck it! Now we're even.
 * Ben: Leslie.
 * Leslie: Huh?
 * Ben: He didn't do it and he fired the people who did.
 * Leslie: ... [drops cans and runs away]

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 * April: It's been a pleasure serving with you son.
 * Andy: If you ever need me you know where to find me. In bed next to you, probably having sex with you.

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 * Tom: Welcome to the new new Rent-A-Swag now with 30% more swag. I used the money you guys gave me to add a little flair and I took everything I own in my house and brought it here. Except for my bed. I basically live here now.
 * Ron: I hate all of this. Which probably means it's good for your business.

Ron and Diane [5.9]

 * Leslie: Merry Congratuchristmas!
 * Ron: What?

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 * Ron: Recently I made a chair. When I was finished I thought it was a good chair. I submitted it to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association who felt it merited consideration for an award...It's been a real whirlwind!

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 * Leslie: Oh! I forgot to sing you my Merry Congratuchristmas carol! Jingle bells! Jingle yay! Jingle good for you!
 * Ron: Get out.
 * Leslie: Yeah. okay.

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 * Andy: I'm allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 pieces, I throw up.

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 * Ann: You should at least invite Jerry to the dinner.
 * Tom: HA! That's hilarious. You should do stand-up.
 * Ann: ...If you're kidding you suck but if you're serious, I actually have been thinking about it. Hey April, Matlock called, he wants his cardigan back. BOOM! I'm out. [walks out]
 * April: Who's Matlock?

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 * Tom: In honor of Jerry Dinner, let's each say our favorite Jerry moment from the past year.
 * April: Yes!
 * Tom: Mine was the time he slipped on the cinnabun and landed in a bunch of garbage.
 * April: My favorite Jerry moment was when he ate a bowl of glue!
 * Andy: My favorite Jerry moment is when you switched out his potato soup with glue and he didn't know. You're so cute when you're bullying babe!
 * Donna: ...You know what, Ann was right. This is mean. We are going to pick up Jerry.
 * April & Tom: No!
 * Donna: It's Christmas time. Don't you wanna be good people?
 * Tom: Not really.
 * April: Never!

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 * [Leslie talking about Diane]
 * Leslie: Smart, funny, independent and sexy? Diane Lewis? More like Diane Sawyer!

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 * [Leslie is giving Ron two thumbs up]
 * Leslie: Ron guess why my thumbs are up!
 * Ron: No.
 * Leslie: Because I am giving you my 100% approval about Diane. She is perfect for you! She gets you! She is at the bar right now ordering a Lagavulin neat, for you! I mean she's even putting up with all this stupid, boring woodworking stuff!
 * [Everyone around them looks offended]
 * Leslie: I'm sorry but you know it's not the Superbowl guys, let's take it down a notch. Anyway, you have my approval.
 * Ron: I don't need your approval.
 * Leslie: But you have it.
 * Ron: Don't need it.
 * Leslie: But you got it!

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 * Leslie: This could end up being the best night in Ron Swanson's life! I am so so happy for him-
 * [Tammy Two walks in]
 * Tammy Two: Hello you gorgeous craftsman! Wow look at this room! So much wood ready to be worked.
 * Leslie: ...Fuck me!

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 * Leslie: Alert! Alert ! Alert! Alert!
 * Ron: She's here isn't she?
 * Tammy Two: Oh hey Ron! What a coincidence! Gosh I never dreamed you'd be here!
 * Ron: Tammy, this is Diane. Diane this is a piece of human garbage named Tammy who is also my ex-wife.
 * Tammy Two: Twice ex-wife! We were married twice.
 * Leslie: And divorced twice! Everything is done, they're totally done! Tammy! What are you doing here?
 * Tammy Two: Oh I just have a little something I need to get drilled.

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 * Ann: Well Well Well, You want to come in to Jerry's party. And why is that?
 * April: I need a place to deliver this baby Ann! It's coming out of me right now! I'm pregnant!
 * Ann: This is a lovely party, thrown by a lovely man and his lovely family. There's no place for meanies.
 * April: Oh forget it I'm coming in.
 * [April tries to get in but Ann holds her off with ease]
 * April: Ow! Get off me! Uhh!
 * Ann: You're so weak! Really? I mean I'm barely even doing anything. Are you iron deficient? Let me look at your pulse.
 * April: It's because of your man strength! Mann Perkins.
 * Tom: Let us in Ann it's cold outside and I can't wear mittens because they're unflattering to my hands!
 * Ann: Sorry guys. This is your penance. You can come in if you do something nice for Jerry.
 * Donna: Hey! I already did something nice for Jerry. I drove here to take him to Jerry Dinner.
 * Ann: Aww Donna! You can come in.
 * Donna: Oh okay! [walks inside while the others protest] He He He He! Merry Christmas Bitches!

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 * Tammy Two: Oh my gosh what a coinkidinky! Look we're sitting at the same table!
 * Leslie: Tammy, this table is reserved.
 * Tammy Two: A guy traded me his seat for a peek and a squeeze. That's my boob and my butt respectively. Remember that Ron?
 * Diane: Subtle.

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 * Ann: Well hello again. You ready to be nice to Jerry? Because it's so cold out here it reminds me of my wife's lasagna!
 * April: ...I actually like that one.

Two Parties[5.10]

 * Chris: To Tom Haverford! Wooo!
 * Tom: And to my wife Rihanna! We truly did find love in a hopeless place

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 * Ann: Anything that can be penis shaped, will be penis shaped!

Women in Garbage [5.11]

 * Tom: I can't keep referring to basketball players as Khloe Kardashian's husband and his friends.

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 * April: You know what? I think men are better than women.
 * Leslie: She's kidding
 * April: No I'm not. they provide for us and we must obey them because they are our masters.
 * Leslie: April. Stop it!
 * April: Leslie, you'll never land a beau with that domineering tone.

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 * Ron: Girls this is Ann. Talk to Ann, she's terrific.
 * Ann: ...Hey dudettes! You stoked about the weekend...no. Oh! Look at this pwetty pwetty wittle bead.
 * Ron: They're not infants.
 * Ann: I don't know. I'm weird with kids. So...you guys like Coldplay?
 * Zoey: You're weird.
 * Ann: You're-[runs out]
 * Jerry: Well hey girls!
 * Ivy: ...No.
 * Jerry: Okay. Thanks. [walks away]

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 * Ann: But it was actually a blood-hungry witch who was wearing their mom's face like a mask!
 * Zoey & Ivy: AHHHHHHHHHHH!
 * Ron: Hahaha! What is wrong with you woman?
 * Ann: Sorry I thought kids liked ghost stories!

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 * Leslie: Woo! April let's finish up! We have some stereotypes to overcome.
 * April: And some privacy to violate!
 * Leslie: Yeah!
 * April: Woo!
 * Leslie: ...Wait no.

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 * Andy: You are officially a baller.
 * Tom: I've been a baller since birth, son. Now, I'm an athlete.

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 * Ron: Jerry. I never thought I would say this, but I am so glad you're here.

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 * Ron: Bakery called this in. It needs to go on that truck right there.
 * Leslie: Well easy, breezy, beautiful...that's a Covergirl slogan, I didn't mean to say that.

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 * Ann: It's not that bad. Nobody got hurt.
 * Ron: It's extremely bad! I love this woman, and I just wanna show her that I'm capable of watching her children without something horrible happening. [Ann's mouth is open] What?!
 * Ann: Did you just say you love Diane?
 * Ron: No. I did not.
 * Ann: Yes you did! That is so cute!
 * Ron: For God's sake, Hanson, will you please focus on the larger problem!
 * Zoey & Ivy: [singing] Oooooo! Ron loves mommy! Ron Loves mommy!
 * Ron: Girls! Girls! I don't know what you think you heard but please don't tell your mother what you incorrectly think you heard.
 * Ann:[singing] Ron loves mommy! [the girls join in]
 * Ron: I LOVE NOTHING! [runs out]
 * Jerry: [giggles as Ron runs past]

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 * April: Those guys suck okay! We have to prove them wrong! Look all we have to do is get some PCP, you can move anything on Angel Dust. My cousin Hestin, he beat up five cops on that stuff.

Ann's Decision [5.12]

 * Leslie: Ann is giving up on love and deciding to have a baby with herself. And she has only been dating herself for six weeks. If she was dating a guy for six weeks, and they decided to have a kid, I'd be like, "Congratulations, Ann... and Channing Tatum." Because that is the only scenario that would make sense to me.

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 * Ron: There's been a mistake. You've accidentally given me the food that my food eats.

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 * Ben: [trying to pick a caterer for his wedding] Tom, what about you?
 * Tom: Caterer number one's presentation was simple, mm, yet exhausting. Number two's was subtle and provocative, like a coy dutch woman guarding a dark secret.
 * Ben: Nothing you're saying is helpful.
 * Tom: But number three's told a story- a story from a book I wouldn't read but I would watch the movie of.
 * Ben: That's nonsense.

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 * April: So tomorrow, I lead a public forum in Leslie's Fleetwood Mac sex pants.
 * Andy: Fleetwood Mac sex pants. New band name. I call it. [snaps fingers] Ooh, you know what? Maybe just Fleetwood Mac.

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 * Tom: It smells like some vomit took a dump in here.

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 * Tom: [Ben, Ron, and Chris all have food poisoning] I didn't eat those stupid mini-calzones. Haver-Food rule number six- Never eat anything with a sauce I have to dip myself. Drizzle it on for me. I'm not your maid.

Emergency Response [5.13]

 * Leslie: Damnit, Jamm. I should have had animal control kill you.
 * Animal Control: Huh.. Who do you want me to kill...I'll kill them.

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 * Donna: The tables showed up which is good, but there are no chairs which is bad.

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 * Ron: [fielding different questions] The next thing you'll want to do is ditch the terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless. Come to the Gala. Next caller.
 * Grapes of Wrath, chocolate-chip ice cream, and Johnny Cash.
 * Don't trust big banks or small banks. Banks are ponzi schemes run by morons.
 * Your house isn't haunted. You're lonely.
 * Whatever happened to, "Hey, I have some apples. Would you like to buy them?" "Yes, thank you." That's as complicated as it should be to open a business in this country.
 * I've seen three movies in my life: Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, and Herbie Fully Loaded. My girlfriend's kids love it. It's pretty funny. Next caller.

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 * Leslie: How did you get the word out?
 * Ben: Well, Ron went on Joan's show and kicked ass.
 * Ron: I also helped a child perform a tracheotomy on his elderly uncle. It's been a very rewarding day.

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 * Tom: Love? Love fades away. But things? Things are forever.

Leslie and Ben [5.14]

 * Donna: Did you just pee your pants?
 * Jerry: Just a dab.
 * Donna: You nasty Jerry.

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 * Chris: I hate to say this, but Ann Perkins has terrible taste in rings.

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 * Jerry: When I heard Ben was getting married, I was all, "to Leslie or to Game of Thrones."
 * Tom: Nooooo... Jerry!

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 * Ben: [tying his bow-tie] Okay, did I- did I do it right? [the tie is crooked] How's it look?
 * Chris: Terrible. And perfect. I promised myself I was not going to cry tonight. And I have already broken that promise five times. But I will not... break it a sixth.
 * Ben: Go ahead and let it out, buddy. It's okay.
 * Chris: I have something for you.
 * Ben: All right.
 * Chris: It is the letter from the statehouse... telling us that we have been assigned to Pawnee. Dated May 1st, 2010.
 * Ben: [quietly] No way.
 * Chris: We were supposed to be here eight weeks. I'm so happy that those eight weeks turned into three years, and that you met Leslie, and that we both found a home.
 * Ben: Damn it, you're transferring your crying thing over to me.
 * Chris: It's okay, buddy, let it out. [they laugh]

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 * Ron: [to Leslie] Before we go inside, I'd like to say something. You are a wonderful person. [voice breaks] Your friendship means a lot to me. And you look very beautiful.

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 * Ron: People who buy things are suckers.

Correspondents' Lunch [5.15]

 * Leslie: Ah, what am I going to do? I just opened a can of whoop ass on myself!

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 * Leslie: Oh Ann. You're too beautiful to be funny. It's not your fault, you've never had to compensate for anything.

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 * Ron: I wish this office was just walls.

Bailout [5.16]

 * Ann: Before I write that letter, you have to spend a whole week doing everything I say.
 * April: So what, I have to be your slave or something?
 * Ann: No, you have to be my friend
 * April: Ugh, that's so much worse.

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 * Chris: You're a smart successful young man with an adorable belly.

Partridge [5.17]

 * Chris: Last year I won an organic gardening contest.
 * Donna: Who were you competing against?
 * Chris: My own taste buds.

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 * Ron: There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk, which is water that's lying about being milk

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 * Tom: May I say for the record that is a dope pocket square

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 * April: HIs nickname around the office is Softypants McHuggable.

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 * April: We should sue Jamm's parents for spawning a human turd burger.

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 * Ron: On the night I punched Councilman Jamm in the face, I warned him several times to back off, and instead he attacked me twice. Truthfully, I barely registered his attack. He's incredibly frail and his arms are weak. And when I punched him, he dropped so quickly I thought he was diving towards the ground. I regret nothing. The end.

Animal Control [5.18]

 * Ann: How many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week?
 * Ron: One.
 * Ann: That's it? One drink?
 * Ron: One shelf.
 * Ann: Do you exercise?
 * Ron: Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking.
 * Ann: Do you have any history of mental illness in your family
 * Ron: I have an uncle who does yoga.
 * Ann: Allergies?
 * Ron: Cowardice and weak willed man....and hazelnuts
 * Ann: Sexual History?
 * Ron: Epic and Private

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 * Tom: Pop quiz. Name the scent.
 * Ben: Ummm Spasm. No, Butterface.

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 * Leslie: Hello, Orin. Thank you so much for applying, now leave.
 * April: Hey, give him a chance. [to Orin] What makes you qualified for animal control?
 * Orin: I studied zoology in college, and I can control animals with my mind.
 * Leslie: Get out.
 * Orin: I made you say that. [gets up and leaves]
 * Chris: I liked him.

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 * Leslie: April, I got a present for you. [holding a basket full of lotion bottles]
 * April: I don't like lotion. I like my hands to be cracked and calloused like a railway worker.
 * Leslie: I know. I filled the bottles with fake blood, vinegar, and mud.
 * April: [smiles] Really? Thanks.

Article Two [5.19]

 * Ron: Normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, I'd choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I'd work all night if it meant nothing got done.

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 * Ann: I keep getting outbid by someone called Tall Tyrion Lannister. What kind of name is that?
 * Donna: Are you kidding me? Tyrion Lannister? Lord of Casterly Rock? The half man? You don't watch Game of Thrones?
 * Ann: No, do you?
 * Donna: Hell, yeah! Have you seen those Dothraki dudes? They can get it! Everyone on that show can get it!

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 * Ann: Stop bidding on my waffle iron.
 * Ben: You're futuremrstigerwoods?
 * Ann: I made that profile, like, ten years ago. I don't know how to change it. The point is I'm getting that waffle iron for Leslie for Breakfast Day.
 * Ben: Uh, no, you're not. I'm getting it for her for Waffle Day. Wait, you have a breakfast day too? Mine's in June.
 * Ann: Please, Ben. This is the celebration of the anniversary of the first time we hung out at JJ's, which she considers the beginning of our friendship.
 * Ben: Well, imagine being married to her. It's like being smothered with a hand-quilted pillow filled with cherished memories. I can't believe I'm complaining about how thoughtful my wife is. [loud to the room] Sorry, honey. I love you.
 * Ann: Look, I have known her for longer, I have five years' worth of anniversaries, so I have seniority.
 * Ben: Oh, god. Oh, no! We've lost the auction.
 * Ann: What- no!
 * Ben: Somebody swooped in at the last second, and now we're both screwed.
 * Ann: No! Okay, Tyrion Lannister, why don't you just cast a spell and get us the waffle iron back?
 * Ben: Oh, okay. I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are. [pause] Actually, it's gonna bug me if I don't. The Lannisters while very wealthy, do not possess the magical abilities of, say, the warlocks of Qarth for example.
 * Ann: This is why we don't hang out.

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 * Tom: One time my refrigerator stopped working and I had no idea what do to! I just moved.

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 * Ron: There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear and hunger.

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 * April: My spirit blood is on your hands.

Jerry's Scrapbook [5.20]

 * Tom: Ron, ask me if I am sad.
 * Ron: No

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 * Donna: Andy will never be the new Jerry. Nothing embarrasses him. He is like a giant puppy with no shame.

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 * Tom: I'm gonna buy some sweat pants and a Nicholas Sparks novel. Might as well lean into it.