Paulie

Paulie is a 1998 film about a bird named Paulie, starring Tony Shalhoub, Gena Rowlands, Hallie Kate Eisenberg and Jay Mohr. Mohr performs the voice of Paulie and plays a minor on-screen character.

Dialogue

 * Misha: So, they bring you here?
 * Paulie: No, no. It wasn't that easy hitting Rock Bottom. I did a bunch of things. First, I did a stint as a window display in a place called, Bloomingdale's. And I was in a brochure for Costa Rica. I did some work as a magician's assistant, doing children's parties. But when Zintar fell on hard times, he had to choose between me and the cape. Guess which one he pawned?
 * [Cut to Paulie in a Pawnshop singing along to Tom Jones, "What's New, Pussycat?" plays on Artie's radio]
 * Artie: [To Paulie] Shut up, you goddamn flying rat! Shut up! Maybe you are uncomfortable in there. Maybe you need a change. How about this... uh... nice toaster oven for little old Top Brown only, huh?
 * Paulie: Oh, come on, Artie. We haven't pawned anything all day. Look, let's go catch the Number Nine at Belmont. I'm bored.
 * Artie: You and me both.
 * Paulie: I wanna go home.
 * Artie: Yeah, well, [a side burned Benny, a New Jersey-accented thief, enters the pawnshop with a stolen radio] get on the line.
 * Benny: [to Artie] You know, Artie, today is your lucky day.
 * Artie: Right. [inspects the stolen radio] Fresh out of the showroom, right? Where's the receipt?
 * Benny: I lost it.
 * Artie: Ten bucks.
 * Benny: Ten bucks?! Come on, gimme a break, Artie! I'm trying to upgrade the level of your merchandise here!
 * Paulie: Hit the brakes, ugly!
 * Benny: Aw, that's cute. Are you training your bird to insult your customers?
 * Paulie: No, but I could tell you're ugly all by myself.
 * Benny: How'd he do that?
 * Artie: He watches television.
 * Benny: What an angle. [to Paulie] I could see how his unique skills could really come in handy to an intelligent guy, huh?!
 * Paulie: Well, I'll let you know when I'll see one.


 * [An old woman artist, Ivy, enters the pawnshop with an easel that her late husband, Earl, an ex-marine, gave to her as a present]
 * Benny: [To Artie] How much do you want for him, Artie?
 * Artie: A lot more than ten bucks, baby. You'd have to grift for more than a year to make his numbers.
 * Ivy: [to Paulie, Artie, and Benny] Okay, which one of you three is the proprietor?
 * Artie: [to Ivy] Very funny, toots. Uh... What have you there?
 * Ivy: Oh, this? This is... This is my easel.
 * Artie: Mmm-hmm.
 * Ivy: It's a fine one. My late husband go it for me, and I really hate to part with it, you know.
 * Artie: Yeah, whatever. Uh... Dead husband aside. Uh... Do you wanna pawn, or sell?
 * Ivy: Well...
 * Paulie: [to Ivy] The real question is, aren't you prepared to throw in that potholder on your head?!
 * Ivy: Well, that was extremely rude! [To Artie] Did you teach him to do that?
 * Benny: [To Ivy] Uh... No. No, that's the thing. The dirty mouth is all his.
 * Paulie: [To Ivy] What are you looking at?!
 * Ivy: [To Artie] You know, I think I'll take him with me.
 * Benny: [To Ivy] Well, I don't think so, lady. You see, I saw the bird first.
 * Ivy: Oh, no, no, no. I'm... I'm afraid you are not the right owner for him. [as Artie and Benny look at each other] Uh... You know, somebody has got to teach this beautiful bird some manners. Then it might as well be me.
 * Paulie: What's wrong with my manners?! [Belches]


 * Ivy: [To Paulie] You know, you should learn how to fly, Paulie.
 * Paulie: Well, the last time someone suggested that, it didn't work out so good.
 * Ivy: You were missing out on doing something that was probably pretty great.
 * Paulie: Hey! Why don't you try it, and let me know?


 * [The flashback shows where Marie is playing on the tire swing]
 * Marie's Mother: Marie! Marie, come see what your grandpa brought you.
 * [Marie's Mother leaves and Marie follows her into the house. She meets her grandpa]
 * Marie: [Stuttering] G-G-Grandpa!
 * Grandpa: My beautiful girl.
 * [Marie's Mother holds a flower pot and smiles]
 * Marie: W-What d-did you bring me?
 * Marie's Mother: Look in the basket, sweetie.
 * [Marie opens the basket and finds an infant Paulie]
 * Paulie: [Narrating] I opened my eyes, and there she was.
 * Marie: B-Bird.
 * [Marie picks up Paulie. Marie's Mother and grandpa smiles]
 * Paulie: [Narrating] I didn't know what this creature was, but I liked it.
 * Grandpa: I thought I'd give her someone to talk to. I named him Paulie.
 * Marie: [Cuddles Paulie] Pretty P-Paulie.
 * Paulie: [Narrating] Pretty Marie.


 * Paulie: It's a long story.
 * Misha: I'm Russian. I like long stories!
 * Paulie: All right, Chekov. Sit down. It all started with Marie.
 * Misha: The one from the song?
 * Paulie: Yeah. The one from the song.


 * Warren: I just cannot believe you didn't tell me about this.
 * Lila: Warren, I wanted to write you.
 * Warren: Well, then why didn't you?
 * Lila: Because I didn't know what to say. Marie's voice is going away.
 * Warren: Well, is she getting any better? Is it going away, Lila?
 * Lila: No, but it won't go away, if you haven't put too much pressure on her.
 * Warren: Lila, I don't think you put enough pressure on her.
 * Lila: Warren, she's a little girl. I can't stand to see her suffer. I can't stand it!
 * Warren: What happens when she goes to school? Do you think she'll be made fun of? Because I can guarantee you she will be.
 * Lila: Well, what do you think we're supposed to do about it?
 * Warren: You tell me. All this "We love you, no matter what you can do." stuff isn't going to work anymore.
 * Lila: All right, we'll just order her to stop stuttering. Is that the only way we can do to help her?


 * Ivy: Are you ready?
 * Paulie: I'm ready.
 * Ivy: So long, Jersey!
 * Paulie: So long, Jersey!
 * Paulie: [Narrating] I thought flying was scary - until I drove with Ivy. Now, that's scary.
 * [Ivy sings "Glory, Glory Hallelujah]
 * Paulie: Ivy, please. I'm a bird. I have a small brain, and it's about to explode! Let's try something a little more classy!
 * [The duo sing "What's New, Pussycat?"]


 * Ivy: But, you know, what's the matter with New Jersey? It's nice, if you will just give it a chance.
 * Paulie: Why does your house have wheels?
 * Ivy: Houses are a lot cheaper with wheels.
 * Paulie: I was thinking more along the lines that houses with wheels can go to places.
 * Ivy: Well, not anymore, I'm afraid. Earl and I used to travel all of the time, you know. But things change. He had even crazier ideas than you have got. We always used to talk about going to The Grand Canyon, but we just never got that far. Yow know, Earl said that if you stand right at the edge just when the sun comes up, it's like seeing the first sunrise in the whole world.
 * Paulie: He was kind of poetic, wasn't he?
 * Ivy: For an ex-Marine.
 * Paulie: Hmm, you miss Earl.
 * Ivy: Oh, let's not talk about that.
 * Paulie: You miss Earl.
 * Ivy: Eat your dinner.
 * Paulie: Like I miss Marie.


 * Ivy: [To Paulie, as she has gone blind] The doctor said that I really shouldn't drive around anymore. So, you'll just have to go ahead without me. Los Angeles is due west from here right into the setting sun.
 * Paulie': Well, I'll be your eyes. I can watch the road for you. Besides, I can't go without you.
 * Ivy: Oh, of course, you can. Listen, I'm not really a fond of "goodbye"s, dear. So, I think you should go. Just right now. And you send me a postcard, when you get there. Okay? [To herself] Now, where did I put my comb? I know it's around here, someplace.
 * [Paulie notices Ivy's comb, brings it to her.]''
 * Ivy: Oh! Thank you.
 * Paulie: [Narrating] And so, I stayed.
 * [Cut to a view of the sequoia forest, as Paulie and Ivy are walking towards her camper within the camper parking lot]
 * Ivy: [To Paulie] Are we nearly home yet?
 * Paulie: Go to your right here. There you go.
 * Ivy: You know what you are, Paulie? You're my seeing-eye parrot.
 * [Cut to the duo watching a sunset]
 * Ivy: You've been a dear friend to me, Paulie. We're birds of a feather, you and I. Betwixt and between, that's us. So, what do we have tonight? Is it pretty?
 * Paulie: Oh, very pretty. There's more orange now, and it's getting darker. Just a little gold left.
 * Ivy: The sun must be almost set. Can you see any stars yet?
 * Paulie: Not yet.
 * [Cut to an ambulance pulling away from Ivy's mobile home.]
 * Paulie: [Narrating] And then one day, the cat got her. There are things in life you put off, because you think you can do them later. But, the real thing Ivy taught me was, that you'll have to learn to live it like there may not be a "later."


 * Ignacio: What's your story?
 * Paulie: I'm Paulie, and I'm looking for someone named Marie Alweather. Can you tell me where I am?
 * Ignacio: You're in L. A.. East L. A..
 * Paulie: L. A.? L. A.! I made it! I made it! I can't believe it!
 * Ignacio: I can't believe it. You can talk?
 * Paulie: [Looking at Ignacio's parrots] They can talk.
 * Ignacio: Them? They don't talk! I say "taco", they say "taco".
 * Parrots: Taco, taco, taco, taco!
 * Paulie: Are they okay?
 * Ignacio: Sure, they're okay. But, I don't know about me. I'm talking to a bird. Okay. I'm talking to a bird.


 * Paulie: [To Lupe] You know, I really like you a lot.
 * Lupe: You know, I really like you a lot.
 * Paulie: Wow! I'm so glad you feel that way.
 * Lupe: Wow! I'm so glad you feel that way.
 * Paulie: Are you listening?
 * Lupe: Are you listening?
 * Paulie: Or are you just repeating?


 * Ruby: [To Benny] Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt your little testosterone festival here, but the bird right here hasn't made us that much money.
 * Benny: Hello? What are you talking about, "that much money?" We're doing great.
 * Ruby: I should be lounging by a pool in a mansion, wearing a mink coat, and, like, 18 karat diamond earrings.
 * Paulie: [to Benny about what Ruby has said] She's right. We're wasting our time, chump change, when there are rocks to be grifted.
 * Benny: Wait, what do you know about diamonds?
 * Paulie: We met in a pawnshop, Einstein.
 * Ruby: [Shows Paulie her diamond ring she is wearing] You can tell a real diamond from a fake?
 * Paulie: Yeah. I've seen shot glasses cut better than that.
 * Ruby: I cannot believe you, Benito. You're gonna get me a real diamond! And you're gonna help him!
 * Benny: Diamonds?! Well, Ruby, it's a little bit out of my league here!
 * Ruby: Your league, but not his.


 * Researcher 1: Okay, we're going to ask you some questions. We'd like for you to identify the picture. [Shows Paulie a picture card with a duck on it] What is this?
 * Paulie: [Annoyed] Duck.
 * Researcher 1: [Shows more cards] What is this?
 * Paulie: Kite. Umbrella. Look, I don't see how this is "bridging the gap".
 * Dr. Reingold: Look, Paulie, I know this is frustrating, but we have to follow a protocol, if we're gonna prove you're capable of cognizant speech.
 * Paulie: Everyone can see that I can talk!
 * Researcher 1: [Shows another card with a pie on it] What is this?
 * Paulie: Now, what is that word again for, uh, a dish composed of meat, fowl, fish or vegetables, covered in a layer of paste and baked...? Oh, yeah! It's a pie! Then again, a "pie" could be a magpie, a collection of rules, a copper coin, or what you call a fine lookin' lady. [to a woman taking notes] And if you don't believe me, look it up, blondie. But "pie" can also mean a whole, as in the pie of which we crave a piece, like the whole enchilada, the big salami, the grand prize - the talking bird which you hope will make you rich! That kind of pie! Me! I'm the pie here, and if you don't mind taking your fingers out of me for a moment, I'd like to get some lunch, you lab rat!
 * Researcher 2: [To Reingold, after an awkward pause] How do I score that?
 * [Cut to the present as Misha is laughing about what Paulie has said]
 * Misha: You said that?
 * Paulie: I told you, talking just gets you into trouble!
 * Misha: No, it's not that. I-It's how you say things. You'll have to be careful. Woman say, "You like my hat?" You say, "No, it make you look like floor mop." You get punched in nose.
 * Paulie: I got worse than that.


 * Dr. Reingold: What do you think you're doing?
 * Misha: I'm taking him.
 * Dr. Reingold: You're what?
 * Misha: I'm taking him back to where he belongs.
 * Dr. Reingold: He belongs to the institute.
 * Misha: No, he belongs to little girl, who needs him. And you knew. You knew it all the time. [to Paulie] Paulie, come.
 * Dr. Reingold: Who do you think you are?
 * Misha: I am Misha Andreovich Belenkoff. And you are a liar, and a coward, and a very rude man.
 * Dr. Reingold: And you're fired.
 * Misha: No, I am not fire. [Grins] I am quit!


 * [Last lines, as Paulie has been reunited with a now adult Marie]
 * Marie: Paulie, how did you find me?
 * Adult Paulie: Well, it's a long story.
 * Misha: It's the only kind he knows.