Pineapple Express (film)

Pineapple Express is a 2008 action comedy film about a process server and his marijuana dealer who wind up on the run from hitmen and a corrupt police officer after he witnesses his dealer's boss murder a competitor while trying to serve papers on him.
 * Directed by David Gordon Green. Written by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg.

Put this in your pipe and smoke it.

Dale Denton

 * Danger! Danger! Trees! Tree! Tree! Squirrel!
 * You've been served!
 * No! Don't fuck us anywhere!
 * Equip me sir!
 * Why would you bear arms?
 * Don't let him gonna, don't wunna!
 * What an adorable little cop!
 * Help! He's punching my bum! I'm done with this!
 * What's up sporty spice?
 * We need to begin to prematurely evacuate!
 * Everyone, I'm leading the parade!
 * So this is the product of baby fucking. (referring to the Pineapple express)
 * THIS ENDS NOW!!!
 * Fuck the free world.

Saul

 * What's down there, a fucking Rancor?
 * [as he is just about to punch Carol in the face] You're in the jungle now, Baby!
 * [About to fire his gun at Carol] FUCK THE POLICE!
 * When my foot was in the hole – and my groin – man, I felt like a wishbone.
 * [Saul talking to Red on the phone] Well be careful, man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
 * "[While hitch-hiking]" Hey look, it's like my thumb is my cock.
 * Holy Cock!
 * I'm gonna fucking become a civil engineer. Design septic tanks for playgrounds. Little kids can take shits.
 * [listening to Dale's job description] Butler? Chauffeur? Shine shoes? In process. Subpoenas. Disguises.
 * [after Dale attempts to inform him he saw a murder] A cop, a lady, and a guy man that's like a massacre.You saw that?
 * [referencing Pineapple Express] It's like the rarest. It's almost a shame to smoke it. It's like killing a unicorn. With like a bomb.
 * He's a fucking linger-er, you know what I mean, man? He just lingers.
 * [referencing Pineapple Express] My friend, this is like if that Blue Oyster shit met that Afghan Kush i had, and they had a baby... And then meanwhile, that crazy Northern Lights stuff I had and the Super Red Espresso Snowflake met and had a baby... And by some miracle, those two babies met and fucked; this would be the shit they birthed.
 * I'm done with the woods, man. Let's go.
 * I thought hurricane season was over.
 * Wait...what do you mean it's dead?
 * Fuck Jeff Goldblum, man.
 * Hands down the fucken dopest dope I've ever smoked.
 * We are BFFFs, best fucking friends forever!
 * The car committed suicide because of your face.
 * [Describing how to smoke a cross joint] What you do... is you light all three ends at the same, and the smoke converges, creating a "trifecta" of joint-smoking power. This is it, man. This is what your grandchildren are gonna be smoking. Future, the future.
 * "(on phone with Red) Now listen, I'm gonna come by. I gotta lay some shit on you. There is a fly in the ointment. Shit has hit the fan. The lion will speak."
 * Bitch, Aint got no time for that.
 * Gotcha bitch.

Red
-ORIENTEERING ROCKS!
 * It's my cat's birthday today. [passes out] 
 * [after Dale drops bullets on his floor] Just make sure you get those, I don't wanna run them over with the vacuum and shoot my face off ok?
 * [after killing Matheson with his Daewoo Lanos] You just got killed by a Daewoo Lanos, motherfucker! [cocks his shotgun] How do you like me now huh? ''[blows off Matheson's right foot] "Gross."
 * [after falling asleep at breakfast] I feel like the nerd at the sleep-over that fell asleep at nine.
 * I used to use this little gun when I was a prostitute.
 * I'm trying to decide how stoned I am and just how on the verge of death am I right now. Like, am I seeing shit because I'm stoned or because I have no blood left in my body?
 * (To Dale while running away from the hideout)I don't wanna die man, I wanna fuck my wife. She will be out of jail soon, I wanna fuck her, I wanna have sex with her. I'm not gonna wake up murdered tomorrow.
 * I forgot man, "BROS BEFORE HOES."
 * [practicing quick draw] "Don't!"
 * I'm up in here tryna get a mother fuckin' scholarship!
 * [After rescuing Saul by killing Matheson] I wanna be inside you, homes!
 * [Referring to his cat] Maybe he went to heaven. He was a little fucker, he could have gone to hell."
 * "Thug life!" [Cocks shotgun]
 * [beating and kicking Saul] "What we do in this life echoes in eternity!"
 * [Referring to his armpits] "You see this, there's no hair under there. [Dale: What's the significance of that?] it makes me aerodynamic when I fight!"
 * {When held up by Matheson and Budlofsky} "Matheson's over here with British Knights on. I ain't seen anyone wear those since 1987."

Matheson

 * They're not here, Ted. Hi, Ted.
 * [after killing Budlovsky, Matheson notices Saul] Well, looky here. Mr. Folgers! (in a high pitched voice) What's up SON?
 * [to Saul] Shut the fuck up! You think you was gonna get me, motherfucker? Huh? You need to sit your little sexy ass down and watch yourself get killed now.
 * (referring to his burnt face by Saul) I look like Hamburglar! And the Elephant Man!
 * (after arguing with Budlofsky about his face) I might act tough, but I got a lot of feelings. And you hurt damned near every one of 'em. This ain't over.
 * (as Saul climbs down the ladder to the weed growing house) You know you gonna die, right? I'ma kill the fuck outta you. I hope you enjoy these last 17 minutes of your life. 'Cause when Ted get here, he gonna be like, "Kill that motherfucker! Kill his motherfuckin' ass!" Watch your head.
 * (clapping hands together) This is so exciting.
 * (while fighting with Saul) I've been waiting for this. You burned my face, huh? Tear this ass up.
 * (after killing Budlofsky, for not having given him a chance to kill Saul) I knew you gone soft. Dinner's gonna be cold tonight, asshole!
 * I ain't ever been shot before. Damn, that shit hurt. I got glass in my ass.
 * The foods still warm, love it.
 * I ain't your friend!
 * I seent you pull somebody jaw bone off! I seent it.

Mr. Edwards

 * Yep I just heard that, I wish I didn't hear that, but I just heard that.
 * I'm a teacher, guy, you can't talk to me like that.

Ken
(holding a bomb) *Hey Ted! You killed my brother! Caucasian son-of-a-cocksucker! Suck-a my balls!---Two times! (tosses bomb)

Dialogue

 * Private Miller : Ah, well, sir, I feel like a, like a slice o' butter... melting on top of a big ol' pile of flapjacks. [pause] Yeah.


 * Saul: (Jumps into a dumpster)I think we should stay here.
 * Dale: Why?
 * Saul: 'Cause I am in the dumpster already.


 * Saul: My favorite part of this was when we were in the car chase.
 * Red: You guys were in a car chase? Aw, man, that must have been sweet!
 * Saul: Yeah, it was, man. I had my leg stuck in the windshield and everything!


 * Saul: I can't see. The wipers don't work!
 * Dale: Well, kick the windshield out. Isn't that what they do?
 * Saul: (kicks his leg through the windshield) Ouch! Fuck, I think I pulled my groin!


 * Saul: Why are we even here? This place is so fuckin' scary!
 * Dale: At least I had an idea. You didn't have any ideas, so shut up!
 * Saul: That's not true! I had two ideas: "Nowhere" and "Quizno's".


 * Dale: What else?
 * Red: Okay, uh, he's at war right now with the Asians. They're, like, in a drug war, right now.
 * Dale: The Asians? What? What Asians?! Indians are technically Asians!
 * Saul: It's true.
 * Dale: What Asians?
 * Red: Oh, I don't know, what, uh, Chinese? Or Korean? Or, uh, um--
 * Saul: Viet Cong?
 * Red: Yeah, little--little--just, little Asian people, like--the Asians, with the guns, and the drugs, and not his friends.


 * Dale: Okay, even if he found that roach, how could he know where you are?
 * Saul: Um, heat seeking missiles, um, bloodhounds, foxes, barracudas.
 * Dale: I'm just--I'm kinda flabbergasted when you say things like that. It's weird.
 * Saul: Thank you.
 * Dale: Not a compliment.


 * Saul: Let's roll, man! I'm done with the woods! Let's go! C'mon, man, let's get the fuck outta here.
 * Dale: [sarcastically] Okay... Uhh, let's go... No... It's not working... the battery's dead.
 * Saul: Wait.... What do you mean, it's dead?
 * Dale: [laughing] What do I mean? I mean the battery's dead. The battery's dead.
 * Saul: No, no. What do you mean, the battery's dead?
 * Dale: How can I explain this to you differently? The battery is dead. It ceased to live. It's deceased now. The car needs a battery to start, Saul.
 * Saul: [frustrated sigh] How did this happen?
 * Dale: Well we clearly fell asleep with the battery on and-
 * Saul: Aw, man... Talk radio?
 * Dale: Yes, talk radio.
 * Saul: So boring, man. The car just committed suicide.

 (while Dale and Saul are visiting Red)
 * Dale: Dudes, seriously. We came here for a reason. (to Saul) Just ask him.
 * Red: (while frosting a cake) Chill, dude, chill. I'm boiling some eggs over here...
 * Dale: That's great. Just--
 * Red: We got a lot of time to hang out, I'm making a fucking cake.
 * Dale: No shit. (to Saul) Just ask him, man.
 * Saul: Can I have a piece of that?
 * Dale: What are you doing? Don't ask for a piece.
 * Saul: (to Red) I can't have a piece of that?
 * Red: (is almost done frosting the cake) No, you cannot have a piece, this is private. You know what today is?
 * Saul: Tuesday.
 * Red: This is my cat's birthday today.
 * Dale: I don't see a cat in here. I'm sorry. Did you let it out by accident?
 * Red: No, because he died three months ago, okay? So now who's the funny guy, huh?
 * Dale: Sorry.
 * Red: All right? Today is his birthday, and it is a tradition that on his birthday, I get up extra early and make him his favorite kind of, uh, dessert.
 * Saul: Don't worry, bro, your cat's going to Heaven.
 * Red: Yeah, maybe. Maybe he went to Heaven. He was a little fucker. He could've gone to Hell.


 * Dale: You're sure We can trust this guy?
 * Saul: Yo, Red.
 * Red: Who is it?
 * Saul: It's Bruce.
 * Red: Bruce? Who the fuck is this? Saul. What's up?
 * Saul: Who do you think it is?
 * Red: Who's this?
 * Dale: I'm Dale, Mr. Red. Nice to meet you.
 * Red: Dale who?
 * Dale: It's best if you don't know my full name.
 * Saul: Dale Denton. don't worry He's with me.
 * Red: Dale Denton. Nice to meet you, bro. Hold on. Let me get this lock, okay
 * Saul: You better.
 * Red: Get in here.
 * Saul: Coming in.
 * Red: Y,all Wanna buy some drugs?
 * Saul: Frisk me.
 * Red: What's up? What's up? What's up?
 * Saul: Get it.
 * Red: Give it. give it. Look at that, huh? What's up, players?
 * Saul: What's up?
 * Red: I've been up in here trying to get a motherfucking scholarship. Chilling. What's up with the clothes?
 * Saul: Oh We were camping.
 * Red: Camping?
 * Saul: Yeah.
 * Dale: Is your, uh, is your lip okay, man?
 * Saul: You been crying?
 * Red: (clearly bruised and cut) Oh, my, my lip? Uh, it's a cold sore. Never had one before so uh, I started to cry. I think it's like, a lot worse than it looks, though. It's like a simple kind of....
 * Saul: (interrupting Red) S-so... does that mean fuckin' herpes?
 * Red: Yeah, y-yeah, yes it does.
 * Saul: Wow! Fuckin' sick, man! You know how many joints we've shared?!
 * Red: I know, I'm a disgusting person...
 * Saul: Ugh, herpes is for LIFE, bro!
 * Red: Ya, well I'm gonna try to definitely put some sort of medical.. ointment on it. I've been taking vicoden. That doesn't really take the swelling down though.
 * Saul: It's from that time. I told you, man. You ate that lollipop out of that stripper's snatch. You wanted to do it.
 * Red: Out of her vagina. Remember what you did? What did you do? You ate a box of Nerds out of her butthole.
 * Saul: You fucking said you wouldn't tell. You sowed your own poison, man.


 * Dale: Look, uh, we don't want to bring you into what we're in, okay? You don't want any trouble, we don't wanna give you trouble, so it's probably best you don't know the whole story, okay?
 * Red: You don't think I can handle danger?
 * Dale: What are you talking about?
 * Saul: He can!
 * Red: I totally can! And for you to come into my house, and not tell secrets because you think you're saving me... Well, in reality it just makes you look like a dumbass, okay? Cause look at this!

(Red shows Dale his armpits and points to them along with Saul)
 * Red: You see this? You see that? There's no hair under here bro! Okay?
 * Dale: What's the significance of that?
 * Red: It makes me aerodynamic when I fight! I can take danger!
 * Dale: Okay, has anyone called asking about Saul or the Pineapple Express? That's all we need to know.
 * Red: "uh-uh."
 * Saul: "uh-huh"
 * Dale: "uh-huh"
 * Red: "uh-uh."
 * Dale: Is it "uh-huh" or "uh-uh"?
 * Red: It's "uh-uh."
 * Saul: There it is, man. Cleared. Over. Everything's fine. I told you, bro. We had a Wacky night in the woods... ...but we both can put that behind us like adults. Now it's time to get super-duper high. Got that bong I got in Tel Aviv?
 * Red: Bong Mitzvah." Hit it up dude.
 * Saul: Yes.


 * Dale: Aren't you angry at Ted?
 * Red: Yeah, I'm really mad at him...
 * Dale: Well whaddya wanna do about it? Don't you wanna get up and DO SOMETHIN' about it?
 * Red: Maybe... Maybe that'd be cool to do to him...


 * Red: Seriously! I know this sounds weird but can we be best friends? Just us? Forreal?
 * Dale: I think we should ALL be best friends!
 * Red: We should be! You guys ARE my best friends. We shared a moment.
 * Saul: You guys are like, both of my best friends and you didn't even know it but now you know it and we'll all be best friends!
 * Dale: You know what we should get?! You know those hearts that break up and it's like, "BEST FRIENDS"? We should get like, a 3-way one of those, man!
 * Saul: (while Dale is talking) 3-way! 3-way!
 * Red: I don't even know if they fucking MAKE those!
 * Dale: We should make the first ones!
 * Saul: 3-way! I want the middle piece though! It'll be crooked on both sides!


 * Robert Anderson: [at dinner] What the hell happened to you?
 * Dale Denton: Nothing, I'm supposed to be here right now, so I'm here!
 * Robert Anderson: You're all dirty and bleeding.
 * Dale Denton: No I'm not, I'm here for dinner.
 * Shannon Anderson: You have scratches on your forehead...
 * Robert Anderson: Dude, you smell like shit.
 * Angie Anderson: Dale, what happened to you?
 * Dale Denton: I was in the woods!
 * Shannon Anderson: In the woods?
 * Dale Denton: Yeah, isn't that weird? I was... I was in the woods!
 * Shannon Anderson: What were you doing in the woods?
 * Dale Denton: I bird... watch... I don't. No, I don't. Look, I'm gonna come clean. I witnessed a murder. Ok? I saw someone murder... someone else, and I think they've been following me. and there's a good chance they went to my apartment where Angie has a lot of things. She is her yearbooks, report cards, her cell number is written, and it's on my fridge. so they could then find this house. They could come here.
 * Shannon Anderson: We should call the police right away.
 * Dale Denton: We can't call the police. The police were the murderers. that's what so flip and scary.
 * Robert Anderson: We can't call the police. They were the murderers.
 * Dale Denton: They were the murderers. don't?
 * Robert Anderson: [at dinner, after Dale told everyone he witnessed a murder] Angie, I swear, you do something or I'm gonna...
 *  Angie Anderson: So fucked up.
 * Dale Denton: What? No! No, don't let him gonna! No, don't wanna! Look, we gotta get the F out of here. Let's go. We need to begin to prematurely evacuate.
 * Robert Anderson: Are you high?
 * Dale Denton: What? No. I'm not high. Why?
 * Shannon Anderson: You are high as a fucking kite!
 * Dale Denton: I'm not high. Let's go.
 * Robert Anderson: We're not going anywhere. I'm coming back in a minute. You know what I'm coming back with?
 * Dale Denton: No.
 * Robert Anderson: I'm coming back with a gun. You better be out of here.
 * Shannon Anderson: Robert don't.
 * Robert Anderson: I'm not fucking with you.
 * Dale Denton: Your gun? His gun? Why do you? Don't get a gun. Why would he bear arms? Look, no, we need to go. Everyone, I'm leading the parade.


 * [In the police cruiser, Dale is trying to tell Barber about what he witnessed]
 * Barber: So you're telling me you saw Ted Jones and a police officer kill somebody.
 * Dale: That's exactly what I've been telling you.
 * Barber: And you saw it?
 * Dale: Yes. Do you believe me?
 * Barber: I don't know. Was it a woman or a man cop?
 * Dale: It was a policewoman. It was a woman.
 * Barber: Oh I think I know who that bitch was.
 * Dale: Yes, I will identify that bitch.


 * [Dale and Saul just evaded the police]
 * Saul: Hey, you all right, man? You sound pretty hectic.
 * Dale: I'm okay. Let's just get the fuck out of here, okay?
 * Saul: All right. [he takes out a pipe and an ounce of marijuana] First things first. [takes out a lighter to light up the pipe, as he is about to smoke it]
 * Dale: Don't... do that, okay?
 * Saul: [stops lighting and puts down the pipe and lighter] Yeah, why not?
 * Dale: Why not? Car chase, gunshots. That clearly just happened, because we were smoking marijuana.
 * Saul: Naw, man. That happened 'cause those fucking kids couldn't keep their shit on the down low, man.
 * Dale: In case you haven't noticed, which you haven't, 'cause from what I can tell, you don't notice ANYTHING, EVER, we are not very functional when we're high, which is all the fuckin' time!
 * Saul: Well, I don't know, man. I think I'm functioning right now. I was like, stoned when I saved you with those slushies. What do you gotta say to that, man?
 * Dale: Okay. Well, that would be true... if you HAD saved me, but you didn't save me, she was gonna help us, and you made things worse, and now were wanted for all sorts of fuckin' crazy shit!
 * Saul: Don't fucking get on my case, all right? Look, the only reason I started selling pot is so I could put my bubbe in a nice retirement home.
 * Dale: Oh, yeah. She must be proud of you for that.
 * Saul: She is really proud of me. And I'm gonna become something, man. As soon as she dies, I'm gonna become a civil engineer. I'm gonna design septic tanks for playgrounds. Little kids can take shits! You idiot. What the hell do you do?
 * Dale: You mean besides stay in my home, for fear that you designed some object I'm around? I'm gonna be on the radio, talking about LIFE! Giving lessons about life!
 * Saul: Oh, well, in my place, I'm gonna be designing buildings and what's he gonna be doing? BORING PEOPLE TO DEATH ON THE RADIO!
 * Dale: You are an asshole. That's all you are, you're an asshole.
 * Saul: I'm not an asshole!
 * Dale: You are an asshole!
 * Saul: No, you know what? I'm-- I'm-- I feel pretty-- pretty sure that I'm not an asshole. I'm, like, a totally nice guy.
 * Dale: I'm just as nice as you are, so you don't bring that out. When we were in the woods, I gave you my jacket. YOU WERE COLD, AND I CLOTHED YOU!
 * Saul: What about in the park, where I said that you were my friend? You didn't say anything back.
 * Dale: Well, that's easy, it's because we're NOT friends. You are my drug dealer. There's one reason we know each other, I like the drugs you sell, that's it. And if you didn't sell those drugs, I would have no idea who you were, and I would be fantastic right now! Instead of looking like this.

Cast

 * Seth Rogen as Dale Denton
 * James Franco as Saul Silver
 * Amber Heard as Angie Anderson
 * Rosie Perez as Officer Carol Brazier
 * Gary Cole as Ted Jones
 * Craig Robinson as Matheson
 * Kevin Corrigan as Budlofsky
 * Danny R. McBride as Red
 * Ed Begley Jr. as Robert Anderson
 * Nora Dunn as Shannon Anderson
 * Bill Hader as Private Miller
 * James Remar as General Bratt
 * Joe Lo Truglio as Mr. Edwards
 * Ken Jeong as Ken
 * Arthur Napiontek as Clark
 * Cleo King as Police Liansion Officer
 * Jonathan Spencer as Scientist
 * Dana Lee as Chung
 * Bobby Lee as Bobby
 * David C. Cook as Chris Gebert
 * Howard S. Lefstein as Mark
 * Connie Sawyer as Faye Belogus
 * David McDivitt as Cop with Mole
 * Mae LaBorde as Mrs. Mendelson (final film role)
 * Kendall Carly Browne as Old Women
 * George Lew as Old Man
 * John Robert Tramutola as Walt
 * Adam Crosby (actor) as Ack
 * Andrew Head as Blake
 * Jeanettea Arentte as Sandra Danby
 * Carlos Aleman as Guy in Car
 * Omar Leyva as Guy in Car 2
 * Sam Carson as Xerox Secretary
 * Jack Kehler as Walter
 * Robert Longstreet as Dr. Terrence
 * Peter Gray Lewis as Peter (Thug 1)
 * Steve Bannos as Jared (Thug 2)
 * Mark Whigham as Thug 3
 * Brian Scannell as Thug 4
 * Eddie Rouse as Lance (Thug 5)