Penny Arcade

Penny Arcade is a comic written by Jerry Holkins and illustrated by Mike Krahulik. It is among the most popular webcomics currently online. It debuted on November 18, 1998, making it one of the oldest webcomics still receiving regular updates. The strip features the two authors' cartoon alter egos, Tycho Brahe and Johnathan Gabriel ("Gabe"), who represent Holkins and Krahulik respectively. Both the comics themselves and the news posts that generally relate to them are eminently quotable.

Tycho

 * The Tube is Civilization!




 * My humiliating victory over you is just water under the shattered bridge of your crushing defeat.




 * Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation will feature proprietary Fractal Boob Juggling technology, allowing for real-time melon manipulation... They will cast soft-edged shadows and use inverse nippomatics.




 * I wouldn't call this a computer. Nope, this is more of a "Rabid Wolverine."




 * Gabe, sometimes in order to hurt someone very badly, you have to tell that person terrible lies.




 * Some people play tennis, I erode the human soul.




 * I'll stab you in the mouth. That's a new one, huh? You ever been stabbed in there?




 * Let's go pound some nails through our dicks.




 * Check his flower pot. Check his flower pot for gay porn.  We desperately need those new dresses.




 * "Don't say another Goddamn word. Up until now, I've been polite. If you say anything else - word one - I will kill myself. And when my tainted spirit finds its destination, I will topple the master of that dark place. From my black throne, I will lash together a machine of bone and blood, and fueled by my hatred for you this fear engine will bore a hole between this world and that one. When it begins, you will hear the sound of children screaming - as though from a great distance. A smoking orb of nothing will grow above your bed, and from it will emerge a thousand starving crows. As I slip through the widening maw in my new form, you will catch only a glimpse of my radiance before you are incinerated. Then, as tears of bubbling pitch stream down my face, my dark work will begin. I will open one of my six mouths, and I will sing the song that ends the Earth."




 * Just... Don't talk anymore. You're like the Dalai Lama of fucking retards.




 * (talking about a child's belief in Santa Claus) It's a beautiful lie, one he wants to believe, given to him by someone he trusts. It's the same reason you believe in God really.

Gabe

 * There are a lot of things you can eat that aren't food.




 * Getting dark... vision fading.. tell John Romero I love her...




 * I don't know why they call them "Chip Clips." I mean, everyone just puts 'em on their wang. Why don't they just call them "Wang Clips" or "Wang Hangers" or something?




 * Okay, smartass - if this is Football, where is all the ice?




 * (making his pitch to a bunch of executives) Gentlemen, I've got something of a proposition for you.  I'm giving you a golden opportunity to invest...In my wang.  I've been offering it privately for quite a while, and we're looking at an Initial Pubic Offering near the end of the summer.  (they all leave)  Come back! My wang has serious growth potential!




 * (laying in bed, thinking) I wonder… Am I a genius? (sniffs hand)  My hand smells kinda like poop.

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 * Lord God, give me the strength to destroy these men.

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 * On the one hand, I deeply value my beanbag. On the other hand, I love Tribes 2 and routinely make very poor decisions... Oh, right in the Mean Bean Machine!

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 * Let me tell you what I just realized. In order for me to have everything I want, you're going to have to give up some things.

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 * Yes, but I do read Lesbonese.

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 * I wish I could hate you to death!

Other

 * Div: On a scale of one to ten, I'm soooo drunk.

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 * Div: That's a cute little dolphin! Does your husband play video games?

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 * Div: Oops! Was that a brick?

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 * Div: Somebody call Guinness. I'm about to go from zero to drunk in twenty dollars.

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 * A parody of Scott McCloud: Now let's take a comic like Sandwich Shoppe &mdash; Divide their forty thousand readers in half, and multiply that by sweet, bee-fresh honey. That's a hojillion dollars! Now, subtract three vanilla wafers to pay the Billy Goats Gruff, and you've got a hundred kabillion million dollars!

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 * Frank: There I was - pitch black, alone! It was the Devil's birthday in Cambodia, and I was bare-assed and hopped up on some jungle mushroom.

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 * The Merch: I fucked your dad!

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 * Annarchy: (defending her pink, pony-decorated computer case) What I carry in this box is your utter subjugation.

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 * Flight Captain: Gooood afternoon from the cockpit, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain, Captain Steve. We're looking at abooouuut three hours down to San Diego, today, we're expecting a smooooth flight, I have turned off the fasten seat belts sign and you are free to move about the cabin. I have a ball of heroin about the size of a monkey's fist jammed straight up my asshole. Beautiful weather down there, clear skies, and seventy eight degrees...

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 * Jesus Christ: (when asked by Gabe if the Revolution is "cool") I wouldn't say it's "cool," exactly. It's true that the cyber-ape revolution of 2014 does usher in a new ice age, and humanity will certainly feel the chill as they are driven underground.  Heat miners will eke out a living, tapping the Earth's molten core for precious warmth.

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 * Jesus Christ: (throwing up the horns during a game with Gabe) WOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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 * Jesus Christ: (descending in glory from Heaven) Hey guys. No, relax!  I'm not staying.  I heard you guys are frying Twinkies now.  I had to get in on that.

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 * Emperor Palpatine I hope many Bothans died to bring us this information.

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 * Penny Arcade reader: Is that supposed to be Gabe? It looks like a hedgehog fucking a cantaloupe.

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 * The Cardboard Tube Samurai: Will you face me? This tube goes by many names, some you are worthy to hear.  The Waking-Dragon, coiled, as spring dawns.  Hawk's-Harvest, seizing prey in the tall summer grass.  Autumn-Razor, the patient hunter.  The Famine-Of-Winter, that kills the babe at its mother's empty breast.  So, will you face me?  I, who hold the very reins of the world?

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 * Randy Pinkwood: A new study shows links between videogames and violence. Or something.  You know, whatever.  Another report, released from my pants just moments ago, has deemed my wang "massive," "sturdy," and "fearsome."  Ladies, I'm talking to you.

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 * Randy Pinkwood: In entertainment news, it was revealed that the Doom movie does not take place on Mars, and features no hell demons. When asked for comment, script author David Callahan made the sound of a Choo-Choo train, suggesting that all present "get aboard."  In other news, look out for the Metroid movie, about a rowdy team of baseball players who discover the true meaning of Christmas from a cowboy robot angel.  Also, critics are giving my penis "Four Stars."  Debbie in the mailroom calls it a "thrilling ride," with a "surprise ending" that will leave you breathless.

Dialogue

 * Tycho: This is totally weird. Have you ever had one of those dreams where you're naked in some public place?  And everyone's staring at you, right, and you're just kind of smiling and waving.
 * Gabe: You're not dreaming, dude.
 * Tycho: You could've told me that before we left the house.

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 * Kara: This is so romantic! Aren't you glad you didn't bring your GameBoy? (something on Gabe's person goes "Pika! Bzzzz") What was that?
 * Gabe: Uh, it's a guy thing.
 * Kara: Pokemon in your pants, huh?
 * Gabe: You gotta catch 'em all, baby.

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 * Tycho: Hey, uh... Lord? It's not nice to shoot people when they're typing.
 * Jesus: Chatty bitch should get on IRC if he wants to talk.
 * Gabe: That's what I'm talking about!

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 * (Tycho and Gabe are struggling to choose which game to buy)
 * Gabe: Wait! No, I've got it!  First, we'll get four healthy gerbils.  We name each of them after a game.  Then, over the course of several weeks, they'll be trained in various forms of armed and unarmed combat.  We will place them in an elaborate arena of my own design, where they will contend not only with each other, but with a wide variety of traps - any one of which could prove lethal.
 * Tycho: I guess so, but we could also draw names out of a hat or something.
 * Gabe: Jesus Christ, man. Where are we going to find a hat?

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 * Gabe: Diablo 2! It's here!
 * Tycho: Do not put that in your pants. I'm serious.  NO!  No, DAMMIT!  Bad Gabe!
 * Gabe: Mmmm. (Gabe puts the game down the front of his pants)

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 * Gabe: It bit me! The computer bit me!
 * Tycho: That's nice.
 * Gabe: It really did! I tried to get away, but it must have smelled my sandwich.  It bit my leg!
 * Tycho: I wouldn't call this a computer. Nope, this is more of a "Rabid Wolverine."
 * Gabe: How can you tell?
 * Tycho: Fur and teeth, my friend. Fur and teeth.

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 * (Gabe shows his portfolio in an attempt to become Art Director for a Star Wars game)
 * Interviewer: Do you have any pictures of Jedi that aren't naked?
 * Gabe: I'm not sure I understand the question.

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 * Kara: It's like you guys can't have a single conversation without the word "wang."
 * Gabe: Sure we wang. Can.
 * Tycho: Can wang.

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 * (Tycho is suicidal over a game's cancellation)
 * Gabe: I can't watch.
 * Tycho: I can understand. I mean, the whole thing is very depressing.
 * Gabe: No, you're doing it wrong. First of all, that's a butter knife.  Second, it's upside down.

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 * Critical Reader: Penny Arcade, like, sucks! And it sucks for these reasons!
 * Gabe: (reads the list) Oh no!  He figured us out!  We do just say the f-word and make jokes about videogames!
 * Gabe and Tycho: WE'RE MELLLLLLTING!

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 * Gabe: Also, it seems like they could fill more things with cream.
 * Tycho: Just "things" in general? Where do you draw the line?
 * Gabe: Well, my thinking is this: if it's empty, fill it with cream.

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 * Charles: Knock knock.
 * Tycho: Don't do it. It's a trap.
 * Gabe: Who's there?
 * Charles: Shut your pie.
 * Gabe: Shut your pie who?
 * Charles: Shut your pie hole.
 * Gabe: Damn...That came out of nowhere.

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 * Div: You're a pathetic God damned loser. I'm not even kidding.
 * Gabe: What, because I spent fifty bucks on 18 Wheeler, and the whole game takes fifteen minutes to play?
 * Div: Oh, did that come out today? Hell, I was just making conversation.

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 * Tycho: (drunk) I am the King...of No Pants!
 * Gabe: Lord, why couldn't he have been the King of Pants?

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 * Gabe: What was the worst thing you got this Christmas?
 * Tycho: Well, I've got one of those aunts. You know how everybody has that aunt that thought they were going to turn out gay.
 * Gabe: No. I don't have anything like that.
 * Tycho: (awkwardly) No, I mean like a weird aunt that sends you homoerotic stuff all the time, even when it isn't Christmas.

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 * Gabe: Rez was pretty short, but that was the best hour of my life.
 * Tycho: Really? Think hard, now.
 * Man with Turtle: (in Gabe's flashback) Well, I guess you can borrow him.  But only for an hour.
 * Gabe: Well, maybe not the best best hour.

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 * Gabe: This is a carrot cake. We're going to cut it into cubes, and we're going to put it into bowls and cover it with milk.  I give you: Carrot Cake Soup.
 * Tycho: My God. I'm scared!
 *  Gabe: You think I'm not scared? Oh, I'm scared alright.  I'm scared of what might happen if we don't try it.
 * Tycho: I don't know if I can!
 * Gabe: Goddamnit, we've got to try.

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 * Tycho: Did you glue your hands to your face?
 * Gabe: No, I'm just...surprised.

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 * Gabe: Okay, I've got one.
 * Tycho: Alright...is it bigger than a breadbox?
 * Gabe: Yes.
 * Tycho: Is it a person?
 * Gabe: Yes.
 * Tycho: Is it Batman?
 * Gabe: Shit. No.  No, it's not Batman.
 * Tycho: You can't change it.
 * Gabe: I'm not. I'm not changing it.
 * Tycho: Then why'd you say "Shit?"
 * Gabe: I don't know, alright? Just...Just keep guessing.
 * Tycho: Is it Spider-Man?
 * Gabe: Shit!

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 * Gabe: How can you say the Wonder Twins was about incest? I mean, just because he turns into water, and then she turns into an elephant, and then...Then they...They...Oh My God.  And the monkey!  Where does the monkey fit in?
 * Tycho: The monkey watches.

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 * G4 Host: (on TV) Hey! Woo woo yeah!  Yeah yeah!  I'm wild - in a completely rehearsed way!  Woo yeah!
 * Gabe: This guy is a jackass. What the fuck is he doing?  Nobody acts like that, except clowns.  Why don't they have a real gamer do his show?
 * Tycho: The sad truth is that this is what we do. We sit on the couch, we drink pop, and we flip off the TV.  This is some tedious shit.
 * Gabe: See? That's why I was saying we should get a dog!
 * Tycho: We're not having the dog conversation again.
 * Gabe: I hate you.

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 * {the birth of the Cardboard Tube Samurai}
 * Gabe: I was taking the garbage out, and I found this great tube!
 * Tycho: Wow.
 * Gabe: Can you believe someone would just throw this away?
 * Tycho: Do I believe someone would throw away garbage? Yes.  I think maybe CHOUGH (Gabe whacks him in the stomach with the tube)
 * Gabe: Say it Goddamnit!
 * Tycho: The Tube is Civilization!

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 * Gabe: So let me get this straight. I buy Kara The Sims Online, pay ten dollars a month, so she can hook up with other guys online.  Except they're probably all girls, who are just pretending to be guys.  Which is actually a pretty good deal for ten bucks.
 * Tycho: Shit, I'd pay twenty.

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 * Gabe: (in tears) My therapist says you're always making withdrawals from my Self-Esteem Account to fill your Ego Balloon. It's...subconscious.
 * Tycho: Some people play tennis, I erode the human soul.

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 * Gabe: Charles?
 * Charles: (over the phone) Yeah?
 * Gabe: Hey, this is Gabe. I need somebody to talk to about this Half-Life 2 shit.
 * Charles: Why don't you talk to that other guy?
 * Gabe: I can't, he's dead. He got SARS and he died.  I think I'm going to be alright, though.  I have one of those masks, and I drew kind of a scary face on it.
 * Charles: Yeah, that should do it.
 * Gabe: So, I'm really excited about Half-Life 2.
 * Charles: I'm really excited you might die.
 * Gabe: So, it sounds like everybody's excited.

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 * Gabe: Hey, I need to reserve Knights of the Old Republic. The Star Wars RPG.
 * Frank: Star Wars, huh? Star Wars is for pussies playing peek and poke up in the treehouse.  Let me tell you about Real Wars.  You're out there in nothing but your helmet and a skirt made out of poisonous leaves.  Leaves that make your John Hopkins swell up to the size of a Volkswagon bus.  No magical force is going to save your sorry ass from the enemy, let alone snakes or boars.  What do you think about that, Luke?
 * Gabe: I think I should go.
 * Frank: Leave your pants.

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 * Tycho: Where are your pants?
 * Gabe: We can't go to the EB anymore.
 * Tycho: Where are your pants?
 * Gabe: I think we'll have to start going to the Software, etc. again.
 * Tycho: I am asking you a serious question about the location and current status of your pants.
 * Gabe: A man took them.
 * Tycho: That's it, shhh, I've heard enough.
 * Gabe: It wasn't like that. This guy was huge.
 * Tycho: (covers ears with hands) AAAH!

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 * Tycho: Do you ever think you could be less, you know, apathetic?
 * Gabe: Meh.

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 * Gabe: There's a lot of franchises that don't really hit their stride until number 4. Like Jurassic Park 4: Dinosaurmageddon.
 * Tycho: There was no Jurassic Park 4. That's not a real movie.
 * Gabe: That's what made it so great.

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 * Gabe: This game is talking to me.
 * Tycho: Is it telling you to kill? That's how it is with me.  A lot of times witches or dogs will tell me to kill.  That's why I carry this. (pulls out a strange device)  It's got two settings.  One for scaring away dogs, one for scaring away witches.
 * Gabe: What if a witch comes at you with a dog?
 * Tycho: Well, then I'm fucked.

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 * Pork: Where's Tycho?
 * Gabe: I guess he couldn't come.
 * Other Friend: But, it's Guys' Night Out!
 * Gabe: I know what fucking night it is!
 * Pork: (whips out knife) I think we should fucking kill him.
 * Gabe: Look, we're not going to kill him.
 * Pork: Just fucking kill him! Kill him.
 * Gabe: No, alright? Jesus.  We're not killing him.
 * Pork: We never do what I want to do.
 * Gabe: Listen. If you wanted to go to Dairy Queen or something, fine, let's go.  But no.  You always want to fucking kill people.  You never just want a Blizzard.

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 * Tycho: Did you see IGN? It looks like Ronald McDonald shitted all over it.
 * Gabe: Coulda been The Grimace.
 * Tycho: The Grimace doesn't do shit. Every time I see him, he's just sitting around eating hamburgers with Ronald.  He doesn't shit on websites.
 * Gabe: Well, Ronald doesn't do anything either.
 * Tycho: That's not true. He's the ruler of Hamburger Town, or whatever.
 * Gabe: No, that's Mayor McCheese.
 * Tycho: Then what the fuck does Ronald do all day?
 * Gabe: He's a figurehead, a puppet ruler. You've got to understand: these people eat each other.  Every one of them is made of food.  Ronald puts a happy face on all that.
 * Tycho: Why doesn't everyone know about this?
 * Gabe: Fry Guys.
 * Tycho: No.
 * Gabe: Think about it. They're like the KGB of Hamburger Town.  They come with everything, and they're always trying to make you get more.  You can't not get them.  And they're always there.  Watching you.  Watching the other food.
 * Tycho: This is...This is a lot to take in.
 * Gabe: And that's just the surface. It goes so much deeper.

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 * Gabe: Didn't you work for one of those telemarketing places?
 * Tycho: I did. Why?
 * Gabe: What would make you do something like that?
 * Tycho: I hate other people. I hate to think that they might be happy, happier than I am.  So I call them.  And I see if they want any magazines.  I loved every minute of it.  Each call was sweet to me, like a juicy orange.
 * Gabe: Yeah. I can see you doing real well at a job like that.
 * Tycho: I was a Goddamn legend. In fact, I think they still have Tycho Tuesdays.
 * Gabe: Really?
 * Tycho: Oh yeah. You can wear jeans.

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 * {playing Final Fantasy XI)
 * Gabe: Don't just run over there and attack it. We should check him out first.
 * Gailgwynnych: It's a rabbit. Look how big I am.  I'm huge.  Plus, I've got this sword.  I think I can handle a fucking rodent, you pussy. {he moves out of frame to attack, but soon blood is splattering Gabe)  What are you doing?  Help me!  Cast a spell or something!  HE IS THE RUINER OF WORLDS!
 * Kara: {later) Did you help him?
 * Gabe: No. It turns out it was the king of all rabbits, indeed of all rabbit-kind.  Their lord.  The single template from which all other rabbits were wrought.

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 * Tycho: I'm afraid that Namco's R: Racing Revolution diverges too much from its arcade racing roots.
 * Gabe: I'm afraid too. My heart hurts all the time now.
 * Tycho: If I wanted to play a racing sim, I'd play Gran Turismo. You know?
 * Gabe: I feel a constant dull ache, like a memory. Does that sound bad?  Should I see a doctor?  What if they give me a new baboon heart?  I'm scared of baboons.
 * Tycho: You know, they bring the baboon right in there. You have to wrestle him for the heart.  That's how it's done.

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 * Interviewer: A glance at your website reveals you two as terrible human beings. What sins is this "charity" of yours meant to absolve?
 * Tycho: Me? I flipped off a box of kittens.
 * Gabe: I did punch a baby once... in anger. In my defense, the baby was being kind of a dick.
 * Tycho: Yeah, I don't know what that baby's problem was.

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 * Tycho: The National Institute on Media and theFamily has invented a new word to describe the violence in some videogames. Killographic.
 * Gabe: I make up words all the time. There's nothing wrong with making up words.  Stuponfucious.
 * Tycho: And what does it mean? You don't know, do you?
 * Gabe: It's the state of...you know, it's induced by...Thinking something is...is...awesome.
 * Tycho: Great.
 * Gabe: No, no...Stuponfucious.

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 * Gabe: Hey, Jesus. Tycho!  It's the Jesus!
 * Tycho: What's up, lamb of hosts?
 * Jesus Christ: I came to talk to you guys about the true meaning of Christmas. Christmas is like my birthday, only instead of buying presents for me, you buy them for all your friends.  I don't really need presents, because I live in Heaven with God and stuff.
 * Gabe: Wow. So what's Heaven like, Jesus?
 * Jesus Christ: It's pretty cool. I think you guys would like it.
 * Gabe: So did you want to throw down some Double Dash?
 * Jesus Christ: Shit yeah, ladies. I bring those blue sparks.

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 * Gabe: I heard that Shenmue III was in development at Microsoft, under the watchful eye of Ed Fries.
 * Tycho: Where did you hear that?
 * Gabe: It's a site called GameDreamZzz.
 * Tycho: I've never even heard of those guys. Look, they're probably making shit up to get a little traffic.  It can be difficult to toil in obscurity.  I'd make stuff up too.  Like, uh...Did you hear that the new Splinter Cell game is a kart racer?  Yeah.  You race against terrorists.  In the dark.
 * Gabe: Wicked!
 * Tycho: No. See, that was an example of me making stuff up.  Everything I just said was a lie.
 * Gabe: Everything?
 * Tycho: Everything I've said since about '96, yeah.

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 * Gabe: How about Godzilla?
 * Tycho: I'm finished talking about this. Van Helsing can kill any monster, alright?  Period.
 * Gabe: I don't think he could kill Batman.
 * Tycho: They'd never fight, because Batman's not a monster.
 * Gabe: Could he kill the moon, though? What if the moon, like, turned into some kind of monster.  Like...a monster moon.
 * Tycho: Yes. Even if the monster moon were hauled out of orbit by pre-crisis Superman and flung at a sleeping Van Helsing, with Batman on it, Van Helsing would still win.

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 * Gabe: I can't think of a single good reason to play Unreal Tournament 2004 online. Playing here with bots, I get no lag, no bitching, no spawn camping, there's nobody yelling about the balance, no bullshit.  I don't hear any whining about which weapon is cheap or talking about noobs.  It's heaven.
 * Tycho: "Gabe Heaven" consists of a barren world, devoid of life, populated by robots whose behavior you control. Is that about right?
 * Gabe: It's a shame your kind won't live to see it.

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 * Div: What you screwing in there, sparky?
 * Gabe: I'm putting this hard drive in the PS2.
 * Div: I've done a little hard driving myself, if you catch my meaning.
 * Gabe: Are you saying that you had sex with my Playstation 2? That's gross.
 * Div: Sex? No, no - not sex.  What I do in there is magical.
 * Gabe: What are you doing? Don't touch it like that.  Oh this...This is vile.  I have to get out of here!
 * Div: Suit yourself, kiddo. You mighta learned something.

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 * Tycho: I thought you were playing Street Fighter with Jesus today.
 * Gabe: Yeah, I was...He kept kicking my ass, though. And he was being a real prick about it.
 * Jesus Christ: (in flashback) WOOOOOOOOOOOO
 * Tycho: Jesus Christ threw up the horns?
 * Gabe: What can I say? Jesus is fucking metal.

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 * Gabe: I want to watch that new show, Animals That Kill People.
 * Tycho: You can't. I'm watching Celebrity Immolations.
 * Gabe: Let me tell you what I've just realized. In order for me to have everything I want, you're going to have to give up some things.
 * Tycho: That is not a compelling argument.
 * Gabe: What if I was a baby, who had contracted AIDS in the womb? I'd be a real tragic figure. Boy, you'd look like a selfish prick, sitting there watching your TV.
 * Tycho: There's something fucking wrong with you.

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 * Gabe: Charles is over. You ready to go?
 * Tycho: (staring at computer screen) I'm watching my sim watch tv.
 * Charles: It's time to go. What are you guys doing?
 * Gabe: (staring at computer screen) I'm watching him watching his sim watch tv.
 * Charles: (later, at a coffee shop with a friend) It was like some fucked up Escher painting, "The Perfect Eternal Jackass." It's like a jackass drawing another jackass in front of a mirror, forever. There were layers of meaning there I couldn't begin to interpret.

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 * Narration: In Shadow Hearts: Covenant, you collect gay pornography which you can trade to a homosexual tailor. In exchange, he will produce fabulous, tiny dresses for your living doll.  That's not the joke.  This is something you actually do.  You find yourself hoping that each character you meet is actually a closet queen, sitting on a stockpile of queer smut.
 * Tycho: (on phone) Hang on a second, mom.  (to Gabe) Check his flower pot.  Check his flower pot for gay porn.  We desperately need those new dresses.  No mom - we're not.  Yes, I know you worry about that.

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 * (in a parody of an RPG's character creation process)
 * Tycho: When creating your sandwich, first determine your starting meat. You may choose ten points of condiments.  Refer to table 1-A, "Emollients."  Some advanced cheeses may require an additional check.  Roll for Swiss.  Success!
 * Gabe: Shit. That sandwich looks delicious.
 * Tycho: That's because I roll twenties.

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 * Tycho: You need to explain this show to me.
 * Gabe: Okay, first of all, you've got The Merch. The thing to understand is that The Merch is very sick.  An evil wizard cast a spell on him that can be lifted, once a week, if good children purchase enough Merch merchandise.  The show revolves around a team of kids who use their "Purchasing Power" to purchase ever more expensive Merch Merchandise--even if it means stealing from Mom and Dad.  If kids buy enough products, the Merch rouses from his coma just long enough to impart some keen insight.
 * The Merch: I fucked your dad!
 * Gabe: Then he passes out again, until enough Merch merch is sold.
 * Tycho: What happens if people stop buying the Merch merch?
 * Gabe: You don't want to do that.
 * Tycho: Why not?
 * Gabe: Because then The Merch turns into The Fleshreaper.
 * Tycho: That sounds bad.
 * Gabe: Yeah. He flies from house to house, collecting torsos.

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 * Gabe: Fourteen, though...That's a tough age. All those changes...The hair...Whole body's changing.
 * Tycho: Wait, you too? My mom told me that my body was rotting because God had abandoned me.  That the devil was responsible, and that he had turned me into a toxic vessel for his purpose.
 * Gabe: No, man...No. That's puberty.
 * Tycho: But mommy said that's why daddy left. Because my wretched body was swollen with evil.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Gabe: The delivery guy from Ikea went poop in our bathroom.
 * Tycho: No, he didn't just... Listen. It would be irresponsible to say that all he did in there was poop. He used poop, yes - because poop was his medium. But what he did with it was dark and sinister. Are you sure he's not in there? Rotting?
 * Gabe: I saw him run out!
 * Tycho: Did he stumble out with a shock of white hair? Did he look like a new man, fit and lean? Answer me, man!
 * Gabe: I don't remember anything else. I thought I heard a gunshot, and then the sound of breaking porcelain.

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 * Gabe: HA-CHOO! What the fuck!  Why didn't you bless me?
 * Tycho: Bless you?
 * Gabe: "God bless you," because I sneezed.
 * Tycho: I guess I don't really do that.
 * Gabe: Did you know that every time a person sneezes, their heart stops? That's why you bless them.  Sneezing is dangerous!
 * Tycho: You seem to have made it through okay.
 * Gabe: Well, you were lucky that time. HA...HA-CHOO!  Wa...Grkh! (falls over and dies)
 * Jesus Christ: Oh shits! What happened here?  Did you bless him?
 * Tycho: Well, I mean...I was gonna.
 * Jesus Christ: Man, now I have to take him back to my eternal heavenly palace.
 * Gabe's Ghost: Yeah, thanks a lot, fucker. Let's go, Jesus.
 * Jesus Christ: We out.

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 * Gabe: I think the main problem I have with you is that you are a shitfucker.
 * Tycho: This exchange was so different in my imagination. You referred to me as the Philosopher King, and then we talked about tyranny for three hours.
 * Gabe: That really doesn't sound like me.
 * Tycho: In my mind, our conversations are always very edifying. They're about things I like, and you pause briefly before saying something incisive.
 * Gabe: I don't understand how you have time for these imaginary conversations with all your shit-fucking.
 * Tycho: Yes, well...it's difficult.

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 * Gabe: (after a fierce courtroom battle) I can't believe I lost.
 * Tycho: Well, you're not a lawyer.
 * Gabe: I think that really hurt me in there.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Gabe: I want a new PSP.
 * Frank: It churns my guts to think that I gave up a leg so you could play wireless Tiddly-Winks with the other ladyboys in homeroom.
 * Gabe: It's got dead pixels, though!
 * Frank: Dead pixels? You ever see a man die, and go on living?  I spent five years in the Torture Pits of Tranh-Nang, where their jungle witch-men can burn a man's soul out with Naja Naja powder.  I thought it was black smoke.  But what hung over that camp was the exhaust of broken dreams.
 * Gabe: So, are you replacing my PSP?
 * Frank: I'll replace your expensive toy when somebody replaces my plundered youth.
 * Gabe: Do you think that's going to be this week?

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 * (At a fictitious depiction of the Last Supper)
 * Unidentified Disciple: Christ? Judas is teamkilling again.
 * Jesus Christ: Judas, don't be a dick.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Tycho: Holy shit. Somebody next door got a Dodge Viper.
 * Gabe: You like? I'll let you ride in it sometime.
 * Tycho: That's your car.
 * Gabe: Warner Bros. optioned the rights to Dr. Raven Darktalon Blood, the cult-smash gothic horror comic book I make, and now I'm fucking rich.
 * Tycho: That nasty thing you copy at Kinko's and leave on the counter? Somebody's making a movie out of this shit?
 * Gabe: It's actually five movies, but here's how we're mixing it up. The last movie is actually the first movie.  And then, when people see the first movie, which is actually the last movie, they'll be all like...Whoa!
 * Tycho: If there is a God, and I meet him, I'm just going to kick him in the balls over and over.

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 * Gabe: Splinter Cell last night, right? So I'm a merc, and this guy is pulling some Aggro Spy shit - smoke, smoke, flash, and I'm like gas mask, motion detector, back of the gun. When I do it, I pivot - you know, with the hips? That's where the power is. Anyway, the moment I smacked him? He lost his connection.
 * Tycho: You delivered such a mighty blow, that you caused your opponent to be ejected from the server?
 * Gabe: That's right. I hit him so hard he fell off the Internet.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Teacher: Boys and girls, these two men are cartoonists.
 * Student: What's a cartoonist?
 * Teacher: Cartoonists are society's waste products.
 * Another Student: I want to make a comic about how Jimmy is dumb.
 * Tycho: A noble endeavor.
 * Gabe: (at the blackboard) Now I'm going to show you how to draw a kitty. (thinking) Don't draw a penis. Don't draw a penis.  Don't draw a penis.

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 * Gabe: You aren't going to believe what happened to me today. I found a cake.
 * Tycho: You can't just find cake. Cake isn't naturally occurring.
 * Gabe: You know that Thai place downtown? I was walking out of there, and as I was heading across the street, I found it.
 * Tycho: It had to have been someone's cake.
 * Gabe: No, I even asked somebody! I was like, "Is this your cake?"  And he was like, "No."
 * Tycho: So, what did you do?
 * Gabe: I brought it home. I thought we could have a cake party.
 * Tycho: I'm not eating any "found cake."
 * Gabe: It's chocolate.
 * Tycho: It's litter.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Tycho: Why is everyone I know here?
 * Gabe: We need to talk.
 * Tycho: Is this an intervention? Finally.  (in tears) I drink because I'm too scared to kill myself by traditional means.  I wondered how long you could watch while I drank myself into a coward's grave.  I'm sure all I need is the support of good friends.  I can do it.  We can do it.
 * Gabe: We're not here about that. The guild needs a level 60 priest, and you need to cowboy up.
 * Kara: Yeah, come back.
 * Tycho: You don't care if I'm drinking at nine in the morning?
 * Gabe: Man, I don't care if you do shots of Liquid Plumr. Just fucking, you know...Log on.

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 * Tycho: The backup drive smells like burnt hair, but that's just the backup. You' saved everything locally, right?
 * Gabe: That made no sense to me.
 * Tycho: You save each comic twice, right? Correct?  Here and somewhere else.
 * Gabe: That's a really good idea.
 * Tycho: Yeah, it's called "backing up," you fucker! What did you think you were doing?
 * Gabe: I don't know, I figured there was something special in there, that did the backup...ing...Fuck, I don't know! Listen, it said "Backup" on the box!  Look, I don't jack into your "mainframes," asshole!  I don't connect to the proxy!  Just FIX the HARD DRIVE!
 * Tycho: Oh, sure! I'll just take this melted drive and rub it on my dick until our files grow back!

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 * Tycho: (examining Gabe's playlist) Dirty Dancing soundtrack?  Jesus.  I've never understood this infatuation with Patrick Swayze.
 * Gabe: He can act, and sing, and dance...I respect that, sure. I mean, he's the total package.
 * Tycho: And you would like to sleep with him.
 * Gabe: That's unfair. I appreciate the man's work.  The wild, animal Swayze of Roadhouse.  The sensitive, vulnerable Swayze of Ghost.  Or that Dirty Dancing bad-apple my father forbids me to see.
 * Tycho: Okay, that went to kind of a weird place.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Gabe: So, you can see the future, right?
 * Jesus Christ: I don't see the future, exactly. It's more like I exist parallel to your time.
 * Gabe: Well, whatever. Can you tell me about the Revolution?  Is it cool?
 * Jesus Christ: Well, I wouldn't say it's "cool," exactly. It's true that the cyber-ape revolution of 2014 does usher in a new ice age, and humanity will certainly feel the chill as they are driven underground.  Heat miners will eke out a living, tapping the Earth's molten core for precious warmth.
 * Gabe: What the fuck are "Heat Miners?" I was talking about the Nintendo Revolution.
 * Jesus Christ: Shit. Seriously?  Well, just forget I said anything.  ]

<hr width=50%/>


 * Tycho: You're super nervous, so you grind your teeth. You had to go to the dentist.
 * Gabe: (hiding under a table) Yeah.
 * Tycho: Which terrified you. So, she gave you anti-anxiety drugs, which you were scared to take.
 * Gabe: Mm-hm.
 * Tycho: But you took one anyway.
 * Gabe: I was afraid it wouldn't work.
 * Tycho: But it did.
 * Gabe: I think so. I'm not sure.  I'm worried it won't work again.
 * Tycho: So why don't you take two?
 * Gabe: What if I get addicted?
 * Tycho: Well, if you were addicted to anti-anxiety drugs, you wouldn't care.
 * Gabe: That's what I'm worried about.

<hr width=50%/>


 * (Tycho is quizzing Gabe on "seven," which he didn't finish)
 * Tycho: Alright, who's the final boss?
 * Gabe: (trying to say Jenova) Jehovah. Jamocha.  Jam... Jamiroquai.
 * Tycho: Nice.
 * Gabe: Sabembermoff!

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 * Robert: You know, a few of my uncles were kamikaze.
 * Gabe: Wow. They must have some amazing stories.
 * Robert: No, actually. Not really.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Gabe: I've got an idea.
 * Tycho: We're not going to murder anyone.
 * Gabe: I don't have any ideas.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Gabe: God, I hate Christmas. No offense.
 * Jesus Christ: It's coo. So, who are we shopping for?
 * Gabe: Tycho. I guess.
 * Jesus Christ: I know what he wants.
 * Gabe: Really?
 * Jesus Christ: I know his very heart. The one thing his dark soul thirsts for.  But acquiring it would damn us both.
 * Gabe: Even you?
 * Jesus Christ: Even me.
 * Gabe: Well...Does he like Hickory Farms?
 * Jesus Christ: He does like Hickory Farms.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Gabe's father: I don't know, son. The printer's just... gone.  It's gone.
 * Gabe: Alright. I need you to click on the Start button.
 * Gabe's father: I don't have a Start button.
 * Gabe: Hey, dad? The house is on fire.  I'm going to have to call you back.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Gabe: You're always saying "mais, non." What does that even mean?
 * Tycho: It's something like but, no.
 * Gabe: So, "mais" is French for butt.
 * Tycho: Yes, but not butt butt. It doesn't mean ass.
 * Gabe: So I couldn't call you a mais-hole.
 * Tycho: You could, but it wouldn't mean anything. Hole isn't a French word.
 * Gabe: What is the French word for "hole?"
 * Tycho: I'm not going to tell you.
 * Gabe: Is it "La Hole?"
 * Tycho: Mais, non.

<hr width=50%/>


 * (Tycho is "executing" Gabe with a Nerf gun)
 * Gabe: Killing me won't bring her back.
 * Tycho: Ain't that a shame.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Brenna: I saw what you were doing on the computer.
 * Tycho: (thinking while wide-eyed with horror) What did she find?  The giraffe video?  Giraffes.  Who couldn't appreciate those long necks.  So slender. Why confront me?  It's obvious.  She is stalling until the police arrive.  (out loud)  Nothing you saw was illegal - in the countries it was filmed.
 * Brenna: I was talking about the mushy poetry.
 * Tycho: Yes.
 * Brenna: What were you talking about?
 * Tycho: The same thing.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Gabe: (typing at a computer) I slowly unwork the mystic bindings of your Wildheart Spaulders, apologizing softly for breaking your set bonus.  (notices Kara behind him)  You aren't playing WoW?  This isn't one of your alts?
 * Kara: Do I look like I'm playing WoW?
 * Gabe: If you aren't on, I mean...who am I cybering with?
 * Kara: That is an excellent question.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Gabe: Holy shit. Holy shit!  You've got to get out here!
 * Tycho: Huh?
 * Gabe: I said fucking hurry up! There's no time.  You've got to help me wax this pig.  Don't just stand there!  Come on!  Wax him!
 * Tycho: Finally. A chance to use my degree.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Tycho: I don't approve of this new job. You're paid to infiltrate forums, and regurgitate press releases as a trusted source?  How do you sleep at night?
 * Gabe: On a huge pile of money.
 * Tycho: Who are you now? I mean, who am I speaking to?
 * Gabe: I'm Shelly Yu, a.k.a. Missfit<3 - a feisty tween who likes games, making friends, and just having fun online! She's a respected member of the IGN boards.
 * Tycho: So you spend all day talking to boys, pretending to be a thirteen year old girl.
 * Gabe: Right. Only now, I get paid for it.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Tycho: My default policy is "Cautious Optimism."
 * Gabe: What if Krispy Kreme teamed up with someone's asshole to put shit in donuts? Would you be cautiously optimistic?
 * Tycho: Your analogies really are the best.
 * Gabe: I know. I'm like a shark.  I've just got to... keep making analogies.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Tycho: I assume you're taking off on a journey of self-discovery?
 * Gabe: Amen, brother. Gonna ride the rails.  Maybe find out who I really am.
 * Tycho: Listen, I can save you a lot of time. You're Gabe.
 * Gabe: I'll see you when I see you.
 * Tycho: Yeah, I guess you would. Godspeed!  (to himself)  He's going to get raped by a hobo.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Tycho: This is porn.
 * Gabe: It's not, like, porn porn. It's yuri.
 * Tycho: Okay, fine, it's Japanese porn.
 * Gabe: Not exactly. This is doujin miho.  San.
 * Tycho: Yeah?
 * Gabe: This is mangannaise.
 * Tycho: You're just saying words you heard today. This is Porno.
 * Gabe: You don't understand the culture.
 * Tycho: What I understand is that you spent a hundred dollars on manga, and you can't read Japanese.
 * Gabe: Yes, but I do read Lesbonese.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Gabe: I don't know why Kingdom Hearts games make me do all this teddy bear crap.
 * Tycho: Winnie the Pooh is a fucking bad-ass in this one.
 * Gabe: Serious?
 * Tycho: Shit yeah, bitch. He merges with Jenova, and murders Christopher Robin.  At the end, he summons a meteor and tries to destroy the Hundred Acre Wood.
 * Gabe: That sounds hard-core. How are you supposed to beat him?
 * Tycho: You don't, really. He gets stuck in the door to Rabbit's house.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Gabe: If I won tickets? And I was supposed to see the movie with my best friend on Movie Day? I would give those tickets away. I would give them to orphans.
 * Tycho: Yeah, it's not really a kid's movie.
 * Gabe: Well... I would get their parent's permission.

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 * (On Gabe's inability to complete Jiminy Cricket's sidequest in Kingdom Hearts II)
 * Gabe: I've tried, Jiminy! Oh, how I've tried. My hand is a withered claw!
 * Jiminy Cricket: Then you're a bitch. And you'll get the bitch ending you deserve.

<hr width=50%/>


 * [Gabe and Tycho take in the Metal Gear Solid 4 trailer.]
 * Gabe: Maybe in Japan, having a little moustache like that makes you really cool.
 * Tycho: Somebody needs to tell them that over here, it means you're a math teacher.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Joyworlds booth guy: You ever wonder what you look like with boob?
 * Tycho: We're not interested.
 * Gabe: Tell me more.

<hr width=50%/>


 * (Gabe and Tycho are at an elementary school)
 * Student: Your dragon looks like a, like a fish dog.
 * Gabe: Well, let's see your dragon. This dragon's a piece of crap.
 * Student: Well, my mom hangs my drawings on the 'fridgerator.
 * Gabe: Oh yeah? Let me tell you a little story about your mom.
 * Tycho: (snapping fingers) Gaabe...Hey!  No!
 * Gabe: She's a...Very classy lady...And you...
 * Tycho: You are very lucky to have her.
 * Gabe: Oh, are you ever lucky.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Tycho: It's not a big deal. People forget their passwords all the time.  That's why they make you set up a secret question.
 * Gabe: Oh, I set up a secret question alright. I set up some zen shit.
 * Tycho: What is delicious. What is delicious?  It's a valid avenue of inquiry.  What does it mean to be delicious?  Can something untasteable possess some flavor that is metatastual?  Could, then, an idea be delicious?  Maybe I've been reading it wrong the whole time.  What if it's not a question at all? What if it were a statement.  Perhaps what is, itself, delicious.  Inquiry.  Which is to say...
 * Gabe: Oh, I remember. It's candy. Candy is delicious.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Tycho: You know what?
 * Gabe: Chicken butt.
 * Tycho: No, thanks. Listen.  Sony just signed a deal with Xfire!
 * Gabe: Chicken tire.
 * Tycho: Someone over there is finally taking this shit seriously. I might even...acquiesce.
 * Gabe: Chicken...Hacqui...Ow...
 * Tycho: I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. Are you okay?
 * Gabe: {clutching head) Nyaaaar!

<hr width=50%/>


 * Narration: Many gamers believe that the new Weather Channel on the Wii serves no purpose. They are wrong.  You can use it to destroy a life.
 * Tycho: Man, this fucking weather game is off the hook.
 * Gabe: Weather game?
 * Tycho: I just beat it. The ending is tight.  And also sweet.
 * Narration: Several hours later
 * Gabe: (frantic) Can't move the numbers, numbers change...Can move the globe...Numbers changed.  Why did you change?  It's raining in Shanghai.
 * Tycho: How you doing?
 * Gabe: (in tears) It's raining in Shanghai.
 * Tycho: Oh, shit. That's bad.  Man, I hope you saved.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Gabe: What are you reading?
 * Tycho: The Time Machine.
 * Gabe: Oh? What's it about?
 * Tycho: The Time Machine? What's The Time Machine about?
 * Gabe: Yeah.
 * Tycho: Karate.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Tycho: We're going to die, right? You're here to take us to heaven?
 * Jesus: I'm just here for him. You're going to burn in hell forever.
 * Tycho: God dammit.
 * Jesus: See? It's shit like that.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Gabe: I've been talking to the guys, and we're kicking you out.
 * Tycho: What guys?
 * Gabe: The guys. Men.  We're kicking you out because you didn't like 300.
 * Tycho: I did like 300! I just didn't like it as much as you.
 * Gabe: Head downtown and turn in your penis. I'm sorry.
 * Tycho: Turn in my penis? How will I open jars?
 * Gabe: Wow, it's like... I want to see it? But at the same time, I don't want to see it.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Tycho: (relaxing on the couch) Your character in Chore Wars is kicking my ass, man.  I'm intimidated.
 * Gabe: (busily cleaning in the background) You should be. I take this shit serious.  I spent the whole morning grinding on the Vacuum Cleaner.
 * Tycho: How am I supposed to catch up? Maybe I should...wash my sheets?
 * Gabe: Not if I wash them first, bitch!
 * Tycho: Damn. I guess you win again.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Gabe: I think Activision has the right to determine how its products are used.
 * Tycho: You've got it fucking backwards. You're supposed to stick it to the man, not stick up for him.  What's best for consumers is if all products mesh together, without restrictions, so that -
 * Gabe: Gasp...! You're a COMMUNIST!
 * Tycho: And you're a Goddamned SYCOPHANT!
 * Gabe: Yeah, maybe I AM! Because I don't KNOW what THAT IS!

<hr width=50%/>


 * Gabe: Don't you ever feel guilty? Celebrating Christmas?
 * Tycho: No. Why?
 * Gabe: You know. Because you're a heathen.  It's like going to somebody's birthday party, when you don't even know them.
 * Tycho: It's more like going to the party, refusing to acknowledge that they exist, and then robbing their house.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Tycho: So what's wrong? Why can't you play Battlefield 2?
 * Gabe: No room.
 * Tycho: What the fuck do you have on there?
 * Gabe: Oh, you know. Files.
 * Tycho: Jesus. Move over. (pause) Oh my God. Oh my God! I thought we were friends. Why isn't this stuff on a shared drive?
 * Gabe: I don't know what you're talking about. All that stuff came with the computer.
 * Tycho: Really? Because I'm pretty sure Dell wouldn't ship a machine with two hundred gigs of meticulously organized porn striped to a three disk RAID.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Gabe: Looks like they brought out the big guns.
 * Tycho: Oh, come on. Crutches? That's not fair.
 * Girl Scout: Do you want to buy some cookies?
 * Tycho: Um, well... I'm diabetic, and...
 * Girl Scout: Sniff.
 * Tycho: Oh, jeez. Give me the Tagalongs and the Do-Si-Dos.
 * Gabe: Sucker. You know they only use that money to buy drugs.
 * Tycho: The Girl Scouts?
 * Gabe: Yeah. They're all juicin'.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Div: Christ, you suck at this. I thought you'd be better at playing a gay vampire.
 * Gabe: Dante is neither gay nor a vampire. And I don't suck. It's hard.
 * Div: "Easy Mode Unlocked"? You died so much the game took pity on you? Man. Actually, that Easy Mode sounds pretty good right now. You should do it, man. I won't tell anybody.
 * Gabe: I'm not playing on Easy. Shut up!
 * Div: You're right. Keep goin'. We'll hold out for Ultimate Fucking Pussy mode.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Gabe: I've got an awesome idea for a new comic! What if a terrorist was in a delivery room waiting for a pregnant woman to give birth so he could kill it! See, it's a comic about spawn camping.
 * Tycho: No, we can't do that. No-one can even know that you said it, or that I heard it. It will be our secret, forever.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Gabe: Some guy wants to advertise his game with us.
 * Tycho: What kind of game?
 * Gabe: It's a game where you create, um... women, and then you, uh... you know. Interact with them. It's interactive.
 * Tycho: Uh huh. You told him no, right?
 * Gabe: I told him we'd take a look at it! Maybe it's, you know... tasteful.
 * Tycho: What's it called?
 * Gabe: 3D Rape Machine.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Tycho: This is that Star Ocean?
 * Gabe: Yeah. I hate it.
 * Tycho: Looks like two of your characters are being molested by lizard men.
 * Gabe: I didn't send those guys over there. I don't even control them. I don't know what the fuck they're doing.
 * Tycho: Why don't you just switch to the other guys?
 * Gabe: It doesn't matter. Whoever I'm not currently controlling gets gangbanged by reptiles.
 * Tycho: So, it's your job to decide who gets fucked by lizard men.
 * Gabe: Yeah. It's a lot like High School.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Tycho: And you broke in here, because...
 * Matthew: I didn't break in. Mr. Gabe is paying me to play Halo 3 on Legendary. He says he's too busy.
 * Tycho: Busy doing what? He's Gabe. (to Gabe) You're operating some kind of gaming sweatshop, now?
 * Gabe: People hire kids to do their chores all the time.
 * Tycho: Halo 3 is a chore?
 * Gabe: On Legendary? Yes.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Chris Hansen: What were you going to do with this little sister?
 * Tycho: We were just going to, you know, hang out. Look at some fish. Kinda... Check out some fish...
 * Chris Hansen: That's not what this chat transcript says. Adamfan455 says, "I want to pull out your slug and harvest your genetic material."
 * Tycho: Oh shit. Oh shit.
 * Chris Hansen: You should know I'm Chris Hansen, and we're doing a show about people who collect ADAM.
 * Tycho: Okay, that sounds like a good show. I'll watch it! I'm just gonna head home, and watch it.

<hr width=50%/>


 * Gabe: Oh, shits! I totally forgot. We have to play Bungie in Halo 2 today!
 * Tycho: When did I agree to this? They made the goddamn thing. It is the very seat of their power!
 * Gabe: I sort of agreed for both of us.
 * Tycho: Then you can go and get sodomized for both of us.
 * Gabe: Come on, we'll play CTF. Then, when people look at the score, they'll say "Well, I guess they only lost by two."
 * Tycho: What if they want to play Slayer?
 * Gabe: We bite down hard on these cyanide tablets.
 * Tycho: Uh huh. You always have the best plans.

News posts

 * Tycho: It's not just that the screen isn't lit internally, the cover over the screen is made of some kind of experimental, super-shiny alloy developed by our government to be one-hundred times as shiny as fuck. &mdash; 2001-06-13

<hr width=50%/>


 * Gabe: I have tried on countless occasions over the past few days to talk to Tycho about his decision to accept Canada in trade for his book. I have explained to him that this person who e-mailed him probably does not have the authority to give Canada away. I have also tried to tell him that even if this person did have that kind of authority Canada is not such a hot deal. I’m not saying he’s an idiot I’m just saying that he is the stupidest person that has ever lived, or will ever live in the history of the entire universe.

Confidential to Tycho- You’re a cockjockey and I am sick of your cockjockery. &mdash; 2002-02-11

<hr width=50%/>


 * Tycho: For us, Zettai Zetsumei Toshi is an allegory for relations between the sexes, and it works especially well at this because we don't speak Japanese. She will say things, and we have no idea what the hell is going on, and then we'll select from a list of responses, but we have no idea which one is the right one, and then they're all wrong. It works on a lot of levels. The crumbling metropolis is your self-determination and capacity to feel any kind of pleasure in this life whatsoever. The puppy you must rescue later symbolizes a stupid little fucker. You're given a chance to go with either a man or a woman later, which I guess might mean they're just going in, you know, different directions but I'm still satisfied with my prior analysis. . &mdash; 2002-06-17

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 * Tycho: This was the thought that crept across my mind, like skywriting. This is what it is all about. If getting drunk at eleven in the fucking afternoon and eating a huge piece of meat is wrong, than I don't want to be right. &mdash; 2003-06-16

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 * Tycho: With purpose and conviction, he drew a sexually charged encounter that was designed to be printed six feet tall. So now, not only is there a scene of basest fornication being played out, it's being performed by a race of carnal, homosexual giants. &mdash;2004-08-06

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 * Tycho: When he told me this pregnancy thing was for real, triumphantly declaring that he "makes boys," I told him precisely what I thought - that any idiot is capable of this feat, and that - in actual point of fact - idiots engage in this kind of thing more than anyone else, which is why it can be so hard to get a decent cappuccino. I was being mean to him, it's kind of what I do, but he really was describing the most common, most ordinary event on our planet. &mdash; 2004-09-10

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 * Tycho: It is like getting a ordering a pizza and getting a free walrus. Even if the walrus were excellent, I mean truly exemplary, I'm really not in the market for it and it's not why I ordered the pizza. &mdash; 2004-12-03

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 * Tycho: You might be wondering what recourse is available to you, the disenfranchised web auteur. Honestly? Dig a hole and die in it. I have crafted these bleak circumstances, and I have set them upon you like dogs. Your exertions will only make you more delicious to them. They will find you cast in blue light, huddled in the subdirectory where you shiver with your .gifs, and they will end you. &mdash; 2005-01-26

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 * Gabe: Tycho seems near death which is a real problem since he is my gravy train. There has been a lot of talk recently about creative teams breaking up, but I assure you that will never happen here as long as I can help it. It’s really not even fair to describe us as a creative team since that implies a level of comradery that just isn’t present in our relationship. You see I recognized his talent for writing years ago while the two of us were still in high school. It seemed that his suicidal pessimism and fierce inner demons drove him to create some pretty incredible creative works. It was then that I developed a plan to harness his crippling depression and ride it to financial success, even if it killed him in the process. For the twelve years that I’ve known him I’ve treated him like a powerful creative furnace that I must feed with insults and contempt in order to produce clean, warm creativity. My greatest fear is that he will one day die or feel true joy. &mdash; 2005-02-02

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 * Tycho: When the universe authors your demise, you have no recourse. There is no means by which you can countermand that bleak grammar. &mdash; 2005-03-18

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 * Tycho: Gabriel began by teaching them how to draw basic figures, figures which I attempted to recreate myself on the blackboard, warping the true shapes to create a vile menagerie. This evil zoo leered at the children and I do not doubt that this mockery of nature shook them to their core. &mdash; 2005-06-17

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 * Tycho: They began to slide around on each other in an unseemly way, a way I can only describe as being like six slugs in a ziplock bag, eternally and unstoppably moist. &mdash; 2005-06-27

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 * Tycho: Are you capturing flags? Are you defending flags from other people, determined to capture them from you? Oh, to be a flag, and all the world my constant paramour! &mdash; 2005-06-27

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 * Tycho: I tried to remember the agonies of mortal existence, but then I was arrested by the sweet music stars make as they shiver together in their galactic symphony. &mdash; 2005-10-28

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 * Tycho: For the longest time we were content to swear and be wry about the way our media covers the people who make and play games, and a couple years ago it became clear that this was insufficient. That mission still exists, but after two years of running Child's Play it's been supplanted by the intense satisfaction inherent in a charitable act. The original mission seems sort of crass and mechanical to me now, we'll let that take care of itself. In the interim, we will be the people who - individually, and in aggregate - simply solve the problem. &mdash; 2005-10-31

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 * Tycho: Sony has made it clear that they're still runnin' with their "Open" system, which is to say, their "Do Whatever The Fuck You Want" system, which I'm not sure actually qualifies as a system. In any case. &mdash; 2005-11-09

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 * Tycho: La Pucelle has a number of systems for accomplishing various things, and young students at the eponymous demon hunting academy must face foes which frequently exceed Potterian standards. Primary among these mechanisms is Purification, which not only allows you to close dark portals but can also bring an enemy around to your way of thinking. Once converted you can train them up to improve their skills, or you may simply hurl them into battle against impossible odds. It's really up to you. Us, we go through about twenty bats a week. "2004-05-10"

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 * Tycho: Really that's like saying that you absolutely refuse to have sex with animals but that you do occasionally fuck corpses. It doesn't quite fix the problem. "2003-09-08"

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 * Tycho: Romeo and Juliet is a Goddamn timeless template. I saw it set in Ireland with an all female cast and it still worked, one family was all lesbians and one was all dinosaurs. You just can't fuck it up. You dab your eyes at the end and wonder what is so wrong about the love of a lesbian for a dinosaur. "2003-09-08"

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 * Tycho: Just as the man who is gutshot is made instantaneously aware of previously unknown internal geographies, it became suddenly clear that there was a vast expanse in me, a region, a continent, perhaps even a universe that could contain a truly stunning volume of pure pain. 2003-09-29

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 * Tycho: The eagerness to "punch up" a classic franchise never seems to restrict itself to pure necessity. This is why I was excited about the prospect of a Metroid movie for a total of forty-three ill-advised seconds. She will retain the gun arm - if we are lucky. But Samus Aran will - will, as sure as the sun rises in the east - be apprenticed to a fashion designer loosely based on the editor of Vogue. Over the course of two excruciating hours she will behave inexplicably and then "do the right thing," at a point very near the end. 2006-7-17

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 * Tycho: It might never occur to you or me to try selling people the same game they have already bought - it's pretty outside the box thinking. The box in this case is labelled Common Decency. "2006-11-15"

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 * Tycho: One may chew and chew on a boot, and never find steak. "2007-05-09"

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 * Tycho: People seemed to like this better, but only marginally so - the way one might prefer to be stabbed than shot. Optimally, one isn't stabbed or shot. Optimally, one eats some cake! But there are times when cake is not available, and instead we are destroyed.  This is the deep poetry of the universe. &mdash; 2007-05-21

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 * Tycho: I have faith that, in a fundamentally just universe, things will be set right. And, in those cases where the universe is slow to act, let my rage be the instrument. &mdash; 2007-07-09

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 * Tycho: I mean, there are profundities here. It's like looking into a twisting hole in reality that has another hole inside it, snaking through the universe, and in this second hole a third hole is visible. In this third hole - should you look long enough - you can see your own death. &mdash; 2007-07-25

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 * Gabe: There are certain things I am willing to do at home to save money. For example, I ask my wife to cut my hair. Something I won't do is reach into my cats asshole and wring out its butt juice. I'm willing to pay a professional for that. &mdash; 2007-10-22

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 * Tycho: I like discovering my entertainment via an intuitive process, and it seemed to me the game was essentially "about" running Molten Core over and over again to get a complete set of numerically maximal lootz. I could see this point approaching, like the bright eye of an onrushing locomotive, and decided that I would rather slam my dick in a car door. 2008-01-11

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 * Tycho: Gabriel apparently has a tiny boarder, a friendly creature with tidy fur content to dwell out in the garage. That certainly wasn't my experience with the genus, a tattered pageant of misery whose psychic reverberations are still being felt. I recall with unrelenting clarity the beast we secured in a humane trap, rolling and sucking air in its madness, placed on the table in a mockery of polite dinner. It had a musky, unhallowed scent like some primeval mustard, its yellow teeth so long that it could not close its own mouth. Threading its ten fine fingers around the bars, it cried out "We crawl, we swim! We nest and gnaw! We are WE, AND WE DEVOUR!" I ran then, out of the house, turning in time to see that the entire structure - every stick of it - had been rats all along, rats piled atop one another in such a way as to suggest a house. The not-house boiled, exploding, a grey-brown wake of slopping pus and disease. 2008-03-17

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 * Tycho: Sitting at The Breakfast Club, gesturing to Gabriel over the summit of my "Hobo Scramble," I presented a powerful pro-waffle position. Its core assertion was that we should have hot waffles, smothered in chocolate ice cream, available for free at our Sakuracon booth. He's been trying to talk me out of it for a week now, because he has no vision, and I do: I see waffles leaping out of toasters and into smiling mouths. I don't see what the fucking problem is. "2008-03-28"

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 * Tycho: Attempting to tick the settings anywhere past the recommended level results in Crashtown Races sing this song/all the doo dah day, or at any rate the better part of the day.It's a lot of crashing, in any event. It doesn't entirely matter, though, when Gabe is across the room on this own machine, and we are - the two of us - beating on a single "Easy" A.I. Zerg opponent, just as we did when we still lived in the same apartment. They say you can't go home again, but you can, actually, if your home is an imaginary world infested with xenomorphs. "2010-07-30"

The 4th Panel
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 * Mike: I know we always make a point of not being political and I don't think we should change that, but do you ever want to?


 * Jerry: No.


 * Mike: Really?


 * Jerry: It's really difficult to make political humor that isn't strident. That is to say, it's difficult to make political humor that's funny. And almost the only way you can do it—and get away with it—is if you appear not to care, and I do care.

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 * Mike: First of all, as a parent, there's no shortage of great games for kids to play.


 * Jerry: Oh, absolutely not. They actually cannot play them all in a given day.


 * Mike: No. The thought process that says "Because something that's not for kids exists, or that's not for girls exists, means that nothing exists for them..."


 * Jerry: Yeah. This is actually a very old problem. There's actually two statements. One is that "If this doesn't exist, nothing exists." That's the first point. But the second point that's nested in there is that "If it's not appropriate for them, then it shouldn't exist."


 * Mike: Yes.


 * Jerry: That's not... that is not the country we live in. End of story. That's not the country we live in. I have no idea what the climate is like in Australia, but we do not determine what adults can view or use based on whether it's appropriate for children. That is not how we do it.




 * Jerry: [Video games are] always going to be a medium. That's the confusion. It's always going to be a place where things happen. The same way that a piece of paper is a medium. It can contain a lot of things, some of which you are not going to like. There's an entire spectrum of things that can exist. And it doesn't reflect poorly on these good things over here (good relatively speaking) that something over here exists. It doesn't denigrate it. You don't bring the entire medium down. That's not how it works. It's the idea that the medium, there's like a finite... there's like an integer, like a number associated with the medium. And when these games come out, the number goes down.


 * Mike: It's like, American Pie doesn't make movies bad. It doesn't mean that movies suck. American Pie might not be great, you probably might not want to go see it.


 * Jerry: But it does not have as its effect the obliteration of existing film.


 * Mike: But you have shit like American Pie, and then you have shit like fucking Marley & Me, or some stupid romantic comedy. It's a medium. I don't understand why games aren't viewed the same way, or can't be viewed the same way.

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Penny Arcade TV
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 * Asker: I teach primary school, and I have a lot of parents come to me often asking how do they regulate the amount of video games that their children play? And I feel really unqualified to answer that question because I'm so conflicted.


 * Jerry: Generally speaking I think that having a set amount of screen time per day is sort of the accepted way to manage it.


 * Mike: I think that's ridiculous. It's about content. I'm not going to let my son watch cartoons for four hours straight, but if he's building working machines in Minecraft, I'm not going to tell him to stop. I think it completely depends on what they're doing. And the problem is, that requires the parent to be engaged. Sorry. A lot of parents just don't want to do that. They want to use it as a babysitter. But I think that if you pay attention to what your kid is playing and what they're getting out of it... that's what you need to do. You can't just have something arbitrary like "You have thirty minutes" or "You have forty five minutes". That's silly. You actually have to look at what they're doing and find out what they're getting from it.

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Downloadable Content: The Penny Arcade Podcast
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 * Mike: I think it's okay to yuck someone's yum. Honestly, if your yum can't withstand someone's yucking, then maybe it doesn't deserve to be your yum. I've got yums, and if you yucked my yum, I'd be like "Whatever, I don't expect people to yum my yum."

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On the Rain-Slick Precipice of Darkness
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"Four Gods wait on the windowsill

Where once eight Gods did war and will

And if the Gods themselves may die

What does that say for you and I?

Now, three Gods wait on the windowsill

Where one God's blood was lately spilled

While black tongues lap at the spreading pool

And build the strength they need to rule

When two Gods wait on the windowsill

The wick of the world is burning, still

But when one God in triumph shouts

The candle of the world goes out

And when that candle, bare and white

Sheds at last its dancing light

Then we will rouse, with raiséd rod

To pierce the very house of God"

--The Quartet for the Dusk of Man

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"Don't leave us, don't leave us!

Your leaving would grieve us!

We'll sing, we will cling

(to your leg, like a rhesus)

It's bad, 'cause we had a whole schedule

Jam-packed!

It's some comfort, then, that they

Always come back..."

--Twisp and Catsby

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Tycho: Let me put it this way: how would you like to punch a God?

Gabe:...

Tycho:...

Gabe: ...yes.

Tycho: Good man.

-- Gabe and Tycho